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Erma Bombeck

Erma Louise Bombeck (February 21, 1927 - April 22, 1996), born Erma Fiste, was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburban home life humorously from the mid-60's until the late 90's. Bombeck also published 15 books, most of which became best-sellers

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... it's simply wrong to always order kids to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting.

– Erma Bombeck

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A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory an empty gin bottle.

– Erma Bombeck

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A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

– Erma Bombeck

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Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

– Erma Bombeck

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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

– Erma Bombeck

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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

– Erma Bombeck

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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.

– Erma Bombeck

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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

– Erma Bombeck

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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

– Erma Bombeck

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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.

– Erma Bombeck

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If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead.

– Erma Bombeck

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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

– Erma Bombeck

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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

– Erma Bombeck

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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

– Erma Bombeck

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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

– Erma Bombeck

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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

– Erma Bombeck

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

– Erma Bombeck

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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

– Erma Bombeck

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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

– Erma Bombeck

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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

– Erma Bombeck

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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

– Erma Bombeck

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There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I' That's where courage comes in.

– Erma Bombeck

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We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.

– Erma Bombeck

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When humor goes, there goes civilization.

– Erma Bombeck

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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me..

– Erma Bombeck

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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

– Erma Bombeck

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