Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts.


DMCA Note: We've been requested by Jack Handey and his lawyers to remove Jack Hendey's quotes and his photo from from this page. We've complied with their demand and decided to post alternative "Deep Thoughts: Not By Jack Handey" from Children that were asked to imitate Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. We actually think these are so much better than the originals - Enjoy!

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As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Rate it:
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.Rate it:
Home is where the house is.Rate it:
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?Rate it:
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.Rate it:
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Rate it:
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.Rate it:
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.Rate it:
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Rate it:
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Rate it:
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.Rate it:
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"Rate it:
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.Rate it:

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