Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts.

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A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
A quiz If I am my brother's keeper, who am I (Answer me.)
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going'
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling Sometimes it seemed that way.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said 'Watch For Rocks.' Marta said it should read 'Watch For PRETTY Rocks.' I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter And I thought I was lazy
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our 'stink' around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows but without that noise.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused
Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real fast. 'Draw,' said the stranger. Carl went for his gun, but then 'Hey, where did all these angels come from'
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, 'Hey, have you seen Fred' And they'll say, 'Fred who' And you say, 'Fred of snakes' Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun.'
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, 'Hey, has anybody seen my raisins' (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go 'Whoa Whoa' and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve something that stings you, then laughs at you.
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol How about the pillow It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, 'If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.' Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, 'Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later.'
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT'
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner' We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me' or 'Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed' Man, quit being so cheap
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I
I don't say that the bird is 'good' or the bat is 'bad.' But I will say this At least the bird is less nude.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy Oh, well, never saw HIM again.
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. 'THAT'S MISTER SWENSON,' they said. Oh, my mistake.
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. 'Get down' yelled Uncle Lou. 'Don't move' screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. 'That was fun,' I said. 'You bet it was,' said Nick. 'Let's climb higher.' 'No,' I said. 'I think we should be heading back now.' 'We have time,' Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what They never find him. And you know why they never find him It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, 'You know what will save the world You're holding it in your hand.' And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, 'Hey, let's put him in the movie.'
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be 'carpet bowling.' It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
I think my favorite monster movie is 'Gone With the Wind', because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us 'ants,' because we hate that.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo, I'd have all my money back.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and 'rogue' sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, 'Regular time' And they'd say, 'Yeah.' And I'd say, 'Sorry, all I have is rogue time.' It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call 'image fuzz-out.' But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
If doctors ever tell you that you've 'flipped out,' don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me 'the Man' is behind this.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick, you're all over their lip
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that will tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, 'Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, 'Congratulations, it's a girl,' I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, 'A girl You must have me mixed up with THAT dork' and point to another father.
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, 'Injection I thought you said inspection'.' They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute I thought WE won'
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)
If someone told me it wasn't 'fashionable' to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, 'Okay, YOU TELL ME what's fashionable'.' But he won't. And you know why Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, 'By the way, what's fashionable'
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of 'bag.'
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules First, calm down second, come over and wash my car third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife Trust me, it's not.
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm.
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot farther' No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help 'Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.'
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, 'Well, technically that's illegal.' It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.'
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, 'Forgive me, but that's just too much.'
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars'
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the 'happy' category.
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight Also what's funny is how we do this every night.
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, 'You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. 'What What' I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life
Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Let's be honest Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. 'I guess you're not an afictionado',' she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one 'swollen' shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.
No Matter Where You Go, There You Are!
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, 'Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.' He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought 'This story isn't too long.' But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, 'Uh-oh, this story is getting long.' But then the story was over, and I said to myself 'You know, that story wasn't too long after all.' I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
One thing about my Aunt Nadie She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese 'gems' from burglars.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, 'Aw, who cares' And then I think, 'Hey, what's for supper'
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head'. Normally, you would think that 'Fly Head' would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean 'having a head like a fly' I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space warp or something. 'Go, Bob, go' yelled one of the generals. 'Give me that' said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. 'Listen, Bob,' he said. 'You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth.' 'Yes, but how' thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad.' We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. 'Sorry,' he said with a smile.
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle 'hair restorer.' He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, 'What am I doing'
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did Good for him
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then 'skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey,' because every week you could have a guy say 'I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY,' but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
To write an original thought, one first must scan beyound the horizon of the universe. And since the universe goes beyound the outer limits, original thoughts are rare. There is nothing new under the sun.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
What am I afraid of I'll tell you a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby Maybe we'll never know.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all of our skin layers.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, 'Why you stupid, stupid bastard' Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend HE is.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, 'Hey, good job.'
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
Whenever anyone says 'I can't,' it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says 'I'll try,' five thousand bees. ('I can,' one bee.)
Whenever I need to get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible
Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can I thought I heard that somewhere.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing a better house
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags
Worship the potato The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of 'accidentally' brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
You know how to paint a room real fast Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
You know something that would really make me applaud A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis How do they do that
You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
You know what would make a good story Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests Just a big bag of blood.

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