So I Married an Axe Murderer

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Charlie And I'd really like to kiss you, but that's not a good idea, because then we'd start kissing on the couch, and then we'd start kissing on the bed, and I don't wanna rush into spending the night together. Harriet I'd love to spend the night together. Charlie I have no problem with that
Charlie Dad, how can you hate The Colonel Stuart Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass
Charlie Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you got to believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they made me horny, on Saturday morning... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.
Charlie You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called F-You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.
Harriet Do you actually like haggis Charlie No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Harriet What do you look for in a woman you date Charlie Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.
John Johnson Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a bitch. And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or shiv, and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria
Stuart Would ya look at the size of that kid's head It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system Looks like an orange on a toothpick I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik spherical but quite pointy at parts He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

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