- Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
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- Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
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- Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
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- Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
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- Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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- Brain an apparatus with which we think we think.
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- Cabbage A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
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- Calamities are of two kinds misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
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- Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum
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- Faith Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
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- In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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- Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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- Painting The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
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- Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
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- Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
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- Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
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- Pray To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
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- Quotation, n The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
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- The covers of this book are too far apart.
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- The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
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- There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.
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- To be positive To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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