Fran Lebowitz

Frances Ann "Fran" Lebowitz (born October 27, 1950) is an American author

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Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
Favorite animal: steak.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract -- teach him to deduct.
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
My favorite animal is steak.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Nothing succeeds like address.
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
The controversial overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.
The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive-you are leaking.
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word collectible as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

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