George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian. He was also an actor and author, and won four Grammy Awards for his comedy albums

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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Keep thy religion to thyself.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Life.....is a series of dogs.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Weather forecast for tonight dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight They never mention that part to us, do they
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

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