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Groucho Marx

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (October 2, 1890 - August 19, 1977), was an American comedian and film star

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Famous quotes by Groucho Marx:Sort:PopularA - Z

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.
I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?
Women should be obscene and not heard.
You are only as old as the woman you feel.

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