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Steven Wright Quotes
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Famous Steven Wright Quotations
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Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing or nonsensical jokes and one-liners with overly-contrived situations
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- A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
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- Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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- Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
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- Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.
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- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
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- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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- I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
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- I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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- I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
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- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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- I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
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- I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.
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- If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know
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- If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
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- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it
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- If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer
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- If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
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- It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
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- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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- Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you'
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- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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- The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.
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- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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- They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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- Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
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- What's another word for Thesaurus
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- When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
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- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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- You can't have everything. Where would you put it
Steven Wright »
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