Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing or nonsensical jokes and one-liners with overly-contrived situations

★ FAVORITE (4 votes)

Famous quotes by Steven Wright:Sort:PopularA - Z

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.Rate it:
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we knowRate it:
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Rate it:
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop itRate it:
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencerRate it:
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.Rate it:
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Rate it:
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.Rate it:
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.Rate it:
Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.Rate it:
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.Rate it:
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.Rate it:
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.Rate it:
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.Rate it:
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.Rate it:
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.Rate it:
I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.Rate it:
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?Rate it:
If God dropped acid, would he see people?Rate it:
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?Rate it:
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.Rate it:
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.Rate it:
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.Rate it:
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you'Rate it:
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.Rate it:
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.Rate it:
The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.Rate it:
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.Rate it:
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.Rate it:
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.Rate it:
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.Rate it:
What's another word for ThesaurusRate it:
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.Rate it:
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'Rate it:
You can't have everything. Where would you put itRate it:

Share your thoughts on Steven Wright's quotes with the community:

Quote of the Day

Would you like us to send you a FREE inspiring quote delivered to your inbox daily?

Please enter your email address:     

Citation

Use the citation below to add this author page to your bibliography:

Style:MLAChicagoAPA

"Steven Wright Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2015. Web. 30 Mar. 2015. <http://www.quotes.net/authors/Steven Wright>.

Missing a quote of Steven Wright?

Know another good quote of Steven Wright? Don't keep it to yourself!


The Web's Largest Resource for

Famous Quotes & Sayings


A Member Of The STANDS4 Network