Woody Allen

United States filmmaker and comic actor (1935-)

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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
I am at two with nature.
I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.
I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
If you look like your passport photo, you're too sick to travel.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they left things.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

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