- As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen »
- At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time. Woody Allen »
- Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen »
- Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen »
- Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen »
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen »
- His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen »
- How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter Woody Allen »
- How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size Woody Allen »
- I am at two with nature. Woody Allen »
- I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven. Woody Allen »
- I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen »
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen »
- I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen »
- I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. Woody Allen »
- I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen »
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen »
- I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead. Woody Allen »
- I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen »
- If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen »
- If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. Woody Allen »
- If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen »
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. Woody Allen »
- It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen »
- It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. Woody Allen »
- It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. Woody Allen »
- It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen »
- Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen »
- Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. Woody Allen »
- Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen »
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen »
- More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen »
- Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. Woody Allen »
- My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen »
- Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. Woody Allen »
- Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind. Woody Allen »
- On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. Woody Allen »
- Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Woody Allen »
- Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. Woody Allen »
- Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. Woody Allen »
- The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen »
- The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. Woody Allen »
- The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. Woody Allen »
- The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. Woody Allen »
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman Woody Allen »
- Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen »
- To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen »
- What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen »
- What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists Woody Allen »
- When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen »
- When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen »
- Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered Woody Allen »
- You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen »
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