- As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen »
- At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
Woody Allen »
- Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen »
- Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen »
- Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen »
- Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen »
- Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen »
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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- Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.
Woody Allen »
- For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen »
- For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal
Woody Allen »
- His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen »
- How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter
Woody Allen »
- How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen »
- How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size
Woody Allen »
- How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
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- How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen »
- I am at two with nature.
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- I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.
Woody Allen »
- I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen »
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen »
- I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen »
- I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen »
- I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen »
- I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen »
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen »
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen »
- I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.
Woody Allen »
- I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
Woody Allen »
- I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.
Woody Allen »
- I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen »
- If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen »
- If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen »
- If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen »
- If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen »
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
Woody Allen »
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen »
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen »
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen »
- Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.
Woody Allen »
- It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen »
- It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen »
- It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Woody Allen »
- It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen »
- Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen »
- Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen »
- Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen »
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen »
- More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen »
- More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen »
- More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen »
- Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen »
- My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen »
- Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen »
- Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
Woody Allen »
- On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Woody Allen »
- Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen »
- Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody Allen »
- Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen »
- Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
Woody Allen »
- Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen »
- The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen »
- The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
Woody Allen »
- The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
Woody Allen »
- The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen »
- There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Woody Allen »
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman
Woody Allen »
- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen »
- Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen »
- Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen »
- To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen »
- We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.
Woody Allen »
- What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen »
- What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen »
- What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists
Woody Allen »
- When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen »
- When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen »
- Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered
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- Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen »
- You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen »
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