He's the biggest man on campus. He's the boss with the sauce. He's the guy all the girls want and all the guys want to be. 'Cause in the collegiate jungle, there can be only one king ... and at Coolidge College it's Van Wilder. In the grand tradition of comedy classics like "National Lampoon's Animal House" and "National Lampoon's Vacation," "National Lampoon's Van Wilder" will charm you, move you and gross you out.
But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
I don't have a pen.
Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.
I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.