Deadtime Stories 
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Uncle Mike: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named "Rachel." Actually, she wasn't all that little. She was a hot-looking high school senior with deep blue eyes, and fine, firm breasts and...
Little Brian: That's not the way Mommy tells it!
Uncle Mike: Shut up, that's the way I tell it.
Willie: Lady, let me in!
Grandma: You go away! I got a meat cleaver here, and I know how to use it!
Lt. Jack B. Nimble: With all this permissive sex, and recreational violence, it's no wonder this country is in the mess it's in. I mean, it's like the old saying: when you lay down with dogs, you get up with puppies!
Goldi Lox: Hi, my name is Goldi. Actually, it's Golda. I was born during the Six-Day War.
Judith "MaMa" Baer: Isn't she sweet, Papa? She'll be like the daughter we never had.
Goldi Lox: And you'll be like the parents I brutally slaughtered!