Aliens in America

Franny:
Today this family is going to church.

Gary:
What?

Claire:
Seriously?

Justin:
I don't wanna go!

Franny:
Today this family is going to church, now get in the damn car!

Franny:
If you join the chastity club, I'll let you go on the Pill for Christmas.

Claire:
Deal.

Justin:
My mom? Well... she mommed.

Franny:
I made you an Omelette.

Justin:
I... I said I just wanted toast...

Franny:
You're 16! You don't know what you want!

Franny:
Gary, they're teenagers. School is their job. Raja gets straight A's, but Claire really needs to get that history grade up, and Justin - he needs work on his physics...

Justin:
Yeah.

Franny:
...social skills...

Justin:
What?

Mr. Matthews:
What in the hell is going on here, huh? Teen Sex? Are you kids on crack? You are not putting a sex float in my Homecoming parade!

Emily:
But Mr. Matthews, you don't understand...

Mr. Matthews:
Don't you 'Mr. Matthews' me, young lady! This is a school-sanctioned event. You are not gonna have two kids bumpin' uglies on a float!

Nicole:
Nobody said that there...

Mr. Matthews:
No, no, there will be no girl-on-guy action. There will be no two-girls-and-a-guy action. There will be no two-guys-and-a-girl action. There will be no action AT ALL!

Justin:
No, no, no, no, we weren't trying to do that. We were just trying to make a...

Mr. Matthews:
You are gonna to have the same pointless float that you have every year. I don't care whether it rips, it rules, or it rocks. It DOESN'T go humpidy humpidy!

Gary:
She looks like a whore! There is NO WAY that my Claire is going to the Homecoming dance in that dress!

Franny:
I think you're overreacting.

Gary:
Overreacting? It's practically showing her... I mean it's *barely* covering her...

Franny:
Breasts?

Gary:
Don't you talk that way about my little girl!

Todd Palladino:
Caucasian? What the hell's a Caucasian?

Mike Palladini:
I don't know. They should go back to where they came from!

Justin:
[voiceover] Intentional or not, Raja had stolen everything that mattered most to me, and I was determined to take it back. I knew I couldn't beat him with a better idea, so I came up with a cheaper one...

Justin:
TEEN SEX!

Nicole:
What?

Justin:
See, got your attention didn't it? It's a grabber.

Gary:
Look, son, it's OK to suck. But it's not OK to quit. And if that means making a fool of yourself in front of thousands and thousands of people, so be it.

Justin:
There's only, like, 80 people out there.

Gary:
Yeah, but it's gonna feel like thousands when they're throwing garbage at you...

Jeffrey:
I just wish there was something I could do to change her mind.

Gary:
Well you can't play it cool, that ship has sailed.

Jeffrey:
Did anything like this ever happen between you and Mrs. T?

Gary:
Well, come to think of it, we did break up briefly right before we got married.

Jeffrey:
Really? How'd you convince her to come back?

Franny:
[flashback] I'm pregnant?

Gary:
Aw crap, aw crap, aw crap!

Franny:
My life is over! [end of flashback]

Gary:
I... can't remember.

Franny:
Oh, Justin, if I was a girl your age... Gary, you know what? I should drive him down to Milwaukee. Have him visit one of those modeling agencies.

Gary:
Hey, not a bad idea Franny. They take all kinds. Stan Parker's kid did a print ad for Home Depot. That's one year of college.

Raja:
Are you the Tolchucks? I am Raja, your exchange student!

Franny:
Um, Gar?

Gary:
Yeah, yeah, um, I'm sorry son, there might be some confusion. The boy we ordered was supposed to come in from London.

Raja:
That *is* me. I started in Pakistan and then I flew in from London.

Gary:
Oh.

Raja:
What prayers do you recite when you are upset?

Justin:
I don't usually uh... I don't really pray that much. Usually I just, you know, like, eat a, eat a brownie or, uh, buy a CD.

Raja:
Justin, the pan is empty.

Franny:
Yeah, well whole idea is that when you come to America, you check your traditions at the border.

Gary:
Otherwise you've just got cannibals running around in the streets and we've got enough traffic problems as it is.

[from CW preview]

Raja:
Justin if you have not brushed your teeth yet, perhaps we can brush them together. Either way, I think you'll know we brush just the same.

[from CW preview]

Raja:
So what do you usually do when you are feeling down?

Justin:
I don't know, uh - eat a brownie.

Raja:
Justin. [points to brownie pan] The pan is empty.

Justin:
[seeing that it is indeed] Uh, yeah.

Justin:
[voiceover] The only real freedom I ever got was once a week at Rocket Club, which didn't even exist. You see, Craig, Dooley, and me just made it up as a cover one time 'cause we wanted to see Charlize Theron naked in the movie "North Country"

Dooley:
Who told you there was nudity in this?

Craig:
Look at her, she's filthy. I mean, eventually she *has* to shower.

Justin:
[voiceover] Turns out, 'strip mining' was not what we thought it was...

Justin:
[voiceover] Raja, meanwhile, had decided that if he actually *built* a model rocket, he wouldn't be lying.

Salesman:
Can I help you, son?

Raja:
Yes please. I need some flame-resistant wadding, reinforced cylindars, a really long fuse, detonation caps, and a radio-controlled timing device or simple alarm clock.

Salesman:
Can you, uh, wait right here? [Runs away in a panic]

Raja:
Certainly, sir.

Raja:
Sir, you should know that you are not going to find any evidence of terrorism. But you are going to find some very bad things on there. And that is because I used my computer to visit naughty websites of naked women.

Franny:
*You* look at pornography?

Raja:
Oh yes! It is very exciting to me to see women being made to flaunt themselves. And sometimes, I imagine that it is I who am taking the pictures. That is, of course, after I've tricked them into believing that I am M Night Shyamalan.

Raja:
A 'Roman Helmet?' I am so glad to see that you are respecting Anita, Justin.

Justin:
It's not as bad as it sounds.

Raja:
Oh, so draping your genitals across somebody's forehead is not degrading?

Dooley:
Not when two people love each other!

Justin:
It's Anita.

Claire:
Dude, don't be embarrassed. You're not the one who kissed you.

Justin:
Do you think it meant anything to her at all?

Claire:
Oh yeah - she'll never forget you.

Justin:
Really?

Claire:
You're the biggest mistake she ever made - that lasts forever.

Franny:
I just found a "cool tracker" in Madison who told me that all the cool kids are wearing this right now in Orange County.

Justin:
No, see mom, cool hip kids can wear that, but if I wear a shirt that says "computers rock" people will just think that I think computers rock.

Justin:
[Voice-over] I knew this could only end badly but Project Justin gave my mom such a sense of purpose.

Justin:
Fine, I'll wear it.

Franny:
Yes!

Raja:
Oh, they *do* rock.

Justin:
[voiceover] For some reason, Raja's endorsement *didn't* boost my confidence...

Justin:
[voiceover] Seeing Anita there, looking so beautiful, nurturing our baby caterpillar, I realized without a doubt this was my moment. [Kisses her]

Anita Richardson:
Did you just kiss me?

Justin:
Yes.

Anita Richardson:
Why?

Justin:
Because we both like caterpillars.

Anita Richardson:
Oh my GOD!

Justin:
Look I'm sorry, I just, I thought that with all the time we've been spending together and the arm touch...

Anita Richardson:
You actually thought YOU had a shot with ME?

Justin:
Now I just feel like you're being a little mean.

Anita Richardson:
Studying is one thing, but we just frenched!

Justin:
I'm sorry! This all made sense 12 seconds ago!

Anita Richardson:
Ewww, a WORM!

Justin:
It's a larva, you know that!

Anita Richardson:
[stomps on the caterpillar] I've gotta go!

Justin:
[voiceover] Sleeping Beauty had just woken up and took a royal dump on my heart.