Bachelor Father

Bentley Gregg:
[lamenting about Niece Kelly] Peter, why do little girls have to grow up and become big ones?

Peter Tong:
First time I hear you regret this natural phenomena.

Bentley Gregg:
You want to make a fortune, invent a way to graft a phone onto a teenager's ear.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
A bachelor's freedom is always in jeopardy, and when he's legal guardian to a 13-year-old child, he's particularly vulnerable. Well-intentioned friends and acquaintances are constantly introducing him to women who would, uh, who would make a wonderful mother for Kelly.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
My houseboy, Peter, who is normally the epitome of efficiency, has one sole trying flaw - the messages he leaves. I've been trying to decipher this one for the last two hours. I've used a rhyming dictionary, the encyclopedia, and an Army manual on cryptography. I couldn't break the code.

Bentley Gregg:
Would you make arrangements to get Peter a bus ticket up to San Francisco? He's going up to celebrate his gandmother's birthday. She's 94 years old.

Kitty Deveraux:
And she admits it?

Bentley Gregg:
After 90, why fight it?

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
Bachelors are a notoriously tricky lot; they have to be to stay that way. I know, because I'm a bachelor, myself. But the trickiest, slipperiest, sneakiest of all is my good friend, Chuck Forrest.

Bentley Gregg:
[regarding his upcoming home vacation] First and foremost, I'm going to do absolutely nothing.

Peter Tong:
If you get tired doing nothing, I'll be glad to help out.

Bentley Gregg:
It'll be nice to have an expert around.

[repeated line]

Bentley Gregg:
'War and Peace', Chapter 1.

[repeated line]

Grandpa Ling:
Hello, Joe.

Peter Tong:
I dream of delicate flower, the mother of my sons, to carry on the name of Tong. And what walks in? Miss Chicken Fat of 1955.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
Our fiftieth state, Hawaii, has enriched our lives in many ways - from the pineapple to the hula-hula. However, as the parent of a 16-year-old niece, I wish they hadn't invented surfboards.

Peter Tong:
[getting up from his seat at stockholder's meeting being chaired by Bentley Gregg] Excuse, please.

Bentley Gregg:
Do you wish to address the chair?

Peter Tong:
Oh, no. I want to talk to you, Mr. Gregg.

Bentley Gregg:
What is your question?

Peter Tong:
I'm not part owner of this company last year, so I'm not at meeting. Like to know what happened.

Bentley Gregg:
Well, it would take an hour-and-a-half to read the minutes.

Peter Tong:
Then why you call them minutes?

Peter Tong:
Sight of blood make me green out.

Kelly Gregg:
Black out.

Peter Tong:
That come later. First get good and green.

Kelly Gregg:
Peter, the Red Cross needs help. You're a good American, aren't you?

Peter Tong:
I good American, alright, but if they insist I give blood, I become even better Frenchman.

Peter Tong:
[Holding the racing form] I not bet money, just make mind bet. That way, never lose money, just lose mind.

Kelly Gregg:
Peter, I cleaned my room.

Peter Tong:
What you tryin' to do - ruin your reputation?

Kelly Gregg:
I am a responsibility.

Peter Tong:
Responsibility good for a man. If you don't come, he throw his whole life away enjoying himself.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
For some time there's been a discussion among zoologists about whether the South American iguana has a nervous system. There's an easy way to find out. Put the iguana in the same house with a teenager, and my money says that in a month the iguana will come out with the shakes.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
There was a time in my life when PTA was just one of those combination of letters like FHA and FCC, but a lecture I attended called "Your Teenage Child: The Dangerous Years" struck home with me. I left that meeting determined to make Kelly's life a symphony of regulated acivity.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
This is Beverly Hills, California, carved out of the wilderness by a movie producer. Its natives lead a simple life of tranquility - from which comes the term: tranquilizer pills.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
Saturday night is dance night in the Gregg household. Now, on this particular night, Kelly and I were going our separate ways - me to a black tie affair at the Beverly Hilton - Kelly to a dance at her school.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
One of the adjustments a bachelor has to make with a popular teenage niece around the house is the acute telephone problem. The phone just seems to be growing out of Kelly's head.

Bentley Gregg:
Now, if you wanted to say something complimentary to a girl, what would you say?

Howard Meechim:
You're not as fat as you used to be.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
Seldom have I seen Kelly more radiant. I'm driving her to her new apartment near campus. I promised it to her, if she went to a local college. You might say this was a day of hope for both of us. I was hoping that she would change her mind, and she was hoping that I'd drive faster.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
One of the byproducts of raising a 15-year-old girl is the interesting boys you meet. Lately, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde have been hanging around the house, each vying for Kelly's favor. And while she's been trying to make up her mind, I've been slowly going out of mine.

Peter Tong:
[on the phone with Cousin Charlie] You got results of TV survey? You called 200 homes in Beverly Hills; 68% have TV in kitchen. Very interesting. Of the 32% who don't have television in kitchen, how many have help problems?

Bentley Gregg:
Howard, there must be some team that you can make.

Howard Meechim:
Yeah, but who wants to play girl's field hockey?

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
As you may have gathered in the last few years of our acquaintanceship, I like women. I like them whether they're outdoors, indoors, below sea level, above sea level. Matter-of-fact, I like them under any circumstance - except one. When they're behind the wheel of a car.

Bentley Gregg:
Don't you think that you've been vacillating enough?

Peter Tong:
That depend.

Bentley Gregg:
On what?

Peter Tong:
What vacillating mean.

Kelly Gregg:
I'll have you know I walked right through Kessler's this afternoon, and all I bought was a hair net. I just wanted the thrill of signing for something.

Peter Tong:
You be careful. Remember, charge account like ocean. One step too far - you go under.

Peter Tong:
Hello, Mr. Gregg. You're home early.

Bentley Gregg:
Peter, I've just spent eight of the most miserable boring hours of my life with one the most beautiful girls in this town.

Peter Tong:
Sometime even Mickey Mantle don't get to first base.

[closing narration]

Bentley Gregg:
[frame freezed, as Peter swings vase at someone's head] Ladies and gentlemen, we have halted the film at this point because we on this show deplore violence on television.

Bentley Gregg:
I'm generous with Kelly. I give her everything she wants.

Peter Tong:
Sure. You accustom her to live in lap of luxury. Now she find somebody with softer lap.

Kelly Gregg:
Couldn't we sue her before she sues us?

Bentley Gregg:
Darling, you've been around a lawyer long enough to know that you don't sue anybody, unless it's absolutely necessary. A very wise man once said, "Never trouble trouble, 'til trouble troubles you, or you only make your trouble double-trouble, when you do."

Vickie:
It's a wonderful feeling, Mr. Gregg - this feeling of belonging to one person.

Bentley Gregg:
Yes, I know the feeling - had it three times last week.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
It was shortly after we moved into our new house that Peter, my houseboy, developed a passion for the purchase of large amounts of avacodos, and when he wasn't buying avacados at the supermarket, he was staring dreamily into space.

Cousin Frank:
[clearing the dinner table] Where's the dishwashing machine?

Peter Tong:
I looking at him.

Peter Tong:
You pinch nickle so hard, Indian come out riding buffalo!

Peter Tong:
Go ahead. Read fortune.

Bentley Gregg:
Man who own gymnasium live off fat of land.

Peter Tong:
[chuckles at joke]

Bentley Gregg:
Why this is no fortune. This is an old joke.

Peter Tong:
Who cares? Customer laugh. I make fortune.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
The evening, thus far, was working like a charm. I had only two days ago met Lila West, B.A., Ph.D. A charming young woman, who was going places in the business world - and I was hoping to go places with Lila.

Kelly Gregg:
[chasing Peter] Peter! Peter!

Peter Tong:
Yes, Niece Kelly?

Kelly Gregg:
Don't go. Uncle Bentley just said he wants you back, but it's a matter of conviction.

Peter Tong:
I have convictions, too, but he boss - he has to be convicted first.

[opening narration]

Bentley Gregg:
Six months ago, Irene married one of my closest friends, Joe, and ever since then she's introduced me to a series of girls in the hope that one of them will bring me the happiness that she's brought to Joe.