Birds of a Feather

Dorien Green:
Frankly, Sharon, I'd rather bury a close relative.

[Dorien enters]

Dorien Green:
Good afternoon, neighbours.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
It was, up until now.

Dorien Green:
Now, now, Sharon. Fat people are supposed to be jolly; it's a tradition.

Gloria:
Ah, look it's Goldie Locks. You done a big mistake, I would have strumped that Wayne til me denchers rattled!

Tracey Stubbs:
What do you want to move for?

Dorien Green:
Lots of reasons.The area isn't quite what it was.I'd like a larger garden.And we're 081 you know.

Tracey Stubbs:
What do you mean.We're all 081,we're outer London.

Dorien Green:
Well exactly.

Tracey Stubbs:
Well you can't move just 'cos of that.It's just two areas.Inner London's 071,outer London's 081.What's the difference?

Dorien Green:
Don't be silly Tracey.It isn't geography it's status.And those three little numbers are cruelly eloquent,they mean so much.071 says select 081 means common I don't care what Maureen Lipman says.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
It's a show up having a wife who scrubs floors for a living - just like it's a show up for you having a husband in the nick. Yeah, and don't tell me you don't lie and tell some people I'm working in Saudi.

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
No, not at all, I tell them the truth. I do lie about what you're in here for though [leans forward] I tell them you were nicked for sleeping with farm animals!

Chris Theodopolopodous:
You are joking?

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
You'll never know till you get out will you? But, if you suddenly find you've got the nickname 'Old MacDonald' you'll know why!

Dorien Green:
[In the run-down caf?] Does it have a ladies' room or do I look for a bucket marked 'hers'?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Have a cake, Dor.

Dorien Green:
Oh! Are these from your baker's?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Certainly not! I wouldn't eat anything that pervert made - I know what he uses to poke the holes in the doughnuts!

Dorien Green:
Oh God Sharon I must be so transparent - am I that easy to read?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
No - but your diary is!

Dorien Green:
How dare you!

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
It was an accident! I was looking in your handbag... and it fell open [pause] 'Ere Dor - I love that story about you waking up after that wild and passionate night to find the bloke and written two out of ten on your bum!

Dorien Green:
I was going through that wardrobe for ages looking for something that said 'funeral'

Tracey Stubbs:
I see, and all you could find was something that said 'heart attack'

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
She's come to complain about our gutter.

Tracey Stubbs:
Why what's the matter with it?

Dorien Green:
It's blocked. When it rains it makes a waterfall.

Tracey Stubbs:
Does it? Well it's only in my garden.

Dorien Green:
Yes but it's near our garden. It's like trying to sleep at the foot of Niagra Falls. It kept us both awake all last night and I don't like Marcus been awake in the middle of night it gives him ideas. Well you know Marcus. He and his investments are inseparable. When shares were slow to come up after the 87 crash, so was Marcus which suits me fine. But recently he's been telling me that his prices have started to harden.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
She's come to complain about our gutter.

Tracey Stubbs:
Why what's the matter with it?

Dorien Green:
It's blocked.When it rains it makes a waterfall.

Tracey Stubbs:
Does it? Well it's only in my garden.

Dorien Green:
Yes but it's near our garden.It's like trying to sleep at the foot of Niagra Falls.It kept us both awake all last night and I don't like Marcus been awake in the middle of night it gives him ideas.Well you know Marcus.He and his investments are inseperable.When shares were slow to come up after the 87 crash,so was Marcus which suits me fine.But recently he's been telling me that his prices have started to harden.

Dorien Green:
He doesn't seem interested. I don't understand it!

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Perhaps you're being too subtle.

Dorien Green:
I hardly think so. When he came round this morning, I opened the door in my underwear.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
I didn't know you had a door in your underwear! What is it - a tradesmen's entrance?

Dorien Green:
Do you know, when I was at college, most of my friends were either dropping out or sitting in.

Garth Stubbs:
What were you doing - lying down?

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
Look, will you get back to your typing and let me watch my 'Prisoner Cell Block H' in peace please?

Tracey Stubbs:
Oh, I don't know how you can bear to watch that programme!

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
Why? 'Cos it's a constant reminder that our loved ones are banged up? Or it's an indictment on the way our society makes entertainment out of people's misery, deprivation and despair?

Tracey Stubbs:
No Shal, 'cos it's a load of old cods!

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Trace, I was out grafting before he was a even a quickie in the back of a Cortina.

Dorien Green:
No, I really look forward to meeting Daryl's parents. I'm sure they're absolutely sweet - totally unspoilt, very natural.

Tracey Stubbs:
Dead common, you mean!

Dorien Green:
Tracey, now you know I'm not a snob. I can get along with all kinds of people I don't care which golf club they belong to.

Dorien Green:
Look, I know I've got a mouth on me.

Tracey Stubbs:
Like a whale.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Sperm whale.

Dorien Green:
When did you last have your hair done?

Tracey Stubbs:
Last day of the trial.

Dorien Green:
You haven't had your hair done in over a week.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
I haven't had my hair done in over a year.

Dorien Green:
Well there's no point in throwing good money at the bad.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
I never knocked you about did I?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
If you'd have tried you'd have got you teeth back in an ashtray.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Trace you can't delay the ageing process.Look at Bruce Forsythe.

Tracey Stubbs:
What about that mate of Dorien's.If I look like her when I'm 45 I'll be well pleased.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
She's had so many face-lifts she'll have a beard soon.

Tracey Stubbs:
You might not give a monkeys what you look like when the boys get out of prison but I do.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
You can't make time stand still.Wrinkles and bags under your eyes are God's way of telling you you're knackered.

Tracey Stubbs:
Bags.What bags?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Talking of bags here she is.Hi Dor.

Tracey Stubbs:
[Sucking the lime in a bottle] Well I can't get nothing out of this

Dorien Green:
Yes well you have to suck harder

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
Well, we ain't all had the same amount of practice as you, Dor!

Dorien Green:
I don't know why I come here to be insulted!

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
Saves you going 'round your mum's, dunnit?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Morning Dor.

Dorien Green:
Sharon you made me jump.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
I don't suppose that'll be the last one you'll have today.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Her swimming costume cost more than my entire wardrobe.

Chris Theodopolopoudos:
Your swimming costume is bigger than her entire wardrobe.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
What happened to the BMW?

Chris Theodopolopodous:
I swapped it

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Through what? Exchange a prat?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Her swimming costume cost more than my entire wardrobe.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
And your swimming costume's bigger than her entire wardrobe.

Tracey Stubbs:
I love you Darryl.

Darryl Stubbs:
Wait for me Tracey.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
Wait for me and all Sharon.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
What you must be bloody joking!I've waited long enough.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
She said I was a lodger.

Dorien Green:
She said you were a lodger.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Well she didn't actually.I said it.

Dorien Green:
Well you're not are you.I mean you don't pay rent.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Harrods sale, Harrods sale, there's only one Harrods sale. Guess where I've been?

Tracey Stubbs:
Ikea?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
I don't like you.The judge that sent you down is on my Christmas card list.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
What about all the good times we had then.You just gonna flush those down the toilet?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
What good times? A day out at Fontwell races five years ago.A quick fumble every six months.And a right hander every birthday.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
Yeah you was out of order hitting me!

Davey Cooper:
Dorien Kapper?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos, Tracey Stubbs:
The Chigwell Slapper.

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
[Enter Dorien] Call me stupid, but I thought when Marcus chucked Dorien out we'd see less of her...

Tracey Stubbs:
You're stupid.

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
...but there you are, ever present - like the fart that follows you into the car!

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Do we send you Jew's Christmas cards or what?I mean seen as you killed Jesus and that.

Dorien Green:
Not me personally Sharon,I was at the hairdressers.

Tracey Stubbs:
You're on the game, ain't ya? Oh come on, I've seen it hundreds of times - when we were kids half the women down Stanley Street were at it. No visible means of support except their suspenders!

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
And that's what you think of me, is it? Well thanks a bleeding million, Trace! You grab yourself a bit of privacy, get a new handbag, and all of a sudden you're Miss Ten-Times-A-Night-If-You've-Got-The-Readies! [pause] 'Most people know her as simple, friendly, respectable Sharon - but then it's into the 'phone box, quick change into the fishnets and red garters, and off she flies - SUPERBRASS!' [Storming out] You dirty minded cow!

Dorien Green:
Now, think of me as a cross between Claire Rayner and Dyno-Rod.

Tracey Stubbs:
No money.How can I have no money? My husband's a bloody bank robber.

Tracey Stubbs:
What are you doing eating them?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
I think I'm eating them.Yep.Definetly what I'm doing.

Tracey Stubbs:
You've got a nerve.Their Darry's favourites.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Well I hate to say this Trace.But the prawn's sell by date is a lot earlier than Darryl's out of his cell by date.

Dorien Green:
That was my tale, it was all about me.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
How? The only thing you had a common with them is that you got inside some young bloke's Levis.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Chris is getting out.

Tracey Stubbs:
That's great.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
No it ain't. It like the menopause. You know it's coming but its hardly grounds for a finger buffet.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
I've no intention of seeing Chris again.

Tracey Stubbs:
But you can't just dump him. He's still your husband. You've got to stay with him through thick and thin. Take the rough with the smooth, share the ups and the downs.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
The in's and the out's and the oakey's and the coakey's.

Tracey Stubbs:
Don't take the mick. What about your marriage vows?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
They were all in Greek. For all I know he might have been agreeing to buy all twenty volumes of the encyclopedia brittanic.

Tracey Stubbs:
We can set fire to something. We set fire to something, somebody sees the smoke, they call the fire brigade and we get rescued.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Or we set fire to something, nobody notices, so nobody rescues us and we all choke to death in the smoke!

Tracey Stubbs:
Smoke signals. Yeah. We set fire to something, someone will notice, they call the fire brigade and we get rescued.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Or, we set fire to something, no one notices, so no one rescues us and we all choke to death in the smoke!

Tracey Stubbs:
All you have to do is flash your plastic and Marcus picks up the tab.

Dorien Green:
These are not plastic.

Tracey Stubbs:
I meant your credit cards not your thropny bits.

[Sharon, Tracey and Dorien are playing Monopoly]

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Your go, Trace.

[Tracey rolls the dice]

Tracey Stubbs:
Four.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Which means you're on... Dorien's B*obs!

[Dorien and Tracey look perplexed]

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Otherwise known as the Community Chest!

Garth Stubbs:
Err, excuse me. Can I just remind that there is a pair of testicles cooking you two dinner?

Tracey Stubbs:
I don't want to lie - it's because of lies and deceit that my husband's in prison. I want him to be able to trust me!

Dorien Green:
I have to say that's being very na?ve

Tracey Stubbs:
Oh, it might be to you - you spend your life lying through your dentures to that husband of yours. Stick a pin in the phone book and it's odds on it'll land on someone you've had an affair with!

Dorien Green:
You are not my mother! You have no right to talk to me...

Tracey Stubbs:
[Interrupting] OH SHUT UP! Everyone round here knows you're the most popular ride outside Alton Towers! [Dorien runs out]

Dorien Green:
You're looking healthier already.This psychotherapy's given you a glow.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
That's down to her knickers been too tight.

Tracey Stubbs:
I'm thinking of having no smoking areas in this house.You'll only be able to smoke in your bedroom and the garden.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Get outta of it.I've gotta have a smoke in the toilet for a start.I can't go unless I've got a fag.

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
[Discussing sex] Doing it in unusual places with the risk of discovery always makes it better. Me and Dave did it in the back of his Telecom van!

Tracey Stubbs:
That ain't so daring! Even me and Daryl have done it in the back of a van.

Sharon Theodopolopodous:
Yeah, but we was going through a car-wash!

Chris Theodopolopodous:
What are the love birds barneying about?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Tracey's pregnant.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
What.So Mother Teresa's wandered off the straight and narrow has she?

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
It's Darryl's you toe rag.

Chris Theodopolopodous:
Yeah.What's he been sticking his envelopes down with.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
Listen turd brain.If my sister says it's Darryl's...

Chris Theodopolopodous:
Look I don' give a toss either way.At least I don't have to worry about you.Your fallopian tubes are more congested than the Bakerloo line in the rush hour.

Tracey Stubbs:
At least the hospital's free.You should be grateful for whatever you get up there.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
You'd soon change your tune if you needed emergencey medical aid.

Tracey Stubbs:
No I wouldn't I'd go private.I'm with PPP.

Sharon Theodopolopoudos:
And what's that stand for? Piss off poor people.