Dempsey and Makepeace

Dempsey:
[having just shot his traitorous partner] Joey... you shoulda had me Joey... you shoulda had me.

O'Grady:
Dempsey, you're brains fallin' out. It's Coltrane's word against yours.

O'Grady:
Now you listen to me good, Dempsey: we'll get Coltrane, but the time isn't right. And when it is, we'll need you.

Dempsey:
I'm here, what am I supposed to do, sit on my butt? Practice swimming with a bullet in my head and cement flippers?

O'Grady:
I'm getting you outta here.

Dempsey:
Can you get a pastrami sandwich in England?

O'Grady:
If you can't, I'll mail you one.

Dempsey:
On rye. Don't forget the pickle.

O'Grady:
Do you think the limeys can handle him?

Cop:
They handled Argentina.

O'Grady:
It's a good thing that guy's straight. Can you imagine if Dempsey was a hood?

Spikings:
Are you offering me a bloody Yank?

Spikings:
Do you know the retail value of a lorryload of caviar?

Dempsey:
That's more than my per diem.

Spikings:
A 40 ton load would be 16 million quid.

Dempsey:
What's a quid?

Spikings:
Pound. [Dempsey whistles]

Makepeace:
[posing as a waitress] What you lot want?

Spikings:
Lager.

Makepeace:
What about you?

Dempsey:
[thinks for a moment] Scotch on the rocks.

Makepeace:
Got no bleedin' rocks here, mate, you'll have to make do with a lump of ice.

Spikings:
Leftenant Dempsey has been seconded to work with us for a while. He knows something about this investigation, so I want you to work together on it. [Makepiece gives a disapproving look] You can also show him how we operate. We might even learn something from his methods. In New York, they think he's 'hot stuff'. Who knows? You might even make a team.

Makepeace:
Look, leftenant...

Dempsey:
Lieutenant.

Makepeace:
Somehow I don't think this is going to work.

Dempsey:
Why is that?

Makepeace:
I mean, how can we carry this off, if we don't even like each other?

Dempsey:
Well who says we have to like each other? Lots of married couples hate each other's guts. We could be one of them. What do you say, Sharon, baby?

Dempsey:
If you need any help, just call me.

Makepeace:
I will, leftenant.

Dempsey:
Lieutenant. Lieutenant. You can say that, can't ya, sergeant? You just put your lips together and you go 'oooh'.

Spikings:
[barely controling his rage] Instead of pretending to know where it is, why don't you just maybe go out and start looking for the caviar instead.

Dempsey:
[snaps fingers] You know something? That's a good idea.

Makepeace:
What the hell is that?

Dempsey:
It ain't caviar.

Spikings:
Damn me, Dempsey, did you have to kill five men? Couldn't you have... killed one and wounded the others?

Makepeace:
Don't tap your nose at me again, I've had it. No more hunches!

Dempsey:
[to Makepeace] It's my hunch, but it's your butt too.

Lord Winfield:
My dear, the head of this whole department happens to be none other than old Commander Duffield.

Makepeace:
Uncle Duffy? But he went peculiar!

Lord Winfield:
Well yes, exactly.

Makepeace:
[trying to untie the ropes that bind them] Maybe we're doing this the wrong way round.

Dempsey:
Huh?

Makepeace:
Maybe you should be doing this to me.

Dempsey:
Sergeant, this is not time for old world humor.

Makepeace:
Well how come you had already booked a suite when you told me it was a spur of the moment idea?

Dempsey:
Oh, it was a spur, it was just a different spur. Based on the advice of my father. [takes a bite of caviar]

Makepeace:
Oh yes?

Dempsey:
Yeah, he always said: whenever you check into a new city, always reserve the honeymoon suite.

Makepeace:
Even when you're traveling alone?

Dempsey:
Well like my father said: you never know when you might get lucky. [offers her a spoonful of caviar]

Dempsey:
Am I right or am I right?

Makepeace:
Relax, you're right!

Dempsey:
Thanks a lot.

Dempsey:
Listen, babe...

Makepeace:
DON'T you babe me!

Makepeace:
With the greatest respect, leftenant, there are several flaws in that argument...

Dempsey:
Believe me, sergeant, Believe this. [touches his nose] Believe the nose. The nose knows. I'm telling you.

Makepeace:
I've got one too.

Dempsey:
Well don't it tell you nothing?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[Rickie skates up to Dempsey and Makepeace in the park] Nice movin', Rickie.

Rickie Rude:
Yeah man, I got greased lightning on my wheels.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Why don't you put some on your tongue, Mr. Grant.

Rickie Rude:
Rude.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
What?

Rickie Rude:
Rickie Rude, changed my name by Deed Poll.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Cute.

Rickie Rude:
I know, the girls love it.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Not this one.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[to Rickie] You ever tried skating in a cell? It really makes your turns perfect.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Listen, I may be the guy he hates most in the world. Maybe he spend the last two and half years thinking about how he was going to get even with me. Now all of a sudden that same guy, namely me, is offering him his freedom. That's gotta hurt.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Maybe it hurts too much.

Lt. James Dempsey:
In that case, you're in charge of plan B.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Oh, thanks a bunch.

Lt. James Dempsey:
I can't do everything, Makepeace.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[pointing a gun at Lymon's face] I thought we had a deal.

Keith Lymon:
What deal?

Lt. James Dempsey:
You we're gonna lead me to Eddie Dean's brother.

Keith Lymon:
[wipes blood from his nose] Half brother.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Where is he?

Keith Lymon:
You just shot him.

Lt. James Dempsey:
My nose tells me something's wrong here, Makepeace.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Well lets hope your nose is wrong, for Lucy's sake.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[to Lymon] What took you so long, Sundance?

Lt. James Dempsey:
I ain't crowded, I'm crackered.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Crackered?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Yeah, cream crackered.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Sorry?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[sits down next to her] Cockney rhyming slang: cream crackered; knackered.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
You're learning fast.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
You two finished?

Lt. James Dempsey:
I guess you're just gonna have to go down there and charm the pants of the guy. Then I can sweaten his gastank.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Hm, thanks a bunch.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Come on, Makepeace. You can ooze sex for thirty seconds, can't ya?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Well, here we go, keep your fingers crossed, and your head down.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Why is it always me who ends up on the floor?

Lt. James Dempsey:
I'm not making any sexist remarks today.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Thank you.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Don't mention it.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
I won't. Are sure this is going to work?

Lt. James Dempsey:
No.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Shall we get a room?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Sorry?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Didn't I see you hookin' in Mayfair last night? [pulls out several pound notes] Okay, lunch is on me.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Well, lets see how loose Mrs. Wilson's tongue is.

Lt. James Dempsey:
If you want, I could slap her around for a little bit.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Dempsey, how many times must I tell you that it's very ungentlemanly to hit women.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Okay, I'll hold her, you hit her.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[Dempsey has commandeered a motorcycle] All we need now is some bright spark from traffic to pull us for not having titfers.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Titfers? Tit for tat, hat!

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[lying on the floor, bleeding] What are you after, Makepeace? Promotion?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[driving a car] Makepeace, get your head down.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[in the back seat with a wounded Spikings] I'm on the floor again, I don't believe it!

Lt. James Dempsey:
Don't fight it, it's where you belong.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Is Dempsey's last stand finished out there? Get him.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Now that's a really good match: a saucepan lid and a cherry hog.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[thinks for a moment] A saucepan lid: kid. Cherry hog?... dog! What a clever boy.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Looks like a fancy schmancy doormat.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
It's not meant for wiping your feet on, it's a prayer mat and it's made of silk.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Present. [hands Dempsey a book]

Lt. James Dempsey:
Oh, you shouldn't have.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
You're going to do some, eh, quick cramming on the antique business.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Harry, I wouldn't know a chippendale from a chipmunk.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[Dempsey is playing a fey American art buyer] Oh! Look at this. [holds up a prayer mat] Wouldn't this look divine in the john?

Lt. James Dempsey:
I'll tell ya something, the only difference between your scum and ours is that yours talk better. They sound intelligent. But low life is low life, I don't care what you dress em like.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Without low life, Dempsey, we'd be without jobs.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[gets into car] Hi there, miss, you always pick up strange men in the park?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
No, only you. You're the only strange man I know.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Really? You're innocence turns me on.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
You're lack of it turns me off.

Mickey Bailey:
[pointing at stolen Egyptian artifacts] And no glowing in the dark!

Scott:
Don't go shooting your mouth off. And keep that stuff locked up until I tell you different.

Mickey Bailey:
Of course I will. What could I do with it? Play with it in the bath?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[Dempsey has just shielded Makepeace from a bomb explosion] Truth, Harry. Did the earth move?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Oh Dempsey, you will ask him nicely, won't you? We don't want his reply from the hereafter. [Dempsey touches his breast and leaves] Was that a promise, or was he just checking his gun?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[addressing a punk youth with a pink Mohawk] What is with hair anyway, you swallow a grenade or something?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[Makepeace looks cross at Dempsey as he lights a cigar in a hospital waiting room] What do you want me to do, knit?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[shouting] Every time you're around, world war three explodes.

Lt. James Dempsey:
You wanna hear an explosion, lady?

Nurse:
Excuse me.

Lt. James Dempsey:
What? Sorry.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[a middle-aged, overweight man, wearing nothing but a towel, fires at Dempsey until his handgun empties. Dempsey approaches him, and puts his gun to the man's head] *This* one is loaded!

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[the man raises his hands and the towel falls to the floor. Makepeace walks up the stairs and spots the man standing now naked in front of Dempsey] [ironically] Am I interrupting something, Dempsey?

Dempsey:
I would have been a knight in shining armour.

Makepeace:
You would have been shining armour at night.

Dempsey:
Touch?.

Spikings:
I have been asked, no, I have been ordered, to grant you leave of absence.

Makepeace:
I'm sorry, I don't understand, sir.

Spikings:
Join the club, Makepeace, join the club.

Lord Winfield:
First of all, I want to know all about that awful American, that hoodlum, Dempsey they've hoisted on you.

Makepeace:
[turns around awkwardly] Leftennant James Dempsey, Lord Winfield.

Lord Winfield:
[Dempsey slowly walks towards Winfield] Eh, hah, how do you do? Wonderful to see you. I hope you don't think I was referring to you, heh, heh. Good lord no. No, it was some other frightful American. Another Dempsey entirely. A gorilla. [pulls the face of a big strong ape and makes boxing movements] Not like you at all.

Prunella:
How do you feel about the Chinese, Mr. Dempsey?

Dempsey:
[thinks for a moment] Prawn balls give me indigestion.

Makepeace:
Naismith's talking to Frances Trafford.

Dempsey:
Naismith does a lot of talking. Keep your ear to the door

Makepeace:
I know every sound in this house. Every creak in every floorboard. Anybody moves, I'll know.

Dempsey:
Oh, that's great.

Makepeace:
I may not be jungle trained, but I do have ears.

Makepeace:
Now just a moment, Dempsey, I resent the way you're ordering me around in my own house. This is my territory.

Dempsey:
What are you hollering, you'll wake up the whole castle!

Arnold Sims:
My wife's at home in the water, Dempsey. Do you, eh, do you care to join her?

Dempsey:
No, I'm safer on old Terra Firma. The more firma the less terra.

Dempsey:
I guess you're just gonna have to come to terms with it.

Makepeace:
With what?

Dempsey:
No longer being a wealthy heiress. [pause] You'll always have something to look forward to...

Makepeace:
Like what?

Dempsey:
You're policewoman's pension.

Dempsey:
[holding a live grenade] I never had a partner I could ask this before: you got a bobby pin?

Dempsey:
[provoking the psychiatrist] You know, I've always been meaning to ask... I mean, wouldn't it be better if you stretched brains instead of schrinking 'em?

Jimmy:
You know there was a time when dinosaurs ruled the earth. You know what did them in, don't ya? Curiosity... [rubs Big Ben's head]

Dempsey:
Tough character, the sergeant. You're Royal Army breed them that way?

Makepeace:
British, not Royal.

Dempsey:
Navy's royal.

Makepeace:
Yeah.

Dempsey:
You got a Royal Air Force.

Makepeace:
Hm-hm.

Dempsey:
Royal Marines.

Makepeace:
Royal Marines.

Dempsey:
Whats the matter, the queen don't like the army?

Makepeace:
Her Majesty happens to be its Commander in Chief.

Spikings:
[talking on CB in office] Dempsey, you will be both cooperative and polite. Over.

Makepeace:
[standing next to car, receiving] Roger sir, eh, would you please tell leftenant Dempsey to make his own way there?

Spikings:
I thought he was with you?

Dempsey:
[takes the receiver] I'm right here, chief. You can tell sergeant Makepeace I wouldn't ride with her if she was naked on a Harley Davidson with a rose in her teeth. [Makepeace grabs back the receiver]

Spikings:
What the hell is going on there?

Makepeace:
Tell leftenant Dempsey he should be so lucky, over and out.

Dempsey:
You know, sometimes I think we're too hard on the boss.

Billy Lucas:
Well what do you want? SLR's SMG's GPMG's, mortars, grenades, claymores, sidewinders? You name it, we can supply it.

Dempsey:
For our particular purpose, details of which you have no need to know, we require one current model fully armed, fueled and operational tank.

Makepeace:
[unable to conseil her surprise] Tank?

Dempsey:
I told you: we can only afford one!

Edwards:
You don't like me, do you?

Makepeace:
Does it matter?

Edwards:
Well, I'm used to it. I think you're being a bit hard on Jim, though.

Makepeace:
He's used to it.

Edwards:
Do you mind some advice? A man like Jim relies on his instincts, Harriet. Now while they're intact, he functions efficiently. But once he's made to question them, once he's made to doubt them, you damage him more than you could know. You damage him and you endanger him. He's a machine you see, a killer.

Makepeace:
I think I know Dempsey rather better than you do.

Edwards:
I hope so, for his sake.

Big Ben Davis:
It's my day off today, you're on today.

Club Bouncer:
Yeah, I know.

Big Ben Davis:
Then you're gonna have to bounce me! [picks up a table and throws it]

Dempsey:
[on CB] Dempsey, Makepeace, Hot Kat Club. Sounds like your man.

Dempsey:
You know how to handle a gun... you been in the army?

Big Ben Davis:
They didn't want me. Jimmy was, though.

Dempsey:
Yeah...

Big Ben Davis:
He didn't like it. I would. I like guns.

Dempsey:
Yeah, well eh... [glances around the room] You got quite a collection.

Big Ben Davis:
I've been saving. Jimmy didn't know.

Lt. James Dempsey:
How can you tell a Polak at a cockfight? He's the one with a duck. [Makepeace glances at him but does not laugh] How can you tell the Irishman at a cockfight? He's the one who bet on the duck. [still no hint of a smile] How can you tell the mafia was at the cockfight?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
The duck won?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[brushing his hair with his hand like he always does in times of stress] Haggis, haggis... I hate the Scotch. I hate them even more than the bloody Yanks!

Lt. James Dempsey:
[walking in the park] Makepeace, I wanna ask you something.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Yes?

Lt. James Dempsey:
What's haggis?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Ehm... it's offal. This seems a good place. [lays down the blanket she is carrying on the grass]

Lt. James Dempsey:
No, I didn't mean what it tastes like, what is it?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
It's offal.

Stephen Heller:
[referring to her dress] You're still wearing it.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Don't you like it?

Stephen Heller:
Not any longer. Take it off.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[forced to land a plane] Dempsey, I'm scared.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[talking her down from ground control] No, you're not. You're just nervous.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
She's nervous?

Dempsey:
[about Spikings] Sometimes it's hard for me to get my head around the fact this guy is on the same side I am. [walks off]

Spikings:
[sitting in his car] I heard that, leftenant!

Dempsey:
[about Dan's wallpainting] What is that?

Dan:
It's a woman.

Dempsey:
I guess you ain't seen one in a while.

Dempsey:
Me and Makepeace, see, we'll set up a full surveillance and then the whole thing should just fall right in our laps.

Spikings:
That may prove rather difficult. [takes a piece of paper from a file, hands it to Dempsey]

Dempsey:
What's this?

Spikings:
From Harry. She's resigned from the force.

Dempsey:
What's that spoon do?

Makepeace:
It keeps the champagne from going flat.

Dempsey:
Why don't you stick that in your sense of humor, because this resignation is a very bad joke.

Dempsey:
If somebody's got nothing to do they can figure out who stole the paper towels from the mens room.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Makepeace, popcorn.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Popcorn?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Yeah, popcorn, that's the password. Whoever says it first, that's it, we split.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Popcorn. Right, got it.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Okay, let's keep it under 30 minutes.

Angie Hughes:
[having removed her gown, Angie joins Dempsey who is lying under a casino table] Was it something I said?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[about to defuse a bomb stuck underneath the table] Nope, nothing you did either. But if I don't concentrate, this'll be one hell of a way to go.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[Dempsey has inserted a gambling chip into a ticking bomb] Now all we have to do, is...

Angie Hughes:
What?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Break the contact, and it's harmless.

Angie Hughes:
So break it.

Lt. James Dempsey:
The trouble is it has to be the right wire.

Angie Hughes:
And if it isn't?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Hamburger time.

Angie Hughes:
Load the trunk. And be sure to leave a space... for you.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Where the bloody hell have you been?

Lt. James Dempsey:
That's a really good question.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
She was a professional killer. [Demspey touches his left arm and just stares at her, Makepeace turns around and moves off]

Lt. James Dempsey:
[after a pause] Yeah... she really was...

Tom Bishop:
[dying words] Tell Spikings...

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Tell him what, Tom?

Tom Bishop:
It's the man in the red coat...

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Winton Direct marketing services. Where I followed Lindsay's chum.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[browsing files] Lindsay?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Yes, Dempsey. Lindsay's chum, Prince Charming. Whom I went after while you were amusing yourself with Cinderella.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Cinderella? Oh, the fox!

Sharon:
[about Lucky] Look, gone, he's taken all the bloomin' lot. All me tom.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[explaining the rhyming slang to Dempsey] Tomfoolery.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Jewellery.

Barman:
[Dempsey and Makepeace are caught sneaking around in a pub's cellar] Hey, you two!

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Do you mean us?

Barman:
Come on.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Eh, sorry, we've seemed to have lost our way.

Lt. James Dempsey:
It's my fault, I was looking for the little boy's room.

Barman:
Yeah? And what about her?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Oh, that's my mother. She takes me everywhere.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[Dempsey has found evidence on paper, gives it to Makepeace] Dempsey you're... [catches herself]... quite clever. [he snatches the paper back] Ok, a genius.

Lt. James Dempsey:
I know.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[reading aloud from a piece of paper] As requested, we guarantee a 75% coverage of all the households in the United Kingdom. 75%? You should see my Christmas card list, it runs into thousands.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Am I on it?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
No, you're not.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Hm, I've had enough of today. Let's go to bed. [Dempsey turns and looks hopeful] Me in my bed and you in yours.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Harry... [unfortunately for him the phone rings]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Spikings is going to be very unhappy about this.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Why, don't he like theater?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[conversing on walkie talkies] Harry, when this started, we was the good guys and they was the bad guys.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[on other line] And now?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Now it's a turkey shoot. And we're the turkeys.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Ten billion? Counterfeit notes?

Det. Sgt. Chas Jarvis:
That's what Dempsey said.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
And he asked for backup?

Det. Sgt. Chas Jarvis:
Priority.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
My God. You know what that means, don't you? Let's get moving. Before he sinks half the merchant navy!

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[on their way to a wedding] So this is what you do when you're off duty? Listen to police messages?

Lt. James Dempsey:
A good cop is never off duty.

Det. Chief. Inspector Lacey:
You are a cowboy. Yeah, I've heard about you, Dempsey. You know the advice they give cowboys?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Stay away from Lulu at the Long Ranch?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[discussing a subject while eating junk food] I got a feeling in my guts.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
That's the mustard.

Det. Chief. Inspector Lacey:
[Dempsey obects to Lacey searching his apartment] Gonna be sensible, are you?

Lt. James Dempsey:
I'll tell ya what we're gonna be: in about one second I'm gonna be mad as hell and you're gonna be flat on your high ranking butt.

Lt. James Dempsey:
If you wanna find out who killed Simmons, find his driver!

Det. Chief. Inspector Lacey:
We already did. His name's Phelps.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Well, what did he say?

Det. Chief. Inspector Lacey:
Not a lot, no brains. Back of his head was missing.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Dempsey, you're a clown.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Yeah, but under the greasepaint my heart is breaking.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Shut up!

Lt. James Dempsey:
What about loyalty. Ever hear of loyalty? Like between partners?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
In sickness and in health?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Damn right.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Till death sentence do us part?

Lt. James Dempsey:
I do.

Dr. Pohl:
[Makepeace is dressed for dinner and Dempsey as a bum] You are police? What do muggers look like?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[to Makepeace] Amazing. Amazing! You're lips move and I hear Dempsey's voice!

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Well Dempsey thinks that Harris...

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
He doesn't! Dempsey thinks the case is solved when he knows who the bad guys are. It doesn't have to go to court, it doesn't have to be proved beyond any reasonable doubt!

Dempsey:
[shouting] Hey, those beans get here from Columbia yet? Coffee por favor!

Spikings:
Chas, call the editor of the Standard, ask him to hold the final edition front page till we get the photo to him, huh?

Chas:
Right, gov.

Spikings:
It's three fifteen now, he can hold it till four but he won't like it. Tell him if he runs it before we get the stuff to him, I'll push that photofit where a photofit doesn't fit.

Makepeace:
This is my partner, leftennant Dempsey from New York.

Dempsey:
[smiles, slaps her on the back] Partner...

Makepeace:
I use the term loosely.

Makepeace:
[Robertsun tries to close his door as soon as he sees Dempsey and Makepeace standing on his doorstep] Hi.

Dempsey:
[Dempsey pushes open the door] He sure is.

Robertsun:
What do you want?

Makepeace:
Oh, Dempsey, this is crazy, look at him: he's flying.

Dempsey:
Well he's about to land.

Spikings:
Come on you two, don't sit there all day. We've got a murder, two bank jobs, a jewel heist and a gang land war at the office. And it's still only Monday.

Dempsey:
[empties his coffee cup on the grass] The man is subhuman.

Makepeace:
Actually, he's very upset. [calling after Spikings] Now just a minute, sir!

Dempsey:
[adding his support] Yeah!

Makepeace:
[Spikings turns round] Dempsey and I are going to bed.

Dempsey:
Yeah?

Makepeace:
Separately.

Dempsey:
Was it something I said?

Dempsey:
I know what you're thinking, Harry.

Makepeace:
It's this plate glass forehead of mine.

Dempsey:
You may find this hard to believe, but I am actually on good terms with all my ex-girlfriends.

Makepeace:
All of them?

Dempsey:
Yep, all. But if I wasn't it wouldn't be my head they'd be trying to blow off.

Spikings:
This is not Dallas, this is dull old London, remember? We don't have many snipers here. A tower, a Queen and some warm beer, but not many snipers.

Dempsey:
Did you ever read F. Scott Fitzgerald?

Makepeace:
Yes.

Dempsey:
Well Zelda Fitzgerald, she used to say: she was never happy in a room that didn't have an open suitcase in it.

Makepeace:
She went nutty. That says something about you.

Dempsey:
Contrary to what you may believe, I am not the Romeo of the NYPD. Though I could tell you a few stories that would curl your hair.

Makepeace:
I've always wanted curly hair.

Dempsey:
Well then stick your finger in a wall socket, 'cause you ain't gettin' it from me.

Dempsey:
[sits down at caf? table] Hi, Cath, how you doin'?

Catherine Warren:
Fine. How about you?

Dempsey:
Well, you know how it is, life is hard...

Catherine Warren:
And then you die. [laughs]

Dempsey:
There was a young lady in my apartment?

Foley:
Yeah, she let me in. Well, she opened the door.

Dempsey:
Can you describe her?

Foley:
She... didn't have any clothes on.

Dempsey:
You mean she was in the buff?

Foley:
I couldn't say whether she was in the bath or not. But, eh...

Dempsey:
No, no, buff, naked.

Foley:
She had your robe on. You mean... you weren't there?

Dempsey:
Not only was I not there, I didn't know she was.

Dempsey:
[Dempsey is standing on Makepeace's doorstep in the middle of the night] I've come to take you away from all this. You ready?

Makepeace:
You? I thought it was just a bad dream I was having. [he steps inside and closes the door behind him] What are you doing here? And why are you dressed like a waiter?

Spikings:
Whatever he did was fast and clean and right under your nose, copper.

Dempsey:
What do you want me to do, resign? Confess? Okay, so I was playing cards and I left my X-ray vision at home. Sue me. I'm human. [takes a bite of toast]

Spikings:
We've only got your word for that Dempsey. Personaly, I have some doubts.

Dempsey:
Who knows with these upper class English, they got a warped sence of humor. I mean look at this one.

Makepeace:
I beg your pardon? A refugee from Batman and Robin telling me I've got a warped sence of humour?

Spikings:
Well what do you want, Chas? It it's blood, I haven't got any.

Annabel:
[about Jamie Bessel] Claire saw him with one of his tarts in Kensington a couple of weeks ago. Some dark haired page three sort of creature, so she said.

Dempsey:
What's page three? A one to ten scale?

Annabel:
Something like that. B*obs and bums for the popular press.

Makepeace:
Thank you very much, Annabel. Bye!

Dempsey:
[gets up] You, eh, you sure you don't want to leave him for me to browse through?

Dempsey:
She'd love to, but she can't put me down herself.

Dempsey:
You know something, Makepeace? Sometimes I'd like to tear those lips of yours right off your face.

Makepeace:
What?

Dempsey:
It might be the only way I'd get to kiss them.

Spikings:
[talking to Dempsey on the CB] Keep your bullets where they belong on this one, eh? Under your armpit.

Dempsey:
Life is hard and then you die.

Spikings:
[on phone] Listen, Hillary, you're talking silly money. For King Solomon's mines I want more than just a name. So screw your nut and come up with some details.

Dempsey:
[Dempsey appears to have shot Makepeace in the chest, runs over to her to remove her T-shirt laced with heroin] Hey, if you want an academy award, you should've landed on your back.

Makepeace:
Incidentally, how did daddy take the news of my death?

Spikings:
With a Havana in one hand...

Makepeace:
And a Scotch in the other.

Spikings:
Irish.

Makepeace:
Yes, I forgot, always Irish...

Makepeace:
[aiming her pistol and shouting] Police! On the floor, face down, spread your arms and legs.

Dempsey:
[turns around slowly] I love it when you talk to me like that.

Dempsey:
Makepeace, have you thought about a career in teaching? [Makepeace is too stunned to answer] Politics? The space programme. You know they're sending women to the moon these days.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[sits down to type a report] Okay, so, what are we gonna say?

Lt. James Dempsey:
One dark and stormy night...

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Idiot.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Oh, you do it. [pulls paper out of the typewriter] You type faster than me anyway.

Lt. James Dempsey:
A canary types faster than you do.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[on phone] Tufty, Gordon... [turns away from Dempsey and Makepeace] Mad Gordon.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
So, who told you not to shout?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Oh, local quack. Told me to relax.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Stephen Albert Knee

Lt. James Dempsey:
Knee?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
As in 'Bury my heart at Wounded'.

Lt. James Dempsey:
What are you talking about?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
It was a movie.

Lt. James Dempsey:
I never saw it. Was he in it?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
The only thing he's been in is prison. A burglary and accessory to armed robbery. A series actually, very heavy. And as Mad Gordon would say with much claret.

Lt. James Dempsey:
What is this claret stuff?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Blood. Claret as in gore.

Det. Con. MacPherson:
[Dempsey is posing as a hotdog seller] Hey dude, lay some gunge on me.

Lt. James Dempsey:
How bout I lay your head open instead?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Dempsey, D.C. Macpherson from drugs.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[taking CB from Chas] Goldfish Niner, this is Big Daddy speaking. Your notes don't make sense.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[on walky talky] They do to me, Big Daddy.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Prey, who is Ostrich One?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Nobody yet, it's a codename. I think it's the guy behind the nine heists. I haven't got a positive ID on him yet. But we're looking for a diamond group with large overseas connections.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Speak plain English, Goldfish.

Julia Powell:
Come on daddy, get me to the church on time. [to her mother] What is it?

Miriam Powell:
Business dear, he's got a big business problem.

Sam Powell:
[glancing at his pocket watch] Not a problem any more, my darlings. right now, It's being dealt with.

White Kid:
Who the hell are you?

Lt. James Dempsey:
The Lone Ranger. [holds up his jacket to show his holster]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[the two small time crooks drive off in their buggy] Bye!

Lt. James Dempsey:
Nice work, Tonto.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
How does decoy sound to you?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Yeah, like the short straw?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
I'll do it.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[stops her] It's my favorite.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[visiting Makepeace in a hospital] Got ya where I want ya at last.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
I've got bruises, Dempsey, not brain damage.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
So why don't we storm in there, Dempsey, break in the window and wipe them out?

Lt. James Dempsey:
That's not a bad idea.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Thought you might say that.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Only I got a better one. Cover me. [hands her his gun and makes for the bank]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[shouting after him] Dempsey, I'm not going to your funeral. On principle!

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
You have 15 minutes to get those animals... dead or alive, I don't care.

Levey:
[shouting to one of his hostages] Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out!

James Martin:
It's her heart. Can't you see she's seriously ill?

Levey:
Seriously? You'll be seriously dead, Rockefeller

Rawlings:
How much further, Ramsey?

Ramsey:
It's about 20 minutes.

Rawlings:
Well where are we gonna go?

Ramsey:
Spain. There's no expedition with Spain.

Rawlings:
No, my auntie Doris has been to Spain once, she didn't like the food.

Ramsey:
You're auntie Doris never had plenty of this wrapped round her. [holds up a wad of money]

Lt. James Dempsey:
[Makepeace is about to shoot a bow from it's arrow] I guess that does wonders for your chest, huh? [startled, Makepeace lets go and the arrow hits the top of her target] It sure looks like it... [She turns around with an angry look to see Dempsey brandishing a banana] Hey, you hit it! What do you get, a cupie doll or something? [takes a bite from his banana]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
No, I get a gorilla from America.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Will you please tell me what you're doing here?

Lt. James Dempsey:
We got business, honey. The crap has hit the fan at Agincourt. Spikings the Fifth hath me at thee and thy funny bow and arrow. And for sooth has send me to fetch thee and bring thee and spot like now.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Will you stop torturing the language and tell me what you're trying to say?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Okay. A hijacked truck, murder with a 38 and the chief's gone crazy 'cause you ain't around on your day off, which is no longer your day off. So, are you coming?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[manages a sarcastic smile] Of course. Since you put it so well.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Ah, Makepeace. Welcome back to the 20th Century. No bows and arrows in this one, I'm afraid, just big nasty bullets.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Look. We got drugs here, we got... rock 'n roll here. There's only one thing missing with us.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Oh really, what's that?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Sex!

Gerry:
Kristy, that was absolutely divine, darling. Sounded like your lunch was coming up.

Kristy:
What?

Gerry:
Listen, take a ten minute break and we'll see if there's anything there we can salvage.

Kristy:
[gets up] Yeah, alright, I'll see if I can learn the words.

Gerry:
Oh, this one's got words, does it? [Kristy gives him the finger]

Kristy:
You don't look American. It's just your accent.

Lt. James Dempsey:
I don't, huh? My old man was Irish, my mother was Italian. That ought to make me American.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[sighs] I didn't ask for you, Dempsey. And I'm certainly not going to jeopardize my career for you, do you understand me? Just stay in line, will you?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Okay, Commissioner. [straightens her bowtie] I'm sorry. You wanna hear about my lead now?

Lt. James Dempsey:
So you got some legwork to do. How are your legs?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[rolls her eyes] Our friend Piglet's a self confessed pothead isn't he? Who also works for the studio. Lets ask him.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Hey, why didn't I think of that? And I'm supposed to be the brains of this outfit.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
No, I'm the brains actually, you're the mouth.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
I have a feeling you might be somewhat familiar with this. [hands him a sheet of wrapping paper]

Lt. James Dempsey:
Oh yeah? It's cartridge paper. [smells his fingers] Gun oil.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Thought you'd recognize it.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Hey, you make it sound like I use it as an aftershave.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Black September? What is that, an English weather report?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
It's a terrorist organisation financed by drug running.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[driving up to a shootout in progress] Are we in Wandsworth or Chicago?

Lt. James Dempsey:
You know Makepeace, you're a lousy cop. And you're a worse driver.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
If there's any shortcoming in my ability to do my job, it's because I have to be shackled to you while I'm doing it.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Shackled to me, huh? That's not a bad idea. Would that be day and night?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Heaven forbid.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
What in hell do you call this, Dempsey? Don't you know where you are yet? This is Wandsworth, not Chicago!

Lt. James Dempsey:
Hey! You can't blame me for this, I wasn't driving. [realizes he's carrying two guns, hides them under his armpits]

Makepeace:
So, she was doing the ironing.

Dempsey:
So?

Makepeace:
There isn't a washing machine in the flat.

Dempsey:
So?

Makepeace:
So, where did she do her laundry?

[simultaneously with Dempsey]

Makepeace:
They met in a launderette

Dempsey:
[simultaneously with Makepeace] They met in a laundromat. And then he followed her home!

Terry:
You'd killed the others by now.

Swabey:
Who says so?

Terry:
I read it in the paper.

Swabey:
Why were you interested?

Terry:
We used to talk about it at work.

Dempsey:
[exhausted from running] I've been around the park five times. I should have been a wino instead of a jogger. There's nobody but that guy in the grey leather jacket.

Swabey:
[calling a public telephone] I'm disappointed in you

Makepeace:
Why? Why are you disappointed in me? Tell me.

Swabey:
I thought I could trust you.

Makepeace:
In what way?

Swabey:
To come here alone.

Makepeace:
I am alone.

Swabey:
[scoffs] Your colleague under the Elm tree. Your other two friends in the Granada.

Makepeace:
[speaking on the radio] If you are a woman between the age of 18 and 35, and brunette, please listen carefully. Your response may save another life. We believe that the man known as the Thriller Killer is murdering women as part of a vendetta against someone that he is close to or has been close to in the past. You may be that woman. Please listen to this recording of his voice.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Everybody should read the New York Times.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
But as you're living in London, I really think you ought to read an Evening Standard occasionally.

Lt. James Dempsey:
The Evening Standard is not a paper, it's a postage stamp.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Well if you want something big enough to sleep under, at least buy the London Times.

Lt. James Dempsey:
I'll tell you what, I'll get two copies, and we can head for the park, huh? [wraps his American newspaper around Makepeace]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Eh, she lived alone, chief. Worked for a small agency.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
I'm not a red Indian, Makepeace, I'm a detective superintendent. If you want to call me anything, call me 'sir'. Still picking up bad habits? [indicating Dempsey]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Still trying not to, sir.

Photographer:
Look, if you had to listen to half the crap some of these chicks come out with, you'd be foaming at the mouth within a week.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[Dempsey is taking photographs of a model on a motorcycle] Yeah, life is hard, then you die.

Photographer:
Pardon?

Lt. James Dempsey:
[having been dropped off by Makepeace in the middle of Albert bridge] You're all heart, Harry. It's made of steal.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
So, I've been checking the address book that Chas found at her flat.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
You're not going to tell me she had the whole Tory party down in alphabetical order, are you? 'Cause if you do, I shall start laughing. I shall go: Ho. Ho. Ho.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
And by the way, where is Starsky or Butch or whatever he calls himself?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
I dropped him on Albert Bridge. he wanted to do some legwork. [winks]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[Dempsey and Makepeace enter a ransacked house] Hm. Looks just like your place.

Lt. James Dempsey:
After the maid came.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[about Spikings] Betya that guy plays a mean game of poker.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[waiting for Davis to make a move] How do you feel about traffic duty right now?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Yeah, the hours are good.

Lt. James Dempsey:
I like the little white gloves.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[interrupting Dempsey during one of his rants] Can I have your hat?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[picks up the phone] Commissioner? They've done it again. Petrol station this time. But we may have got them. Someone spotted the getaway van. Commissioner, I don't care what squad they're from - Special, Diplomatic or Obscene Publications. If this tip-off is right we would seem to have cornered a whole bloody military platoon. And all I've got on the spot is a crazy Yank who thinks he's Clint Eastwood and my only intelligent detective. *She* I don't want to lose.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Here's you lookin' after me, kid. [moves off]

Lt. James Dempsey:
There's no need to be ashamed, you froze.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Ah, I froze, did I?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Like an iceberg.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
I'll show you an iceberg. [walks off]

Lt. James Dempsey:
This is ridiculous.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
What's ridiculous?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Cruising around in a black neighborhood pretending not to be noticed. They can smell that we're cops. [kicks a can across the street]

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Wouldn't be a problem if you'd listened to my idea.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Oh, which one was that? The one about disguising ourselves as uniformed policemen?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Well, if we were in uniform they wouldn't know we were undercover, would they?

Lt. James Dempsey:
You know what? If you were only dumb and a real blond, you'd be a real dumb blonde.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
We don't like cowboys in this force, leftennant.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[after bringing in Reuben Osuna on a horse, Dempsey hands in his badge] I quit.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Why?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Because I've had it. With Tinkerbell. I've had it. Up to here.

Stavros:
Hey, what's going on?

Dempsey:
[shouting] Is this a chicken take-away? We're taking away you're chicken!

Wee Jock:
You are only breathin', mister, 'cause she's here.

Dempsey:
[moves closer to Makepeace] Don't leave me.

Makepeace:
Shut up, Dempsey.

Dempsey:
I will when I see some sense in your eyes. You're brian's falling out over some punk kid, who got beat up.

Makepeace:
[shouting] He's not some punk kid!

Dempsey:
Oh, then what is he? Are you emotionally involved with him?

Makepeace:
I'm not emotionally involved!

Dempsey:
Then what? Tell me!

Makepeace:
He is a human being!

Dempsey:
Well what was Sims, a chicken? Huh? I didn't see you grab for the pasta when he got shot.

Makepeace:
[mixing a drink] Have you ever had a Tequila Sunrise before?

Dempsey:
I think so.

Makepeace:
Well this is a Tequila Sunset.

Dempsey:
Why is that?

Makepeace:
I made a mistake. I put the grenadine in first.

Chas:
Harry, did you get a copy? Ballistics on the Mr. Chicken bullet.

Dempsey:
Baby, believe me: even if you'd been comatose, labotomized, anesthetized and deep frozen, if I had, you would have remembered.

Makepeace:
How did I get to bed?

Dempsey:
Well you didn't look too comfortable lying there in the hallway.

Makepeace:
Oh my God... [a beat] Tell me something... how did I get into my pajamas?

Dempsey:
You don't remember? [short pause] You put them on to go outside to say goodnight to your car.

Chas:
[about Dempsey] He can't stop talking about this Lymon character. He expects everyone in the building to be on this case. Like nothing else matters.

Spikings:
And you think it might affect his judgement.

Chas:
I think he may have a personal involvement. I don't know what or why. It could be dangerous.

Spikings:
For him?

Chas:
For everyone.

Keith Lymon:
I ain't running from no yank.

Rose:
This yanks got to you...

Keith Lymon:
No he aint, nobody gets to me.

Makepeace:
So, what's bothering you?

Dempsey:
The weather. I don't know how you put up with it. Makes me think of New York. Maybe I'm homesick.

Makepeace:
No, but what's really bothering you?

Makepeace:
[Dempsey is reviewing video footage of Lymon for the upteenth time] You know something? He reminds me of you.

Dempsey:
It's not Lyman.

Makepeace:
He threw your operation, he killed Miller, he gave you the slip not once but twice and he's always a step ahead of you.

Dempsey:
So is my shadow.

Makepeace:
And you can't catch that, either.

Dempsey:
Maybe he's the bogeyman.

Makepeace:
Maybe he's what you would have been if you weren't a cop.

Dempsey:
Piece o' gum?

Keith Lymon:
[slowly removes a piece from the package] I'll get out. And I'll have you.

Masked Man:
Dempsey... remember Joey? [points gun at Dempsey's head] This is from Coltrane...

Dempsey:
[reading his own obituary in the paper] Hey Chas, every time I read this, it makes me want to cry.

Chas:
[pouring himself a cup of coffee] Yeah, and if you only saved one dog from drowning, we may have gotten you a posthumos M.B.E.

Dempsey:
I saved a dog, no he died.

Dempsey:
[playing a game of pool while posing as Johnny Lupino] Hey you know, the trouble with you limeys is that either these balls or too big or your pockets are too small.

Butch:
[holds an icecream cone under her nose] Wanna lick?

Makepeace:
No thanks.

Dempsey:
You gotta think broadminded.

Butch:
Broadminded...

Dempsey:
That's right, using your mind to get broads.

Dempsey:
[Dempsey has broken into Makepeace's bedroom at night] You were dreaming about me, right?

Makepeace:
I have nightmares about you when I'm awake, why would I need to dream about you when I'm asleep

Dempsey:
You mind if I help myself to a beer?

Makepeace:
Why should I mind? You've broken in here so many times now I might as well just give you a set of keys.

Dempsey:
All the time Joey'd been leading me false leads that he'd been fed. 'Couse all the years I was looking for the man, the man had allready gotten to my partner.

Dempsey:
How long have you been driving?

Butch:
Since I was a kid. Only, eh...

Dempsey:
Only what?

Butch:
Only I lost my license a couple of years ago.

Dempsey:
Did ya kill anybody

Butch:
No.

Dempsey:
Then drive.

Dempsey:
Listen, this was your idea, you suggested this.

Makepeace:
Well you didn't have to have a bloody love affair.

Dempsey:
Who says I'm having a love affair? If she's having one with me that don't mean I'm having one with her.

Spikings:
I've got a bad feeling, Chas...

Chas:
Me too, Gov.

Dempsey:
[posing as Johnny Lupino] Working for dames, dealing with dames, it's like broads is taking over the whole damn world.

Mara Giardino:
How do you know Lupino?

Makepeace:
Oh, it's a game we have in England.

Mara Giardino:
What game?

Makepeace:
Cops and robbers. We've played together before.

Mara Giardino:
Don't get smart.

Coltrane:
[Coltrane is out of bullets] The first degree, Dempsey!

Dempsey:
[still pointing his loaded gun at Coltrane] Who's Dempsey?

Makepeace:
I care about you Dempsey, but if you fire that gun I swear I'll shoot you.

Chas:
[about Dempsey] Nothing to stop him going back to the States now, Gov.

Spikings:
[glancing at Makepeace] I wouldn't bet on that.

Dempsey:
You said you cared about me.

Makepeace:
What I said was I would shoot you.

Dempsey:
No, I distinctly remember hearing words to the effect that you cared about me.

Makepeace:
Well I had to say something to stop you.

Mara Giardino:
[being taken away by the police] Just remember, I come from a large family, and we've got a lot of friends.

Dempsey:
Good, they can visit you on Wednesdays.

Mara Giardino:
And they can visit you any time.

Dempsey:
Great. Save me hunting 'em down.

Mara Giardino:
Goodbye Johnny, You're gonna need a lot of luck.

Dempsey:
I already got it. It's got blond hair, blue eyes, packs a 38 and it's on my side.

Lt. James Dempsey:
You ever been to South America, Fry?

D.C. Fry:
No.

Lt. James Dempsey:
They got enchiladas there to blow your brains over the Andes.

Lt. James Dempsey:
[about Spikings] Yeah, but as far as I know he's never bitten anyone.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Doesn't need to.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Nah, his bark is lethal.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[picks up phone] Who's that?

Simone:
[on phone in bar] Hi, I wanna speak to Dempsey.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
He's not here. Who is this?

Simone:
This is a surprise... When will he be back?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
Too soon for me, and by the sound of it not soon enough for you.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
So eh, how come she could find you when the whole of the New York Police Department don't know where you are?

Lt. James Dempsey:
Same as anybody finds anybody: she called my mother.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Where are your friends, Amigo?

Drugs Dealer:
No s? nada.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Donde esta sus amigos, or I'll... [holds up his bandaged hand, changes his mind then holds up the other one] I'll break your face!

Lt. James Dempsey:
We're looking for a male caucasian, average hight, average built.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
That covers about 60 villains in our precinct.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
[takes offence to her choice of words] Precinct?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
I thought I'd make him feel at home.

Lt. James Dempsey:
There's something's wrong, I can smell it.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Hm, well, while you smell it, I'm going to shower and change my clothes.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Yeah, don't forget to shave.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
[about Tiffany] We're extremely old friends.

Lt. James Dempsey:
So how come nothin' rubbed off on, then?

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace:
Who do you think taught her everything she knows?

Lt. James Dempsey:
So what am I supposed to do, just 'cause I'm another American, I can wonder out into the street and I'll be able to find Joey 'the Mouse' Dalaney? Huh, pick him out in a crowd?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings:
That's about the height and weight of it.

Lt. James Dempsey:
Now my Zen master told me it's remarkably difficult to pick up your teeth with two broken arms.

Dempsey:
Ever hear of Jack Dempsey?

Horse Johnson:
'Course I have.

Dempsey:
I wanna show you something. [hands him an old newspaper clipping]

Horse Johnson:
Who's the other bloke?

Dempsey:
Mike Dempsey. My grandfather.

Horse Johnson:
Were you related?

Dempsey:
Yeah... I was his grandson.

Horse Johnson:
What, to Jack?

Dempsey:
No, to Mike. [hands back the clipping] It's a coincidence. See, they, they're sparring partners.

Horse Johnson:
Mike did win the golden gloves, though. I never used them. [puts up his dukes]

Horse Johnson:
That must be something, fighting with your bare hands.

Dempsey:
Yeah, I quite enjoyed it.

Spikings:
There are hundreds of cars stolen every day.

Mrs. Spikings:
Yes. Maybe, but would you mind doing something about getting this one back?

Spikings:
This is not the stolen car department.

Mrs. Spikings:
I know that, Gordon, but it is my car we're talking about.

Spikings:
[agrivated] Then why don't you try contacting your local police station?

Mrs. Spikings:
Gordon, I normally change cars every summer. But I didn't change this car last year because I'm particularly fond of it.

Spikings:
[raises his voice] I have four un- [notices Makepeace standing in the doorway]

Makepeace:
Excuse me. [closes the door after her]

Dempsey:
[Dempsey and Makepeace have been posing as an American couple] And don't drop the American accent.

Makepeace:
Why not, there's no one around?

Makepeace:
I know, but I think it's sexy.

Spikings:
You know a villain's weak points? Greed and careless talk. There's not one villain can resist talking about his exploits.

Olaf Schram:
So you like a good fight?

Dempsey:
Sure do.

Jerry Curtis:
Because we can give you the chance of seeing one really close.

Dempsey:
Really?

Makepeace:
How close?

Jerry Curtis:
Oh he goes down to two.

Dempsey:
Oh no way... no way, I am a spectator only, I do not fight, I will not fight.

Jerry Curtis:
Mountaintop won't hurt you.

Olaf Schram:
He'll hold you up in the first round.

Jerry Curtis:
So either you go down...

Olaf Schram:
For real...

Jerry Curtis:
Or Mountaintop will make you go down for real.

Spikings:
[walking towards his office, followed by Makepeace] I know what you are going to say and the answer is no. You were going to ask in you impeccable Bedale's English weather I would reconsider pairing you with that Yanky Doodle Dandy.

Makepeace:
Look, sir, I can't work with that man...

Spikings:
Harry, I don't want Dempsey in my firm. My Gov'nor don't want him either, But the home office have different ideas. [quietly] And between you and me, who else would I pair him with? That bunch of animals out there? He wouldn't stand much of a chance with them, would he?

Spikings:
[about Dempsey] Besides, he's only with us for 12 months. Lie back and enjoy it. Think of England.

Dempsey:
[to Makepeace] Here's what I propose: I'm prepared to overlook your shortcomings if you're willing to eh, ignore my sometimes brash behavior and, eh, my annoying little habit of always being right.

Spikings:
Oh, by the way, Dempsey... [Dempsey turns round in the dooropening] May I? [holds out his hand]

Dempsey:
May you what?

Spikings:
May I have that piece of artillery that's solely dislocating your left shoulder? [Dempsey hesitates] It's not necessary, it's against the law and it'll ruin the cut of your jacket.

Spikings:
Dempsey, when the prime minister and the home secretary instructed me to set up this special unit to combat major crime, I did not expect to be wet nursing ex vietnam soldiers touting bazooka's.

Dempsey:
I want some information. [pushes Terry against a cupboard] And I want it fast, or I'll hit you so hard you'll be wearing your ass for a hat.

Spikings:
[on phone in office] By the way, how is the great American disaster?

Makepeace:
[on other line] A long way up my nose.

Dempsey:
You know, sometimes, you seem quite bright.

Makepeace:
Is that a compliment?

Dempsey:
Not yet.

Marocco Jack:
Tell you what, why don't we all go down to the Angel, for food. [grabs his coat]

Mickey the Shiv:
Jack, there is a contract out on you...

Marocco Jack:
So what? When they hear Debby Smith's with me, they won't come near me [puts his arm around Makepeace, aka 'Debby Smith']

Marocco Jack:
You can't be a cop.

Makepeace:
[claiming to be Debby Smith] Why?

Marocco Jack:
Because even a rookie wouldn't come up with a lie that dreadful.

Mickey the Shiv:
You wanna watch this bloke, Debby, he's a mean driver, we all know what that means.

Makepeace:
[claiming to be Debby Smith] No, Mickey, what does it mean?

Mickey the Shiv:
Well, you know, that a bloke treats his woman the way he treats his cars.

Makepeace:
Is that right, Mr. Sappaluccio?

Dempsey:
[claiming to be Andy Sallapuccio] Sallapuccio. I don't think so. I never had a car that gives me as bad a tune as some of the women I know.

Makepeace:
[calling after Jack as he's taken away by the police] Don't worry, I know a good lawyer

Marocco Jack:
[looks over his shoulder] You're a smasher, Debby!

Makepeace:
It's Harry, actually.

Marocco Jack:
Yeah? Well good luck to the two of ya!