Destry

[Destry has blundered into a crossfire and been severely wounded]

Jenny Jellico:
Sure is bleedin'. Reckon we can save him?

Jethro Jellico:
Worth tryin'. Can't rightly bury him in the family plot till we know his name.

Harrison Destry:
I think you oughta marry Jenny Jellico - tonight.

Morgan Motley:
Oh, I'd love to marry Jenny. Aww, it's a terrible, dangerous thing to do.

Harrison Destry:
Seems to me you're forgetting the biggest danger of all.

Morgan Motley:
What's that?

[Destry points his gun at Morgan]

Morgan Motley:
I reckon you got a point there. All right, take me to the weddin'.

[last lines]

Doc Finley:
Well, folks, we just gotta knuckle down and make the best out of a bad situation.

[Destry rides uup]

Doc Finley:
Well, Destry, you saved your own hide, but you sure put a lot of people out of work. You're not very popular around here.

Harrison Destry:
Well, if it comes to a choice, I'd rather be alive than popular, thank you.

Doc Finley:
Well, it's easy enough for you, you can ride on... but what about the rest of us now that the feud's over. The carpenter and the tailor and the store owner are all gonna be poor on account of you. Their families are all gonna go hungry.

Harrison Destry:
Oh, I don't know. I hear the Motley's gotta lot of menfolk. The Jellicos got women.

Doc Finley:
So?

Harrison Destry:
Sooo, I figure a man who can sew a buryin' outfit ought to be able to make a weddin' suit. Fellow who can build a coffin oughta be able to do a cradle.

Doc Finley:
And I suppose a man who can sell bullets can see diapers. And I guess I could...

[Doc holds up his medical bag]

Harrison Destry:
There's your answer folks. You just gotta convert to a peacetime economy.

[first lines]

Harrison Destry:
For some time now I've been ridin' all over the frontier and huntin' for the man who framed me and sent me to prison. I've never run across him - yet - but I've met all kinds of outstanding American citizens... professional men like the James boys, Jesse and Frank, who had so much to do with the establishment of the sound financial system of the American West... mainly by making banks buy bigger and stronger safes. The Dalton boys, the Younger brothers and the Reno brothers - they understood that the secret of a thriving economy was to keep a lot of money in circulation. 'Course, it happened to be other people's money, but it's the principle that counts. But the Flanzig brothers, Hoge and Jude, were just about the meanest, nastiest, most bloodthirsty ruthless killers who ever lived. The nicest thing I ever heard said about 'em was that they shot a man through the heart, which killed him quick. I don't have anything to do with people like that, of course. That's because I've always managed to keep away from violence. Just ask anybody.

[scene cuts to a barroom brawl]

Harrison Destry:
Well, I think I'll wander over to Whit's saloon and see if there's any trouble.

Joe Finster:
You won't find any trouble over there.

Harrison Destry:
Maybe that's because I haven't got there yet.

Joe Finster:
You like the people here?

Harrison Destry:
Sure.

Joe Finster:
You like this town.

Harrison Destry:
Sure, but I ain't fixin' to die for it.

Joe Finster:
Nobody wants to die - that's why we need you, son. We need you to help us fight the Flanzigs.

Harrison Destry:
Well, you're not going to get me.

Joe Finster:
Your father never would have talked like that.

Harrison Destry:
My father got shot 37 times in his life, the last seven of which was all at once and killed him. Now I got the way I'm going to die all planned - in an old folks home.

Joe Finster:
Your father died with his boots on.

Harrison Destry:
It's better to live with your boots on!

Joe Finster:
I just want you to know I'm doing this under duress.

Harrison Destry:
I hate to hear you talk like that.

Joe Finster:
I've got a deep rooted belief in caution, the avoidance of danger and the pursuit of peace - and I've got the courage of my convictions.

Harrison Destry:
Yes, I mean run! It's the only intelligent thing left to do and we'd better hurry.

Joe Finster:
No. I'm stayin'.

Harrison Destry:
It's no time for jokin'!

Joe Finster:
I ain't jokin', Destry.

Harrison Destry:
I know how you feel, Joe, but you remember what happened to Horatio at the bridge and the Spartans at Thermopylae and those fellows in the Charge of the Light Brigade? They were heroes... and they got killed. Now face the truth - the only reasonable thing to do is get out of here.

Joe Finster:
You're right. You can have my bay down at the stable at the corner and you'd better hurry.

Harrison Destry:
Joe, for the last time, will you please come with me?

Joe Finster:
This is my town. I've done everything I can for it - except one.

[Destry hands Joe his deputy's badge]

Harrison Destry:
Joe, I resign for reasons of health - I want to keep mine.

[Jake, the undertaker, brandishes his gun]

Jake Weatherby:
I could only find two bullets for this rifle at the last minute, but I'll try for two customers with it.

Harrison Destry:
Slater, he's unarmed.

Ace Slater:
So much the worse for him.

Harrison Destry:
But I'm not.

Ace Slater:
You wanna draw on me, Destry?

Harrison Destry:
I already have. I've got it pointed at that shiny belt buckle of yours. I wonder how it will look with a hole in it.

Clarence Jones:
I'm not easy to shoot as I may look.

Ace Slater:
Sooner or later I'm gonna find out! Do you think you can outdraw me, farmer?

Clarence Jones:
Not likely. Do you think you can out kick me?

[Clarence trips Slater and kicks the gun from his hand]

[first lines]

Harrison Destry:
[narrating] One of the best ways to make a livin' along the frontier was to be a photographer. Sometimes it seems like almost everyone is getting his picture taken.

[the camera pulls back from the photograph on the screen to reveal a wanted poster]

Harrison Destry:
One of the prices of success in business, I guess - like Black Bart, for instance. He was a graduate road agent... a very respected citizen. That is, he was respected by his brother road agents. He was sort of looked down on by his customers.

[first time]

Harrison Destry:
Pretty hard to talk about the West without talkin' about Indians. They were part of it. Sometimes the most important part. Now, I don't hold with the argument that the only good Indian is a dead Indian - on the other hand I never went along with the bleeding hearts who thought that an Indian was a saint just because he didn't know any better. Of course, civilization did affect the Indians some. Some of them settled down on reservations or missions and turned out right peaceful and friendly, but some of them, especially the Comanches, stuck to their quaint, unspoiled, natural way of life. The Commanches were just about the nastiest critters in the Southwest. In time, I not only grew to respect 'em; I learned to downright dislike 'em.

[Destry tries to raise money to get into a poker game]

Harrison Destry:
How much will you give me for the horse?

Henderson:
Sympathy.

Harrison Destry:
You know that river about 18 miles south of town?

Reverend Mr. Foote:
I know the place.

Harrison Destry:
Well, there's a wagon load of bibles down there. Thought you might like to have em.

Reverend Mr. Foote:
Why, thank you!

Harrison Destry:
They're in Comanche territory.

Reverend Mr. Foote:
Ohh. Well, I fear her father was not a very practical man.

Harrison Destry:
We could with more impracticable men like that, Reverend. Wouldn't hurt any at all.

Harrison Destry:
Sheriff, what is that makes you so distrustful of human nature?

Sheriff Connel:
Human nature.

Red Brady:
Look, Destry, I tried. All I got for my trouble was crop failure and sickness. Then when Nell died... How long is a man supposed to try?

Harrison Destry:
A lot of people with less sense than you, Red, try all their lives.

Red Brady:
All right, you went straight. How much do you have to show for it?

Harrison Destry:
Not much. And if you measure it that way, I don't guess I can argue.

[the Kansas Kid is teaching Red's teenage son to shoot]

Harrison Destry:
Tin cans today, people tomorrow - but, then, I guess you thought all that out.

[discussing the Kansas Kid, the last surviving member of Butch Jenkins' gang]

Toby Brady:
All those things he said - he just made them up! He ain't nothin' but a liar.

Harrison Destry:
That's right, Toby - a liar and a coward. You scratch any outlaw deep enough, that's what you'll find.

[first lines]

Harrison Destry:
Banking was a big business in the Old West and - after the saloon, of course - a bank was usually one of the first things built when a new town was started up... especially in those new cow towns that sprang up at the end of the cattle trails. When one of those big herds was delivered, a lot of money changed hands. Some made a career of working in quite a few different banks in different parts of the country. In most of these cases the law took an interest in their little game and generally wound up with a full house. Me? I never indulged in banking. As a matter of fact, the money I usually have wasn't enough to be of interest to a banker and I sure didn't want to get mixed up on the wrong side of the law. That happened to me once, through no fault of my own and since then I've made a full time career of stayin' away from places where there's any sort of trouble.

[cut to scene of a destructive barroom brawl]

[first lines]

Harrison Destry:
In the West I know, a man could get hurt in a lot of ways - trampled, shot, hung, busted up, starved, died of thirst, surprised by Indians - a lot of dangers. The most dangerous of all... well, let me put it this way. I knew a fellow once; he was the fasted gun in the West; threw the strongest punch in the West; had the richest gold claim in the West... he also had the softest head in the West. Didn't know real danger when he saw it. Real danger, my friend, is a woman.

Bessie Hawkins:
If they hurt her, I'll kill them!

Harrison Destry:
She'll be all right. Remember what I told you.

Bessie Hawkins:
I can handle a dozen Sam Benders. What about you? Travers hates you.

Harrison Destry:
Well, if nothing else, that speaks highly of my character.

[takes Stormy's deck of cards]

Harrison Destry:
Stormy, you won't need these in Boston. Besides, it isn't ladylike to play blackjack.

Stormy:
Destry, you're a no good back-stabbin', sneak thief who ain't got no manners whatsoever.

Harrison Destry:
Uh-huh.

Archibald Tuttle:
Who *hasn't* got *any* manners whatsoever, sweetie.

Stormy:
How do you like that? I'm not even out of town yet and he's already tryin' to make a girl out of me.

[first lines]

Harrison Destry:
[narrating] The poet says "Love makes the world go 'round." That may not technically be accurate, but love makes the world a more interesting place while its spinning. Now, love's a lot of things: flowers, sweet music, and soft lights and champagne. Champagne is the drink of lovers; only problem is champagne is tricky. You never know how it's going to affect ya. Like my friend Pete Daley - when he drank champagne, well, he forgot things. And when he forgot things, it caused trouble... and trouble is something that flat follows me around.

Pete Daley:
Destry, you gotta protect me.

Harrison Destry:
From what?

Pete Daley:
Will ya?

Harrison Destry:
Well now, Pete, if I were in your place, I'm not the exactly the kind of fella I'd want protectin' me.

Pete Daley:
Don't forget, Destry, we've been friends for years.

Harrison Destry:
All right, Pete, all right - but protect you from what?

Harrison Destry:
From J.P. Crane.

Harrison Destry:
What's dangerous about him?

Pete Daley:
She's a girl. She wants to marry me.

Harrison Destry:
Well, just tell her, "No thanks."

Pete Daley:
But I got another dreadful problem.

Harrison Destry:
What's that, Pete?

Pete Daley:
I love her.

[Destry is confronted by a man whom his father put in prison]

Al:
Your pa was a mighty tough lawman.

Harrison Destry:
Well, actually, I kinda take after my mother.

Harrison Destry:
Stop shootin'! You fellas are interruptin' a weddin'!

Al:
He ain't gonna cheat us!

Joe:
A deal's a deal!

Al:
If he gets married, he owes us four halves of a hundred dollar bill!

Harrison Destry:
You fellas tellin' the truth?

Al:
We got the torn-in-half bills to prove it.

Pete Daley:
You couldn't or I'd have the other halves!

Harrison Destry:
I got it, Pete. Remember that night you couldn't remember? You probably snuck out on me and did somethin' stupid.

[to the four ex-convicts]

Harrison Destry:
See if your bills match up! I bet Pete tore up two one-hundred dollar bills and split 'em among ya.

Pete Daley:
Destry, I wouldn't do anything that dumb.

Harrison Destry:
You're gettin' married aren't ya?

[last lines]

Joe:
Do you always bawl at weddin's?

Al:
I can't help it. I feel so sorry for him.

[first lines]

Harrison Destry:
[narrating] There's a lot of magic in the word "gold". Men who had never done a day of work in their life would break their backs for it... even die for it. A lot of them did. Then, when the excitement was all over, you sometimes wondered if it had been worth it. 'Course, you couldn't really blame the gold - just depended on how a man handled it. Me? I'd like enough to spend and not enough to get me in trouble, because trouble's a thing I try to stay away from. My name's Destry. I like peace and quiet - providing it's of my own choosing. I spent some time in Texas State Prison, but that's not the kind of peace and quiet I'm talking about. A matter of fact, I've been spending a lot of time looking for the fellow who framed me and got me into that mess.

Harrison Destry:
[narrating] I hadn't really thought of it before, but gold had something to do with that, too. I was accused of stealing some, which I didn't, but I couldn't make the judge see it my way. Since then what little gold I come by, I still come by honest, but some people don't draw that fine a line. Reminds me of a girl I met a few years back. She liked gold, too. She figured out her own ways to go about getting' it. Only trouble was, most folks in that town didn't like her ways.

[during a shoot-out, Destry and a saloon-girl take refuge behind a piano which is peppered with bullets]

Harrison Destry:
It's all right, honey, as long as they stay in the higher octaves.

Harrison Destry:
Spink, I'm forming a committee.

Spink:
A committee?

Harrison Destry:
A committee to advise me. I mean, somebody who might not be, you know, personally eligible to win the prize.

Jewel Scrogg:
Careful now, love.

Harrison Destry:
Well now, look, I don't know anybody in this town and you two know everyone. Tell you what we do. Besides you got that broad experience of human nature. Look, we make lists, put everybody's name down who's eligible, go through and discuss 'em one by one. Then next Sunday, we'll have a grand final public award ceremoney - so nobody can jump me without witnesses - and you two can sit on the platform with badges on.

Spink:
Well, but don't you think we ought to have a three-man committee... sort of spread out the risk a little?

Jewel Scrogg:
Oh, don't be silly, Spink. Who else in town is willing to admit they aren't the most deservin'?

Harrison Destry:
Thank you for that warm reception. Well, folks, when old John Beasley named me to pick out the most deservin' person in Gomorrah, I knew that you would want me to do a good and thorough, fair and square job, without fear and favor or prejudice. Well, ever since then, I've been meeting almost constantly with my advisory committee. Also, in my spare time, I've been threatened, chased up and down alleyways and dark streets, clouted on the head, dropped down a well... Well, I mean, it's about gotten to the point where I think the most deserving person in Gomorrah... is me.

[the citizens of Gomorrah react angrily]

Harrison Destry:
Just a little joke, folks, just a little joke. Want to keep everybody cheerful.

[speaking at John Beasley's grave]

Harrison Destry:
Well, John, it was a good idea, but I'm afraid it didn't turn out. Gold doesn't necessarily bring out the best in folks. Well, let's see, we lost Sarah Sprague and we gained Ed Bender, so I guess we turned out about even. But, John, if you find any gold down there, you hold on to it, will you? I don't think Gomorrah's ready for any more civic virture.

[last lines]

[still speaking beside John Beasley's grave]

Harrison Destry:
Oh, and thanks for the spoon. It'll come in handy some day if I can ever afford some beans.

[first lines of series]

Harrison Destry:
This invitin' establishment is the Texas state penitentiary. It's got all the conveniences - free room, free board... and a chance to learn a trade.

[cuts to shot of convicts breaking rocks]

Harrison Destry:
Most of these convicts are guilty as charged, but some of them aren't. Just the same, once you're under these walls, it doesn't make any difference. Sooner or later - if you're not here for hangin' - you'll serve your time and when you get out you take up some productive occupation.

[shot of an express office blowing up]

Harrison Destry:
Sometimes you climb straight up the ladder of success.

[shot of men climbing a hangman's scaffold]

Harrison Destry:
Sometimes you don't...

[shot of scaffold's trap door being sprung and a hanged man's feet dangling]

Harrison Destry:
When a man's come out of prison, he's usually developed a personal philosophy. For some, it's revenge and hate. I have a philosophy, too...

[shot of a barroom brawl breaking out around a lone cowboy calmly eating a bowl of soup]

Harrison Destry:
...peace.

Harrison Destry:
My name's Destry. I spent time in the Texas state penitentiary. As it happens, I was framed. Since my release, I've been trying to find the man who framed me.

Rafe Collins:
Johnny Washburn sent for you, huh?

Harrison Destry:
No, nothing like that, Sheriff. The first I heard about it was from the bartender over at the Rainbow saloon.

Rafe Collins:
Well, Johnny's a friend of yours?

Harrison Destry:
Mm-hmm.

Rafe Collins:
Well, I'd say you've got some very funny friends.

Harrison Destry:
Well, I have some funny enemies.

Johnny Washburn:
Destry, where you stayin' in case I want to talk to ya again?

Harrison Destry:
Maybe on my feet. Every bed in this town is taken. I think they're even rentin' the pool tables at night.

[Patience asks Johnny to turn his back for a minute]

Harrison Destry:
What was all that about?

Patience Dailey:
I was putting my money away.

Harrison Destry:
Don't you believe in banks?

Patience Dailey:
I certainly do - for cashing checks, changing coins into bills and loaning money on safe business ventures.

Harrison Destry:
But not for savings?

Patience Dailey:
Not for *my* savings.

Patience Dailey:
You can use this couch. The charge will be a dollar a night.

Harrison Destry:
A dollar a night? The hotel is only six bits!

Patience Dailey:
Why ain't you at the hotel?

Harrison Destry:
I'll take the couch.

[before he died Johnny told Patience where he hid the stolen gold]

Patience Dailey:
I can't get it by myself. That gold weighs 400 pounds!

Harrison Destry:
You could always take a wheelbarrow.

Patience Dailey:
Destry, you'll be back. A hundred thousand dollars is no laughing matter.

Harrison Destry:
Then why am I laughing?

Harrison Destry:
Two things, Mr. Oakley - One: I don't know where that gold is and Two: I don't like being pounded on!

Oakley:
Look, I'm a friendly type guy. I want to talk to ya.

Harrison Destry:
Nothing you could say would interest me.

Oakley:
Ten thousand dollars!

Harrison Destry:
Something you just said interests me.

Patience Dailey:
I don't trust you but unfortunately I don't trust anybody else, either, but Rafe - but he's honest.

Patience Dailey:
This is absolutely stupid. Five minutes after we leave this town, a posse will be following us at a nice safe distance.

Harrison Destry:
Mm-hmm. You're absolutely right.

Patience Dailey:
Then why are we doing it?

Harrison Destry:
Patience, Patience.

Rafe Collins:
Sheriff, I'm takin' some time off.

Sheriff Bane:
For what? You ain't goin' back lookin' for that gold?

Rafe Collins:
My girl's out there someplace and I aim to find her.

Sheriff Bane:
Rafe, you find her, you'll find Destry. You know that, don't you?

Rafe Collins:
I'll be mighty disappointed if I don't.

Patience Dailey:
I keep thinking about all that gold. You know, Destry, in a while we're going to be very rich - very, very rich.

Harrison Destry:
Or on our way to prison. That is stolen gold, Patience. Do you have any idea what it's like to be behind bars?

Patience Dailey:
You sound as if you've been there... behind bars.

Harrison Destry:
A couple of years at hard labor.

Patience Dailey:
What had you done?

Harrison Destry:
Nothin'. A fellow framed me for kinda stealin' his girl. He stole $900 from the man I was workin' for and put it under my mattress... fellow named Charlie Bent. Ever seen him?

[Destry shows a photograph of Bent to Patience]

Patience Dailey:
Not that I can remember, but it's the kind of face that would be easy to forget. What are you going to do about it?

Harrison Destry:
That depends on two people - Bent and me.

Patience Dailey:
You can't leave me out here alone. I might die!

Harrison Destry:
But you'll die rich.

Patience Dailey:
I guess that makes us partners, Mr. Destry. Don't you have a first name?

Harrison Destry:
Nope, just two last names - Harrison and Destry.

Patience Dailey:
Harrison?

Harrison Destry:
It was my mother's name.

Patience Dailey:
Oh. What was her first name?

Harrison Destry:
Harrison.

Patience Dailey:
We'll die here!

Oakley:
If you gamble big, you gotta figure you'll lose big.