Dinnerladies

Stan:
Male maintenance person entering female lavatory area!

Bren:
Have you never seen "Vertigo"?

Norman:
Seen it? I've got it.

Tony:
Are you all right Bren? Did you get any?

Bren:
What?

Tony:
At the weekend! Did you get any?

Bren:
Any sex? No I had to go to the laundrette. Did you, Tony?

Tony:
Hollow flipping laughter.

Tony:
All a bloke really wants for Christmas is a voucher that says, "Take this to 32 Sycamore Avenue. Mrs. Janet Farnesbarnes will be stark naked waiting for you. You can have as long as you like, you get a cup of tea afterwards and you don't have to have a bloody conversation!"

Tony:
I'm a lonely celibate, me. I do nothing. I go home and fry eggs. If I ever do get a girl to come back to my place I won't know what to do with her. I'll be flicking hot fat at her with a spatula.

[Dolly has revealed that she and her husband are going on a luxury cruise]

Jean:
Luxury, my do dah! It's a converted World War Two aircraft carrier!

Dolly Belfield:
We have our own suite, our own balcony...

Jean:
Your own Bofors Gun!

Anita:
[on the topic of Christmas decorations] Is genitalia the silver stuff you drape over the branches?

Jane:
[on the subject of the holiday to Marbella] So is there anyone you want to bring?

Tony:
What "bring" bring?

Jane:
No not "bring" bring, just bring.

Twinkle:
You can get phones that do that.

Norman:
I'm agoraphobic. I fell off a diving board in Guernsey!

Petula Gordino:
[going to hospital] What ward will I be on?

Paramedic:
8

Petula Gordino:
Mixed isn't it? - might have a bit of sex.

Dolly Belfield:
I didn't just come up the Manchester Ship Canal on a Ryvita, you know.

Stan:
You don't treat a female woman like that.

Tony:
I didn't go mad this morning and order one old lady instead of a load of broccoli?

Stan:
[on being asked what his Millennium regrets are] I failed to exploit the potential of the cross-head screwdriver. It was publicly pretty shameful.

Stan:
That's Frank Sinatra on toast, is that.

Sue:
Now that's very interesting. You see, I believe in a world of infinite possibility.

Philippa Moorcroft:
[running late for a Millennium celebration] Never mind your coffee, get in the bloody, bloody, bloody frigging car!

Jean:
With Keith's family? Last big wedding his auntie Dot ate a coaster.

Dolly Belfield:
No!

Jean:
[nods] His auntie Dot from Cockamouth ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.

Philippa:
Is this a good time to talk about Scottish Country Dancing?

Lady Pamela:
And how do you feel about having to wear a uniform?

Anita:
Well I think we can all see the sense of it.....for hygiene, and it protects your nipples

Shelagh:
I've got one question for you love - where's my clint?

Bren:
[long pause with incredulously funny look] ...sorry?

Tony:
[last scene of the series] Do you think we'll live happily ever after?

Bren:
No, I think we'll go on buggering about as normal.

Tony:
You do love me though, don't you?

Bren:
Of course I do.

Tony:
Make us a brew then!