Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible

[Mr. Blaze attempts to rescue Elisabeth, who is chained to a wall, using the flame from the end of his cane to cut through her bonds]

Elizabeth:
Mr. Blaze, thank God. I'm afraid you find me in heavy bondage.

Mr. Nathan Blaze:
This is much more than I'd hoped for... to find you alive. Don't be alarmed, but the end of my rod is about to glow red.

[Mr. Blaze arrives to rescue Elizabeth whose wrists are tied to rings embedded in a wall]

Elizabeth:
[playfully] Mr. Blaze... I'm afraid you find me bound and hysterical.

Mr. Nathan Blaze:
Don't worry Elisabeth. You forget that I'm a fully qualified mental doctor.

[Nathan gently slaps the calm Elisabeth]

Mr. Nathan Blaze:
That's better.

[something monstrous moves in the water nearby]

Elizabeth:
There's something stirring down there.

Mr. Nathan Blaze:
I know... are you wet?

Elizabeth:
Oh my God! The size of it!

Dr. Terrible:
Good evening. I'm Dr Terrible. Welcome to my House of Horrible. The last recorded burning of a witch in this country was one Molly McTiernan who was torched at Walmsley Manor House in Suffolk last Thursday. I can still hear the screams ringing in my ears. [smiles] Tonight's tale, however, does not have such a happy ending.

Captain Tobias Slater:
Tygon, the potatoes.

Captain Tobias Slater:
By the devil's trident, thou art forked. [pause] Completely forked...

Captain Tobias Slater:
Do you have evidence of this evil?

Norden:
Aye. A woman gave birth to a screaming baby boy with flame red hair. Red as the devil himself.

Captain Tobias Slater:
I trust you burnt him?

Norden:
Of course, we're a peaceful folk.

Captain Tobias Slater:
Oh Lord, I beseech thee to look kindly upon your most humble servant, Captain Tobias Slater - Witch Locator, as I dunk women in ponds. Forever and ever. Amen.

Charlotte:
Oh, Mr Norden, you know me, you know I'm no witch.

Norden:
There's a test.

Captain Tobias Slater:
We've got this ducking stool.

Norden:
Aye. See, if yer float...

Captain Tobias Slater:
No-no-no-no-no-no-no. If you drown... No, hang on. If you float, you're a witch.

Norden:
And then we burn yer.

Captain Tobias Slater:
But if you drown, you're not a witch.

Charlotte:
But if I drown, I'll die.

Captain Tobias Slater:
It's a small price to pay.

Norden:
And we've got this ducking stool.

Charlotte:
But I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. That doesn't make any sense.

Captain Tobias Slater:
Yes... But we've got this ducking stool.