Elementary

Sherlock Holmes:
I expect nothing, which is why I am such an exceptional detective.

Sherlock Holmes:
In my experience, a grown man who keeps a photograph of his mother on his desk at work is capable of anything.

Sherlock Holmes:
Cuckolds and murdered wives have a habit of going together.

Alfredo Llamosa:
Everything is evidence to you.

Sherlock Holmes:
What is existence but the absorption of and reaction to the data that the universe presents. You can either grasp these truths or you can misinterpret them to your constant and considerable agitation.

Sherlock Holmes:
You seem even more dour than usual, Watson. I would posit it was a menstruation issue but I worked out your cycle. You're good for ten more days.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[sarcastically] Couching it as a scientific observation totally negates the misogyny.

Dr. Joan Watson:
How are you not a total wreck right now? If my kid was taken and held for ransom, I don't know if I could keep it together. You seem quite... I don't know, Zen.

Rhys Kinlan:
I made a delivery once to Holmes at Scotland Yard. Crazy, right? Crazier still, he invites me to stay and watch him assist in the interrogation of this lunatic who'd been planting car bombs all over the city. The police knew there was another one out there, but they didn't know where it was. Holmes is in the room with the guy for, like, five minutes, figures out where the bomb is from a couple of stains on the guy's shoes. You ask why I'm not a total wreck? Because I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

[Rhys is lying in the hospital after being shot]

Rhys Kinlan:
After everything I've done to my liver, you'd think it could deflect a couple of bullets.

[in a nightclub]

Rhys Kinlan:
Okay, over in the corner, the VIP area, see the big guy in there with a beard, right? His name's Reynaldo, he's one of the U.K. suppliers.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Is he the one you stole from?

Rhys Kinlan:
Well, technically, I stole from them all, but yeah, he'd be pretty upset with me.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Referring to the victim] I was an admirer. Garrison Boyd was president of the Five Burroughs Skeptic Association. He was debunker of the highest order. He was a bright light of reason in a sea of gullibility and magical thought. He was a professional doubter.

M.E. Hawes:
Of?

Sherlock Holmes:
Pseudo science. The paranormal. Organized religion. All the usual bollocks.

Finn:
I won't pretend that Mr. Boyd and I didn't have a contentious relationship. He took issue with the church on more than one occasion.

Sherlock Holmes:
You mean he took issue with your cult.

Finn:
He misused that term as well. It's just the kind of rigid, closed minded thinking that I preach against here. At one time or another, every great religion has been attacked as a cult.

Sherlock Holmes:
So have most cults.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Issuing a hard warning to cult leader Finn] Ms. Weinberg is leaving with *us*. Any attempt to hinder her return to her former life will be met with an energy transference most unpleasant.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Referring to a picture of a cable found underneath a woman's home] Meet Ruby. She's a transatlantic data cable. The fastest in the world, and a backup of the North American internet.

Captain Thomas Gregson:
She looks like a garden hose.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's a curse of the modern age that very significant things appear common place. Now Ruby is one of several undersea cables which connects Europe to the United States. The full spectrum of commerce and communication flows through her optic fibers. As well as the requisite glut of pornography and cat videos.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hello. Miss Massee, my name is Sherlock Holmes. I'm a consultant with the New York Police Department. I was hoping I might ask you a few questions.

Yolanda Massee:
Do you have a badge?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm afraid I'm quite allergic to iconography.

Tara Parker:
The people you're talking about are scientists, not murderers.

Sherlock Holmes:
The frequency of overlap between those two vocations might surprise you.

Captain Thomas Gregson:
Anyone ever tell you you're not much of a statesman?

Sherlock Holmes:
Some statesmen have.

Sherlock Holmes:
The detective and I will investigate post haste.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Why do you get to go?

Sherlock Holmes:
Because I stood up first.

Sherlock Holmes:
I've interviewed blind men who were better witnesses than that. Three of them. No, four.

Sherlock Holmes:
We solved one murder, now we just have the remaining 100 million.

Sherlock Holmes:
At the very least, this has proven the wisdom of continuously training in the combat arts. You do, of course, need to work on your defense. You allowed Cortes to land far too many punches.

Dr. Joan Watson:
I did. But all that matters is that I landed the last one.

Sherlock Holmes:
There's also a song that appeals to me as a detective. It's a mystery about dogs and who may have let them out.

Sherlock Holmes:
Most prostheses do not have a hidden compartment, do they, Mr. Riley?

Detective Nash:
Okay, you've made your point. Time to give me a minute alone with our friend.

Sherlock Holmes:
I beg your pardon, detective, this is our case, we only included you...

Detective Nash:
[Interrupts Sherlock] Let's not fight in front of the perp, okay? I said I can take it from here. Come one.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Some of this isn't blood. It's lipstick. Were you in a fight or were you having sex?

Sherlock Holmes:
The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sometimes, Watson, when one wants a diamond, one must resort to digging in a diamond mine.

Dr. Joan Watson:
For future reference, a morgue is not a diamond mine.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's better. Diamonds are just pressed coal; corpses have stories, secrets.

Sherlock Holmes:
Your friend would be better off employing a gigolo than a private detective. She'd be amazed at how cheaply a night of anonymous abandon can be had. Is she attractive? I might be able to provide the service myself free of charge.

Sherlock Holmes:
It was me. I slept with your friend - ravaged, actually... She has a beauty mark here, she has size six feet, she bites her nails and thankfully nothing else.

Sherlock Holmes:
Actually, it was she who initiated our dalliance. She's an aggressive and I may say, limber woman, your friend.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're telling me you're British intelligence, and you've managed to keep that from me for over a decade?

Mycroft Holmes:
[dry sarcasm] Because we're so close.

Sherlock Holmes:
The world is full of obvious things; which, nobody by any chance ever observes.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You said you didn't set Andrew up with your friend from Denmark. I want to believe you.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, I encourage you to do just that then.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson regarding Andrew] I like him. He's intelligent. He hasn't just jumped into a new business. He has the patience and self-possession to wait for something worthwhile. *And*, most importantly, he understands you. He understands you and me.

Dr. Joan Watson:
What do you mean by that?

Sherlock Holmes:
I mean, Watson, that whether you care to admit it lately or not, I am an important part of your life. And whether I say it out loud or not, you are an important part of mine. My return to New York was driven in large part by a desire to repair our relationship. And I think, even though we might draw further or nearer from each other, depending on circumstance, you and I are bound. Somehow. Andrew accepts that without feeling needlessly threatened. It's a rather enlightened position. And so, no, I've got no desire to banish the man to Scandi-bloody-navia.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Okay, I believe you. Kinda feel like hugging you right now.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yet, as my friend, you know that would be a rash decision.

Dr. Joan Watson:
This is one of those "so many questions" moments. Why only three times a year?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, I'm not sure. Having never milked a moose, I imagine one must catch it in the right mood.

Sherlock Holmes:
I was very pleased to return to London a few months ago, not just because it is unquestionably the greatest and most cultured city on the planet, but because it made me appreciate what I have here. I've got a support system. You, Captain Gregson... even Detective Bell.I feel as if I've thrived here, not because of who I am but because of whom I've come to know. I don't wish to give that up until I am ready.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson] For future reference, when I say "I agree with you", that means I'm not listening.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[Joan walks into the kitchen and sees a note on the door that says; Coitus in Progress... Recently concluded] More on point than a sock.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You went a little fanboy back there.

Sherlock Holmes:
Fanboy?

Dr. Joan Watson:
I've never seen you treat a murder suspect so politely before.

Sherlock Holmes:
I withdraw my earlier skepticism. The dinosaur in Doug Newberg's backyard totally escaped my notice.

Sherlock Holmes:
I was expecting to find my... housemate.

Gay:
No problem. I'm Gay.

Sherlock Holmes:
...I'm not.

Gay:
It's my name.

Sherlock Holmes:
...Yes, of course. I'm Sherlock.

Gay:
Hello.

[pause]

Gay:
I also am. Gay. So, you know, it saves time.

Sherlock Holmes:
How efficient.

Sherlock Holmes:
You were asking me if I'd found anything, and the answer is maybe. Two years ago, Charles Milverton referred a client to "the Sheriff." His name was Abraham Zelner, a morbidly obese man who wanted to sue an airline for removing him from a flight. Earlier we were theorizing that "Henry 8" was Milverton's accomplice. Henry *the* VIII, as I'm sure you're aware, was the fattest monarch in British history.

Dr. Joan Watson:
So you think Zelner was his accomplice, and that Milverton gave him that code name because he was heavy-set?

Sherlock Holmes:
Orson Welles was heavy-set. Abraham Zelner could pull small moons out of orbit.

Ken Whitman:
My sponsor was out of town, so I reached out to Alfredo. I just needed somebody to talk to, but then he told me about you. He said that you might be able to help?

Sherlock Holmes:
I have a particular disdain for blackmailers. They are, in some respects, more despicable to me than even murderers. Ms. Watson and I will find the person who has been targeting you. We will also find their accomplice. We shall then destroy every trace of this vile recording.

[trying to teach Watson self-defense, Holmes hits her in the back with a tennis ball]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Ow! What the hell was that about?

Sherlock Holmes:
Don't be cross. It could have been a knife.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nothing makes a smart man stupid like a quest for vengeance.

[first lines]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Sherlock, you home? [she turns on the foyer light, nothing happens] I think we need a new bulb in the foyer.

[a man in a ski mask appears behind her]

Sherlock Holmes:
[disguised voice] You tell me where Holmes is, and I'll let you live.

[Joan gropes in her purse]

Sherlock Holmes:
[holds up a mace can] Looking for this? I'm going to ask you one last time: where is Holmes?

[Joan runs into the living room, and trips on a wire]

Sherlock Holmes:
[normal voice] That's pathetic.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Sherlock?

[Furious, she jumps to her feet and punches him in the chest]

Sherlock Holmes:
*Now* you hit me? Seriously?

Sherlock Holmes:
In the meantime, you should expect more guerilla-style tests of your ability to fight back!

[Watson's door slams]

Sherlock Holmes:
You have been warned.

Sherlock Holmes:
I know that you lied to me. Several weeks ago when you said that my father had renewed your contract. I found out when I telephoned him last week. I'm not angry. If anything, I am grateful. You saw that I was in a raw state and you stayed to see me through it. Now when I learned of the lie, however, I deliberately adopted a more sanguine mood. I wanted you to see that I was well again. So that you could move on, but the most curious thing happened: you stayed. Days passed, then a week. It became clearer and clearer that you were not staying for me, but for yourself.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Sherlock, I...

Sherlock Holmes:
It's difficult for you to say aloud, I know. So I won't ask you to, rather I would ask you to consider a proposal: stay on permanently. Not as my sober companion, but as my companion. Allow me to continue to teach you, assist me in my investigations. In return, you will receive a stipend that will, at least, equal the salary my father was paying you.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You don't even have a source of income.

Sherlock Holmes:
I have certain funds set aside. You may continue to reside at the brownstone, you may reside elsewhere. You may also consider yourself relieved of any and all confidentiality burdens with regards to my sobriety.

[Joan is silent]

Sherlock Holmes:
This is an important decision, and I encourage you to discuss it with others. Explain what you have been to me, and what I believe you can be to me: a partner.

[He turns to leave, but turns back, embarrassed]

Sherlock Holmes:
And lest you think this is an act of charity, a gift from a grateful client, let me assure you it is not. I am... better with you, Watson. I'm sharper, I'm more focused. Difficult to say why exactly. Perhaps in time I'll solve that as well.

[last lines]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Just one more thing for this to work.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, what's that?

[She slams a basketball into his face]

Sherlock Holmes:
Ow!

Dr. Joan Watson:
Could have been a knife.

Sherlock Holmes:
[leaving Gregson's office] You're uncomfortable with the lie we told. You shouldn't be.

Detective Marcus Bell:
Easy for you to say.

Sherlock Holmes:
Why? Because I'm a mere consultant, and you're a *real* policeman? You think I don't have as much respect for the Captain as you do?

Detective Marcus Bell:
No, of course not.

Sherlock Holmes:
I removed the gun from your apartment for two reasons. Firstly, I'm absolutely certain that you didn't shoot Curtis Bradshaw. Why? Because only an idiot would have brought the gun back to his apartment after he'd used it, and you, Detective, are not an idiot.

Detective Marcus Bell:
Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes:
Secondly, I don't want to put *our* friend, the Captain, in the unenviable position of having to open a case against his favored apprentice and right hand man. If he knew the gun was found at your apartment, he would have no choice but to inform Internal Affairs. The last thing our investigation needs right now is a jaunt around the bureaucratic maypole, wouldn't you agree?

[Watson comes home to find the stereo turned up full blast, and Holmes firing a pistol into his practice dummy]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Is this another test of my reflexes? Because you're about to see how fast I can call the police.

Sherlock Holmes:
Watson! You startled me. [turns down the stereo] Sorry about the din, I needed something to obscure the sound of my ballistics exam.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Okay, this is a residence. There are people who live in this neighborhood. You don't do a ballistics exam here. In fact, you don't do a ballistics exam at all!

Sherlock Holmes:
[re: Bell's old partner, Officer Reyes] She boxes. I noticed that from the tape marks on her knuckles. Perhaps you should ask for some lessons, get an idea of what it'd be like to go up against someone in your weight class?

Dr. Joan Watson:
You sure this new interest in my safety has nothing to do with watching two women engage in some foxy boxing?

Sherlock Holmes:
You think you're foxy?

Dr. Joan Watson:
[Holmes is watching surveillance videos simultaneously on a half dozen monitors. Watson walks into the room behind him] Do I even want to know what happened?

Sherlock Holmes:
You haven't missed a thing, more yak than shack so far. Curiously, many of the videos are entirely prostitute free.

Dr. Joan Watson:
I meant the garbage. [She points to the pile on the floor behind him]

Sherlock Holmes:
Borrowed our neighbor's bin to test your theory about physical mess and its correlation to relapse. I've been sitting here for hours and I haven't felt any additional temptation to use drugs. We'll see how I an in the morning. [Annoyed, she turns around and leaves]

Dr. Joan Watson:
[on the state of the kitchen] This is a problem.

Sherlock Holmes:
This is a sign of an active mind. Lincoln, Einstein, Freud - all geniuses who drew inspiration from chaos in their environs. Without Andrew Fleming's reluctance to wash petrie dishes, the world wouldn't have penicillin, would it?

Dr. Joan Watson:
[holding up a rancid food container] Well, since the world does, do you have to grow it in your fridge?

Sherlock Holmes:
You didn't know I play the violin?

Captain Thomas Gregson:
Before today, I didn't even know you ate food.

Sherlock Holmes:
The human face, Watson, is like the penis, or so said the great personality theorist Silvan Tomkins. The point being, the face, like the male member, has a mind of its own. It betrays us on an almost daily basis, advertises our secrets to those who know what to look for.

Sherlock Holmes:
Have you spoken to Callie's husband yet?

Dr. Joan Watson:
No, I called his art gallery, they said he's out of town until tonight. I'm going to pop in there tomorrow and do my best Colombo impression.

[Holmes gives her a blank look]

Dr. Joan Watson:
It was a TV show... never mind.

Sherlock Holmes:
Have I told you how distracting I find self-doubt? If you're going to wallow, may I ask that you do it in the privacy of your own room?

Sherlock Holmes:
The question remains: how would the murder we think he is responsible for inspire his wife to leave the marriage a second time? How, in this case, does "A" lead to "B"?

Dr. Joan Watson:
[after a pause] Maybe "A" didn't lead to "B"... maybe "B" led to "A".

Sherlock Holmes:
The captain called and told me that the severed ears Gordon Cushing received were a DNA match for Sarah's.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You're kidding.

Sherlock Holmes:
That's me, Watson. Joke machine.

Sherlock Holmes:
This arrived for you from Detective Bell. [points at package]

Dr. Joan Watson:
You opened it?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's just a few files pertaining to the recent muggings. I'm curious-since when do we investigate common street crime?

Dr. Joan Watson:
Since when do you open my mail?

Sherlock Holmes:
How long have you lived here?

Kitty Winter:
You are very quotable, you know.

Sherlock Holmes:
The facility for quotation covers an absence of original thought.

Kitty Winter:
You just did it again.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Daren] I don't care about your affair. I care about your sobriety. And I depend on every member in this group, including you, to care about mine.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's strange, you know. To be found unique in the setting of a meeting. To stand out. It's the one area of my life I feel part of the crowd.

Niko Buros:
That supposed to scare me?

Detective Marcus Bell:
It's supposed to remind you, Niko, about what you did - who you hurt. Don't worry if the cuffs don't work, we'll find other ways.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[entering the brownstone] I thought we got benched. What is all this?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, that depends.

Dr. Joan Watson:
On?

Sherlock Holmes:
On how you feel about being made an accessory after the fact.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Can I ask you a question?

Sherlock Holmes:
Can I stop you?

Oscar Rankin:
Been a long time.

Sherlock Holmes:
Not long enough, Oscar. Not nearly.

Oscar Rankin:
I can't believe it's been three years.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, well... time flies when you're on heroin.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're positive I didn't do it.

Joan Watson:
Of course, I am.

Sherlock Holmes:
How?

Joan Watson:
Because I know you.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. Better than anyone. But, let me make one thing perfectly clear. You did not know *him*. You never met *him*.

Joan Watson:
So, you're Dr. Jekyll now, and he's Mr. Hyde?

Sherlock Holmes:
You continue to misunderstand. At that point in my life, I did not plumb down into some dark part of myself. I *detached* from myself. From all that was essential to me. To say that you can guess what I was capable of is illogical! I was a different person. And the fact that I remember so little from that time has been *nothing* but a *tremendous* relief to me! Until now!

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson] It's a form of torture... Having to swim through my old life. I know that over the years, you've suffered your own travails, and you can relate to a profound sense of guilt. You cannot relate to a profound sense of shame.

Sherlock Holmes:
Thank you. You've been most helpful. You're free to resume your life of tedium and petty deception.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Referring to a local Salvadoran restaurant] According to the Long Island reviews, the cuisine is thoroughly authentic, although the ambience can be ruined by the appearance of the occasional rat.

Joan Watson:
[Referring to dinner with Andrew and his father] It was *totally* a meet the parents thing!

Sherlock Holmes:
There really is no version of meeting someone's parents that doesn't involve actually meeting their parents.

Sherlock Holmes:
[after interrupting a board meeting whose members are all murder suspects] Apologies for the interruption, but cold logic dictates that one of you is likely a killer.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to the board members after realizing he is mistaken] My apologies. On second thoughts, it's distinctly possible that there is *no* killer in this room. [as he and Joan are being escorted out] One of you, however, does like to be spanked. Carry on.

Joan Watson:
[Perturbed at Sherlock, noticing for the first time a paintbrush strapped to the pet turtle, Clyde] What are you up to? Why are you making Clyde paint?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm not forcing him to do anything. He enjoys it.

Irene Adler:
My first instinct was to kill you. Quietly. Discreetly. But then, the more I learned about you, the more curious I became. Here, at last, seemed to be a mind that... that rivaled my own, something too complicated and too beautiful to destroy... at least without further analysis.

Phil Simms:
[Seeing Watson] What's this?

Dr. Joan Watson:
You're...

Phil Simms:
Not here. [to Holmes] I'm not here. Remember that, okay?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh yes. Heaven forbid if your work with me should offend your precious day job.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You throw knives?

Phil Simms:
[to Holmes] Ya know, it was supposed to be just you here.

Sherlock Holmes:
Philip is arguably the greatest knife thrower in the world. [Phil give the disbelieving Watson a proud smile] Has been for decades. Only there is little money to be made in the impalement arts. So, as a youth, he turned to what you Americans term football. [He shrugs in disbelief]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Is this a joke?

Sherlock Holmes:
[Retrieves two large knives and offers them to Philip] Philip, head and heart.

Phil Simms:
C'mon...

Sherlock Holmes:
Head and heart.

Phil Simms:
[Throws the knives and hits the head and heart of the life sized mannequin across the room, then turns to Sherlock] Can I go?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah. Fifteen years he spent throwing that misshapen ball around. Fifteen years. When I think of the acclaim he could have brought to competitive blade slinging...

Sherlock Holmes:
[Advising Kitty on getting help] I've looked into a number of support groups. As you are well aware, I have benefited greatly from similar settings.

Kitty Winter:
You have.

Sherlock Holmes:
The process I find is not unlike voiding one's bowels.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Waiting outside Harlan's home] Harlan.

Harlan Emple:
You can't take a hint, can you? I got your text messages. I don't want to see you right now. So, if you came here to apologize...

Sherlock Holmes:
Actually, I came here to spare you an agonizing death. [pause] Can I come in?

[on meeting "M."]

Sherlock Holmes:
Arsenal fan. As if I didn't have enough reasons to despise you.

Sebastian Moran:
You!

Sherlock Holmes:
Me. [draws a baton] Baton! [knocks M. unconscious]

Captain Thomas Gregson:
[on Sherlock] He stabbed you.

Sebastian Moran:
Eventually, yeah. Miracle, really. He missed every major organ, according to the doctor who looked me over in the cell.

Captain Thomas Gregson:
Lucky.

Sebastian Moran:
[chuckles] What can I say? I've led a charmed life.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[while Holmes is examining a corpse in the morgue] I'm going to miss this. [off his look] Well, maybe not *this*, but... this. Working with you. I think what you do is amazing.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[re: Moran] Are you planning on helping him? He killed Irene.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. As it turns out, he did not. He was incarcerated at the time she died. I confirmed it a short while ago.

[silence]

Sherlock Holmes:
I am sorry that I lied to you, Watson. The last few days have been quite vexing. Even now I'm not certain if I've done the right thing in allowing him to live. It's strange, really. I'm rarely conflicted about the decisions I make. That's the beauty of deductive reasoning, I suppose. It makes a science of almost everything. Not this. [Watson takes his hand] I'm going to miss this. Maybe not *this*, so much, but this. Working with you. I think what you do is amazing.

Sherlock Holmes:
A famous statistician once stated that while the individual man is an insoluoble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will do, but you can, with precision, say what an average man will do. Individuals vary, percentages remain constant. So says the statistician. I... am *not* an average man.

Sherlock Holmes:
Several weeks ago, you learned of the existence of a woman named Irene Adler. I told you she'd died.

Dr. Joan Watson:
M killed her.

Sherlock Holmes:
Obviously, he realized the degree to which I was assisting the British police in their hunt to find him. He zeroed in on me, made things personal. As to why I am withholding information from the NYPD, it's quite simple. I have no intention of capturing M. I have every intention of torturing and murdering him.

Dr. Joan Watson:
The end of our companionship is actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do tell.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Well, when I'm wrapping up with a client, I like to carry out exit protocols.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sounds ominous.

Dr. Joan Watson:
No, we just need to carve out a time to talk.

Sherlock Holmes:
It's time I told you, Watson. You place far too much emphasis on talking. Most of what we humans have to say to one another is communicated haptically. When I think of the many thousands of words that you yourself have wasted during your time here...

Dr. Joan Watson:
We'll go to dinner, we'll talk; verbally, haptically, whatever. I think the whole point is to reflect on your progress.

Sherlock Holmes:
Reflection is for mirrors. Can't you just hand me a report card?

Sherlock Holmes:
Ten years ago, when M first started killing, I was an integral part of the investigation. By the time he had claimed his 36th life, however, my addiction was out of control. I was, I'm quite embarrassed to say, useless to the police. Now, his appearance here in the States, it's a second chance for me. It's an opportunity to do what I should have done a long time ago - bring a ruthless killer to justice.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Hey, just a reminder that I have an appointment in a little while, but I will be back in a couple of hours.

Sherlock Holmes:
I shall count the seconds until your return.

Sherlock Holmes:
Seems unlikely he would have knowingly swallowed a biological terror agent. Especially since his priors suggest he had a drug problem, not an anthrax problem.

Sherlock Holmes:
Enjoy yourself, Watson

Dr. Joan Watson:
I will try, Holmes

Sherlock Holmes:
Our relationship is predicated on one Holmes and one Watson. It's a delicate homeostasis. It doesn't function properly if there are two Holmeses and no Watsons. So while I am sensitive to this is likely a ripple effect from the tragedy, turning yourself into me in response is not good for our partnership.

Cory Evans:
You said you're with the NYPD. We're big supporters of law enforcement.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're partisan hacks who twist facts until they cohere to a pre-existing viewpoint. All whilst hiding behind the seemingly academic label of a think tank. I despise you and people of your ilk on both sides of the aisle.

Sherlock Holmes:
I owe you a bit of an apology. I attempted to express my concern for you last night, but my thoughts were distorted by the lens of my own needs. It was not optimally done.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Oh, that's okay.

Sherlock Holmes:
What I was trying to say was that one of the things I've gained from our collaboration is a working definition of the word friendship. Friendship, I've come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another. It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain. Another thing I've learned is that my isolationist tendencies are decidedly not my best quality. I am not a better person because of a lack of connection. So, I think the healthy thing is for you not to move in my direction. In fact, quite the opposite.

Dr. Joan Watson:
That's worth thinking about.

Sherlock Holmes:
I left some urine in your room.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Tell me it's in a cup.

Victor Nardin:
I don't kill those people! Okay?

[Holmes walks into the interrogation room, holding an orange]

Sherlock Holmes:
Victor Nardin, think fast!

[He throws it into Nardin's face]

Detective Marcus Bell:
*What* are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes:
This man is innocent. Detective Bell, a word, please?

Victor Nardin:
Why he hit me?

Detective Marcus Bell:
[following Holmes out] Hey, stay right there!

Detective Marcus Bell:
So you assault our perp with an orange, and that has you convinced he's innocent?

Dr. Joan Watson:
[about an observation Holmes made about her father] How did you know he had an affair?

Sherlock Holmes:
Google. Not everything is deducible.

Dr. Joan Watson:
How do you do it?

Sherlock Holmes:
Do what?

Dr. Joan Watson:
Guess things.

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't guess; I observe. And once I've observed, I deduce.

Sherlock Holmes:
...which is why I am considering Possibility Two.

[Watson looks at the second section of the wall, which is bare except for a Post-It Note labeled "Possibility Two."]

Dr. Joan Watson:
It's blank.

Sherlock Holmes:
Possibility Two has stubbornly refused to reveal itself.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Well, keep staring at the wall, I'm sure it's hiding in there somewhere.

Sherlock Holmes:
[quoting Benjamin Franklin] You delay, but time will not!

[last lines]

Sherlock Holmes:
A good detective knows that every task, every interaction, no matter how seemingly banal, has the potential to contain multitudes. I live my life alert to this possibility. I expect my colleagues to do the same.

[repeated line]

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson] You're a detective now, you tell me.

Sherlock Holmes:
Sherlock Holmes: Paranoia is the byproduct of being consistently right.

Sherlock Holmes:
God only knows if she retained copies. But rest assured, I shall demand all of them when she returns from her Danish sabbatical slash sex-capade.

Captain Toby Gregson:
There's something you got to try to understand. Guys like him, they walk between the raindrops, they don't get wet. People like you do. People like his ex-girlfriend do.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You're in the danger zone also.

Captain Toby Gregson:
I've been a cop for 30 years! I carry a gun!

Dr. Joan Watson:
[muttering] And a penis.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[looking at photos of the victim] It looks like Point Break and Magic Mike had a kid.

[seeing Sherlock's expression]

Dr. Joan Watson:
They're...

Sherlock Holmes:
Trifles of the cinema, I presume.

Sherlock Holmes:
We need to get to East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Wait, wait, wait - wasn't the whole reason we left the house was because we couldn't reach the police?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, we don't know if the police will get the message, or even if they can spare the manpower if by some miracle they do get the message. And we don't even have any proof. No, the most logical solution is for us to go to EROC ourselves.

Dr. Joan Watson:
And do what? What if there are fifty commandos shooting up the place?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, I have my whistle. [she starts to protest] I don't know what's going to happen! That's what makes this an adventure.

Sherlock Holmes:
[in the cab of a snowplow] So, Pam, very sorry to do this, but we're commandeering this vehicle on behalf of the NYPD. Let's go!

Pam:
[to Sherlock] You, get out. [to Watson] You, I can give a ride home to if you want.

Sherlock Holmes:
They came out of EROC with $33 million in small bills, they loaded their haul into an ambulance, American-made in the late '90's. They haven't been gone more than an hour.

Dr. Joan Watson:
The driver had a lazy eye, the other two met at basketball camp, and one has canine lupus.

[off Holmes's look]

Dr. Joan Watson:
See how it feels? Just tell me how you know.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[looking at Holmes's map] Why does Clyde have tape on his back?

Sherlock Holmes:
It's a red cross, he's the ambulance.

Captain Thomas Gregson:
[looking at Holmes's map] So, the stapler is the ambulance?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah. It was a tortoise last night, bear with me.

Sherlock Holmes:
Life is infinitely stranger than anything the mind of man could invent.

[after Sherlock explains Harlan's background as a mathematician]

Dr. Joan Watson:
None of which explains why he's...

Sherlock Holmes:
Shirtless in our living room? Like all great minds, Harlan has his own process. He doesn't like there to be anything between him and the maths. Now, knowing your Victorian attitudes towards such things, I gave him a little bell to ring in case he feels the need to disrobe completely. Though I can't promise he won't sit on the furniture.

Sherlock Holmes:
Fatty, this is Watson. Watson, this is Fatty.

Mycroft Holmes:
Fatty? [pats his stomach] I'd say I've slimmed down quite a bit, wouldn't you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Lap band?

Mycroft Holmes:
Exercise.

Sherlock Holmes:
Exercise requires energy and ambition, and you've never had either.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Watson is surprised Sherlock never mentioned Mycroft to her before] Our relationship is purely genetic.

Sherlock Holmes:
This is the weapon that I believe Pendry used to kill his wife: a plastic gun.

Gareth Lestrade:
[sarcastic] You're absolutely right. I did see one of those, actually. It was in the cutlery drawer. I thought it was a toy, so I left it alone.

[Holmes rolls his eyes]

Gareth Lestrade:
You think I'm daft? What, you think I wouldn't recognize a plastic gun?

Captain Thomas Gregson:
The Department's got six guys grinding away on this case, and you broke it open by following a bird?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mmm. Pity it escaped, shame to waste all that training.

Detective Marcus Bell:
What are you gonna do with a carrier pigeon...? You know what, I don't want to know.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You didn't tell me one of your brother's restaurants had two Michelin stars.

Sherlock Holmes:
Before yesterday, I didn't tell you my brother was a corporeal entity.

Gareth Lestrade:
[re: Sherlock] Uh, Miss, no offense but could you give him a little bit of space? Because he's doing that thing. You know, when's on to something, he does that-that thing...

Dr. Joan Watson:
[annoyed] Yes, I know that thing!

M.E. Hawes:
You're not gonna believe what did this to her.

Dr. Joan Watson, Sherlock Holmes:
Refrigerant.

M.E. Hawes:
Lab gave you the Mass Spec results?

Dr. Joan Watson:
No, but I've seen it before. Air conditioner repair came into the ER. He was draining a condenser and spilled some fluid on his arm.

Sherlock Holmes:
I just knew.

Sherlock Holmes:
[He and Watson have found several frozen bodies inside a warehouse] I'm not easily surprised. But, I do confess to not expecting this.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Are you cooking, or did we get stampeded by a group of second graders?

Dr. Joan Watson:
[Referring to Sherlock] Fluent in three dozen languages, but the man has never seen Say Anything.

Detective Marcus Bell:
That's that 80's movie, right?

Dr. Joan Watson:
You want me to punch you, right?

Sherlock Holmes:
I expect nothing, which is why I'm such an exceptional detective.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Entering the subway] Watson, you've lived here your whole life. Why do think so many New Yorkers feel the need to combine public transportation with public urination?

Dr. Joan Watson:
You know, it's part of the charm.

Trey McCann:
[Referring to an escaped prisoner] She was a trouble maker. Pulled a few cell phones off her. She'd mouth off to the CO's. Couple times I had to put her in the shoe. [Turning to Joan] Oh, that's... that's solitary.

Dr. Joan Watson:
We get Netflix.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Arguing about whether or not Bell knows that the detective he's been seeing works for Internal Affairs] Well, say he doesn't. How is it any of our concern?

Dr. Joan Watson:
Are you serious?

Sherlock Holmes:
We're not cops, Watson. For as long as there's been police, there's been police corruption. The bureau might not be popular, but it's utterly necessary.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You just said you surveilled them.

Sherlock Holmes:
Because I feared that they might not approve of our methods. Not because I thought they're inherently evil.

Sherlock Holmes:
For a previously unremarkable drug dealer, Ms. Moreno continues to defy expectations. Spree killer is yet another category dominated by men.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[Softly sarcastic] How *does* she do it?

Sherlock Holmes:
Would you be happier if women were better criminals?

Sherlock Holmes:
I have what some might call a strong personality.

Detective Marcus Bell:
[Sarcastically] Nahhh.

Mr. Morland Holmes:
It may only be so much time before the gunman flees the country. So I'll be blunt. The value of your dam is $2.3 billion in theory only. It can be 0 if I call certain friends in Lima.

Bill Wellstone:
[Chuckles] Now that boys and girls, is how you deliver a threat. Far more compelling than a warrant. Anything you need - from Dynastic Energy - you've got it.

Sherlock Holmes:
I need to ask you something personal. It's a medical question. I-I wouldn't intrude, but it may well be genetic. So on that basis, I feel entitled. Are you suffering from low T?

Mr. Morland Holmes:
Excuse me?

Sherlock Holmes:
A deficiency, and imbalance in your hormone levels. Is it what's causing this late onset humanity that you've been exhibiting since your return to New York? Is it why you comforted Mrs. Bova?

Mr. Morland Holmes:
Was i such a terrible father that you can't imagine me being kind to a widow?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm only asking because it is treatable. It's not uncommon in men of your age.

Mr. Morland Holmes:
Isn't it more likely that you've never seen me as I am

Dr. Joan Watson:
I would've expected you to be a little more... exasperated after spending a whole day with your father.

Sherlock Holmes:
It was interesting.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Interesting?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, he was helpful at certain points. And I could get used to having a helicopter at my disposal.

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't know what's more regrettable. That a mass murderer didn't suffer or that he couldn't be taken alive.

Detective Marcus Bell:
ESU did what that they could. They were taking fire. This guy had the place wired. He saw them coming.

Sherlock Holmes:
I was not implying fault. I just wished he could had given us what we needed and then died.

Agent Lukas Muller:
Do you think I don't really know what's going on? This business with your son. Do you expect me to believe you're here to help him? 5 million euros, or I pay him a visit and warn him of the danger.

Mr. Morland Holmes:
There is no danger, Lukas.

Agent Lukas Muller:
So you won't mind if I speak with him?

Mr. Morland Holmes:
Did you know that you had a predecessor, Lukas? At INTERPOL - another friend of mine. Someone I could turn to when I needed assistance. His name was Jasper de Clerq... We had a long and prosperous relationship, until one day he decided it wasn't quite prosperous enough.

Agent Lukas Muller:
My god, Morland. His children found him.

Mr. Morland Holmes:
They were meant to. Tell me Lukas how are your daughters? Go back to Paris. Go back tonight. And both of us will forget we ever had this conversation.

Agent Lukas Muller:
I'm sorry, Morland.

[Starts to leave]

Agent Lukas Muller:
I'm very sorry.

Mr. Morland Holmes:
Lukas, call me "Mr. Holmes."

[Holmes is dismissive of an FBI profiler assisting the investigation]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Isn't profiling part of what you do?

Sherlock Holmes:
I deduce. Enormous difference.

[first lines]

Sexy Woman #1:
You ready to get in on the act?

Sherlock Holmes:
I thought you'd never ask.

[the two ladies handcuff him to the chair... then turn off the music]

Sherlock Holmes:
What's this, intermission?

Sexy Woman #1:
No, this is the part where we take your stuff.

Sexy Woman #2:
We're robbing you.

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't suppose you could finish the show first?

Sexy Woman #1:
How much money do you keep in the house?

Sherlock Holmes:
I've never been robbed by people in their underwear before. Well, no, there was this one chap... but you two are much prettier.

Sherlock Holmes:
[on Drummond] If she was wrong about you...

Martin Ennis:
Then maybe she's wrong about you as well. Maybe you won't die after turning back to drugs, to help dull those senses that just won't shut down. Is that what terrifies you?

Sherlock Holmes:
That and clowns.

[on Drummond]

Dr. Joan Watson:
So she's an ex.

Sherlock Holmes:
More like a C. C-plus, at best. We had an arrangement while she was in London, similar to the arrangement I have with other women here in New York. We performed the act of love loudly and repeatedly, without any actual love, or even any "like." I would describe it as an act of self-love, were it not for the fact that she was technically present.

Sherlock Holmes:
If you must know, Watson, I've been feeling a little bit down of late. It's the process of maintaining my sobriety. It's repetitive. And it's relentless. And above all, it's tedious. When I left rehab, I... I accepted your influence, I committed to my recovery. And now, two years in, I find myself asking, 'is this it?' My sobriety is simply a grind. It's just this leaky faucet that requires constant maintenance, and in return offers only not to drip.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You have your work, you have me. You're alive.

Sherlock Holmes:
I've told myself that many times. So many times, it has become unmoored from all meaning. Odd. I used to imagine that a relapse would be the climax to some grand drama. Now I think that if I were to use drugs again, it would in fact be an anticlimax. It would be a surrender to the incessant drip, drip, drip of existence.

Dr. Joan Watson:
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. What can I do to help? Do you want to talk more, do you want to maybe speak to Alfredo?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, I think perhaps I will see Alfredo. But in any case, I shan't be using drugs this evening.

Sherlock Holmes:
You're staring.

Detective Marcus Bell:
I'm just letting it sink in. You're really back.

Sherlock Holmes:
You are as keen an observer as ever, Detective. Soon you will deduce it is daytime and we're standing in a police station.

Gabe Coleman:
I don't have to tell you anything except I did it. I killed Openshaw, and I wanted to for a long time. I loved two people in this world and I lost both of them because of him.

Sherlock Holmes:
Your son and your wife. Your wife who left you.

Gabe Coleman:
Things were never the same after Dylan died. Amy was angry.

Sherlock Holmes:
At you? That's what this is about, is it not? She wanted you to do something.

Gabe Coleman:
I wanted to. I was angry, too. But, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even get out of bed to go to work. So, let's say I am being framed. If that were true, I'd take that fall. I wouldn't get Amy back, but at least she would know that I'm the one who got the guy. But, like I said, no one's framing anyone.

Sherlock Holmes:
In my experience, the best frame-ups tend to terminate with the murder of the framee. [Sherlock picks up Mycroft's car keys]

Mycroft Holmes:
What are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes:
Proving a point. Your car. I looked it over on the way up here. It's an impressive vehicle. I particularly like the remote starter function. [Sherlock presses a button on the remote, and the car promptly explodes]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Where are you going?

Sherlock Holmes:
The agency's favorite local. I've got a meeting with them in twenty minutes. Feel free to resume your rutting.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson in a research lab] I need something powdery that won't kill us. Surprise me.

Dr. Joan Watson:
And as someone recently said, "If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth."

Sherlock Holmes:
Sounds like a blowhard.

Sherlock Holmes:
When you've eliminated then impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth.

Sherlock Holmes:
Before you say anything I would like to remind you that I am holding an axe.

Micah Erlich:
If you know our work, you know that we introduced a new flagship product in 2009, the Leviathan.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. The safe that you marketed as "impregnable." Did you people learn nothing from the Titanic?

[coming downstairs for her morning jog, Watson meets two half-dressed identical twin sisters, before Sherlock emerges, pulling on his shirt]

Sherlock Holmes:
If you must know, Watson, the Lynch Sisters and I enjoy a mutually beneficiary relationship.

Dr. Joan Watson:
If I must know? I didn't ask.

Sherlock Holmes:
I need to study the difference between two specimens born into the world with exactly the same genetic material. In the Lynches' case, there are seven major ones. And they get...

Dr. Joan Watson:
I... didn't... ask!

Captain Thomas Gregson:
So, some priceless artifacts just came into your possession, and the fewer questions I have about said artifacts, the better?

Sherlock Holmes:
Correct.

Captain Thomas Gregson:
And this just *happened** to be on the day that you were looking into "Le Chevalier," and this *happens* to be the stuff that he stole.

Sherlock Holmes:
And the culture will be grateful for their return.

Captain Thomas Gregson:
Mmm-hmm.

[first lines]

Dr. Joan Watson:
[coming downstairs] Hey, are you going to get the-?

[sees Gwen in the living room, wearing Sherlock's t-shirt and little else]

Gwen Lynch:
Hey! Sherlock's still asleep, I wasn't sure if I should get the door. I'm Gwen. You're the companion, right?

Dr. Joan Watson:
...Yes.

Gwen Lynch:
[laughs] I guess I should get dressed.

[Watson turns off the TV, then goes to the foyer to open the door]

Olivia Lynch:
Sorry, I wasn't sure if you wanted me to get the-! Oh, you're not Sherlock.

[Watson does a double take]

Olivia Lynch:
You're the companion, right?

Dr. Joan Watson:
...Yes.

Olivia Lynch:
I'm Olivia, it's nice to meet you.

Dr. Joan Watson:
I think I just met your sister.

Olivia Lynch:
Did she mention what time our car service is getting here?

Dr. Joan Watson:
No.

[the doorbell keeps ringing]

Olivia Lynch:
You should get the door. There's crepes downstairs if you want.

[the doorbell rings]

Dr. Joan Watson:
Triplets?

[Sherlock shakes his head]

[watching the police interview a bombing suspect]

Dr. Joan Watson:
You don't look convinced.

Sherlock Holmes:
Bomb building is a dangerous venture. It requires patience, precision, attention to detail. Mr. Jacobs's wristwatch is nine minutes slow, and his fly is three-quarters unzipped. That doesn't scream "detail-oriented."

Dr. Joan Watson:
Ted Kaczynski looked like a hobo puked another hobo. He managed to hurt plenty of people.

Sherlock Holmes:
And point taken.

Sherlock Holmes:
[suspicious about Mycroft's appearance in New York] Have you come back to sleep with Watson again?

Dr. Joan Watson:
I think you might have been right.

Sherlock Holmes:
[matter-of-factly] Yeah. [pause] On what topic?

Sherlock Holmes:
...in the steeple of St. Olaf's church... in pursuit of a lost cat belonging to one of our friends in Everyone.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Can't we just find a hacker collective that accepts cash?

Sherlock Holmes:
Watson, I've not respected your privacy. I apologize for that. Please know, I value you for more than just the many benefits you've brought into my life. I value you as a person.

Dr. Joan Watson:
That's nice. It really is. But your apologies always seem to come after you already got what you wanted.

Sherlock Holmes:
Could you just stay out of the eyeline?

Mycroft Holmes:
You're joking. I was just standing here.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, that's the problem.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[Sherlock is jabbing her while she's sleeping] Why are you poking me with your single stick?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm prodding the sheets in order to determine whether or not my brother is in there with you.

Nigella Lawson:
It seems that I'm at the mercy of the Holmes brothers.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Mycroft] Would you get in touch with the Marchioness? I would very much like to ask her why drug dealers want to murder her horse.

Sherlock Holmes:
Someone just claimed credit for the bomb.

Gareth Lestrade:
Right. Aurelius. So we're after big game now, are we? There is a great white loose in these waters.

Sherlock Holmes:
Which is it?

Gareth Lestrade:
Beg your pardon?

Sherlock Holmes:
Are we hunting game, or are we fishing for sharks? 'Cause you can't have it both ways, metaphorically speaking.

[last lines]

Dr. Joan Watson:
It worked. So, now what? We own chickens, don't we? I'm not feeding them.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Holmes has rescued two fighting c*cks and is planning to tame them. Watson appears nonplussed] You seem upset - you have an aversion to c*cks?

Dr. Joan Watson:
[Watson carries one of the chickens down to Holmes] Why is Romulus outside my door?

Sherlock Holmes:
That's Remus.

Dr. Joan Watson:
I don't care which cock I'm holding, I just want to know how it got there. [Holmes smirks] Okay, congratulations, you got me to say it.

Sherlock Holmes:
I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that that would look fantastic on a tombstone.

Kitty Winter:
Do you know what I haven't said to anyone in a really long time? I love you. Isn't that the saddest thing?

Sherlock Holmes:
Do you know why most investigators fail?

Kitty Winter:
Lack of elastics?

Sherlock Holmes:
They refuse to extend their base of knowledge beyond the bounds of basic investigative procedures.

Kitty Winter:
How did you get this address?

Sherlock Holmes:
DCI Hopkins. He oversees the inspector you've been harassing, Davis.

Kitty Winter:
I haven't been harassing anyone.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes you have, but with good reason. Davis is a good man, but a limited thinker, and he requires harassment.

Sherlock Holmes:
Justice is like an orgasm. It can never come too late.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson upon entering the brownstone] Has the captain been here, or have you taken to wearing his cologne?

Sherlock Holmes:
[having witnessed a suicide] Bloom left quite an impression on me last night. Not to mention some gray matter.

Dr. Joan Watson:
You speak Mandarin?

Sherlock Holmes:
Not as well as I'd like. You?

Dr. Joan Watson:
Not as well as my mother would like.

Dr. Joan Watson:
[to Holmes] Are you trying to take credit for me saving your life?

Sherlock Holmes:
It has its costs.

Dr. Joan Watson:
What does?

Sherlock Holmes:
Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere. Once you start looking, it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Seems like a lonely way to live.

Sherlock Holmes:
As I said. Has its costs.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Oh, I didn't know you liked tortoises.

Sherlock Holmes:
I love them. They make an absolutely delicious soup stock.

Detective Marcus Bell:
It'd probably be easier to fire the guy if we ever actually paid him.

Captain Thomas Gregson:
You don't let anyone into your life who isn't constantly concerned with you - what kind of mood you're in, whether you're gettin' high or not, whether you're gonna work like an adult or throw a temper tantrum. [Lengthy pause] [whispers] You know what? Most of the time, you're worth it, because you *are* special. Damned if you don't know it, but you are. You wanna work cases? You're right. I can't say no. [puts on coat] Don't think for a minute that I'm ever gonna forget that you were plannin' to murder someone on my watch. And don't think that I'm gonna *ever* really trust you again.

Sherlock Holmes:
You don't need to trust me to benefit from my intellect do you?

Captain Thomas Gregson:
No, I don't. But I do need to get something outta my system [punches Holmes in the stomach] Welcome back.

Sherlock Holmes:
I am smarter than everyone I meet, Watson. I know it's bad form to say that, but in my case it's a fact.

Dr. Joan Watson:
I'm not your sober companion anymore, but I know a relapse trigger when I see one.

Cassandra Walker:
How did you learn about Mr. Dylan's criminal record?

Sherlock Holmes:
When I learned that James Dylan had sold Rada Hollingsworth her viatical, I did some cursory research into his background, research his employers had apparently neglected to do. That's the beauty of the Internet. Twenty-four-seven access to everything from twerking kittens to criminal records.

[in flashback]

Captain Thomas Gregson:
[on Sherlock] Give the man a minute, will you? He's a brave and brilliant instrument of justice. All we gotta do is stay out of his way, and he'll lead us right to the truth.

[in the present]

Judge Brewster O'Hare:
I've known Tommy Gregson a long time. I'm guessing he didn't actually say that.

Sherlock Holmes:
He may have used different words to make the same point.

Sherlock Holmes:
In my youth, I was dismissed from multiple posts. Being ousted for insubordination to a mental incompetent is its own reward.

Joan Watson:
How did your errand go this afternoon?

Sherlock Holmes:
Poorly.

Joan Watson:
Do you want to talk about it?

Sherlock Holmes:
I have some concerns over personal decisions an associate of mine has made. And I told him so.

Joan Watson:
Okay.

Sherlock Holmes:
He reminded me that we're not friends. And he asked that I restrict my concerns to those that fall within the stated parameters of our relationship.

Joan Watson:
Did that seem unreasonable to you?

Sherlock Holmes:
In fact, I know that it is not.

Joan Watson:
Then what's the problem?

Sherlock Holmes:
That's what I'm trying to determine.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Referring to having helped Alfredo] What's the problem?

Alfredo Llamosa:
I told you to stay out of it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Because we are sponsor and sponsee, and nothing more.

Alfredo Llamosa:
Right.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, I thought long and hard about that, Alfredo, and after many, many hours I've come to the most wretched of realizations. One that might curdle your very blood. You are my friend.

Dr. Joan Watson:
In other words, you plan on arguing on the internet all night.

Sherlock Holmes:
No Belgian is that bad at backgammon.

Sherlock Holmes:
Are governments capable of evil? Yes, of course they are. All institutions are. But they're more capable of incompetence.

[repeated line]

Sherlock Holmes:
Attic theory.

[burning his violin; to Watson]

Sherlock Holmes:
You were right about the stress relief. I felt like Jimi Hendrix for a second there.

Dr. Joan Watson:
Hey, I found something in the hall closet the other day.

Sherlock Holmes:
Was it the zipper mask, because I swear I'm just holding that for a friend.