Filthy Rich

Carlotta:
Kathleen, dear, I know that impeccable taste is not your strong suit, so trust me when I tell you that cheap Mexican mosaics are entirely inappropriate as tomb d?cor. Unless, of course, one happens to be an Aztec.

Kathleen:
Y'all can snap at me all you want, but just remember, you'll never cheat me out of my inheritance.

Marshall:
Now, Kathleen, why would we want to do that? After all, you gave Daddy ten of the best months of your life. Certainly ought to be worth thirty or forty million.

Big Guy:
First off, I want to apologize to you for lettin' you grow up an orphan.

Wild Bill:
Oh, don't worry about that.

Big Guy:
But please do not let the mysterious circumstances surrounding your birth besmirch the character of your good and saintly mother. She was a fine woman of highest moral fiber, even though I was only privileged to know her for a few short hours.

[Carlotta talks on the telephone]

Carlotta:
I don't care if it's a telethon for gum disease, just so long as I'm Chairperson and the press shows up!

Kathleen:
I worked too hard to get where I am.

Marshall:
Yeah, pulled yourself up by your bra-straps.

Carlotta:
Kathleen, before you proceed with another of your sophomoric snit-fits, you should know I tied up all the family boxes so the Westchesters couldn't sit in them. You want Wild Bill and his little Bootsie swillin' beer and shellin' peanuts at the Philharmonic in a box with our name on it?

Carlotta:
Marshall, will you stop that incessant wheezing?

Marshall:
Carlotta, I happen to have asthma.

Carlotta:
Well, have it somewhere else, I'm talkin'!

Kathleen:
Well, I don't care two hoots for this cryogenic-frozen business. I'd like to march right down to that crypt and turn up his little thermostat!

Kathleen:
I mean, how can a person date when her husband's lying a hundred yards away in a tank full of liquid nitrogen?

Carlotta:
We did let Bootsie and Wild Bill move in and they did tell George how nicely we've treated them.

Marshall:
Of course, there was that incident with the broken cellar stair, the fallen chandelier and that ugly bout with botulism.

Bootsie:
Well, hon, you don't have to be up before dawn to know that half the women in Memphis are in love with Stanley. Kathleen's in love with him too.

Stanley:
Bootsie, Kathleen's my stepmother!

Bootsie:
I know. But somehow, I don't think that's gonna stop her.

Carlotta:
Yes, first it was difficult for me to believe that I could be related, even by marriage, to a woman who thinks the pinnacle of good taste is owning a rug with Elvis Presley's face on it.

Carlotta:
Mother B, Kathleen was married to Big Guy after your divorce.

Mother B:
Oh. Well, just don't forget to put out after dinner!

Marshall:
Well, my father was not a sentimental man, so I'll just say this. Here's to Big Guy Beck. He lived for better or for worse, but he's dead for good.

Carlotta:
Really, Stanley, who ever heard of toasting with a soft drink?

Stanley:
Well, Carlotta, I drink this 'cause I'm proud. I'm a Pepper.

Mother B.:
Bootsie, do you know "Spread Your Tiny Things and Fly Away?"

Stanley:
It's "Wings," Mama.

Marshall:
She's always one word off!

[The family finishes singing the "Happy Birthday Song"]

Mother B:
Alright, everybody rub my bottom and make a wish!

Mother B.:
I don't know, Stanley. Guess I'm just gettin' tired of bein' around old people.

Stanley:
Well, Mama, maybe you oughta try bein' around some younger ones for a change.

Mother B.:
Oh, young people, old people, what's the difference? They're all high on painkillers!

Carlotta:
Stanley, until you have managed to transcend your impertinent and incredibly obnoxious James-Dean-period, I prefer that you address me only through my attorney.

[Marshall holds up an egg]

Marshall:
How do you get these open?

Bootsie:
Listen to this riddle. "Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? Mr. Bigger's baby is a little bigger."

Carlotta:
Kathleen, dear, I suggest you stay out of this or I will verbally annihilate you. I will cut you off at the knees. I will take that two-cent accent and perfectly coiffed hairdo and stuff it down your demurely concealed, but nevertheless dime store cleavage!

Marshall:
You know, Carlotta, you would have made a great ranch foreman on Big Valley.

Carlotta:
If you refuse to pay servants, you leave us no choice but to adopt small, pliant children from underprivileged countries.

Carlotta:
Were you aware, Marshall, that there is no valet parking at K-Mart?

Marshall:
No, I wasn't.

Carlotta:
Then you also probably did not know that people look real stupid driving their own limousines!

Marshall:
Carlotta, is it my fault my daddy passed away and tied up all our money? Am I to be endlessly punished and unmercifully criticized because he's forced us to live with his illegitimate son and ten-cent wife?

Carlotta:
Yes, I want you hurt!

Marshall:
What is that, anyway?

Carlotta:
A Dukes of Hazzard belt-buckle. I don't know what got into me. Bootsie said it was the special of the day. Everyone was buying it; there was only one left. I became confused and forced it out of a small child's hand!

Carlotta:
Please, Marshall, don't make me stand in another checkout line. Not even for wholesale caviar! It's a jungle out there. Fat people overflowing their rubber shoes with unkempt hair and babies that sneeze fudgsicle juice on ya!

Kathleen:
Really, Carlotta, you should learn how to rub elbows with the little people more often. After all, this country was built on the common man.

Carlotta:
Yes, not unlike your reputation.

Kathleen:
Anyway, I just came by to tell you some fantastic news.

Carlotta:
Have you decided to move away, change your name and never contact us again as long as you shall live?

Kathleen:
No.

Carlotta:
Then you do not have fantastic news.

Kathleen:
Why, even Bootsie says....

Carlotta:
If you don't mind, Kathleen, we prefer not to seriously consider the opinion of a woman whose dog wears hot pants.

Kathleen:
Why can't I make fun of Bootsie and Wild Bill, just like y'all do?

Carlotta:
Because you're not good enough.

Bootsie:
It seems you only bring trouble on yourself tryin' to be somethin' that you're not. Like that man from the Enquirer that I read about who gave himself a sex-change operation and was real sorry afterwards.

Wild Bill:
Now suppose we're having one of these fancy meals and you latch onto a piece of gristle. Do you spit that sucker out or swaller it or what?

Carlotta:
We do not serve gristle!

Stanley:
Mama B, why didn't you call, huh? I woulda come to get you.

Mother B:
No need. I stole the nursing home van.

Mother B:
Well, if you don't mind I think I'd just like to go upstairs and freshen up my face. You see, I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet.

Mother B:
Didn't you get my message?

Carlotta:
What message?

Mother B:
That I had run away from the nursing home. I'm gonna live with you guys!

Marshall:
Carlotta, what do you want me to do, throw my own mother out in the street?

Carlotta:
Yes.

Carlotta:
Mother B. is totally unpredictable. There's no telling what she might do in front of that man.

Marshall:
Carlotta's right. She went to a political banquet and accused the governor of tryin' to steal a folding chair.

Carlotta:
Not to mention that time at the airport, she got a hold of a microphone and announced that TWA was out of toilet paper!

Marshall:
Oh, I'm just putting some vitamins in Mother's coffee. I don't like her color.

Mother B:
Well, I don't like yours either!

Stanley:
You know, Marshall, those pills look remarkably like Carlotta's sedatives. Hurts me to say this, but I think you put sedatives into Mama's coffee.

Mother B:
And to think I breastfed you!

Bootsie:
Well, sometimes it's for the best when we don't win things. I read about a man who won all new wall-to-wall carpetin' that contained the teeniest unidentified larva that eventually caused him to paste a 26-foot tapeworm from his body.

Mother B:
Marshall, when you were born there was no such thing as stirrups in the delivery room. If there had been, I assure you, I would have slapped your bottom goodbye and rode right off into the sunset!

Mother B:
I always hated makin' love to Big Guy 'cause he insisted I say "cheese." I got so tired of that. "Cheese, cheese, cheese!"

Marshall:
Mother, you are confusing having sex with having your picture made.

Mother B:
Oh.

Wild Bill:
Now, y'all don't let us interrupt. You just go right on with your conversation.

Mother B:
Okay. We were discussing your sex life.

Bootsie:
We celebrate everything. First date, first kiss, first....

Carlotta:
We get the picture. Our only regret is that we did not have time to purchase an appropriate gift. Perhaps a silver platter with rabbits on it.

Carlotta:
I have to wonder what heinous, long-forgotten misdeed we could have committed that would merit our being saddled with a woman who wears NASA space shuttle earrings.

Kathleen:
I just had the most fantastic idea. I've decided to bust up the Westchester marriage.

Carlotta:
Oh, did you finally run out of couples in your own group?

Carlotta:
I'm afraid I'd have to seduce Wild Bill. It's something that I would find disgusting and repugnant. But after all, I am young, voluptuous, and irresistible. And if that's what it takes to get them out of here once and for all, then I am prepared to make the sacrifice!

Carlotta:
Spare us the histrionics. If sex were fast food, there'd be an arch over your bed!

Kathleen:
Well, we're certainly not going to send a woman with a mustache to do the job.

Carlotta:
Oh, that's right. You don't have one, do you? When you were coming down the assembly line, they said: "Hold the hair on this one, piano legs will be quite enough!"

Marshall:
How do you know I'm not her type?

Carlotta:
Because Bootsie Westchester's taste in men ranges from King Kong to Lil' Abner and unfortunately you do not fall into that category!

Mother B:
[singing] Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say "hi!"

Bootsie:
Well, I'm sorry. But I just happen to feel that if a woman makes a play for your man, then you should stay and fight for that man. But if that man lets himself be had, then the battle is already lost.

Mother B:
That's lovely. Where did you get that?

Bootsie:
The wit and wisdom of Cher.

Bootsie:
And that's where I found him -- with his face pressed to Kathleen's lips.

Wild Bill:
Now, that's not true! She put 'em there without any help from me!

Mother B:
I believe him. Her lips look mighty powerful!

Mother B:
That girl causes nothing but trouble. I say we call the pound and have her picked up!

Kathleen:
I'm sorry to bust in, but you'll never believe what just happened.

Carlotta:
Don't tell us! Random House has decided to publish your autobiography, "I Was an Elementary School Virgin."

Carlotta:
Kathleen, before you start counting the rings around my trunk, I think you should thank your lucky stars that a cheap, parasitic slug, such as yourself, is allowed even to cohabitate under the same roof with a woman of my caliber and credentials.

Kathleen:
Well, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Carlotta:
How I hate it when she pummels us with clever repartee.

Wild Bill:
I don't exactly know how to say this in front of a lady, but she - she tried to bust into my britches.

Carlotta:
I'm glad you kept it tasteful.

Bootsie:
Here's a woman who was walking down the street and suddenly went up in flames. [reading] "Scientists speculate that in rare cases, the human body is capable of manufacturing such a high degree of heat that internal combustion occurs spontaneously."

Kathleen:
What does that mean?

Mother B:
Honey that means you're in big trouble!

Carlotta:
Anyway, Stanley, you're independently wealthy. You don't need any more cash. I, on the other hand, am just a step away from turning these drapes into a dress!

Carlotta:
Marshall found the name and phone number of Big Guy's attorney in Bootsie's address book.

Marshall:
I couldn't help it. It was lyin' open in her purse.

Carlotta:
Mark my words, Stanley, you cannot go around giving away wealth to people who've never had it. It just makes 'em more greedy.

Marshall:
That's right. Like those people in the Salvation Army at Christmas time. You give one of 'em a nickel; on the next block will be another one shaking the same stupid bell.

Marshall:
Stanley, remember how when we were little, I was such a sickly child and you never wanted to play with me?

Stanley:
Marshall, it wasn't because you were sickly; it was because you were whiney.

Marshall:
Just keep smilin', Carlotta. Let it seem as though we're havin' the time of our lives.

Carlotta:
I am smilin', Marshall. Someday this nightmare will be over. You and I will have all the money and these people will be tied to mules, working in our fields.

Marshall:
Mother, I think you've had far too much to drink. Let's take this wine and put it over here 'til dessert.

Mother B:
Marshall, I have not had too much to drink. I know so because when I have had too much to drink, I throw up.

Kathleen Beck:
Carlotta, who do you think you are, tampering with my decorating theme?

Carlotta Beck:
Kathleen, dear, I know that impeccable taste is not your strong suit, so trust me when I tell you that cheap Mexican mosaics are entirely inappropriate as tomb d?cor. Unless, of course, one happens to be an Aztec.

Kathleen Beck:
Y'all can snap at me all you want, but just remember, you'll never cheat me out of my inheritance!

Marshall Beck:
Now, Kathleen, why would we want to do that? After all, you gave Daddy ten of the best months of your life. Certainly ought to be worth thirty or forty million!

Kathleen Beck:
I worked too hard to get where I am...

Marshall Beck:
Yeah, pulled yourself up by your bra-straps.

Kathleen Beck:
Then tonight we get our full inheritance?

Carlotta Beck:
I don't see why not. We did let Bootsie and Wild Bill move in and they did tell George how nicely we've treated them.

Marshall Beck:
Of course, there was that incident with the broken cellar stair, the fallen chandelier and that ugly bout with botulism...

Carlotta Beck:
At first it was difficult for me to believe that I could be related - even by marriage - to a woman who thinks the pinnacle of good taste is owning a rug with Elvis Presley's face on it.

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
I heard a very unpleasant rumor about you at the nursing home, Marshall.

Marshall Beck:
Well, Mother, uh, I've been meaning to tell you somethin' for a long time... I'm bisexual.

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
They say you cheat on your income tax.

Marshall Beck:
Do you know what bisexual means?

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
Of course I know! One foot on the ground and one foot off!

Marshall Beck:
I am in therapy; try an' understand it.

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
Oh, for crying out loud, I don't wanna hear all this! I liked it better when folks had secrets! Anyhow, I'm senile, half my teeth are gone - I don't care if you date goats!

Carlotta Beck:
Really, Stanley, who ever heard of toasting with a soft drink?

Stanley Beck:
Well, Carlotta, I drink this 'cause I'm proud. I'm a Pepper. We're all Peppers. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
[the family finishes singing The Happy Birthday Song] Alright, everybody rub my bottom and make a wish!

Big Guy Beck:
I may be dead, but I'm sure not stupid.

Carlotta Beck:
It's just a matter of time, I have to sell my furs... my jewels... my Bentley! How am I gonna get around?

Marshall Beck:
Well, you still have your broom.

Kathleen Beck:
Oh, who care about you? You're old! I'm the one with the most at stake here. I have my whole life ahead of me.

Carlotta Beck:
I wouldn't be too sure about that!

Carlotta Beck:
There are no real men left in this world. Where are the Clark Gables? The John Waynes? Men who would go out and slay the dragon when it needed slayin'!

Marshall Beck:
Sugar, if anybody comes around here lookin' for dragons, you better hide!

Carlotta Beck:
Stanley, be forewarned, this is the last day we will allow ourselves to be used as cheap, domestic labor. If you refuse to pay servants, you leave us no choice but to adopt small, pliant children from underprivileged countries.

Marshall Beck:
Mother, isn't it time you went up to bed?

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
No, I hate goin' to sleep. Whenever I wake up, I have a terrible feelin' that someone I don't like has had sex with me!

George Wilhoit:
I did get a very disturbin' note this morning from your latest supervisor, Mr. Stephen Todd.

Kathleen Beck:
Oh, Mr. Todd. Oh well, what does he know anyway? He's gay!

George Wilhoit:
Apparently you took the opportunity to find out. I just hope he doesn't press charges.

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
I just love goin' to the symphony cuz it's so much fun to yell out requests!

Kathleen Beck:
You remind me of a great symphony, Stanley. So dramatic, so dynamic, so... excitin'!

Stanley Beck:
And you remind me of my first piano exercise, Kathleen. So easy.

Kathleen Beck:
Well, you must have gotten your beauty sleep, Carlotta. Your wrinkles look so rested!

Carlotta Beck:
You always look lovely, Kathleen. It must be that early morning air you get during all those long taxi rides home.

Winona 'Mother B' Beck:
Now how do you expect a person to make a statue without Jello?

Bootsie Weschester:
I just found the strangest, weirdest thing in my closet.

Carlotta Beck:
I am sure you'll look spectacular in it!

Carlotta Beck:
Kathleen, why don't you just go on up to bed? If you have trouble sleeping, try counting the notches on your bedpost.

Bootsie Weschester:
Well, sometimes it's for the best when we don't win things. I read about a man who won all new wall-to-wall carpetin' that contained the teeniest unidentified larva that eventually caused him to paste a 26-foot tapeworm from his body.

Carlotta Beck:
Were you aware, Marshall, that there is no valet parking at K-Mart?

Marshall Beck:
No, I wasn't.

Carlotta Beck:
Then you also prob'ly did not know that people look real stupid drivin' their own limousines!

Marshall Beck:
Do you realize that if we start takin' the soap dispensers from service station restrooms and start usin' 'em right here in our home, we can save enough money in ten years to pay for that yacht slip in Palm Beach! It wouldn't really be like stealin'. I mean, after all, the kind of people that use those restrooms prob'ly don't wash their hands anyway.

Marshall Beck:
What is that anyway?

Carlotta Beck:
A Dukes of Hazzard belt buckle. I don't know what got into me. Bootsie said it was the special of the day. Everyone was buyin' it, there was only one left. I became confused and forced it out of a small child's hand!

Carlotta Beck:
Please, Marshall, don't make me stand in another checkout line - not even for wholesale caviar! It's a jungle out there: fat people overflowin' their rubber shoes with unkempt hair and babies that sneeze Fudgsicle juice on ya!

Kathleen Beck:
Really, Carlotta, you should learn how to rub elbows with the little people more often. After all, this country was built on the common man.

Carlotta Beck:
Yes, not unlike your reputation.

Kathleen Beck:
Anyway, I just came by to tell you some fantastic news.

Carlotta Beck:
Have you decided to move away, change your name and never contact us again as long as you shall live?

Kathleen Beck:
No.

Carlotta Beck:
Then you do not have fantastic news.

Kathleen Beck:
Why, even Bootsie says...

Carlotta Beck:
If you don't mind, Kathleen, we prefer not to seriously consider the opinion of a woman whose dog wears hot pants.