Fractured Flickers

Host:
The beginning of World War III, originally scheduled for this time, has been postponed so that we can bring you the following program.

Host:
Good evening, sports fans! I know that you're all eager to see the pictures of last week's game and to hear this week's scores. Unfortunately, you've tuned in to a program called "Fractured Flickers."

Host:
The following program is brought to you by the makers of... mistakes.

Host:
If you're over 25 and would like to join a "Fractured Flickers" fan club... aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Host:
The program you are about to see will be sealed into a time capsule immediately following this broadcast. [He reacts to shouts and pounding on the door] If we can hold them off that long.

Host:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hans Conried. I suppose you know yours.

Host:
Stay tuned for a half-hour of excitement, thrills, drama and glorious entertainment. But first, here's "Fractured Flickers."

Narrator:
[as we see vultures eating carrion] This moment of softness has been brought to you by Bee Tissues, the only tissue woven in mid-air by bees.

Host:
Ladies and Gentlemen, sometime in the next half hour your telephone may ring. If you pick it up and say these words- Lots of snickers on "Fractured Flickers", whoever is calling will think you are out of your mind.

Host:
Portions of this program have been carefully planned and rehearsed. See if you can guess which ones.

Host:
An attorney has asked us to describe what "Fractured Flickers" is. Fractured Flickers is a film variety show. Not so much a variety as a melange. Actually, it's a mess!