Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Dean Learner:
She was like a candle in the wind... unreliable.

Thornton:
I need to crack this, Dag, cos if not, Won Ton will be all over me like knockers in a wind tunnel.

Garth Marenghi:
As a horror writer I don't ask for much. I just hope I've changed the way you think about life.

[repeated line]

Dr. Rick Dagless:
My name is Doctor Rick Dagless, M.D.

[Opening lines:
]

Garth Marenghi:
I'm Garth Marenghi. Author. Dreamweaver. Visionary. Plus actor. You're about to enter the world of my imagination. You are entering my Darkplace.

Garth Marenghi:
[interviewing himself] In times of conflict, when you're up against an aggressor... be he human, be he inhuman, whoe'er he be; often he's both...

Garth Marenghi:
[narrating the episode] I ran the only way I knew how: by placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession.

Thornton Reed:
God, I wish I was out hitting the ward with those young bucks. But I'm old, tired, spent, busted, rusted, stuck in a moldy old office with just a moody woman for company...

[Liz uses telekinesis to blow out a light bulb in a fit of rage]

Thornton Reed:
Liz, that bulbs gone again, you couldn't fish another one out from the draw could you?

Thornton Reed:
[firing a shotgun at possessed kitchen equipment hovering outside his office window] Hurry up, Liz, I can't hold these plates off forever!

Dr. Lucien Sanchez:
[on phone] Yeah, it's me Dag. I'm at a dead end. I've been cornered by some cutlery; I think I can take them. A whisk, a tin opener, and a spatula. Yeah, I'll take the whisk out first and hold them off as long as I can.

[whisk flies at his leg]

Dr. Lucien Sanchez:
Ah! I'm hit, I'm down. Yep. Got me in the leg. They'll be after you next. Bye!

Garth Marenghi:
[reading an excerpt from one of his novels] Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off. From them rose millions of tiny maggots. Maggots? Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots... all over the floor of the post office in Leytonstone.

Garth Marenghi:
I portended that by the year 2040, the world might see its first female mechanic. And who knows, she might even do a decent job. Still, I wish her the very best.

Dean Learner:
Not since Orson Welles had one man had so many fingers in so many pies, and been the chef as well. And then looked like he went and ate them all. The guy was out of control.

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
Tell me something; is this hospital called St. Crock of Sh*t?

Garth Marenghi:
I don't believe that any living thing should be harmed in the making of a television program or film. Be it human, animal or plant. That's why I personally feel sorry for the cat we killed.

Dean Learner:
I had a cat once. I dropped a sofa on it. It was a write-off, so I stood on its head.

Thornton Reed:
He's a wild card.

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
Then I'm glad he's in our deck.

Thornton Reed:
Let's hope he plays a fair hand.

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
He'll come up trumps.

Thornton Reed:
If, there's not a joker in the pack... and sometimes there is.

[after a Zombie has just been shot many, many times with a pistol, a shotgun and then roasted using a Flamethower]

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
Well, that'll stop him.

Dean Learner:
I got a script, read it, it scared me senseless, I looked at Garth straight in the eyes, never been afraid of holding a mans gaze, it's natural, I said; "This is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap." I do not say that often.

Garth Marenghi:
I have never exploded. But I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how. I just know. I've always just known.

Dean Learner:
Now I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded - whether it was a colleague or a pet - but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him. There were tears on set. Not from Garth. He was strong for the crew. But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that.

Garth Marenghi:
[reading from one of his books] Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve. Blood? Blood. Crimson, copper-smelling blood. His blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. And bits of sick.

Garth Marenghi:
Greetings, traveler. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer. Most of you probably know me already from my extensive canon of chillers, including "Afterbirth," in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.

Garth Marenghi:
Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed, and starred in "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace," a television program so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamn crazy that the so-called Powers That Be became too scared to show it and gypped me, much in the same way that women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.

Garth Marenghi:
I'm one of the few people you'll meet who's written more books than they've read.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Welcome to Darkplace. I've seen more auspicious starts.

Dr. Liz Asher:
I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny, Dr. Rick Dagless. I had a vision. I'm psychic

Dr. Rick Dagless:
And I'm Bo Derek.

Dr. Liz Asher:
No you're not.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
You're right, I'm not. I guess I use sarcasm as a defense.

Dr. Liz Asher:
I see the past, the present, and the future.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Tough gig.

Dr. Liz Asher:
Stop being sarcastic!

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Maybe if everyone who'd ever been close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic, too.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
I re-closed the gates of Hell as soon as I could, but Darkplace has never been the same since. And with Larry back, it feels like the gates could reopen any second, and that's the last thing I need.

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
You're overworked as it is.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Tell me about it. It'll be a total hassle.

Thornton Reed:
What do you suggest, Dag?

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Well, we can start by burning what's left of the body.

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
Get lost!

Thornton Reed:
Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper! Look, Dagless, you're an excellent doctor, but you're also a live-wire maverick, who, when he's not bucking the system is biting the hand that feeds, which in your case is this hand. Now I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body in order to close the portal to another dimension. I just won't do it! This hospital's got a reputation which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the wards, and I'm particularly observant. So go back to your lab and make me a pill that will cure madness, or I'll kick your ass so hard, you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint! Understood?

Dr. Rick Dagless:
As crystal. But if the gates of Hell *do* reopen, don't say I didn't specifically warn you, because I just have, and that means you'll be lying.

Dr. Liz Asher:
Seems like a regular burial, Rick. Do you really buy this portal to Hell deal?

Dr. Rick Dagless:
I wouldn't say I buy it, Liz. Let's just say I'm window shopping, and right now, there's a half-price sale on weird.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
The doors of Darkplace were opened. Not the literal doors to the building, most of which were closed, but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond. Doors that were hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles. They were more like portals, really. From this day on, I'd have to fight these forces of darkness . . . and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.

Garth Marenghi:
Listen, I'm a writer. If I want to start a sentence with a full stop, I will!

Dr. Sanchez:
I know "mon" means man, but I don't think "Och" means anything.

Garth Marenghi:
It looked bad. It looked like I was gonna have to spend the night in Glasgow.

Dr. Sanchez:
Jesus Christ!

Thornton Reed:
[after Dagless goes mad trying to save Skipper and in a completely monotonous tone] Look out, he's got a stick

Thornton Reed:
Dag! Any thoughts?

Dr. Rick Dagless:
I... don't know anything about it. Besides, i think there are more important matters at present.

Thornton Reed:
Could you give me an example?

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Like hospital *bloody* hygiene, I went into the gents and there was a big pube stuck to the pipe so i had to use the one in 'E' wing.

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
[interrupting] It's true! I went there two month-back and there was a piece of sh*t stuck to the seat!

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Well someones gonna have to pick that pube off the pipe and it ain't gonna be me!

Dr Liz Asher:
[interrupting] Come on, surely we can talk about something more sanitary!

Dr. Rick Dagless:
[immediately interrupting] As if your fanny never graced a pan!

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
Whats crawled up your crack?

Dr. Rick Dagless:
She has! Shes *so* up herself! [Liz is immediately upset, make-up running down her face. Sanch interrupts... ]

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
You shut your mouth, or so help me god i'll punch your lights out! [to Liz] Dunno what the hell's gotten into him! Come on Liz, i'll help you apply some more make-up.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
What I couldn't work out was how he'd managed to make another man pregnant. I guess we'll never know. So, just to restate, that is something we'll never know, you're not going to find out later.

Dean Learner:
I haven't acted since, some would say I didn't act during, but er, er, those would be unkind people. I did my best.

Todd Rivers:
He couldn't actually interact with, you know, with another actor. I've never seen that before, and I've never seen that since. But I've just seen the tape, and it looks okay, though.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Sanch - if you pass a postbox could you pop this in? It's my pools coupon.

Garth Marenghi:
Greetings, traveler. Who am I? Perhaps you have met me twixt sleep and wake in the penumbra of uncertainty you call unconsciousness. Or perhaps you met me at a book signing.

Garth Marenghi:
You know, my books are all essentially about what ifs. In Black Fang, I asked "what if a rat could drive a bus. And what if it, and its rat brethren, took over and ate Parliament." When I wrote, directed, and starred in tonight's episode of Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, I was asking another what if. Now, I won't tell you which *what if* it is, but it's basically along the same lines, but with a different animal. Without giving too much away, think Planet of the Apes.

[he has just killed a patient in surgery]

Dr. Lucien Sanchez:
Not my fault. Monkey bastard hands!

Garth Marenghi:
This place was dark, damn dark. Hence Darkplace.

Garth Marenghi:
I realized that man needs to keep in touch with his primal urges, whether through sport or through violent movies. But a man must not let his beast be his master. Otherwise you're no better than Bill Wyman.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
This place was dark, damn dark. Hence Darkplace.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
[talking to mother about hospitalized son] He's a good kid, but you've got to keep him off the smack otherwise this will keep happening. How about you find yourself a husband, get some stability in your life.

Dr Liz Asher:
[talking about a patient that has turned green] Apparently she was in for a routine operation to get her toe shortened which was really long like a finger, the next thing she knew this happened. All in all you could say that she's a little off color.

[Thorton, Liz, and Dagless all laugh]

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
[shouts] You shut your mouth Liz!

Dr. Rick Dagless:
No you shut your mouth Sanch, that was funny. Look, if we lose our sense of humor in this place we might as well all go and kill ourselves.

Dean Learner:
Dag's right. After all, the reason I got into medicine in the first place was for the laughs. That and the p*ssy, and that dried up ten years ago if you pardon the expression.

Dr Liz Asher:
I guess being told I couldn't get a chicken supper was the straw that broke this camel's back. It was unprofessional and girlish. It won't happen again.

Garth Marenghi:
The broccoli had gone. But the hurt remained.

Garth Marenghi:
With this show, I wanted people to laugh and cry... and sh*t themselves all at the same time.

Thornton Reed:
[after firing a shotgun to break up a bar brawl] Knock it off you two, this is a hospital!

Dean Learner:
If he gets word of this my arse is grass and he's got a lawnmower if you know what I mean?

Padre:
[to Dr. Rick Dagless] You're the most sensitive man I know, and I know God.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
I'm finding food a real bore at the moment.

Dr Lucien Sanchez:
What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup, heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie sausage roll.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
I'll get a Wimpy.

Padre:
If you need me I'll be right here in the vestry, if not I'll be out in the jeep.

Padre:
[opens arms to give Dag a hug] Come on, come to Padre, embrace the infinite.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
What's this?

Linda:
A dreamcatcher

Dr. Rick Dagless:
What's a dreamcatcher?

Linda:
It's like a wind chime.

Dr. Rick Dagless:
Then why didn't you say wind chime?

Dean Learner:
Garth is the most significant artist that I've worked with and I've worked with Lulu and four other people, so were talking cr?me de la cr?me.

Garth Marenghi:
I've always loved the great tragedies, King Lear, The Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2.

Thorton Reed:
I've been there hombre, when I heard my wife died I could barely finish my lunch.