Holby City

Zubin Khan:
For the first time ever, the NHS has more managers than beds. Did you know that?

Helen Grant:
Your point?

Zubin Khan:
I've got a rather revolutionary idea. You can take it to your next Trust meeting if you like. Get the managers down on all-fours, throw blankets over them - and hey presto!

Ric Griffin:
[to Helen Grant] People management. Not really your fort?, is it?

Connie Beauchamp:
Unless Tom Campbell-Gore is wearing my skirt and heels, I'm in charge here.

Mark Williams:
The drinks are on me.

Chrissie Williams:
Who do you think you are? The Milky Bar Kid?

Connie Beauchamp:
Do you get altitude sickness?

Will Curtis:
What?

Connie Beauchamp:
From your moral high ground.

Rosie Sattar:
I'm 40. There's something I'm missing. Oh, yeah, a baby. Pass me the yellow pages.

[Will and Mubbs are carrying out an operation that Connie has specifically ordered them not to carry out]

Will Curtis:
We need to get through this as quickly as possible - every minute on the table is putting an extra strain on her heart.

Mubbs Hussein:
It's not something I can rush. If I deliver too much fluid or too quickly it may cause the placenta to detach.

Will Curtis:
It's Connie detaching my testicles that I'm concerned about.

Zubin Khan:
Mrs Beauchamp, I have to admit that you have the leadership skills of an eight-year-old with a Kalashnikov.

[gossiping about Connie]

Lisa Fox:
Her husband's just been made chairman of the board.

Donna Jackson:
Husband? I thought they just plugged her into the mains at the end of each day.

[to Matt who has just terrified a patient by using lots of incomprehensible medical terms when she asked "What's wrong with me"]

Zubin Khan:
Next time you go anywhere near a reference book, look up the term "layman".

[to Matt, after a patient has disappeared from her bed to give herself a fix of morphine]

Lola Griffin:
Matthew... Ever played Hunt-the-Patient?

[repeated line]

Lola Griffin:
As my late lamented grandmother used to say...

Lola Griffin:
As my grandma used to say, "If you look for a peck of trouble, don't gripe when you find a bushel."

Ric Griffin:
[sarcastically] As ever, your grandma's wisdom astounds me.

Lola Griffin:
As Grandma used to say, "All mouth and no trousers makes Jack a dull boy".

Ric Griffin:
Is it possible your grandma was a little confused?

[reading patients' comment cards in the family-planning clinic]

Mickie Hendrie:
[smirking] We've got some really good comments.

Donna Jackson:
"I never knew you could get free condoms here. Now I won't have to re-use my old ones." How gross is that?

Connie Beauchamp:
And if you ever speak to me like that again, I'll make sure the closest theatre you get to is a box office.

Dan Clifford:
Oh, Percy, could I have a word?

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
I'm very busy.

Dan Clifford:
Uh, it's rather pressing.

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
My tummy's very rumbly.

[Dan closes the door to Abra's office]

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
So? What now? Are you going to take me roughly over the desk?

Dan Clifford:
You do the stent trial, I give you Keller theatre at night.

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
[feigns ignorance] I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Dan Clifford:
[smirks] Ric tends to leave things lying around in the office... files.

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
All this over a stent trial? Seems a little OTT.

Dan Clifford:
[sighs] Connie's sulking. We got into a bit of a penis-measuring contest which, naturally, she lost, and so she won't play ball. So I need your help.

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
So this won't make me especially popular with Connie?

Dan Clifford:
Whereas an unauthorised operation in her theatre would? And does she like you especially, anyway?

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
Not apart from sexually.

Dan Clifford:
She'd be a lot rougher than I would.

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
[laughs]

Dan Clifford:
So? Is that "yes"?

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
What's a hospital like ours without a little research and development?

Dan Clifford:
Excellent.

[Dr Greene is supervising various junior doctors who are examining a patient. Penny turns up late]

Keith Greene:
OK, so can anyone tell me why cardiac output would rise from four to seven litres? Anyone at all, while we're still young?

Penny Valentine:
If the patient's in the second trimester of pregnancy.

Keith Greene:
Very good. Now the only thing we need to be careful about is Mr McGregor here dying of shock when we tell him he's pregnant!

[to Penny]

Elliot Hope:
Dr Greene described your performance today as "passable", which coming from him is a five-star rating, I can assure you. Well done, Penny.

[Michael Spence and Connie Beauchamp are arguing over the best way to treat Sam Strachan]

Connie Beauchamp:
You should have treated this conservatively with blood and antibiotics.

Michael Spence:
Well I beg to disagree.

Connie Beauchamp:
Begging may be your only option - if he dies.

Michael Spence:
He's not going to, now, is he?

Connie Beauchamp:
I'm sorry. Where does this arrogance come from?

Michael Spence:
My ability - just like your arrogance, Connie.

Connie Beauchamp:
No! No! I'm not arrogant, Mr Spence. I am profoundly gifted.

Michael Spence:
[ironically] And hugely modest!

Joseph Byrne:
Are you crying?

Jac Naylor:
[unconvincingly] No.

Joseph Byrne:
Yes you are.

Jac Naylor:
Why d'you always want to see me cry?

Joseph Byrne:
To see how far robotics has progressed.

Jac Naylor:
Still a bit OCDC, Joe?

Beata Lindermann:
I'm just following orders!

Joseph Byrne:
Mmm, they tried that in Nuremberg, it didn't work.

Joseph Byrne:
You're taking Mr Frisby up to theatre?

Jac Naylor:
No, we're going for a Chinese and then we're off clubbing.

Joseph Byrne:
It's not going to work, Jac - I'm wise to your emotional manipulation.

Jac Naylor:
Lucky I'm great in bed then, isn't it?

[Jac has been deeply offensive to Ric in front of a patient and has belittled the patient's belief in homeopathy. Mark has withdrawn her job offer of acting consultant, but she begs to be allowed to stay on - if she makes a public apology to Ric in front of the team]

Sacha Levy:
[gathering the team around him] Our new consultant's got a few more words she'd like to say.

Jac Naylor:
[diffidently] Erm. Today hasn't been the greatest of starts. But I promise you tomorrow will be better. In the meantime I'd just like to apologise unreservedly to Mr Griffin for any comments I made in public that may have caused upset or offence.

Mark Williams:
Ric?

Ric Griffin:
[after a pause] Thank you, Miss Naylor. But I neither *need* nor *want* your apology, however sincere. This job should not be about ego or personal feuds - this job is simply about saving lives. You do that job, you treat your staff and patients with decency and respect, and we'll have no problem. OK, everyone, shall we get back to work?

Ric Griffin:
This is a shortlist?

Dr. Keith Greene:
Yeah.

Ric Griffin:
How many?

Dr. Keith Greene:
14.

Ric Griffin:
That is NOT a shortlist!

Dr. Keith Greene:
Well, I don't make the rules, Ric. If you wanna have a fight about how shortlists AREN'T shortlists, but are in fact they're LONGlists, you speak to HR.

Michael Spence:
Alright, what are we shortlisting now?

Dr. Keith Greene:
The stars of theatre.

Michael Spence:
Ah, anaesthetists?

Dr. Keith Greene:
[to Ric] You see, he may come from the land of capped teeth, but he speaks my language.

Dr. Keith Greene:
So, have you any one final recommendation for Mr Griffin?

Michael Spence:
Daniel Coulson.

Dr. Keith Greene:
Really?

Michael Spence:
Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Dr. Keith Greene:
No, no, no, don't have a problem with it, just thought you'd have gone for Dr Carson, I know how fond you are of the female applicants.

Michael Spence:
And nepotism?

Dr. Keith Greene:
[gives intrigued look]

Michael Spence:
Oh, come on, don't tell me you didn't know she was my wife.

Dr. Keith Greene:
Oh, I had an inkling.

Michael Spence:
Well then it'd be wrong for me to recommend her then.

Dr. Keith Greene:
Heh, you're just scared she might cramp your style.

Michael Spence:
Oh, nothing cramps my style. Style like YOURS - nothing can un-cramp it.

[Abra and Reg are about to treat Grace Horley with a leech]

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
This is Reg, our leech wrangler.

Reg Lund:
Eh, have a look at this little beauty.

Grace Horley:
I'm not letting that slimy thing anywhere near me.

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
I thought Reg was a bit of a looker, myself.

[another patient was treated earlier with a leech which has now gone missing. Suddenly Dave Rudge discovers it on his toe]

Dave Rudge:
Nurse! I've got a big horrible growth attached to my foot.

Mickie Hendrie:
It's your body, Dave.

Dave Rudge:
Oh. Haha!

Grace Horley:
Where's my friend?

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
Lewis? I heard you sent him packing.

Grace Horley:
I did.

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
Ah! You thought he might stick around anyway.

Grace Horley:
[unconvincingly] No.

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
You girls - you never say what you want, and you never want what you say.

Ric Griffin:
Thandie's made an appointment with the wedding planner.

Diane Lloyd:
What?

Ric Griffin:
Don't ask. I'm under strict orders to be there.

Diane Lloyd:
[giggling] It would be awful if you stumbled over a bridesmaid or knocked a page-boy into the font!

Michael Spence:
I did not know you were into food, Miss Naylor.

Jac Naylor:
You assumed I ran on batteries?

Martha Woodman:
Dad's been acting all weird.

Mark Williams:
As normal, then.

[talking about Elliot's 50th birthday]

Connie Beauchamp:
Really, at your age, the fewer people that know the better.

Elliot Hope:
I've been thinking...

Connie Beauchamp:
Oh don't do that. It might trigger a midlife crisis. And let's face it, you should have done that at 40.

[Tara Sodi was at medical school with Elliot and so is roughly the same age as him. She's just learned that it's his birthday]

Tara Sodi:
That can't be right. If he's 50, I'm at least 27.

[it is the day of Lord Byrne's funeral]

Chrissie Williams:
Did you hear what Donna said it will have on his gravestone? "Here lies Lord Byrne - Humped to death by the Screaming Skull"!

[referring to Jac's affair with Lord Byrne]

Dan Clifford:
Oh lock up your grand-dads - the black widow's in town!

[Dan, Jac and Paul are operating on an elderly patient]

Dan Clifford:
So, Miss Naylor, have you checked out the patient's status?

Jac Naylor:
Sorry?

Dan Clifford:
As your next potential conquest.

Jac Naylor:
[sarcastically] Hilarious.

Dan Clifford:
He's just about the age for you, isn't he? He's worth a bob or two, by all accounts.

Jac Naylor:
Blah, blah, blah.

Paul Rose:
It's a bit of a come-down from the landed gentry.

Jac Naylor:
Zip it, mini-me!

Dan Clifford:
So what time's the funeral?

Jac Naylor:
I wouldn't know.

Dan Clifford:
Are you persona non grata?

Jac Naylor:
I'm glad you find the death of an eminent surgeon the source of such endless amusement.

Dan Clifford:
[to Paul Rose] She really is an ice-queen, isn't she Rosie?

Paul Rose:
Positively arctic.

[Lola has rebuked Donna for having a hangover while on duty so mixing up two patients with similar names. Now she is having a go at Mark.]

Mark Williams:
You know what, Lola? I knock my pan out, and I am lucky to earn in a month what you make every week for dispensing your Caribbean Christmas-cracker wisdom. Donna is a member of *my* team. And I will deal with her exactly how I like. And while we're at it, *I'm* not answerable to you, either. So if you've got a problem, put it writing to the relevant authorities. Better still, tell your grandma!

[Abra is giving his best-man's speech at the wedding of Ric and Thandie]

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
We're honoured to have one of Ric's ex-wives here today - the lovely Lola - and I have a text from the others saying "Sorry we're late. Both minibuses broken down on the M4."!

Joseph Byrne:
No-one's ever wanted you, have they Jac, and no-one ever will.

Jac Naylor:
Your dad did.

Joseph Byrne:
That wasn't exactly what he wanted from you.

Jac Naylor:
And what about you? You wanted me.

Joseph Byrne:
Right up until I looked into that cold dead heart.

Jac Naylor:
And yet as he lay there dying, thinking about me and what he'd be missing, rather than his dried-up old stiff of a wife or his spineless son, where were you? Holding his hand? Offering a last few words of comfort? Or locking horns with yours truly, trying to put a dent in my cold dead heart. And that's what really gets you, isn't it? You've got to carry that round for the rest of your days. If it was your father, we both know he'd shrug it off and move on. But not you - not the nail-scrubbing little worry-wart. You'll never shake the feeling that even on his death-bed, you were one big let-down.

[Provoked beyond endurance, Joseph hits Jac very hard across the face.]

[Jac is attending her first consultants' meeting. Michael and Connie are discussing Hanssen's plans for cuts which may involve redundancies]

Michael Spence:
Welcome to the grown-ups' table. Don't go crazy in the designer shoe department. Might be in for a nasty shock.

Jac Naylor:
I'm not really a shoe kind of girl, Michael. Kitchen department's more my kind of thing.

Michael Spence:
You surprise me.

Jac Naylor:
It's the knives...

[Hanssen has brought a water-filled balloon to the consultants' meeting to demonstrate the use of a laparoscopic grasper]

Henrik Hanssen:
Has anyone used one of this type before?

Jac Naylor:
I have.

Henrik Hanssen:
Excellent. I wonder if you'd be kind enough to demonstrate its qualities with this balloon representing a bowel.

Connie Beauchamp:
Oh, you *have* come prepared.

Henrik Hanssen:
Are you picturing me in a Boy Scout's uniform?

Jac Naylor:
What's particularly special about this is that it's so sensitive it doesn't cut soft tissue.

[Jac grasps the balloon with the tool. It bursts, showering her trousers with water. Connie and Michael smirk]

Henrik Hanssen:
"The greatest ignorance is the conceit that a man knows when he does *not* know". William Osler, an icon of medicine.

Dr. Paradis Bloom:
[to Mark Williams] It's a medical fact that testosterone is toxic to brain cells. Puberty comes and - BANG - one by one those tiny but vital cells start to die. By the time a man reaches your age, there are so few left I'm surprised they can even tie a pair of shoe-laces.

[Mark and Paradis look at his shoelaces which are untied]

[Ric is feeling very aggrieved that he is eligible for a cancer drug but other patients are denied it due to NHS funding rules]

Ric Griffin:
Six thousand names on this list. Mine's just one of them. Do I *really* deserve it more than any of these people?

Donna Jackson:
No, you don't. But you also didn't deserve to get cancer in the first place, any more than my dad did or Ruby did. So what are you going to do? Just get a pin and pick a name at random? You're probably right: there probably *are* people on this list who deserve it more than you, and I'm sure there's plenty that don't. But I'll tell you one thing: I bet there's not one name out of these six thousand that's even half as infuriating as you are. By the way, you should check your email once in a while.

Ric Griffin:
Why?

[Ric looks at his email and sees that there is a message from his daughter Jess]

Ric Griffin:
What did you say to her?

Donna Jackson:
Nothing. She had her 32-week scan yesterday and I thought you might like to see it.

[Ric opens the message and watches the video attachment which is an ultrasound scan of Jess's baby]

Donna Jackson:
*That's* why you deserve it. *That's* your future. Even if you are too much of a stubborn old git to see it for yourself.

[giving marks out of ten for each of the consultants]

Penny Valentine:
Mrs Beauchamp.

Oliver Valentine:
CT Genius. Not to mention an absolute goddess. Any man who says otherwise is either dead, gay or lying.

[Connie and Keith are rivals for the Director of Surgery post. Connie has just given a presentation to the Board in which she has tried to take ownership of a new procedure that Elliot and Tara are developing]

Keith Greene:
I don't think I've congratulated you on your most inspired pitch to the Board.

Connie Beauchamp:
Well I'm glad you could catch it.

Keith Greene:
Of course my strategy is based on showing individual Board members who I really am - the man behind the surgical mask. In fact my brother-in-law was a friend of the Vice Chairman. He plays golf and he's setting up a game for us.

Connie Beauchamp:
Ah, so that's what they mean by your bunker mentality.

[Keith laughs]

Keith Greene:
Say what you like, Connie. At least I'm not prepared to tread on my colleagues to get to the top. And Mr Hope. Oh dear! Of all people. That's like smacking a puppy on the head with a croquet mallet.

Connie Beauchamp:
Go to hell, Keith.

Keith Greene:
[gleefully] Oh yes. You are starting to feel the heat.

[Maddy is showing Tom some unconventional entries in a patient's notes]

Maddy Young:
What's that?

Tom O'Dowd:
"Hip". I wondered about that - there's no signs of any hip problems.

Maddy Young:
No, there wouldn't be. And that?

Tom O'Dowd:
"Dag". Didn't notice that.

Maddy Young:
"Hip" short for "hippo", slang for "hypochrondriac".

Tom O'Dowd:
Well, how was I to know?

Maddy Young:
The lesson is: question everything.

Tom O'Dowd:
And "dag"?

Maddy Young:
Short for "Dagenham" - it's just beyond "Barking".

[they chuckle]

Mark Williams:
You don't want friends, do you? You don't really even want colleagues. I mean you'd be happy spending your working day with a bunch of robots.

Linden Cullen:
That would suit me fine - no talk, no mistakes.

Mark Williams:
Everybody makes mistakes, Linden. It's a condition of being human... or do you not do mistakes?

[Jac has been injured and is a patient on Darwin Ward]

Faye Morton:
How's Cruella doing?

Linden Cullen:
Well, if you're really interested, she's making herself useful and she refuses to jump the Radiology queue.

Faye Morton:
Oh, sorry. My mistake. How's *Saint* Cruella doing.

Linden Cullen:
Benefiting from the fact that I, for one, am keeping an open mind about her.

Faye Morton:
Fair enough.

Linden Cullen:
Maybe you should try it too.

Faye Morton:
Don't even go there, OK. I know what I know.

Linden Cullen:
Well I *have* been talking to her.

Faye Morton:
In my experience, that's the first mistake people make with Jac.

[Malik confronts a patient who has been beating up his wife and burning her with cigarettes, and is now in hospital because she tried to kill him in retaliation]

Malcolm Johnson:
How long before I can go home?

Antoine Malick:
End of the week, with a bit of luck.

Malcolm Johnson:
And Susan?

Antoine Malick:
She might be detained a bit longer.

Malcolm Johnson:
I'm going to book her a holiday when she's recovered. It'll do us both good.

Antoine Malick:
Well, don't forget your duty-free fags - for all those long evenings of torture. I know what you are.

Malcolm Johnson:
Susan been talking, has she?

Antoine Malick:
She didn't have to.

Malcolm Johnson:
She's *very* convincing, isn't she?

Antoine Malick:
You can't fake the look I saw on her face. What do you get off on? The smell of burning skin? The begging for mercy?

Malcolm Johnson:
You do realise that I could have your balls for this.

Antoine Malick:
For telling you what a spineless bullying monster you are?

Malcolm Johnson:
Well it takes one to know one. You really, really want to hurt me, don't you? Look at the blind rage behind your eyes.

Antoine Malick:
Shut it!

Malcolm Johnson:
Well you'll never get a better chance.

[Malik is furious and clenches fists, itching to hit Johnson]

Antoine Malick:
[menacingly] Believe me, I'm tempted.

Malcolm Johnson:
But you're a man of honour, aren't you. You've come to warn me off. Come to tell me to let Susan go. That's never going to happen, my friend, because she's my wife and she's married to me. I *will* take her home and life *will* just rattle on.

[Oliver bursts in as Malik is about to hit Johnson. Malik steps back, having regained control of his temper]

Antoine Malick:
You're wrong. I'm not trying to save your wife. She's saving herself. She's out there now there talking to someone from CID.

Malcolm Johnson:
And do you *really* think she's going to press charges?

Antoine Malick:
She's confessing to your attempted murder. She'd rather be safe locked up in jail than out there knowing that you're looking for her.

Malcolm Johnson:
I'll just deny everything.

Antoine Malick:
They don't need you. With bad behaviour she's looking at seven, eight years of freedom.

[Jac's ruthless ambition has made her notorious. Connie very reluctantly accepts Jac as acting registrar in her own department]

Connie Beauchamp:
You are very much on probation. I will be watching you.

Jac Naylor:
I'll do whatever it takes.

Connie Beauchamp:
Yes, that's what I'm afraid of.

Lola Griffin:
I know I'm not the easiest boss. But I'm learning how to delegate.

Mark Williams:
[smiling] Well come back to me when you've got the hang of it.

[Lola chuckles as Mark walks away]

Jac Naylor:
Don't mess with me!

Joseph Byrne:
But it's such fun.

[Jac slaps Joseph]

Joseph Byrne:
Will that be all?

[Jac slaps Joseph again, even harder]

Jac Naylor:
Now we're even.

[Dan has seen Jac hit Joseph and wants an explanation from her]

Jac Naylor:
The last few weeks have been rather trying for me.

Dan Clifford:
They have been very interesting for the rest of us.

[Connie is heavily pregnant, but she is adamant that she will be the one to perfom life-saving surgery on Lola]

Sam Strachan:
You're here to observe, Mrs Beauchamp, until Mr Hope arrives.

Connie Beauchamp:
Ridiculous rule! My pregnancy wasn't a problem yesterday. Today I'm deemed unfit!

Dr. Keith Greene:
But you can't get close enough to the patient in your condition, Mrs Beauchamp. The Trust is thinking of you and Dr. Griffin.

Connie Beauchamp:
A large stomach doesn't seem to hamper Mr. Hope!

Judi Marsh:
I keep seeing dead people.

Donna Jackson:
Is that people you know or just general dead people?

[Elliot piles on the moral blackmail as he tries to persuade Jayne to pay for expensive anti-Alzheimer treatment for a heart-transplant patient who has raised a lot of money for the NHS]

Elliot Hope:
He has no-one else. Jayne, he has no-one.

Jayne Grayson:
[ironically] Great! Now I'm going to burn in hell *and* feel depressed.

Elliot Hope:
Have you ever thought of getting married again, Connie?

Connie Beauchamp:
[facetiously] Me? Get married? Yes, of course - I'm just waiting for the right billionaire cum Nobel laureate.

Nick Jordan:
[Passing Joseph] Still here Joseph, I thought your family connections would have elevated you by now.

Nick Jordan:
[On Keller] Hello Jac. [Jac is surprised and spills her hot drink] I don't often get the chance to come up and pay a visit.

Ric Griffin:
[Metting Nick near the lifts with Thandie] Mr Jordan.

Nick Jordan:
Mr Griffin.

Ric Griffin:
I have to be honest I'd thought you would have good grace to stay away.

Nick Jordan:
[to Thandie] Not easy being this popular. [Back to Ric] Charlie Fairhead's been brought in. He's up on Darwin in theatre.

Ric Griffin:
What's wrong with him?

Nick Jordan:
Embolism.

Ric Griffin:
Please be sure to pass on my best wishes.

Nick Jordan:
Absolutely.

Ric Griffin:
So why are you on Keller?

Nick Jordan:
Sorry, have I stepped into the wrong neighbourhood

Ric Griffin:
I thought that if your colleague was in theatre, you'd be there for him. Or do you still have that same winning way with people?

Nick Jordan:
Just reminiscing Ric, thinking of the old days, the old team. You know, you, me and Jac, Connie, Diane.

Ric Griffin:
Don't. Don't even mention her name.

Nick Jordan:
Some wounds never heal.

Ric Griffin:
If you have no more business here. [Nick takes the hint and walks off]

Elliot Hope:
I'll never forget the time Gina and I got gastroenteritis - together, believe it or not, Venice, October 83.

Mark Williams:
I can just see the pair of you, chucking up into the Grand Canal.

Elliot Hope:
It was our anniversary. I was never one for seafood, but you know Gina - she never could resist trying something different. Well that sea urchin definitely was... There we were, vomiting in turns.

[wistfully]

Elliot Hope:
Happy days. What is it they say? "You never get over it - you just learn to live with it."

Dan Clifford:
I may not be the top surgeon in the country, but I'm certainly in the Top One!

[Sacha Levy has just finished a very public phone call to his mother while on duty on the ward. He is now staring at a patient's feet sticking out of her bedsheets]

Jac Naylor:
It's a foot! I think you'll find her hernia and bowel operation a little further up.

Sacha Levy:
You've been to medical school, haven't you? You kept that quiet.

Jac Naylor:
Why don't you carry on trying to work out one end of your patient from the other and I'll deal with the rest of the ward.

Sacha Levy:
Oh, thanks.

[he looks at the patient's foot]

Sacha Levy:
I'd say that was swollen.

Jac Naylor:
I'd say it needs a good wash.

Sacha Levy:
Would you say that was swollen?

Nicky Van Barr:
Maybe. Any blood in the sputum?

Sacha Levy:
No.

Jac Naylor:
It's customary here for the *doctors* to do the diagnosing. Although I'm sure you've already asked for your mother's opinion.

Jac Naylor:
How long is Doctor Doughnut going to be with us?

Ric Griffin:
Sacha? You got a problem with his work?

Jac Naylor:
Yes - he doesn't seem to want to *do* any!

[to an unconscious patient]

Sacha Levy:
God, you look like my aunt. Perhaps not as hairy.

[Sacha is wiping a patient's vomit off his tie]

Jac Naylor:
[sarcastically] Oh, nice tie. It's an improvement - it matches.

Sacha Levy:
Oh, thank you. Shop said it was called a Naylor - comes with or without bile.

Oliver Valentine:
How about we, er, go back to my place. I light a fire, pop one of my world-famous rogan joshes in the microwave and open a bottle of wine, and then we can just... relax, chill out.

Roberta Frank:
At your place?

Oliver Valentine:
It's just a thought.

Roberta Frank:
Sounds like a very pleasant evening. But since I've got to know you, I think you should go home, cuddle up with your wine and your rogan josh, and enjoy some quality time with your favourite person - you. Cos quite frankly I'd rather rip out my own mitral valve with a rusty nail than spend the night with someone who would screw over his own sister to impress his boss.

[she walks away from the bar]

Oliver Valentine:
What about your champagne?

Roberta Frank:
I don't drink it - especially the expensive stuff.

[Sacha is checking on a patient]

Peggy Seymour:
Thief! Thief! Help! Call the police!

[Jac walks past]

Jac Naylor:
Probably the reaction most women would have if they found you in their bedroom.

Nick Jordan:
Philip's got the hots for you.

Connie Beauchamp:
You noticed that, did you?

Nick Jordan:
He was like a puppy with a toilet roll.

Connie Beauchamp:
When I want something...

Nick Jordan:
...You're like a rottweiler with a crowbar!

Maddie Young:
I just love men with muscles and a six-pack.

Donna Jackson:
I just love men, me.

Maddie Young:
That's what I meant really. I just pretend to be discerning.

Maddie Young:
[Playing with Dan's golf clubs outside]

Dan Clifford:
Can I help you?

Maddie Young:
Yeah, tell me where's the little castle with the twisty ramp?

Dan Clifford:
Come here you! [Maddy runs up to Dan and hugs him. Jac and Diane look on from inside the hospital, shocked]

Jocelyn Davidson:
[gleefully] Drunk as a skunk, this feller.

[she points at Stuart McElroy]

Dr. Keith Greene:
[sarcastically] Well I never.

Stuart McElroy:
I don't suppose you have. You obsequious, supercilious, insipid, four-eyed... tosspot!

[Nurse Frieda Petrenko, a Goth, is about to examine Joey Saunders, a patient with an enlarged testicle]

Joey Saunders:
We should sell tickets. How about we run away to the circus? Giant Scrotum Man and his Vampire Bride. We'd make a killing.

[Arriving late to the wedding unaware of what has happened]

Steve Waring:
Liam - congratulations, mate! Sorry about my wife, she couldn't make it.

Liam Evans:
Neither could mine.

Dan Clifford:
Can you cover my shift on Friday?

Diane Lloyd:
What's my reward?

Dan Clifford:
Wild, unlimited sex.

[Diane thinks about it for a moment, then shakes her head]

Dan Clifford:
With me, not Lord Byrne.

Diane Lloyd:
Still no.

[Sacha finds Oliver and Chrissie discussing a patient]

Sacha Levy:
Oliver! Oliver! Are you sure it's Oliver - your name? Cos here we have a slightly plump one giving orders and a thin gormless one cocking-up. Should have been Stan, not Ollie. Another fine mess? How about Gina?

Oliver Valentine:
I don't think it's her heart. Gastro-oesophagal reflux? Some sort of bowel obstruction, maybe?

Sacha Levy:
Any problem passing urine?

Oliver Valentine:
I'm not sure.

Sacha Levy:
Her, not you. We can take the piss out of *you* with comparative ease.

[as requested, Zubin reads "affirmations" to Monica Keppel, who believes in faith-healing, while she is under anaesthetic. He adds a few of his own]

Zubin Khan:
[reading from sheet] "Please speak the following healing affirmations into the patient's ear in a calm, relaxing voice." Hello, Monica. I am Two Trees Blowing In The Wind, your anaesthetist.

Ric Griffin:
It doesn't say that.

Zubin Khan:
Your operation has gone well. When you wake, you will be comfortable and you will urinate easily.

Ric Griffin:
It does say that.

Zubin Khan:
She's done her research. You will be hungry for - insert appropriate dietary requirements - and your body is now ready to complete the chain of healing. "Repeat the statement three times." Oh, I forgot a bit. And, Monica, when you wake up you will also believe that you're a giant talking rabbit.

Ric Griffin:
Professor Khan!

Zubin Khan:
[throwing away sheet of affirmations in disgust] Well, it either works or it doesn't.

[talking about her colostomy bag]

Jenny Logan:
I'm going to be standing behind you in the church this August if it's the last thing I do - and without a bag sticking out from underneath my bridesmaid's dress.

Helen Logan:
Well thank God for that, cos you can never find the shoes to match the bag!

[Jayne Grayson tells Ric and Connie that Michael Spence has introduced her to Rev Steve Randall, an American church minister who is offering to pay for the separation of the conjoined twins]

Ric Griffin:
You're not saying that Mr. Spence has found God?

Connie Beauchamp:
No, Mr. Spence thinks he *is* God!

Steve Randall:
You English really *are* a little cynical, aren't you?

Jayne Grayson:
Actually, I'm Scottish. We can make the English look optimistic.

[talking about Elliot Hope]

Donna Jackson:
You've got nothing to worry about. He might look like a Womble, but he's the best there is. He's healed more people than...

Fergus McKellar:
Jesus?

Donna Jackson:
He's a close second.

Fergus McKellar:
What is it they say about books and their covers?

Donna Jackson:
If it looks as dull as crap, then it probably is.

[each of them has tried to upstage the other while performing a surgical operation]

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
You're a fine surgeon, Mr Jordan. But you have the charm of a salt-encrusted slug.

Nick Jordan:
I'll take that as a compliment.

Percy 'Abra' Durant:
I knew you would.

[Maddy has been stabbed but she is not seriously injured. Dan Clifford makes a surprise visit as she recovers in hospital]

Dan Clifford:
I would have sent a card, but I couldn't find the "sorry you've been stabbed" section.

[Dan examines Maddy's stab wound]

Dan Clifford:
Ah, I see the problem. An inch to the left and there would have been a permanent hole in the on-call rota.

Maddy Young:
Guess what

Dan Clifford:
I just humiliated myself by telling you I'm in love with you?

Maddy Young:
Yeah but guess what

Dan Clifford:
What?

Maddy Young:
I got the job!

Dan Clifford:
Well that's...

Maddy Young:
Unexpected?

Dan Clifford:
Deserved. So do I... Shake your hand, or...

Maddy Young:
Or, definitely or [They kiss passionately]

Michael Spence:
You know, when I was a kid, my mother got me this game - Operation. You heard of it?

Dr. Keith Greene:
Yes, we have it in the Third World, too.

[Frieda is in a bad mood because she was supposed to be going out but now finds that she has to cover for a staff shortage]

Sacha Levy:
Come in, smile - let's see a glimpse of those cute little fangs.

[Frieda glares at him]

Sacha Levy:
I can hang you upside-down if it helps.

[Frieda looks puzzled]

Sacha Levy:
Upside-down - bats...

[Frieda waves her arms as if they were a bat's wings]

[Joseph is holding his new-born son]

Jac Naylor:
How is he?

Joseph Byrne:
Miraculous. Who d'you think he looks like?

Jac Naylor:
Churchill.

Joseph Byrne:
What about me? Do I look like a father?

Jac Naylor:
You look like someone who hasn't slept in 24 hours.

Joseph Byrne:
He's got a pair of lungs on him. Cried all night, didn't you? Only just managed to get him to settle down.

Jac Naylor:
When's the last time you ate?

Joseph Byrne:
Can't remember.

Jac Naylor:
We're going to get you some breakfast. Come on. You can put him down, you know. He's not going to run away.

Joseph Byrne:
I know. It's just I've waited so long to meet this little guy, I don't feel like I ever want to let him go.

Jac Naylor:
God, Joseph. If you're going to make me puke, can I at least do it on a full stomach!

[Antoine Malick has nicknamed Oliver Valentine "V1"]

Oliver Valentine:
V1. V1 rocket! He's comparing me to a rocket! That's a *good* thing, isn't it?

[Oliver imitates a rocket taking off]

Antoine Malick:
V1 - also known as doodlebug. An aimless misfiring weapon of destruction responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians.

[Oliver looks crestfallen]

Oliver Valentine:
I hadn't thought of it like that.

[Faye and Joseph are discussing their choice of flowers at their forthcoming wedding. Jac butts in]

Faye Morton:
Joseph, I was thinking. White roses with some gypsophilia.

Jac Naylor:
[sighs] Clearly there is something in the air.

Faye Morton:
No need to be such a cynic.

Jac Naylor:
What the world needs now is love sweet love.

[Jac reads from a leaflet about choosing wedding flowers]

Jac Naylor:
You know, I just don't know if white roses are appropriate, Faye. It says here that they symbolise innocence and purity - that might be a little misleading. Oh wait, no, I missed a bit. It says they also symbolise silence and secrecy, so...

[Elliot Hope is walking along the corridor clutching a bundle of papers and running through a checklist of tasks relating to a pioneering operation that he is about to perform]

Elliot Hope:
Press Release - check. Local TV and radio - check.

[Elliot is startled as Hanssen comes up behind him, and he drops his pile of papers which scatter all over the floor]

Henrik Hanssen:
[ironically] Stapler - check.

[Hanssen has just transferred Malick to Ric Griffin's department. Malick is trying to ingratiate himself with his new consultant]

Antoine Malick:
Mr Griffin, I don't know what you heard about me, but I'm good. I'm the best.

Ric Griffin:
The best?

Antoine Malick:
With a few exceptions.

Ric Griffin:
You honour me.

Antoine Malick:
No, no, the pleasure's all mine.

Ric Griffin:
Do go on.

Antoine Malick:
You're a legend and it's a privilege to be working with you.

[Ric gets out a small pen torch and shines it in Malick's eyes]

Ric Griffin:
Have you got one of these? You're gonna need one. You're *so* far up my backside, it's got to be dark in there!

Antoine Malick:
Look, I just want to show you what I can do.

Ric Griffin:
What, a couple of hernia ops and a stomach ulcer aren't challenging enough for your superhuman skills?

Antoine Malick:
Not for The Malick, any more than it would be for The Griffin.

Ric Griffin:
First of all, Antoine, I will not and or ever will be referred to as The Griffin. Secondly, while you are on my ward, you will treat every patient with the care that they deserve. No-one is beneath you here.

Antoine Malick:
I know that.

Ric Griffin:
They you'd better understand this. There is no room for the maverick Malick on Keller Ward. You carry on like some kind of self-styled super-hero, and your first day *will* be your last.

[because of a funding issue, the hospital Board is demanding that the surgeons stop the operation to separate the conjoined twins, even though it has already started]

Jayne Grayson:
[to the Board] If you want to stop this operation, then you go in there yourselves - pull the plug, sew them back together and give them back to their parents.

[Ric and Zubin had been fighting over Jess and the previous week Ric had given Zubin a black eye]

Michael Beauchamp:
We must talk more about your staff bonding exercises.

Zubin Khan:
I look forward to it

Michael Beauchamp:
Just try not to kill anyone for now, eh. Just wait until I've had time to check out our insurance policy.

[Sam and Connie have disagreed very publicly in theatre about the type of operation that a patient should have. Connie has ordered Sam to leave the theatre]

Connie Beauchamp:
[to Paul Rose] I don't think Mr Strachan's methods of getting his own way have changed since he was six.

[Connie is showing a group of Chinese doctors round the department. Robbie Ling is translating]

Connie Beauchamp:
[to Robbie] You translate what I say. Translate this. This is Mr. Clifford. Mr. Clifford is a General Surgeon. As we all were before graduating to the specialism of Cardiothoracics.

[earlier, Jac told Kevin Mathers that she had no time for "God botherers". She is now about to perform a very risky operation on a patient whose confession Kevin has been hearing]

Kevin Mathers:
Will it annoy you if I pray for you?

Jac Naylor:
Yep!

Kevin Mathers:
I might do it anyway, then.

Jac Naylor:
I'll do some extra sinning to cancel it out.

[Jac looks up Sahira's career on the internet]

Jac Naylor:
There you are: her last three jobs are all with Hanssen. If she's not shagging the Swede, then I'm Dame Kylie Minogue.

Greg Douglas:
[ironically] You should be so lucky.

[Connie writes a letter to John, ending their affair, after she discovers that he is Jayne Grayson's husband]

Connie Beauchamp:
[voiceover] Please don't think me a coward. I know I should do this face-to-face, but I don't think that would help either of us. What I realised today is I can't take you away from Jayne and Christian - you need each other. Especially now. And I can't take them away from you, either. Watching you all together, I saw how much they mean to you. Your life is with them, John - it always has been. We just let our situation get out of hand. We broke our own rule. It was just meant to be snatched moments. That's what we were both looking for. We were not looking for involvement. We were not looking for commitment. We were just looking for a distraction from life. We don't even know each other, otherwise today would never have happened. Thankfully we can get out of this without causing anyone else pain. And that's how it started: no names, no knowledge, no future, no pain - just moments. I can't say I wish it had never happened. I just maybe wish circumstances had been different. Look after yourself, John, and goodbye.

[Connie is operating in Ric's operating theatre which is smaller than her own]

Connie Beauchamp:
I don't know how you work in this shoebox.

Ric Griffin:
It's not so bad.

Connie Beauchamp:
Really? By whose standards?

Ric Griffin:
Well, you see, *we* leave our egos at the door - that way, there's more room.

[Connie wants to take her father William to Holby for an operation]

William Chase:
I aren't going in a private ambulance!

Connie Beauchamp:
Think of it as a taxi with a defibrillator.

Maria Kendall:
[stifles a giggle]

[talking about Faye's and Joseph's wedding]

Jac Naylor:
I'd rather be up to my neck in sewage than be at *that* wedding.

[Elliot introduces himself at Faye's and Joseph's wedding]

Elliot Hope:
Hello. I'm Elliot Hope. I work with Faye and Joseph.

Lindsey Morton:
So what do you do?

Elliot Hope:
Surgeon. Cardiothoracic. And today I'm Faye's surrogate father. And you are...?

David Morton:
I'm her *real* father.

[embarrassed pause]

Elliot Hope:
You're her real father? Right. Good. That's interesting. More champagne?

[Elliot is giving his "surrogate father of the bride" speech]

Elliot Hope:
It was a great honour when Faye asked me to give her away. Give her away? I could have easily sold her.

[laughter]

Elliot Hope:
Joseph offered me five pounds, but I said I could get more.

[Elliot has just performed an emergency tracheostomy on Gina against her wishes]

Elliot Hope:
Gina, I'm sorry. I couldn't let you go. I'll fit a speaking valve later - or maybe I'll leave it a couple of days so I can get a bit of peace and quiet!

Gina Hope:
[murmurs] Thank you.

[Henrik and Mark have just interviewed Jac for a new locum consultant role and asked her to wait outside while they consider their verdict. Mark has now asked her to come back into the interview room... ]

Henrik Hanssen:
Miss Naylor, from what I've seen of you so far, you're arrogant, aggressive, stubborn, obstinate and obnoxious. The job's yours - don't screw it up.

[agency nurse Dawn has asked who has been killing the patients]

Kath Shaughnessy:
No-one yet, but we might start with agency nurses!

[Dawn walks off]

Chrissie Williams:
You hold her down. I'll sit on her head!

Thande Abebe-Griffin:
I'm Mrs Griffin.

Mina Booth:
Ugly things, aren't they? Griffins.

Peter Holland:
Connie's one of the best in the country.

Kim Holland:
But not *the* best.

Connie Beauchamp:
Well, who knows? They don't run cardiothoracic competitions!

[to Elliot]

Connie Beauchamp:
You know, one day hospitals might be run by people who actually understand how they work.

[while Ric was on the operating table having his liver cancer removed, Jess gave birth to her baby. Ric has now come round from the anaesthetic and Jess has brought Jake to see him. Ric gives Jake his Ghanaian day-of-the-week name]

Ric Griffin:
What day is it?

Jess Griffin:
Tuesday.

Ric Griffin:
Tuesday's child. That makes him Kobina. Kobina Jacob Griffin, I'm Kobina Eric Griffin. Very pleased to meet you.

[to Chrissie]

Mark Williams:
[sarcastically] Welcome to the Awkward Squad. Something tells me you'll fit right in.

[Chrissie thinks that Mark is paying too much attention to Daisha and has warned Daisha not to give in to her feelings for Mark]

Mark Williams:
We're friends. Or at least, we were until you interfered. Now she doesn't trust me.

[Chrissie looks disdainfully at him]

Mark Williams:
Oh, I'm not stupid. When she looks at me now, what do you think she sees?

Chrissie Williams:
Well I'm sorry. I didn't want you making a fool of yourself.

Mark Williams:
Well, how the hell do you think I feel now?

Chrissie Williams:
Are you attracted to her?

Mark Williams:
[sighs] Oh, how many more times?

Chrissie Williams:
Well just tell me that there's nothing between you.

Mark Williams:
Of *course* there is something between us. I looked after her through her pregnancy. I helped raise a baby. I picked up the pieces when she had to give it away. I care for her. Maybe I do... love her a little bit. But do you know what I *don't* want to do? I don't want to sleep with her. And what really hurts is that not one person in this whole damn place thinks that I have got the common decency not to want that. Including my own daughter.

[Ric forced Jayne Grayson to increase Lola's redundancy package; he has just revealed to Lola that he knew she had been offered another job and was planning to leave anyway]

Lola Griffin:
So *you* were faking it...

Ric Griffin:
...And *you* were faking it. And fortunately Jayne Grayson was convinced enough to reach for her cheque book.

Lola Griffin:
You could have told me.

Ric Griffin:
No, it had to be the real deal.

Lola Griffin:
"Plausible deniability", eh?

Ric Griffin:
Something like that.

Lola Griffin:
I really thought you'd sold out.

Ric Griffin:
Lola, there must have been half-a-dozen times over the past twenty years when I would happily have seen you subjected to cruel and inhumane animal experimentation.

Lola Griffin:
The feeling has been mutual.

Ric Griffin:
But there comes a time when you realise that the things you have in common far outweigh the things that divide you. And that has to count for something. I couldn't let you get shafted by Jayne Grayson.

[talking about Henrik Hanssen, the new Director of Surgery]

Greg Douglas:
So, this new chief - what do we know about him? Single, married? Gay, straight? Black, white, Chinese, Eskimo?

Jac Naylor:
[facetiously] Yeah, that's right - he's a gay Eskimo!

Henrik Hanssen:
I believe you summoned me.

Michael Spence:
Yes. Mr Hanssen, Ms Robinson. She's having one of her clients transferred to one of our private rooms in Holby Care.

Henrik Hanssen:
You're not happy with the care she's being given here on Darwin ward?

Pippa Robinson:
I don't like your doctor's attitude.

Henrik Hanssen:
Oh, you don't?

Pippa Robinson:
She needs a C-section now - they need to get that baby out of her.

Henrik Hanssen:
[sarcastically] I *do* apologise - I didn't realise you were an obstetrician.

Pippa Robinson:
I'm a lawyer, specialising in litigation.

Henrik Hanssen:
Of course you are.

Pippa Robinson:
She's putting that baby's life at risk. Anyone can see that.

Henrik Hanssen:
Surgeons only cut when they have to. You think if you flash your Gold Card at Mr Spence he'll have your friend sliced open at your say-so? She has a mitral stenosis and this is a cardio-thoracic ward. If you have any *real* interest in your friend's well-being, you'll leave her where she is.

[Hanssen and Spence walk away from Pippa and carry on their conversation]

Henrik Hanssen:
I know you love your little toy-shop downstairs, but it doesn't exist just so you can fleece vulnerable patients.

Michael Spence:
Er, wait a minute. It's not about fleecing anyone. It's about patient choice.

Henrik Hanssen:
A patient with a heart condition should be on a heart ward. If you want to make money by stiffing bottom-feeders, then I suggest you stick to Botox and breasts. It might rather suit you.

[Connie is working late trying to get to the bottom of what is causing a patient's abdominal pains]

Elliot Hope:
What are you still doing here? Go home.

Connie Beauchamp:
Elliot, I have run bloods, echo, angiogram, ECG, cardiac enzymes, CRP, ultrasound. I mean, what am I missing?

Elliot Hope:
Connie...

Connie Beauchamp:
No, no, I won't let him win this. I refuse to let him win this.

Elliot Hope:
Connie, when was the last time you were home in time to say good-night to Grace?

Connie Beauchamp:
Do you know what? My nanny earns twice what these nurses do. It's about time I got my money's worth.

Elliot Hope:
You know, you'll wake up one day and she'll be eighteen. And you'll have missed it. The best years. The magic years. And she'll want to know where you were. What'll you tell her? Go home, Connie.

[Connie has just given a presentation to support her application for another MRI scanner]

Henrik Hanssen:
I think your vision is wonderful. I think it's Utopian. I think the only thing missing, really, is a river of honey, and unicorns cavorting wildly through the hospital grounds. This vision of yours isn't really a vision for Holby at all; it's a vision for Darwin ward and for Connie Beauchamp. It's a work of utter solipsism, not to mention na?vety. Perhaps we should have collaborated on this, then we wouldn't have wasted everyone's time.

[Yesterday Penny Valentine sent home a patient, thinking she was drunk. Now Henrik has diagnosed that her symptoms are due to hypoglycaemia]

Penny Valentine:
[panicking] I just thought she was a junkie or a drunk or something...

Henrik Hanssen:
Everyone's done it. Well, actually *I* haven't, but I'm sure everyone else has.

[Henrik Hanssen gives his opinions on his new colleagues]

Terence Cunningham:
So you're happy with the line-up?

Henrik Hanssen:
Mr Griffin's incapacitated, Mr Spence seems to be entirely venal and Mr Byrne's clearly in the middle of some sort of psychotic episode. Hardly a dream team, is it?

Terence Cunningham:
And Mrs Beachamp?

Henrik Hanssen:
[enigmatically] We'll see.

[Henrik is addressing the team]

Henrik Hanssen:
Most of your are intelligent people. You read the newspapers. You are aware that we are in the middle of sea change. We can't afford to bury our heads in the sand any longer. As Directory of Surgery I will always tell you the truth, and the truth is that there are going to be some rough times ahead and tough decisions will have to made. Some people will be losing their jobs. As the first step towards getting the hospital back on track, Mr Spence has volunteered to be the new consultant on AAU, taking the place of the late Mr Cullen. Leaving the past behind *is* difficult. It can be bewildering, frightening even. But it is also vital. It's what keeps us alive. So we must look to the future. We must move forwards. It isn't going to be easy, but it's time for a change.

[Without any prior warning, Ric has just announced that he is about to take a sabbatical so he can work in Uganda for a few months]

Diane Lloyd:
Did you know anything about this?

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
Mid-life crisis.

Diane Lloyd:
Huh! He usually gets married.

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
Well, this is probably cheaper!

Joseph Byrne:
[sarcastically] It seems I *do* have a use today, after all - my wife has asked me to drive her to her lawyers so she can divorce me.

Connie Beauchamp:
Stop being so superior. Just because you're seven feet seven doesn't mean you can...

Henrik Hanssen:
Pressurising the donor family, telling the donor family about the recipient, ignoring the protocol of waiting list eligibility, failng to contact UK Transplant - it's like you *want* a tribunal.

Connie Beauchamp:
No, it's like I want to resign. In fact that's it - I'm resigning. Consider that my resignation.

Henrik Hanssen:
Oh really!

Connie Beauchamp:
Don't "oh really" me, you depressing giant Swede. I will *not* be part of it - the cuts, the redundancies. Or "firings" as I like to call them. I can't do it. It goes against *everything* I believe in.

Henrik Hanssen:
Not prepared to play the villain?

Connie Beauchamp:
No, that's not it, and you know it. Listen, from one to another, you really have it down to an art form. Do you know what they call you? "Horrid Henrik", "Henrik the Herring", "Henrik Hitler", "Bjorn the Slasher". Shall I go on?

Henrik Hanssen:
If *we* don't do it, someone else will.

Connie Beauchamp:
Huh! Yes, well that's exactly the kind of tosh people like us say to salve our consciences. You *know* that I'm making the harder decision.

Henrik Hanssen:
Then you are the toughest of all cookies, and I merely crumble in your presence. What I *actually* came to talk about was to say I've spoken to UK Transplant on your behalf. Given the uniqueness of our situation and the geographical imperative, they've verbally okayed the procedure. So now that I've saved you from a GMC hearing, do you still want to resign?

Connie Beauchamp:
Yes I do.

[Henrik looks gobsmacked]

Henrik Hanssen:
Right. And do you have anything to add before I cascade the email, or will the smorgasbord of Swedish jibes suffice?

Connie Beauchamp:
Elliot Hope is a genius.

Henrik Hanssen:
The question of his health remains.

Connie Beauchamp:
It would be a *huge* mistake to get rid of him.

Henrik Hanssen:
You're stepping aside for him.

Connie Beauchamp:
No. Yes. D'you know what. This, everything, it's wrong. *You* know it and *I* know it. Happy Christmas.

[Connie walks away]

[Connie comes into the office that she shares with Elliot]

Elliot Hope:
Connie. I've just got the email. It's not *true*, is it? I mean, why on earth would you... ?

Connie Beauchamp:
My dad - he needs my full attention. And I need a break.

Elliot Hope:
But your work. Everything. Darwin. We need you.

Connie Beauchamp:
I'm sure you'll find another bossy woman.

Elliot Hope:
Who are you going to find to give you fashion tips?

Connie Beauchamp:
Or financial advice.

Elliot Hope:
Or guidance on rearing children. Who's going to scatter your papers exactly as like them scattered?

[Connie is struggling to hold back tears]

Connie Beauchamp:
I'm really sorry if I behaved badly recently.

Elliot Hope:
I'm sorry. I have, of late, wherefore I know not, lost something of my mirth.

Connie Beauchamp:
I suppose the angina can't have helped.

Elliot Hope:
Oh the angina's fine.

Connie Beauchamp:
Do you not think you could do with a mid-cap?

Elliot Hope:
Possibly.

Connie Beauchamp:
I you keep it quiet, I'll do it for you.

Elliot Hope:
I would like to get back in the groove. Regain my mojo. D'you think it would work?

Connie Beauchamp:
Oh I think we'll get you through the assessment for occupational health. That's if you stick to the lifestyle changes.

[Connie points to a slice of cake. Elliot picks it up and eats it]

Elliot Hope:
Call me old-fashioned, but I love stollen. So did you stick it to him? Give him one from all of us?

Connie Beauchamp:
I insulted his height and listed his nicknames.

Elliot Hope:
So you took no prisoners, then!

[Ric has just announced to the department that Diane has been killed when her car was in collision with a train. Donna displays her habitual tactlessness]

Mark Williams:
You never know what's round the corner.

Donna Jackson:
Yeah, like a whacking great train.

[Donna, Maria, Lola, Chrissie, Abra and Mark are staring at an abstract sculpture that is being erected in the grounds]

Percy 'Abra' Durrant:
What d'you suppose it is?

Donna Jackson:
It's obvious, isn't it? It's an escargot.

Mr. Sutherland:
The artist calls it "The Circle of Life". Made entirely of recycled materials. Appropriate, don't you think?

[Lola looks highly sceptical]

Mr. Sutherland:
Come now, Doctor Griffin. It's well documented that art plays a crucial role in keeping patients calmer and more relaxed.

Lola Griffin:
If I'd have known that, I'd have given out easels instead of drugs.

[Sutherland walks away]

Donna Jackson:
Still looks like a bloody snail to me.

Lola Griffin:
I don't know about you, but I'd never trust a man who deals in scrap metal.

[Carry Akroyd is a journalist who reviews restaurants. She is morbidly obese because she cannot stop eating]

Dan Clifford:
Try reviewing sushi bars.

Carry Akroyd:
Japanese? D'you think if they lift the whaling ban, they might serve me a whole one?

[discussing an operation to fit a gastric band to reduce Carry Akroyd's appetite]

Carry Akroyd:
Can I choose which colour band I get? I have survived temptation by malted drink, sandwich box and macaroni cheese.

Dan Clifford:
Sorry, the gastric band is off.

Carry Akroyd:
Scuse me? This is a hospital, not a restaurant.

Dan Clifford:
The patient I was going to bump has become an emergency.

Carry Akroyd:
What about the juggling? Dropped the balls, have we?

Dan Clifford:
I haven't dropped anything.

Carry Akroyd:
Or maybe you never had any in the first place.

Dan Clifford:
I can't do it, OK. We'd need enough anesthetic to knock out a hippo.

Carry Akroyd:
[plaintively] I've been starving myself.

Dan Clifford:
Well don't stop now. In another decade or two you might be somewhere near normal.

[talking about he spends Christmas Day]

Sacha Levy:
Glass of sherry, game of Trivial Pursuit before lunch. Followed by the Queen's Speech. My mother always insists we stand for the Queen's Speech, although she can't, herself, on account of her haemorrhoids - my mother, that is, not the Queen. Too much information - sorry!

[Elliot doesn't think that a locum consultant is necessary, but Penny suspects that he isn't telling her the whole story]

Penny Valentine:
Is Geddes that bad?

Elliot Hope:
No, that's the problem. He's borderline adequate. If he gets his foot in the door we won't be able to shift him.

[Linden wants to perform an expensive but possibly life-saving experimental treatment on a patient. Davina is opposed to it because of the cost]

Linden Cullen:
As you are probably aware, VNS is usually a treatment used for epileptics.

Davina MacKenzie:
And by the sound of this, an expensive one.

Linden Cullen:
Well we have to try *something*.

Connie Beauchamp:
Yeah, but something *so* experimental...

Linden Cullen:
VNS implants work by exerting control over intractable epileptics. Now in principle why shouldn't they control Mrs Taylor's seizures in the same fashion?

Connie Beauchamp:
That's fine - I understand how it works, but you could impede blood flow to the brain.

Davina MacKenzie:
Not to mention cash flow to the ITU.

Connie Beauchamp:
It's *never* going to happen, is it? Mark Williams as CEO. What was he thinking?

Elliot Hope:
Well I imagine he's...

Connie Beauchamp:
As consultant nurse you can't fault him. But you know what he's done: he's gone looking for his libido and found his ego instead. I don't know why he doesn't do what most middle-aged men do.

Elliot Hope:
Oh, he's tried that. Bought a motorbike.

Connie Beauchamp:
No, no. I meant, go with a younger woman.

Elliot Hope:
He's tried that too.

[Joseph is on the phone to a prospective wedding venue]

Joseph Byrne:
No, I have no interest in hiring your establishment, with or without a bouncy castle.

[Joseph puts the phone down]

Jac Naylor:
Lighten up, Joseph. I'm sure it's not the first time you've enjoyed yourself on top of an inflatable.

[comparing Joseph and Faye]

Jac Naylor:
You are a stately home in the country and she is a motel off the M4.

[Elliott is introducing Toby Geddes, the new cardio-thoracic surgeon. Geddes is unusually short]

Oliver Valentine:
Is he really that small, or is he just a long way away?

Toby Geddes:
I know we will all get on like a domus in flagrante.

Joseph Byrne:
[whispers] House on fire. I've been replaced by a Latin-spouting, pituitry dwarf.

[Toby Geddes sees a patient who is about to eat a bread roll with butter on it]

Toby Geddes:
[to the patient] I'm about to save your life with one swift movement of my right hand. [he bangs his hand down on the pat of butter] Saturated fat. A small, foil-wrapped parcel of death that we are providing to our cardiac patients. Look at this chap. Overweight, cholesterol coursing through his ever-narrowing arteries and we give him butter? We may as well line this poor man up against the wall and shoot him. Dispose of this please, Faye.

Joseph Byrne:
He called my father a cocktail waiter, he gave you butter, and I refuse to be addressed as Joe by the lovechild of the umpa-lumpa.

[Earlier in the day, Toby Geddes had commanded Joseph to "glove him" by shaking hands to celebrate the successful end to an operation. Now Geddes is being insulting to Joseph, as he has been all day, and Joseph finally loses his temper, punching Geddes in the face]

Joseph Byrne:
Consider yourself gloved!

[Michael Spence wants Connie Beauchamp to come back and work at Holby City, but she won't consider it while Vanessa Lytton still works there]

Connie Beauchamp:
I want her on her bloody hands and knees for what she did to me... I want her head on a platter!

[to Nurse Frieda, a Goth]

Sacha Levy:
Frieda, Mr Hammond's bloods?... You didn't *drink* them, did you?

[Grace, Connie and Sam's premature baby, is gravely ill and tests have just shown that she is brain-dead. Connie is about to turn off the life-support machine]

Sam Strachan:
I won't let you do it. You can't. Babies aren't like something you buy off the internet. You can't just send it back if it doesn't work properly. But I don't expect you to understand that - that would mean you had the faintest idea of what being a mother was all about.

Faye Morton:
Jac! She's getting bigger and bigger by the day. I wonder what state the father's in. He must have been anaesthetised!

Faye Morton:
You know, the more I think about it, I just can't imagine the father. Can you?

Joseph Byrne:
I should think he's well off the scene by now. If he's got any sense.

Faye Morton:
If he'd had any sense, he wouldn't have gone there in the first place. I wonder what she's going to call it.

Joseph Byrne:
Mephistopheles, I should think.

Faye Morton:
Jacula.

Joseph Byrne:
Jac the Nipper.

[in the operating theatre]

Dr. Keith Greene:
This is the woman who took a header round the back of the shop, is it?

Linden Cullen:
She fell off a staircase, yes.

Dr. Keith Greene:
Well you get more and more of her class like that. [slurs] Secret drinkers.

Linden Cullen:
Miss Dighton is not a drinker.

Dr. Keith Greene:
What it is actually is despair - despair at society, despair at youth, despair at health and safety, despair at punctuation. I could go on and I could go on.

[Louise Clifford points at Dan Clifford]

Louise Clifford:
Mr Loftwood - my brother-in-law.

Mr. Ed Loftwood:
Er, oh, I thought for one terrible minute that someone had actually married you, Clifford.

Connie Beauchamp:
Just think of me as the Deity. I... am... everywhere!

[Donna has just returned to work and learned that Jac is about to donate a kidney to her mother]

Donna Jackson:
I don't know what's more shocking: the kidney or the fact that Jac was actually born, not just carved out of an iceberg.

[building work on the new Acute Admissions Unit is almost complete]

Lola Griffin:
They promised us the disruption would be minimal.

[she opens the door to AAU; loud drilling and sawing noises are heard]

Lola Griffin:
[sarcastically] We'll hardly know they're here!