How I Met Your Mother

Barney:
It's going to be legendary!

Ted:
Don't say that! You're too liberal with the word "legendary".

[flashback to Barney standing at Ted's door in snow gear with a shovel]

Barney:
We're building an igloo in Central Park! It's going to be legendary! Snow-suit up!

Marshall:
I think we're going to wait on the baby thing. I mean I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms and stuff. But, uh, they make you old. Kinda like this anchor weighing you down to one spot... forever.

Claire:
I'm three months pregnant.

Marshall:
[surprised] Not awkward, guys. Not awkward if we don't let it be awkward. [nervously smiles, then walks away]

Barney:
Elbert "Ickey" Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91. Your 1,525 rushing yards and 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. So, Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse!

Barney:
Was that chick at the end really a client?

Barney:
Suit up!

Ted:
I gota' do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the leap... Not a perfect metaphor, i'll admit... for me it's fall in love amd get married and for him it's... death.

Barney:
Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.

Ted:
Can we maybe scoop stuffing for a while?

Barney:
You wanna scoop stuffing on your first day? [sarcastically makes phone with his hands and holds it to his ear] Hello, NFL, can I be quarterback next Sunday?

Barney:
Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.

Marshall:
Doo-doo! [laughs]

Barney:
[chuckles] Totally.

Ted:
At least someone appreciates the fact that I am doing and not thinking.

[pause]

Ted:
And now, I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.

Lily:
You're playing hockey. With a basketball... and tennis rackets?

Marshall:
It's BaskIceball, the greatest game ever. We invented it. it's Awesome!

Lily:
Wait, BaskIceball? shouldn't it be Iceketball?

Marvin Eriksen Sr.:
Ice... Ket... ball? that just sounds weird.

Marcus Eriksen:
The game is BaskIceball. And I'm the best.

Lily:
Well, maybe that's just cause you haven't seen *me* play.

[Lily throws the basketball to Marcus who throws it back to Marshall]

Marshall:
Well, it's not exactly a sport for girls.

Lily:
Well, that's funny cause your brother throws like a girl! [Lily throws the ball back to Marcus]

[Marcus throws the ball hard and hits Lily in the face]

Lily:
Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?

Barney:
Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be *legendary*. Phone-five! [slaps cell-phone] You didn't phone-five, did you? [pause] I know when you don't phone-five Ted.

Marshall:
I'm not a gay pirate, I have sex with my parrot all the time!

[there is an awkward silence] OK, that came out wrong.

Ted:
You're not... Moby, are you?

Not Moby:
Who?

Ted:
The recording artist, Moby.

Not Moby:
Oh, no.

Ted:
Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?

Not Moby:
Oh, I thought you said Tony.

Ted:
So your name's Tony?

Not Moby:
No.

Lily:
[Lily sees Barney hitting on Claudia] Oh, hell. No! [grabs Barney by the ear and yanks him away from Claudia] Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard until your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.

Barney:
[confused] Wait... my eyes? Or my testicles?

Lily:
[pause, thinks about it] One of each!

Barney:
Haaaaave you met Ted?

Barney:
It's gonna be legen... wait for it... dary!

Barney:
It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!

Barney:
What's that left hand? Right hand suck? Word!

Barney:
What's that? Self five? Nice! We out!

Ted:
So, who are we picking up?

Barney:
I dunno... her? Or maybe her...

Ted:
Wait, so when you said we were going to pick someone up at the airport, you meant we were going to *pick someone up* at the airport?

Barney:
Yeah...

Ted:
You're kidding!

Barney:
False!

Ted:
Hey Barney, see that girl?

Barney:
Ohhh yeah, you just know she likes it dirty!

Barney:
Moist. [repeated during Barney's play to get back at Lily]

[repeated line]

Ted:
[whenever Marshall and Lily talk about having sex] Please don't.

[repeated line]

Ranjit:
Hello!

[repeated line]

Lily:
You son of a b*tch!

[repeated line]

Barney:
Challenge accepted!

Barney:
Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro-I'm Broda!

Lily:
[Being handed a drink at the Farhampton Inn] Thank you, Linus.

[repeated reference]

Barney:
banging Ted's mom

[repeated reference]

Marshall:
slap bet

[repeated line throughout season 9]

Barney:
Ring bear

Robin Scherbatsky:
Ring bear-er

[repeated line]

Ranjit:
Pulling over

[repeated line]

Marshall:
Lawyered!

[repeated reference]

Ted:
red cowboy boots

Marshall Eriksen:
That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.

Mickey Aldrin:
Well, I'm just trying to help...

Marshall Eriksen:
We don't need your help!

Stripper Lily:
[Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians] We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?

Robin Scherbatsky:
[thought] Please God, no!

Barney Stinson:
[thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore!

Butterfly Knife:
[thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.

Kevin:
[thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

Barney Stinson:
Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...

Ted Mosby:
Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.

Barney Stinson:
I'm your two best friends!

Barney Stinson:
Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!

Ted Mosby:
It's like when they canceled Party Of Five for the second time. [pause] I mean when they canceled - [searching for something manly to say] sports.

Kevin:
Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Something terrible happened...

Kevin:
Are they okay? Are they in the hospital?

Barney Stinson:
No, somewhere much, much worse...

Marshall Eriksen:
Long Island!

Mickey Aldrin:
This lamp absolutely can not be here.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Annoyed] Why not?

Mickey Aldrin:
It blocks my view of the widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda work-outs.

Lily Aldrin:
Isn't she a little old dad?

Mickey Aldrin:
You didn't see her when I was a kid. In my mind, she'll always be fifty-four.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Sitting at the booth without Marshall and Lily] Look at what's become of our booth.

Ted Mosby:
Looks like my old shop teachers hand - just sort of missing something.

Barney Stinson:
As new group leader, I say we do something we never would have done with Marshall and Lily here. Remember that amazing idea I had that one time?

Barney Stinson:
[Title says "Every night since 2005] Let's go to a strip club.

Lily Aldrin:
Nope.

Barney Stinson:
[Back to present] So, what do you guys say? Let's declare your Independence with a on-the-pen-dance. [Gets silence] on-the-pen-dance.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yeah, we got it.

Marshall Eriksen:
We've got no cell reception. I wanted to call Ted. This feels weird; the last time I lived this far from him was my semster abroad.

Lily Aldrin:
You never did a semester abroad?

Marshall Eriksen:
That's what I called it when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.

Narrator:
A while back we discovered the most amazing thing: Lily had a doppelganger who was a Russian stripper

Barney Stinson:
Look at her Ted: she's just like old less-good Lily, but instead of bossing us around, she shows us her b*obs. [Moves a hand toward her]

Stripper Lily:
[Slaps his hand] No touching.

Barney Stinson:
Okay, a little bossing us around. I call her Better Lily!

Arvydas:
[about Stripper Lily] Want to touch my girlfriend's b*obs? Fifty bucks.

Barney Stinson:
Wait, Better Lily is dating this behemoth? Sound like anyone you know? That's new Marshall! This is our gang now!

Mickey Aldrin:
[On the intercom while Marshall is walking through the dark house] Hello Mr. Eriksen. From the sound of the wind-chimes I hear you made it to the first floor

Marshall Eriksen:
You know what Mickey, you can save the creepy game-master routine. It's only kind of terrifying me.

Mickey Aldrin:
Oh, but the game has just begun. I call it "try not to bang into all the furniture and stuff on the way to the fuse box in the basement. Marshall" It's just all working title.

Ted Mosby:
[Drunk] Who needs Marshall and Lily. We have a new gang and we're all gonna hang out together forever.

Stripper Lily:
My shift is done. Good-bye.

Barney Stinson:
Wait, stop! Technically this song's not over, so we own you. Plus, we're best friends! Where to next?

Arvydas:
We go to underground poker game in mostly abandoned insane asylum.

Barney Stinson:
Yes! This is going to be AWESOME. And when it is I want you all to remember who lead you there: Barney Stinson; new gang leader. [Cut to sketchiest poker game ever]

Lily Aldrin:
[Marshall is still wondering around in dark] Marshall! I just remember I saw a box of matches in the drawer next to the trash can.

Marshall Eriksen:
Thanks baby [See Mickey dart around Marshall and take the matches] Lily, I can't find them!

Mickey Aldrin:
[On the inter-com, lights match] Looking for these? [laughs evilly] Oh right, you can't see me. I'm burning the matches you so desperately need [laughs evilly until the match burns to his fingers] Ah! Ooo. Ow!

Mickey Aldrin:
[Watching from his window] That's right Widow Rodriguez; stretch it. Work out those gams. Yeah, grab that left arm, clutch that chest. Fall down really fast... oh my god! Somebody call 911!

Marshall Eriksen:
[after turning the power back on] I did it!

Mickey Aldrin:
No, Marshall. *You* did it.

Marshall Eriksen:
You got nothing on me.

Barney Stinson:
The calzone?

Marshall Eriksen:
Checkmate.

Ted Mosby:
[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby, Robin's new boyfriend, is missing from the apartment] Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Got out? What do you mean?

Ted Mosby:
He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.

Marshall Eriksen:
It wasn't me!

Lily Aldrin:
Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!

Ted Mosby:
He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!

Marshall Eriksen:
I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

Lily Aldrin:
Oooh, Barney's got feelings for a girl.

Barney Stinson:
Yeah, penis feelings!

Barney Stinson:
Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel, because she's got brothers.

Lily Aldrin:
Scooby, we're in our thirties, we don't smoke sandwiches anymore.

Ted Mosby:
Sandwich brownies?

Lily Aldrin:
Okay!

Barney Stinson:
Never ever meet a girl's parents.

Ted Mosby:
Not even if she is hot?

Barney Stinson:
Not even if her mom's hot!

Nora:
I'm sorry I've been trying not to stare at your chest all night.

Barney Stinson:
Hahaha, what's that like?

Dr. Kirby:
[Reading Barney's heart monitor] What happened at 8:46 PM last night.?

Barney Stinson:
Well let's see, Wheel of Fortune, naked push ups, naked chin ups... oh I was at dinner.

Nora:
[At dinner] Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.

Barney Stinson:
Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked... unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?

Nora:
I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

Dr. Kirby:
I'd like you to wear this heart monitor for the next twenty-four hours,

Barney Stinson:
Flag on the play, doc, I have a date tonight!

Dr. Kirby:
Don't worry, it's totally safe. Unless part of your big date involves connecting yourself to a car battery.

Barney Stinson:
Well now it doesn't.

Marshall Eriksen:
I'm not really comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law teacher.

Barney Stinson:
Who would you rather have grading your paper? A savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty?

Marshall Eriksen:
Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.

Hammond Druthers:
[about the model trees Ted made] Too green.

Ted Mosby:
Too green?

Hammond Druthers:
I want them to be more of a natural brown color. Almost a brunette. Also, they need to be bushier.

Ted Mosby:
Bushier?

Hammond Druthers:
I want this tower to emerge from a thicket of unkempt brunette shrubbery. Can you picture it, Ted?

Ted Mosby:
I can't unpicture it.

Ted Mosby:
I thought you said it was going to be a piece of cake. I remember, because you were eating a piece of cake at the time, and you said, "My class is going to be this."

Robin Scherbatsky:
To Ted, the youngest architect ever to design a building over 70 stories... probably!

[in Barney's hospital room]

Professor Lewis:
Mr. Eriksen, hello. Oh, I graded your paper tonight. I was [looking at the injured Barney] pleasantly surprised.

Barney Stinson:
Yeah, she was.

Professor Lewis:
B+.

Barney Stinson:
B+? Marshal, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physiotherapy, I am gonna get you that A.

Marshall Eriksen:
Let her go. She belongs out there. In the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar... and lived.

Barney Stinson:
It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides.

Barney Stinson:
I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance.

Professor Lewis:
Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I wanna do when I get home.

Barney Stinson:
But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you. Holding back 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. This time, no mercy. I don't care how long it takes, days, weeks, half a year.

Professor Lewis:
Fine, come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers.

Barney Stinson:
I think I'm falling in love with you.

Professor Lewis:
Oh, God, that wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot.

Barney Stinson:
No, we had sex yesterday.

Professor Lewis:
Oh, right, that. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.

Barney Stinson:
C-? What are you talking about? I pulled an all-nighter.

Professor Lewis:
You didn't budget your time well. You glossed over some of the most important points. And your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.

Barney Stinson:
[in Italian accent] Scusi. I am Luigi, Italian exchange student. I was, um, walking to class, but then I notice you, bella principessa.

Professor Lewis:
Tell me what you want and get out.

Barney Stinson:
Direct, I like that. The name's Barney. What I want... is you.

Professor Lewis:
Turn around. [after Barney turns around] My place, two hours, don't be tardy.

Barney Stinson:
[Examining Marshall's law professor outside her office] Okay, let's take a look. Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. A prime specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now, the blouse. [Points to the professor's low-cut top]

Barney Stinson:
The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. You're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws? [Points to her long nails] Long and sharp, to ward off rival females... Or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut. Okay, let the hunt begin.

[after Marshal infers his professor is tough on her grades because she needs to get laid]

Barney Stinson:
Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.

Marshall Eriksen:
I didn't challenge you to have sex with...

Barney Stinson:
Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

Ted Mosby:
Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Lily's going to be our new office assistant.

Hammond Druthers:
Ah.

Lily Aldrin:
Nice to meet you.

Hammond Druthers:
Isn't it?

Marshall Eriksen:
My professor's like, the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.

Barney Stinson:
[perking up] Really? Laid, you say?

Marshall Eriksen:
You wouldn't be into her. She's, like, in her late 40s.

Barney Stinson:
She hot?

Marshall Eriksen:
Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah.

Barney Stinson:
And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.

Robin Scherbatsky:
A what?

Barney Stinson:
A cougar. An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.

Ted Mosby:
What's a woman in her 60s or 70s? A turtle?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design. And it doesn't look at all like male genitalia. [pauses briefly] At least, not healthy male genitalia.

Lily Aldrin:
Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Then he stared at me until I laughed.

Ted Mosby:
Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.

Lily Aldrin:
Oh. You know what, Ted? That was very nice. You have earned these screws back. [Gives him a handful of screws] Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[about Lily taking things from people who act mean] Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about that time at the Gap?

Lily Aldrin:
Oh, that was a good one. This sales guy was rude to Robin, so I took a pair of khakis.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[to Ted] I gave them to you for your birthday.

Ted Mosby:
So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?

Lily Aldrin:
I prefer to call them "justice khakis."

Ted Mosby:
That's not justice. It's shoplifting, and it's a crime.

Lily Aldrin:
So is being mean.

Hammond Druthers:
Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note. [Reads] "Dear Mr. Druthers,I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, and he may shuffle off at any minute." Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but maybe that's the wrong reaction here.

Lily Aldrin:
[to Ted] Interesting

Hammond Druthers:
Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing three people an hour. And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose - major league baseball's all-time hit leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is a travesty to the entire sports world - ever "allegedly" did!

Narrator:
Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane. They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured the distinct flavor and history of the northwest.

Hammond Druthers:
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Spokane national bank building. [Shows the model]

Bank President:
That's a penis!

Hammond Druthers:
That's... that's ridiculous. There's no way this majestic tower can be confused with the male organ of love.

Bank President:
We're not building a penis. You got any other ideas?

Hammond Druthers:
Other ideas? You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. This is Hammond Druthers.

Bank President:
[Looks at the building] Well, hats off to your ladyfriends, but I'm not building it.

Ted Mosby:
[after Lily takes Hammond Druthers' baseball] Give him his ball back right now. People are going to get fired!

Lily Aldrin:
No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time.

Ted Mosby:
This isn't kindergarten. Mr Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back.

Lily Aldrin:
All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.

Ted Mosby:
No. You'll give it back or you're fired

Lily Aldrin:
I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that.

Ted Mosby:
Then you're fired.

Lily Aldrin:
Fine. Here's the ball. At least you have one now.

Barney:
[girls talking about penis size] How can you speak of such things?

Lily:
You kidding? Barney every time I mentionned a woman you don t know, the first thing you say is : "b*obs?". Not the complete sentence like : "Does she have big b*obs?" which also will not be great but just "b*obs?"

Barney:
I do not do that!

Lily:
my friend Lori from work...

Barney:
B*obs?... Damn it

Barney:
Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it... I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!

Barney:
Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.

Ted Mosby:
New is always better?

Barney:
Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

Barney:
Because new is always better.

Ted Mosby:
And this theory applies to everything?

Barney:
Everything.

Ted Mosby:
So, those new Star Wars movies... Those are better than the old ones?

Barney:
Yeah. The first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law.

Ted Mosby:
And when you're at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're like, "yeah, yeah, Paradise City, whatever. When are they gonna rock me some Chinese democracy"?

Barney:
Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted.

Ted Mosby:
I can't do this if it means tearing down the Arcadian. It's an architectural landmark. Plus, people live there. How does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents to just up and leave?

Barney:
Snakes.

Ted Mosby:
Did you just say snakes?

Barney:
I don't recall saying snakes.

Ted Mosby:
Did GNB really put snakes in the Arcadian?

Barney:
No. Technically they were eggs.

Ted Mosby:
Did you just say eggs?

Barney:
I don't recall saying eggs.

Barney:
Don't you get it, Ted? We're tearing down the Arcadian either way. It's a stupid old piece of crap, run down, snake infested dump!

Ted Mosby:
Ok, are there or aren't there snakes?

Barney:
Who mentioned snakes! And stop shouting, you're scaring Cottontail.

Ted Mosby:
This wouldn't work. Zoey, the Arcadian was really great building once, but it's falling apart and full of snakes.

Zoey Pierson:
Snakes?

Ted Mosby:
I don't recall snakes, thanks.

Marshall Eriksen:
How's it going with Robin?

Max:
I think I have to break up with her.

Marshall Eriksen:
Why?

Barney:
*You* with *her*?

Max:
Yeah, well, there's this kind of weird thing she likes to do in the bedroom. It just makes me uncomfortable.

Barney:
I get it.

Ted Mosby:
Yeah, that is not for everyone!

Marshall Eriksen:
What's not for everyone? [Everyone looks at him awkwardly] Guys, come on! What is it?

Max:
Come on, bro! It's the locker-room!

Barney Stinson:
[inching along at about 1 mph] This isn't right... God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.

Ted Mosby:
Relax, you're doing great. Ignore the old lady on the Rascal; this isn't a race.

Barney Stinson:
*Guh* Dude! A dog!

Ted Mosby:
Zitch-dog! Yes! One-Nothing.

Barney Stinson:
Crap! Whaddo I do? Tell me what to do, Ted.

Ted Mosby:
Step on the brake... Some time in the next twenty minutes...

Barney Stinson:
Which... Which one's the brake again?

Ted Mosby:
The left one.

Barney Stinson:
Left. Left. Oh man, left. I'm totally blanking!

Ted Mosby:
Just make the "L's" with your hands.

Barney Stinson:
Ooooh! We're not gonna make it!

[Radio turns on]

Barney Stinson:
Wah!

Ted Mosby:
Why did you just turn on the radio?

Barney Stinson:
I DON'T KNOW WHY I TURNED ON THE RADIO! We're gonna die, tell me what to do Ted!

Ted Mosby:
Relax, you're being crazy!

Barney Stinson:
Help me Ted!

Ted Mosby:
Stop, drop, and roll.

Barney Stinson:
Be serious! Stop, drop and roll? Just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do!

Ted Mosby:
Throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip. Screaming is fun! Screaming is fuuuuuuun!

[Both scream]

Barney Stinson:
Uh! I cant move. I can't... I can't feel my... Uh... We're okay...

Ted Mosby:
We're okay.

Barney Stinson:
It's a MIRACLE, Ted!

Ted Mosby:
[Marshall asks Ted if he can give him a ride from Ohio to college] First of all, my parents live in Ohio. I live in the moment.

Ted Mosby:
Barney Stinson, Buckle-up!

Lily Aldrin:
So you made a life changing decision to not change your life at all.

Barney Stinson:
True story.

Barney Stinson:
How's the Fiero?

Marshall Eriksen:
She's still in triage.

Ted Mosby:
Wait a minute, she? I thought it was your little boy.

Lily Aldrin:
It goes back and forth. It's like a trannie car.

Ted Mosby:
That trip is when Marshall and I became best friends.

Barney Stinson:
With privileges, from the sound of it.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Sounds like you had quite an accident.

Ted Mosby:
Actually, two accidents, if you count...

Barney Stinson:
Homina, homina, homina!

Mechanic:
What a wonderful car. Can I crush it into a little cube yet?

Marshall Eriksen:
Arrivederci, Fiero. You were the freakin' Giving Tree of cars.

Lily Aldrin:
May you rust in peace.

Barney Stinson:
Rot in Hell, devil steed.

Lily Aldrin:
[after spilling food in the car] Marshall's going to kill me! This and the difference between "affect" and "effect" are the only two things he's serious about.

Marshall Eriksen:
Hey, light up those cigars in the glove compartment [Ted opens the glove compartment] They're real Cubans. I got them in Chinatown last year just for this moment.

Ted Mosby:
Marshall, I'm not saying you were definitely ripped off but these are chopsticks wrapped in napkins.

Marvin Eriksen Jr.:
Okay, the Fiero is yours [Marshall makes a grab for the keys]

Marcus Eriksen:
...If you pass the final test

Marshall Eriksen:
Come on! I've already shaved my legs and swallowed five dollars in quarters - only 4.50 has come out...

Drive Thru Attendant:
Just go to the Wiener Burger drive-through and get us 12 cups of coffee.

Marshall Eriksen:
That's it?

Marcus Eriksen:
Oh yeah. But we get to decide what you wear.

Marshall Eriksen:
Agreed! Totally agreed!

Drive Thru Attendant:
[Marshall pulls up to the drive-through window] You're naked.

Marshall Eriksen:
I'm aware of that.

Ted Mosby:
Remember the 100K fiasco?

Marshall Eriksen:
Ah, the Fiero-asco.

Ted Mosby:
Dude, I told you that doesn't work; it's the 100K fiasco.

Ted Mosby:
[after Marshall asks Ted if he wants a ride home with him] Karen and I haven't seen each other since Thanksgiving and we're both really invested in making this long distance thing work.

Marshall Eriksen:
Well, call me if you change your mind; my odometer is going to hit 100K.

Ted Mosby:
Nah, she'd be so bummed if I left early.

Ted Mosby:
[Later, in the Fiero] It was totally mutual. I mean, Karen brought it up first, but I... it was totally mutual.

Marshall Eriksen:
I hear ya.

Ted Mosby:
Yeah, you wanna play zitch-dog?

Marshall Eriksen:
What?

Ted Mosby:
It's a car game. Every time you see a dog, you gotta be the first one to say "Zitch-dog!" I'm pretty good so...

Marshall Eriksen:
Zitch-dog

Ted Mosby:
Ah... no, I didn't know we had started. But... okay, that's cool you got the first point.

Ted Mosby:
[Narrating the story of his and Marshall's road trip] Then Marshall; who was so busy cheating at Zitch-dog got us totally lost.

Marshall Eriksen:
Where the hell are we?

Marshall Eriksen:
[Narrating] Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I think you skipped something.

Barney Stinson:
Really? Seems impossible

Ted Mosby:
[Back to the road trip] Hey, we got some time. What dpoyou say we get off the highway; take the road less traveled... ya know? Robert Frost.

Marshall Eriksen:
Doesn't seem like a smart idea.

Ted Mosby:
Too late, I'm taking this exit... who's not fun enough now Karen.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Narrating] *Then* we got lost.

Barney Stinson:
Give it a week. You'll get her back. And her front. Oh! Did you feel that? It felt like a what-up quake.

Marshall Eriksen:
He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.

Barney Stinson:
That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it.

Robin Scherbatsky:
A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats.

Marshall Eriksen:
That is...

Barney Stinson:
A big, fat check!

Ted Mosby:
Yeah, he didn't write me a check.

Barney Stinson:
Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper to pay me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket. Challenge accep... wait for it... [Points at Ted]

Ted Mosby:
I don't get it. [Barney points to head in "think about it" gesture] Oh, accep-ted!

Marshall Eriksen:
Are you kidding me? Robin is a pretty girl. Pretty girls don't get tickets. Bet Robin been pulled over thousand of times and not once getting a ticket.

Robin Scherbatsky:
That is outrageous!... and factual.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[after Barney's story of how a female officer stripped for him] No, false! Did not happen!

Marshall Eriksen:
That was a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.

Barney Stinson:
When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is that my life has better lighting?

Ted Mosby:
Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have... What I thought for a second you and I had... What I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, I wait for it to happen and... I guess I'm just... I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.

Stella Zinman:
You know that once I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

Ted Mosby:
Really?

Stella Zinman:
I was heading upstate to my parents' house and was doing, like, 90 on this country road and got pulled over. So this cop gets out of his car and he kinda swaggers all over and he's all, like: "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." So I looked up at him and I said: "I'm so sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could."

Ted Mosby:
For real?

Stella Zinman:
Nah. It's an old joke. I know that you are tired of waiting, and you may have to wait a little while more, but she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Does it smell like strippers in here?

Marshall Eriksen:
[after having sex on the kitchen] That was a creative use of pancake syrup.

Lily Aldrin:
I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye.

Barney Stinson:
Ah, AC. Always in decline, never hitting bottom. It's good to be back, old friend.

Lily Aldrin:
That's a very cute dress.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Oh, thank you.

Lily Aldrin:
It has to come off. I'm getting married. You can't look better than the bride.

Registrar:
You are aware that this is not Las Vegas.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Tell me about it. In Vegas casinos pump in oxygen. Here, most guests bring their own.

Marshall Eriksen:
I don't get it. Hundreds of people get married in Atlantic City all the time.

Registrar:
Yes, but not to elope. They come for the white, sandy beaches, world-class amenities and Riviera-like ambience.

Lily Aldrin:
Are you kidding me? Have you been outside?

Ted Mosby:
There is half a rotting orca whale not ten feet from our room.

Marshall Eriksen:
Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.

Receptionist:
Aaww... I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!

Lily Aldrin:
Really?

Receptionist:
Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.

Lily Aldrin:
Oh, so can we see a judge?

Receptionist:
Absolutely!

Lily Aldrin:
Really?

Receptionist:
Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?

Receptionist:
Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Really?

Receptionist:
Is what I would say...

Marshall Eriksen:
[Interrupting] You know what? We get it.

Narrator:
When they called off their first wedding, Aunt Lily took off for San Francisco leaving Uncle Marshall with the unfortunate task of telling his entire family.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Flashback, Marshall's] Yeah, so now she's gone and the wedding's off. What do you call someone who just takes off and leaves like that? What do you call that? I think that that's a little strong. I can't even believe you would use a word like that. Geez, Grandma.

Barney Stinson:
Uh, if there were any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would have been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Barney Stinson:
All right, let's talk bachelor party. Are we thinking full-on strip club, or should we rent a room and have a private toy show?

Ted Mosby:
What did you just say?

Marshall Eriksen:
Barney, no.

Barney Stinson:
Marshall, I'm your best man.

Marshall Eriksen:
You're not my best man.

Ted Mosby:
Right here.

Barney Stinson:
And as your best man, I have to throw you a bachelor party. That's part of being a best friend.

Marshall Eriksen:
You're not my best friend.

Ted Mosby:
Right here.

Barney Stinson:
[after Barney reveals to the judge that Marshall and Lily broke up over the summer] What? We're under oath.

Ted Mosby:
No, we're not.

Barney Stinson:
Yeah, we are. He's a judge.

Ted Mosby:
Wh - Did we take an oath? Do you even know what an oath is?

Barney Stinson:
Uh, yeah. Courthouse. Oath. We're under it.

Narrator:
[about the game Shing Hasabu Shing] Now, I had been to a lot of casinos before that night, and I've been to a lot of casinos since, but in all that time I've never seen a game quite like this one. To this day, I have no idea how it was played. But luckily, Barney did.

Lily Aldrin:
Do you understand what's happening?

Ted Mosby:
Not a clue.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Do you think he's winning?

Ted Mosby:
I don't even know if he's playing.

Marshall Eriksen:
Wait, I get it. I understand this game.

Ted Mosby:
No, you don't.

Marshall Eriksen:
I totally understand the game, Theodore. Barney, split your tiles. You can triple your money if you find the jellybean.

Barney Stinson:
Marshall, please. Don't you think I know what I'm... My God, you're right.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?

Barney Stinson:
No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. [turns to leave]

Barney Stinson:
Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.

Barney Stinson:
Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got the string you've got the cans.

Marshall Eriksen:
Hey, Barney, that prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's ten thirty in the morning I don't really need to see a lady get naked and dance.

Barney Stinson:
Oh Esther gets naked, but she doesn't dance... That WAS my card!

Robin Scherbatsky:
[about Ted dating Becky] Ted, of all the women in New York, you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl?

Ted Mosby:
Not what it sounds like, folks.

Marshall Eriksen:
How come the creepy kid in a horror movie is always a girl? Or twin girls, who speak in unison.

Lily Aldrin:
What about Chucky?

Marshall Eriksen:
A, he was a doll. B, he was possessed by an adult serial killer, and C, how could you bring up Chucky right before bed?

Barney:
Alright, fine the stripper at Stuart's bachelor party was a fifteen.

Ted:
She was fifteen?

Barney:
A fifteen, like in Blackjack.

Ted:
As in not sure whether or not you should hit it?

Barney:
Exactly.

Ted:
Niice.

Marshall Eriksen:
It's my bachelor party. We're not having strippers.

Barney:
Ahhhh, he thinks he has a say in it. So, strippers it is!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Hey Barney, look what I got Lily for her shower. It's kinda racy, think you can handle it?

Barney:
Uh, I've been in a ten-way, so yeah.

Ted:
We love naked women. Naked women are among the best things in the world. It goes naked women, democracy, that scene in Every Which Way But Loose where the monkey gives the finger.

Ted:
Barney, I want you to promise me. No strippers.

Barney:
Okay, I promise.

[Winks]

Ted:
I'm serious. No strippers.

Barney:
So am I. No strippers.

[Winks]

Ted:
Now say it without winking.

Barney:
No strippers.

[Winks]

Ted:
You just winked.

Barney:
No, I didn't.

[Winks]

Marshall Eriksen:
[watching videos that Barney brought for the bachelor party] Whoa, Morgan Freeman? He really is in everything.

Barney:
Oh, damn. I grabbed the wrong "Deep Impact".

Marshall Eriksen:
[after the stripper breaks her ankle] Now we'll have to spend my bachelor party in the hospital.

Barney:
Then we'll see her X-rays. The ultimate stripping. X-rays? More like triple-X-rays.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Hey, Barney, check out what I got Lily for her shower. It's kind of racy. Think you can handle it?

Barney:
Uh, I've been in a tenway, so yeah.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[holds out a minimal dress] It's kind of see-through.

Barney:
Woah-ho-ho! You weren't kidding. You know when you should give that to her? 1850!

Barney:
Okay, Ted, you won.

Ted:
[sees a stripper, even though they didn't hire one]

Barney:
You are one pathetic loser.

Barney:
[knocks on Lily's aparment door in San Francisco in a flashback. Lily opens] Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Barney, what are you doing here? I can't believe it's really you. Come in. Have a seat. You want some tea? I know the apartment's small, I don't need much space. Let me show you some of my paintings, I think it's some of my best work ever..." Just stop it! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something that most people search their whole lives for, and never find. I know you love him, and if you knew what he was going through right now, you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know, and it won't be long until someone else realizes that, and you'll lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening. And I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it to the nail, this trip never happened.

Barney Stinson:
[about Ted's crazy girlfriend] Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

Lily Aldrin:
You took my infant child to a strip club?

Robin Scherbatsky:
It was just topless!

Barney Stinson:
Crazy girls are crazy because they're crazy.

Marshall Eriksen:
I'll give my dad a call after Dr. Stengal gives me the thumbs up.

Ted Mosby:
Ew! He has to do that?

Lily Aldrin:
[Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile] Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.

Marshall Eriksen:
I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.

Barney Stinson:
Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant - that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

Lily Aldrin:
[to their fertility specialist] We're doing it a lot.

Marshall Eriksen:
And everywhere. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your waiting- [Cuts off]... the kitchen.

Lily Aldrin:
This is bad news; this is like a black cat walked through my uterus.

Marshall Eriksen:
I'm freaking out, is there a chance I won't be able to have kids? I've been hit in the nuts a lot.

Marshall Eriksen:
Tell him that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? I don't even know how to have that conversation.

Barney Stinson:
I'll show you. Dad, uh there's something I need to tell you. It's going to come as a bit of a shock. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co Champion.

Marvin Eriksen Sr.:
We love you no matter what. So why don't you get back in that bathroom, pretend you're in high school and "blow dry your hair."

Robin Scherbatsky:
Are they still bagpiping? How long has it been?

Ted Mosby:
They've been at it for six hours It must be that tantric bagpiping Sting is into.

Robin Scherbatsky:
And she keeps telling him to bagpipe her harder. It seems to me he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom, and it's like Jurassic Park in there.

Ted Mosby:
Hey, up there! You have neighbor! Shut the bagpipe up!

Barney Stinson:
There are so many things to do with the human mouth. Why waste it on talking?

Barney Stinson:
Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and sexually?

Ted Mosby:
Um, I dated her for a year...

Barney Stinson:
Yeah...

Marshall Eriksen:
Lily fights dirty. She's small but vicious, like a badger that your brother starved for four days and then put in your sleeping bag.

Robin Scherbatsky:
So what if we're not the best couple in the world?

Barney Stinson:
Yeah. It's not like it's a competition. [Meanwhile, in Lily and Marshall's appartment]

Lily Aldrin:
We win!

Marshall Eriksen:
[Pops open bottle of champagne] Best couple in the world!

Barney Stinson:
Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. Ted, you're gonna stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily. And Robin, I'm gonna need you in some sort of a crouching position in the bear-skinned rug of our skiing chalet. Ready? Break!

Ted Mosby:
I see what's going on. You, my friend, are suffering from a little known condition-"little known" because I just made it up-called New Relationship Smugness.

Barney Stinson:
Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.

Marshall Eriksen:
Awww, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you can play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews Band on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer footrub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but... thanks for your concern, rook'.

Ted Mosby:
I knew you were lying, you gotta wake up pretty early to slip one by the T-Mose

Robin Scherbatsky:
Okay, seriously, stop it.

Barney Stinson:
It's like Gandhi said, "Smile don't cost nothing, sugar."

Barney Stinson:
Your dad has something to say.

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr:
I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. It was wrong of me.

Barney Stinson:
[Thinking he's done talking] There, now Robin...

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr:
[Continues] I know that no mere apology will fix this, and that is why I've asked Carol for a divorce.

Barney Stinson:
What?

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr:
She's heartbroken, understandably. Possibly suicidal...

Barney Stinson:
[to Robin] I did not tell him...

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr:
[Continues, interrupting Barney] But if that's the price for my daughter's love, then I will gladly let Carol pay it.

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr:
This is Barney? This man is blonde. Grown men are not blonde!

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr:
You really should respond to my friend request. I post a lot of great stuff. You familiar with memes? There's a cat that says, "I can has cheeseburger?"

Ted Mosby:
I am happy for them.

Lily Aldrin:
Is all you let yourself say out loud. Because if you said anything to the contrary, well, then that would make you the most awful person on this rooftop. So I'm gonna give you an out.

Ted Mosby:
And how are you gonna do that?

Lily Aldrin:
By saying something that is even more awful.

Ted Mosby:
Like what?

Lily Aldrin:
[starts crying] Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom. Sometimes I wanna pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night and not come back.

Ted Mosby:
[pauses] Robin shouldn't be with Barney, she should be with me. [pauses again while they sit down] Are you serious?

Lily Aldrin:
I don't know. I mean, I love being a mom, I-I love Marvin so much. But you remember when I wanted to be an artist? Art was my whole life, and... and now it's been months since I've even picked up a brush. I-I spend the whole day taking care of kids in my job, and I come home, and it's more of the same, and it's just... it never lets up. It's just really, really hard, Ted.

Ted Mosby:
Have you talked to Marshall about how you feel?

Lily Aldrin:
Have you talked to Robin about how you feel?

Ted Mosby:
[sighs] Fair enough.

Lily Aldrin:
I think we just have to accept our lots in life, and... I have to be a mom to a beautiful, wonderful, if slightly constipated little boy, and you have to let Robin and Barney get a band.

Lily Aldrin:
Well, well, well. Here comes the bride. Now the annoying part, right; planning the wedding. So not fun, right?

Robin Scherbatsky:
I don't know, I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Lily Aldrin:
Fine, I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date.

Ted Mosby:
May 25th, 2013.

Lily Aldrin:
Thank you, Ted. The ladies are talking.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Actually, that is the date. Ted offered to help with a planning a little. And well, uh. [Ted takes out a binder]

Lily Aldrin:
That's a big binder.

Ted Mosby:
Oh, this. This is just cakes. Anyways, we are having the ceremony at that beautiful little church on Long Island where Victoria almost got married. Lovely spot. And then we are gonna have the reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. Oh, and the colors are cream and lilac.

Lily Aldrin:
[Jumps at Ted] Imma cut you, b*tch!

Narrator:
[Talking about Robin] I made a pretty strong case that night, but in the end, she didn't want a DJ, she wanted a band. And guess what happened?

[Cut to four months later]

Ted Mosby:
...That's right, the band cancelled at the last minute, just like I said they would. The wedding is in a week and no bands. When will people realize I always know what's what?

Cindy:
He says to the lesbian he dated for a month.

Ted Mosby:
That's a fair point. Anyways, you guys wouldn't happen to know of any good wedding bands available at the last minute, would you?

Casey:
Ted, do you believe in destiny?

Ted Mosby:
You really don't know me, do you?

Cindy:
We just had brunch with my ex-roommate.

Ted Mosby:
The bass player?

Cindy:
No, she's not just a bass player, she's a bass player in the best wedding band in the Tri-state area. They had a gig lined up for this weekend, but it just fell through this morning.

Casey:
You, my friend, are gonna save that wedding.

Ted Mosby:
Do you know any DJs?

Cindy:
Dude! Come on!

Casey:
Let it go bro, just let it go.

Ted Mosby:
All right, all right, all right. Well, I guess it's a lucky thing I ran into you guys.

Narrator:
And kids, "lucky" doesn't even begin to describe it, because if Robin and Barney had taken my stupid advice and hired a DJ, I never would have met your mother.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Changing Marvin's diaper] Oh, still clean. What's that little buddy, you're smiling? [Confetti sprays all over Marshall]

Narrator:
Kids, it wasn't confetti.

Lily Aldrin:
Holy confetti!

Robin Scherbatsky:
This is, like the fifteenth time my dad has sent me a friend request. I'm just gonna hit "accept".

Ted Mosby:
No!

Marshall Eriksen:
No, no, no, no, no! Don't do it, Robin. You don't want to see what's behind that door.

Robin Scherbatsky:
What are you talking about?

Ted Mosby:
He's talking about my mom's 2000-word review of Fifty Shades of Grey. And 14 of those words were "vulva".

Marshall Eriksen:
You're gonna get endless requests to play some game that has something to do with gangsters or farming.

Lily Aldrin:
Never mind the embarrassing cheerleading photos from highschool.

Marshall Eriksen:
Begged my mom to burn those.

Barney Stinson:
You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in pizza.

The Mother:
This is my band. I started it. And if anyone is getting fired here, it's you, Darren. So hit the bricks, s-skunk... junk. [to Linus] Is that even a little bit intimidating?

Linus:
Nope, and the knitting's not helping.

The Mother:
I'm sorry, I just met this baby and he needs a hat.

Linus:
What? You can't fire Darren. He gets how hilarious and adorable I am. Plus it is so inspiring how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda.

The Mother:
Gah! It's Finding Nemo. That's new. There's no defeating the devil. New plan. Linus, if at any point tonight you see me with an empty glass...

Linus:
Kennedy package. It's a very popular choice this weekend. [Hands The Mother her drink]

The Mother:
Thank you, Linus.

Marshall Eriksen:
At the reception, I'll yell, "The lead singer sucks skunk junk" after every song. I'll come up with something better than "skunk junk". No, no, "skunk junk" is pretty solid.

The Mother:
You can't yell that at the lead singer because I don't suck skunk junk.

[baby Marvin Eriksen is heard to say "skunk junk"]

Marshall Eriksen:
For the record... his first word was "Mommy".

Marshall Eriksen:
[voiceover narration] He rose to go approach this girl who commanded such intrigue, when Mommy interrupted...

Lily Aldrin:
Dude, she's way out of your league! She's not in Daisy Dukes nor squeezed into a Hooters tee, and I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. She's sipping chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. She's not playing with her hair. There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.

Barney Stinson:
Your challenge is accepted, Lil. There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City!

Tuxedo Charlie:
The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line! Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in, so you shall know my East Side debutantes are quite verboten!

Captain Bill:
You all know me, and you all respect my game: I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in Baggage Claim.

Gus:
Uh I've just been handed a news flash. The word "Canada" is unrhymeable. It's easier to - I don't know - get drunk and try to climb a bull. But Canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet and watch their stammerin' stamina as they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence for a shot at repentance, pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants. I've never met anyone who could clean up after Canada. Except my Uncle Tony from the Bronx. He's a janitor.

Barney Stinson:
Thus my friends I have become through methods somewhat gory, the Player King of New York City. Boom. The End. True Story.

Barney Stinson:
The international dateline, that's right new theory. What's that you ask?

Ted Mosby:
Nobody did.

Barney Stinson:
I'll now address your query.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Narrating] Now the age old softball stereotype is just that and nothing more. But as the Yankees got a run, Ted feared he wouldn't score. For the date side of the line is the one we all might guess he's in, they'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a...

Lisa:
Yes, we win!

Gus:
[to Marshall] Forgive me, but but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? You don't tell kids a tale that crass.

Narrator:
...I guess he had a point.

Robin:
Thanksgiving in November... weird.

Robin:
Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving?

Ted:
No, I have to work on Friday. You?

Robin:
I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.

Ted:
Oh, right, I forgot, you guys are weird. You pronounce the word "out" "ouut."

Robin:
You guys are the world leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt, and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.

Ted:
...Your cops are called "mounties."

Ted:
You want a good holiday drink, try his Quanzapolitan.

[about having to do community service after being caught urinating in public]

Barney:
I was unfarely punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.

Ted:
You peed on a church?

Barney:
I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk!

Ted:
[happily] You *are* evil!

Robin:
All is right with the world again.

Marshall:
Well, I'm glad you're safe... Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store?

Barney:
Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.

Ted:
Are you joking?

Barney:
I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.

Robin:
Have you met Ted?

Ted:
I am the aforementioned Ted.

Amanda:
Cool, so what do you do around here?

Ted:
Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing.

Amanda:
Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do.

Ted:
Oh, she's not my girlfriend.

Robin:
I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't enough woman for him. Emotionally... or sexually.

Robin:
[Robin goes up behind Amanda] Oh... my... God.

Barney:
The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.

Marshall:
[Drinks] It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.

Marshall:
I don't want our kids to play BaskIceball. That game's really dangerous!

Lily:
Yeah, what are the rules of that game?

Marshall:
There are no rules, we just wail on each other.

Ted:
[together with Robin sees Barney among the volunteers at a Thanksgiving shelter dinner for the homeless] Barney!

Barney:
Hi, guys!

Ted:
What are you doing here?

Barney:
Just the Lord's work.

Ted:
But you're Satan!

Barney:
Guys! Ok. Look. I don't advertise it but I volunteered here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.

[last lines]

Stripper:
I'm Amber.

Ted:
Oh, I'm Ted.

[Shake hands]

Stripper:
Actually, I'm Tracey.

Ted:
Still Ted.

Narrator:
And that kids is the true story of how I met your mother.

Son, Daughter:
WHAT?

Narrator:
Haha, I'm kidding.

Ted:
Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition.

Barney:
Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus, they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they "share a meal".

Lily:
Oh, Barney.

Lily:
I'm sorry, Native American.

Barney:
Man, it's amazing out there. I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner. [Ted and Robin stare at him] And the way the faces of the less fortunate light up when you give them a hot, nutritious meal, is there a better feeling on earth?

Robin:
Yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. Then you requested a high-five with your foot.

Marshall:
[about where they should raise their future children] Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.

Lily:
Oh, so is New York. [Marshall's family laugh] What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.

Judy Eriksen:
Now that you're going to be a Mrs. Eriksen, I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe. The Eriksen family seven-layer salad.

Lily:
Seven-layer salad? [Judy hands Lily paper with recipe on it]

Lily:
[Reading] Six cups of mayonnaise? That can't be right.

Judy Eriksen:
Oh no, dear, sixteen cups. [Places a large glass cylinder next to Lily] Mayo's in that cabinet.

Barney:
So, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless. You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Damn.

Clerk:
[When Lily is buying a pregnancy test] Happy Thanksgiving.

Lily:
[Upset] Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Eriksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside of me.

Clerk:
You know the Eriksen's?

Lily:
[about why she doesn't fit in in St. Cloud] I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it.

Lily:
[while waiting to look at a pregnancy test] Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father.

Lily:
[Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head] Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.

Marshall:
What does it say?

Lily:
I'm afraid to look.

Policeman:
[Yelling from outside] It's negative.

Lily:
Thank God. [to Pete] And hey!

Marvin Eriksen Sr.:
All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes.

Lily:
You're gonna go play hockey? [Mr. Eriksen tosses a basketball to Marcus] With a basketball?

Marvin Eriksen Sr.:
Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskIceball.

Marshall:
We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world.

Lily:
[Thinks for a second] BaskIceball? Not Iceketball?

Marvin Eriksen Sr.:
Iceketball? Just sounds weird.

Ted:
Hey, Barn, what do you say you let us step in for your scoop stuffing for a little bit?

Barney:
Ha! You wanna scoop stuff on your first day out? [mimes holding a phone to his ear with his hand] "Hello, NFL, can I be quarterback this Sunday?" Dude.

Ted Mosby:
[Seeing Robin eat cereal] That looks good. I'll have some of that.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Sorry. No milk.

Ted Mosby:
But I just saw a carton of milk in the fridge yesterday.

Robin Scherbatsky:
It's empty.

Ted Mosby:
Then throw it away.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Can't. Trashcan's full.

Ted Mosby:
So empty the trash.

Robin Scherbatsky:
I would, but I'm eating cereal.

Barney Stinson:
So I tell her, Madeline, every international conflict esentially boils down to sexual tension.

Ted Mosby:
Every international conflict?

Barney Stinson:
Every single one.

Ted Mosby:
So, the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...?

Barney Stinson:
Gaza strippers. Next!

Ted Mosby:
Apartheid?

Barney Stinson:
Apart thighs. What else you got?

Ted Mosby:
Cold War?

Barney Stinson:
Mrs. Gorbatchov, take down those pants!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Haven't you tried not reading a magazine while "reading a magazine"?

Marshall Eriksen:
You have to read a magazine! That's why there are magazines!

Ted Mosby:
Otherwise, it's just a waste of our time.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Last night, I did it while returning a bunch of phone calls.

Marshall Eriksen:
I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!

Robin Scherbatsky:
By the way, our little arrangement is off.

Barney Stinson:
Oh, that's awes... ful.

Robin Scherbatsky:
What?

Barney Stinson:
That's awesful.

Lily Aldrin:
Are you OK?

Barney Stinson:
Yeah, why do you ask?

Lily Aldrin:
Well, for one thing you're openly weeping.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[about Ted] You know what a romantic he is? He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like...

Barney Stinson:
I love you.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Exactly. He's not like you, you know.

Robin Scherbatsky:
It was weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. W-I-E-R-D. Weird.

Lily Aldrin:
That's not how you spell weird

Robin Scherbatsky:
Come on Lily, nobody likes a Ted.

Barney Stinson:
You two slept together? That is awf - some. Awfsome.

Lily Aldrin:
Barney, you have to learn how to express these feelings. Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist.

Barney Stinson:
Please. If I'm gonna pay so woman $200 an hour to make me feel better, we aren't going to be talking. And we're both going to be on that couch. The woman in this scenario is a prostitute. A dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced, Eastern European...

Lily Aldrin:
I got it.

Barney Stinson:
Can't a bro clean another bro's apartment like bros do?

Ted Mosby:
Name me one bro in the history of bros who has ever done that.

Barney Stinson:
I'll name two: Misters Clean and Belvedere.

Barney Stinson:
[In Lily's kindergarten class]... And then I stormed out. Why did I do that? I mean,maybe it goes back to my father issues,but I basically gave my best friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams. totally sabotaged myself. And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking.

Lily Aldrin:
Get out.

Barney Stinson:
But it's feelings hour and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear. And whoever's holding Feely the Share Bear gets to sit in the share chair.

Lily Aldrin:
Barney,this is not your private therapist's office. These kids have issues to talk about,too,you know. Ben's parents are getting divorced.

Ben:
They are?

Lily Aldrin:
Who wants to do some coloring?

Robin:
I never thought this would be a bad thing, but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough.

Barney:
Slut Up!

Ted:
Lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing.

Lily:
Intense? I have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for two hundred people! Even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of my butt and consume this coffee table, I need you to roll with it, okay?!

Ted:
Wow.

Barney:
And that, my friends, is why you never get your money's worth when you wear jeans to a strip club.

[Lily finds out she can't go into a high school's prom to see a band that she might hire for her wedding]

Barney:
No sweat. We'll just sneak in.

Marshall Eriksen:
We're not sneaking into a high school prom.

Lily:
Yes, we are, it's the only way.

Ted:
You're getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped.

Lily:
It's 9 weeks till the wedding. At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.

Barney:
Well...

Lily:
No, Barney.

Marshall Eriksen:
It is on. It is on! Like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.

Barney:
Hey, what about me? What's my job? What do I get to do?

Lily:
Okay, your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.

Barney:
Lil, you know I can't promise that.

Lily:
Crap! Band! We forgot a band! It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing.

Marshall Eriksen:
Shh! Shh! Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88!

Lily:
Who?

Marshall Eriksen:
The 88. They're this awesome band. They played my law review party. They were found guilty. On three counts of rocking.

Barney:
[When Robin and Lily show him their prom outfits] You look so classy and nice. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go home.

Lily:
Well, we have to get in. I have to see this band, 'cause we have to make a decision by Monday, 'cause I'm getting married in 71 days, and we still don't have...

Robin:
Shh. Sweetie, just focus on one thing at a time, okay? Right now, you just have to dress like a whore and that's it.

Sean:
Hey, uh, you ladies want something to take the edge off? [Passes over a flask]

Robin:
Yeah, what the hell? It's prom. [Drinks] That tastes like cough syrup.

Sean:
Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol. Um, our fake IDs say we're only 20. We didn't realize it till after we bought them.

Robin:
Nerds who aren't good at math? Life's going to be rough, boys.

Lily:
[after Andrew tells her his dreams for after High School] No, you won't accomplish anything you set out to. You'll get a girlfriend the first day of college and you'll give up your independence and you'll never live abroad and you'll wind up old before your time wondering "Whatever happened to my hopes and my dreams?"

Andrew:
Whoa. You really think I'll get a girlfriend?

Scooter:
You're, you're breaking up with me?

Lily:
There's still so much I want to do. I want to travel, live overseas as an artist, maybe have a lesbian relationship. Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain.

Scooter:
I can't believe this. I can change. I can look more like Kurt Cobain.

Scooter:
So big news. I heard from umpire school. I'm in!

Lily:
Oh, disco! I am so happy for you.

Scooter:
You mean happy for us, right, babe?

Lily:
Scooter, you're gonna be an umpire someday.

Scooter:
No, baby. *We're* gonna be an umpire someday.

Barney:
[At the Prom] How did you guys get in here?

Ted:
We just snuck in the back.

Barney:
[Appalled] You just snu... Are you serious? I've been trying to get in here all night. I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks to let me borrow this mascot costume. [Gestures to the Turtle costume he's wearing]

Ted:
But you got in. Slow and steady won the race.

Ted Mosby:
[Barney has just called dibs on a hot girl Ted asked him to make a short glance at. Ted is not amused] You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!

Barney Stinson:
You never called dibs.

Ted Mosby:
Dibs were implied!

Barney Stinson:
"Implied" dibs?

Ted Mosby:
Yeah!

Barney Stinson:
Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea...

Ted Mosby:
[Ted interrupts him] I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.

Barney Stinson:
Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!

Lily Aldrin:
I have read eleven books on conception. I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour, but good for you for not playing with yourself.

Barney Stinson:
Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.

Lily Aldrin:
Whoa, wait. A big package just arrived.

Marshall Eriksen:
Yeah it did!

Lily Aldrin:
No it's a real package, from your dad.

Marshall Eriksen:
Well that's a little weird, but yeah it is!

Ted Mosby:
[about a girl at the bar] She's got her shields up anyway; she's reading a book.

Barney Stinson:
Yeah! At a bar! The book might as well be called Are Ya There Barney? It's Me Horny. That is not what "shields up" looks like. [Enter Robin disheveled] THAT is what "shields up" looks like.

Barney Stinson:
Oh yeah? Be my guest. Fall in love with her, get married. Just know this, when I step up to make my toast as your best man?

Ted Mosby:
Actually Marshall will probably be my...

Barney Stinson:
[Cutting him off] AS YOUR BEST MAN!

Marshall Eriksen:
[Drinking beer] Beer be with you.

Ted Mosby:
And also with you. This is what church has been missing. Dude, you fixed Church!

Marshall Eriksen:
You're welcome, God.

Barney Stinson:
Dude you are so in, a high five doesn't cut it. High Six!

Ted Mosby:
She didn't see us High Six did she?

Robin Scherbatsky:
No.

Barney Stinson:
Good. That was pretty lame.

Ted Mosby:
Yeah, let's never do that again.

Lily Aldrin:
Barney, am I crazy? Marshall talks to his Dad way too much, right?

Barney Stinson:
You don't want my opinion on that.

Lily Aldrin:
Why not?

Barney Stinson:
If I had my Dad's number, I would never not be on the phone with him.

Lily Aldrin:
Wow, Barney, that was really...

Barney Stinson:
[Girl walks by] Whoa, hottie with a body!

Lily Aldrin:
...brief.

Barney Stinson:
It's a sad day in New York, Ted, a sad day indeed. You know what I saw on my way in here? A girl in a sweater. And you know what that means: the season of exposed skin is over, exactly! Gone are the tank-tops, Ted. Gone are the cute little skirts. Gone are the sundresses - the sundresses, Ted! I don't think I can make it another eight months with no sundresses.

Ted Mosby:
Barney, I really - I have to grade these papers

Barney Stinson:
I'm sorry, I'll let you work... But first, a riddle. What piece of women's attire, most stokes a man's desire?

Ted Mosby:
A sundress.

Barney Stinson:
Correct! What light weight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?

Ted Mosby:
I really have to get this done.

Barney Stinson:
Of course, of course. Sundress, by the way.

Robin Scherbatsky:
You sent a wang out and got a wang back.

Lily Aldrin:
It's a booma-wang.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Nice

Lily Aldrin:
Thanks.

Robin Scherbatsky:
No I meant the wang.

Ted Mosby:
Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you? I hated Ren?e Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!

Lily Aldrin:
Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!

Ted Mosby:
THAT'S KATE HUDSON!

Lily Aldrin:
Oh yeah... That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Zoey Pierson:
Barney was here? I was walking around half naked.

Barney Stinson:
Aw Man! Wait which half?

Barney Stinson:
Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot of money to someone like you?

Barney Stinson:
You're all the Blitz! I slept with that cute Indian girl that cuts my hair.

Robin Scherbatsky:
What does that have to do with anything?

Barney Stinson:
Nothing I just forgot to brag about it before!

Robin Scherbatsky:
I think the smaller turkey just tried to crawl further inside the bigger turkey.

Barney Stinson:
You can't go now! It's the night before Thanksgiving! College chicks are back in town. Their mom just made a snide comment about the weight they gained. They called her a b*tch, but deep down they know she's right. And they're about to walk through that door, where we will be waiting with some light beer and some rock hard approval. WHA-WHAT! U-UP!

Marshall Eriksen:
The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.

Zoey Pierson:
Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.

Ted Mosby:
Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.

Steve Henry:
Facial!

Ted Mosby:
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.

Zoey Pierson:
I'm coming with you.

Ted Mosby:
No! I baste alone.

Zoey Pierson:
Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Steve Henry:
Word play. Loving it!

Zoey Pierson:
But relax. I've got a ton of sides to heat up since my plans fell through.

Ted Mosby:
Who canceled? Your coven?

Steve Henry:
Coven, group of witches! Boom!

Zoey Pierson:
Yeah, they were worn out from putting that spell on your hair!

Steve Henry:
Oh! Serve returned!

Ted Mosby:
Are you happy? You're ruining Thanksgiving!

Zoey Pierson:
Well, you're not exactly who I thought I'd be spending Thanksgiving with, either!

Steve Henry:
God, I'm so happy to be here. My face hurts from smiling!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Ted, you violated a dead turkey with another dead turkey! Don't let that be in vain.

Narrator:
Then the cab driver said the last thing any of us wanted to hear.

Cabbie:
Where to?

Ted Mosby:
[sighs] I guess we're going home.

Cabbie:
[Beat] Yeah, I don't know where that is.

Everyone:
THE GENTLEMAN!

Ted Mosby:
What was that?

Barney Stinson:
Oh Blitz you had to be there.

Ted Mosby:
I'm not the Blitz!

Ted:
No, no, no! We're not just going to blow past this. I mean, I don't even know you people. I don't even know how you met.

Alfred Mosby:
I never told you how I met your mother?

Ted:
No.

Alfred Mosby:
Oh, great story. At a bar!

Ted:
That's it? That's what passes for communication in our family? When I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother I'm gonna tell them everything. The whole damn story.

Alfred Mosby:
I think it was an Irish bar.

Barney Stinson:
No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.

Marshall Eriksen:
Well, yeah, I'd say that, too, if I had those skinny little chicken legs.

Barney Stinson:
I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.

Virginia Mosby:
Oh, Barney. You're just delightful.

Barney Stinson:
No, you're delightful. I'm delighted. And he's just Ted. I'm really not planning these things; they just keep happening.

Ted:
My head is about to explode, and I don't want to get it on anybody's waffles, so I'm leaving.

Robin Scherbatsky:
I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

Virginia Mosby:
I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.

Barney Stinson:
St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.

Ted:
Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

Marshall Eriksen:
[after Lily wears a provocative dress to dinner] Lily is EVIL! She just wore that dress to torture me. Well you know what? Two can play at that game. See at brunch, I'm going to torture Lily right back. Yeah, there's a part of my body that she's got a weakness for too.

Barney Stinson:
Dude, you can't whip that out at brunch.

Lily Aldrin:
Just admit it, you came here to try and seduce me.

Marshall Eriksen:
Seduce you? You seduced *me*!

Lily Aldrin:
You sat down next to me and took most of your pants off!

Marshall Eriksen:
You went to San Fransisco for three months!

Lily Aldrin:
How is that seducing you?

Marshall Eriksen:
Well it's not, but I'm still mad about it!

Ted:
Barney, what are you doing here?

Barney Stinson:
I'm here to meet your parents. They must be dying to meet me after all the legendary Barney stories you've told them.

Ted:
I haven't told them any legendary Barney stories.

Barney Stinson:
WHAT?

Ted:
Here's a list of all the things I talk with my dad about: Baseball - [pauses and makes a "that's it" gesture]

Narrator:
Kids, you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2006 when grandma and grandpa came to visit me, and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy right? Wrong.

Lily Aldrin:
[Cut to brunch] I wish your face would melt off.

Marshall Eriksen:
I wish your eyeballs would explode.

Lily Aldrin:
I hate you.

Marshall Eriksen:
I hate you more.

Ted:
[Cut to Ted and Barney's area of the table] I'm gonna kill him

Barney Stinson:
I can't say I blame you.

Ted:
No, I'm *seriously* gonna kill him.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Now to Robin and Ted' mom] I don't care how unpleasant it is, you have to talk to him!

Virginia Mosby:
Not now!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Okay, if you won't, I will [Tries to stand up and accidentally knocks a tray out a a waitress' hand]

Narrator:
Okay, for any of this to make sense, you gotta understand there are three parts to this story...

Virginia Mosby:
Your cousin Jimmy had a wonderful time at that spa he visited.

Ted:
You mean the spa the judge ordered him to go to to quit cocaine?

Virginia Mosby:
[Still smiling tightly] Coffee?

Ted:
My dad made out with Wendy the waitress? He cheated on my mom? No, that's impossible!

Barney Stinson:
Ted, it's a well known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.

Ted:
Do you know that whenever you make up a statistic you always use 83%?

Barney Stinson:
You think I'm lying. Well have *you* done any surveys on the subject? Because the good people at www.swingers.openmarriageisnatural/legalizepolygamy.org have and they beg to differ.

Ted:
That's not a real website.

Barney Stinson:
Oh, and I suppose I didn't get a *real* T-shirt for running in their 10k

Virginia Mosby:
Ted, we weren't quite sure how to tell you this...

Alfred Mosby:
Your mother and I are divorced. [Ted is stunned]

Ted:
You... Wha... What do you mean you're divorced? Since when?

Virginia Mosby:
Oh gosh, it's been about nine months now.

Alfred Mosby:
Closer to ten I think.

Virginia Mosby:
Wow, time flies.

Ted:
So ten months ago you just up and decided to get divorced without telling me?

Virginia Mosby:
No it wasn't a snap decision.

Alfred Mosby:
We were separated almost two years.

Narrator:
You know, Grandma and Grandpa didn't like to talk about things that were uncomfortable, emotional, or in any way... real.

Lily Aldrin:
Why did you have to throw your magnificent calves at me? You know you have a punter's leg.

Marshall Eriksen:
Well, why did you have to throw your beautiful b*obs at me? You know you have... b*obs.

Ted:
[after Barney tells him that his daddy was making out with Wendy the Waitress] I wanted to confront him, but I couldn't. I guess I got the let's-not-talk-about-anything-uncomfortable gene

Barney Stinson:
Well, you didn't get your dad's close-the-deal gene, that's for sure.

Ted:
One last thing about my mom. She grills every single one of my girlfriends about when we're gonna get married and have kids.

Robin Scherbatsky:
But this is the first time she's meeting me.

Ted:
Doesn't matter. And you'll know it's coming when she mentions my cousin Stacy: six kids in five years. The woman's basically a ride at a water park.

Robin Scherbatsky:
But I don't want to get married and have kids. What am I supposed to say?

Ted:
You know what? You're an adult with perfectly valid opinions. You shouldn't have to apologize for them.

Robin Scherbatsky:
I'm gonna lie.

Ted:
I would.

Ted:
[after finding out his parents are divorced] How could you not tell me this?

Virginia Mosby:
We meant to, it just never seemed like the right time.

Ted:
So last Christmas...?

Alfred Mosby:
We talked about telling you kids then, but it didn't seem very Christmasy.

Alfred Mosby:
We're sorry we didn't say anything about the divorce.

Virginia Mosby:
It was wrong not to tell you.

Ted:
Thank you.

Alfred Mosby:
But listen, don't tell your sister.

Virginia Mosby:
It would just upset her.

Virginia Mosby:
So we are definitely going to try and communicate more.

Alfred Mosby:
From now on, full disclosure.

Ted:
Good. Good, I think it'll be really good for the family. By the way, how's Grandma? She hasn't returned my last couple calls.

Virginia Mosby:
[Avoiding Ted's gaze] I'm gonna get some juice.

Ted:
No. [Realization dawning] No.

GNB's ad voiceover:
[Goliath National Bank's ad] What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.

Barney Stinson:
[holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth. [puts in spent soft drink can]

Randy Wharmpess:
[opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.

Arthur Hobbs:
I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat? [plays with dog]

Marshall Eriksen:
[at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

Barney Stinson:
I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.

Robin Scherbatsky:
God, your nose is bleeding like a faucet.

Randy Wharmpess:
Yeah, I'm sorry this happens every time I get an erection.

Marshall Eriksen:
This just isn't working out.

Randy Wharmpess:
[Thinking] I'm fired, great. This is the candle kiosk at the mall all over again. Wait a minute... I get a severance check! If I don't shred it, I can use that money to start my own brewery! Imagine a beer with my name on it! Randy Wharmpess, this is the best day of your life!

Randy Wharmpess:
Okay, you win. Maybe trashing your office was a mistake. It's just, as along as I can remember, making beer has been my dream. [Pulls out a beer] Wharmpess? [Marshall takes it] I know it sounds dumb to someone who's already achieved his dream. Big time lawyer at a huge corporation.

Marshall Eriksen:
You think working here is my dream?

Randy Wharmpess:
Of course. Anyway, I'll clean this stuff up, have someone get that dead squirrel out of your desk.

Marshall Eriksen:
Randy... This is delicious. You're fired

Robin Scherbatsky:
I guess I get it.

Barney Stinson:
What do you mean?

Robin Scherbatsky:
No matter how bad things got, Ted really did loved Zoey for a minute there. Didn't he?

Barney Stinson:
Yeah... he did. And she loved him, too. Didn't she?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yes, she did.

Ted Mosby:
It's just, there are so many decisions be made. What if I make all the wrong ones and the building just sucks?

Barney Stinson:
Not possible. Your building is new. And I have one rule: New is always better.

Ted Mosby:
You can't keep changing your one rule if they're always different rules.

Barney Stinson:
Ahhh... but "New is always better" is my oldest rule, which makes it the best.

Zoey Pierson:
Hey, you wanna get coffee some time?

Robin Scherbatsky:
You know that "coffee" is a code for I want to get back together, right ?

Ted Mosby:
At first I wasn't sure, but then she said something that got me thinking.

Zoey Pierson:
I wanna get back together.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.

Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson:
[to each other] She means you.

Narrator:
And kids, that's how I met your mother. [pause] Psych! It was just some chick.

Ted Mosby:
Do you know how many people it takes to change fifty-thousand light bulbs?

Barney Stinson:
Are these people Irish? Polish? Blondes? What are we dealing with here?

Lily Aldrin:
[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview] Hey baby, how'd it go?

Marshall Eriksen:
Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.

Lily Aldrin:
Baby, come here.

Marshall Eriksen:
I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts [Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down]

Narrator:
And Marshall slept... [the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room] Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.

Lily Aldrin:
I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands]... I'm pregnant.

Marshall Eriksen:
A man can do a lot of living in three hours.

Barney Stinson:
That is going to be legend... wait for it... dary adjacent. Legendary adjacent!

Barney Stinson:
You don't think I can't talk you into helping me pack? I once got the Queen to fist pump me.

Ted Mosby:
Dude, no one believes that story.

Lily Aldrin:
Maybe you can convince those brain surgeons you pick up to believe you, but it won't work on us.

[Barney adjusts his collar, cracks his knuckles and clears his throat; cut to the guys packing at Barney's mother's house]

Lily Aldrin:
How does he do that?

Lily Aldrin:
[Picking up Barney's pee-wee basketball shirt] Aw, who was a cute widdle basketball pwayer before he became the biggest pervert in the world?

James Stinson:
Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting as the Postmaster General, mom, and home-run king... [Reads from encased baseball]... Frank Aaron.

Lily Aldrin:
Milk and lutefisk? Doesn't Santa get cookies in Minnesota?

Marshall Eriksen:
Yeah, 'cause that's what Santa needs at 3:00 AM while battling a snowstorm over the Rockies: a sugar crash. Santa needs protein.

Lily Aldrin:
[Seeing James and Sam hug] This must be so hard for Barney.

Marshall Eriksen:
Yeah, but he took a big step today.

Barney Stinson:
Papa!

[Hugs James and Sam]

Marshall Eriksen:
Uh-oh.

Barney Stinson:
Oh, my God, this explains why I'm so good at basketball. Guys, I'm black! Sorry, African-American. No, I'm allowed to say either.

Barney Stinson:
Ted, capture this moment.

Ted Mosby:
I think you'll need Salvador Dali to capture this particular moment, but I'll give it a whirl.

Ted Mosby:
Wait a minute. Yo said she was a ten. Why would she want to date the incontinent freakshow you just described? You oversold her!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Maybe a little.

Ted Mosby:
You told me she was a ten!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yes, but I didn't specify on what scale.

Ted Mosby:
You told me she looked like a movie star!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yeah, Robert DeNiro. But super-buff, like in Cape Fear.

Barney Stinson:
The coach made me leave the team because it was not fair for the other kids. Right, James?

James Stinson:
Oh, yeah. He was the best. He could throw inside, he could throw outside... [Barney leaves] He sucked. Mom just said that to spare his feelings.

Barney Stinson:
My mother is selling the house I grew up in. All of my childhood memories. Gone! Just like that.

Ted Mosby:
It sucks. I've been there, buddy.

Marshall Eriksen:
What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.

Ted Mosby:
With her new hippie husband, Clint. The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room into something I'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. With all the bamboo, pot smoking and '60s music, it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.

Barney Stinson:
Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Oh wow, a new dart!

Ted Mosby:
Hey, that new dart is great!

Robin Scherbatsky:
I did not know you were such a fan of "new dart", Barney!

Barney Stinson:
Oh yes, Robyn, I just love "nude art"..."nude art"

Barney Stinson:
[after an awkward stare from Marshall] "nude art"! [laughs]

Marshall Eriksen:
You found the painting, didn't you?

Ted Mosby:
[after Barney shows him a picture of Naked-Marshall] Oh my God. This is awesome times awesome, it's awesome square.

Barney Stinson:
[after seeing the picture Lily painted of him] She left out little Barney... Barnickle Jr... My Barnana...

Carl:
Hey Marshall, what are you having?

Marshall Eriksen:
What I'll have, oh I don't know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!

Carl:
Oh, I'm sorry. That painting is property of the bar.

Marshall Eriksen:
I know that Barney gave you that painting!

Carl:
I don't know what you're talking about...

Marshall Eriksen:
Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!

Carl:
I doubt it.

Marshall Eriksen:
Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you that plus ten bucks!

Carl:
I doubt it.

Marshall Eriksen:
Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!

Carl:
[Beat] I doubt it.

Lily Aldrin:
[Trying to paint Barney with a sword in his hand] I don't think your sword will fit.

Barney Stinson:
I get that a lot.

Barney Stinson:
You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.

Lily Aldrin:
Thank you!

Barney Stinson:
I meant me.

Barney Stinson:
In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.

Ted Mosby:
Robin, I just had a great idea.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Trying to sleep] Do whatever you want to me, just don't wake me up...

Lily Aldrin:
[about Marshall's nude painting] I knew this day would come.

Marshall Eriksen:
How did you know that?

Lily Aldrin:
Because I didn't hide it very well.

Ted Mosby:
[after watching Marshall steal his nude painting from the bar] One of my worst fears just came true- I saw Marshall grab himself naked.

Ted Mosby:
[about Hammond Druthers] Well... it's awkward, I mean, the guy used to be my boss. So, I went to talk to the managing partner...

Brady:
Fire him.

Ted Mosby:
Well, sir, I was thinking he could just be put on a different project.

Ted Mosby:
Fire him! He's an arrogant, washed-up, pain in the ass. In fact, fire everyone on that project. Druthers, Mosby, the whole lot of them.

Ted Mosby:
[Sheepish] Mosby, sir? I, I... I hear Mosby's doing some great work.

Brady:
Fine, Mosby can stay. But tell him he's on thin ice. Come here. [Pinches Ted's cheeks] I like you, Crosby.

Lily:
No, there's not crying in pause-land. Pause-land is a happy place full of popcorn shrimp mountains and buttersauce rivers!

Barney:
Ted, you're forcing me to be the voice of reason! It's not a good image for me!

Ted Mosby:
Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.

Penelope:
Why?

Ted Mosby:
There's this girl and I...

Penelope:
"There's this girl"? You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the Great Spirit looks to kindly on white dudes who coopt it to get laid.

Ted Mosby:
This is the girl I love. If it doesn't rain this weekend, she'll end up with the wrong guy. Please.

Penelope:
This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?

Ted Mosby:
Absolutely.

Penelope:
Kinda like Barney?

Ted Mosby:
Kinda.

Barney:
Hey!

Penelope:
You hit on my mom.

Barney:
We weren't exclusive.

Penelope:
I'm in.

Penelope:
Why the hell should I help you?

Barney:
Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.

Penelope:
We had sex twice in your car and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?

Barney:
Twice!

Ted Mosby:
Robin, I've sort of said this already. I mean, I've half said it. I've tried to say it, and I've said it badly. So this is me. Just saying it. With strings. I'm crazy about you. I think we should be together. What do you say?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yes. No. Maybe.

Ted Mosby:
Those are the three options.

Penelope:
[Showing how to do a rain dance] Okay, crouch down and bend over a little bit.

Barney:
Wow, it took 5 shots of tequila to get you in that position.

Penelope:
I will throw you off this roof.

Barney:
So much of your mom in you.

Ted Mosby:
[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin] Robin! Hey! Robin! Oh, thank God you're here!

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Yelling from the window] My camping trip got rained out!

Ted Mosby:
I know, I'm sorry.

Robin Scherbatsky:
It's not your fault.

Ted Mosby:
Yeah, it is. Come down here.

Robin Scherbatsky:
But it's pouring! You come up!

Ted Mosby:
No, you have to come down here!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Why?

Ted Mosby:
Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! That's what I did today! And that's enough! I... I've done my part, now get down here!

Robin Scherbatsky:
I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!

Ted Mosby:
I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You *have* to come down here!

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted] I was gonna...

Ted Mosby:
I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]

Ted Mosby:
Have you ever seen a rain dance?

Penelope:
I've seen a filmstrip.

Ted Mosby:
Terrific... Uh, look I should run. I'm getting brain surgery from some guy who's seen a couple of episodes of ER. I can't believe this. We've been up here for the past hour making complete asses of ourselves.

Barney:
[Sitting, drinking a beer] What do you mean "we," white man?

Lily:
So what's this big, beautiful, romantic gesture?

Ted Mosby:
I am going to make her... a mix CD... No, I'm kidding. I got a plan.

Sandy Rivers:
Bummer. I was hoping to finally have sex with you this weekend, Scherbatsky.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Well, I'd give you the "I don't date coworkers" speech again, but God, you must have that sumbitch memorized by now.

Barney:
Robin again? Ted, the universe clearly does not want you and Robin to be together. Don't piss off the universe. The universe will slap you.

Ted Mosby:
But don't you think the universe has more important things to worry about than my dating life?

Marshall Eriksen:
Unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together... Whoa. Chills. Anybody else get chills?

Ted Mosby:
Look, I realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Robin, so... I gotta do this. [Barney slaps him] Ow! What the hell?

Barney:
That wasn't me. That was the universe.

Quartet Leader:
When we talked earlier, you said there'd be pizza.

Ted Mosby:
No, I said I'd get you a pizza afterwards. Look, could we talk about this later? I'm sort of professing my love here.

Quartet Leader:
Sure. [to fellow musician] We're not getting any pizza.

Lily:
Unpause?

Marshall Eriksen:
Unpause.

Narrator:
Let's pause. See, Marshall and Lily had a rule that at any point during a fight they could pause and take a break. Their fights often lasted for days.

Barney:
Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed wearing whipped cream undies does not work... *usually*. The setting - Martha's Vineyard, 1999. The characters: Yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the name...

Lily:
[Slaps him. He stares aghast] Universe.

Ted Mosby:
[to the Inn Manager] I'm not some miserable, lonely person. Tell him, Lily.

Lily Aldrin:
It's been a tough weekend for him.

Ted Mosby:
Bro!

Lily Aldrin:
We're here for a wedding.

Curtis:
Ouch.

Lily Aldrin:
He used to date the bride.

Curtis:
Oh mama.

Lily Aldrin:
And he's the best man.

Curtis:
Devastating.

Curtis:
Look at this place... it's so romantic. Countless babies conceived within these walls!... and one grisly murder.

Barney Stinson:
For the next 200 years every male member of the Stinson family was afflicted by the gypsy's curse: an unquenchable thirst for booty that no committed relationship could ever satisfy. That is until my brother James met his husband, Tom. The day they got married, they lifted the curse forever... Freeing me from the shackles of having sex with lots of different women. Although sometimes, Robin and I still use the shackles. BONDAGE-FIVE!

Curtis:
Keys for Mr. Mosby?

Ted Mosby:
Just one please.

Curtis:
Oh... Oh. Oh. That's okay. Hang in there. You'll find somebody.

James Stinson:
Tom and I are getting divorced.

Ted Mosby:
So... so what happened? Why-why'd you guys break up?

James Stinson:
Well, the thing to remember is that when something like this happens, it's nobody's fault.

Ted Mosby:
You cheated on him.

James Stinson:
Repeatedly.

Lily Aldrin:
[upon the perfect wedding dress she just found] Okay, okay, how much is it on a scale from "never" to "never ever"?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Never ever, ever ever ever times infinity.

Victoria:
I'm going to meet Ted for our 2 month-iversary.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Oh great, that answers all of the questions I didn't ask.

Lily Aldrin:
[Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Ted Mosby:
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Short in the front, long in the back, that is the mullet of wedding dresses.

Marshall Eriksen:
Hey baby, how's the dress place?

Lily Aldrin:
Everything's so fluffy and white, it's like shopping in a marshmallow! How's Barney's tailor?

Marshall Eriksen:
Everything here is dark, sketchy, and seems illegal; It's like shopping in Barney's mind.

Barney Stinson:
Hey, don't knock long distance relationships. I really think they can work.

Ted Mosby:
Really? You?

Barney Stinson:
Absolutely. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, Erika in Tokeyo. There's Lora in Denmark and Kelly on 34th Street. [Irish Accent] The lass thinks I'm a humble sheep shearer from Kelharny

Marshall Eriksen:
Well, it's official. I'm going to be Judge Marshall Eriksen.

Ranjit:
That is great. Can you help me get a driver's license?

Marshall Eriksen:
[Regarding Lily] Why did she get into the captain's car and why didn't she tell me about it?

Ted Mosby:
Well, maybe it was a work thing.

Marshall Eriksen:
What? No! She has a big fight with me, she goes down to an Easy Pick, she gets into the Captain's Mercedes, and then three hours later she doesn't wanna go to Italy anymore? Wait does this means...?

Barney Stinson:
That the Captain moored his dinghy into Lily's lagoon? Most definitely.

Ted Mosby:
That's crazy. You never moor a dinghy into a lagoon.

William Zabka:
I don't know Ted. In certain tidal conditions if you were in a protected inlet...

Marshall Eriksen:
[Interrupting] Ok, you know what? It doesn't matter. Today's Barney's wedding, let's just forget it.

Barney Stinson:
Marshall, do you want to go to the Captain's house right now, punch him in the face really fast and then come back and do this wedding?

Marshall Eriksen:
...Will that be okay?

Barney Stinson:
Ranjit, get the car.

Ranjit:
Getting the car.

Ted Mosby:
When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time, what is the one thing Lily always does?

Marshall Eriksen:
Cry?

Barney Stinson:
Masturbate?

William Zabka:
Karate?

The Captain:
Go sailing?

Ted Mosby:
You need a cigarette, the closest store is an Easy-Pick five miles down the road, you have no car, what do you do? Go.

William Zabka:
Dirt bike.

Marshall Eriksen:
I can walk that far.

Barney Stinson:
Masturbate.

The Captain:
Take a boat.

Ted Mosby:
A boat? Dude, she got in your car remember?

Ted Mosby:
You're Lily, you just had a cigarette in your bosses powder room, where do you put it? Flush it? Throw it out the window?

Marshall Eriksen:
No, she wouldn't do any of those things, she's an environmentalist.

Ted Mosby:
Put it in your purse?

William Zabka:
Marshall would find it there.

Ranjit:
Throw it in the trash can.

Becky:
The Captain would find it there.

The Captain:
Hide it in a boat.

Ted Mosby:
A boat? Why would...?

The Captain:
I don't know, I just like boats.

Ted Mosby:
No, there's only one place she'd put it, where it would eventually decompose and serve as a natural mulch. It's in the daisy!

Ted Mosby:
And sure enough, if I dig through I am all but guaranteed to... [reaches into the pot and pulls out... ]

Ted Mosby:
Pregnancy test?

William Zabka:
You can smoke those?

Barney Stinson:
[to Ted, who found Lily's hidden pregnancy test stick] Lily peed on that, and you touched it.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Look, Barney's awesome.

Barney Stinson:
And Robin's more than just awe-some. She's awe-quite a bit. She's awe-a whole darn lot.

Barney Stinson:
[about the whip Marshall gave Ted] That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000. The best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.

Barney Stinson:
Lily, can't you just let us be happy?

Lily Aldrin:
You're not happy! You just think you're happy because you feel happy.

Barney Stinson:
And that's not happy?

Lily Aldrin:
Of course not!

Lily Aldrin:
You and Robin need to have the talk.

Barney Stinson:
Why? Give me one good reason.

Lily Aldrin:
I'll give you twen...

Barney Stinson:
Wow, you can't even think of one. Headlights, deer.

Barney Stinson:
How do you keep a girl from becoming a girlfriend? The rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.

Ted Mosby:
Gremlins?

Barney Stinson:
Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., don't ever see them during the day. And rule number 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!

Ted Mosby:
What about brunch. Is brunch cool?

Barney Stinson:
No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.

Ted Mosby:
[about Barney and Robin] You do realize they were lying, right?

Lily Aldrin:
No, Ted. They don't realize that they weren't lying.

Ted Mosby:
I am freaking out! I don't think I can do this!

Barney Stinson:
OK, look, mistake number one, was taking that girl's question! You don't take questions on the first day, it shows weakness! Mistake number two... was you should have hit that! Dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom of people to cheer you on, and you can't knock her up, because it's a dream! Class dismissed!

Marshall Eriksen:
Mistake number three, dude, where was the hat? Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back!

Lily Aldrin:
Okay, seriously. We're at the point of physical violence. Now, will you please have the talk?

Barney Stinson:
Because of that? Come on. That's my thing. I'm always punching guys. Girls... I'll punch a baby. I don't care.

Ted Mosby:
[in the wrong lecture room, unaware] Can anyone here tell me what this class is really all about?

Guy #1:
Economics?

Ted Mosby:
So if any of you have even the slightest inclination to do anything with your life other than become an architect, you're wasting my time and yours. There's the door... You can go. I'm serious. Get out, now.

Ted Mosby:
[Everyone gets up to leave] Wait... Don't... all leave! Architecture's fun! Look! I brought a hacky sack!

[Discussing Zoey's invitation to bake cookies with Ted, the gang says it's a booty call]

Ted Mosby:
That's crazy, she - she wants to bake...

Robin Scherbatsky:
Guys booty call girls after 2am with a drunkenly slurred "Whatcha doin'?", but when a lady booty calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck, real good. It's called class, Ted.

Barney Stinson:
Loneliness... the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching... the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.

Robin Scherbatsky:
That's not a thing

Barney Stinson:
It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.

Ted Mosby:
That's actually true.

Barney Stinson:
Wait. There's more.

Ted Mosby:
This won't be.

Barney Stinson:
And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids. [Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks exactly like Robin]

Barney Stinson:
[as St. Desperatius] Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.

Ted Mosby:
[as St. Valentine] Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]

Robin Scherbatsky:
[as Roman woman] Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.

Barney Stinson:
[as St. Desperatius, to Robin] And I thought Pompeii was smoking.

Barney Stinson:
[about Robin and her anti-Valentine's Day friends] Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fianc? that no one has ever met.

Bev:
Gerard is real!

Barney Stinson:
February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.

Lily Aldrin:
[Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help] Marshall, I'm going home.

Marshall Eriksen:
[pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?

Lily Aldrin:
I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.

Marshall Eriksen:
I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.

Lily Aldrin:
Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...

Ted Mosby:
[Surprised] You have Super Mario Kart?

Marshall Eriksen:
Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]

Lily Aldrin:
...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.

Marshall Eriksen:
Baby, don't go.

Lily Aldrin:
[kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

Ted Mosby:
They're actually called British Morning Socks.

Zoey Pierson:
Don't get in your own way!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Desperation Day had come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.

Barney Stinson:
Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a 10 has the self esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2. Now, there's only one thing you can't do.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Please say "widows."

Barney Stinson:
Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day.Which we do not. Case in point: I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work...

Barney Stinson:
[Interrupts] Trolls.

Robin Scherbatsky:
...who could care less about Valentine's Day.

Barney Stinson:
Lying trolls.

Robin Scherbatsky:
And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. Oh, no offense, Ted.

Ted Mosby:
And none was taken until just then.

Marshall Eriksen:
I miss my dad, Ted... I miss him so much.

Ted Mosby:
I know.

Marshall Eriksen:
When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. And every year we wouldn't get in the cabin till the middle of the night. And so, it'd be pitch black in the middle of the woods. I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe... cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero that could just see way out into the darkness... and now he's just gone, and it's pitch black. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything...

Ted Mosby:
[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene] Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...

Robin Scherbatsky:
Unpopular.

Lily Aldrin:
Beaten up.

Barney Stinson:
Going to movies with his mom.

Ted Mosby:
...A Boy Scout is always prepared...

Robin Scherbatsky:
Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.

Marshall Eriksen:
Prepared to die a virgin.

Barney Stinson:
Prepared to paint his sister's nails...

Ted Mosby:
...Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...

Robin Scherbatsky:
You're a tropical depression.

Lily Aldrin:
[Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie] Don't let him tempt you, baby.

Marshall Eriksen:
I don't know Lily, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

Marshall Eriksen:
Nobody wakes up and says, "Today I'm going to star in a YouTube video!"

Lily Aldrin:
You've said that at least a dozen times.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[about Hurricane Irene] You know what they call this in the 'Couv? BBQ weather!

Marshall Eriksen:
[Marshall has become obsessed with death since his insurance ran out] The Grim reaper beckons. I feel his icy grip 'round my throat. The breath of his hounds at me heels the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of his scythe on my chamber door. And you? With your blithe request you only hasten his inevitable triumph. Is that what you desire? Is that what you desire, Lily?

Lily Aldrin:
I just wanted you to get us some bagels.

Marshall Eriksen:
Bagels! Do you have ANY idea what could happen to me whilst getting bagels?

Barney Stinson:
[about the ducky tie] Please let me take it off!

Lily Aldrin:
No.

Barney Stinson:
Five thousand dollars!

Lily Aldrin:
No.

Kevin:
Is he serious?

Barney Stinson:
Ten thousand dollars!

Lily Aldrin:
No.

Kevin:
Dude, just take the money.

Barney Stinson:
Twenty thousand dollars!

Marshall Eriksen:
No.

Kevin:
Yes!

Barney Stinson:
I'll let you slap me in the face as hard as you can!

Marshall Eriksen:
You have my attention.

Barney Stinson:
[to Ted] Wow. It's come to this - you could help a friend, but instead you're choosing the hot girl in the tight tank top... [Happily] You're training is complete! I'm so proud of this kid! But seriously, storm's coming in so dump the hoochy and wheel's up!

Barney Stinson:
[after Barney agrees to new arrangements, Barney removes the Ducky tie] I'm free. God, this feels so good! I - I [Barney notices Marshall stretching and preparing to slap] This was a mistake. I want to put the tie back on. I want to put the tie back on! Why do I have to be Barney Stinson now? [Marshall slaps Barney]

Lily Aldrin:
Three slaps remaining!

Marshall Eriksen:
Three slaps. Wow, I like the sound of that. I think I'll save those bad boys. You know, for a rainy day.

Barney Stinson:
Okay, the worst is over. [Marshall slaps Barney again]

Lily Aldrin:
Two slaps remaining!

Marshall Eriksen:
It's all right. It's all done - for now.

Barney Stinson:
I think I have to go home now and re-evaluate how I make life decisions.

Maya:
If she's [Referring to Lily] going, then I'm not going!

Ted Mosby:
Lily, you're staying. Let's go!

Marshall Eriksen:
If Lily's staying, then I'm staying!

Lily Aldrin:
Then I'm going!

Marshall Eriksen:
Then I'm going!

Barney Stinson:
You can't go Marshall 'cause I'm going!

Robin Scherbatsky:
If Barney's going, then I'm not going!

Marshall Eriksen:
Then I can go!

Lily Aldrin:
Then I'm staying!

Marshall Eriksen:
Then I'm staying!

Lily Aldrin:
Then I'm going!

Maya:
Then I'm not going!

Ted Mosby:
You know what? I'm GOING!

Narrator:
Kids, you haven't truly lived until somewhere, somebody puts a sign up because of something you did. For instance...

Kevin:
[At MacLaren's] You guys seen that sign out front that says "Absolutely no boogie boarding" [gang uh-huh knowledgeably] What's that all about?

Ted Mosby:
Oh, that's a great story, you got time for it?

Kevin:
[Checks his watch] Well, I'm supposed to go to my mom's birthday party, so please make it as long as you can.

Barney Stinson:
Just let me take off the tie! PLEASE! I have to wear this at work! Do you have any idea whats that's like [cut do Barney in a business meeting sitting low in his chair so no one can see his tie] Please can I take it off?

Marshall Eriksen:
You... may... not. With a "k". Little tie pun.

Barney Stinson:
This is far from over. [dramatic music starts] You have a price Eriksen, and I will find it. When the end of day is nigh, I'll have taken off this tie. I'm gonna like the way I look; I guarantee it.

Kevin:
[Dramatic music cuts] So, boogie boarding?

Barney Stinson:
If you didn't have that slap left; say I were to get you to slap me tonight; I suppose that would change everything. [Dramatic music starts again]

Marshall Eriksen:
I suppose it would.

Barney Stinson:
[Speaking French] Le jeu commence - "The game begins"

Marshall Eriksen:
Je m'appelle Marshall [My name is Marshall]

Kevin:
[Dramatic music cuts again] So, boogie-boarding?

Marshall Eriksen:
[about Barney] I just wanna slap him so bad. But that tie is so stupid. But the slap would feel so good. But he hates that tie so much

Kevin:
Perhaps I can help. Marshall, ask yourself this question: why today? He hasn't said anything about that tie for weeks; yet suddenly, today, he can't wear it another second? No, there's a reason. [to Barney] You've got something coming up; something where you're on display, vulnerable, exposed. It's not work related, no, this is relationship stuff; you're trying to impress someone. In the lie you told you said you were being chased by two goons, so it's two people; a couple, perhaps? You're meeting Nora's parents tomorrow!

Barney Stinson:
WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. It's in two days and I really want them to like me!

Ted Mosby:
Oh-ho, therapisted [High fives Kevin] . Shrinked? Shrunk? We'll figure it out.

Marshall:
She's never seen Star Wars? Ted the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them Ted, that's cause they lived the Star Wars.

Ted:
You've gotta calm down.

Marshall:
I told you. I told you that you don't know this girl well enough. What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it?

Ted:
Dude, it's just a movie.

Marshall:
Ted, Star Wars is your all time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella actually likes it is really important. Its like a test of how compatible you guys are.

Ted:
Marshall, its just a movie.

Marshall:
Ha.

Ted:
Its just a movie.

Ted:
Ok, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.

Marshall:
No, you can't.

Ted:
Wanna watch it again?

Marshall:
Yes I do.

Barney Stinson:
[after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail] She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.

Lily Aldrin:
You left a voice, but it wasn't male.

Narrator:
Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...

Ted:
[to Stella] Will you marry me?

Narrator:
Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response. [Flashbacks to every possible response]

Stella Zinman:
No.

Stella Zinman:
[Next response] Oh, god no!

Stella Zinman:
[Next response] [ Stella bursts into laughter] You want me to marry... No.

Stella Zinman:
[Next response] Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from the high school football team, already asked me.

Mark Johnson:
What's up, turd?

Ted:
It's TED!

Narrator:
[Back to present time] But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...

Stella Zinman:
Yes.

Barney Stinson:
It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything!

Barney Stinson:
Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos.

Ted:
Okay, so I don't know every single detail about Stella. What's this really about? Do you not like her or something?

Marshall:
Oh, Ted, I like Stella a lot. She's a Mets fan and everything.

Ted:
Really?

Marshall:
You hated it, didn't you?

Stella Zinman:
Uh, it was so stupid! Like, first of all, how do they understand that walking bear they hang around with all the time?

Marshall:
Wookie.

Stella Zinman:
Yeah. He goes... [makes a few weird sounds]... and they're all like: "Good point, bear. Let's try that."

Marshall:
Okay, he's a wookie, and his kind is actually more intelligent that they appear. Look, Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie of all time. He watches it when he's home sick with the flu. He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall. He... he watches it on Christmas Eve! Ted watches Star Wars in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. Do you really think you can pretend to like a movie that you actually hate for the rest of your life?

Stella Zinman:
[pauses] Yeah.

Marshall:
Well, then Ted's a lucky guy. [Stella smiles and walks out of the room. Marshall waits a couple of seconds] Bear...

Lily Aldrin:
Barney, how can you be in love and still be sleeping with everything that moves?

Barney Stinson:
I'm sorry I don't follow you.That's like saying 'how can an ant lift fifty times its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious?'. Are the two even related?

Lily Aldrin:
Ask her something!

Barney Stinson:
[On the phone to Robin] How are you feeling today?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Fine.

Lily Aldrin:
Something personal!

Barney Stinson:
At what age did you first get your period?

Barney Stinson:
On a booty call you barely even have to talk. At 9:00PM you say, "Hey, babe, it's Barney. Are you busy tonight?""Sweet, see you in a half an hour, can't wait." But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. "Barney! Busy? Sweet." And by 3:00 in the morning [Barney texts "?" random girl answers "!"]

Lily Aldrin:
A question mark? You got laid off a question mark?

Barney Stinson:
[Giggles until Lily hits him] OW! It's not worse than your super-obvious codewords.

Lily Aldrin:
[Cut to example] Rhinoceros!

Marshall:
We have to go!

Ted Mosby:
Look we've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? But eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers, you know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us.

Barney Stinson:
[Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby] [Barney opens their door] You guys bangin'?

Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen:
Whaaaaaa!

Barney Stinson:
Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.

Ted Mosby:
[Enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again] This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

Barney Stinson:
Kids? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot better!

Marshall Eriksen:
But you were the fifth doppelganger! How can you be... you? I called you, we had a whole conversation, Barney, what happened?

Barney Stinson:
Ah, yes. I know what happened. People at work have this very strange expectation that I, well, work. I know, I know. So to make my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks, I decided to record a special recording.

Marshall Eriksen:
How can it be a recording, you called me Big Chief, my special workplace nickname?

Barney Stinson:
Oh, buddy.

Narrator:
Kids, up to this point in the story we had found doppelgangers - eerie but awesome lookalikes for four of the five of our little group. There was lesbian Robin. Mustache Marshall. Stripper Lily. And Mexican wrestler me. Yes, mine was the coolest. So we were all eager to find the fifth doppelganger, Barney's. Turns out it was more important to some of us than others.

Don Frank:
[Robin is stunned that Don accepted a lead anchor job in Chicago - which she turned down earlier] Put yourself in my shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to have the phone ring and it's your dream job on the other end?

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Teary-eyed] Yes... I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don. [leaves Don's apartment]

Barney Stinson:
No! Time out! This is a group decision! You can't just move to Chicago unless we all say it's okay!

Ted Mosby:
Barney, I think this has to be Robin's...

Barney Stinson:
Stay out of this Brigitte Nielsen or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV!

Marshall Eriksen:
Ted, I love you buddy, but there is no way you can pull off blonde.

Lily Aldrin:
Seriously, Ted, don't do it

Ted Mosby:
I'm going blonde!

Marshall Eriksen:
That is NOT the outcome we were hoping for.

Don Frank:
[to Robin] Before I met you I'd given up on everything. Relationships. Career. Pants.

Ted Mosby:
Let's just say there were some senior citizens who attempted to "drown" on my watch... and sadly one who did.

Marshall Eriksen:
[to Barney] Ooh girlfriend troubles, I wish I could help you but my totally awesome wife just bought me a lap dance with her body double. If you need me I'll be getting grinded like some pepper in the champagne room

Lily Aldrin:
[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder] It's time, baby.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Crying] I will never love again!

Lily Aldrin:
No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and... plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]

Minister Giles:
[at Lily's funeral]... and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying] [an appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]

April:
[an appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl] Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.

Marshall Eriksen:
[looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]

Jen:
[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices] So, any thoughts on food?

Ted Mosby:
Yeah. You want to share the oysters?

Jen:
I'd love to share the oysters.

Ted Mosby:
Good, 'cause if you don't that would be... mighty shellfish.

Jen:
[shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.

Ted Mosby:
That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]

Ted Mosby, Jen:
We've been on this date before!

Barney Stinson:
Guess who got four tickets to the the origins of Chewbaca exhibit?

Lily Aldrin:
Why?

Barney Stinson:
No, I said who.

Lily Aldrin:
I heard you.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Isn't it a little early in our relationship to be doing things that would end our relationship?

Barney Stinson:
I don't come here that often.

Judy:
Hey Barney, here's your usual and I'll send you your other usual when she's done stretching.

Barney Stinson:
Thank you kindly, stranger.

Jen:
We're going to die alone aren't we?

Ted Mosby:
Well, you'll have your cats.

Narrator:
This is the story of two blind dates. One in 2009... And one seven years earlier. In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same... until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different. Because it was exactly the same. I was on a blind date with the same woman I went on a blind date with seven years earlier.

Jen:
[Answering door] Ted?

Ted Mosby:
Jen?

Jen:
It's nice to meet you.

Narrator:
And she didn't remember it. But then again...

Ted Mosby:
It's nice to meet you, too.

Narrator:
...Neither did I.

Ted Mosby:
So, Jen, what do you do?

Jen:
I'm between jobs. Banking crisis.

Jen:
[FLASHBACK 2002] I'm between jobs. Internet bubble burst. Makes me realize I should go into something more stable... like banking!

Barney Stinson:
I met a girl last night.

Ted Mosby:
Really?

Barney Stinson:
She's so perky, and full of life, and not at all fake.

Ted Mosby:
You are talking about her b*obs, right?

Barney Stinson:
Si... and that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. Wuddupppppp!

Narrator:
Kids, everyone makes mistakes. Take this woman named Meg. She made a big mistake. A big mistake named Barney.

Marshall Eriksen:
Baby, real estate is always a sound investment.

Narrator:
It's not.

Marshall Eriksen:
And the market is really hot right now.

Narrator:
It wasn't.

Marshall Eriksen:
And because of my new job, we're in a good place finacially.

Narrator:
They weren't, because Lily had a secret.

Lily Aldrin:
Hi, I'm Lily, and I'm a shopaholic.

Marshall Eriksen:
I'm going to stop you right there. Don't bother with the hard sell. We can't afford this place just now, and besides, we just started looking.

Narrator:
Is what Marshall should have said.

Marshall Eriksen:
I'm going to stop you right there. I love it! We'll take it!

Ted Mosby:
Barney, what are you doing? You can't take this apartment from Marshall and Lily.

Barney Stinson:
You think I have no morals whatsoever? I'm only pretending to live here so I can take this woman here, nail her and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster.

Robin Scherbatsky:
He had a detective's club as a kid.

Ted Mosby:
Hey, the Mosby Boys cracked a lot of cases.

Robin Scherbatsky:
The Mosby Boys? You mean you and your sister?

Ted Mosby:
We solved the case of the missing retainer.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Let me guess... it was in the garbage.

Ted Mosby:
Why do you like this?

Robin Scherbatsky:
What the hell are you doing? You can't buy this place - Lily, you have a debt the size of Mount Waddington!

Lily:
Waddington?

Robin Scherbatsky:
It's the tallest mountain in Canada. It's like 4000 meters high.

Lily:
Meters?

Meg:
Who are these people?

Barney Stinson:
They're my parents.

Meg:
Your parents are Asian?

Barney Stinson:
They're a Chinese couple who wanted a little white boy. It works both ways.

Ted Mosby:
Why would you come in? You heard me shaving!

Lily Aldrin:
I thought you were shaving your face!

Ted Mosby:
Well, clearly I wasn't!

Ted Mosby:
Now all we need is a motive. The million dollar question: What were they fighting about?

Robin Scherbatsky:
I know what they've been fighting about...

Ted Mosby:
Bap-bap-bap...! There is only one possible conclusion. Lily and Marshall were fighting about... peanut butter. Lily left the lid off, and Marshall blew his.

Robin Scherbatsky:
I know what they were fighting about, and it wasn't peanut butter.

Barney Stinson:
Robin, just...

Ted Mosby:
I appreciate your help. But there is a reason why your name is Robin, not Batman.

Marshall:
Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.

Ted:
That cake really got to you?

Marshall:
It haunts me.

Marshall:
Maybe she was a ghost. That's why she didn't want to kiss you because you past right through her and get really cold for a second. Oh my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.

Ted:
Marshall, she was not a ghost.

Marshall:
I know she wasn't a ghost. She picked up a bouquet proving she had corporeal form.

Lily:
So that's what happened to the bouquet. Well, good for Victoria, that's an evil tradition.

Ted:
So wait, you're not gonna have one at your wedding?

Lily:
Hell, yeah, I'm gonna throw that flower grenade and yell "Crawl for it, B*tches!" It's just what girls do.

Barney Stinson:
Ted, oh my gosh, I love this moment, you know why? Because I'm gonna say it and this time you're actually gonna say yes, you ready? Ready to say yes? Ted, suit up!

Ted:
Yes! [starts to leave, Barney laughs, Ted quickly comes back] No.

Barney Stinson:
[frustrated] Oh, come on!

Claudia:
Ted, I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier. My new husband, and a vodka cranberry, which costs $10.50 at the freakin' airport bar -when is this plane going to board?- have helped me realize, that sometimes I can act like a crazy person.

Victoria:
[Her and Ted have decided not to to tell each other their real names] You can call me "Buttercup".

Ted:
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian... Wow, this is kind of exciting; our names will forever be shrouded in...

Barney Stinson:
[Coming up to them] Ted! Ted! Ted! Look, I got a bridesmaid! Ted! Look, look, Ted! The second-hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See-ya, Ted.

Ted:
[Wondering if he should go into the bakery to meet Victoria] And to our dying day, we will remember everything about that night as perfect. Maybe we both need that. So many things go wrong in life, but this is the one thing that never will. It'll always, always be pure, unadulterated awesome. If I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us of what could be...

Barney Stinson:
The meter's running, dude! Crap or get off the pot.

Tanya:
Wow, the Peace Corps?

Barney Stinson:
Yeah, I ship out tomorrow for two years. You know, some people say the Peace Corps is the most noble thing a person can do. To those people, I say, "Is it?" And usually they say, "yes it is."

Ted:
There was no Victoria at the wedding.

Lily:
Maybe she used a second fake name. Oh, she's good, she's very good.

Barney Stinson:
[about the bridesmaid he hooked up with] And here's the most amazing part. Because I told her I converted all my money to India dollars, she gave me fifty bucks to take a cab to the airport. That's right, I just got paid for sex. [Barney takes a 50-dollar bill out of his pocket] I really should give this money to the Peace Corps. They've done so much for me lately.

Ted:
[On the phone] Hey, Claudia, great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff. How's the honeymoon? Listen, I'm calling because last night I met this girl and I was wondering if you had...

Claudia:
Oh, you have got to be freakin' kidding me.

Stuart:
Oh, here we go.

Claudia:
24 hours ago, you were begging, begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding, and now, what, you're over her?

Ted:
[Meekly] I've moved on.

Barney Stinson:
This better be good, I'm about to enter nirvana. By the way, I should give you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say what?

Masseuse:
[Kicks him] Barney!

Barney Stinson:
Ow. I know the house rules. Es un chiste.

[to Marshall, Ted explains that he and Victoria didn't have a first kiss because the lead-up to it, i.e. the drum roll, is the best part]

Marshall:
A drum roll? That's it? So what? You just... You said good night, came home, and performed a drum solo?

Ted Mosby:
Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball] . A girl from my past. Any guesses?

Lily Aldrin:
Stella.

Barney Stinson:
Zoey.

Marshall Eriksen:
Karen?

Lily Aldrin:
The girl who beat you up.

Barney Stinson:
The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!

Marshall Eriksen:
The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?

Ted Mosby:
You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Lily Aldrin:
I am going to have to walk this earth knowing that Barney has touched my b*obs.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yeah it stays with yah. His email reminders don't help.

Lily Aldrin:
Terms, if you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off I will let you touch one boob.

Barney Stinson:
Both b*obs!

Lily Aldrin:
Just one.

Barney Stinson:
Touch and squeeze.

Lily Aldrin:
Just touch.

Barney Stinson:
Touch and motor boat.

Lily Aldrin:
Just touch.

Barney Stinson:
Honka honka?

Lily Aldrin:
[Annoyed] Barney...

Barney Stinson:
Just touch.

Lily Aldrin:
Just touch.

Barney Stinson:
For one hour.

Lily Aldrin:
For one second!

Barney Stinson:
Twenty minutes both b*obs.

Lily Aldrin:
Thirty seconds one boob.

Barney Stinson:
Four minutes, both b*obs, three squeezes.

Lily Aldrin:
One minute, both b*obs, one squeeze.

Barney Stinson:
Deal!

Marshall Eriksen:
Let the dinnertainment begin!

Barney Stinson:
[about Lily's b*obs] What are you waiting for, Lil? Bust 'em out, make 'em dance!

Lily Aldrin:
No!

Barney Stinson:
[singing] Let your boobies show!

Marshall Eriksen:
Okay, I'm sorry, pal, but the party of my wife's sweater is a private event, and I'm the bouncer, so...

Robin Scherbatsky:
Dude, I think they are the bouncers.

Marshall Eriksen:
Okay, can we stop talking about my wife's breasts? It's... Ted ran into Victoria!

Ted Mosby:
I know, I'm-I'm still a little shaken about it, I mean, there she was after all these years, the emotions, and memories, and... Jeez, Lily, it's like you have a butt on your chest.

Lily Aldrin:
[Barney is trying to get Lily to show her b*obs] Why on *Earth* would I want to see that?

Barney Stinson:
They're round and attached to my body; it's an even trade.

Barney Stinson:
[Eating with chopsticks] Has anyone gotten a bite yet?

Ted Mosby:
[after Ted and Victoria kiss] Oh, no; I shouldn't have done that.

Victoria:
No, that was me. I let you come *wash* my *dishes*. I said my oven needed cleaning; I invited you into a porno!

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yeah, it's so funny how the past, you know, you think you're doing fine, but because true love... God, Lily, what on Earth is going on with your cans?

Lily Aldrin:
Ah, these little thangs? Hmm, I got my pregnancy b*obs!I'm in that sweet spot where the chestal area knows I'm pregnant, but hasn't told the downstairs neighbors.

Ted Mosby:
[Helping Victoria wash dishes] Well, this is great. You know what else is getting clean along with this cupcake tray? My conscience.

Victoria:
You got anything else you need to atone for? My oven needs cleaning

Ted Mosby:
No, nothing else. [Looking at Victoria] Not yet anyway.

Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen, Barney Stinson:
[At the restaurant, singing] Bang, bang, bangity bang, I said a bang-bang-bangity...

Victoria:
[Cut back] I'm getting married

Robin Scherbatsky:
...bang

Robin Scherbatsky:
Make fun of the Great White North all you want, but Canada is the greatest country in the world.

Barney Stinson:
Great... Social experiment. [Chants] U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! [Rest of the bar joins in]

Robin Scherbatsky:
What does that even prove? They'll chant at anything. Ca-na-da! Ca-na-da! [No one joins in] Ca-na... all right, so they won't chant at anything.

Barney Stinson:
[Chants] Shrimp fried rice! Shrimp fried rice! [rest of the bar joins in]

Ted Mosby:
[Coming in] Shrimp fried rice, totally!

Barney Stinson:
You're gonna pass that test, and I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna cram, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna bone up...

Robin Scherbatsky:
All right, I get it.

Barney Stinson:
It's a rich area.

Barney Stinson:
It's not gonna be easy, like the Canadian citizenship test.

Robin Scherbatsky:
How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?

Barney Stinson:
It's Canada! Question One: Do you want to be Canadian? Question Two: Really?

Barney Stinson:
Last question. Who is this? [Holds up picture of Ernest P Worrell]

Robin Scherbatsky:
That, Barney, is the american actor, beloved by millions, a hey vern guy from the popular series from Ernest film. And his name is Jeff Foxworthy.

Barney Stinson:
Jeff Foxworthy? No, It's Jim Varney. You kidding me, you don't know that?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Ehm, That's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass, now shut your stupid face.

Barney Stinson:
Robin, not only were you wrong, but you stubbornly sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. [Salutes] Robin Sherbatsky, you are an American.

Robin Scherbatsky:
What happened?

Barney Stinson:
You went Canadian.

Robin Scherbatsky:
How Canadian?

Barney Stinson:
This Canadian! [Dramatically opens curtains of hotel room; a building blocks the view] That was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto skyline. We're in Toronto!

Barney Stinson:
Attention Canada! I am Barney from America, and I am here to fix your backward ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is the biggy, quit letting awesome chicks, like Robin Scherbatsky, get away. Because, guess what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her, if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, and getting the hell outta here, you may now return to being pointless.

Barney Stinson:
Those Canadian doctors bandaged me up, put my shoulder back in its socket, and reset my jaw, and they didn't even bill me. Idiots!

Barney Stinson:
You can be an American, but first we have to take the Canadian out of you. That's why I prepared these set of questions. Question one: Who is this? [Holds up picture of Queen Elizabeth II]

Robin Scherbatsky:
Queen Elizabeth II.

Barney Stinson:
Wrong! The correct answer is Elton John. Question two: What is this? [Holds up picture of curling players]

Robin Scherbatsky:
That is the sport of curling. The point is...

Barney Stinson:
Wrong! The correct answer is: I don't care, it looks dumb.

Marshall Eriksen:
Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for Gazzola's pizza.

Ted Mosby:
2 hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.

Marshall Eriksen:
Man, those Gazzola trips, that's... that's when we really became bros.

Ted Mosby:
We ate nothing but jerky.

Marshall Eriksen:
Drank nothing but Tantrum.

Narrator:
Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content legally available over the counter. It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA. [Shows ratss on tantrum in a cage. The rats are very hyper. One rat literally explodes]

Marshall Eriksen:
Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip.

Ted Mosby:
I was color blind for two weeks after that.

Marshall Eriksen:
I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.

Ted Mosby:
Marshall and I haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "We".

Barney Stinson:
What do you mean?

Ted Mosby:
Think about it.

Ted Mosby:
[Flashback] Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing?

Marshall Eriksen:
[With Lily] We're doing great.

Ted Mosby:
Do you watch the Jets game?

Marshall Eriksen:
We most certainly did.

Ted Mosby:
How'd things go at the doctor?

Marshall Eriksen:
We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.

Miss Cruickshank:
Crumpet Manor is listed in the American Registry of Historic Bed and Breakfasts. Our door is opened on Christmas day, 1881. And we have catered to couples ever since.

Marshall Eriksen:
Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right?

Miss Cruickshank:
Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation. [to Ted] Do you enjoy sitting on a bench?

Barney Stinson:
[Looking at Canadian coins] Look at this money! This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, and they all have Elton John on the back.

Marshall Eriksen:
Okay, today's category, classic westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Robin.

Robin Scherbatsky:
The good, the bad and the fabulous.

Lily Aldrin:
The magnificent Kevin.

Marshall Eriksen:
No country for straight men.

Ted Mosby:
How was your day?

Lily Aldrin:
I screamed at a little girl for painting a rainbow.

Ted Mosby:
Oh. It sounds like the b*tch had it coming.

Barney Stinson:
Excuse me, did I sleep with you and then screw you over?

Woman:
I don't think so.

Barney Stinson:
Dammint! In that case, would you like to go out?

Barney Stinson:
Why are you doing this to me?

Abby:
You slept with me and then left.

Barney Stinson:
And?

Abby:
And that's it.

Barney Stinson:
That's it? If I leave you on land with adequate transportation, you should consider yourself lucky.

Robin Scherbatsky:
I really like this painting. It's neat. The colors are neat, the shapes are neat, the overall painting is... neat.

Abby:
You know what I hate most about Ted?

Barney Stinson:
What?

Abby:
His hair. His lame, awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome.

Ted Mosby:
Clarify something about your critique. Do you think the colors are neat or neato-burrito?

Robin Scherbatsky:
At least I'm not wearing red cowboy boots.

Ted Mosby:
I'm pulling them off!

Lily Aldrin:
I'm going to give you a Lily Aldrin original, because you're such a good husband. I'm thinking of calling it, "Suck it!"

Ted Mosby:
You're obviously a man of exquisite taste. Let me ask you something. What do you think of these boots?

Lawrence:
Walter! Boots.

Walter:
Pulling. Them. Off.

Ted Mosby:
I'll be in the cab.

Marshall Eriksen:
[to Lily] Man, birds do not get you.

Abby:
[after having sex with Barney] I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted".

Barney Stinson:
I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby"

Abby:
I am Abby!

Abby:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Barney Stinson:
I think so.

Abby:
You're thinking about having sex with Ted?

Ted Mosby:
Everyone has something in their closet they don't wear.

Ted Mosby:
I don't.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Really, red cowboy boots?

Ted Mosby:
I pull those off.

Marshall Eriksen:
Hey, Lil, if I said, "Ted cannot pull these off" what would I be talking about?

Lily Aldrin:
His red cowboy boots.

Marshall Eriksen:
I already made a website. Marshall-and-Lily-sell-their-stuff.com.

Lily Aldrin:
No, you know what would be a better name? Guy-forces-his-wife-to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag-for-the-next-three-years.com [Types it in] It already exists.

Ted Mosby:
That woman is really wearing a garbage bag.

Marshall Eriksen:
But honey, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.

Lily Aldrin:
Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us.

Vendor:
Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for?

Lily Aldrin:
Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You?

Vendor:
Heroin.

Lily Aldrin:
Oh. Do you like heroin?

Vendor:
Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin.

Lily Aldrin:
Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy.

Lily Aldrin:
I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress.

Robin Scherbatsky:
A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream.

Lily Aldrin:
Yeah. Now she belongs to... CanadaGirl@MetroNewsOne.com. [Looks at Robin]

Robin Scherbatsky:
It's still in the family!

Dr. Greer:
Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility on a very primal level.

Lily Aldrin:
Really? Dogs like my paintings?

Dr. Greer:
Yeah. But you know who it bums out? Birds. Yeah. Had a parrot in there today. He took one look at it, pried open his cage, flew right into the ceiling fan.

Ted Mosby:
You better check yourself before you Trebek yourself.

Barney Stinson:
Hi there, we've had a lot of fun tonight but on a more serious note this is the time of year that we remember the importance of giving and there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson and that's [he winks] one to grow on.

Noelle:
Erm no.

Barney Stinson:
I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.

Sam Gibbs:
Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.

Barney Stinson:
No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]

Sam Gibbs:
Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

Ted Mosby:
[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]

[to Marshall and Lily]

Ted Mosby:
Are you kidding me? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now.

[couple still look at him]

Ted Mosby:
I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!

Robin Scherbatsky:
[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...

Ted Mosby:
And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.

Barney Stinson:
I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark!

Ted Mosby:
[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas!

[Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]

Robin Scherbatsky:
So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski...

Ted Mosby:
[Interupting] And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo.

[takes out coin]

Ted Mosby:
So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News.

[flips coin into Robin's face]

Ted Mosby:
Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

Barney Stinson:
I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Marshall Eriksen:
[about the home pregnancy test] Are you sure you did it right?

Lily Aldrin:
Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

Ted Mosby:
Robin have you forgotten your new year's resolution?

Robin Scherbatsky:
I am never going to drink again...

Ted Mosby:
No before that.

Robin Scherbatsky:
I am going to finish this entire bottle tonight.

Ted Mosby:
No before that.

Robin Scherbatsky:
The first Currency rotation Specialist went on to be a semifinalist on The Bachelor and then she lost like a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser and now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

Narrator:
When your friends have great news you're happy for them, for like a millisecond and then you start thinking about yourself.

Lily Aldrin:
I'm pregnant.

Barney Stinson:
I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!

Barney Stinson:
A Yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with B-O-N?

Ted Mosby:
Bon Jovi?

Barney Stinson:
What is my third favorite that begins with B-O-N? Buzzer... BONUS!

Barney Stinson:
I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.

Robin Scherbatsky:
You know, that was pretty cool, what you did. When we all needed it, you got us back on the right path.

Ted Mosby:
It's what I do.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Ted, if I... if I ever get married, and you're not the guy I marry...

Ted Mosby:
Big mistake, but go on.

Robin Scherbatsky:
I could really use someone like you. You know, in case I freak out... when I freak out. You interested?

Ted Mosby:
Are you asking what I think you're asking?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Ted, will you be my best man?

Ted Mosby:
Scherbatsky, I'm gonna crush it. [fist bumps Robin]

Barney Stinson:
[after Quinn finds out Barney dated Robin and gives him exactly 1 minute to explain himself] Barney: Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said "oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Haaave You me Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends, lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either, lame. Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy!

[Ted needs Barney to seduce Klaus' sister on the phone]

Barney Stinson:
Hey, baby, it's not cheating if it's on the phone?

Quinn Garvey:
Say what now?

Barney Stinson:
Quinn's on board!

[Later on, after meeting Robin's boyfriend, Nick]

Quinn Garvey:
Baby, it's not cheating if I lay down on the bar and let him do shots off my belly, right?

Barney Stinson:
Say what now?

Quinn Garvey:
Barney's on board!

Ted Mosby:
When you leave someone at the altar you always leave a note!

Barney Stinson:
[after getting a call from Ted asking if he can try to seduce one of Victoria's bridesmaids so Ted can sneak in and leave Victoria's note to Klaus] Challenge accepted! Honey it's not cheating if it's on the phone right?

Quinn Garvey:
Say what now?

Barney Stinson:
Quinn's on board!

Victoria:
[starts to write letter] Klaus...

Ted Mosby:
Just Klaus? Give it some heart, the poor guy!

Victoria:
"Dear sweet Klaus..."

Ted Mosby:
Sweet? So what, are you still in love with this jerk?

Victoria:
[Annoyed] I'm doing this on my own.

Ted Mosby:
I'm sorry, I feel bad for the guy. I'm stealing the greatest girl in the world away from him.

Victoria:
You're not stealing me. I'm choosing you... [kisses him] because you are loving, you are caring, and [gives note to Ted] you are going to give him this note.

Ted Mosby:
You're expecting me to go there?

Victoria:
It took me everything I had to climb out of that church window... and if I had to go back there, I'm not sure if I can do it again.

Ted Mosby:
[takes the note and leaves the car but enters and rubs note in Victoria's face] It has to smell like you!

Klaus:
Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz." She's my "Beinahe-Leidenschaftsgegenstand"... it means the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it's not quite. That is Victoria to me.

Ted Mosby:
How do you know she's not "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz?" Maybe as the years go by she'll get "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz... ier?"

Klaus:
"Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz" is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin... have you ever felt this way about someone?

Ted Mosby:
...I think so.

Klaus:
If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.

Ted Mosby:
And you're absolutely sure you'll find that someday?

Klaus:
Of course. Everyone does eventually... you just never know when or where.

Marshall Eriksen:
Where are we going?

Garrison Cootes:
War son, we're going to war.

Barney Stinson:
[to Kevin] So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a therapist and bang your patients, that's normal, but to do it for real? Little creepy bro.

Barney Stinson:
Studies show that 83% of all college students desperately need, Sex Lessons!

Ted Mosby:
[Protesting] Barney these are eighteen-year-olds!

Barney Stinson:
Ted, these are *eighteen-year-olds*!

Marshall Eriksen:
Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.

Garrison Cootes:
Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.

Marshall Eriksen:
First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]

Garrison Cootes:
Boy or girl?

Marshall Eriksen:
I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?

Garrison Cootes:
'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?

Marshall Eriksen:
No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.

Barney Stinson:
[Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age] I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you... and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!

Nora:
You think I'm 37?

Barney Stinson:
If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them!

Nora:
Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.

Barney Stinson:
You... you're 29? [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left!

Nora:
[Surprised] What?

Barney Stinson:
Nothing... [kisses Nora]

Barney Stinson:
Watch your step when you get up kids, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway.

Marshall Eriksen:
Wait a minute. A month ago you told me relationships were like a traveling circus.

Barney Stinson:
No, this is new, this trumps that. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.

Robin Scherbatsky:
So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that.

Barney Stinson:
[ignoring what Robin just said] The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months - That's when you guys [pointing at Ted and Robin] are gonna break up, mark your calendars.

Ted Mosby:
Hey!

Robin Scherbatsky:
What?

Barney Stinson:
Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like "Are we there yet?"

Barney Stinson:
Discouraging pre-marital sex is against my religion.

Robin Scherbatsky:
You know, Katie, I have wanted to come to the Empire State Building for so long, but I waited to come here with someone special.

Katie Scherbatsky:
Oh, here we go.

Lily Aldrin:
Marshall and I have never been to the Empire State Building either. But I'm so glad I waited to do something so important with my fiancee.

Marshall Eriksen:
Speaking of waiting, I signed an abstinence pledge in high school. It's totally cool to wait. And stay away from drugs... other than pot.

Katie Scherbatsky:
You are such a hypocrite. You lost your virginity when you were sixteen.

Robin Scherbatsky:
How did you know that?

Katie Scherbatsky:
I read your diary. I found it in your old room slash my new room.

Barney Stinson:
I'll give you $10,000 for that diary.

Robin Scherbatsky:
You know what? You gave it away too early. You're an "I love you" slut.

Ted Mosby:
Yeah, well you're an "I love you" prude. You know what? I'm taking mine back.

Robin Scherbatsky:
You can't do that!

Ted Mosby:
Just did. In fact, I'm giving it away, because I'm a slut. [to a stranger] Hey, I love you.

Stranger:
Thanks, man! I came in here to jump. I really needed that.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Okay but, if relationships are like a freeway, then saying "mm hmm hmm" is like, getting into the carpool lane. And, I don't want to take an exit but at the same time I'm not ready to get into the carpool lane. Because what's in the carpool lane? Oh, it's a big diamond!

Lily Aldrin:
[to Robin] Instead of telling Ted you love him, you said "falafel"?

Katie Scherbatsky:
I've been dating Kyle for two months now. It's like forever. I mean, we've already done everything else. I mean, we've even...

Robin Scherbatsky:
[plugs her ears] Oh. La, la, la, la, la.La, la, la, la, la, la, la,la, la, la, la, la.

Marshall Eriksen:
[to Lily] Even Kyle gets to do that.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[after finding out her sister is planning on loosing her virginity] This can't happen. She's my baby sister, okay? She should be watching The Little Mermaid and drinking Yoohoo, and not having sex.

Ted Mosby:
Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex. I was 17.

Marshall Eriksen:
[Gestures to himself and Lily] We were 18.

Ted Mosby:
Barney was probably 12.

Barney Stinson:
[laughs nervously] Good one, Ted. I was, uh, six... fourt... How old were you again?

Ted Mosby:
17.

Barney Stinson:
Dude, me, too.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Katie, I'll admit, maybe I'm not in any place to lecture you on romantic relationships, but... but I just don't want you to make the same mistakes that I've made.

Katie Scherbatsky:
Oh, believe me, Kyle is not gay.

Robin Scherbatsky:
You only get one shot at losing your virginity. And even though I just barely had sex, it counts.

Lily Aldrin:
What do you mean just barely?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Well, he didn't dive all the way into the pool, but he... splashed around in the shallow end.

Lily Aldrin:
Then you didn't lose your virginity to him. Just barely doesn't count.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yes, it does.

Lily Aldrin:
No, it doesn't.

Marshall Eriksen:
Yes, it does.

Lily Aldrin:
No, it doesn't. It doesn't count. End of story.

Barney Stinson:
Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin, you saucy little harlot. Could it be that before Marshall took a swim, someone else tested the water?

Narrator:
But, kids, later that night, Katie did it, and she got pregnant... with quintuplets... and she lived out her days in a trailer park... where she died an alcoholic. So the moral here, kids, don't have sex until you're married. Maybe even, like, wait a year or two into marriage.

Daughter, Son:
DAD!

Lily Aldrin:
[to Barney] Speaking of first times, we never got to hear your virginity story.

Marshall Eriksen:
That's right, I almost forgot.

Barney Stinson:
Okay. I was 16, and it was in a baseball dugout...

Marshall Eriksen:
Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Barney Stinson:
I mean, I was in a subway with a high-priced call girl...

Ted Mosby:
Risky Business.

Barney Stinson:
I was accidentally hacking into NORAD'S computer...

Ted Mosby:
That's War Games, and there's not even a sex scene in it.

Barney Stinson:
All right! [Begrudgingly] I was 23, and it was with my mom's 45-year-old divorced friend, Rhonda. She called me "Barry" the whole time, and for two weeks, my comforter smelled like menthol cigarettes. You happy?

Marshall Eriksen:
[Noticing Barney's sadness] Hey... Why don't you tell us again about your first time at the camp in the Catskills.

Barney Stinson:
Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's. Her dad did not approve of our love.

Ted Mosby:
Did anyone put Baby in a corner?

Barney Stinson:
Oh, God, no. What can I say, I... had... the time of my life. True story.

Lily Aldrin:
You ralfed and ran?

Victoria:
Okay, here's the most embarrassing thing to happen to me. It involves a game of truth or dare, a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community.

Victoria:
[Shot cuts to an all-black screen]

Older Ted Mosby:
Kids, I know I tell you a lot of off-color stories, but there's no way in Hell I'm telling you this one.

Barney Stinson:
[finishing his story about his ex-girlfriend Shannon] And then she told me about her life. Her and Greg dated for awhile, then split up. Here's the real kicker, Shannon's a mom. She has a little kid named Max. That's crazy. That could've been my kid. But, instead what do I have? My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet, and a string of one-night stands. [begins to cry]

Lily Aldrin:
Hey, come one. I mean, just because her life went one way, and yours went another doesn't make your life any worse.

Barney Stinson:
My life rocks! Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment, changing some brat's poopy diapers, but instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7, 365! [looks up] You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy. Plus here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry, on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her!

Barney:
Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Re-return. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...a-yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!

[pause]

Marshall:
I think Barney just won game night.

Older Ted Mosby:
We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, that in those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up being.

Marshall:
[about the game he invented] It's called, "Marshgammon". It combines all the best features of all the best games: Candyland, I Never, Pictionary...

Robin Scherbatsky:
Backgammon, obviously.

Marshall:
No, backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon", and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.

Barney Stinson:
[On his tape to Shannon] Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't. [Starts singing] Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's a thief in the palace and she's... [Barney takes the tape out]

Lily Aldrin:
You brought the game to the bar?

Marshall:
Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.

Ted Mosby:
I was winning?

Barney Stinson:
We're breaking up? But what about the Peace Corps?

Shannon:
Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase. Greg's older. He's successful. He buys me all this cool stuff.

Barney Stinson:
But I love you.

Shannon:
Aw, but he has a boat.

Marshall:
[Telling his most embarrassing story] I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom. [a kid comes in]

Screaming Boy:
[Screaming] AGRHHHHHHHHHHHH! [Marshall stumbles out of the bathroom and lands face first in front of Lily and the kindergarteners]

Marshall:
I wish I'd pulled up my pants.

Lily Aldrin:
The kids still call him Funny Butt.

Marshall:
[Explaining the rules of Marsh-gammon]... But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then... you got to drink. Got it?

Narrator:
No

Barney Stinson:
[refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

The Captain:
[At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man] Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]

Zoey Pierson:
Oh man, this movie is scary.

Ted Mosby:
[Scoundrel Ted] I know, right?

The Captain:
[Back in reality] I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.

Ted Mosby:
Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.

The Captain:
Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.

Ted Mosby:
And the, that was the last time you saw her...

The Captain:
...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night...

Ted Mosby:
[spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

Barney Stinson:
She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.

Barney Stinson:
You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.

Lily Aldrin:
You should work at a carnival.

Barney Stinson:
I tried; they're pretty strict with backgrounds.

Barney Stinson:
With great penis comes great responsibility.

The Captain:
Maritime Protocol demands physical retribution!

Marshall Eriksen:
All right guys, I have to go. I have a big, meaningless stack of paperwork that I have to get off my desk to make room for tomorrow's big, meaningless stack of paperwork. But it's all worth it, you know, cause... at least I know I'm making the world a... place.

Narrator:
Future Ted: You will be shocked kids when you'll discover how easy it is in life to cut away with people forever. That's why, when you find someone you wanna keep around, you do something about it.

Ted Mosby:
Singles tables are cruel. I mean what if you went to a wedding and there was a table of all fat guys?

Marshall Eriksen:
That would be awesome.

Barney Stinson:
Did you say "Gary Blauman"?

Marshall Eriksen:
Yeah

Barney Stinson:
Gary Blauman?

Ted Mosby:
Yes

Barney Stinson:
Blauman... comma, Gary?

Lily Aldrin:
Point, comma, get to the damn.

Cindy:
[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys] I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."

Ted Mosby:
And what does frat guy say to that?

Cindy:
[Drawls] 'That's hot.'

Ted Mosby:
[laughs]... Actually, that is kinda hot.

Cindy:
Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.

Narrator:
Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class... and she thought I was a complete idiot.

Cindy:
I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.

Ted Mosby:
So um, do you ever date cute idiots?

Cindy:
Almost exclusively.

Barney Stinson:
[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys] Hey.

Karina:
[Curtly] What do you want?

Barney Stinson:
Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?

Karina:
Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?

Barney Stinson:
[Caught off-guard] Um...

Karina:
I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?

Barney Stinson:
Only two things could cause that commotion - b*obs.

Barney Stinson:
[about picking world peace over his suits] I'm gonna stop you right there. It's the suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.

Tim Gunn:
Your suits death is another suits life.

Barney Stinson:
Do it.

Tim Gunn:
You're doing the right thing.

[Barney sobs]

Tim Gunn:
Please don't cry on this - it's silk.

Barney Stinson:
My friends, I have been with many women in my day: lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors, professional equestrians, amateur equestrians... a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker-yes, we're to the rhyming section now-a math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser... a puppeteer, a blackjack dealer, a stay-at-home-mom- that's a job too, guys-a circuit court jus- [Gets cut off]

Barney Stinson:
[Coaching Ted on how to get Punchy to leave his apartment] You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the ch?teau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

Ted Mosby:
Okay, yeah I know...

Barney Stinson:
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

Barney Stinson:
SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals... Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Aaaand nope!

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many] Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!

Lily Aldrin:
What is that supposed to mean?

Robin Scherbatsky:
It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!

Lily Aldrin:
Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[to Lily] Look, I hate most babies, but your baby; I'm going to love that kid so much. I'm going to pick it up and everything.

Barney Stinson:
[about the show Robin did as her teen pop-star alter-ego Robin Sparkles; "the Space Teens] Space? Teens? Is this a porno?

Marshall Eriksen:
Oh, you're wearing a flower.

Barney Stinson:
Thank You!

Marshall Eriksen:
I didn't compliment, just observed.

Marshall Eriksen:
Hope Lily's okay.

Barney Stinson:
Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.

Marshall Eriksen:
Motion denied.

Barney Stinson:
Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I... will wear this. [shows Ducky Tie]

Marshall Eriksen:
[In awe] The... the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away!

Barney Stinson:
I did... it came back.

Marshall Eriksen:
[to waitress] Excuse me miss, when you get the chance can you bring me 100 shots of tequila please?

Barney Stinson:
I'll have the same.

Ted Mosby:
[while dating to get over Robin, Ted keeps thinking of things that remind him of her] Wayne had no manners. Wayne, manners, Wayne Manor. Home of Bruce Wayne, better known as Batman. Mentor to d**k Grayson his orphan ward who, at night, would don the colorful vestments of The Boy Wonder, A.K.A. Robin!

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Imaginary] Holy long walk for a short drink of water Ted!

Lily Aldrin:
[Very pregnant] Please help me off the couch so I can storm out!

Barney Stinson:
How's the single life?

Ted Mosby:
I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low.

Barney Stinson:
Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty nine?

Marshall Eriksen:
So there's no baby boot camp at the Paramus Waldorf? [Barney shakes his head] Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?

Barney Stinson:
[gives him a weird look] Bro.

Ted Mosby:
Robin.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Ted!

Ted Mosby:
It's good to really see you!... It's really good to see you.

Barney Stinson:
Oh, Yobin.

Ted Mosby:
No, Robyn. And for the rest of the night, every time I looked at her, I just saw Robin's face

Barney Stinson:
Well I should hope so.

Ted Mosby:
No, our Robin. Robin with an 'i.'

Barney Stinson:
Uh, our Robin has two eyes, my friend, but that's good, you're forgetting what she looks like.

Barney Stinson:
As I see that young man popping and locking his way to the jukebox, I think to myself: Stella made the right call.

Ted Mosby:
This is a map of Stella-free areas. The white areas are safe, the red ones are not, the blue ones are water.

Lily Aldrin:
Ted, that's ridiculous.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Well, water is blue.

Lily Aldrin:
You may come from Ohio, but you're in New York now, and here we don't keep our feelings bottled up. We shove them in someone else's face.

Eight Year Old Robin:
But I don't want to go hunting.

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr.:
Nonsense, R.J. Hunting deer is the noblest of pursuits.

Eight Year Old Robin:
But deer are so cute.

Robin Scherbatsky, Sr.:
You said the same thing about your rabbits, and don't you remember how delicious they were?

Barney Stinson:
You poor thing. Having to grow up in Canada, with America right there.

Ted Mosby:
Where are those almonds?

Barney Stinson:
Gosh, where would Ted's nuts be? Hey, why don't you check the vise in Stella's garage?

Ted Mosby:
Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don't make sense at all.