How It Should Have Ended

[repeated line]

Batman:
Because I'm Batman.

Voldemort:
God, I hated "Tree of Life"!

Professor Severus Snape:
What was that even about?

[first lines]

Spider-Man:
Hey! It's me, Peter Parker. Your friendly neighborhood... you know. I've come a long way after being bit by a spider. Before, nothing went right for me. Now, people really like me. I keep the city safe, I'm at the top of my class, and I'm even in love with the girl of my dream.

Little Boy:
Spider-Man, will you stop narrating please.

Spider-Man:
What?

Little Boy:
You're narrating. It's kind of unnecessary.

Spider-Man:
Unnecessary? But how are people gonna know what I've been up to all this time?

Little Boy:
Spider-Man, we're not idiots. Just go and do your thing.

Spider-Man:
Oh... well, alright then. But what if I need to tell the audience something about the...

Little Boy:
No narrating!

Superman:
What the heck was that?

Batman:
Peter Parker just did a Saturday Night Fever strut across our window.

Superman:
I know. But why?

Batman:
I'm not sure. But I was afraid something like this would happen.

Superman:
What do you mean?

Batman:
Uh, have you seen this?

[Batman shows a video on his cellphone of Spider-Man dancing]

Butler:
The night your father died, I cleaned his wound. The blade that pierced his body came from his glider. There's no question that your father died by his own hands.

Harry Osborn:
You are so fired.

Butler:
What?

Harry Osborn:
You've known that all this time and pick now to tell me?

Butler:
I thought this would be the best time to tell you the truth.

Harry Osborn:
I took a grenade to the face, dude!

Spider-Man:
Wait, why do you have that scary Venom face if you're just gonna peel it back when you talk?

Venom:
Because this way I get more face time.

Spider-Man:
That's lame.

Venom:
You're lame, and I'm gonna kill your girlfriend.

Spider-Man:
Oh, there's a big surprise. Out of all the dastardly plots you could put together, you threaten my girlfriend. Just like every villain I've encountered.

Venom:
Hey, if ain't broke, don't fix it.

Spider-Man:
Seriously? You rush in here like you can take me? This is my third movie. Spider-Man Tres, amigo. You think they're gonna kill me off? No. Look, do you know of any movies where they kill the title character off at the end?

Venom:
Donnie Darko. Old Yeller. Romeo and Juliet.

Spider-Man:
I'm just saying, there's only one way this is gonna go down. It happens every time. We'll fight for a bit, you'll tear my mask, but in the end I'm just gonna leap out of the way and you're gonna do something that makes you kill yourself.

Venom:
Or maybe I'm kill you and your girlfriend because I'm awesome and you met your match.

[the 2014 Turtles observe their alternate selves from other TV shows and comics]

Michelangelo:
Hey, bros, is it just me, or do all those Turtles look better than us? [pause]

Donatello:
I'd say so.

Leonardo:
Yeah, they look pretty awesome.

Michelangelo:
Totally see it.

Raphael:
I think it's debatable...

Michelangelo:
COWAB... Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. The Amazing Spider-Man?

Spider-Man:
Hey, fellas.

Michelangelo:
Dude, what're you doing here, brah?

Spider-Man:
Well, the toxin's about to be released at the top of this tower, I have to stop it before it poisons New York City!

Raphael:
Uh, no. That's pretty much what WE're doing.

Donatello:
I think you want that tower over there. [points at another tower]

The Lizard:
Hello, poor Peter Parker!

Raphael:
Not good, bros! Shredder's started the countdown to release the toxin in the city!

Donatello:
This is a horror of magnifying proportions! Not only is Shredder performing one of the most commonly used third-act cliches in cinematic history, but an estimated 98.2% of the New York population will be at a near-death state by the precisely timed release of that chemical concoction!... I'm the smart one.

Spider-Man:
Okay, this is just crazy: you have a villain releasing toxins on a tower, and a wealthy business owner stealing your blood. Well, check this: my father was a scientist, he mysteriously died, but it was later revealed that he was killed after uncovering an evil plot by the company he worked for! Do you Turtles have anyone with that backstory?

April O'Neil:
Hello!

Spider-Man:
WHAT? Seriously?

Donatello:
This is a plagiaristic monstrosity, we're totally copying the adventures of Spider-Man!

Raphael:
Yeah, and not even the good ones...