I will try and put this as politely as possible, Henry... what the f*** are you doing in my office?
Bob says I'm supposed to help out with the reorganization report.
Uh huh. Let me rephrase the question -
what the f*** are you doing in my office?
Bob just thought it was crazy not to have a computer in here.
It's not the *computer*, it's you and your goddamn desk!
I wanted to do a surprise party for your promotion, but the deposit check bounced at Mariela's.
The job isn't mine yet, Leslie.
Mariela's the only civilized caterer out here. I said to her, "Mariela, it can't bounce, it's one of the brown ones."
The money market? Jesus, Leslie!
Well, for God's sake, it's my account! I said to her, "The green ones bounce - that's my husband's account. My brown ones never bounce."
Space invaders, Graham. The new people - all gadgets and the bottom line. Stop them early, or they'll run right over you! "We can be more efficient than such-and-such a program..." Blah blah blah, it's all bullshit, Graham, soup to nuts. It's code for mass firings and low quality. Just melt the market dry, and get out. I mean, if our system wasn't any good, why did they take us over in the first place? Christ!
As spokesman for some of the younger turks, I'm supposed to invite you to lunch, in celebration of your approaching greatness.
Oh Christ, today?
Come on, executive bonding! Raucous, unfunny jokes. And we'll kiss your ass in the hopes you'll mistake it for affection.
How degrading for you. I'll be there. What time?
Twelve thirty. Bring your ass!
Gentlemen, gentlemen... you don't understand! We are the young, the proud! We shouldn't be ashamed of success! We should say, "Yes, I *have* a boat. I *have* a country home. I *have* a girlfriend named 'Tara'!" Say it with me, brothers.
I do have a Mercedes.
I have a condo with a pool.
I have a personal sports trainer.
I have a wife, a mortgage, and two dogs.
My father had it all figured out. He was a London bus driver. And when I was a boy, he used to take me over the river to Mayfair, where the rich people lived. And he used to say to me, "Son - there is no heaven. Here is the closest you will ever get. Life, here, is sweet. Life, back over there, is hard. So live over here, son!"
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