Inspector Morse

Morse:
I always drink at lunchtime. It helps my imagination.

Morse:
The secret of a happy life is to know when to stop - and then go that bit further.

Morse:
When I'm thinking, I get thirsty.

Morse:
Drink that, Lewis, and loosen some brain cells.

[repeated line]

Morse:
[disparagingly] LEW-is!

[as Lewis makes a chance remark which unwittingly provides Morse with a major clue]

Morse:
You've done it *again*, Lewis!

Morse:
There's always time for one more pint.

Morse:
*Morse*. Everyone just calls me "Morse".

[after Morse has been hit on the head]

Morse:
'Tis not so wide as a church door nor so deep as a river, but 'tis enough.

Morse:
Coded messages, murder - right up my street. It's not a bad way to start the day.

Morse:
Ideals come to torment us all at some stage, or at least they should do.

[to Lewis, feeling sorry for himself]

Morse:
I'm old and unmarried, and I don't understand human nature. What does it matter?

Lewis:
How old are you?

Morse:
I forget, Robbie.

Hilary Stephens:
[Meeting Morse as he leaves choir practice] I knew about the beer. I didn't know about this.

Chief Inspector Morse:
It's just an excuse for more beer.

[Morse gives his verdict on the concept of an open prison]

Chief Inspector Morse:
It's Butlin's for the Borgias, Lewis.

[Morse is cynical about the Cryer Investment scam]

Chief Inspector Morse:
One bunch of unscrupulous charlatans ripping off another bunch of credulous speculators. That's a definition of capitalism, isn't it?

Chief Superintendent Strange:
I suppose you'll be wrapping up the case now. Is that the file?

Chief Inspector Morse:
No, this is something else.

DS Cheetham:
[Peering over Morse's shoulder] Charlie Bennett. Wife-murderer, locked up in Farnleigh. Due for release.

Chief Inspector Morse:
He still claims he didn't do it.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
As I recall, he was found brick in hand, covered in blood. Mind you, it was Frampton who nicked him.

[Cheetham looks puzzled]

Chief Superintendent Strange:
DI Frampton, currently serving five years for corruption.

Chief Inspector Morse:
He was a real high-flyer, Cheetham.

Chief Inspector Morse:
What do you feel now, Charlie?

Charlie Bennett:
That I've achieved justice for myself. Prison has unjustly been one third of my life. Why shouldn't it justly be the rest?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Breaking and entering, Lewis?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Yes sir.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Get on with it then.

Chief Inspector Morse:
No-one can imagine someone else's pain, Robbie. It's the human tragedy.

[Morse finishes his beer and Lewis his orange juice]

Chief Inspector Morse:
But I made a vow. I wouldn't forget - I would never forget - how *awful* it is to be fifteen. I've forgotten, of course - everyone does... but I've been trying to remember.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
Kids! They're as bad as Special Branch. You never know what the blighters are up to.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Mm, we were all young once.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
I can't imagine you young, Morse.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I can imagine you.

Chief Inspector Holroyd:
In my opinion, Morse, Lewis hasn't been given a proper grounding in the basics.

Chief Inspector Morse:
If you're going to retire, Holroyd, just get on and do it.

Chief Inspector Holroyd:
He'll never make inspector if he doesn't follow correct procedures.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Well, if you'll proceed out of my office, either properly or improperly, I really don't mind.

Chief Inspector Holroyd:
Take this Lever case. Lewis thinks he was very clever listening to the parents, but he spent so much time cosying up to them he missed what was staring him in the face. The father's a sadist. Wears a bloody great leather strap round his waist. Wife's scared stiff of him. Abuse. That's what this case is all about: physical and probably sexual abuse. [Lewis walks in]

Chief Inspector Morse:
Ah Lewis, Chief Inspector Holroyd was just abusing you.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I thought I felt something.

Chief Inspector Holroyd:
Yes, well I've said my piece. So, do you remember what I said, Lewis?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Anything particular, Sir? You said so much.

[Holroyd walks out]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
It was invented by a weather forecaster you know.

Chief Inspector Morse:
What was?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
This chaos theory.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Can't be right then!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[about an unknown tablet] Is it Ecstasy?

Dr. Hayward:
E we call it, Lewis. It has a few components in common with E, but whether it has the same effect, uh... Do you want to try it, Morse? Well, mice are all very well, but we do need to know the effect on the human mind. Oh, go on. Oxford is where Lewis Carroll made Alice eat the mushroom. [chuckles] Lewis?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
No. Thanks, Sir. Not in front of the Chief Inspector.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I don't know about drugs. I missed the sixties.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Sex and drugs and rock'n'roll...

Chief Inspector Morse:
They were happening all around me. I was based at Windsor when the Rolling Stones played on Eel Pie Island; I was just never in the right place at the right time.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Well... You don't like rock'n'roll.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I like sex.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Sadly to Lewis] There's something about a teenage death... All that potential about to be realized, and then...

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Referring to Holroyd's conclusions] Rubbish!

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Sarcastically] That's what I like to hear - reasoned argument logically developed.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I know I drink a bit, but... drugs. You don't know what demons drugs will let loose.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Might be angels, not demons.

[first lines]

Vicky Wilson:
Johnny, where're you going?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I hope that man's in hell-fire.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
You don't believe in hell.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I wish I did, though. Tonight I really wish I did.

[last lines]

Joyce Garrett:
You must try and forgive her. I am. Tryin'.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Y'know I'd better go. Hell of a lot to catch up on.

Joyce Garrett:
All right. See ya.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Starter homes. God Almighty!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
First step on the ladder.

Chief Inspector Morse:
To where? What sort of life do we offer our young people, Lewis? School? If you're lucky college; then marriage. A starter home; then children. A two-bedroom semi. If you do well, you've just about got to four bedrooms, when your kids leave to buy starter homes of their own!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Don't want to pay rent. Money down the drain.

Chief Inspector Morse:
This British home-owning democracy we're all so proud of; it's really a form of slavery.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
An Englishman's home is his castle, you know.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Man was born free, but everywhere he's in the property chain.

Chief Inspector Morse:
It was Mrs. Fallon I knew before she became Mrs. Fallon, Lewis. We were engaged to be married.

[talking about his mechanical bucking bronco]

William Bryce-Morgan:
It doesn't eat, it doesn't poo.

[Lewis tells Morse that he has just taken his wife to a new Indian restaurant]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I'm a steak and baked spud man myself, but Mrs Lewis likes to live on the culinary edge.

William Bryce-Morgan:
Pips! There are pips in the lemonade, man!

McGregor:
[In heavy Scottish accent] That's because there are pips in the lemons, Master William.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Curiosity becomes something of a habit with policeman.

Susan Fallon:
I shall probably be very poor company.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I doubt that.

McGregor:
Young Morse... I've seen worse.

Susan Fallon:
Yes.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Annoyed] This could take us half the night! I've been on the go since eight o'clock this morning.

Chief Inspector Morse:
So have I, Sergeant.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Yeah, but I haven't spent the last two weeks lying on a beach in Italy, have I?

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Testily] I spent my holiday engaged in cultural pursuits, Lewis, not lying on the beach.

Dr. Greer:
[to Morse] Why is it, Chief Inspector, that doctors make such bad patients?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Why would a man admit to murder and then lie about how he did it?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Unless he didn't do it.

Chief Inspector Morse:
He was monstrous, Chief Inspector. Monstrous.

John Brewster:
Was he, Mr. Brewster? Your parents and Nurse Hazlitt ruined his daughter's life. And for no other reason than to save money. You knew that and you stood by them. If Michael Steppings was monstrous, Mister Brewster, he was made monstrous.

Adele Cecil:
This anagram: "Around Eve"? I've tried and I've tried, but all I can come up with is "Endeavour". And no-one's called Endeavour. Surely?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I told you, my mother was a Quaker. And Quakers sometimes call their children names like Hope and Patience. My father was obsessed with Captain Cook, and his ship was called Endeavour. Why aren't you both laughing?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[mutters] You poor sod.

Adele Cecil:
I'm not calling you "Endeavour".

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Call him "Sir". He likes that.

Adele Cecil:
Oh no. No, I'll stick to "Morse" - like everyone else.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[raises beer glass] Cheers.

[to Morse]

Adele Cecil:
People who like crosswords have blanks in their lives, and they haven't a clue how to fill them in, don't you think.

[She hands him a drink]

Sir Clixby Bream:
I don't see the point in having power if one doesn't abuse it.

[Geoffrey Owens suggests that Morse should question his neighbours about the murder of Rachel James]

Chief Inspector Morse:
[sarcastically] Thank you, sir. It would never have occurred to me to question the neighbours.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[berating Sir Clixby Bream] You deserve *ten years*!... The *sooner* you leave Oxford, the *better*!

Chief Inspector Morse:
I've heard of mutton dressed as lamb but never before as chicken.

Dr. Julian Storrs:
Do you have witnesses when you're in bed with your wife?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm not married.

Chief Inspector Morse:
You're quite sure of the time, Mrs Storrs?

Angela Storrs:
When you get to our age, Inspector, it happens so rarely you remember every single detail.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Work... that's the secret of life. You have to buckle down and, uh, give it your best, and, uh, that's what my father said.

[Lewis has been pretending to be the college porter and has discovered a man is lying to him]

Barker:
Aren't you going to arrest him?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
What for?

Barker:
He told you a lie!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I told him lots of lies.

Chief Inspector Morse:
You heard something and the you think something? It's not a staggering weight of evidence.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Roland, people are dying all over the place. Compared to that, even cricket has to suffer.

Anthony Donn:
Do you cook or something? Or is there somebody at home you're keeping a secret?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I did live with a microwave for a while but, errr... we argued.

Jeremy Boynton:
I think our friend Chief Inspector Morse could prove to be something of a major pain in the rectum area.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
I'm taking you for a drink.

Chief Inspector Morse:
It's funny, you're the second person to say that to me today. I turned the first one down.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
This one you'll need.

Jeremy Boynton:
I have to say I'm getting a little bit aggravated.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I do that. I, uh... I rub people up the wrong way.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
You can't arrest the man just because you don't like him.

Chief Inspector Morse:
More's the pity.

Nun:
[Morse has been questioning a patient] Come out of there at once and leave my patient alone.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm sorry; I'm making enquiries.

Nun:
Then you will make them to thin air outside the gates.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I could compel you to co-operate.

Nun:
Oh, you ridiculous man! Of course you couldn't. I answer to a *much* higher authority than the Thames Valley Police.

[last lines]

[at a party, Morse is offered either orange juice or a can of Leopard lager]

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'll have the orange juice.

Lance Mandeville:
[as Morse is leaving the interrogation room] I stake my oath that Geoffrey is neither a murderer nor a thief, and may God forgive you, Chief Inspector.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I doubt if your God would have much truck with the likes of me. At least I hope he wouldn't. [He leaves]

Hilary Dobson:
[to Emma] Tell him! Tell him what's been going on here!

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Dourly] Well, someone should tell me.

Chief Inspector Morse:
He's withholding information, sir!

Chief Superintendent Strange:
[Indignantly] I've been looking at him on and off - checking. Spends most of his time on his knees, and that's where you'll be, I'm tellin' you, if you don't make this stick!

Chief Inspector Morse:
Good morning!

Emma Pickford:
I don't know whether I should be pleased or alarmed when I see you.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm only pleased when I see you.

[riding in Morse's car, listening to opera aria]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I liked that, it was good. What was it?

Chief Inspector Morse:
That, Lewis, was Maria Callas.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Was it from "Cats"?

Chief Inspector Morse:
No it most certainly was not.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
The wife wants to go to "Cats". Dunno why, she's allergic to them.

[arriving at Hanbury House]

Chief Inspector Morse:
Restored of course - look at that window.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
All that stonework, must take months to do the pointing.

Chief Inspector Morse:
You're not a bloody mason, are you?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
No such luck - I might have been a Chief Inspector by now if I was.

Chief Inspector Morse:
"Were", Lewis, if you "were". You'll never get on if you can't master your subjunctives. Keep touching your forelock, we may be back in Oxford before lunch.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Shouldn't that be "might"?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Get an ambulance to Hanbury House fast as you can. Some fool in a sports car just smashed into a tree!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[as Lady Hanbury and Dr. Russell leave separately] Lovely woman, that.

Chief Inspector Morse:
That's not a woman, Lewis, that's a Lady.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Dr. Russell, I mean.

Chief Inspector Morse:
You see, Sir Julius wasn't murdered. He fell from a great height, physically and morally. He committed suicide. We've been led up the garden path here, Lewis. A very pretty garden and a highly picturesque path.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Now lets get to the bottom of all this aristocratic flummery.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Oh. lewis, Lewis! Why does it always come down to sex?

Chief Inspector Morse:
That's what I hate most about this job - breaking the bad news.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I know. That's why you always make me do it.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Watch the mouth. It gives away what the eyes try to hide.

Jocasta Georgiadis:
[to Lewis about Morse] Does he ever say 'please' or 'thank you?'

Digby Tuckerman:
This is the time of the high flyer, Inspector. Only the brain dead stay on the ground.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Ever hear of Icarus?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Never seen a Greek tragedy, Lewis?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I saw "Zorba" and "Never on a Sunday."

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Last lines] Almost operatic... a Greek tragedy. You should try the myths, Lewis. Sex is never simple. There's pleasure... then there's payment... retribution.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Me mother used to say, 'Laughing always comes to crying.'

Chief Inspector Morse:
Virgil said to fear the Greeks... even when they come bearing gifts.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I knew there was something niggling me. My wife saw that programme. I remember her saying it must have been a terrific help to other people in the same situation.

Chief Inspector Morse:
In what way , exactly? Sounds nauseating! What is this modern compulsion to entertain unknown millions with your closest secrets?

Chief Superintendent Strange:
You come from a pre-telly generation.

[the pathologist is examining a second body, found with a chisel embedded in it The first body was murdered with a stone mason's hammer]

Pathologist:
Bring in any more and we'll soon have a full kit of tools.

[Lady Balcombe is scathing about her sons' attitude to the deaths]

Lady Emily Balcombe:
There's an air of obsequiousness in here which is positively cloying.

Lady Emily Balcombe:
What a cruel, cruel man you are!

Sir John Balcombe:
Better that than a foolish one.

[talking about deathbed confessions]

Chief Inspector Morse:
The church loves a repentant sinner. Good for business.

Chief Inspector Morse:
There's nothing trivial about fornication. It's a great pity, but there we are.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Is sex more trouble than it's worth? I keep wanting to find the answer.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Now drink that, Lewis. Loosen some brain cells.

Chief Inspector Morse:
It's murder, Lewis.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Why do you say that?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Scratches on the face, coded messages. It's right up my street.

Bernard Crowther:
Why did God create Adam and Eve as adults?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Have you ever thought about the person who designed the sports skirt? Somebody sat down and drew a fantasy and made it compulsory uniform. I can never watch Wimbledon without thanking that man.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Thing with you is if somebody tells you you can't do something, you go right on and do it, don't you?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I make it a rule!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Well, *I* thought Acum was a nice bloke...

Chief Inspector Morse:
Kiss of death, saying that to me, Lewis; makes me very suspicious. He goes straight to the top of my list!

Chief Inspector Morse:
I've spent the last week around all this money. All these beautiful places, things. People who tell me how happy they are, that they've got everything they want. Everyone is very polite, smiles at me. And I'm not convinced. I don't believe it.

Max - Pathologist:
[to Inspector Morse] Only a man without children could talk the way you do.

Chief Inspector Morse:
When I'm thinking, I get thirsty.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Lewis?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Sir?

Chief Inspector Morse:
When did she go missing?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
About six monthe ago.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Annoyed] Yes, yes, the date.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I don't know wxactly. I'd have to check in the file

Chief Inspector Morse:
What's all this about flu, Lewis?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Dunno, sir.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Imitating hin] Dunno sir.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Anything else?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lewis, but she's dead.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
How'dja know?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Well, they put me on these things when they smell a corpse. One file... anyone. Two files... Ainly or McKay. I'm the three file man... No, she's dead.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Was she happy, would you say?

Cheryl Baines:
Yes, I think so, Inspector. Slice teenagers in half and there's a great deal of melancholy, and angst, and rage.

Morse:
Have you ever thought about the person who designed the sports skirt? Somebody sat down & drew a fantasy, and made it compulsory uniform. I can never watch Wimbledon without thanking that man

[recovering in an ambulance after being rescued from a fire in his house]

Chief Inspector Morse:
[plaintively] Where's Lewis? I want Lewis!

[pointing a gun at Morse]

Hugo De Vries:
I'm going to kill you. Or am I?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Lewis, do you believe in evil?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
What?

Chief Inspector Morse:
No, no. It's no use blaming things on the Devil or God, but some people seem to be wicked for the sake of it. There may not be a devil, but there's devilry all right.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[to Lewis] Not interested in alcohol - McNutt... his one serious failing.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
You know, Lewis, Morse is a very good copper, but sometimes he's more trouble than he's worth.

Hugo De Vries:
[to Morse] I enjoy being dead - takes the strain out of living.

Hugo De Vries:
Life and death... darkness and light... none of it matters.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[to Lewis] It's quite interesting beiong the hunted for once instead of the hunter. You should try it. Gives you insight into the criminal mind.

Hugo De Vries:
Why do policemen always go around in pairs, like low comedians?

Chief Inspector Morse:
They don't spell Australian beer with four Xs out of ignorance - they mean what they say. And *light* beer is an invention of the Prince of Darkness.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Seeing no one in town] Where is everyone? Do Australians take siestas or what?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Admiring the beautiful countryside] Garden of Eden, this is!

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Laconically] In that case, watch out for snakes.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Frustrated and depressed, to Lewis] What's happening to me, Lewis? I don't know what I'm doing anymore!

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Condescendingly] Why don't you get back to your steak, Lewis? It should be just about leathery enough for you now.

Sergeant Scott Humphries:
[Drunkenly to Lewis] Got the right woman - this is the best little countryin the world. The best! The right woman... Why is it that the right woman is always shacked up with the wrong man? Ay?... Ay?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[referring to her mother's stroke] Is your mother okay?

Karen Harding:
This is her second one. She never really got her speech back from the first.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
My auntie had a stroke. She lost her speech. She was right as rain in six months.

Karen Harding:
It doesn't rain here.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[to Morse] I think that you're suffering from a serious shortage of beer.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Cynically about Australia] A promised land full of promissory notes.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[to a depressed and remorseful Morse] You blame yourself too much, you know that? You're always blamin' yourself.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I've got a lot to blame myself for...

Chief Inspector Morse:
We're not exactly bosom friends, and I don't like the idea of not being trusted to do my job.

Catherine Dawson:
Oh no. No, no, you'd be wrong to believe that, Inspector; I mean, Patrick thinks your a very good detective. Poor policeman and a very good detective.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[laughs] Really?

Catherine Dawson:
[Before sipping her wine] O-o-oh.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Well, I suppose, half a compliment is better than none.

Catherine Dawson:
Yes.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Concerning Redpath's explanations] What do you think?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I've never heard so many lies. It was like sitting through an election campaign.

[the pathologist has just given Morse a post-mortem report including some rather glib descriptions]

Chief Inspector Morse:
[sarcastically] "Lights-out"? "Whammo"? Are those medical terms, doctor?

Pathologist:
I prefer to keep things simple, Chief Inspector. Especially when dealing with policemen.

[last lines]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
That badge of yours, why did you keep it?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Vanity, I suppose. It was my first public speech.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Did you win?

Chief Inspector Morse:
No. We lost.

Chief Inspector Morse:
The connection is Frederick Redpath.

Detective Chief Inspector Patrick Dawson:
Why would he go back the following day? It's irrational.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Murder is irrational... and murderers.

Dr. Starkie:
Morse - that's a good Oxford name.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Is it?

Dr. Starkie:
Same as Morris. Morse, Morris, both from the French Mau-rice - swarthy. You're the wrong branch of the family; you might have been in charge of British Leyland.

Chief Inspector Morse:
It's Austin Rover now, sir.

Chief Inspector Morse:
The vicar didn't seem to want to discuss it. It's a very funny thing, but as soon as someone doesn't want to discuss something, I do.

[quoting the motto of St Augustine of Hippo]

Archdeacon:
[chuckles] "Give me chastity and continence, O Lord - but not yet". That was his unregenerate motto.

[in the Pitt Rivers Museum]

Chief Inspector Morse:
Is this stuff valuable?

Jane Cotterell:
Some of it, very. But of course all the most valuable artifacts are checked regularly.

Chief Inspector Morse:
And which are they?

Jane Cotterell:
Well the most popular - the things people most want to pinch - are the shrunken heads.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[chuckles] I know plenty of people with shrunken *brains*!

Chief Inspector Morse:
Is this a dagger which I see before me? I'd rather see a pint.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[referring to Brenda Brooks] That woman is too cool. It's like she's got it all rehearsed.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
She was crying!

Chief Inspector Morse:
Not behind the eyes.

[Strange wonders what sort of texts Heironymous St John's shop sells. To Morse's amazement, Lewis shows off his newly-acquired knowledge of the Occult]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[glibly] Oh, exegeses on ancient grimoires, I should think, sir.

[Sergeant Brenner brags about his undercover abilities]

Sergeant Brenner:
I, personally, can be buried in a hole in the ground for up to three days.

[Morse wonders whether Dr Martin would have killed Barrie if the police hadn't intervened. She holds up a ring which belonged to one of his other rape victims]

Dr. Esther Martin:
When you find the owner of this ring, tell her what I did. You'll find the answer to your question there.

John Peter Barrie:
[Contemptuously to the Canon as he plays the church organ] You play like a man with ten thumbs, Priest!

John Peter Barrie:
[Contemptuously from the shadows to the Canon] Did I frighten you, Shaman? It's only a shadow, you fat fool. A parlor trick!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Speaking of Barrie] How can someone so bright believe in all that stuff?

Canon Humphrey Appleton:
I believe in an historical figure who made the lame walk and the blind see, and who raised himself up from the dead, or don't you believe that, Sergeant?

Chief Inspector Morse:
We're about to enter the Third Millennium, Canon.

Canon Humphrey Appleton:
Yes, but the occult will always be with us, Chief Inspector. It reflects a part of our nature.

Dr. Esther Martin:
I really did try to understand Barrie. But... being so near him in the hospital, all that time... I thought I'd go mad. Perhaps I did. Because at some point, I'd decided to kill him.

Chief Inspector Morse:
And Barrie himself provided the method, with his obsession about betrayal?

Dr. Esther Martin:
Yes. When I told him about the dreams, he said if I was really Ashtoreth's medium, I could tell him who betrayed him. So, I described my own ordeal, and I told him he'd been betrayed by the other man. Then he said if I was Ashtoreth's medium, I could get him out of the hospital. So, I began to see a way that I could pay them both back. It was as thought we were locked together in some absurd game, each driven by our own hatred. The rest you know, Chief Inspector.

[Morse has just arrested Russell Clark who is now being led away for questioning]

Russell Clark:
It must be terrible to live with your level of distrust. You know what I think? I think it's sexual inadequacy - you don't get a lot of success with women.

Chief Inspector Morse:
You'll have *plenty* of time to reflect on *that*!

Claudio Battisti:
In prison he came to know himself, to forgive himself, and then to reconstruct himself.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Self, self, self - that's Clark all right!

[showing Lewis the sights of Italy]

Chief Inspector Morse:
The arena, Lewis. Built by the Romans for their games. Carnage and brutality. Now it's an opera house. I could almost believe in progress.

Blanche Copley-Barnes:
[to Morse] Do you dibble and hoe, Inspector?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Why didn't he come to us about his kid?

Chief Inspector Morse:
They owned him, he had no power. Not a soul would have believed him.

Blanche Copley-Barnes:
[after identifying her husband's umbrella] Well, do we make the proverbial noises now?

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm sorry?

Blanche Copley-Barnes:
Well aren't we supposed to say "would you like a drink?" so you can say "not while I'm on duty" then I provide tea instead?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Tea would go down nicely...

Chief Inspector Morse:
[interrupting Lewis abruptly] We don't have time, I'm afraid.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
[Referring to the corpse] Shall I show you?

Chief Inspector Morse:
No, thank you, my dear. I'll leave that to Sergeant Lewis.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
I do wish you wouldn't call me 'your dear,' Morse.

Chief Inspector Morse:
How does one address a lady psychologist first thing in the morning?

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
[Dryly] Well, 'Doctor' would do.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
[From her car as Morse heads toward a pub] Need any help?

Chief Inspector Morse:
My mother always insisted I should have a proper breakfast.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
Medical opinion would agree with her.

Chief Inspector Morse:
As Virgil pointed out, 'There's no such thing as a free lunch.'

Sir Alexander Reece:
[to Carol] I'll get some more champagne. It's a great persuador.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Isn't it your round?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Do you think another one's a good idea?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Think? That's why I want it - to think. I don't drink for pleasure!

[Lewis tells Strange that Morse is a bit grumpy today]

Chief Superintendent Strange:
[dryly] No change there, then!

[Morse is exasperated that Dr Hobson can't give a more accurate estimate of time of death]

Chief Inspector Morse:
[ironically] Can't you be *less* precise?

[Morse asks Lewis whether he noticed a car following him as he was following the bus with Harry Repp on board]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Behind me?

Chief Inspector Morse:
It's not the pantomime season, Lewis!

[Sir Lionel Phelps boasts about his sex games with Yvonne Harrison]

Chief Inspector Morse:
"Kinky rumpy-pumpy" is what my sergeant would call it.

Sandra Harrison:
You don't understand.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
No.

Sandra Harrison:
Morse will.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[shouts] Inspector Morse is dead!

[Morse recites Housman's poem "The Remorseful Day" to Lewis as they sit having a drink outside a pub]

Chief Inspector Morse:
Ensanguining the skies / How heavily it dies / Into the west away; / Past touch and sight and sound, / Not further to be found, / How hopeless underground / Falls the remorseful day.

[Morse's last words]

Morse:
Thank Lewis for me.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[about a satchel full of money] Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Blackmail!

Chief Inspector Morse:
I don't like the obvious.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Yeah, I know you don't, sir, but sometimes it's, it's just - obvious!

Chief Inspector Morse:
It's your case, Lewis.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Yeah, now it is, yeah. Was yours though, wasn't it first off?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Strange mentioned that, did he?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
In passing.

Chief Inspector Morse:
He didn't say why he took me off it by any chance?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
No. You must have some idea surely, sir.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Hunh. Strange by name!

Chief Inspector Morse:
Weddings and funerals, they loosen tongues in my experience; so eyes and ears, Lewis.

[last lines]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[kisses Morse's body on the forehead] Goodbye, sir.

Chief Inspector Morse:
How about an informed guess?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Certainly not. I inform you, and then you do the guessing; that's the usual procedure.

[Morse explains to Camilla why he never married]

Chief Inspector Morse:
Too choosy, too hesitant, too lazy, too busy.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Looking at Grayling in an evening dress at a dance] We were just saying you look very, um... off-duty tonight.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
[Approaching a dead body in a car in evening dress] Any blood, Inspector?

Chief Inspector Morse:
No.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
Good. This dress cost a fortune; I'd have had to step out of it.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[to Lewis] It's a question of 'find the frau.' There's a woman in there somewhere.

[first lines]

Rosemary Henderson:
[answers telephone] Yes?

George Henderson:
Don't go, tonight. I beg you, Rosemary, please. Don't go.

Rosemary Henderson:
You are drinking again.

George Henderson:
Don't go, Rosemary. I'll come home. [pause] Please. [Rosemary hangs up]

[last lines]

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
You owe me a dance. Oh, I can dance to anything.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Really?

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
Yeah.

Chief Inspector Morse:
You should try dancing to the back end of Lohengrin sometime.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
No. No. Let's have something from Parsifal since we're going to a performance.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Uh, look, um... no, we're uh... we're not. I'm sorry, uh, it's uh...

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
Oh. [she holds up two tickets]

Chief Inspector Morse:
Where did you get those!

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
I wish I could say from a grateful patient, like any decent healer.

Chief Inspector Morse:
But how?

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
By phoning the box office night and day to ask about returns. By diverting my technician from a highly complex analysis of stomach contents to go in to collect them. By then ask...

Chief Inspector Morse:
You're amazing. You shall have your wish. [takes an album from his collection and removes the record from the sleeve] I don't believe this.

Dr. Grayling Russell - Pathologist:
Why, what have you found?

Chief Inspector Morse:
My lost tickets.

[Morse denies that he is deliberately avoiding a senior officer]

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm not running away from Superintendent Dewar, Lewis - I'm just respecting his space.

Chief Inspector Morse:
The most suspicious thing is an excellent alibi.

Chief Inspector Morse:
That's what we do to clergymen sometimes... insult Christ through them. And they wilt under it.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
We should have arrested Donald Martin straightaway.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Why?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Morse's Law. You said there's a 50:50 chance that whoever finds the body did the deed.

Chief Inspector Morse:
That isn't Morse's Law. Morse's Law is "There's always time for one more pint".

Philip Ogleby:
A woman would get in the way of my work. That's my excuse. What's yours?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Oh, no woman'd put up with me - I play my records too loud.

Philip Ogleby:
You could get her earplugs!

[Dr Bartlett has just admitted that he nearly went to see "Last Tango in Paris" at the cinema]

Doctor Thomas Bartlett:
I was wondering if I shouldn't tell my wife.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Tell her what? That you *didn't* see the film? Adultery in the heart is not really the same as adultery. Or "who shall 'scape whipping?".

Chief Inspector Morse:
I sometimes - sometimes - get things arse about face.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
So he did kill Nicholas Quinn.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Or did he, did he? Nah! How could he have done? He set the best crosswords in England.

Chief Inspector Morse:
The secret of a happy life is to know when to stop - and then go that bit further.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I always drink at lunchtime. It helps my imagination.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[standing in front of movie poster for The Last Tango In Paris] You ever seen this?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
No!

Chief Inspector Morse:
Me neither.

[guilelessly]

Chief Inspector Morse:
My doctor says I should lose some weight, stop eating butter, start eating, uh, polyunsaturates, whatever they are. Not quite the same though, is it, Lewis?

[last lines]

Chief Inspector Morse:
Oh, no, they've changed the bloody film!

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Woah, '101 Dalmatians'. Great! I might pop home and fetch the wife and kids.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Lewis walks in as Morse is fighting with the killer] Need a hand, sir?

Chief Inspector Morse:
GET THIS BASTARD OFF ME!

Philip Ogleby:
[to Morse] One of the few true pleasures of the bachelor life, as I am sure you have found for yourself, is the opportunity for guiltless self-indulgence.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
You're not going to believe this, Sir - we have to visit a brewery!

Wheatley:
I'm the white knight, Morse.

Chief Inspector Morse:
But who's the dragon, George?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[to Morse] You should have seen the papers! They have half the Amazon Rain Forest there!

Chief Inspector Morse:
[ Cynically to Lewis] Death always makes people close ranks... death... and money.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Final lines] Fancy a pint, sir?

Chief Inspector Morse:
[after a pause] You know, Lewis, I'm not absolutely sure I do.

Victor Preece:
[to Morse] When I come out, I'll get you too. [leaves with constables]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I shouldn't worry about it, sir. By the time he comes out, you'll be long gone.

Chief Inspector Morse:
You're wasted as a copper, Lewis. You should have joined the Diplomatic Service.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Death would have been instant, would it not?

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Annoyed] "Occurred instantaneously", Lewis, or "was instantaneous" if you must. Coffee may be instant, death may not.

Dr. Laura Hobson, pathologist:
Yes, Sergeant, it would have been instant.

Dr. Laura Hobson, pathologist:
[Meeting Morse for the first time] Do you know where I might find a Detective Chief Inspector... looks like "Mouse"?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Morse. Detective Chief Inspector Morse.

Chief Inspector Morse:
The glass is always half-full to you, isn't it, Lewis?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
"If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same".

Chief Inspector Morse:
Kipling.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
No, All England Lawn Tennis Association, sir. It's written up above the players' entrance, Centre Court.

Chief Inspector Morse:
So it is.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
[Surprised as Morse is pulling up] Morning, sir.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Dryly] Lewis.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I didn't expect you back in for a few weeks, yeah?

Chief Inspector Morse:
A man can see enough of his own four walls.

DCI Martin Johnson:
[Referring to Morse] What's he doin' here?

Chief Superintendent Strange:
I'm assigning Morse investigating officer on this, Johnson.

DCI Martin Johnson:
[resentful] What's this? Give a dog a bone week?

Chief Superintendent Strange:
I want someone to give me the full picture, not edited highlights.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
Well, you better not walk out of the woods with something more than just a shovel in your hands, matey, or you'll be the laughing stock of Thames Valley.

Chief Inspector Morse:
It wouldn't be the first time.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
No, but it might just be the last!

Chief Inspector Morse:
Once upon a time we solved crime with a brain and a notebook. These days it's pie charts and a notebook. The romance is gone.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Perhaps it's time to go, but be careful what you wish for.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
How's that?

Chief Inspector Morse:
There's always a price to pay, Lewis... always.

[talking about Sister Nessie]

Adele Cecil:
Do you think she comes from around Loch Ness?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Bottom of it, I should think!

[Sister Nessie interrupts Morse and Adele as they are talking. She needs to give Morse an injection]

Sister Nessie MacLean:
I need his buttocks.

[PC Kershaw gives his verdict on Morse's car. Morse is not impressed!]

PC Adrian Kershaw:
It's a terrific piece of retro postmodern nostalgia.

Dr. Millicent 'Millie' Van Buren:
The institute of criminology has some really great archives here.

Chief Inspector Morse:
That's because Oxford has many scholars and not enough policemen.

Chief Superintendent Strange:
[entering Morse's hospital room] You got a temperature?

Chief Inspector Morse:
[annoyed] Everyone's got a temperature!

Chief Inspector Morse:
[to his doctor] To make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.

Chief Inspector Morse:
They say sex can be very good for the over sixty-fives.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Oh, do they?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Especially if you didn't get much before sixty-five.

Cedric Downes:
You know, I was a Jesus in one of the less fashionable colleges, Wales you know, founded 1671.

Janet Roscoe:
I thought Jesus was at Cambridge.

Sheila Williams:
No, no, he went to Bethlehem tech.

Janet Roscoe:
Is that what they mean by the English sense of humour?

Sheila Williams:
Where else would he go to do carpentry?

Chief Inspector Morse:
If anyone wants me, they'll find me looking at fish... through the bottom of a beer glass.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm sorry, sir, thieves almost never give things back.

Chief Inspector Morse:
I don't think, Lewis, I deduce. I only ever deduce.

Eddie Poindexter:
Goddamn it, inspector! If you don't understand temptation, what kind of a policeman are you?"

Helen Buscott, Baydon's secretary:
The Secretary of State wonders if you can spare a word.

Andrew Baydon:
Knobhead! That's a word I can spare - knobhead!

Chief Inspector Morse:
Allowing the pages of The Sun to pass before your eyes does not amount to reading, Lewis.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Better drag the river, I suppose. You know, it would be nice to enjoy the Isis once in a while, instead of having to fish bodies out of it.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
You're not suffering job stress, are you, Sir?

Mrs. Thompson:
He lives over there somewhere. [Realizing she may be casting suspicion] But I didn't mean... I hope you don't think that I wa...

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I never think, Ma'm. sergeants aren't allowed to - not in Thames Valley.

Mrs. Thompson:
Hunnh?

Lord Hinksey:
[to the Vice-Chancellor] Go on, Go on! What's the point of high office if you can't use your influence?

Andrew Baydon:
No one really likes opera. People only go for the intervals.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[to Lewis, referring to where the shot came from] Why then, it must be the library, but why choose a place notorious for silence to fire a shot?

Librarian:
Inspector, it's lunchtime. A lot of people are getting hungry.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Send out for sandwiches.

Librarian:
[Officiously] This is a library. Eating is strictly forbidden! If you're a graduate of the university, I would have thought you would have known that.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Annoyed] Oh, then, you'll just have to wait until the officer in charge says you can go out.

Lord Hinksey:
[referring to honorary doctorates] You know, however many you've got, they do die with you.

Andrew Baydon:
I think I can live with that.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
You look done in.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[Depressively] I am... done in.

Chief Inspector Morse:
[He puts down his pen and sighs] Art and life, Lewis. Art and life.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Oh, yeah?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Always preferred art myself. Don't know about life. I'm glad to meet people like Bayden. I'm not that sorry but... Today, I supposed because I've always thought of artista as... [Shrugs]... as being something different.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
My dad used to love football - but he didn't like footballers. You have to keep the people that do things apart from what they do.

[Lewis is thinking of applying for promotion and a transfer to Traffic Division]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
I might not pass the exam. Even if I did, it could be months before there's a promotion vacancy. The thing is, sir, I have to have your recommendation. And what I need to know is... d'you think I'm good enough to be recommended for promotion?

[long pause]

Chief Inspector Morse:
I'm sorry to tell you, Lewis... that the answer to that... is yes.

[last lines]

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
About me, going on and on, sir...

Chief Inspector Morse:
To traffic?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Exactly. I've been having a bit of a rethink. The missus reckons I'd be miserable, and I'm not sure a hat would suit me just at the moment. Maybe I'll give meself another year.

Lewis:
Tired, sir?

Morse:
Yes.

Lewis:
Why is that?

Morse:
Lack of sleep.

Paul Eirl:
[Referring to Eirl] We've got a very important corpse on our hands.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Yes, I preferred him as a suspect.

Helen Field:
I always thought Harry and I would have time to... agree to terms of peace before our old age. It's always later than you think, isn't it?

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Tired, sir?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Ye-e-es.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
Why's that?

Chief Inspector Morse:
Lack of sleep.

Chief Inspector Morse:
Here we are again, Lewis... putting together the last moments of a complete stranger's life... showing more concern for him than we would when he was alive.

Detective Sergeant Lewis:
He wasn't our problem when he was alive, was he?

Harry Field Senior:
[Speaking of art] Two golden rules of forgery, Mr. Morse, spontaniety and never do Raphael.

Morse:
Where’s the family?

Lewis:
I asked them to wait in the drawing room, sir.

Morse:
Is there a butler?

Lewis:
I didn’t see one, no.

Morse:
Pity. It might have saved us a lot of time.