Jackie Chan Adventures

Capt. Black, Jackie, Jade:
Tohru has a mommy?

[repeated line]

Uncle:
One more thing...

[repeated line]

Jackie:
Bad day.

[repeated line]

Jackie:
Sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you!

[repeated line]

Jackie:
That's crazy, Jade. You're crazy.

[repeated line]

Uncle:
Aiiee-yaaaahh!

Uncle:
Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fie Di Jow!... Evil spirits and malevolent demons, be gone!

Uncle:
Uncle does not know. Does Uncle look like psychic?

Uncle:
Uncle is grumpy old geezer...!

Uncle:
Do not question Uncle!

Uncle:
Magic must defeat magic!

Elvin Elf:
Sir, security reports world wide air space clearance for tonight's flight.

Elf:
Transport reports Donnor and Blitzen are acting up, your jolliness.

Santa Claus:
Ho ho ho! Oh, those rascals always get the jitters before showtime.

Jade:
Are you *sure* Uncle isn't running a fever?

Jackie:
Jade, Uncle loves Christmas. [Quietly to Jade] It is when sales are best. [Uncle slaps Jackie]

Uncle:
Commercialism not important. Christmas spirit is!

Uncle:
Tooth Fairy does not exist.

Jade:
Ha! See?

Uncle:
But Santa Claus does.

Jade:
Huh?

Uncle:
I have research to prove it.

Tohru:
But what would Dalong Wong want with Santa?

Jackie:
Uh, revenge for years of coal.

Jade:
Duh! Wong's part grinch. He wants to ruin Christmas! Not that Santa's for real.

Jade:
There's no margin for error guys. If we're gonna save Santa, we need more muscle.

Jackie:
Oh, she's having one of her moments.

Jade:
We need the J Team!

Santa Claus:
Strange friend, your desire for cheese will not prevail against good.

Dalong Wong:
CHI! Not cheese!

Elf:
It takes a *very* big man to fill the big man's shoes.

Jade:
Hmm. How big we talking?

Tohru:
[Realizing what Jade has in mind] Oh no!

Tohru:
Uh, giddy up.

Jade:
[pause the reindeer don't react] Tch. On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, On Vixen... [the sleigh takes off]

Jade:
Down the chimney you go. Hit it T!

Tohru:
But I am not chimney friendly.

Uncle:
[as they're fighting] Mistletoe!

Dalong Wong:
[Looks up] Yargh!

Uncle:
Made you look!

Uncle:
Not Viking Opera. Peking Opera with very special performers.

Jackie:
[Reading the tickets] 7 Little Fortunes? [Jackie gasps] But Uncle that is...

Uncle:
Troupe with which I received my Opera training.

Uncle:
Jade, pay attention. [Jade groans as Uncle takes away her game. Then Uncle notices Jackie working] Hmph.

Jackie:
Er, I am multi-tasking.

Uncle:
[Uncle takes away his notepad] Now you are *one*-tasking!

Jade:
[to Jackie and Tohru] So you think Uncle's old friend calls him "Uncle" too?

Wing:
[to Uncle] Chuckles, is that you?

Uncle:
Who can forget those fuzzy caterpillers living over your eyes?

Wing:
And your never ending pranks, and the gift of laughter.

Jade:
Is he talking about the same guy?

Wing:
So much talent. You might have been the grandest clown in this or *any* troupe. But you chose to abandon the magic of the theater for other kinds of magic. Turning you back on your study and brotherhood.

Uncle:
With great sorrow, brother Wing. But I discovered my *true* calling.

Jade:
Well, it's obvious mega-brow is the ringleader of the gang.

Uncle:
No! Beetlebrow may be a stubborn, self-righteous, intolerant mule. But I know him to be honorable and incorruptable. He would never tolerate criminals in his company.

Jackie:
But Uncle we saw them...

Uncle:
Promise me, you will leave matters to the Police.

Jackie:
[Jackie groans] I promise.

Jade:
[Quietly to herself] That makes one of us.

Jackie:
Jade, we just can't go out there. If Uncle sees us...

Jade:
Uncle won't need to know it's us.

Jackie:
[Realizing what Jade has in mind] You have to be kidding.

Wing:
What is the meaning of...

Uncle:
It would seem the sanctity of your stage has been previously... dishonored.

Jackie:
Clowning around has its moments. But I think I will stick with my calling archeology.

Wing:
I will always wish the opera had kept you, my friend.

Uncle:
That is my cue to say goodbye. [Uncle starts to leave. Then stops and turns around] One more thing, I hope it will not be another 60 years before we meet again, Beetlebrow.

Wing:
As do I, Chuckles.

Jackie:
Captain Black, I cannot find Jade anywhere.

Capt. Black:
Good. We have a major operation going down and I can't risk her being underfoot.

Jackie:
Uhh, Jade is always underfoot. If she is not under my feet, and not under your feet, whose feet is she under?

Capt. Black:
...Oh no!

Jackie:
Hurry Jade may be in terrible danger!

Capt. Black:
I'm sure Tag has everything under control.

Jackie:
You think so?

Capt. Black:
No.

Tagert McStone:
Who are you? Why are you following me?

Jade:
Uh, Captain Black sent me.

Tagert McStone:
Hmm. Little girl with dark hair who tags along and is an obvious liar. I've heard of you. You're Jade. Section 13 has classified you as the ultimate security risk! You've jeopardized my mission!

Jade:
Whoa, you need to calm down, Captain Bloodpressure.

Jade:
Now who's going to defeat Dr. Necrosis and destroy his Doomsday device?... Uncle Jackie?

Jackie:
Oh no. Destroying a Doomsday Device sounds too dangerous.

Jade:
Well sure if you say it like that.

Jade:
[after Jackie sends the transport away before they can board it] See? This is why we can't buy you anything nice.

Jade:
[after Jackie uses Tag as a weapon] Careful you don't hurt Agent Tag.

Jackie:
Him? What about me?

Jackie:
Stay here! [Jackie leaves]

Jade:
Stay here? Tch. When will he learn?

Dr. Necrosis:
You are not what I expected Agent Tag. Although your disguise as a buffon was most convincing.

Jackie:
But I am not Agent Tag. I am Jackie Chan, a researcher!

Dr. Necrosis:
Of course if you were Agent Tag, you would deny it emphatically.

Jackie:
No. I would claim to be Agent Tag, assuming you would not believe me.

Dr. Necrosis:
Then I would anticipate your assumption and I would not believe you.

Jackie:
I would foresee your anticipating my assumption of you're not believing me.

Dr. Necrosis:
But how could you predict I would expect your forseeing my anticipation of your assuming by not believing! HAH! Answer me that.

Jackie:
I do not even know what you just said!

Dr. Necrosis:
Precisely what I expected you to say, Agent Tag!

Tagert McStone:
Mr. Chan, you're a genius.

Jade:
Nope. Just a researcher.

Tagert McStone:
[to Dr. Necrosis] Doctor, it hurts when I do THIS!

[Knocks out Dr. Necrosis]

Valmont:
[Chow was taping the map] You got that didn't you?

Chow:
Uh, pretty much all of it, before we, uh, ran out of tape.

Finn:
Dude, RUN!

Jackie:
Hmm, I suppose this is one time you *could* come along and not be in the way.

Jade:
YES!... Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

Jackie:
[answering his cell phone] Hello?

Jade:
Jackie, the Dark Hand guys are right outside the Wax Museum.

Jackie:
What? Jade, how do you do that?... Never mind, do nothing until I get there.

Jade:
Can't hear you [Jade makes static sounds into her cell phone] You're breaking [Jade makes more static sounds] up.

Ratso:
[picking up Jade] Say "Cheese" princess.

Tohru:
[Tohru picks up Ratso] "Cheese princess."

Finn:
[Jackie steps out of a taxi as the Dark Hand is about to fight Tohru] Chan!

Chow:
Does this qualify as being outnumbered?

Ratso:
Works for me!

Jade:
Look, Lar, Jackie Chan here is going to be the next big action superstar! And you have the opportunity to get in on the ground floor.

Jackie:
Jade...

Jade:
Right. Did I mention that he does all his own stunts?

Shendu:
Greetings Tchang Zu

Tchang Zu:
What took you so long?

Shendu:
Just the usual interference from Jackie Chan.

Tchang Zu:
Then he will interfere no longer!

Uncle:
Jade *never* does nothing.

Jackie:
I know, but I feel I have to say it.

Tohru:
We know of a Mexican restaurant where Uncle found the castinets.

Jackie:
In Chinatown?

Uncle:
Hollywood is a strange and mysterious place.

Finn:
Hey folks, hate to interrupt snack time but...

Jade:
Fetch! [Tosses her energy bar over the heads of the Dark Warriors. The ox charges through them to get the snack]

Jackie:
I guess one should never come between a hungry ox and its vittles.

Uncle:
[as Jackie is fighting Hak Foo on the wings of a flying airplane] Tohru. Help Jackie!

Tohru:
[Tohru gulps] Out there?

Jackie:
You can finish introductions later, Jade. It's almost time for school.

Jade:
[Jade gasps] School?

Jackie:
All good things must come to an end, even Spring Break.

Ratso:
[Appearing at the carnival] Ooo games. Who wants to play Whack-a-Mole? [Ratso starts to move towards the games, but Hak Foo grabs him]

Hak Foo:
We are here to whack real animals. This time we will *not* fail!

Drew:
Come on, Jade. I've never seen a *magic* animal tricks.

Jade:
Shouldn't you be annoying people at your own booth, Drew?

Jade:
Drew, buddy. Hold the fort for me. And whatever you do, *don't* touch anything! [Runs off. ]

Drew:
Sure thing, Jade.

Drew:
[after watching the animals use their magic] Whoa. I wonder what else Jade's been saying that's true.

Hak Foo:
So, you have come for the animals.

Jackie:
Uh, what animals?

Jade:
Uh, yeah. Heh. I don't see any animals. [the magical animals run past them]

Uncle:
Ai Ya!

Jade:
I bet you're wondering why all the animals...

Jackie:
I *know* why!

Jackie:
Remain here.

Jade:
But Jackie, there are 9 animalsl, 4 evil dudes and only 3 of you. We need to even things...

Jackie:
Jade, you have caused enough trouble. [Jackie leaves]

Jade:
You're right, I have... Which is why I have to make things right!

Hak Foo:
I will take the rat.

Supermoose:
Ta-da-la-da! Antler Action! [Supermoose hits Hak Foo]

Jade:
You'll take the moose. On the jaw!

Supermoose:
Evil on the loose, you do not want to mess with Supermoose!

Miss Hartman:
Jade, would you mind explaining exactly *what* happened at your booth yesterday?

Jade:
Uh, would you believe...

Drew:
The Dark Warriors like appeared out of thin air. And -and the - the magic animals ran off and disappeared and stuff.

Miss Hartman:
Oh Drew, I think you've been spending too much time with Jade.

Jackie:
[after Jackie crash lands at a family dinner table] Uh, pass the bok choy please.

Jackie:
Uncle, why won't you sleep?

Uncle:
Because I have demons on the brain. I lay down all I hear is: chi spell. Chi spell! Chi spell!

Jackie:
Have you tried counting sheep?

Uncle:
[Uncle gasps] Demons always eat sheep.

Capt. Black:
Jackie, we've spotted the Dark Hand.

Jackie:
I'm on my way!

Capt. Black:
Care to know where you're going?

Jackie:
I don't care. Anywhere but here!

Capt. Black:
Okay.

Uncle:
[after Jade turns off the TV] I can hear the electricity in wires. Unplug!

Uncle:
[Jade enters Uncle's dream] Jade. How happy I am to see you.

Jade:
You are?

Uncle:
You are my *favorite* person in the *whole* wide world.

Jade:
You're not Uncle! What have done with him?

Uncle:
You need the key ingredient found in every chi spell: hair of ewe.

Jade:
Didn't know my hair was so potent.

Dai Gui:
You are either a very large grub, or this Jackie Chan of whom all demons speak.

Jackie:
Grub. Grub.

Dai Gui:
Consider yourself buried Jackie Chan!

Jade:
[Nervous chuckle after accidentally hitting Jackie with a Chi spell] Aim still needs work.

Uncle:
I see no hair of ewe.

Jade:
I keep plucking, I'm going to get a bald spot.

Uncle:
No Jade. Ewe. A female sheep.

Tohru:
You should have made Uncle's tea stronger. He is still cranky.

Jade:
I don't think there's enough tea in China to simmer Uncle down. But I'll take Mr. Sourpuss over Mr. Happypants any day! [Jade hugs Uncle]

Tohru:
If I was a clone, would I know?

Museum Curator:
And of course the brains who put the "J" in J-Team...

Jade:
Jade! And her trusty sidekick Jackie!

Viper:
[Sarcastically] Really. I appreciate you guys giving me the benefit of the doubt.

Jade:
I smell a rat in bull's clothing. [Takes of El Toro Fuerte's mask ]

El Toro Fuerte Clone:
El Toro Furete *never* removes his mask!

Jade:
Eww!

El Toro Fuerte:
And what about the - uh - mask?

Capt. Black:
Nada. The lab says its constituent parts aren't based in any science we know.

Jade:
Then maybe it's time to bring in the man from Uncle!

Capt. Black:
You mean we're dealing with clones?

Uncle:
Ai Ya! Who said anything about clowns? We are dealing with forces more powerful than circus!

Jackie Clone:
[as he's escaping] I'm sorry I'll be back to destroy you later. Thank you!

Jade:
Paco has a clone and I don't? Way unfair!

Jade:
[the J Team clones appear] Where's mine?

Jade Clone:
[appearing] Okay team, let's rock!

Viper Clone:
What's the kid doing here?

Jackie Clone:
[Groans] She never listens.

Jade, Jade Clone:
Let's rock team!

Jackie, Jackie Clone:
[Holding them back] Jade, leave this to the grown ups.

Jade:
Paco just can't accept the fact that Supermoose is like so last year.

Paco:
Is not. El Cuernedo Poderoso is the *greatest* masked hero *ever*!

El Toro Fuerte:
*The* greatest?

Quetzalcoatl:
Who dares trespass in my lair?

El Toro Fuerte:
The Talisman's power?

Jackie:
Motion to the motionless.

Jade:
Uh I sort of see a resemblance, but come on. My do's way sassier than hers.

Quetzalcoatl:
I see you have not lost your sense of humor, Chiachoatl. Come. Let us complete our journey.

Jade:
Uh, what journey?

Quetzalcoatl:
We must fly together into the sun.

Quetzalcoatl:
Let us fly into the sun. So that our combined magic will rain down on the Earth and protect the land from the forces of darkness.

Uncle:
What is more important than talking to Uncle?

Jackie:
I am in a speeding mining cart fleeing a reanimated Mayan statue trying to seize Jade so he can fly her into the sun.

Uncle:
Why did you not say so? It seems you have found the rat.

Dalong Wong:
[after Jade makes some marks on Dalong Wong's head] You just stand there?

Finn:
Hey, watch and learn. Remember?

Quetzalcoatl:
[Dalong Wong puts Quetzalcoatl in a dark chi bubble] Dark magic. So you are truly Xolotl. [to Jade] But then you...

Jade:
Uh, talk later! [Runs off]

Quetzalcoatl:
Princess!

Jackie:
She never listens.

Dalong Wong:
[to his dark warriors] See. The first lesson of battle: surprise the enemy.

Jade:
[Jade takes the rat away from Dalong Wong] Surprise!

Jade:
Hey, uh, supermooses, supermeese... you guys! Free my friends!

Quetzalcoatl:
[Looking at the rat] Such power within this small creature. [to Jackie and the others] And such courage within you. With heroes such as you protecting the land from the forces of darkness. I am content to return to my proper place. [Quetzalcoatl pets the rat and starts to revert to a statue] Quetzalcoatl bids you farewell.

Jackie:
Why did I let you talk me into this?

Jade:
You said it yourself Jackie, you're too fat.

Jackie:
[Groans] I said I am too heavy to climb the totem pole without risk of damaging it, Jade.

Uncle:
Ingredient for removal spell was very rare. [Slaps Captain Black] With no removal spell, we must ensure no one wears mask.

Capt. Black:
Will do!

Jade:
Look out! [Captain Black exits car and looks up. The Oni mask lands on his face]

Jackie:
Captain Black!

Jade:
I said look out, not look up.

Hak Foo:
Tiger snatches mask before it sticks! [Tries to grab the mask. Black stops him]

Capt. Black:
Guess again kitty cat. [Black and Hak Foo start fighting]

Jade:
Captain Black's got game.

Uncle:
Captain Black's inherent goodness is keeping the dark forces within him at bay... for the moment. But we must remove the mask before it corrupts his Chi. And to accomplish that we must acquire more spell ingredient.

Tarakudo:
Oh, Captain Black. We've never been formally introduced. I am Tarakudo. King of all Shadowkhan. You may bow.

Capt. Black:
The only king I bow to is Elvis! And I don't see you wearing blue suede shoes.

Tarakudo:
And I don't see you wearing your mask at full throttle. And I can help you unleash its true potential.

Hak Foo:
Black has beaten us... AGAIN!

Tarakudo:
Calm down. By summoning his Shadowkhan, Black has sealed his promotion from Captain to Demon General.

Capt. Black:
The mask tells me. It knows who's naughty and nice. It tells me who to punish.

Jade:
[as Black is getting the other Oni masks] You're getting kind of greedy, aren't you Captain Black? You only have one face.

Capt. Black:
But three partners in darkness, itching for a makeover.

Jade:
The Captain Black I know would never do that!

Capt. Black:
The Captain Black you know is on permanent vacation.

Captain Black Dark:
So, you've gone and yanked my yin from my yang. Feels like a burdens been lifted.

Captain Black Dark:
Oh Captain Black, I don't think Section 13 is big enough for the both of us.

Captain Black Light:
Then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave.

Jade:
[after getting caught by a Shadowkhan] I may look small, but I'm a giant can of butt-whup just waiting to be opened!

Captain Black Dark:
[after knocking out Captain Black Light] I'm embarrassed that we're even related.

Uncle:
One more thing, we must find phone booth removal potion.

Jackie:
Have you come to Section 13 to yourself in?

Drago:
In your dreams, Chan!... I'm here to throw a little barbecue.

Jade:
[after Drago breaks into Section 13] Call me crazy, but I'm thinking it's time for security upgrade.

Drago:
Surrounded! Outnumbered! Maybe I shouldn't have gone solo. [conjurse images of the Dark Hand then yells] But I will not repeat your mistakes father! [Conjures image of Shendu] I will find the biggest, baddest henchmen in the world! And fulfill my destiny!

Jade:
Don't you know what today is?

Uncle:
Ha cha! Very important day! Day for Uncle's haircut.

Jade:
Oh come on! You know it's my birthday. Now for breakfast I want chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries and...

Jackie:
I'm sorry, Jade. Things are a little busy around Section 13 this morning. We'll have to celebrate your birthday later.

Drago:
You are all pathetic! I'm looking for henchmen! Bone-crushing skull-caving henchmen! [quietly to himself] I can't believe I'm going to say this out loud but - I shouldn't have fired the enforcers.

Strikemaster Ice:
You've seen the rest, now eyeball the *best*!

Drago:
It's near. Let's go. [starts to leave]

Strikemaster Ice:
Yo, hold up dog. Now we don't work for free. You want our services? You gots to show some green! [Drago changes them]

Drago:
You each have a small piece of my fire demon power: dragon speed, dragon strength, and dragon breath.

Strikemaster Ice:
That'll work.

Tohru:
Drago!

Jackie:
And... Strikemaster Ice?

Jade:
Hey. Pizza face got a Drago makeover.

Strikemaster Ice:
Yo dog. You didn't say *nothing* about putting the hurt on Chan! First day on the job, we already get a bonus!

Drago:
Was that a joke? Did I hire clowns? I give you powers beyond your wildest imagination. And you can't get past an archaeologist, a tube of guts, an old man, and a little girl!

Uncle:
Jackie, Drago must not obtain Earth Demon Chi. You must become living vessel.

Uncle:
Jackie, do not let Drago touch you. He will try to drain Demon Chi.

Drago:
Oh, I won't just touch you, Chan. I'll rip you apart!

Jade:
You dine with the T, you get a helping of the J.

Strikemaster Ice:
Yo shortstop. Why don't you let the grownups handle this? A'ight.

Jade:
You afraid I'll whoop your butts again?

Strikemaster Ice:
You got the crust little lady. Let's see if you got the sauce! [breaths fire]

Finn:
[taking the Dragon talisman] Enter the dragon.

Ratso:
Exit Jackie Chan. [fires a bazooka at Jackie]

Shendu:
Valmont, where is the dragon talisman?

Valmont:
My men are on it, Shendu.

Shendu:
Your men could not find their own shadows. And your incompetence continues to stupify me!

Capt. Black:
You didn't follow them? They could've led us to Valmont himself.

Jackie:
Ach... I was a little preoccupied. [Jackie shows him the soles of his shoes which were burned off by the lava]

Capt. Black:
Yes siree, it's a real family affair here in Section 13.

Capt. Black:
Valmont!

Valmont:
The Dark Hand waves bye bye, Captain Black! [Valmont blasts Captain Black with the Dragon Talisman]

Maynard:
I want you to teach me the ancient art of Butt Whup.

Jade:
So you can be a better bully? Dream on Maynard. Martial arts are... uh about finding the strength within... to discipline oneself.

Maynard:
That's me. I lack discipline. Really.

Jade:
Uh, Jackie. You're not a secret. You're an archaeologist, right?

Jackie:
I know that Jade. I'm just going to retrieve a talisman. [Jackie leaves]

Uncle:
His anger clouds his judgment.

Jade:
I noticed.

Valmont:
Jackie Chan. Finally, we meet. It was nice knowing you. [Prepares to blast Jackie]

Jackie:
Uncle. What are you doing here?

Uncle:
Making sure you do not lose your temper, and do something foolish.

Jade:
Good job, Uncle.

Uncle:
[Jade starts to leave but Uncle stops her] Jade.

Jade:
But Valmont's still dragon powered. How's Jackie going to take him down?

Uncle:
By not fighting.

Valmont:
Shendu, I beg your forgiveness.

Shendu:
You may earn it Valmont. Rumor tells of talisman at the North Pole. Dress warmly.

Tohru:
[speaking like Jade] I'll be stuck in Jade mode, forever? Eeww.

Jade:
[speaking like Uncle] You would rather have Uncle's chi? I cannot stop thinking about digestion!

Uncle:
Not so fast. I must first appraise the items. I do not want my store full of junk.

Jade:
Then how did it get so full of junk?

Jade:
This isn't a coffee table. It's a coffin table!... Cool! Why would a coffin have a lock?

Jade:
You can't leave me alone! Don't you ever watch scary movies? The beautiful girl is always the first to [They hear a loud crash]

Uncle:
Jackie, guard the door! In case it returns.

Jackie:
"It?"

Uncle:
Hidden inside of an antique Mr. Lam tried to trick us in to taking it.

Jackie:
What is "it?"

Uncle:
A Kiang Chi. A vampire.

Jade:
Told you.

Uncle:
Do not breathe. The Kiang Chi is blind. It can only find you if it smells your breath. [Tohru and Jade hold their breaths]

Jackie:
You are making this [the Kiang Chi approaches Jackie. Jackie holds his breath]

Tohru:
[Speaking like Jade] How we gonna save Uncle without Uncle?

Jade:
[Speaking like Uncle] We must do research.

Jackie:
You gotta be kidding me.

Jackie:
Uncle is turning into the vampire's minion. Use my chi for the transfusion. [Jade slaps Jackie] Ow!

Jade:
I do not know such spells! Jade has Uncle's *chi* not his *brains*!

Jade:
As long as the parchment is in place, Uncle cannot move. [Jack cautiously checks on Uncle]

Uncle:
You are doomed! [Jackie jumps back]

Jade:
One more thing, he can still talk.

Jackie:
So everybody's chi is back where it belongs?

Tohru:
Thank you for the loan, Jade. It was... cool.

Jade:
No problem Big T. But... I don't think Uncle got all his chi back. I have this monster craving for mung beans!

Jackie:
Three days aga, Paul Connel notified the museum that he made a major discovery.

Jade:
Yeah, well. I made a major discovery too. You can get frostbite on your butt.

Jade:
Save number two. I rule!

Jackie:
Yes. And from now on I drive.

Jackie:
Uh, are those elk skin boots?

Inuit Man:
[Looks down at his boots] Moose. [Jackie kicks his feet out from under him]

Uncle:
Hmmm. Ancient Inuit hieroglyphics.

Jackie:
What does it mean, Uncle?

Uncle:
[Uncle slaps Jackie] It means quiet! I must study.

Jackie:
Frozen prehistoric creatures do not just walk away. I suspect someone broke in and...

Jackie:
[Entering the dining area] I... do not believe it.

Tohru:
Me neither. Jade you found cereal.

Jade:
Sorry all gone. Guess a couple thousand years in the deep freeze will give a guy an appetite.

Jackie:
Come Uncle.

Uncle:
[Uncle groans] Uncle never gets to do what he wants.

Uncle:
Bah, shaman! You are a superstitious old fool.

Inuit Leader:
Takes one to know one.

Uncle:
Everything you say like glue, sticks back to you.

Inuit Leader:
That does not even make sense.

Uncle:
You fish?

Inuit Leader:
What do you think? I go to a drive-thru burger place?

Jade:
We can take Duane back to civilization!

Tohru:
But I thought he was your friend.

Jade:
He is. And that's why we gotta leave him... here.

Uncle:
[after knocking out Captin Black] Now, who wants a piece of Uncle?

Jackie:
Who... what are you?

Shendu:
I *am* the keeper of the Talismans. I *am* the Apocalypse of which legend speaks. And I *am*, for once and for all, your executioner.

Shendu:
Regretably Valmont, *you* did not provide me with the talismans, Jackie Chan did.

Valmont:
A technicality.

Shendu:
Read my lips, no treasure for you! [Shendu growls]

Valmont:
Tohru, make this deadbeat pony up!

Finn:
[Darkhand gives Tohru some room] You go bro!

Ratso:
We're right behind you!

Chow:
In spirit!

Tohru:
But Master...

Valmont:
Do it!

Uncle:
Did the demon have any specific markings?

Capt. Black:
Red eyes, great big claws, and razor sharp teeth isn't specific enough for you?

Uncle:
[Uncle growls] Thousands of demon sorcerers have existed throughout history. I need more information: a symbol, a name, *any*thing!

Tohru:
[Tohru enters] Chan!

Jackie:
Go away! We have no more talismans!

Tohru:
The demon's name, Shendu.

Capt. Black:
Why help us, Shendu?

Tohru:
I am told Section 13 serves donuts on Thursdays.

Jade:
Jackie! I *have* to come with you! I'm an essential part of the J Team. The cunning one.

Finn:
[after Valmont pulls out a tooth] Big V, what-what are you doing?

Valmont:
Raising cane! [the remote on his cane activates]

Uncle:
Do you want Jackie to defeat the evil demon? Yes? Then go away, let Uncle work!

Jackie:
[Jackie's wrestling with Shendu] The playing field is almost even Shendu!

Shendu:
You may have the Ox, but relative to me, all that makes you is a very strong mouse!

Shendu:
I will have my revenge. If it takes another 900 years!

Jade:
Tch. No Rat means you're just a statue. And no dog means you're not immortal. [Jade blasts Shedu with the Dragon talisman]

Uncle:
You destroyed the demon yin and yang! Now the world is out of balance!Nobody told you to destroy the demon!

Jackie:
Jade did it! [Jade grunts]

Uncle:
Now there is a void for a new *stronger* evil to fill!

Uncle:
That reminds me, a letter from Jade's parents arrived yesterday. They are very please with how much she has learned in America.

Jade:
[Jade enters] One more thing, they're so pleased they want me to stay here for another year.

Jackie:
Jade!

Jade:
Jackie! [Runs and hugs Jackie]

Uncle:
Can you believe dark wizard was released from jail for good behavior?

Jackie:
Uh, I do not think the justice system is prepared to comprehend crimes of magic Uncle.

Uncle:
[Gasp] The Dark Chi Master himself!

Jade:
Tch. The sly niece-miester herself!

Jade:
Come on Jackie, I've helped save the day 72 times. The world half a dozen times. And your butt more times than I care to count.

Jackie:
And you have made a mess of things more times than I care to count.

Jade:
But I always clean up after myself. Just admit it Jackie, you need me.

Jade:
Uh, where'd they go?

Uncle:
Somewhere in time. We must locate their whereabouts.

Jade:
How? History's a big place.

Jade:
Say, didn't Jackie get out of this scrape in one piece the first time around?

Uncle:
When one revisits the past, one risks changing its outcome.

Jackie:
This one memory I have been trying to forget. I outran the train before I can do it again! [Jackie tries to jump to the cliff and misses] I must be out of shape!

Jade:
Gee, couldn't you send Jackie to a less life threatening roller coaster like the Pukinator at Mooseworld?

Uncle:
Uncle has no control over portal direction. It is process of trial and error.

Jackie:
Bad day! Bad day! Bad day!

Uncle:
Mostly error.

Jade:
Things can't get any worse for Jackie.

Uncle:
Turning into statue is better?

Jade:
Heh heh. Depends on who you ask.

Jade:
So I'm quite the rascal. But it's not like I'm evil or anything.

Jackie:
[Jackie encounters Jade as Shadowkhan Queen] Jade?

Jade:
I couldn't help it. I was possessed!

Uncle:
Did Uncle ask you to tattoo demon face onto your leg? No? You do not see Uncle walking around being evil do you?

Jade:
[Jade notices Jackie is now face Uncle] Uh, Unc.

Uncle:
Uncle could not help it. Was victim of Chi Vampire.

Jade:
What's happening Uncle?

Uncle:
Garlic has accelerate portal magic, causing Jackie to bounce against the walls of time.

Uncle:
That will teach foolish Tohru to mess with Uncle when he is powered by Immortality Talisman. Oh, do not tell faithful apprentice Uncle said that.

Jackie:
Uncle you must trust me. It will be better for Jade, for *us* if she does not stay.

Jade:
[Watching Jackie] No Jackie. Hang up the phone! You need me.

Uncle:
Jackie, next time you make crank call, phone local!

Jade:
Living with you guys is gonna rock!

Jackie:
[Jackie sighs] You have no idea yet just how much.

Jade:
Tch. Is Uncle everyone's uncle?

Shin:
He's actually our cousin. [to Uncle] Aren't you?

Shin:
We are very sorry Jade. But it seems it is unsafe to stay for you to remain with cousin Jackie.

Jade's Mother:
He is clearly a troublemaker! [Jade's parents leave]

Jade:
Jackie's not a troublemaker... But he is in trouble.

Jade:
Hmm. History. Uncle said that the Book of Ages magically recorded history. When Shendu wrote in it, he must have rewrote the past, so he was never destroyed and the demons were never banished in the portals and now I'm in DEMON WORLD. Jackie, we gotta talk.

Jackie:
Jade, if what you say is true, why don't I remember any of it?

Jade:
I don't know. Maybe [Jade gasps and pulls out a torn piece of paper] "And Jade Chan became a wily accomplice versus evil." This is from the Book of Ages. And it's about me. It didn't get rewritten, so neither did I. That's why I remember. That's why I'm still wearing these clothes.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Keeping one's enemies close is not just wise, it is gratifying.

Jade:
[Quietly to herself] Shendu remembers the way thing were too.

Jade:
Shendu used the Book of Ages to rewrite reality.

Uncle:
That is crazy. [to Jackie] You do not believe her, do you?

Jackie:
[Jackie sighs] There is one thing I believe, demons ruling the world is a bad thing.

Jackie:
The Martial Arts are outlawed. I do not know how to fight!

Jade:
Serious?

Jackie:
But I do know how to run!

Jade:
A chi spell? Thought you weren't allowed to read the forbidden books.

Uncle:
I do not read, I - uh- I skimmed.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
My talismans!

Jackie:
I'm sorry. I'll give it back. Thank you!

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Centuries of history altered. You very memory erased. And *still* somehow you defy me. I shall find you, Chan! And I promise I shall erase more than your memory.

Uncle:
I see no one here I would choose as my apprentice.

Jade:
[Jade spots Tohru and gasps] Well look again.

Jackie:
He's... big.

Uncle:
But Po Kong... is bigger.

Jade:
It's a wrap. The J Team is reassembled. And Hsi Wu's singing career is over.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Chan!

Dui Gui:
So he *is* behind this.

Tso Lan:
And things we going so well.

Bai Tza:
We were even almost beginning to like you brother.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Technology? The child!

Tso Lan:
She somehow escaped the historical alteration.

Bai Tza:
And if she knows the history that was...

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Then Chan now knows of the book.

Jackie:
I do not belong with these heroes. The Ox made me strong, without it I am...

Jade:
Hello? Talismans didn't make Jackie Chan a hero. You didn't even like to use them. Courage, brains and heart are your secret weapons. And you've already got those. All you need is proper training. Jackie, I can teach you what you taught me. You game?

Viper:
[the Shadowkhan appear] Guys in pajamas. They don't look so tough.

Viper:
[to Bai Tza] You're not the only girl with tricks up her sleeve. [Viper blasts Bai Tza with the Dragon Talisman. Bai Tza reforms] But you are the only girl who can do that.

Uncle:
Stop fooling.

Jackie:
[Jackie grabs Uncle's arm and reveals the Dog Talsman that Uncle's holding] Fooling? I'm not immortal.

Uncle:
Hmph. Excuses.

Uncle:
You want to defeat the demons. Yes? Then write that Uncle banishes the demons already!

Paco, Jade:
Duh!

Jackie:
Bad day... for demons.

Jade's Mom:
We know you have been doing very well there, Jade.

Shin:
No doubt due to cousin Jackie's excellent training.

Jackie:
In all honesty, it is Jade who sometimes trains me.

Capt. Black:
Just got word about the attempted hijacking, Jackie.

Jackie:
Captain Black? But how?

Capt. Black:
You know Section 13 monitors all police transmissions.

Capt. Black:
The court ordered them to serve out the rest of their sentence doing community service.

Jackie:
If they are back to their old ways, the community does not need that kind of service.

Capt. Black:
Enforcers can't be reincarcerated without proof of criminal activity. You catch them red handed, I'll see to it they're put away for a long, long time.

Jackie:
But the Dragon Scouts are all boys.

Jade:
*Were*. Welcome to the new millennium, where girls are hot and boys are not! I am dragon hear me roar.

Finn:
Last time I checked, you're ain't the Hall Monitor. Take a hike, Chan!

Finn:
Look Chan, the whole reason we want the kids to be Scouts, is to learn good values.

Ratso:
So they don't become bums like us.

Jackie:
Jade, we must not prejudge. Sometimes the apple falls far from the tree.

Jade:
And hits the ground and turns rotten.

Dragon Scout Leader:
[to the Enforcers] Volunteering to become Dragon Daddies, outstanding. No wonder your nephews are such fine young men. On the other hand, fall in behind me, Mr. Chan. We need to discuss Jade's behavior.

Jackie:
Huh?

Chow:
If you need parenting tips, Chan. I'm here for you.

Uncle:
[Jade is using the Rooster Talisman] Ai-ya! Magic is not to be trifled with!

Jackie:
Hand over the talisman, Ja [Uncle slaps Jackie] Ow!

Uncle:
As long as you are up there, clean cobwebs from ceiling.

Ratso:
Got it off the real thief fair and square.

Ratso:
They think we're you know.

Jackie:
Successful import-exporters? I will spare them the truth.

Finn:
Thanks. Who knows, maybe someday we can redeem ourselves. Become the upstanding law-abiding citizens they think we are. - Nah!

Chow:
No way!

Ratso:
I don't think so.

Finn:
Scary thought.

Ratso:
Be laughing if I could breathe.

Jade:
[after escaping from a collapsing building] It's okay, Ruby. That kind of stuff happens all the time when you hang out with Uncle Jackie.

Jackie:
[Answering his cellphone] Uncle, is that you?

Uncle:
No. It is a magazine salesman calling you at 5 O'Clock in morning.

Jade:
Hey! Maybe you hadn't heard. Possesion is nine tenths of the law!

Ratso:
Yeah? And here's the other *two* tenths!

Jackie:
You need to work on your math.

Finn:
[after Valmont drinks the entire pitcher of cream] Uh, want a little coffee with your cream, Big V?

Jade:
You touch one hair on Jackie's head, you're going to answer to me! [Jade leaves. Cardiff laughs]

Cardiff Zendo:
Spunky.

Cardiff Zendo:
But it's mine! I-I-I-I paid for it!

Jackie:
No! It belongs to the museum!

Valmont:
[to Cardiff Zendo] And you belong to me, rat!

Jade:
Think again Catman-don't!

Ratso:
[as Jade and Valmont are fighting] Whoa! Cat fight.

Finn:
Forget them. Get Chan!

Jackie:
[as the Dark hand throws an urn at him] No! [Catches the urn and puts gently puts it down] Babylonian urn.

Ratso:
What's a Babylonian earn?

Finn:
Probably more than we do.

Jackie:
Jade, I really want to spend time with you, but remember you cam into my life the same day as Section 13 and the Dark Hand. Things have been hectic. Now, you can't come with me tonight. But I promise, I'll take you to the parade tomorrow.

Jade:
Hmm. I said I wouldn't come with, I didn't say I wouldn't follow.

Jade:
[Referring to Viper] Wow! When I grow up I want to be just like her.

Jackie:
Huh? A criminal?

Jade:
A female Jackie Chan!

Jackie:
I am not a crook! I am an archaeologist! [Knocks over a vase, setting off an alarm]

Viper, Jade:
Way to go!

Viper:
You're all right, Jade. You've got a sharp criminal mind.

Jade:
[Excitedly] I do?

Jackie:
NO! Jade has a lousy criminal mind!

Jade:
Jackie, you should ask Viper out on a date. She'd be such a cool aunt!

Jade:
Viper pulled a viper... on me?

Jackie:
Old proverb "There is no honor among thieves." Let's find her.

Jade:
Let's!

Valmont:
The Talisman please.

Viper:
It's not for sale.

Valmont:
Oh, I didn't plan on buying it. [Viper gasps as the Shadowkhan appear]

Jackie:
[Putting the jewel on the ground] It's okay I have it. It's yours.

Police Offlicer:
[Picking up the jewel] Real good. Now tell us what you did with the Statue of Liberty!

Viper:
Jackie. Hey. Sorry about the double cross. But can you blame me? It's my sign. Snake, viper get it? [Viper gives him the Talisman] Here.

Ratso:
[Seeing the mask in Jackie's lap] Ooo. I know what I'm wearing for Halloween.

Jackie:
[Holding up a regular mask] Heh. Oni

Chow:
Nice try. [Jackie gets thrown out the costume store] It's in here somewhere.

Jackie:
[Jackie pulls out the Oni mask] Trick for you. Treat for me.

Capt. Black:
[to Jade] And it seems you're the only one who read my Dress for the Day memo.

El Toro Fuerte:
[El Toro enters] Buenos Noches, mis amigos.

Capt. Black:
You and El Toro Fuerte.

El Toro Fuerte:
This is no costume, Captain Black. This is a way of life.

Paco:
[Picking up the Oni mask] Ooo. A face even scarier than Jade's.

Tarakudo:
Pop quiz: Why is Jackie Chan not here also searching for the mask?

Chow:
Uh...

Tarakudo:
Answer: Because Mr. Chan already has the mask.

Ratso:
Ooo. I knew that.

Tarakudo:
End of quiz. Now for the pop!

Jade:
[Seeing Paco] Copycat!

Jackie:
Jade, I do not think Paco is wearing make-up.

Jade:
Oh. [Realizing what Jackie's saying] Oh. Uh-oh.

Uncle:
[Into the phone] Why must Uncle devise removal potion now? [Looking at Paco] Very nice Japanese Oni demon costume. Happy Halloween. Thank you good bye. [Uncle closes the door]

Paco:
Nice? Nice? I am scary!

Uncle:
[Into phone] Who put new Oni mask on face?... How could you not see him when he was right under your nose?

Tohru:
Uh, sensei.

Uncle:
Ai-ya!

Tarakudo:
Spiffy costume, little lady. Rehearsing your inevitable return to the dark side?

Jade:
Oo. Maybe so, Tarakudo... [Changes her voice and speaks to the Shadowkhan] Stop! I, Oni Boo Boo, call upon the darkness within me to command you ninjas to stand down! [the Shadowkhan ignore her] Worth a try.

Jade:
Smash him El Toro!

Jackie:
Jade! It is still Paco!

Jade:
Sorry. Heh heh. I was in the moment.

Paco:
But El Toro, you know El Lucador must *never* remove his own mask!

El Toro Fuerte:
That rule must be broken by *both* of us!

Jade:
Uncle. Tohru! Hello? The game never ends if you don't make a move!

Uncle:
How can Tohru contemplate a move with you yelling Jade?

Tohru:
I thought it was *your* move Sensei. [Jade groans]

Jackie:
You've been reading? For pleasure?

Jade:
Not like there's anything else to do around here.

Tohru:
Crime does not pay. If Captain Black had not pulled strings when I left the Dark Hand, I would be in prison right now.

Uncle:
Instead he lives under the supervision of his parole officer. For Tohru is free to lose as many games of Mah Jong as he likes.

Jackie:
I really thought Tohru had left his past behind.

Capt. Black:
So did I. But the sad truth is, some people never change.

Uncle:
I told you to keep it down!

Jackie:
Uncle! The gloves! They're alive!

Uncle:
You are dreaming, Jackie. Go back to - [the gloves drop on Jackie's head and attack Jackie] Ai Ya!

Jade:
Stop!

Jackie:
I don't think the gloves are listening.

Jade:
Hmm. Maybe they'll listen to this. [Jade opens the chest and grabs a jewel] Oh gloves, I'm stealing your jewels.

Jade:
Hey! Uncle's frowning again. That means he's happy!

Jade:
Jackie!

Valmont:
Help!

Jade, Valmont:
[in demonic voice] Shadowkhan attack!

Jade:
Tch. Crashes are a cinch to fix. Just hit the reset button and...

Tohru:
Uh no. I mean he has crased it, on to the floor.

Uncle:
[Cut to Uncle continuing to hit the computer with a broom] Ai ya! It is evil. Evil. Evil! Evil!

Valmont:
Yes, my shadowkhan. Destroy them and... seize the rest of my face.

Jade:
Maybe it's time to summon some back up. [Jade puts on the Oni mask, and summons the shadowkhan] Kick their butts! No fair! My ninjas don't have heads. About face! Charge!

Jade:
Besides, now that it's attached, Valmont can't take it.

Jackie:
[Jackie groans] But who is going to save us from *you*? The mask is evil, Jade! It is a matter of time before it turns you evil too.

Jade:
Tch. I can handle it. 1: It's only half the evil of a regular mask. And 2: [Jade starts talking in a demonic voice] The next time you call me crazy, I shall devour your brain. [voice returns to normal] Heh heh heh. I see your point.

Fin:
Okay Big V, I can tell you're a little conflicted here, so let me just say "Money good."

Tohru:
Jade, we're in the middle of a big auction. Then all the icons disappeared.

Jade:
No problem, T. Just click on the blinking Supermoose in the corner and [Jade starts talking in a demonic voice] surrender your souls to the forces of darkness!

Tohru:
Uh, I can figure it out on my own.

Uncle:
So many antiques for sale. Jade why did you not tell Uncle your waffle iron was magic?

Jade:
[to Valmont] You're "Filtyrich1?" But... you're not rich, just filthy.

Valmont:
I will do what I please with the mask that I purchased fair and square with stolen money.

Jade:
[Everyone is fighting in Valmont's apartment] Hello? The mask isn't even here yet!

Jade:
[Jade picks up half the Oni mask] Got it Jackie! Uh, part of it.

Jackie:
Where is the other half?

Valmont:
[Picking up the other half] Right where it belongs.

Jade:
Jackie, I can't take first prize at the talent show if I don't have a talent.

Jackie:
Jad, you have a fine talent... for getting into trouble

Jade:
Har har.

Jackie:
But Kai Ching said it was one-of-a-kind. [Uncle slaps Jackie twice]

Uncle:
And that is two-of-a-kind, to teach you that brining my competitors goods into my shop invites bad chi... And one more thing, do you see any Monkey Kings in here? No? That is because the Monkey King is known for his love of mischief. [Uncle looks at the Monkey King puppet] And he is creepy looking.

Jackie:
Hmm. An inscription. "To free me of glitches, and put you in stitches. This merry ape begs, please pull my leg."

Jade:
Go for it.

Tohru:
[Tohru pops out of a jack-in-the-box dressed as a clown] Please do not laugh.

Uncle:
We are dealing with a very sick mind.

Jade:
Well it's a start.

Jackie:
What? What is it?

Uncle:
Uh, nothing. Do not look in mirror.

Jackie:
[Jackie looks in a mirror and realizes his a puppet] Bwaaa? Huh?

Uncle:
I told you not to look in mirror! He never listens.

Jade:
You wouldn't! That's not funny!

The Monkey King:
Haven't you noticed? I have a *weird* sense of humor.

Jade:
Jackie's back! In the flesh.

Jackie:
And I hope to stay this way. Knock on wood. [Knocks on the Monkey King's wooden head]

Uncle:
That is all for $200?

Kai Ching:
Do you want me to throw in a tea cozy?

Uncle:
Hmm. Do you want me to throw in a piece of Uncle?

[Tohru restrains Uncle]

Uncle:
No purchase necessary!

[Tohru carries Uncle out]

Jackie:
[to a sleeping security guard] The museum directors must feel very secure with you on the job.

Jackie:
[Three men take yoga stances] Oh. You are yoga masters. Nonviolent. [the men attack Jackie] But I thought yoga was to promote peace from within.

Jackie:
Uh, I don't like needles.

Dr. Weber:
[Picking up a drill] Oh, well I could drill *without* numbing you.

Jackie:
Okay. Numb me please.

Jackie:
Goodbye Uncle. We'll be back on Thursday.

Uncle:
Ai-Ya- Cannot understand a word you are saying.

Jade:
His mouth's all numb from the dentist. He said if school sends over any homework. It's a *mistake*, just toss it!

Jackie:
[as he's being attacked] Jade return to the hotel room! [Jackie runs off]

Jade:
Didn't say "please." [Chases after Jackie]

Portia:
[to Jackie who's tied up in a dentist chair] A little novacaine to ease the pain.

Dr. Weber:
Don't bother Portia. Mr. Chan hates needles.

Jade:
[Bursting into the room] Nobody moves. Nobody gets hurt!

Jackie:
Jade? I told you to go back to the hotel room!

Jade:
Lost my key. Okay now let the Chan Man go!

Jackie:
[His cellphone's ringing] My cellphone.

Mohajah:
It is your Uncle, reminding you to bring home curry powder.

Jackie:
That is amazing.

Mohajah:
There is one more thing that he desires. Though I am not quite sure I understand. [Mohaja slaps Jackie]

Jade:
Well, that's a first. A demon chi with its own series.

Drago:
Henchmen waste of time. Excess baggage. Killing my mojo. Solo's the way to go.

Jackie:
Keep your eyes out for the gourd and try to blend in.

Uncle:
Uncle doesn't blend.

Jade:
[Referring to their competition] Relax they're not home.

Jackie:
Jade! Go back to the treehouse.

Jade:
Jackie three words: Flat screen television.

Jade:
[as Jackie is trying to avoid a snake] Don't move around so much. You're just making it angry.

Uncle:
No! Uncle not meant to fly! Do you see wings on Uncle?

Gameshow Host:
Nobody told *me* about the tsunami.

Ricky Rothman:
You're the host pretty boy. You're not in the loop on everything.

Jackie:
Nice trick, Drago. But if you ask me, your act is still all wet.

Drago:
Nobody likes a critic, Chan!

Jackie:
Jade do not be upset. We captured the demon chi.

Jade:
Uh, can I watch cartoons on it? I don't think so!

Tohru:
Sensei, why did you not remove Drago's firepower too?

Uncle:
Fire attached like strong glue to Drago's spirit. It will take much bigger magic to remove it.

Adult Jade:
Thanks for the reboot. Guess I just needed a little kick in the butt to start kicking butt again.

Jade:
No prob! Hey, maybe I'll come back and visit some time.

Adult Jade, Uncle, Jackie, Tohru:
*No*!

Jackie:
Jade! You weren't supposed to... Oh, why do I bother?

Uncle:
Ancient chi master must have cast protection spell.

Jade:
What was your first clue?

Tohru:
Oh, I will never be a chi wizard.

Uncle:
A chi wizard must learn from defeats as well as victories, Tohru.

Jimmy:
Is Uncle always that cranky?

Tohru:
No. He is in a particularly good mood today.

Adult Jade:
Jade?

Jade:
What are you doing here?

Adult Jade:
This is *my* time. Duh! What's your story?

Uncle:
Ai ya! Young Jade and older Jade. Uncle has deja vu all over again.

Jackie:
Jade, explain.

Jade, Adult Jade:
Iso stole our half of the Arcanum of Chi in the past using a time portal spell. So I followed him through when he escaped back to the future.

Jackie:
No. Please. One Jade at a time.

Jade:
What happened to you? You used to rock!

Adult Jade:
Do you think I like pushing papers all day? I don't but it's my job and Captain Black is my boss. You have to grow up sometime Jade.

Jade:
Speak for yourself!

Jackie:
I am very proud of you both.

Tohru:
The time portal spell is ready.

Jade:
So it's "save the day and don't let the door hit you on the way out." Harsh!

Jade:
[Showing Jimmy her adult self] That's me. Do I rock or what?

Jimmy:
What about me?

Jade:
You're more like disco.

Uncle:
Ai ya! Half the orb is missing!

Jade:
[Entering through a time portal] Two halves are better than one. I always say.

Jackie:
Jade, explain.

Uncle:
Told you a thousand times, mgic must defeat magic. Where is dragon teeth?

Future Jade:
Dragon's fire breath is magic, duh!

Uncle:
Who is smarty-pants good chi know-it-all who looks like Jade?

[realizes it's Adult Jade]

Uncle:
Ay ya!

Adult Jade:
Look, Jade has to get out of here. Now!

Jade:
What'd I... Hey! How do you know my name?

Jackie:
Who are you? And what do you want with Jade?

Adult Jade:
Not me. Him! [Drago appears in the distance]

Uncle:
[after Adult Jade defeats Jackie] Nephew has slow reflexes. But if you want piece of Uncle...

Jade:
Uncle Jackie told me to...

Adult Jade:
Never trust strangers. Never chew with your mouth open. And never spit into the wind. Duh!

Jade:
Whoa. Time out. Are you -?

Adult Jade:
[Takes off her hat and glasses] You? Took you long enough

Drago:
[Seeing Adult Jade and Jade together] Hey, you two related? Because I definitely see a resemblance.

Adult Jade:
Resemble *this* junior! [Blasts Drago]

Drago:
[after destroying the Dragon Talisman] Fire magic. It does a Talisman good.

Adult Jade:
If Drago bumps you off in the present, I could pop right out of existence and the future will be history.

Jade:
Whoa! This time travel stuff is freaky.

Jackie:
Look Jade has nothing to do with this.

Jade, Adult Jade:
Talk later!

Drago:
Ah, Mr. Jackie Chan. My *dad* sends his best.

Jackie:
Your father? Who is your father? [Drago breaths fire at Jackie] Never mind. I have a pretty good idea! Thank you.

Jackie:
Oh, and I thought one Jade gave me a headache.

Adult Jade:
Luckily I convinced you and Uncle to become Section 13's Official Magic Consultants.

Jackie:
You mean, I never leave Section 13?

Adult Jade:
You were supposed to stay put.

Jade:
Tch. You know me better than that.

Jade:
[In front of Drago] Say, are you *sure* he's Shendu's kid?

Adult Jade:
Who? The Tooth Fairy here?

Jade:
Tch. I mean Shendu had edge. But this Drago dude's more like...

Adult Jade:
A gecko with zits.

Uncle:
One more thing, future Uncle *allows* you to use his spells?

Adult Jade:
Oh uh, yeah. Total access. You really mellow out as you age.

Jade:
Tch. As if.

Jackie:
And I just wanted to let you know. That I am proud of who you turn out to be.

Adult Jade:
I owe who I turn out to be to one person, Uncle Jackie.

Jackie:
Huh?

Adult Jade:
You. Duh!

Uncle:
Perhaps it is time for me to train an apprentice of my own. Somebody of sound judgement whom I can trust with my Chi knowledge.

Jade:
Me. Me! ME! I'll put some focus in your hocus.

Uncle:
Tohru!

Shendu:
Well if our recollection of the directions are accurate, the portal which imprisons Po Kong, the Mountain Demon, will be found in what is now Tokyo, Japan.

Jade:
You can tag along, but no more surprises. [the clone duplicates]

Jade Clones:
Uh, surprise.

Jade:
Jackie, I'm open!

Jackie:
Jade? What are you doing - Why do I bother to ask?

Tohru:
Allow me to assist you sensei.

Uncle:
Why? You are a lousy apprentice.

Tohru:
But I did not cast the duplicator spell!

Uncle:
If you did not, then who did? [Slight pause then Uncle gasps as he realizes who cast the spell]

Jade:
[Referring to her clones] Can't I come, Jackie? They're getting on my nerves!

Jackie:
[Jackie chuckles slightly] But you have so much in common. You will have to stay here. *ALL* of you!

Po Kong:
[Reaching for the Jade Clones] Finger food.

Jade Clones:
You mean knuckle sandwich!

Jackie:
Okay, whoever cast the spell in the first place is grounded with no TV for a year!

Jade Clones:
[the clones all gasp. And point to the original] SHE DID IT!

Jade:
...Tch. Tattletales.

Jackie:
Uncle, have you ever considered travelling lightly?

Uncle:
Uncle is travelling lightly. Only packed one cauldron.

Uncle:
[Uncle gasps] Tohru, it is your former boss.

Tohru:
Uh, half of him.

Little Valmont:
Now see here. Just because I look like a child, doesn't mean you can treat me like one!

Jackie:
I am treating you like a criminal. Tohru will treat you like a child.

Tohru:
[Cracking his knuckles] Now, are you going to be a good little boy?

Dalong Wong:
Gan! Ren! Chui! [the Dark Warriors appear]

Finn:
I'm Finn. He's Ratso. That's Chow. Would it kill you to learn our names?

Little Valmont:
Unhand me you buffons!

Chow:
Whoa!

Finn:
It's Big V.

Ratso:
And he's mini.

Little Valmont:
[to Dalong Wong] See what you've reduced me to. Helping Chan!

Finn:
Easy up sweaty. No one touches Little V with *us* around.

Chow:
At least Valmont bothered to learn our names.

Ratso:
And he's so cute now, boss.

Dalong Wong:
I am not your boss... I am you *master*!

Little Valmont:
Chop, chop, old man. I'm not getting any younger.

Uncle:
Manners! Or Uncle will put you back in diapers.

Valmont:
Ta ta. Must make up for my wasted youth. Lead a life of crime perhaps.

Capt. Black:
Valmont, you're under arrest!

Valmont:
Wha? NO! Reverse the spell. Please! I demand to be tried as a minor!

Jackie:
I cannot believe I am stuck in the jungle with such a spoiled brat.

Jade:
You invited me!

Jackie:
I was talking about *him*. [Cut to John Smith]

Jackie:
I'm sorry Jade, but you must learn that growing up sometimes means having to do things that are not fun.

Jade:
Like guiding obnoxious jerks through the jungle just cause they give lots of money to the museum.

Jackie:
Uh, yes.

Jackie:
[after Jackie counter attacks] Sorry, I did not want to do that.

Jade:
Uh, better come up with more stuff you don't want to do... quick!

Jackie:
[as he's fighting the Muntab guards] This is a very bad way to work out disagreements. How about we sit down and - [Jackie gets grabbed from behind]

Muntab Leader:
One way to be sure. A test. Behold Cave of Truth. Only pure of spirit may pass through unharmed.

John Smith:
Well if you're asking for volunteers. Him!

[Points to Jackie]

Muntab Leader:
[as dust comes out of the cave] His heart was not pure. You will all pay for your lies.

[Jade gasps as Jackie emerges from the cave]

Jackie:
You really should re-enforce those walls. Cave is very flimsy.

Jade:
So you weren't kidding. 230?

Abila:
I will be 231 next week.

Jade:
Uh, happy birthday.

Muntab Leader:
Without chalice, we will grow old.

Jade:
And Smith will be immortal? 2000 plus years of obnoxiousness. Yuck!

John Smith:
You don't think I'd leave you out of this, do you old friend? After all your years of faithful service...

Larsen:
Well I had hoped...

John Smith:
Larsen, I want you by my side, to serve me, forever.

Larsen:
[Sarcastically] Oh goody.

Jade:
[after Jackie tosses the map into the fire] Uh, Jackie, that was Smith's map.

Jackie:
Yes. No one will ever find the Muntabs again.

Jade:
Hello? How are we supposed to find our way back through the jungle?

Jackie:
Uh...

Uncle:
The city of Fengdu. Uncle's hometown. Uncle cannot believe this is the last time he will see it.

Uncle:
The original birthplace of the Chan family... gone... forever. That is why Uncle needed to come, and that is why the two of you needed to join me.

Uncle:
So what do you think of Uncle's old stomping grounds?

Jade:
More like it was stomped into the ground.

Jade:
Sounds like one of those urban legend things they told kids to make them behave.

Uncle:
In Uncle's day, children behave regardless! Unlike now!

Jade:
Like I've never been in danger before. Stop being so overprotective. You're starting to act like you mother!

Tohru:
I am *not* like my mother!

Jade:
It's like somebody hit Uncle's mute button.

Tohru's Mom in Tohru's body:
Ahh. Wishes do come true.

Jackie:
[Jackie gasps] The mirror spirits! They're making our worst fears about ourselves come true!

Jackie:
[Uncle is gesturing furiously at Jackie] Something tells me I am fortunate I did not hear that.

Jackie:
[Uncle is gesturing at Tohru. Tohru is yelling at Uncle] Stop it! We have no time for bickering Tohru!... Uh, Tohru's mom... Uh, forget it!

Jackie:
[after climbing to the top of the statue] Jade! How did you get up here?

Jade:
Duh! Took the tram. I'm stubborn, not stupid.

Jackie:
[after catching one spirit in a CD] The disc must be full. We need more reflective objects!

Dalong Wong:
You are in my soup!

Uncle:
Our locator spells have intersected.

Dalong Wong:
I will seize control of the chi waves, novice. My power is far greater...

Uncle:
Eeee-Ya! [Casts a chi spell. Dalong Wong sees Uncle's face in his locator spell] One more thing... One more thing... One more thing.

Jade:
And if the monkey has the shape shifter power, how do we know it's even a monkey anymore?

Uncle:
Why do you both question Uncle? To find the monkey in any shape or form, you must feel the power within the peel. [Points to the banana Jackie's holding]

Jackie:
But I do not feel an pow- [Jackie is suddenly pulled in one direction] Wha - Brakes. Brakes!

Jade:
[Haiku has changed into a gorilla and is stretch Jackie] Don't take it personally. Haiku doesn't know you're trying to help.

Jackie:
No offense. [Haiku stretches him some more] taken.

Uncle:
Perhaps we should find a way to communicate with the beast.

Jade:
How? Haiku doesn't speak English and we don't speak monkey.

Monkey King:
[What parachuting down to them] No problem! I just happen to be bilingual.

Jackie:
Um, and you went to all the trouble to see us. Why?

Monkey King:
Let's see, maybe, oh, a little something I like to call *revenge*!

Uncle:
So, you want a piece of Uncle?

Jade:
Never I'd be rooting for Dalong Wong over anybody!

Jackie:
Come on! [They all run. Dalong Wong casts a spell trapping them]

Jade:
On second thought, go Monkey King.

Jackie:
You know, eh, this isn't a very humorous revenge for the King of Comedy.

Monkey King:
Sweet simpering simian!... You have a point.

[Leaves then returns and puts leis on Uncle and Jackie]

Monkey King:
We're going to laugh it up at a luau.

Jade:
What's so yuck about a visit from your mom?

Tohru:
[Tohru groans] I am the black sheep. All I've ever wanted was my mom proud of me.

Jade:
Well she will be. You're handsome and... big. You've got a... you're big.

Tohru:
You do not understand, my mother is very hard to please.

Moma Tohru:
This is where you live? [Groans] You gave up a good job with nice Mr. Valmont for this?

Moma Tohru:
Only antique I see here is the billy goat there!

Uncle:
"Billy goat!"

Tohru:
Mommy...

Moma Tohru:
Hush up!

Uncle:
Dragon Lady should watch her forked tongue unless she wants a piece of Uncle!

Tohru:
Does it have fish?

Sushi Chef:
This is a sushi restaurant. *Everything* has fish!

Tohru:
I *hate* fish! Miso soup. Small.

Jackie:
[Jackie's dressed as a security guard] Jade, how did you get in here?

Jade:
Security's lousy.

Moma Tohru:
Well?

Uncle:
No problem. Trade octopus for young ones... Wait! One problem!

Moma Tohru:
WHAT?

Uncle:
I have no octopus.

Jade:
[Jade enters with the octopus] You do now. Pretty good for child, huh?

Uncle:
[to a gangmember] Hand is quicker than the eye. [Uncle kicks him] But should have been watching foot!

Tohru:
I am very sorry for the unpleasantness, Mommy.

Moma Tohru:
My brave little boy, you make your mother proud. I am glad you are not hurt. And also glad you are with people who care about you: Jackie, Jade and the Billy Goat!

Jade:
[as Uncle and Moma Tohru are fighting] Looks like the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Uh want to go back to the Japanese Expo?

Tohru:
I have heard that Kare Noke and her yodelling Kabukis put on a good show. [Jade and Tohru leave]

Gang Leader:
I trust you'll take care of this Jackie Chan personally Tohru. And I mean permanently.

Jade:
This is the *last* Oni mask. Where are Tarakudo and his goons? Where's the ulimate good vs evil battle royale?

Jackie:
I, for one, am not complaining.

Jackie:
The masks are destroyed.

Jade:
That's a good thing, right?

Jackie:
How is this happening?

Uncle:
Uncle not sure. But it must be *your* fault!

Ikazuki:
Many thanks for our freedom, Chan. Now it is time to surrender yours!

Tohru:
Sensei, none of this makes any sense. I have reviewed every inch of the legend.

Jade:
"Every inch?" [Jade flips over a piece of the scroll]

Tohru:
Huh? Uh, it is a warning. Never conjoin the 9 masks in one location.

Jade:
El Toro. Viper.

Jackie:
What are you doing here?

El Toro Fuerte:
When it looked as if the world was coming to an end...

Viper:
We figured you four might know a thing or two about it.

Jade:
I call Dragon! [Jackie tosses her two talismans] Dog and Rat? Oh, you're gonna hog all the cool ones.

Jackie:
Jade, you will remain here.

Jade:
What? No way!

Jackie:
Jade please. I could not live with myself if something happened to you.

Uncle:
[as they're leaving the store] Today - Dark forces will pay!

Jackie:
Jade, you were supposed to be...

Jade:
I decided I couldn't live with *myself* if something happened to *you*.

Supermoose:
Can you you feel the love? [Attacks a Shadowkhan] Well can you, punk?

Uncle:
Tarakudo concealed the mask in the one place no mortal would dare enter: the Shadow Realm.

Uncle:
[to Tohru] There is no better time to face your fear of Oni than when fate of world is at stake.

Uncle:
One more thing, Uncle never leaves shop without magic socks. [Holds up a sock with a loose thread]

Jackie:
He cannot be serious.

Jade:
Be thankful he's not talking underwear.

Uncle:
Tohru had better find mask before we run out of sock. And before evil within tattoo consumes his very being.

Jackie:
[Tarkudo's regained his body] No mental powers, Tarakudo? It is about time you fought fair! [Jackie attacks Tarkudo]

Tohru:
There are no more masks?

Uncle:
Does Tohru have the willies? No? Then there are no more masks.

Jackie:
Thanks to the winning team!

Jade:
Hi, Jackie.

Jackie:
Jade? You were supposed to be taking a tour of Paris.

Jade:
Tch. Obviously, you've never been on a tour bus with Uncle.

Uncle:
[Cut to Uncle on the bus] You drive too fast. Uncle cannot see the sites! Slow down!

Jade:
Cool. A wretched hive of scum and villainy. Come on!

Jackie:
Jade! If I let you inside, you must do *everything* I say. First touch nothing. Second see nothing. Third talk to no one then [Jackie notices Jade is already entering the bar]

Jade:
Yeah, but now we also know he only steals "the finest far east art."

Viper:
Hey, the kid's a good listener.

Jackie:
No. How come you never listen to the things I say? For example "Stay with Uncle."

Jade:
Aw man.

Uncle:
[On the tour bus] You are driving too slow! I want to see all of Paris before I'm old!

Jackie:
Jade should not be running around rooftops with thieves.

Viper:
I am not a thief. Better she learns how to catch bad guys from a pro.

Jackie:
Jade does not need to know how to catch bad guys!

Viper:
But *you* do!

Jade:
[as Jackie is fighting Origami] Jackie!

Viper:
Jade, wait! Jumping into a fight before you're needed usually makes things worse.

Jade:
But - [they watch for while]

Viper:
Okay *now* he needs help. You stay here.

Jade:
Aw man.

Viper:
Breaking into the Louvre, I've been planning this in my head for years.

Jackie:
Remember we're here to stop Origami. Don't steal anything.

Viper:
Don't you trust me?

Jackie:
No. I do not.

Uncle:
[On the tour bus] It is too dark to see. Is not Paris the City of Lights. Make it brighter!

Jackie:
Viper, look after Jade. Call the police. [Jackie leaves]

Viper:
Wait, did he just ask me to look after you?

Jade:
Duh! Jackie likes you.

Viper:
How about that?

Viper:
"Just a normal thief" huh? Then I guess you didn't really didn't need my help.

Jackie:
This is right. No help.

Viper:
I understand. [Kisses Jackie on the cheek as she leaves]

Jackie:
[Jackie lands on the street using a flag to slow his fall] The elevator was too slow.

Uncle:
Uncle does not cruise. Uncle does inventory!

Jackie:
Uncle, when was the last time you took a *real* vacation?

Uncle:
[Using his abacus] Let me see... 3... 4... carry the 1. Never! So why start now?

Jade:
Because it would be wicked fun! Come on! Please! [Looks at Uncle]

Uncle:
Heh. Ah... Ai Ya! Big brown eyes get Uncle every time! Fine. I'll go.

Jackie:
Where you going, Uncle?

Uncle:
To lifeboat. Row back to shore!

Moma Tohru:
Good! I have better things to do than hang around with junk seller! I visit with my boy. Relax, play a little Mahjong...

Uncle:
You play Mahjong?

Moma Tohru:
No. I *win* at Mahjong. Five time all Kyoto finalist.

Uncle:
Hong Kong Community Center Champion, 1955. Beat you with one arm tied behind back!

Moma Tohru:
Big talker! How about you put your tiles where you mouth is?

Tohru:
[Jade shows Tohru the Horse Talisman] But you are forbidden to remove talismans from Section 13.

Jade:
Okay, if that's how you feel. [Jade walks away]

Tohru:
Uh...

Jade:
Thought so.

Jade:
"How many times have I told you the talismans are dangerous?" Tch! Tohru losing his lunch is dangerous!

Moma Tohru:
Come on, a walk will do you good.

Tohru:
Where are we going?

Jackie:
Breakfast. Ocean air always give me a big appetite: eggs, bacon, biscuits [Notices Tohru is gone] Tohru? [They see Tohru leaning over the side of the ship]

Jackie:
Laser cage. I suspect these are the same men as from the helicopter. They are after the dragon!

Uncle:
[Pointing to Tohru's mom] Good! They can have her!

Moma Tohru:
Funny man won't be so funny when I whoop you a shuffleboard!

Jade:
[Trying to make a ship to shore call] Hello? Mayday! Mayday! Can someone connect me to Section 13? It's a top secret organization. Uh, they're probably not listed. On second thought, just get me the Coast Guard!

Jackie:
[Looking at Uncle and Moma Tohru in the distance] It's nice to see those two actually enjoying each other's company.

Moma Tohru:
[Cut in close to see them arm wrestling] Uh. Junk monger weak as scrawny chicken!

Uncle:
Toothless old bat got nothing!

Butch:
[after Jackie escapes from the laser cage] One of rabbits jumped the cage.

[Picking up some weapons]

Butch:
Maori fighting sticks!

Jackie:
Huh...

[Picking up a pair of drumsticks]

Jackie:
Drum... stick!

[Shen Du has taken possession of Jade's body at an amusement park and is posing for a photo]

Melvin Moose:
Duh, smile for the camera.

Shen Du (in Jade's body):
Soon, I will devour your soul.

Melvin Moose:
[gasp]

Uncle:
One more thing. Stay awake. You break many antiques when you sleepwalk.

Jackie:
[scoffs] I don't sleepwalk.

Uncle:
So, you break my antiques for fun?

Ratso:
What's a Babylonian urn?

Finn:
Probably more than we do.

Jackie:
Hello?

Jade:
Jackie, help!

Jackie:
Jade? What's wrong?

Jade:
*Never* leave with Uncle again! We eat nothing but mungbeans and rice. And he reeks of garlic! And Uncle's no fun. I asked him when we could go to the new Melvin Moose Amusement Park, and he's all [Jade imitates Uncle] "Roller Coasters are not good for digestion!"

Finn:
[Ratso attack misses Jackie and destroys the Helicopter controls] NO!

Ratso:
[to the Pilot] Did I do that?

Jackie:
Please Uncle I have been traveling for 18 hours. I jumped from a helicopter and ran off a falling train.

Uncle:
That is why you must relax with a good book.

Finn:
That's it! I ain't taking no lip from a statue!

Shendu:
I am no statue. You stand in the presence of a demon sorcerer! I once held dominion over a vast empire, but my subjects betrayed me. They cast a Chi spell which imprisoned me in this pitiful icon where I have remained for 900 years. The 12 talismans from which I drew my power were scattered to the winds.

Ratso:
Whoa.

Finn:
You got jacked!

Jade:
Whoa! What are you?

Shendu:
Everything you will grow to fear!

Shendu in Jade's body:
Time to awaken, dear Uncle.

Jade:
Sorry Charlie, but my body ain't big enough for both of us! [Tries to re-enter her own body] Get out of there! Give me back my skin and bones!

Jackie:
Dream? Oh that's crazy, Jade. You're crazy.

Jade:
If I'm the crazy one, how come you're the one not wearing pants?

Capt. Black:
[answering his cellphone] Black.

Jackie:
Captain Black, trust me. You're in terrible danger. Jade is evil!

Capt. Black:
She's a handful, Jackie. But evil?

Jade:
Hey Jackie. How was your trip? Have you lost weight? Can I get a tattoo?

Jackie:
Ha! My trip was - a TATTOO?

Valmont:
I will put up with a lot Shendu. But I draw the line at wearing a dress!

Shendu the Fire Demon:
This is a sorcerer's robe.

Finn:
Shendu-dette.

Ratso:
Pretty dress.

Chow:
Very becoming.

Ratso:
[Shendu tells them to Uncle's shop] Oh, but every time we go there we get our butts kicked.

Hak Foo:
You have never been there... with *me*.

Jackie:
Why are you wearing snow boats?

Jade:
Heard it might snow.

Jackie:
It's 72 degrees out. [Jackie starts to remove Jade's snow boots]

Jade:
AVALANCHE! [Jackie turns around. Jade puts her foot in a bag] Heh. False alarm.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Need I remind you. The Shadowkhan do only what *I* command. Come minions! [pause] Minions?

Valmont:
It would seem you lost your touch Shendu.

Jade:
[to the Shadowkhan] This has to be our little secret. If Jackie won't let me have a tattoo, there's no way he'd let me have my own ninjas.

Jade:
See Jackie? Total control. They do what I tell them to do. And I only tell them to do good. So can I keep 'em?

Jackie:
No Jade.

Jade:
Aw. Why not?

Jackie:
Because you're turning blue.

Jade:
Blue's my favorite color.

Capt. Black:
Whoa. Jade. You - what happened to you?

Jade:
I have become queen. [the Shadowkhan appear] And every queen needs a palace.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Hear this my Queen, your first and most valuble lesson: Always destroy your enemies.

Uncle:
Very important rule of magic: Always make extra, just in case.

Finn:
That'll teach you to mess with Finn 2.0.

[Uncle zaps him with his magic blowfish]

Uncle:
And that will teach you to mess with Uncle, Original Recipe.

Jade:
Yeah, yeah. I know. [Imitating Jackie] "You are supposed to be on the tour."

Jackie:
No, Jade. Those are not rabbit holes!

Jade:
[Reading the signs] "Danger. Geisers" [Grunts as she tries to get out] Jackie, help!

Uncle:
So, the dark warrior wants a piece of Unc - [Uncle falls into a geiser] Oh!

Chow:
[laughing] A geezer in a geiser.

Jackie:
[Quietly] Look, we both know that jackalopes are rabbits who wear fake antlers for the tourists.

Mayor:
No siree. I assure you that Douglas jackalopes are the real deal. [Jackie removes the fake antlers] Now that was an ugly thing to do.

Jade:
But Jackie, I'm an essential member of Clan Chan!

Jackie:
Which is why I am giving you an essential mission. Go to the last library down the block and do your homework.

Jade:
Ooo. Highly classified.

Uncle:
[after Jackie gets dragged around town by the rabbit] Jackie. You are a lousy rabbit catcher!

Jackie:
[after taking the rabbit from Dalong Wong] I will *not* bring it back later! Thank you!

Chip:
How many schools are trying to nab it?

Uncle:
The 12th and final locator spell has located... nothing.

Jade:
Duh. It couldn't find a dragon, because they're extinct. The only one left on Earth was Shendu. And he's doing after-life in the interdimensional slammer.

Tohru:
With no dragon on Earth to inhabit, the power remains lost. Safe from the forces of darkness.

Uncle:
As long as Dalong Wong roams the Earth, nothing remains safe.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Ah, then you may have my rightful power, Dalong Wong. *If* you find a spell that will allow me to live again.

Jade:
Hey Jackie, when Uncle gets the powers out these guys, we still get to keep 'em, right?

Jackie:
Jade, the animal have owners, or natural habitats. Don't you think we should return them?

Jade:
What? NO! They're my pets!

Jackie:
Who has a pet ox?

Jade:
Can we at least keep Scruffy? Please! He *belongs* in Section 13. He's a natural crime fighter, and he's already house broken. And...

Jackie:
And he keeps the neighbors awake with his barking.

Jackie:
Jade this is too dangerous. We could be facing a dragon.

Jade:
Not just any dragon!

Jackie:
Shendu!

Ratso:
Hey, backyard barbecue.

Chow:
What are we grilling?

Hak Foo:
Jackie Chan!

Finn:
Let's tenderize him!

Hak Foo:
Hurricane kick! Earthquake fist! Asteroid belt! Meteor pummels mountain! [Hak Foo leaps toward Tohru. Tohru dodges and Hak Foo lands in some lava]

Tohru:
Hot bath?

Shendu the Fire Demon:
It is great to be back!

Finn:
Yo, Shendude.

Chow:
Long time no breathe.

Ratso:
Yeah. - Happy uh rebirthday.

Capt. Black:
We're on full tactical alert.

Uncle:
Heh.

Capt. Black:
I know. Magic must defeat magic.

Uncle:
Which is why you must buy Uncle all the time he requires. [Uncle starts to leave] Tohru. Jade. Research!

Jackie:
[as he's be pursued by Shendu] The power of levitation, right.

Jade:
Tch. Just be glad he doesn't have superspeed.

Jackie:
Jade! Are you crazy? If anything has ever been too dangerous. This is it!

Jade:
Hey, where my pooch goes, I go!

Capt. Black:
You found a way to take down Shendu?

Uncle:
Shendu not important. I found way to defeat the person who knows how to defeat Shendu, even though that person does not know he knows.

Jade:
Hey, what do you get when you cross an ox with a rabbit?

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Huh?

Jade:
A RAM!

Hak Foo:
We are weak.

Ratso:
We're human.

Chow:
We're free!

Finn:
[Noticing Section 13] Nah uh. We're busted.

Jade:
[Referring to Scruffy] Can we keep him Jackie?

Jackie:
[to Captain Black] Uh, can we keep him?

Capt. Black:
Who else will fetch my slippers?

Jade:
Yes!

Capt. Black:
But he *will* have to move out of the vault. Need to make some room for some new arrivals.

Jackie:
Gee, perhaps you should start writing you essay.

Jade:
Tch. You mean write how boring vacation's been. We haven't seen a single demon, or ninja or Dark Hand Thug.

Jackie:
Hmm. My kind of summer.

Jackie:
You want me to attend the tournament as a contestant.

Captain Black:
And find the [Black looks around then whispers] jade.

Jade:
[Jade pops her head out from a ventilator] Captain Black, no offense but this is way out of Jackie's league. [Jade jumps down] This is a job for *the J Team*! El Toro Fuerte, wrestler extraordinaire. Viper, mistress of Hapkido, pilates, and Krav Maga. Tohru the big strong, er, sumo.

Jackie:
Uh, yes. Captain Black, I'm sorry that my niece has such an active imagination.

Captain Black:
I like it! Good work kid. [Black pats Jade on the head]

Jade:
But it was *my* idea! The mission was going to be my perfect summer getaway. If *I don't go, Paco doesn't go!... Paco *is* going, right?

El Toro Fuerte:
Too dangerous. Besides he is too busy writing "What I did for summer vacation" essay.

Jade:
[to Tohru] Ready to go for the gold Big Bopper?

Jackie:
Oh! Jade? How did -?

Jade:
Captain Black said that the boats were used to smuggle Jade onto the island. Duh!

Jackie:
Not the niece. The stone!

Jade:
[During El Toro's match] No! The bounce-off-the-ropes maneuver!

Jackie:
What ropes?

Jackie:
I have to get her out of there!

Viper:
You'll jeopardize the mission!

Jackie:
And Jade *won't*?

Viper:
50-50.

Jackie:
[as he's fighting] Watch the hands!

El Toro Fuerte:
Amigo. Tag Team. [El Toro tags Jackie's hand. Jackie yells in pain] Sorry.

Jade:
You can run, Chang. But you can't hid from the J Team!

Captain Black:
Team, I hope you'll consider joining us for future missions.

Jackie:
Well...

El Toro Fuerte, Viper:
We would be honored!

Jade:
So, this makes me official right?

Captain Black:
Well, let's just say the "J" in J Team stands for more than Jackie.

Capt. Black:
Give up Drago! You're not going anywhere. And neither is your dragon daddy!

Drago:
Now who said anything about busting out that old gecko? I'm going solo!

Jackie:
[to himself] Drago has Black pinned down. I need to create a diversion.

Jade:
[Loudly to Drago] Yo hothead!

Jackie:
Huh?

Jade:
Remember me? There's no "get out jail" free cards as long a J Girl's still got game!

Drago:
Mess with a dragon, you're gonna get burned!

Drago:
I am Drago. The son of Shendu. Serve me well now and be at my side when I rule the world!

Chow:
Uh, sorry kid. But your old man kind of burned us.

Ratso:
Yeah. And I got the scars to prove it.

Drago:
You're turning me down?

Finn:
Look at that world domination stuff just don't pay the rent.

Jackie:
Jade, stay here. [Jackie gets in the Captain Black's car and starts to buckle up]

Jade:
Seriously. [Jackie turns, spots Jade already buckled up in the back seat. Jackie gives a startled yell] Don't you get tired of saying that?

Jade:
Now way! The Enforcers are now Drago's Fire Flunkies.

Chow:
Jackie Chan! Long time no rumble.

Jackie:
But Uncle, we already defeated the other seven demons. [Uncle slaps Jackie twice]

Uncle:
Clean wax out of ears. Uncle said "Demon Chi." Not demons themselves.

Uncle:
Why did you let demon take immortal fan?

Jackie:
Oh, bad day. Bad day. Bad day.

Drago:
The Wind Demon Chi has already been drained from it!

Chow:
And that's a bad thing, right? [Drago breaths fire on them]

Finn:
We're gonna let you have some alone time now.

Jade:
So I'm a little gassy today. Blame it on the cafeteria burritos.

Jade:
What's wrong with me?

Drago:
You're short, green and a *real* pain the in butt! So stick out your chi and say "Ahhh."

Finn:
Drago wants the Wind Demon Chi.

Jade:
Isn't he enough of a blowhard already. [Jade belches and uses the Wind Demon chi]

Finn:
That is rank!

Jackie Chan:
Captain Black, I thought all Dark Hand matters had been reassigned to Section 12?

Capt. Black:
That may be so, but I'm not gonna sit pretty while the Dark Hand strolls into my backyard to had a hall pass to a hobgoblin.

Jade:
Captain Black is in the house.

Ratso:
I've heard of bustin' out of jail. But breakin' *in*?

Jackie:
What do you think Uncle? [Uncle slaps Jackie] Ow!

Uncle:
Do you see any demons? No. That is because this is a bank vault. Not a demon portal.

Capt. Black:
[Over the phone to his bosses] I have reason to believe that he orchestrated their appointment to Hollowlands in order to locate a demon portal... No sir, I've never received psychological counseling. Why?

Capt. Black:
[to Jackie after his face is altered] Jackie Chan meet Chance Jackson. Master criminal.

Doctor:
Oh, Captain Black, your supervisors have requested that we speak with you. Ja.

Finn:
Whoa! We struck demon.

Xiao Fung:
Not any demon. Xiao Fung. Demon of the Wind.

Ratso:
Uh, like breaking wind?

Xiao Fung:
[Xiao Fung uses his powers] Like breaking bones.

Xiao Fung:
Hmm. If I do not free this Valmont. I will be burdended with freeing my brothers and sisters... Very well

Uncle:
[Jackie calls Uncle] What? It does not sound like you! What do you mean you are in prison? You are a *bad* influence on Jade! Good thing it is not really you! [Hangs up the phone]

Uncle:
Rabbit talisman is very good. But demon breath is better!

Jackie:
Jade, the first rule of research is patience.

Uncle:
Can you not read faster, Tohru? Cobwebs are forming on Uncle!

Uncle:
Until a cursed one is worn, these are merely masks.

Tohru:
Then why do I have a strange clammy feeling down my spine?

Uncle:
You have the willies?

Tarakudo:
[Appearing] Usually a pretty good sign that the King of all Oni is in the house!

Tarakudo:
You must feel power, Ratso. Call upon the darkness within.

Tarakudo:
Oh, okay I got it.

Jackie:
No! No feeling! No calling!

Uncle:
Must be wrong ingridient. Each mask must require a unique removal spell.

Tohru:
What do we need to remove this mask?

Uncle:
You are Japanese expert. This is *your* department!

Uncle:
I am telling you cards not important!

Tarakudo:
So... hoping to find the Hana-Fuda card? Well I can't let you do that.

Uncle:
Okay, maybe cards important.

Tohru:
Back!

Uncle:
Onion? Do not be foolish Tohru. Use garlic!

Tarakudo:
Whoa. Easy with that veggie big fella. [Tohru throws the onion at Tarakudo. Tarakudo screams in pain] My eyes!

Tohru:
It does work.

Tohru:
[Uncle is about to leave] Please sensei. I require your guidance.

Uncle:
I offer you my confidence.

Jade:
I miss him already.

Jackie:
Jade! I told you to go with Uncle, not stay with - Uncle.

Jade:
No wonder I got confused. Too many uncles.

Jackie:
[Running away with the cards] Sorry, I will not return them. Thank you.

Tohru:
Sensei, what will keep Tarakudo from penetrating the vault?

Tarakudo:
[Cut to Tarakudo getting repelled away] My eyes! My eyes!

Jade:
[imitating Uncle] Oni magic cannot defeat onion magic.

Uncle:
A little trick I learned from my apprentice.

Jackie:
Why are you doing this? You seem like such a nice lady.

Vanessa Barone:
Been called a lot of things: relic hunter, mercenary, thief. But Vanessa Barone "nice lady," that *is* a new one! The necklace!

Jackie:
[Emerging from a manhole] Guidebook was wrong. No subways in Venice.

Jackie:
I believe this necklace has magical powers.

Jade:
Cool! Can I check it out?

Jackie:
No Jade. This necklace could be very dangerous.

Jade:
Tch. Everything is very dangerous. Travelling to Venice, digging for artifacts, wearing jewelry.

Uncle:
Uncle will look into it. Meanwhile, you fix niece.

Jackie:
What do you mean? [Uncle slaps Jackie in the head]

Uncle:
Open eyes. Jade turn into couch potato. Watches TV all day, all night. Young girl needs a hobby.

Jackie:
[Jackie looks at Jade who's watching TV] I see what you mean.

Jackie:
[Jade's wearing her Butterscotch Uniform for the first time] Oh, you look so cute. [Tohru whispers in Jackie's ear] Oh, I mean cool.

Jade:
I look like an elf.

Uncle:
[Someone is trying to open the door to the shop] Warning you, Uncle is thin, but he is scrappy. [the door opens, Uncle screams and slams the door shut] Evil demons! Must be the necklace! It has released a curse on us!

Uncle:
[Calling Jackie's cellphone] Jackie answer phone.

Tohru:
[Tohru picks up the cellphone] Hello?

Uncle:
Jackie, you are in danger! Bad lady come your way.

Tohru:
Jackie is not here.

Uncle:
Huh? Who this? [Uncle goes into the other room and finds Tohru with Jackie's cellphone] What are you doing with Jackie's cellphone?

Tohru:
Uh, speaking with you, Sensei.

Uncle:
[after Jade teleports next to Uncle] Wha! Do not do that again! Wait! Do that again! Must go warn Jackie, bad lady headed his way!

Jade:
No prob. Return to Summit Hill. [Jade teleports away. Tohru sighs]

Tohru:
I did not have time to ask her for more cookies.

Jackie:
[as he's fighting Vanessa] Butterscotch Scout, too violent! Do not watch!

Butterscotch Scout:
Tch. As if!

Vanessa Barone:
[Vanessa and Jackie are in the Saraha dessert] Brilliant, you must have been a real A+ student, Chan.

Jackie:
A- in school. A+ in dojo!

Jackie:
[after an explosion] Jade?

Jade:
Maybe a working volcano exhibit *is* too advanced for me.

Chow:
I say we vote. Anyone who doesn't want to go orbital, raise your hand. [Enforcers raise their hands. Shendu glares at them]

Finn:
Uh, we didn't count Valmont's vote.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Never mind Valmont. You board that spacecraft or you will perish!

Capt. Black:
[Answering his cell phone] Black.

Jackie:
Tell Uncle I have a strong hunch that the portal belongs to the Moon Demon! [Another booster rocket separates] Talk later!

Finn:
Autopilot. You can relax Big V. Major Matt Monkey's flying with training wheels.

Valmont:
[Sarcastically] I feel so much better now.

Capt. Black:
I have a second space shuttle prepped to take you to Jackie.

Uncle:
Ai-ya! Do I look like Flash Gordon? I am *too* old to play spaceman!

Tohru:
But if you do not go Sensei, who will cast the Chi Spell? [Black and Uncle look at Tohru]

Tso Lan:
Skip the pleasantries Shendu. I am only interested in seizing control of the Moon's gravitiy, so that I may pull the ball from its orbit.

Ratso:
Whoa! He wants to kabosh the whole planet?

Finn:
You made us let him out!

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Just be glad you are up here.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
You have joined us in time to see the nemesis of all demon sorcerers destroyed.

Tso Lan:
[Tso Lan looks at a monkey] That is Jackie Chan?

Shendu the Fire Demon:
No. That is. [Indicating the air lock]

Jackie:
Where on Earth do I find a Moon Demon on the moon?

Tso Lan:
Behind you!

Jackie:
Uh, hello.

Tso Lan:
You dare interrupt me in my moment of triumph?

Jackie:
It's what I do.

Tso Lan:
An incantation. The lotus pod. In order for it to hex me, you must remove your helmet. Which you cannot do.

Jackie:
Then let me air this out. [Holds his breath and removes his air hose]

[Uncle has accidently placed the spirits of Jackie and Jade in the wrong bodies]

Uncle:
I told you it was complicated!

Jackie Chan:
[In Jade's body, pointing to Jade's fringe] Jade, How do you keep this out of your eyes?

Uncle:
The enchanted moth is drawn to enchanted wool. It's light leads us through the fog to the power of the sheep.

Jackie:
But we are heading towards the lake. I do not think the Loch Ness Monster is one of the animals of the Chinese Zodiac.

Jackie:
Jade?

Jade:
Hey, Jackie. Uncle.

Jackie:
You are supposed to be at the Bed and Breakfast. Where there is no Dalong Wong, no dark chi warriors...

Jade:
No cable.

Dalong Wong:
I have no further use for those who allow themselves to be waylaid by unconscious livestock.

Ratso:
So... we're free to go.

Jackie:
If I were an astral sheep where would I go?

Jade:
Looking for some astral turf.

Jackie:
What do we do now, Uncle? Lead it back with an astral sheepdog?

Jade:
Come on, Uncle!

Uncle:
[Uncle wheezes] You two run. Uncle will power walk.

Uncle:
It worked?

Jade:
[Jade's voice comes out of Jackie's body] Uncle, you rock! Now let's find Dalong Wong and kick some shriveled [Jade screams] Why are there two of me?

Jackie:
[Jackie's voice comes out Jade's body] Why is your voice coming out of my body? [Both scream]

Uncle:
I told you spell complicated.

Uncle:
[to Jackie in Jade's body] Jade is better at being you than *you* Jackie.

Jackie:
[In Jade's body] When in Jade, do like Jade!

Jackie:
Look, Jade. There really is a talisman on the tortoise. And if you saw it on TV, we can bet the Dark Hand did too.

Jade:
Tch. Like bad guys watch. [there's an explosion and the Dark Hand arrives]

Uncle:
One more thing, did Jackie find the rabbit talisman?

Jade:
[Growling] I am not Jade. I am Paigon the Powerful ruler of the Rabbit Realm. [Uncle gasps] I must fulfill my destiny or the universe itself will be UN-MADE! Release me at once! [the cab stops, Jade gets out. Then in her normal voice] Man that's rough on the voice.

Jackie:
Jade, we don't know what power this talisman possesses. If the Dark Hand gets it, people could be in danger.

Jade:
Oh, so you're okay letting something that looks just like Uncle get eaten.

Ratso:
[Jackie drops down in front of Ratso] Uncle!

Jackie:
[Jackie looks around] Where?

Jade:
Whoa. How'd you get from there to here so fast?

Jackie:
[Jackie shows her the rabbit talisman] And now we'll save the tortoise. See slow and steady wins the race.

Jade:
But you have super rabbit speed. I'm getting mixed messages here.

Jackie:
Oh - eh - uh. Don't be smart!

Jackie:
[Giving Jade martial arts lessons] Breathe deeply... The breath flows to the finger tips down to the toes.

Jade:
And the toes go up the bad guy's nose! HY-YA!... What? He was asking for it.

Jackie:
I have heard that my great-great-grandfather came out west and lived in a cowboy town. I'm curious to see what one looks like. [Uncle and Jade groan] Driver's privilege.

Uncle:
[after Jade screams] Ghost?

Jade:
Kind of. The ghost of Jackie. [Jade points to a book with a picture of Jackie as a cowboy]

Jackie Chan:
[Picking up the book] The Hong Kong Kid.

Friend:
Railroad workers are not welcome in town.

Hong Kong Kid:
Oh don't be silly. We are in America now. We can go anywhere we please.

Old West Ratso:
We can't have no lawman sticking his nose in our business, Mayor.

Mayor Valmont:
And you shan't. I took care of the last sheriff, didn't I?

Old West Finn:
Yeah, well it's the next one we gotta worry about. Can't risk nobody putting the kibosh on our big plans.

Mayor Valmont:
Hmmm. I see your point. So why not pick a patsy for the job? Somebody who'll offer no resistence: a bumbler, a fool. Someone like [Valmont looks outside and sees the Hong Kong Kid]

Jade:
This is so cool! She's my long lost great-great something or other. I betcha she looked exactly like me.

Jackie:
Actually it says here that the Sheriff's niece was very tall and 15 years old.

Jade:
Must be a typo.

Hong Kong Kid:
Perhaps a night in jail will make you think twice before breaking the law again. [Closes the cell door, then he jail bars fall down] Uh oh.

Jackie:
[to Uncle] Bah! That is the fate of my great-great-grandfather that you are using to clean your glasses!

Shendu:
I grown impatient, Valmont. I trust your men were able to pull off a simple robbery.

Mayor Valmont:
Rest assured, Shendu. My boys will be rendezvousing with us momentarily. [the men arrive] You see?

Old West Ratso:
Uh, ran into a little trouble.

Old West Finn:
That sheriff you hired.

Shendu:
I don't want the horse! I wanted the Horse Talisman!

Old West Ratso:
Uh, count me out. That guy ain't human.

Shendu:
And that is why you will use magic to defeat him. [Magically charges a hat and rope]

Old West Finn:
So how do we work 'em?

Old West Finn:
You don't. The magic works by itself.

Sheriff's Niece:
Hi. Remember me?

Peddler:
Ah. girl from Hong Kong. Look different, thought you were 15 and taller.

Sheriff's Niece:
It was a typo!

Hong Kong Kid:
[Valmont pulls out a shotgun] Uh we had an agreement. No firearms.

Mayor Valmont:
Guess I missed this meeting. Ever been locked in a 4 foot stall with a bucking bronco.

Hong Kong Kid:
Once.

Peddler:
Shanghai surprise. Good for digestion. Bad for everything else.

Jackie:
Stop! Do not take that which does not belong to you, uh, mortal!

Hak Foo:
Shiva speaks? [Jackie gasps] With a familiar voice. [Hak Foo destroys the statue's body. Leaving only Shiva's head on Jackie]

Jackie:
Shiva runs too!

Jade:
Who needs a sandwich when you can have cookies, huh, Uncle?

Uncle:
He who partakes in dessert before lunch disrupts good chi with bad cholestrol.

Hak Foo:
Geography later. The bands now!

Jackie:
[Jackie sees Tohru's shoe moving closer] Shoe!

Hak Foo:
No one shoo's me!

Jade:
Uncle, I used a disappearing spell on Hak Foo.

Uncle:
You are not supposed to use magic. Jackie, your niece needs a talking to!

Jade:
Jackie can't hear you because I disappeared him too.

Uncle:
WHAT?

Uncle:
And which limbo-like dimension dis you choose as the destination?

Jade:
Uh, none.

Uncle:
Ai-Ya! You must choose a destination when casting a disappearing spell. Jackie could be anywhere!

Tohru:
I lost this kite when I was a young boy.

Uncle:
And I have been looking for this sock.

Jade:
Hello? We're still short one Jackie!

Monster:
[Sniffing] Mmm Lunch.

Tohru:
Cookie?

Monster:
[Standing in front of Jade] What's a cookie? [the monster roars. Jade screams]

Uncle:
Go away! [Uncle send the monster back] I must find another spell.

Jade:
You think?

Jade:
Great! That means he's somewhere in [Jade gasps] here. [Jade jumps on a chair] Aah. Watch you step! Check your shoes!

Jackie:
[Inside Tohru's ear] But please if we do not leave here fast, Tohru will be in grave danger.

Hak Foo:
So I heard. I shall defeat my two greatest enemies today!

Jackie:
[while fighting in Tohru's ear] Tohru, you must stop Uncle. I am inside your head!

Tohru:
Sensei, Jackie says he is inside my head.

Uncle:
[Uncle gasps] There is no room to grow inside there.

Jade:
Tohru's head is going to go Scanner?

Jackie:
Hi Jade.

Jade:
Jackie! Don't sneak up on me like that.

Jackie:
Oh? I was sneaking up on you? You're supposed to be back at the hotel

Jade:
Sure limit my exposure to other cultures. Stifle my educational progress.

Chow:
Ratso?

Fin:
Ratso?

Ratso:
[Ratso surfaces] Hey did you see all the fishies? [pause. The fish start attacking them]

Chow, Fin, Ratso:
Piranah!

Wesley Rank:
I *am* an archaeologist.

Dino Stefanson:
Oh right. Destroying 4000 year old drawings. That's what archealogists do.

Wesley Rank:
Pipe down you!

Jackie:
Jade stop following me!

Jade:
I got here first. So technically you followed me.

Jade:
Jackie! They're *all* snakes!

Jackie:
Bad snake! Bad snake! Bad snake!

Jade:
Jackie, are you okay?

Jackie:
I will be, after a week in traction.

Fin:
No sign of flying monkeys.

Ratso:
Or rats with wings.

Chow:
[a giant snake appears] I'll take the bats.

Dino Stefanson:
Welcome to a special edition of just the artifacts. Wesley Rank may not know how to treat a little girl, but he sure knows how to scream like one. I'm Dino Stefanson, and I'll be your new guide.

Jackie:
After what we've been through, getting the talisman from the museum should be a snap.

Jade:
We're off to the jungle.

Jackie:
Jade?

Jade:
New York. The concrete jungle. Duh.

Vanessa Baronne:
Remember us Chan? You snatched the Nepilla Opal, the Sword of Badang, and now the Silve Iguana of Yorumba from our greedy little hands!

Jackie:
Yes. Nice to see you all again. How have you been? Bye bye. [Runs away]

Jade:
You can do the same thing, Larry. Be like Supermoose, free the hero inside.

Larry:
How am I going to free my inner hero? Maybe I should read some Supermoose back issues.

Strikemaster Ice:
I am *so* going to burn your crust. You know what I'm saying?

Jade:
Larry, listen. You have these weirdo powers because demon chi has entered your body!

Larry:
Demons? Ha! There's no such thing. [watches the Ice Crew fight Jackie and Tohru] Uh, firebreathing Lizardmen, maybe, but not demons!

Larry:
[in costume] This is my city: San Francisco. The city I've sworn to protect. I am... uh, I... uh, SPECTAULARRY!

Uncle:
[Entering a comic book convention] We must hurry, split up and look for teenager in a costume.

Jackie:
[looking around] That is everyone.

Uncle:
Do not argue with Uncle.

Jade:
You have all these powers because demon chi is taking control.

Larry:
You're wrong Jade! I *know* what's happening. I'm uh, I'm... TURNING INTO SUPERMOOSE!

Drago:
What you're turning into is a MAJOR PAIN IN MY TAIL!

Drago:
[to Larry] A hero ain't nothing but a sandwich... mama's boy!

Jade:
He's taking away your powers Larry. It's for your own good.

Larry:
I thought I could trust you. But you have betrayed me!... Once my friends, now my enemies!

Jackie:
It is a sunken ship. And there are letter on the hull.

Jade:
A-N-I-C. Whoa! The castanets went down with the Titanic.

Capt. Black:
It's the Oceanic. Sank in the Arctic waters in 1932. According to the passenger's manifest there was a troop of Flamenco Dancers. No doubt used castanets for their act.

Capt. Black:
Fortunately, Section 13 has a new submersible vehicle. Specificially designed for... [Starts sniffing] What's that odor?

Jackie:
[Sniffing] Uncle.

Tohru:
I pleaded with Sensei to stay in bed. But he would not listen.

Uncle:
Uncle is needed. Demon chi is very powerful.

Capt. Black:
Oh! So is that garlic!

Drago:
And where do you three snowbunnies think you're off to?

Strikemaster Ice:
Gonna bust a move on some fresh powder dawg.

Drago:
Wrong answer... dawg! [Breaths fire]

Drago:
The castanets are underwater. [Drago shudders] Not exactly my cup of chi.

Strikemaster Ice:
Why you say that D? Don't tell me your scared of a little surf?

Drago:
Scared? No. I just dislike being underwater because I can't do this! [Breaths fire]

Strikemaster Ice:
[after the Ice Crew builds a sub] Yo. That is one sweet ride. Come on D. Give my boys some props. [Drago growls] Yo, go it! Keeping it low key.

Jade:
I know. I know. Too dangerous. But you need me Uncle Jackie. [Jackie glares at Jade] Ok, fine. I'll leave.

Jackie:
Very funny. We are 20,000 leagues under the sea and... [Jack sniffs the air] Why do you smell like garlic?

Jade:
Not me. [Sniffs the air] It's coming from [Jade opens a locker]

Uncle:
Hi Jackie. [Jade and Jackie gasp]

Jackie:
Uncle!

Jade:
Great minds think alike.

Jade:
[Taking control of the sub to fight a giant crab] Let's see how you do against a video game pro! Hang on tight crew. We're about to exerperience a little turbulence.

Uncle:
So use Chi-o-matic.

Jackie:
Underwater?

Uncle:
[Holds up the Chi-o-matic in a bag] Bag seals in freshness.

Jackie:
[referring to the sub] Hmm. It must have been damaged by the giant crab. We will have to jettison some weight.

Tohru:
I'm sorry. I am not a very good swimmer.

Jackie:
Luckily I avoided betting the gends. [laughs] I mean . ooh... ground is wobbly like pudding. Ah. I like tapioca.

Jade:
You brought a hair dryer on a deep sea mission?

Tohru:
Ocean air gives me the frizzies.

Jade:
Come on! We gotta find Jackie!

Uncle:
Uncle will stay here. Finish styling Chi-o-matic.

Jade:
[to one of the Ice Crew] Avalanche coming at you! [Tohru jumps off a cliff and lands on the Ice Crew]

Drago:
Crunchy metal inside. Gooey chi filling inside.

Uncle:
You want a piece of Uncle?

Drago:
Gonna be several pieces of Uncle when I'm through.

Uncle:
Quiet. Chi-o-matic senses presence of dual demon chi. Drago must be near.

Jade:
So let's throw him a little suprise party. Chan style!

Jackie:
Jade, I told you to stay by the car!

Jade:
[Leaning on a stack of junked cars] Hello. You didn't say which car.

MC Cobra:
Yo girlfriend, you disrespecting my hizzhouse!

Jade:
My bad. I meant to dis *you*!

Strikemaster Ice:
You're way out of your league, gramps.

Uncle:
Smarty pants teenager want a piece of gramps?

Jackie:
Video games will distract you from your studies.

Jade:
That's not true. Programming those mondo cool sayings, that's creative writing. Keeping score, that's math. Honestly, Robomercs is more educational that homework.

Jackie:
We will see.

Jade:
Translation forget about it.

Jackie:
But why is Strikemaster Ice stealing those particular items?

Capt. Black:
No se compadre. But I'll bet where there's Ice, there's a fire demon.

Jackie:
[Jade jumps on Jackie shoulder's as he's chasing the Ice Crew] Jade, what are you doing?

Jade:
Is this a trick question?

Jade:
I really gotta work on that "look before you leap" thing.

Strikemaster Ice:
[to MC Cobra as their fighting with Robomercs] Rule number one: there are *no* rules! [Strikemaster Ice breaths fire]

Drago:
Once I absorb the storm's lightning, I'll be able to wipe out entire cities. No one will dare oppose me! [Alarm goes off. Drago spots the Chans in the monitor] EXCEPT FOR THOSE CHANS! [to the Ice Crew] I'll make the adjustments on the roof. You three can deal with partycrashers!

Jade:
[Drago surfaces in a pool] Aw. The Ice Man's all wet. We better dry you off before you catch something nasty. [They put him over a jet engine]

Tohru:
[referring to a Giant Robomerc] Jade, I do not believe this will fit in the overhead compartment.

Capt. Black:
I don't care if you're wearing a dress Valmont. You are *not* going into the little girl's room!

Jackie:
Captain Black? Aren't you out of your jurisdiction?

Capt. Black:
Let's just say we love the Red Sox.

Uncle:
This box is now protected by a chi spell. Bad magic cannot touch it. Until we devise a way to use tail to our advantage, we must be *very* cautious. This Chi powder will keep any demon from entering, unless they are invited.

Uncle:
This friend of Jade's is *too* polite.

Jackie:
Uncle, Jade finally has a friend her own age. This could keep her away from portals, and demons.

Jade:
We got a *dog*?

Jackie:
Interesting camouflage Uncle.

Jackie:
Jade, go back to Section 13.

Jade:
But this is personal!

Jackie:
All the more reason. Promise me.

Jade:
[Jade growls] Promise.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
The choice is yours Jackie Chan. Crash or burn.

Jade:
I just miss having someone around who listens.

Tohru:
Mmm.

Jade:
Someone like *you*. [Puts her necklace on Tohru] Yin and Yang. Big and small. You and me.

Jackie:
That's your fifth soda.

Jade:
One for every Fenway Frank. Had to wash 'em down with something.

Tohru:
I do not know where she puts it all.

Ratso:
[Walking towards the Women's restroom] Whoa Boss. We can't go where no man has gone before.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
We are not going in fool! Hsi Wu the Sky Demon is coming out.

Jackie:
[Jade opens the door as a battle is going on] Jade, don't open the door! [Jade quickly slams the door shut]

Jade:
Duh!

Captain Black:
Observe the power of... [Picks up the Snake Talisman] Invisibility. [Not realizing he's still visible] Astonishing isn't it? I could be here, or perhaps I'm here. [Realizes he's still visible] Hmm maybe I'm not doing it right.

Captain Black:
I'm sorry about this.

Uncle:
You should be sorry. We are not used to traveling with outsiders. You are ruining our Fung Shuy.

Jade:
[Not realizing she's in her astral form] Whoa. What am I doing there? Astral projection? But I didn't touch the talis - Talk to myself later! [Enters her body]

Uncle:
[to the monks] Take the talismans to the temple! Quickly!

Jade:
Uncle! Jackie! You won't believe this but - [the monks grab Jade and carry her off]

Uncle:
No! The talismans. The talismans!

Jade:
[Lifting two monks] Jackie. Check it out. I'm super strong. [Puts down the monks and starts to run] Super fast. Super gone. [Turns invisible] Super chimp. [Turns into a monkey and then reverts] Super talisman powered. I'm T-Girl!

Jade:
Whoa, so that's how I do heat beam eyes. Maybe dragon blast is my belly button.

Jackie:
No Jade! No dragon blast!

Dalong Wong:
Now, where have you hidden the *real* talismans Chi Wizard.

Uncle:
That would be none of your beeswax!

Jackie:
[Jade cuts a tree with her heat blast. Then catches it before it can fall on Jackie] Jade!

Jade:
Heh. Had heat beams in my eyes.

Captain Black:
[Following Supermoose] Hope he knows where he's going. [Uncle slaps the back of Captain Black's head] Ow!

Uncle:
He is born of talisman magic. And magic seeks magic.

Dalong Wong:
Hand over the girl.

Jade:
Come and get me. [Jade blows a raspberry and fires a dragon blast] Whoa! The tongue is dragon blast!

Captain Black:
[Referring to Supermoose] The little fella did dig us out of a real mess, Jackie. Seems the least we could do

Jackie:
[Jackie sighs] This is the last time. [Captain Black hands Jade the Horse Talisman]

Jade:
Cool! [Uses the talisman, and destroys the moose doll. Jackie gasps]

Captain Black:
Oh boy.

Jade:
Uh, what was dragon blast doing in the Horse Talisman?

[after the Ox talisman turns her into a musclebound powerhouse]

Jade:
Whoa... Talismans. They do a body *good.*

Jackie:
Jade. Scruffy must attend obedience school until he learns to listen. No doubt he takes after his master.

Jade:
Har har.

Jade:
And it looks like the mask removal spell ingredient is Japanese Rice.

Uncle:
Tohru boil rice! Jackie find mask! Jade read sign!

Jade:
Sign?

Uncle:
The one in shop window. No pets allowed!

Farmer MacDonald:
[Referring to his animals] If you ask me, they miss them crazy magic powers they had.

Jade:
You mean heat beam eyes, and levitation? Float like a butterfly sting like a - hot-eyed pig.

Jade:
[as Jackie's fighting Hak Foo] Jackie I'm open! [Jackie keeps the mask. To Scruffy] He so never obeys me either.

Hak Foo:
Tiger tears mask off pooch! [Tarakudo stops him in mid-air]

Tarakudo:
A friendly reminder, muscles. The only thing that can separate a mask from its wearer is -bleech - *good* magic! Now go enjoy a protein shake.

Jackie:
What? Eww. Pee-eww. That is the largest poopie I have ever - I must be on the right track.

Jade:
Say hello to T-Girl and her Amazing T-Troop!

Jackie:
The animals. Your moose. Your muscles?

Jade:
[Nervous laugh] Joined a gym.

Jackie:
I must rescue Jade!

SuperMoose:
Shh. You don't want to reveal T-Girl's secret identity do you?

Jackie:
T-Girl? I wa- I am debating with a stuffed moose.

Jackie:
[after Eggbert levitates the potion] Good work, Eggbert. Now I am complementing a rooster.

Jade:
Whoa. Check it out. Stonehenge disappears. Come on! Sounds like a job for Jackie Chan.

Jackie:
No, it does not. While I am very concerned about this theft as an archaeologist. I am an archaeologist. And this is a job for the proper authorities.

Jackie:
Some people think Stonehenge is magic. But some people think it is a beacon for signalling alien ships. No one knows what it does, Jade, even if it does anything at all. [Jade grunts] Besides what wrong hands are you talking about? Evil organizations aren't hiding behind every corner.

Lead Magister:
He has spied the secret library!

Jackie:
Libary? What library?

Lead Magister:
He has discovered the hidden armory!

Jackie:
I'm just looking for an exit!

Jackie:
Maybe research is a bad idea. If they are after us because of what we know, do we really want to know more?

Jade:
They're hiding something Jackie. And we gotta find out what!

Uncle:
[Picking up the receiver on the Fax machine] Hello? [hears the fax signal] Huh? [a fax comes out] Tohru the giant phone is possessed!

Jackie:
Jade, run! [Fights with Police magister] Jade, I told you to - [Jackie realizes he's still handcuffed to Jade] Oh.

Jade:
[as they running away from magisters] Being handcuffed together is cool! [They get caught on a lamppost] Sometimes.

Jackie:
We have to get help before they find us again.

Jade:
From who? We're fresh out of proper authorities. Anybody here could be another magister. Captain Black has magic issues. The only one who *will* help us is Uncle and he can't even use a fax!

Jackie:
You're right. We are on our own. We had better find out *exactly* what they don't want us to know.

Jade:
[as Uncle is using magic over the phone] I may not knoweth any magic. But I know Uncle!

Uncle:
[Uncle looks outside notices Tohru lifting a monk] Ai Ya! [Uncle runs outside] Tohru no! He is a holy man!

Tohru:
[Tohru puts him down] Heh. Welcome to Uncle's Rare Finds.

Jackie:
But he can't be your leader. He is *our* Tohru.

Monk:
The Chosen One has lived a thousand lifetimes, when one life has run its course, the Chosen One's life energy, his chi, returns in a new vessel.

Jade:
That's why Tohru is so big, all that extra chi!

Tao Lon Wong:
The Ben Shui have located the Chosen One. I, Tao Lon Wong, cannot allow his chi to be awakened, for evil must prevail. Dark chi must reign! Gon! Chui! Ran! [the Dark Warriors appear] Seek out the Chosen One and annihilate him.

Uncle:
[Awakening] Tohru, Uncle has the willies!

Tohru:
Willies?

Uncle:
Dark chi must be near.

Tohru:
How near. [a dark warrior breaks in]

Jade:
[Jackie is using a mattress as a weapon] Pillow fight! [Jade tries to join in, but Uncle holds her back]

Uncle:
You are too young to wage battle with the forces of darkness!

Jade:
[Imitating the Monk] Ahem. The Chosen one is a cleaner of souls. Not a washer of dishes.

Tohru:
But I do not want to be the Chosen One.

Jade:
Tch. Why not? You have your own personal champion, and servants who wade on you hand and foot.

Tohru:
I am not accustomed to such treatment, Jade. I enjoy serving people, especially those I like.

Jade:
[as the Dark Warrior are fighting Jackie] You're fixing a snack?

Uncle:
How can Uncle cast a Chi spell without ingredients?

Jade:
Well you better get cookin'!

Uncle:
Be warned, I was a student of Chi Master Fung.

Tao Lon Wong:
And I am Tao Lon Wong. The Dark Master who defeated Fung!

Uncle:
[Uncle gasps] You will pay for that!

High Mystic:
[as Jackie and company are leaving] Could it be that you found the right place, but the wrong person? Did you see how the girl-child wielded the Chosen One's walking stick? It was as if her chi and his were one.

Monk:
Perhaps we should see if she remembers the yak.

Jackie:
[opens a door and finds a panther] I have had enough work for one day! It is quitting time! Go! GO!

Jade:
[to Jackie] Ew. You didn't tell me Paco would be here.

Paco:
It is good to see you too Senorita Jade. [Paco kisses Jade on the cheek]

Jackie:
Hello, Mr. Chupacabra. You look like you're having a very bad night. Do you have a splinter in your paw? Perhaps we can help.

Jackie:
[to El Chupacabra] You do not want to eat me! I am not a goat!

El Toro Fuerte:
Fear not! The beast is no match for El Toro, the bull!

Jackie Chan:
And El Jackie, the uh... the Chan!

El Toro Fuerte:
Never touch the mask!

El Toro Fuerte:
My friend I fear you must translate more quickly. [starts changing]

Jackie:
I feel like I am missing something obvious. Oh wait here it is. [reading a tablet] "Beware of the Chupacabra's claw. The evil can be transferred from beast to man and the man will become the beast." Bad news. [notices El Toro has changed]

Uncle:
One more thing, El Toro do not go swimming for half an hour. Now let me go home!

[repeated line]

Jackie:
Bad Day! Bad Day! Bad Day!

Uncle:
You forget to make coffee this morning! Coffee is the only thing keeping Uncle's ancient heart beating! You want dead Uncle?

Jackie:
Jade, these are my friends.

Jade:
Your friends knocked you out and took you to their secret underground base?

Jackie:
Uhm... yes.

Jade:
America is *so* cool!

Jackie:
Snowboarding works much better with snow.

Uncle:
One more thing, this is Jade, your niece. She will be living with you for a year, okay?

Jackie:
Okay. I have a niece?

Uncle:
Your cousin Shin's girl from Hong Kong. Jade is not behaving well there. Doing poorly in school. Your cousin thinks she will do better in America with you.

Jackie:
Uh, nobody asked me!

Uncle:
Did not want to bother you.

Jackie:
Where have you been? I don't hear from you for 6 years. Boom! You're in San Francisco saving my butt. Whoa. Those thugs must've knocked me out.

Captain Black:
Actually, I knocked you out.

Captain Black:
I'm sorry but this location must remain secret.

Jackie:
Oh yes. I can see this is very special garbage.

Captain Black:
Jackie...

Jackie:
May I'll see you in another 6 years. Excuse me while I call a cab. [Enters phone booth]

Captain Black:
Uh Jackie

Shendu The Fire Demon:
While Tohru impresses, Valmont. Perhaps he should be aided by... the Shadowkhan.

Valmont:
As you wish, Shendu.

Captain Black:
With this new development, Section 13 could use an archeologist expert such as yourself.

Jackie:
Oh, I'm really just an amateur.

Captain Black:
A wise and talented amateur, whom I know and trust.

Jackie:
But my university work...

Captain Black:
It wouldn't be full time, Jackie, research only. To help us stay one step ahead of Valmont.

Jackie:
I will consider it.

Jade:
[Riding a motorbike in Section 13] Jackie!

Captain Black:
Who is that?

Jackie:
No relation.

Captain Black:
[Jackie's dazed] Jackie, how many fingers do you see?

Jackie:
Look, fishies.

Captain Black:
[to his men] Care to explain how our security was penetrated by a child?

Jade:
I'm not a child. I'm Jackie's niece.

Captain Black:
Didn't know you had a niece, Jackie.

Jackie:
Join the club.

Jackie:
Stay here or I'll put you on the first flight back to Hong Kong.

Jade:
Scouts honor. [Jackie leaves] Tch. Like I'm a scout.

Chow:
[about to put on an Oni mask] Demon magic, here I come.

Fin:
[Fin grabs the mask] Not! You clowns had your shot at being ninja masters. And you blew it!

Ratso:
[Kark Hand has Jade] Look what washed up on deck.

Jackie:
Jade! What are you doing here?

Jade:
Heh. Looks like I'm the catch of the day.

Uncle:
You disrespect Uncle? Uncle took you in. Put roof over your head. Put food in your belly. *Lots* of food, and this is how you repay me?

Tohru:
I cook. I clean. I travel the world to be smothered in fish. And you thank me by demanding many more things.

Uncle, Tohru:
I will never speak to you again!

Tohru:
Jade, please tell Sensei that I will eat my dinner however I please.

Jade:
Uh...

Uncle:
[to Jackie] Please ask Tohru if you would like piece of uncle for dessert?

Ikazuki:
[after being animated by the Rat Talisman] Ikazuki lives. Now bow before my mighty form and - Where is my mighty form? Insolent humans you will pay for your trickery at the hands of my Shadowkhan!

Ikazuki:
Ikazuki lives. Now bow before my mighty form.

Fin:
Uh. This is not happening. This is not happening.

Ratso:
Now way I'm bowing to Fin's tuccus!

Ikazuki:
Remove your hands from my face!

Fin:
Remove your face from my cheeks!

Jade:
[Seeing where Ikazuki ended up] The demon from planet Ura...

Jackie:
Jade!

Jade:
Er- Neptune.

Jackie:
[Uncle is slapping himself] Uncle please.

Uncle:
No Uncle has it coming. Uncle had opportunity to warn Tohru, but did he? No! All because of silly argument. Now my apprentice is in danger of becoming demon. [Uncle slaps himself] One more thing, Uncle says "One more thing" too often.

Fin:
[to Tohru] Come on "T." Help me out here. I *really* need a potty break.

Jade:
[Jade attacks Fin. Fin sits on the Oni Mask] Talk about the ancient art of butt whup.

Jackie:
Uncle, are we sure dabbling with Shadow Magic is the best idea?

Uncle:
If we are to find where Shadowkhan are keeping Tohru, then like Shadowkhan we must travel through Shadow.

Chow:
Yo Fin...

Ratso:
What's the big rush?

Fin:
Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta go! [Enters the men's room]

Jackie:
Jade! What are you doing here?

Jade:
Like I'm going to come all the way down to Australia, and not ride a kangaroo. Tch.

Jackie:
Drago! Uncle, hurry!

Uncle:
Ai-ya! Nephew has ants in his pants. Magic cannot be rushed. [Uncle starts chanting faster]

Drago:
Time to throw a shrimp on the barbie! [Drago breaths fire at Jade]

Jade:
Definitely not a g'day.

Jade:
Hey, since we're still on Australian time, technically it's tomorrow and I've already been to school.

Jackie:
Ha ha ha. "A" for effort, "F" for logic. Now go to bed. You have a big field trip tomorrow.

Jade:
As if. Everybody knows there are no such things as ghosts. But demons, they're real. Big time! [Jade pulls out the chi-o-matic] And this little baby can suck up demon chi like nobody's business!

Drago:
Oh, did I scare you?

Jade:
Yeah. But looks aren't everything!

Jade:
That's two demons against one Chan. I'm outta here!

Jade:
[to a shadowy figure] Miss Hartman, don't eat me! I, uh, didn't even shower this morning.

Uncle:
[Tohru, Uncle and Jackie emerge] Teacher eats students? School has changed from when Uncle was a boy.

Jackie:
Jade! I told you to stay on the bus.

Jade:
What's your point?

Miss Hartman:
What do you want?

Drago:
What do you think, lady? You just sprouted wings out of thin air? You have my Sky Demon Chi and I want it back!

Miss Hartman:
[Miss Hartman throws Drago off] Maybe next time you'll remember the magic word.

Jackie:
Uncle, this place. Explain.

Uncle:
Double dose of Demon Chi has awakened angry spirits in house.

Jackie:
We must find Jade.

Jackie:
You know Tohru, you really should consider coming over to the good side. Section 13 has a marvelous dental plan. And every Thursday is donut day.

Jade:
It's Hip-Hop. Duh. Come on Uncle Coolio, I'll teach you some moves.

Uncle:
Uhg. My hip does not hop.

Jade:
But Uncle, we have cake. We have to celebrate.

Uncle:
When I am another year younger, then I will celebrate.

Valmont:
Tohru, meet Hak Foo.

Tohru:
Hmm, Black Tiger. He does not look ferocious.

Hak Foo:
[HAk Food growls] Angry crow takes flight! [Hak Foo jumps] Emu stands on mountain top! [Lands on Tohru's shoulders] Monkey plucks two peaches!

Tohru:
Uh, looks can be deceiving.

Jade:
Jackie, has Uncle always been like all, you know, Uncly?

Jackie:
No Jade. When Uncle was young, he was just like me.

Jade:
Does that mean you're going to be grouchy, constipated, and smell like garlic when you're Uncle's age?

Jade:
Do I know you?

Hak Foo:
I am Hak Foo. The last human you will ever lay your eyes upon.

Hak Foo:
[Stepping on Jackie] Black Tiger crushes Chan.

Uncle:
You. Tiger Man, remove your foot from Jackie.

Jackie:
[Jackie's dazed] What's a Jackie?

Hak Foo:
Take your leave, or feel the burn.

Uncle:
You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

Hak Foo:
Angry crow takes flight! [Hak Foo jumps towards Uncle. Uncle jumps toward Hak Foo]

Uncle:
Thank you for sharing, Angry Crow! [Uncle kicks Hak Foo]

Hak Foo:
[to Uncle] You! But elephant fist...

Tohru:
Why so afraid? He is an old man. [Uncle knock Tohru down]

Uncle:
[Handing the Dog Talisman to Jackie] Jackie, thank you for allowing me to re-experience my youth. But being young is too dangerous and exhausting! Uncle needs a nap.

Jackie:
Uncle we have to get Jade out. You have to reopen the portal!

Uncle:
Chi spell has sealed the portal. Like it has sealed all the others... forever.

Uncle:
The eighth door.

Jackie:
Uncle?

Uncle:
We have permanently seal the 7 portals belonging to 7 demon sorcerers, but *not* the one belonging to Shendu. It is Jade's *only* hope of escape from the Demon Realm.

Bai Tza:
Now about the eighth door, Shendu. It is the portal of your banishment. Only *you* may pass through it.

Shendu the Fire Deom:
That once was true Bai Tza, but now that I am a spirit, my portal is vacant. Waiting to be filled by others.

Tso Lan:
You mean *another*. Only *one* may pass through each portal.

Po Kong:
Can he be trusted?

Dai Gui:
Of course not.

Xiao Fung:
Yet we have no other options.

Tso Lan:
And all of eternity to punish him should he again deceive us.

Shendu the Fire Demon:
Why the interest in the box, Chan? You have sealed the portals.

Jackie:
I want a keepsake of our time together.

Jackie:
[Working the Panku box] Oh nothing. Jade is good at puzzles. She could figure it out... If she were here.

Jade:
Jackie... Tohru... Uncle. I may never see you again. But in case you find this footage, edit this mooshy part out before you sell it to a TV show. Just want you all to know I miss you. I even miss Uncle's garlic breath.

Uncle:
[Uncle's image appears behind her] Jade.

Jade:
[Jade gasps in surprise] Uncle? How did you -?

Uncle:
Not important. And garlic is good for you.

Jackie:
[Referring to Shendu's portal] Oh it is near... You have got to be kidding!

Tohru:
It is as if Jade herself guided us here.

Jackie:
Hong Kong Mooseworld.

Uncle:
Jackie, there is more than one way to skin a cat. [Uncle throws Jackie a sword] And two ways to open a portal.

Jackie:
Jade.

Jade:
Did you miss me?

Jackie:
Not at all.

Jackie:
Jade! Why do you have to show up *every* time?

Jade:
Cause you'd miss me if I didn't.

Fin:
Oh give us a break, Chan. We're not even working for any forces of darkness this week.

Ratso:
Yeah, we're on vacation.

Chow:
Can't you let us have just one little priceless statue?

Jackie:
The Burmese Raccoon belongs in a museum.