Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge

Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge Screenplay »

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Year:: 1994
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Alan Partridge:
Phillip Parsons, if you're watching, in five minutes time, I will be strapped to a Wheel of Death and you will have a plate with some words and a knife and a fork. What I'm trying to say is you're going to eat your words.

Alan Partridge:
Now I'm no Georgio Armani, I'm Alan Partridge.

Alan Partridge:
That's not racist. French people chomp onions and go "hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh", that's a fact.

Alan Partridge:
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, sacking you, Glenn Ponder. A-ha!

[repeated line]

Alan Partridge:
Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha!

Keith Hunt:
You do realise you're the only person in the country who still thinks Roger Moore's going to turn up?

Alan Partridge:
He'll be here.

Keith Hunt:
Where is he now?

Alan Partridge:
Chiswick Roundabout.

Keith Hunt:
Chiswick Roundabout to TV Centre in 10 minutes?

Alan Partridge:
Yes.

Keith Hunt:
How's he getting here, magic carpet?

Alan Partridge:
If need be, yes.

Alan Partridge:
[the horse droppings are still on the stage behind Alan 10 minutes later] Could someone clear that sh*t away, please? It's just it's in my picture. People may associate it with me.

[Roger Moore is due to appear on the show and Alan has prepared a special room full of props that reference his films]

Alan Partridge:
That's a gold finger.

Shona McGough:
Sean Connery was Goldfinger.

Alan Partridge:
Well done, that was a trick object.

Shona McGough:
Sean Connery was a better Bond anyway.

Alan Partridge:
Well, you know, interesting you take that position, the Scottish position. In the whole Roger vs. Sean deabte that's been raging for the last 20 years, I have to say I'm firmly in the Roger camp. I believe no one could, sort of, wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality.

[Roger Moore still hasn't arrived]

Keith Hunt:
It's a complete shambles, you're putting a brave face on it but he's not here! You tell the viewers Roger Moore's turning up, he's not!

Alan Partridge:
[holding his hand to his earpiece] Keith Hunt, let me stop you in your tracks there, Keith Hunt, you can eat your hat now because, ladies and gentleman, I can confirm Roger Moore is on the show! We're having him on the show right now, live...

Keith Hunt:
Where is he?

Alan Partridge:
Live by telephone linkup from the car on a mobile phone. Hello Roger? Hello Roger?

Roger Moore:
[voice] Hello, Alan.

Alan Partridge:
Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore, uh, erm... Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Roger Moore, A-ha!

[sound of signal interference]

Alan Partridge:
Roger? No? Alright, listen, I'm going to cut to a key question, Roger, we don't have much time... A hypothetical fistfight takes place between Simon Templar, The Saint, and James Bond, 007. Who wins? Any thoughts on that, Roger?

[no answer]

Alan Partridge:
Roger?

[pause]

Alan Partridge:
Roger?

[pause]

Alan Partridge:
Roger?

[the signal noise fades out]

Alan Partridge:
[desperately] ROGER!

Keith Hunt:
Does the word Titanic mean anything to you?

Alan Partridge:
Oh yeah, people go on about Titanic, Titanic... Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget, people forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg!

Gina Langland:
I never knew I had so many fans.

Alan Partridge:
Then why book Earls Court? It's massive.

Alan Partridge:
Well at this stage of the show, some of my viewers maybe thinking "Alan, You're a liar! You promised that this show would be hot and now you're chatting to three senior citizens." But if I said I am now going to jump into a TARDIS, go back in time and recreate the Berlin Olympics with these three old women, you'd say "Alan, that is hot, we were wrong earlier."

Alan Partridge:
You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on "Grandstand" in 1938 on this pleasant summer morning in Nazi Germany. Everyone's here. Hitler's in his box, Jesse Owens just waved to him. He doesn't like that.

Yvonne Boyd:
Really clothes are just things that cover up our mutual nakedness, I mean, underneath our clothes we're, all of us, naked. Even you, Alan.

Alan Partridge:
No, I'm not.

Nina Vanier:
All we are saying is that underneath your clothes you are naked.

Alan Partridge:
No, I'm not.

Nina Vanier:
[to fashion designer Yvonne Boyd] I'm a big fan of your clothes. I must say, the outfit you are wearing tonight is wonderful, I really love it.

Alan Partridge:
I didn't know that as well doing fashion you also do pantomime.

Yvonne Boyd:
What do you mean?

Alan Partridge:
I presume you're Widow Twankey?

Yvonne Boyd:
No.

Alan Partridge:
Are you an ugly sister?

Nina Vanier:
Alan, these are Yvonne's clothes.

Alan Partridge:
I'm sorry, I thought you did pantomime.

Yvonne Boyd:
No, I don't do pantomime.

Alan Partridge:
Well, maybe you should, you know, I mean... you've got the clothes. And without wanting to be vulgar, the money is very good.

[a model comes on wearing a weird outfit featuring medical-themed objects]

Alan Partridge:
Is this man injured?

Yvonne Boyd:
No, the whole collection is based on images of hospitalisation.

Alan Partridge:
Right, so the idea is: you've had an operation, you want to look good on the ward, that's what you wear?

Yvonne Boyd:
No, they're for wearing anywhere. You wear them on the street.

Alan Partridge:
He's wearing slippers. Sorry, the only man I know who wears slippers on the street is called Douggie. He wanders round Norwich shopping precinct with a Cornish pasty in his hand shouting "Get away, it's a bomb!" He's insane.

Yvonne Boyd:
Well, maybe he's sane and we're all mad.

Alan Partridge:
This waistcoat covered in corn plasters, are they used?

Yvonne Boyd:
Of course not, don't be so ludicrous.

Alan Partridge:
Sorry, I'm being told I'm ludicrous by Mrs Whippy Head?

Alan Partridge:
No one will wear these clothes. They look rubbish. Ordinary people do not like those clothes.

Phillippe Lambert:
I like those clothes.

Nina Vanier:
I like them too.

Alan Partridge:
You're not ordinary, you're French!

Alan Partridge:
You're sacked! You are sacked, I'm sacking you. In fact, it's happened, it's over, it's already happened, you are a sacked man. You've been sacked. You're the subject of a sacking, I want you off these premises in 10 minutes. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, sacking you, Glenn Ponder. A-ha!

Alan Partridge:
Sorry, I'm confused, I've got to ask a couple of questions. This man here, what's this round his midriff?

Yvonne Boyd:
It's a blood bag.

Alan Partridge:
What if it bursts?

Yvonne Boyd:
Well, you mop it up.

Alan Partridge:
What with? What with?

Yvonne Boyd:
With the eyepatch. It's not a problem. I mean, what if your nose bleeds? You know, what if your arm bursts?

Alan Partridge:
What?

Yvonne Boyd:
What if your arm bursts?

Alan Partridge:
Sorry, I've heard of a nosebleed, but in my 14 years of professional broadcasting, including 3 years as a hospital radio disc jockey, I've never had anyone come up to me and say "My arm's just burst. Could you play a dedication?"

Alan Partridge:
[hosting a political debate] And the final candidate, who we have to have on, he's paid his deposit and that's democracy, is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III of the Bald Brummies Against the Big-Footed Conspiracy Party, A-ha.

Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III:
[caricatured Birmingham accent] Bald Brummies!

[his fellow 'Bald Brummies' in the audience blow party blowers]

Alan Partridge:
[quieting them down] Come on! Please, there's a time and a place for fun and enjoyment and it's not on this show.

Alan Partridge:
Throughout the questions I will be remaining impartial at all times. I will remain Pontius Partridge.

Alan Partridge:
Charlotte Fraser, Labour, we see these pictures of old woman's faces in the paper, surely the best way to deal with hooligans is to hang them by the neck until the spinal column is severed thus starving the body of oxygen, isn't that the best, most sensible way to deal with them?

Charlotte Fraser:
Absolutely not, no, hanging really is brutal and barbaric and the hallmark of an uncivilised society.

Alan Partridge:
[interrupting] OK, right, what about lethal injection? Gas chamber? Electric chair? You know? We're spoiled for choice.

Charlotte Fraser:
That's not really the point, Alan. I mean, all the indications...

Alan Partridge:
Firing squad?

Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III:
The head slap?

Alan Partridge:
The head slap... No, don't, please, please, don't, um, please don't do that, Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.

Charlotte Fraser:
There's no evidence to show that capital punishment would reduce the crime statistics.

Alan Partridge:
Well, it'd reduce it by one, wouldn't it?

Alan Partridge:
The phone lines are open, we have a call: David Silk from Leeds. David, are you there?

David Silk:
[voice] Yes, I am.

Alan Partridge:
Are you wearing any silk?

David Silk:
[voice] No, I'm naked.

Alan Partridge:
I'm trying to help you out here, mate. You're in danger of losing the safest Conservative seat in the country. Get a grip.

Adrian Finch:
Full steam ahead.

Alan Partridge:
No, you made that joke earlier and it wasn't funny then.

Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III:
He's run out of steam.

Alan Partridge:
You see, he's quick. Get on the ball!

Adrian Finch:
What we must do, absolutely, is put in place a system of, um, um...