Late Show with David Letterman

John Kerry:
[Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals] 10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents. 9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form. 8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton. 7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair. 6. Attorney General Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution. 5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa. 4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa to cover the whole damn thing. 3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent. 2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular." 1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.

David Letterman:
[introduction to Stupid Pet Tricks and Stupid Human Tricks] This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, no wagering.

David Letterman:
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

[David is working at McDonald's]

David Letterman:
Yes. Welcome to Mc Donald's. What do you want?

Customer:
Hello.

David Letterman:
Yeah, what can I do for you?

Customer:
Medium Sprite.

David Letterman:
Yeah, what can I do for you?

Customer:
Sprite.

David Letterman:
Medium Sprite?

Customer:
That's it.

David Letterman:
That's all?

Customer:
Yes.

David Letterman:
You couldn't have gotten out of your car for a medium Sprite?

[David is working at McDonald's]

David Letterman:
Welcome to Mc Donald's.

Customer:
Get me a cheeseburger.

David Letterman:
Your order is a cheeseburger?

Customer:
Yep.

David Letterman:
Are you busy right now?

Customer:
I gotta head to work. Why?

David Letterman:
Could you swing by the grocery store and get us a bag of onions?

Customer:
A bag of onions?

David Letterman:
Yeah. We're running low.

[Later, David takes new customer]

David Letterman:
United 16957, 727. This is Kennedy Ground Control. What's the problem? Power it on in.

Customer:
I have your onions here.

David Letterman:
What?

Customer:
The ten-pound bag of onions.

David Letterman:
You're got the onions? All right. Come on through. We really appreciate it. Thanks for helping out.

[David is working at McDonald's]

Customer:
Can I have two Whoppers, please

David Letterman:
We're all out of Whopples.

Customer:
No. Whoppers, Whoppers.

David Letterman:
We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

Himself - Announcer:
People always ask me, 'Big Red, what's your secret to scoring with a different hot chick every single night of the week?' You want to know how I land the really wild babes? I clean my dishes with Ajax.

David Letterman:
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"

Alan Kalter:
Dwight, have you had any luck finding a summer job?

Dwight The Troubled Teen:
Summer job? When all my friends are playing video games and hanging out at the mall? No way.

Alan Kalter:
A summer job means spending money, Dwight. And it teaches you responsibility.

Dwight The Troubled Teen:
Oh, responsibility. Like when you brag to your golf buddies about how you cheat on your taxes? And when you hit that car in the parking lot and just drove away? You disgust me, you corrupt old fraud! I hate you! I hate all of you!

Dwight The Troubled Teen:
Hi, I'm Dwight the Troubled Teen. This summer, why not help make our nation's highways and byways beautiful. Join a highway clean-up program in your area. You'll be glad you did! This is Dwight the Troubled Teen saying, "Have a fun, safe summer, everyone."

Pat Farmer:
Do you like her?

Jeff:
Yeah, but someone should tell her to lay off the donuts.

David Letterman:
[during a typically silly comedy skit] This is the only thing on CBS right now...

Himself - Bandleader:
[after he and David play around with air raid sirens, impersonating a broadcast announcer] This is a test. This is only a test. If this is an actual emergency, flip over to Leno.

Alan Kalter:
Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Dr. Love.

David Letterman:
[on premiere episode of new CBS show] When I left my old job at NBC, there was talk that maybe they would sue me if this show was anything like the old show, and frankly I never took it seriously, because for one thing I thought, well, the legal department at NBC has their hands all tied up defending that "Dateline NBC" show... and then this morning I wake up and next to me in bed is the head of a peacock, so I don't know... [band plays "Godfather" theme]

Paul Newman:
[interrupting Dave from the back row of the auditorium] Hey! Where the hell are the singing cats?

[performing with Peanut]

Peanut:
[seeing Paul] Oh, my God!

Jeff Durham:
What?

Peanut:
Does Superman know Lex Luthor works here?

[laughter]

[about performing in Salt Lake City]

Peanut:
It was kind of a sad trip to Salt Lake City, because apparently there at the local zoo, they've been having trouble with their giraffe population.

Jeff Durham:
Yes.

Peanut:
And the day before we got there, they lost another giraffe.

Jeff Durham:
Yes.

Peanut:
Apparently, this giraffe got sick, collapsed, threw up, and died.

Jeff Durham:
Very sad. Nothing funny about that.

[Peanut turns to stare at Jeff]

Jeff Durham:
[worried] You found something funny with that?

[Peanut nods]

Jeff Durham:
What?

Peanut:
The throwing up part.

[laughter]

Jeff Durham:
How is that funny?

Peanut:
A giraffe, throwing up? Think about it! It would take for*ever*!

[Peanut pantomimes throwing up, turning his head to the side, downwards, backwards, and finally pantomimes looking at a watch]

Peanut:
You could get your taxes done in the time he's finished!

[Top Ten Things Never Before Spoken by a Hockey Player]

Donald Brashear:
Instead of fighting, why don't we work things out over brunch?

Dan Girardi:
Between you and me, I have no idea what the hell "icing" is.

Marian Gaborik:
What this team needs is a skating kitty!

Brandon Dubinsky:
I really wish these fans would watch their language.

Chris Drury:
High scorer gets to pick which Barbra Streisand CD we listen to on the bus.

Marc Staal:
Forget all the goals and the awards, Gordie Howe has one nice looking butt.

Christopher Higgins:
For good luck, I lick the puck.

Ryan Callahan:
My real dream is to work at an insurance company.

Henrik Lundqvist:
Who can concentrate on hockey when Jennifer Aniston still hasn't found love?

Sean Avery:
I wish Letterman was on at ten.

Himself - Host:
[as Jay Leno] How come were not getting paid? What's the matter? We're not getting paid here! You know? I was telling Mavis the other night "Hey we're not getting paid!" We ought to put him on 'Ten at Ten' cause we're not getting paid here! I was just telling Mavis there I was working on my car!

Alan Kalter:
[opening introduction] And now - Abbottabad realtor with a brand new listing: Dave Letterman!

David Letterman:
[following Cee Lo Green's profanity-laced performance of "F*** You!"] I never get tired of listening to Cole Porter.

Himself - Host:
[to Conan O'Brien] What about your relationship with Jay? Because you knew Jay before he demanded that he get his show back.

Himself - Host:
[as Jay Leno] My next guest is a judge on 'America's Got Talent' with a Sirius Radio program, Mr. Howard Stern! Come on out Howard!

David Letterman:
You got the Rolling Stones, that's fine, I'll be there for that. But they also have some opening acts, some support groups. Bruce Springsteen, kid from New Jersey. Lady Gaga from Parts Unknown. And the Black Keys.

David Letterman:
All right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Top Ten Things I, Mick Jagger, have learned after 50 years in rock and roll. Are you ready? I'm ready. Here we go. Number 10.

Mick Jagger:
Nobody wants to hear anything from your new album.

David Letterman:
All right, all right. Number Nine.

Mick Jagger:
Never take relationship advice from Phil Spector.

David Letterman:
Number Eight.

Mick Jagger:
Before you shout, "Hi, Seattle", make sure you're in Seattle.

David Letterman:
Number Seven.

Mick Jagger:
You don't earn a cent when someone does a song about having "Moves Like Jagger."

David Letterman:
Number Six.

Mick Jagger:
Everybody you meet after you become famous is only interested in you as a person.

David Letterman:
Number Five.

Mick Jagger:
Song royalties are great, but even they can't match the guaranteed cash flow from a reverse mortgage.

David Letterman:
Number Four.

Mick Jagger:
A good way to keep yourself entertained is to sign every tenth autograph "Doris Goldblatt."

David Letterman:
Number Three.

Mick Jagger:
Be considerate of other hotel guests- trash your room by 10 PM.

David Letterman:
Number Two.

Mick Jagger:
You can't always get what you want- like a good joke on the Top Ten List.

David Letterman:
That's right, that's exactly right. And now, the Number One thing I, Mick Jagger, have learned after 50 years in rock and roll.

Mick Jagger:
You start out playing rock 'n' roll so you can have sex and do drugs, but you end up doing drugs so you can still play rock 'n' roll and have sex.

Himself - Host:
The reason we were attacked, the reason these people are dead, these people are missing and dead... They weren't doing anything wrong, they were living their lives, they were going to work, they were traveling, they were doing what they normally do. Uh, as I understand it-and my understanding of this is vague, at best-another smaller group of people stole some airplanes and crashed them into buildings. And we're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervor, religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand years old, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamned sense?

David Letterman:
[debating with Bill O'Reilly] I might not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point, but I have the feeling that about 60 percent of what you say is crap.

Alan Kalter:
It's time for "Late Show Before They Were Stagehands!"

Alan Kalter:
Pat Farmer is a treasured, much beloved member of the "Late Show" family. As the head stagehand, he holds a job of immense responsibility and is integral to the production of the show. But, what was Pat before he was a stagehand?

Pat Farmer:
I was an assistant stagehand.

Alan Kalter:
Fascinating! This has been "Late Show Before They Were Stagehands!" Stick around!

[last lines]

David Letterman:
Alright, that's pretty much all I got. The only thing I have left to do, for the last time on a television program: Thank you, and good night.