Law & Order: Criminal Intent

[opening title narration]

Narrator:
In New York City's war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You two have a play date?

Detective Robert Goren:
One thing this line of work teaches us is that guys will do anything for love.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
When tourists take a bite of the Big Apple, the apple isn't supposed to bite back.

Mr. Smythe:
Four counts of manslaughter. That's what I get for overestimating the intelligence of a grand jury.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Just be grateful the D.A. let you off with a plea bargain.

Mr. Smythe:
I don't consider shutting down my website a bargain. All right, Joanie and Chachi, right? This is the last chat I have for them.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Thank you, you can go do your little dance in Hell now.

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, she didn't believe in heaven and hell, so how would she know the devil was massaging her neck?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
We have that Ukrainian politician to thank for that.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Sex fiend and a bully, politics is a perfect place for him.

Detective Mike Logan:
You want fun? Date a cop.

Detective Robert Goren:
Wait, you can't leave now that the cat's out of the bag!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
A divorce lawyer - the gift that keeps on giving.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[seeing Goren reading a book written by a suspect] What are you doing, underlining the dirty parts?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Goren] The way she was making googly eyes at you I thought you were getting through to her.

Detective Robert Goren:
Woohoo! Steamy!

Captain James Deakins:
Try to curb your enthusiasm.

Detective Robert Goren:
I'll curb it when we get this freak locked in a box.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[on the phone] Sure, we'll be right over.

Captain James Deakins:
We need to go public.

Detective Robert Goren:
Bing! Right here.

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
He killed her over a toy boat?

Detective Robert Goren:
You know men, they get very attached to toys.

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
If it's all right, I'd like to go with you.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Eames is pregnant] Sure, you can carry me up the stairs.

[last lines]

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
Lena got what she wanted. She stopped a killer, but at what cost?

Detective Robert Goren:
Maybe that's what she couldn't live with.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Nicole Elizabeth Wallace Hitchens Haynes, whatever. All of you are under arrest.

Detective Robert Goren:
I believe there is a part of you, Nicole, that loves Gavin. In that bunker you call a heart.

Nicole Wallace:
Don't think for a second that this is the end of us, Bobby.

[referring to notes on Goren's desk]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Admirers?

Detective Robert Goren:
No, reporters. They want a comment.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Can they print a hand gesture?

Nicole Wallace:
Keep your hands on deck. We don't want you playing with your pistol under the table.

Nicole Wallace:
Did it ever occur to you how much you despised him?

Detective Robert Goren:
Who, Croydon?

Nicole Wallace:
No. "Daddies," Bobby; the subject is "daddies."

Detective Robert Goren:
You blew it, Nicole: your one chance for happiness, with Gavin. One chance, and you had to come back to *me*? You couldn't leave well enough alone. That's the price of denial.

Nicole Wallace:
[about her new husband] Do you know what I love about him most? He doesn't need anything from me.

Nicole Wallace:
[as Goren holds her hand to administer an anthrax test] Is it everything you imagined?

Detective Robert Goren:
Don't flatter yourself.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Detective Goren] You're the lapsed altar boy.

Detective Robert Goren:
[trying to get a man's description] Was he big, like me?

Sister Edwina:
Not so big. And not so... Caucasian.

Detective Robert Goren:
[referring to the murder victim] He embraced good causes.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
He also embraced any woman who got close enough for a smell test.

Duke DeGuerin:
[introducing the police to his wife] And these are Detectives Goblin and, um...

Duke DeGuerin:
Goren and Eames.

Detective Robert Goren:
I think his rage was greater than his desire.

Detective Robert Goren:
[looking at a movie poster] "Venefica"... Ancient Roman sorceresses - they killed men by the act of love.

Amy Townsend:
An earring whore.

Nicole Wallace:
In American literature, the descent into madness is normally preceeded by obsession.

Sylvia Moon:
[crying] You don't know what it's like!

Detective Robert Goren:
What, to work so hard?

Sylvia Moon:
Yes.

Detective Robert Goren:
And still be a nobody.

Sylvia Moon:
Yes.

Detective Robert Goren:
Welcome to the human race.

Rani Khan:
[to his sister] You look well: House arrest agrees with you.

Detective Mike Logan:
Should we hold on to him, let him sweat?

Captain Danny Ross:
The beauty of a material witness.

Detective Mike Logan:
You're going on a CIA-sponsored tour of all the hot spots.

Bela Khan:
Ajay, we don't have anything to hide... do we?

Detective Mike Logan:
You were too quick to kneel, to cradle your brother, to get his blood on you - on your pink suit.

Captain Danny Ross:
Tell me you got a warrant for that.

Detective Zach Nichols:
Oh, why bother?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Gee, I need a hanky.

Detective Robert Goren:
You're in deep serious now, kid.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Clerical error, my ass. She got to him.

Terry Randolph:
[about Goren] There's nothing innocent about that baby face.

Detective Robert Goren:
[Boston accent] Actually Randolph...

Terry Randolph:
Detective, I'd like to be refered to by my rank.

Detective Robert Goren:
[salutes, sarcasticly] Cluster, Sargent.

Detective Robert Goren:
Your girls. They go to Mary Hill. That's ten, fifteen thousand a year for each. How do you afford it?

Terry Randolph:
If something's important enough, you find a way. We're very frugal.

Detective Robert Goren:
[chuckles] Oh... oh... My partner's a, a miser. I'm frugal. And neither of us could afford a house, two kids in a private school...

Terry Randolph:
You're not that frugal. You buy nice clothes. Pay full price; nothin' in your size is ever on sale. You buy good-quality accessories, like that leather case. You're not married, so you spend money on dates. You like good food. You have someone in to clean your apartment every week. You're smart, have lots of interests and hobbies, and you spend a fortune on them. I don't wonder that you don't have money for a house; I wonder how you make subway fare, the way you spend money.

Detective Robert Goren:
One of those hobbies of mine, is studying laws, the laws you used to be paid to enforce.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
My dad's a cop, when I have a problem he's still the first one I talk to.

Detective Robert Goren:
I almost forgot, I once busted a stripper who did a thing with a glow stick, do they do that there?

Louis Pens:
Yeah, they do that.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Goren] I can't believe you touched that thing.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Yeah I'll bet Jenny felt right at home in a titty bar, oh right that's the point, Walter, she didn't!

Detective Robert Goren:
[admiring a murderer's modus operandi] So he killed her without touching her.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
And they say all the good men are taken.

Joanne Dexler:
[to her daughter, newly arrested for murder] You are *such* a disappointment.

Detective Robert Goren:
[Last lines] Beauty. It's a beast.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I see a pub quiz in our near future.

Detective Robert Goren:
[checking surfaces for cocaine] Try the chair.

Detective Kahn:
You think she snorted it off the chair?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
We're thinking she didn't snort it.

Detective Kahn:
...Oh.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Multiple times throughout episode] Naughty cyberpals. Very naughty cyberpals.

[last lines]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
He'll get over it... just like Peter Bonham.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
[referring to a frightened murder suspect] So - he may be human after all.

Detective Robert Goren:
Optimist.

Ken Harris:
[holding Goren] You panic, you die.

Jackie Dooley:
De mortuis nihil nisi bonum.

Detective Zach Nichols:
Speak no ill of the dead.

Detective Robert Goren:
We can all read, Captain.

Detective Robert Goren:
Reverend, your cup runneth over.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[finding gay porn in the reverend's desk drawer] One of these things is not like the others.

Michael Carling:
Your warrant says I have to let you search his office. It doesn't say I have to answer your questions.

Captain James Deakins:
[referring to a car-jacking/murder case in that happened on 9-11] I'd say they put about two hours work into this and called it quits.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Maybe because they had 2,000 other homicides to solve that day.

Detective Robert Goren:
[opening up a container of very nasty smelling cheese] That's Rochette. Made from sheep's milk.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You can tell that just from the smell?

Detective Robert Goren:
It's, uh... on the label.

Detective Robert Goren:
[entering a warehouse with a strong coffee smell] Do you smell it?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I'm getting a caffeine buzz just breathing it in.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[after reading an article by a lawyer killed by a hitman] Sounds like Old MacDonald rubbed some people the wrong way.

Captain James Deakins:
[referring to a case of mistaken identity] They wacked the wrong lawyer. That beats all.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[watching Goren playing with the flesh on a corpse] Uck. You keep doing that, I'm gonna drop this kid right here.

ADA Ron Carver:
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. You have an offended mobster and his son. A case of mistaken identity. An incompetent hitman. A hitman's widow. A hitman's missing sister. A corrupt cop. And now another dead killer. It's... it's operatic.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[sarcastically] Self-defense works for me.

Detective Robert Goren:
Sweet... isn't it? Revenge.

Captain James Deakins:
[referring to a cop being taken away] So much for passing out brains with those gold shields.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
[rhetorically] What was it Clarence Darrow said? "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children."

Detective Robert Goren:
Only if you let them.

Stan Coffman:
[to Goren] You know, you're awfully snoopy.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
A lot of people point that out.

Detective Robert Goren:
[sitting in the driver's seat of Roger's virgin 1962 Ferrari GTO] Oh, I wish I could tell you how this *feels.* But I can't, not in mixed company... You have no idea!

Roger Coffman:
You son-of-a-b*tch!

Detective Robert Goren:
You have no idea.

Detective Robert Goren:
You don't look so plump and happy now, George.

Detective Robert Goren:
This must be some kind of situation you've got on your hands.

Stuart Gaston:
Why do you say that?

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, you've loosened your tie, you've got a drink on your desk, you've got three phone lines blinking, and you're chewing the inside of your cheeks like some kind of frantic chipmunk.

Detective Robert Goren:
[pauses, Stuart looks flustered] Are you under a lot of stress?

Detective Robert Goren:
We are - discreet - with innocent victims... if they behave like innocent victims.

Lucille Mobray:
[fighting tears] I just *had* to have it!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
This wasn't a robbery gone bad.

Detective Robert Goren:
It's murder gone good.

Captain James Deakins:
Nothing like a two-thousand degree fire to destroy evidence.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I hear skeletons in the family closet.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[after Goren explains what certain autopsy tools were used on Kittridge for] Don't tell me they took his brain!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[wondering why doctors wanted to study Kittridge's brain] A politician's brain. Maybe they wanted to see how he talked out of both sides of his mouth.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Senator Kittridge will be disappointed his polyp didn't get to save mankind from some terrible disease.

Detective Robert Goren:
But then, you'd be worth bringing back.

Spencer Durning:
I don't plan on dying.

Detective Robert Goren:
Will a show-and-tell help?

Detective Robert Goren:
His future? Your future! You don't plan on dying, remember? You want to be immortal, you *got* to be immortal! And not in a, a tub of nitrogen, no! Your vessel to eternity is the Durning Foundation. To carry your legacy burning bright through the centuries. No, it's not enough for you to be humanitarian of the year; you got to be humanitarian of the millennium.

Detective Robert Goren:
[disgusted] Shame on you.... Humanitarian... to everything and everyone, except your son... your son's tragedy. Because, Spence, however much you may like humanity, it's people that you can't stand.

Detective Robert Goren:
[about the travel arrangements for Miss Kittridge's remains] Private jet? Yeah, man, even dead these people go first class, huh.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
No wonder he was angry. She stole his robot.

Detective Robert Goren:
They use the same psychological coercion as cults.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
So did the guy who sold me my car.

Detective Robert Goren:
You wanted to transform your context.

Doug Morgan:
Yes. That's what I did.

Detective Robert Goren:
What's a "context," Doug?

Doug Morgan:
[looks flustered, stutters] I... It's - it's hard to say.

Detective Robert Goren:
It's in your letter; you don't know what it means?

[Goren and Eames are pretending to be a "civilian" married couple interested in attending a self-help seminar]

Detective Robert Goren:
Mr. Fuller, we were invited by someone here who works for you.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
We don't know that, honey.

Detective Robert Goren:
Anyway, no one seems to know her, uh... [pauses, looks directly at Fuller] You made us, didn't you? What gave us away?

Randall Fuller:
Her sensible shoes. And her sleeve. It's, uh, shiny from rubbing against her holster. [He looks at Goren] Oh, and your belt is scratched where you clip your badge.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
He's good.

Detective Robert Goren:
Look, strip down all their double-talk. What is it that Randall Fuller really said to those people? [paraphrasing] "Everything you've done is wrong." "Everything you are is false."

Detective Alexandra Eames:
"But it wasn't your fault; you were 'programmed' that way."

Detective Robert Goren:
"Leave it to Grace Note to give you back your life." It's *very* seductive.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The "Grace Note" Suicide Diet!

Doug Morgan:
No! [rises from his seat] It's - it's - it's how you see it. It's the story you tell. It's not the way it is. *You* can't differentiate one thing from another, you... [bangs on interrogation-room door] I know how it is. I get it. You don't. You're not a "clear"!

Detective Robert Goren:
And that's when you overcame your biggest fear. You changed your way of being.

Doug Morgan:
Yes!

Detective Robert Goren:
You killed your dad and transformed your life.

Doug Morgan:
[nods, smiling] Yes, I did.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
And you killed your brother for the same reason.

Detective Robert Goren:
The brother who had loved you, who watched over you.

Doug Morgan:
It's wasn't real love. The context wasn't authentic. He watched out for me out of guilt. It's old stuff.

Detective Robert Goren:
It's in the past. You killed your dad and you... let it go.

Doug Morgan:
Yes!

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, so then you became everything that Grace Note promised you. I mean, like it says here in the brochure, look! You became creator of your own destiny! Wow, look at you! You're a success story!

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
Is it a cult? Brain control?

Detective Robert Goren:
Yes.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
No.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
How reassuring.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Those people did NOT look like zombies when they came in.

Detective Robert Goren:
Every time before he spoke, he looked up. The Manson girls did the same thing during their murder trial. They were visualizing.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
What's he visualizing?

Detective Robert Goren:
Not what... who?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Four hours without a bathroom break, I thought I was going to pop a valve.

[last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
So that's what vengence gets ya - a mouthful of ashes.

[first lines]

Elliot Falls:
[to a female crew member clipping a microphone to his shirt just before air-time] You give great mike!

Detective Mike Logan:
[referring to a blackmail case] Gay sex?

Dave McElroy:
No, call-girl. Think Spitzer, not McGreevey.

Detective Mike Logan:
[referring to a bombing] Old-time pro who likes to keep on top of trends?

Al Petrosino:
Think Tony Bennett, not Steve and Eydie.

Ted Regan:
[on construction site] If somebody in my business had killed him, you woulda never found the body. [He chuckles]

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers:
Why do all cops think that if they'd stayed in school they could have been doctors?

Barry Freeburg:
[referring to his wife's infidelity] There's another clown in the tent.

Captain Danny Ross:
Detective, what do you want me to do, ask the D.A. to hold him on suspicion of being a large, scary black man?

Detective Mike Logan:
'I love my husband so much I killed my lover'. Sounds like a great country song, too bad Curtis is too dead to record it.

Captain Danny Ross:
[to Detective Falacci] This isn't Brooklyn North, this is Major Case. We're dealing with a higher class of criminal.

Detective Nola Falacci:
Where were you all this time?

Ronald Hawk:
I'm fifty years old. I fell asleep.

Dr. Charles Webb:
[about Goren, who is staring intently at him] Could somebody please tell him to stop looking at me? It's intollerable.

Detective Robert Goren:
Nobody's reasonable when they're in love. That's the whole point of it!

ADA Ron Carver:
Your client's not insane, he's in love. Maybe it's hard to tell the two apart, but... the law can.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[about the murder of a soon-to-be-divorced man] I guess the custody issue's been worked out.

Detective Robert Goren:
[discussing a murder victim] Alimony orders: Feldman was pulling down $700,000 a year, and the judge awarded Mrs. Feldman $1,000 a month. Out of five million in community assets, Mrs. Feldman gets $300,000.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Who *is* this judge, the Honorable O.J.?

Detective Robert Goren:
But she wasn't loving you back, and you thought that maybe you weren't man enough, didn't you. You had to show her that you were man enough, so you dug into your reptilian brain, and this is what you came up with: Kill the wolf at the door! Throw the body at her feet, and gates of paradise will open wide! She will give herself to you! You'll be "King of the World!" instead of a scared, old, man.

Detective Robert Goren:
I've been there; every man in this room has. You were sixteen again, in your new *sweet* car. You never felt better in your life! You *had* to have her.

Webb's Attorney:
[about Goren] Mr. Carver, if you don't shut him up...

Dempsey Powers:
You're a devil.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You should see me in a blue dress.

Dempsey Powers:
Yeah, well I ain't afraid of the devil.

Susan Rowan:
Why are you showing me this?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
This is what your husband does for a living: he kills people.

Detective Robert Goren:
That's how he paid for this car, the house, the condo in Florida.

Harry Rowan:
They won't find anything, I've searched this entire area, it's not here.

Detective Robert Goren:
That sounds like a confession to me.

Tommy Onerato:
[pouring glasses of grappa] Cin cin!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[as Goren prepares to drink] We're on duty.

[Goren, disappointed, lowers his glass]

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers:
Serves 'em right for eating a poor, endangered bivalve.

Mrs. Caldwell:
[about Beatrice Onorato] She was fifteen going on thirty going on five.

Beatrice Onorato Mailer:
This won't hurt a bit.

[Holding her father's bleeding hand, she squeezes lemon juice onto an open knife cut as he silently flinches]

Beatrice Onorato Mailer:
Remember the first time you told me that?

Tommy Onerato:
[to his daughter] What would you want with a baby? Kids just ruin everything. I could've told you that.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Gluttony. Now I know why it made the short list of Deadly Sins.

Tommy Onerato:
[to his son-in-law] In bocca al lupo. [Usually "Good luck"; but literally "Into the mouth of the wolf."]

Captain James Deakins:
[to Detective Logan] You become a problem for me, you'll be the first to know.

Detective Mike Logan:
[as he tackles a fleeing but fat suspect] What's the rush, you got a date with a doughnut?

Johnny Feist:
[referring to his jailed girlfriend] We could bust her out.

Dede McCann:
Don't be stupid. I'll get you another.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
A child's relationship with an addicted parent is - very complicated.

Detective Mike Logan:
You're her poodle-boy, Johnny. Does she let you eat off her plate?

Detective Carolyn Barek:
[discussing childhood foods] So, what did Mrs. Logan make for her boy?

Detective Mike Logan:
Rum punch.

[Barek looks silently at Logan]

Detective Mike Logan:
Private joke.

Dede McCann:
[screaming] There is no mothering like *real* mothering! You hear me, Johnny? You go to Hell!

Detective Carolyn Barek:
A mother that doesn't care her daughter strips in front of strangers? My mom would've killed me.

Detective Mike Logan:
I can say 'stop, police!' and 'what's your sign?' in 15 different language.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
[to Johnny] Detective Logan knows about that kind of hate, see his mother used to make him buy booze for her. [to Logan] Tell him about it, he needs to know.

Detective Mike Logan:
Well, after the first drink it was all hugs and kisses, a few drinks later, she'd grab whatever she could find and start beating me with it. Then when she got tired of holding whatever she was hitting me with, she'd use her fists. And then the next day, it would start all over again.

Mrs. Crais:
He said he was in love with love, so he shot my husband of 22 years.

Detective Mike Logan:
He put more holes in mom than pop.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
You noticed that too?

Detective Carolyn Barek:
Unfortunately.

Detective Mike Logan:
You know you should get yourself a cell phone so people wouldn't think you're talking to yourself.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
Too many years working alone.

Detective Zach Nichols:
[Examining Body] Her panties are probably down. He redressed her.

Detective Serena Stevens:
Modest. The righteous are always the worst.

Detective Mike Logan:
He gives her a car; three months later he tries to shoot her. Sounds like love to me.

Detective Mike Logan:
[describing a suspect] A good aim, low morals, and... expensive tastes.

Detective Mike Logan:
[to the opera wardrobe manager] People told us you had a bug problem with your costumes. Like, really *big* bugs? Thirty pounds' worth?

Philip Reinhardt:
[writing at his desk, to the detectives] When I look up, you'll be gone.

Gillian Booth:
My Siegfried, my savior.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
All the sounds and smells of her disintegration.

Mr. Sternman:
Where are you going with your b*obs hanging out like that?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
If I were in this family, I'd probably drink, too.

Detective Robert Goren:
It's the perfect prescription for paranoia.

Detective Robert Goren:
It's brilliant!

April Callaway:
You said that nobody would get hurt. You promised me!

Mitch Godel:
[to detectives, sarcastically] I *promised* her. Can you believe this chick?

[last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
She didn't believe in Heaven or Hell, so how would she know that the Devil was massaging her neck?

Detective Robert Goren:
[appealing to criminal suspect] I mean, what's more selfish than the desire for personal freedom?

Captain James Deakins:
This one knows about the tickets but not the money. This one knows about the money but not the tickets. These two clowns can't keep their stories straight.

Detective Robert Goren:
They have access codes to hundreds of bank accounts, nearly two million dollars. And they only take $100,000.

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
Barely covers their overhead.

Captain James Deakins:
Hmmm.

Detective Robert Goren:
Now, $100,000 is just enough to catch our attention. Just enough to, um, lead us to these two.

Captain James Deakins:
They've been set up.

Detective Robert Goren:
So have we.

Captain James Deakins:
When we catch this guy, he's gonna owe me a bottle of aspirin.

Luther Pinkston:
I didn't give you a name.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
And we didn't push Bobby Boyd off that roof but... you know how rumors spread.

Detective Mike Logan:
You think she'll actually be safe?

Detective Megan Wheeler:
Maybe Harry was just trying to protect her.

Detective Mike Logan:
Maybe.

Captain Danny Ross:
Maybe she'll talk.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
Why? Because she's a woman? Same thing happened with Lil' Kim, she went to jail for perjury.

Detective Mike Logan:
So that's it, Fulla T lost his life over 'Who's the Man?'

Captain Danny Ross:
What are we supposed to do, not investigate because it's against the gangsta's code?

[last lines]

Dr. Declan Gage:
You're free now. Bobby. Yes. You're free.

Captain Danny Ross:
We know you've been under considerable stress. Your mother. Your brother. Your father...

Detective Robert Goren:
[furious] Your girlfriend tell you that?

Dr. Declan Gage:
She tried to seduce me, Bobby! [cackles]

Detective Robert Goren:
There's no therapy for diminishing capacity. You've blown out your frontal lobe. Too much formaldehyde, too many years of drug abuse.

Dr. Declan Gage:
"Diminishing capacity"? You wanna do the Wisconsin Card Test? The Stroop?

Dr. Declan Gage:
[about Goren] Genius can be very difficult to work with.

Dr. Declan Gage:
[to Goren] It's tough staying engaged when you're two steps ahead of everyone else in the room.

Detective Robert Goren:
Yeah, he may be crazy, but you're evil.

Detective Robert Goren:
You - you know, I - I find paranoid schizophrenics make excellent witnesses.

[last lines]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The tango just goes on.

Detective Robert Goren:
The twisted tango of brotherly love.

Detective Robert Goren:
That's not eccentricity; it's mental illness.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
From chess prodigy to paranoid prodigy. That's why I stuck with checkers.

[last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
See, that's what happens when you keep people from doing what they do best: It makes them insane.

Detective Robert Goren:
Wasn't your aunt "family"?

Fiona Devlin:
She didn't live with the family. She went to live outside, with them.

Detective Robert Goren:
You mean outsiders - like me?

[Fiona nods silently]

Detective Robert Goren:
Being an outsider is not such a hot thing.

Fiona Devlin:
They're suckers. Outsiders are suckers.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The whole idea's so primitive: An arranged marriage, in this day and age.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
[nodding] Yes. Especially in light of the stunning success people have in choosing their own mates... in this day and age.

[Nicole looking at Goren]

Nicole Wallace:
I missed you at the reading of the verdict. Then again, it wasn't one of your best moments.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Speaking of cradles, looks like you robbed one.

Detective Robert Goren:
You're uh, looking for her, huh? You worried that you didn't inoculate her thoroughly enough against our tricks?

Nicole Wallace:
She has a natural immunity to pathological liars.

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, uh, I've never seen you so agitated.

Nicole Wallace:
It must be all the pleasant memories this place brings back.

Nicole Wallace:
[Nicole is seated across from Eames and Goren] You're both so transparent. Punishing Ella to get at me.

Detective Robert Goren:
That's Nicole's maternal instinct, rearing its little head.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You can't deny those feelings, even if you can't have kids of your own.

Nicole Wallace:
Yes, thank you. Not all of us can be blessed like you, with eggs ripe and ready for hire.

[poking fun at Eames for having her sisters baby]

Nicole Wallace:
Tell me, did your sister let you keep the sonogram so you'd have something to cuddle up with at night?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[angrily] I see my nephew, three times a week. Being pregnant was - a great experience, Nicole. Consider yourself robbed.

Nicole Wallace:
Adopting Asian children is all the rage, Bobby, they're practically fashion accessories.

Detective Robert Goren:
I smell blood in the water.

[looking at Goren with exasperation]

Nicole Wallace:
Trespassing? Next thing you'll be handing out parking tickets.

Detective Mike Logan:
Beauty, brains, and a complete psycho. My dream girl.

Nicole Wallace:
I thought this was the land of second chances.

Detective Robert Goren:
There are no second chances for you, Nicole. Because wherever you go, people die.

Nicole Wallace:
[to Detective Robert Goren] Libraries have always been a refuge for me. All those books. Same for you?

Nicole Wallace:
[to her prospective step-daughter] Sometimes daddies can love too much. You wouldn't want that.

Nicole Wallace:
[to her fianc?] Why don't you make some popcorn, Daddy?

Detective Robert Goren:
A normal life is not for you, Nicole... Too much damage has been done.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
When I was a kid, I used to dream about living on a horse farm.

Detective Robert Goren:
That's a nice dream - for a horse.

Detective Robert Goren:
Maybe somebody else is pulling the reins.

Captain Danny Ross:
How'd things go with the shrink?

Detective Megan Wheeler:
I'm pregnant.

Captain Danny Ross:
That well?

Detective Megan Wheeler:
You're not crazy about that guy?

Detective Zach Nichols:
Actually, I... I hate him.

Captain Danny Ross:
We got the lab report on the steak knife in Hatcher's chest. Some of the blood on it was not Hatcher's.

Detective Zach Nichols:
Was it the cow's?

Captain Danny Ross:
No, human. So it would be nice to get a DNA sample from Archie Beuliss.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
We can't even get an interview.

Captain Danny Ross:
The shrink wouldn't help?

Detective Megan Wheeler:
Well, he gave Nichols a free diagnosis: issues with authority.

Captain Danny Ross:
Tell me about it.

Elaine Beuliss:
I talk to Ron and I told him everything will be okay about his money. Then the police came and I told them about me and Ron.

Dr. Ernst:
About the affair? About Ron's anger?

Elaine Beuliss:
Yes. But I don't know if they believed me about that, and I don't know if Ron believed me about the money. I-I meant everything that I said, I mea... - [Elaine's voice trembles] why doesn't anyone take me seriously? What is it about me?

Dr. Ernst:
Are you sure they didn't believe you, Elaine? You know, sometimes your self-esteem issues get in the way of your objectivity.

Elaine Beuliss:
[Elaine starts to cry a little] I don't know... They just, they all seemed so skeptical and they kept asking all these questions. Is it the way I talk? The plastic surgery? Why do I always end up feeling like such a fraud?

Dr. Ernst:
Hmm, I don't know, Elaine... But I think this is something we really need to work on. Hmm? [Dr. Ernst gives her a concerned look and smiles]... yea. [Elaine smiles back, takes a tissue and wipes a tear]

Detective Robert Goren:
Cat got your tongue?

[indicating one of several body parts in the anatomy lab]

Detective Robert Goren:
Because there's an extra one here.

Detective Robert Goren:
They're an interesting couple.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Yeah: The Killer and Mrs. Magoo.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[talking to Vicki Hale about her husband] He loves you to death. To nine deaths.

[Goren and Logan, dressed in similar dark suits, leave to interview a witness; Eames and Barak watch them go]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
There they go. Ocean's Two.

Detective Robert Goren:
[checking suspicious ink spills on a suspect's desk] I'm checking to see which ones are fresh.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
They must love you in the produce section.

Detective Robert Goren:
I am an acquired taste.

District Attorney Arthur Branch:
An arrest warrant for Judge Harold Garrett... Hot-tub Harry.

ADA Ron Carver:
The circumstantial evidence and the statement from his son.

District Attorney Arthur Branch:
Ah, This won't do...

[Tears the arrest warrant]

District Attorney Arthur Branch:
At all.

ADA Ron Carver:
Arthur?

District Attorney Arthur Branch:
Arresting a judge for murder on an election year... is not peanuts. If the District Attorney is going to arrest a sitting judge of the Supreme Court of New York.

[Signs the new arrest warrant]

District Attorney Arthur Branch:
The signature of the District Attorney damn well better be on that warrant. Arthur Branch, Esquire.

[Handles the arrest warrant to ADA Carver]

District Attorney Arthur Branch:
That would be worth two points on Election Day. It's not enough to do good... You gotta be seeing doing good.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Big day for little women.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The train's about to run out of gravy.

Detective Robert Goren:
The only medical condition you have is denial.

Detective Robert Goren:
Hey, Don Juan, you're under arrest.

Detective Robert Goren:
Come on, you're a small guy. What size shoe do you wear?

[throws his leg up on the table]

Detective Robert Goren:
I wear a 13.

[stands up and peers under the table]

Detective Robert Goren:
You look like a 9, or... what, like an 8?

Henry Talbott:
I'm an...

[waves his hands around]

Henry Talbott:
Oh, God, why am I even, I don't want to talk to you about this! Don't drag me into this!

Detective Robert Goren:
Ah! You've got small hands, too!

Detective Robert Goren:
Unless they're scenting the ocean with lavender, this woman was drowned in a bathtub.

Detective Robert Goren:
I have a theory about petite women, you want to hear it?

Henry Talbott:
Not particularly.

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers:
[about a murder victim] Muscular legs, a stomach like a trampoline, a butt you could crack walnuts with, and she had a perfect body wax. Except for, the exclamation point.

Detective Robert Goren:
Carl Jung believed that... rage is the... um... female side of our nature. Anima - an aggregate of all the women in our lives. Gives us strength. Makes us strong.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[looks under sheet, at murder victim's groin] So where is his - ?

Detective Robert Goren:
Killer might've taken it. Fetish.

Detective Robert Goren:
[looks out at beach, sea, and sky] Seagulls are always hungry.

Faith Yancy:
I'm not going to dignify that with a response.

Detective Robert Goren:
You just did.

Bartender:
They had white wine and bourbon. I never forget a drink.

Detective Robert Goren:
[referring to Eames] She likes wine, huh?

Bartender:
She was the bourbon.

Detective Robert Goren:
[poking around ADA Mulroney's office, delightedly] Is this a *closet*?

Harry Mulrooney:
[referring to his late wife] Adele, she was scary.

Detective Robert Goren:
[apparently tipsy, to ADA Mulrooney] You might as well be working in traffic court!

[Goren laughs uproariously]

Detective Robert Goren:
[looking in ADA Mulrooney's bedroom closet] It's like two different people live here.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
It won't be pleasant for me.

Detective Robert Goren:
Mm-mmm.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
It's about getting *him*, right?

Detective Robert Goren:
Mm-hmm.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
So what's the problem.

Kevin Mulrooney:
You're looking for a woman.

Detective Robert Goren:
We found a woman.

Detective Robert Goren:
She's a big girl. Confident. Struts her stuff.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Did you find out everything you wanted to know about me?

Detective Robert Goren:
Yeah, sure did. Bourbon, eh?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
In this neighborhood, the Neighborhood Watch watches the cops.

Captain James Deakins:
Well, it's nice to see kids studying the classics.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
And learning all the wrong lessons.

Jojo Rios:
Don't act as if you're going to live 10,000 years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it's in your power, be good.

Frankie Marino:
Everything has always been the same.

Detective Robert Goren:
How do you mean?

Frankie Marino:
You can't lose another life than the one you're living now, or live another one than the one you're losing.The longest life is the same as the shortest.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
What's he talking about?

Detective Robert Goren:
The longest life is the same as the shortest.I know this.

Frankie Marino:
Some things are rushing into existence.Others out of it.

Detective Robert Goren:
Did you read this, Frankie?

Frankie Marino:
Time is a river, a violent current of events, glimpsed...

Detective Robert Goren:
Glimpsed once, already carried past us and is gone. Yeah.That's Marcus Aurelius.The dictates of a warrior.

Detective Robert Goren:
[On the scene of Ross' murder, FBI agents are trying to stop Goren and Eames from seeing Ross' body] [Angrily] So he died covering for your little covert operation?

Agent Stahl:
Look no one regrets more than we do that...

Detective Robert Goren:
Oh come on, with the regrets! You can't keep us from him! We do what our boss tells us, and you're not our boss, our boss is over there. You're *not* gonna stop us!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[after Rodgers gives an update on what she found during Broidy's autopsy] Anything else?

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers:
He had a taco for lunch.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You think he's the money trail?

Detective Robert Goren:
I am going to try and find out.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I really feel I should try to talk you out of this.

Detective Robert Goren:
But that's always been a wasted effort.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Yeah, [pause] right.

Detective Robert Goren:
[pulling a new iPod from a teen athlete's pocket] You pay for that out of your paper route?

Coach Perry Powell:
[addressing Goren's partner, Detective G. Lynn Bishop] Does he always beat around the bush?

Detective Robert Goren:
I can be direct. You're divorced. You've got no kids. And basketball is pretty much it for you, Coach. You haven't won a championship in the past seven years. You might be hungry for a big win to cap your career. Hungry enough for you to get into business with Curtis Romney?

Coach Perry Powell:
I can be direct, too. I see a problem with authority figures. You defy them. You disrespect them. The truth is, you're intimidated by them. It's the mark of a boy with an indifferent father. His absence took the joy out of playing basketball.

[Powell dismissively turns his attention back to Detective Bishop]

Captain James Deakins:
You play ball in school?

Detective Robert Goren:
[after a pause] JV power forward. Gave it up.

Curtis Romney:
It's called grass-roots boosterism - giving the community a team they can be proud of.

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, I call it a long-term investment. You recruit the players. You touch their young lives with your "generosity." And then you leave a stain that they carry through their college or professional careers. A taint that you can threaten them with any time you need to shave some points.

Detective Robert Goren:
I know this guy. He's a lonely man, with a shot at happiness. He's gonna fight for it.

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
[looking at Coach's photographs] These must be his former players - and their kids. It's beginning to look a little like "Goodbye, Mister Chips" in here.

Detective Robert Goren:
[picks up a potted plant] At least Mister Chips had a wife... Cranberry seedling. With my dad, it was avocado pits in a glass of water... TV. He stands over the kitchen sink and he eats while he watches TV. I found the same arrangement when I cleaned out my dad's apartment.

Coach Perry Powell:
[bitterly] "Heads-up," huh? You really got the old man good, didn't you.

Detective Robert Goren:
Yeah, well, that's how I beat all my men on the court, Coach: head fake.

Detective Robert Goren:
When my father died - he had just enough money to, uh, cover his funeral. That shouldn't happen to you.

Coach Perry Powell:
Thanks for the heads-up.

Detective Robert Goren:
Picket-fence play, that's - that's a classic of teamwork.

Coach Perry Powell:
They all play the one-on-one game now.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Mrs. Watkins] Coach started paying more attention to Ben; you started paying more attention to Coach. You paid attention to him; Coach paid attention to Ben; Ben's stats kept improving. It's nice how that worked out, isn't it?

Detective Robert Goren:
A guy can only - spend so many nights eating over the kitchen sink. He can only look at so many pictures of his former players, with their wives and their kids - before he's gotta grab that brass ring for himself.

Detective Robert Goren:
Oh, listen to Coach. He's just moldin' that clay. Moldin' it until he gets what he wants out of it.

Detective Robert Goren:
See that? That's affect.

Detective Zach Nichols:
[looking at victim's keepsake photo, then sighing] Grace kept this on her pillow, like it was a dream - some place to get away from all this.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I heard you got away for a few years. You feeling some kind of kindred spirit?

Detective Zach Nichols:
Nah, I try to avoid transferrential relationships with dead people - it's always so one-sided.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
Sorry!

Detective Zach Nichols:
What for?

Detective Megan Wheeler:
I'm late.

Detective Zach Nichols:
That's understandable.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
What's that supposed to mean? Being pregnant not an excuse!

Detective Zach Nichols:
You're right, it's not understandable.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
[smelling a dead body in a trash dumpster] Bleach, he tried to clean her with bleach... excuse me. [steps beside the dumpster and throws up]

Detective Zach Nichols:
[to a female cop at the scene] It's... understandable.

ADA Ron Carver:
Is cross-dressing something people kill for these days?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I learn something new every day.

Detective Robert Goren:
[Goren pulls a necklace out of the victim's mouth] What do you think this means?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Robbery wasn't the motive?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
This is what happened, the rest of your pretty daughter got turned into pudding and washed down the sewer system.

[Goren climbs up on the pharmacy counter]

Cardenas:
Excuse me, that...

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Don't worry, he does this all the time.

Detective Robert Goren:
We did a little dumpster diving. It's pretty nasty.

Jamie Royce:
[referring to his late mother] She was a bit of a self-medicator.

Detective Robert Goren:
I know the type.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Buchanan about his secretary, Eric] Are you lovers?

Gordon Buchanan:
Give me a little credit. I don't - chase after secretaries.

Ashley Heaton:
[to Goren] You ask the weirdest questions.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You have no idea.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[viewing a body in two suitcases going to the airport] Maybe this beats traveling economy.

Detective Robert Goren:
Someone is passing off human plasma as synthetic.

Detective Robert Goren:
[about bad blood products] Doctor tell me something. When you decide to dump this stuff, what do you do? Flip a coin: heads Asia, tails Africa?

ADA Ron Carver:
What did you find out from the embassy in Bangkok?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
They have lovely fax cover sheets.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Bad news comes in all packages.

Mark Dietrich:
One thing I learned in prison, Mom, is not to kill the girls I have sex with.

Mark Dietrich:
What's the matter, Mom? I know you've been watching me. What is it?

Laura Dietrich:
[whispers, her head turned away] You're a... a malignant narcissist.

Mark Dietrich:
What did you say?

Detective Robert Goren:
Mark, he told us that there's three varieties of murder groupies: victims, psychos, and shrinks.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
He said with you he's got "three mints in one."

Chantal Fielding:
Oh! That loser!

Mark Dietrich:
[about his mother] Why would I want to kill her? I mean, why would I want to do that to myself?

Naomi:
It was an accident. Mark needs to feel powerful, but he doesn't need to kill.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
If only his mother had given him that kind of understanding.

Detective Robert Goren:
[about a "person of interest" in an investigation] He's just letting it all slide - even the things that matter to him. He's sinking into depression.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[holding up a will] Here's one thing he hasn't let slide.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
A suicide club - and Carmine didn't know he was a member.

Detective Nola Falacci:
[angrily] I expect perps and - and real estate agents to lie to me! Not ADA's!

Coach Bloom:
If you want to talk to any of my boys, call their lawyer.

Detective Mike Logan:
Telling 'em to lawyer up - what a way to build character.

Detective Mike Logan:
It's a question of finesse, Falacci.

Charlie Taylor:
[sees a race car wreck on TV; squeals] Woo-hoo! Look at that!

Detective Robert Goren:
You like car races?

Charlie Taylor:
Oh yeah! I got a *need* for *speed*! I'm, not that I break the law any more officer. I got plenty enough tickets to last me a life-time, but no DUI's. I don't drink. I got an allergy.

Detective Robert Goren:
Your job. Your always climbing around in those vents, that's dangerous, huh?

Charlie Taylor:
It's fun!

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Eames] Dangerous and fun.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[deadpan] Woo-hoo.

Detective Robert Goren:
Bad guys do what good guys dream.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
She got her hands on this, why she didn't run?

Detective Robert Goren:
It wasn't about that, it was about him.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Men come and go, but diamonds...

Detective Robert Goren:
Diamonds don't keep you warm at night.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Eames and Goren find a briefcase in a trashcan. Eames wants to call the bomb squad; Goren sees an ID on the briefcase and grabs it, which scares the hell out of Eames] It's good to be back.

Johnny DePalma:
[as they step out of a restaurant "for a smoke"] Come on. We're cutting out on the bill.

Margie Timmons:
You can't be serious.

Johnny DePalma:
As serious as cancer.

Detective Robert Goren:
[clutching Johnny DePalma against him] You held her close? Like this? So she could feel your "life-force" flowing into her?

[Goren kicks DePalma's chair across the interrogation room]

Detective Robert Goren:
But it wasn't life, was it? It was a dance of death.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[realizing DePalma faked a holdup] A starter's pistol, I would've shot him over a starter's pistol.

Johnny DePalma:
[about Goren] Probably got lost on a doughnut run.

Detective Robert Goren:
[enters interrogation room] I heard that.

Margie Timmons:
[at a dance class] I'm not very good at this.

Detective Robert Goren:
Just do what I do.

Margie Timmons:
Yeah, except backwards and in high heels.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The only money I ever got from my family was the 50 bucks my Dad gave me for my prom dress.

Detective Robert Goren:
Is that the same year you were selling apples in front of City Hall?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
It was matchsticks, and it was snowing.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Alex comes up to Bobby after separately interviewing] My witnesses did better than yours.

Colin Wilcox:
[after having been interviewed by the detectives] I don't like where this is going.

Riordan Grady:
What, that scared you, bro? Oh come on, homeboy. I thought you were the real deal.

Colin Wilcox:
[sighs nervously]

Riordan Grady:
I'm starting to think you're about as street as Jessica Simpson.

Colin Wilcox:
Oh yeah, what does that make you?

Riordan Grady:
I'm true to the game, bro.

Colin Wilcox:
Easy to say if your dad used to work for the justice department.

Colin Wilcox:
Be easy Jack. I got ya back.

Colin Wilcox:
[sarcastically] Yeah.

Riordan Grady:
[unfazed, after his driver gets into the car] Come on Harold, let's roll.

John Eckhardt:
[to Detectives Goren and Eames] I lost more in one day than you'll earn in a thousand years.

Eleanor Reynolds:
[reproachfully] Marla. This is not the trailer park.

Detective Robert Goren:
Eleanor takes quite an interest in Henry. A second mom, really.

Marla Reynolds:
[smiles] She's always there.

Janine:
Eleanor understands the complex algorithm of money, social standing, and fitting in.

Marla Reynolds:
[weeping] How can Eleanor love Henry and not love me?

Marla Reynolds:
[about her parents] They didn't like it here. It's too loud, too crowded.

[Last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
[muttering to himself] They had kids, too.

Detective Robert Goren:
As Leonard Palmeranski might say, "Why me?"

Detective Robert Goren:
[to DA Carver] Don't you have the grand jury eating out of your hand? I bet you could indict that clock.

Detective Ed Green:
Hey, does someone mind filling us in on what's going on here?

Detective Robert Goren:
Someone's got Anthrax. A whole lot of it.

Detective Lennie Briscoe:
Great. And exactly when are you going to share this with the rest of the world?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
That's up to the Comissioner's Office.

Detective Lennie Briscoe:
Great. Those Idiots.

Detective Robert Goren:
You put this in the mail.

Trudy Pomeranski:
No!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
We have you on film.

Detective Robert Goren:
It smells like almonds. I bet you know what else smells like almonds?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You're under arrest.

Trudy Pomeranski:
No! No! Oh no!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I don't want to hurt you.

[last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
Must be a family trait.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
What's that?

Detective Robert Goren:
No stomach for the truth.

Vic Bowman:
He said that there were two kinds of wives: show dogs and mutts.

William Hendry:
[to his wife] Jenny! Speak!

Detective Robert Goren:
[to William Hendry] Sit!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I love it when men say they babysit. When it's your own kids it's NOT babysitting, it's called being a dad.

Virginia Harrington:
[crying] My life... what happened to my life?

Barry Epstein:
Isabel and I haven't been romantic since Bastille Day.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Now there's a holiday that's tough on relationships.

Captain Danny Ross:
His father had allergies, so you think Ernest Foley may be good for a double family murder 18 years apart?

Detective Robert Goren:
Yeah, that's one-one one theory - has anybody ever told you you're reductive?

Captain Danny Ross:
My ex-wife.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
As a little girl I used to dream of living this way.

Detective Robert Goren:
It's musty in here, you can see the dead flies way up. Fake flowers. Hope you got over that.

Detective Robert Goren:
You know, actually, this home reeks of everything but concern.

Captain Danny Ross:
I know she's supposed to be in fragile health, but pay a call on Lady Harrington; find out if she's really signing these papers, or if they're robbing her grave before she's even in it.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Goren] I didn't know you had an older, geekier brother.

Detective Robert Goren:
We arrested his girlfriend.

Wally Stevens:
She probably has the money. Women like money.

Detective Robert Goren:
So do men.

Wally Stevens:
That's because women like men with money.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[referring to a dead body in latex] He died with his freak on.

Professor Larry Lewis:
This story of yours is - it's Kafkaesque.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
That would make you the bug, Larry. You know what I like to do to bugs? I like to watch my partner squash them.

Detective Robert Goren:
[Goren asks Chinese shop owner a question in Chinese]

Shop owner:
[in Chinese] You speak Chinese like my little dog!

Translator:
She said...

Detective Robert Goren:
[embarrassed] I know, I got it.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[amused] So did I.

Grace Slaughter:
That family runs on denial.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
Sacrifice one son... to gain control of the other.

Detective Robert Goren:
[the Chief wants Goren on a dangerous undercover job] Yeah, he's hoping I'll get myself killed.

Captain Danny Ross:
The thought occurred to me.

Captain Danny Ross:
[to Goren] Now you're being paranoid, Detective... Watch yourself out there.

Mike Stoat:
What are you gettin' for setting me up? Are you getting your shield back, hum? Is that your thirty pieces of silver, Bobby?

Mike Stoat:
[to Robert Goren] Twenty-seven arrests, twenty-seven convictions. I *also* remember you weren't too popular.

Captain Danny Ross:
Lock up all the career criminals and you start a turf war. The Law of Unintended Consequences.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Captain Danny Ross] Just get me back.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I remember you... You used to be Lois Cabrera.

Officer Lois Melago:
I shoulda stayed that way.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Get your feet off my partner's desk.

John Testarossa:
Kill or be killed.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Robert Goren] You're undercover, you don't tell me?

Captain Danny Ross:
Those were *my* orders - direct from the top...

[Eames shakes her head and walks away from Goren and Ross]

Detective Robert Goren:
I'm a cop. I'm allowed to lie to criminals.

Mike Stoat:
I haven't seen any innocent people in a long time.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[bitterly, to the newly reinstated Detective Goren] I get it. You're the genius; I just carry your water. Right?

Capt. Danny Ross:
You have a tendency to overreact.

Det. Mike Logan:
[yelling] I'M NOT OVERREACTING!

Det. Mike Logan:
You don't look like Harry Campbell.

Holly Lauren:
Are you friends with the landlord?

Det. Mike Logan:
I hate him.

Holly Lauren:
Then I'm Holly.

Det. Mike Logan:
I used to dream about Lennie, he was my old partner. And in the dream he'd always say to me, 'I'm not dead, Mike, I'm not dead', then I'd wake up, and he'd still be dead.

Holly Lauren:
Maybe not, if you dreamt about him.

Ava Reese:
[giving alibi for herself and her ex-boyfriend] I was with Ralph gettin' tats.

[Ava pulls up her blouse, revealing the name RALPH tattooed in enormous Gothic letters across her midriff]

Ava Reese:
Now I gotta get *this* removed.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
There's a receipt here from "Max's Kansas City."

Detective Mike Logan:
That used to be a happenin' place.

[Wheeler stares at Logan blankly]

Detective Mike Logan:
It's an expression.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
Groovy.

Detective Zach Nichols:
[Last lines]

Detective Zach Nichols:
That's why I never had kids. Empty vessels that Daddy fills with love, compassion, empathy... 'cause you get a - a me... or a him. Oops.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Detective Nichols] You're starting to remind me of someone.

Detective Zach Nichols:
[referring to past radical movements] Disaffected teenagers. They didn't know Karl Marx from Groucho, but they liked the action.

Brigitte Kaspers:
[throwing Axel Kaspers' words back at him] "A revolution is not a dinner party." You were teaching; I was listening.

Axel Kaspers:
I'm just an agent of change.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[about a book Kaspers bought for a child] "The Wretched of the Earth." Was the bookstore out of "Charlotte's Web"?

Axel Kaspers:
[earnestly] Do you know the book? Can anyone know that book without being moved to take pity - to take action?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Yeah, I never step on spiders any more.

Detective Zach Nichols:
"Pig's system is death. Murder must answer murder. We have started the revolution last night." It's not very good English.

Agent Carmen Martino:
It's not supposed to be an SAT exam.

Detective Zach Nichols:
It could be a native Spanish speaker or a German. Some language where the present perfect is the same as the simple past.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You're starting to remind me of someone.

Captain Danny Ross:
This one's taller.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Boobytrap?

Detective Zach Nichols:
Kidnap a banker, kill a cop...

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Did you just save our lives?

Detective Zach Nichols:
You can buy breakfast.

Agent Carmen Martino:
Shelley's address doesn't exist, her social security number is a phony. Did you get anything from her?

Detective Zach Nichols:
Yeah, our girl never wears lipstick, and she lives near a bar.

Agent Carmen Martino:
How many bars could there be in New York City?

Detective Zach Nichols:
Four million.

Captain Danny Ross:
...An improvised high explosive.

Detective Zach Nichols:
So unless this woman is planning to bleach her hair and remove her nail polish while she's cleaning bricks...

Agent Carmen Martino:
She's building one hell of a bomb.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Have you seen the Internet? They have a fan group on Facebook.

Captain Danny Ross:
Yeah, we're not joining it. NYPD / FBI just put out this statement.

Detective Zach Nichols:
[reading] "Despite the rhetoric, these are nothing but common criminals."

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Oh, the bad guys write sexier statements than we do.

Captain Danny Ross:
But we're not insane.

Detective Zach Nichols:
[continues reading] "There's no need to overreact. City and federal authorities have the situation well under control." If I were them, I'd want to prove this wrong.

Agent Carmen Martino:
We're taking all necessary safety precautions. What do you think we should be saying, detective?

Detective Zach Nichols:
That communism is dead and they're trying to replace a flawed system with a failed one.

Agent Carmen Martino:
You want to have a political science seminar?

Detective Zach Nichols:
[leaving an interrogation room] Bathroom break for me, not him.

Captain Danny Ross:
She blows things up but kept her teddy bear?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[reading a victim's text message] You're a lying b*tch, I pray to God you burn in hell.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Eames] Let's lie.

Detective Zach Nichols:
Looks like somebody stabbed him and stole his wallet.

Captain Danny Ross:
[about Nichols] Both of his parents were psychiatrists.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
Psychiatrists' kids are always crazy.

Captain Danny Ross:
He's not crazy... exactly.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
*God*, I'm glad I went to public school.

Detective Zach Nichols:
I'm just going to...

Detective Megan Wheeler:
Wander aimlessly?

Detective Zach Nichols:
[smiles] Keeps me from getting lost.

Detective Mike Logan:
[to Dr. Christine Ansel] Boy, you can really switch it off. Must be a doctor thing.

Detective Mike Logan:
[imagining a child's outlook] Not to mention, the only reason you're here is because your parents went back to the drawing board after your brother died. *That's* a race you can never win.

Detective Mike Logan:
[to Leo Ansel] Maybe if you hadn't treated her like a spare tire, she wouldn't be in this mess.

Detective Robert Goren:
You just sidestepped our question.

Dr. Katrina Pynchon:
[smiles] I thought it was more polite than saying, "It's none of your business."

Robbie Boatman:
[reciting to himself] Focus in. Trust my intellect. Admit to trivial things. Focus in...

Det. Nola Falacci:
Homicide Investigators' Master Class.

Detective Mike Logan:
I'll have to check that out some day [rolls his eyes] .

Captain Danny Ross:
[to Falacci] Detective, it's okay to have the thought; you don't always have to say it.

Det. Nola Falacci:
He was killed with a family photo-cube. Interesting metaphor.

Detective Mike Logan:
Is that a metaphor or a symbol, Falacci? Guess I'd have to take a Master Class to find out.

Detective Mike Logan:
This guy isn't interested in anything but his own reflection.

Tom Pittino:
I finally found what I'd been looking for, and it broke my heart.

Dr. Eli Rush:
I don't owe them anything. I gave them life.

[Last lines]

Detective Mike Logan:
What can you do? It's family.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
My only predicament here is deciding which tie to wear to your client's execution.

[last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
She wasn't driven to kill out of rage; she chose to kill out of love.

ADA Ron Carver:
Love?

Detective Robert Goren:
It's a many-splendored thing.

Detective Robert Goren:
[carefully slicing open his own palm with switchblade] Oh, look. I cut myself.

Detective Robert Goren:
[up-ends a soft drink can, from which a marijuana cigarette falls] You've got roaches.

Paige Aldwyn:
"Receding hairline"? That's every other editor in New York.

Lionel Shill:
[referring to Gareth Sage] A snake of a man.

Detective Robert Goren:
A snake? So he's an agent.

Captain Danny Ross:
He still drive a Jag?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
A new one every three years. Just like his harassment lawsuits.

Detective Robert Goren:
You're a fake. A hack...

Lionel Shill:
And you're being hyperbolic, detective.

Detective Robert Goren:
[shouting] I'm not done!

Paige Aldwyn:
He was... really black.

Detective Robert Goren:
"Really black"? You mean, obsidian?

Detective Robert Goren:
[waving one hand tauntingly in TJ Hawkins's face] Sorry about the flies, they're all over the place.

Gareth Sage:
The day they let agents choose who's gonna review the books is the day even *I* think the business is too sleazy.

Detective Robert Goren:
He stole her voice and her life.

Nelda Carlson:
Robert, don't you care for me at all? You do. I saw it.

Detective Robert Goren:
I didn't mean for you to see it.

Detective Robert Goren:
Nobody's reasonable when they're in love. That's the whole point of it.

Judge Raoul Sabatelli:
[after realising he has incriminated himself] You trapped me! I thought I could trust you, Ron!

ADA Ron Carver:
I thought I could trust *you*... Judge.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[hearing a description of a suspect] Well, that fits our profile.

[Bobby stops and stares at her]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I only pretend not to listen to you.

Detective Mike Logan:
The scum that did this - if I can't get him off the street, just give me the gold watch.

Detective Mike Logan:
[to the mother of a fugitive teenager] Once he's in the system, he's gone. Now you go home, and you think about that.

Captain Danny Ross:
Please don't tell me that someone shot three innocent kids just for the hell of it.

Detective Mike Logan:
Your little brother? The guys at Rikers are going to be very happy to see him.

Detective Mike Logan:
[to a murder suspect] We all laughed.

George Merritt:
[about the sex-club scene] It was harmless fun.

Detective Robert Goren:
[parroting a suspect] "Pret-ty girls."

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
[referring to the Barneses] This family makes me want to go home and kiss my wife.

Detective Robert Goren:
Looks like you might have done it, huh? Sent Dad to jail?

Camilla Barnes:
I don't want that.

Detective Robert Goren:
For once you snatched victory from the jaws of your mother. You showed your parents just how smart you really are.

Camilla Barnes:
They know. They raised me.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Raised you? Wolves would have done a better job.

[last lines]

Mrs. Kenderson:
Hope is for *suckers*, detective.

Kelly Sloane-Raines:
No one wants to hear you're happy.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[seeing that Goren has covered two boards with random letters] I totally forgot I need an eye exam.

Detective Robert Goren:
He was Nicole's boyfriend. He taught her how to kill... He's the "School of Murder".

Marcel Costas:
Those hicks should be dead.

Captain James Deakins:
What are we talking about, some kind of Manson family?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
If the Manson family shopped on Madison Avenue.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Old jealousies never die.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Bernard Fremont] I guess I ask myself how Nicole would have turned out if she hadn't run into you.

Bernard Fremont:
Empty carcasses, devoid of dreams and ambitions.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[referring to Bernard Fremont] What is it that women see in him?

Detective Robert Goren:
The door to another world.

[Last lines]

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
He showed her the door to another world, and she repaid the favor.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Inquiring about Bernard's relationship to Nicole Wallace] Have you heard from her lately?

Bernard Fremont:
Nicole is a fugitive, thanks to you two. And, no, she'd never put me in that kind of danger. She's very protective.

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, you'd be very proud of your star pupil.

Bernard Fremont:
I can't take the credit. She's a natural.

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, she's very adept at poisons. Is that something that you taught her?

Bernard Fremont:
I'll take a pass on that.

Hilary Marsden:
[about Nicole Wallace and Bernard Fremont] She's his creation. He thinks she's perfect, poor Bernard.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Poor Bernard.

Detective Robert Goren:
I've never seen a robbery like this. I think they actually stole the toilet.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
They stole everything but the light bulbs.

Detective Robert Goren:
He looked like he already knew our names.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Don't flatter yourself.

Bing Schorr:
What good is having a friend at the FDA if the friend is an idiot?

Detective Robert Goren:
[to deranged, knife-wielding woman] I lost my mom. I lost my mother recently. Can I get a glass of water from you?

Detective Robert Goren:
He told you that people could die, and you saw it as a career opportunity.

Marty Palin:
[to Detective Goren] You've done good work here, but now the ball is in our wheelhouse.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
What is that?

Detective Robert Goren:
Fish scale.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Great, she was attacked by a shark.

Detective Robert Goren:
Sharks don't have scales.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[rolls eyes]

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers:
The gonorrhea of all three boys had the same DNA.

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
Could they have gotten from each other?

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers:
No, it's doubtful. Autopsies showed no rectal or oral infection.

Detective Robert Goren:
Well, they got it from the same girl.

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers:
Unless toilet seats and doorknobs are making a comeback.

Detective Robert Goren:
Oh, look, look! Bing! Reality!

Detective Robert Goren:
We've got the smoking gun.

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
The smoking *caulking* gun with cake frosting.

Detective Robert Goren:
A perfect fit.

Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
So were Bonnie and Clyde, they killed 10 people, these two are already up to 9.

Detective Robert Goren:
Do you know who Tamara's boyfriend is?

Agnes Bates:
Who says she has a boyfriend?

Detective Robert Goren:
Uh... [picks up men's boxers off Tamara's bed] These?

Detective Robert Goren:
Recognize this woman, Tamara Bates? She's a counter.

Detective Alvarez:
No, but they go through a lot of girls.

Detective Robert Goren:
[looking at the two female counters who were shot in the head] Yeah, and we know how.

Detective Mike Logan:
Oh, the Patriot Act. Yeah, well, I read that in its original title, "1984".

[Det. Logan wants in on a case]

Captain James Deakins:
As you said, we're Major Case. Let me discuss it with my detectives.

Detective Mike Logan:
No problem. Maybe I'll have some of your Major coffee.

Chocolate Jimmy:
Kenna, yeah. I remember him. Sure.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You had a dust-up with him for wearing double clothes.

Chocolate Jimmy:
He had me strip down to my kimono, so all the people in the galleries could see.

Chocolate Jimmy's Mom:
You probably liked that.

Chocolate Jimmy:
Shut up, Ma, they're talkin' to me!

Detective Robert Goren:
Is your mom right, Jimmy? Or- or did you feel humiliated?

Chocolate Jimmy:
I'm no Anna Nicole. I don't like bein' made a spectacle.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Then you'll be happy to know Guard Kenna was stabbed to death in his building two days ago.

Detective Robert Goren:
Do you know anything about that, Jimmy?

Chocolate Jimmy's Mom:
He doesn't know anything. He just sits around eating biscuits. "Get a hobby," I tell him.

Chocolate Jimmy:
I know things, Ma!

Chocolate Jimmy's Mom:
Ungrateful, biscuit-eating son of a b*tch!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[walking into the conference room and finding Goren sitting on the floor, surrounded by neat rows and columns of open case files] I didn't know you could play Twister by yourself!

Detective Mike Logan:
Oh, the Patriot Act. Yeah, well I read that under its original title, "1984."

Detective Robert Goren:
No, no, no! I know that anger! I should have seen it coming.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You'd think Trump's secretary would use spell check.

Detective Robert Goren:
You have one chance to take your chestnuts out of the fire.

ADA Ron Carver:
[Goren bet Carver 10-1 that a murderer will call him back] 10-1?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I've taken him on before, Mr. Carver. I'm down eighteen bucks.

Kevin Donovan:
You're way too hot to be a cop.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
You're way too smart to think I'm gonna fall for that.

A.D.A. Ron Carver:
[Scolding Det. Goren for withholding information] Detective... If you try and run one by me like that again, I'll have your badge.

Captain James Deakins:
Great, the Goren Show's back in town.

Detective Robert Goren:
[laughing, to Detective Eames] She stole our stapler. Maureen stole our stapler! *That's* why she has all those knick-knacks. Interesting, huh?

Trevor Lipton:
[to Detective Goren] My, my - a human polygraph.

Judge:
It's the 4th Amendment, Detective, not the 3 2/3 Amendment.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The woman has boyfriends coming out of her ears!

Detective Robert Goren:
She's like a little puppy in your hands, pissing all over herself with excitement.

Dr. Peter Kelmer:
If I was on the jury, *I'd* convict me!

[last lines]

Detective Carolyn Barek:
Faith trumps science, once again.

Detective Mike Logan:
Nothing that a little calamine lotion can't fix.

Detective Mike Logan:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you go to jail.

Detective Mike Logan:
Here's a little police magic. Shazam! You're under arrest.

Forensics Tech:
Well I analyzed the saliva on the mugs. This one had traces of animal fat, mustard...

Detective Robert Goren:
Uh, no. Not that one. I had pastrami for lunch.

Forensics Tech:
Ahhh... that explains the antacid.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I tried Proust in college; I gave up after the first million pages.

Detective Robert Goren:
It picks up after the second million pages.

Detective Zach Nichols:
How does the 'net always find out everything before we do?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Give it up, garbage boy!

Detective Robert Goren:
I could get someone in so deep, even I couldn't find them.

Detective Robert Goren:
That's not going along, Larry, that's stickin' it to ya!

Detective Robert Goren:
Boo! Made ya look!

Ethan Edwards:
I was sent by God.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
So were we.

[last lines]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
God's will.

Detective Robert Goren:
Let's hope so.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Goren] Go ahead, impress me.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The more I know, the less I sleep.

Ethan Edwards:
My allegiance is to God - to Allah.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Ethan Edwards] You went searching for God. How did you end up looking for targets?

Ethan Edwards:
[to Goren and Eames] Nine-eleven was a terrible lesson that no one learned.

Janey Woods:
[to Goren and Eames] If you're trying to freak me out, it's working.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Ethan Edwards] You had more than doubts. You knew you were lost.

[after viewing their dead suspect who is a fashion photographer]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
As murders go, it's pretty flashy.

Detective Robert Goren:
He killed these girls and took their pictures.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Can hold their poses for hours and never complain, the perfect models.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I hope this isn't his wish list. [sorts through sketches of women] He's got 3 blondes with long hair, 2 with short hair, 4 brunettes, and 3 gray haired ladies.

Detective Robert Goren:
What did you do to him, Doris?

Doris Mitchell:
I played bad nurse with him. Tied him to Grandma's smelly bed, put on my ma's nurse cap and beat the crap out of him. But like ma said, he could take it. Hey listen, I gotta get back to work, you see Spence around you tell him hi for me.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[unenthusiastically] We will.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[dryly] You like your little brother, we can tell.

Doris Mitchell:
[in prison for manslaughter] Yeah he wasn't like the rest of us, could actually hold down a steady job, or talk to strangers without getting into a fight.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
One fake miracle, two real deaths.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[a witness is a homeless woman who has named herself God] Put God together with the sketch artist.

Detective Robert Goren:
Kill one, scare a thousand.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
From locks to lock and load.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Goren puts a small object in an evidence bag] Suspicious dustballs?

Detective Robert Goren:
[Eames asks what he thinks about abortion] I'll tell you what I think when I get pregnant.

Detective Robert Goren:
Life is full of uncertainty. People need to have options. Abortion has got to be one of those options.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Promise me a margarita when this is all over.

Cutler's Attorney:
[referring to Griscom] He's invoking his right to be silent.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Well, he doesn't have the right to be deaf, so he'll have to listen to what we have to say.

Captain James Deakins:
This guy has a death-wish, and he's going to take somebody down with him.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
We can always hope he gets the order mixed up and shoots himself first.

Detective Robert Goren:
[while observing a suspect in the interrogation room] She rages on, inspite of all the evidence against her.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
She could confess, but where's the fun in that?

Detective Robert Goren:
When was the last time you went on a treasure hunt?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
How 'bout never.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Most guys freak out if their exes send them even a Christmas card.

District Attorney Ron Carver:
If only he had gone blank on that street corner.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[scratches head] Oh, but then they wouldn't get to be celebrity perps.

Captain James Deakins:
Mrs. Jarrett, if we knew this boy's name, we could pluck him out of your daughter's life like a bad tooth.

Michael Pike:
I lost my fianc?e.

Detective Robert Goren:
But you got a new agent and a lot of auditions.

[repeated line]

Michael Pike:
Us against the world. U-A-W.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[watching Pike grieving on TV] Nothing like watching a crocodile shed tears.

Detective Robert Goren:
Your acting coach told us how you're obsessed with James Dean, you try to move like him, you try to talk like him, you even... is it true you have your own Sal Mineo waiting for you at home?

Johnny Santos:
You son of a b*tch!

Detective Robert Goren:
If you want to smoke that cigarette, go ahead, don't mind us.

Johnny Santos:
[takes it from behind his ear] Uh, no, I don't smoke.

Detective Robert Goren:
[noticing] The filter's pinched.

Johnny Santos:
It's for a character I'm working on.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Eames] Another actor.

Captain Danny Ross:
Good job, detectives. Now, if you can just have your paperwork ready...

Detective Robert Goren:
[walking out of office] Save it, I'm leaving. You want to fire me, fire me. I don't care.

Detective Mike Logan:
What, you're going?

Detective Carolyn Barek:
Well, yeah. Sleep, remember?

Detective Mike Logan:
You live all the way in Brooklyn. My place is right down the street.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
[gives him a wary look]

Detective Mike Logan:
I'll take the couch. [smirks]

Detective Carolyn Barek:
I don't believe you got a [searches for appropriate word] couch that big.

Detective Mike Logan:
Yeah, maybe not.

Detective Robert Goren:
Peas.

ADA Ron Carver:
[about a suspect's juvenile records] I can't help you unseal them. All you have is peas and corn kernels; you're a few lima beans short of succotash, detectives.

Detective Robert Goren:
Who's the worst pro bono lawyer you know?

Captain Zoe Callas:
Lousy time for magazines.

Detective Zach Nichols:
My father read Inset. I remember this picture, of Ursula Andress. She had this brassiere that shot bullets.

Detective Serena Stevens:
Your father read it.

Detective Zach Nichols:
It was uh, shared. We fought over the crossword puzzles.

Detective Zach Nichols:
This YouTube essay by Mia, a very distinctive voice.

Detective Serena Stevens:
She's developing quite a fan base.

Detective Zach Nichols:
No, Connor's praise was well deserved.

Detective Serena Stevens:
Not just the kinder, gentler, treatment of a young journalism intern. Who might be very attractive?

Detective Zach Nichols:
Really, you think so?

Detective Serena Stevens:
Well, it's obvious you think her mother Patricia is a bit of a knockout.

Detective Zach Nichols:
Was I that obvious?

Detective Serena Stevens:
So if Mia's looks were in the genes, along with a superior talent...

Detective Zach Nichols:
You have a wicked imagination, I like that in a partner.

Detective Serena Stevens:
You're a stickler for behavioural theory. Listen to this: [Reading out loud] These individuals can have a grandiose view of themselves and demand excessive admiration. They manoeuvre well in difficult situations, their self-esteem is fragile. Any threat to their self-image, might agitate or even enrage them.

Detective Zach Nichols:
That's right out of a psych text book. You have Narcissistic Disorder, that's psycho-pathology that fits our Patricia to a t.

Detective Serena Stevens:
Or a sign of the Zodiac. She's a Scorpio.

Detective Zach Nichols:
Yeah. Well, you know my father would kill me for saying this, but uh. Equally valid.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[encountering an unexpected presence] Juliet!... And her Romeo.

Detective Robert Goren:
[talking to Dr. Geisen] A man of my age... single a long time... with all of my problems...

Detective Robert Goren:
[referring to Alex Eames] She's like a sister to me.

Detective Mike Logan:
Didn't take you for a biker chick.

Detective Megan Wheeler:
In high school I worked at a pizzeria across from a motorcycle garage, the mechanics would trade rides for slices.

Detective Mike Logan:
Working in high school? So mom and dad decided to teach you the value of money?

Detective Megan Wheeler:
More like Dad disappeared and Mom waited tables at a diner down the block.

Detective Mike Logan:
I never had a partner with freckles before.

Captain Danny Ross:
3 years undercover: drugs, vice, white collar. Nobody ever made her.

Detective Mike Logan:
I'll believe it.

Inmates:
[Detective Megan Wheeler and Danielle McCaskin walk into the jail. Detective Mike Logan is already waiting there for them] Inmates start to whistle and catcall.

Danielle McCaskin:
No way can Keith spend one minute in here [the municipal jail] .

Detective Mike Logan:
Oh, we're holding Keith at the station house now, but as soon as he gets arraigned he's gonna end up here.

Danielle McCaskin:
No he won't! He's legally a juvenile!

Detective Mike Logan:
Not after a few nights here he's not.

Detective Mark Virgini:
You stepped between me and my family.

Detective Mike Logan:
Which family was that?

Ben Laurette:
I don't need pictures of Sarah to remind me I'm married.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Well, if he wanted to get inside Laurette's head, he needed more blondes in his life.

Meredith Breen:
I guess strangers with badges aren't exactly strangers.

Detective Robert Goren:
She was the tail wagging the dog.

[last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
Buildings may crumble, but infamy's forever.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
He gave me a big hug. He said it was a great thing I was doing for my sister, and he said when the time comes, he'll hook you up with a temporary partner.

Detective Robert Goren:
Oh no. I didn't even think of that. Well, what'd you say?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I pitied the fool.

Detective Robert Goren:
You must love dancing. You're just so - so light on your feet.

Marion Whitney:
I'm a student of the dance.

[Marion exits the room]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Dance of the Merry Widow.

Delia Carter:
Oh, yes. "Bound for Broadway"... Our seniors enjoy it. Of course, it helps that they're a little hard of hearing.

Esther Gruenwald:
[referring to her son] He thinks they care about him. They don't care. How could they? I mean, he sweats; that thing with his face...

Harvey Gruenwald:
[smiling fixedly into the bathroom mirror] Thank you so much for coming... Thank you...

Esther Gruenwald:
[pounding on bathroom door] Harvey! What are you doing in there?

Harvey Gruenwald:
Ma! I'm busy!

Marion Whitney:
[onstage, rehearsing soliloquy as Lady Macbeth] "Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here and fill me - "

[Offstage, Marion's acting coach Lawrence Bradley stifles a yawn]

Marion Whitney:
" - from the crown to the toe..." Harvey? Harvey! Who's going to be in the front row?

Detective Robert Goren:
Do you have a lot of students in their sixties? Fifties? Forties?

Lawrence Bradley:
No.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
I'm guessing twenty-five is the cutoff for actresses. Twenty-six if they're pretty.

Lawrence Bradley:
You have no idea.

Detective Robert Goren:
[admiringly, as Esther blocks her apartment entrance] You are *tough,* Mrs. Gruenwald. 'Cause normally, Detective Eames and I - we'd be in the living room by now.

Esther Gruenwald:
[to her son] You go ahead, have your picture taken with them all you want. That doesn't mean they respect you.

Detective Robert Goren:
You see, Harvey, you need the approval of one special person; but Marion here, well, she wants - you know, the whole *world* to love her.

Marion Whitney:
This can't be happening to me.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Sorry, it looks like you forgot your ruby slippers.

Harvey Gruenwald:
[Talking about Marion Whitney] Oh, ma. I thought you'd like her.

Esther Gruenwald:
Why? Are you getting married?

Manos:
[to an incognito Detective Goren] All right, Brady... Back to Heaven.

Captain Danny Ross:
[to Warden Pellis] This detective is very important to NYPD.

Detective Robert Goren:
I was willing to take the investigation to the end of the line.

Frank Goren:
[to his brother] Just take Eames to a motel and get it out of your system.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to a panhandler] Excuse me, sir. I have twenty dollars. I could use a brick like that.

Detective Robert Goren:
Frank is not in program. Frank *talks* program.

Captain Danny Ross:
The New York State village justice system. "Amateur Hour."

Captain Danny Ross:
I know you're worried about your nephew's safety and mental health. I'm worried about yours.

Detective Robert Goren:
I'm fine. How are you?

Detective Robert Goren:
[to prison doctor] If I take those pills, you'll put batteries in me.

Donny Carlson:
My mom said I had a problem with authority figures.

Detective Robert Goren:
My mom said the same thing about me, it doesn't mean you're crazy.

Donny Carlson:
To me, the really crazy people are the ones who watch reality TV, hook up with people they meet online... but that's everybody, isn't it?

[last lines]

Detective Robert Goren:
This search for the truth, it's... it's not for the faint-hearted.

Detective Robert Goren:
[about Lester Summerhill's photo gallery] Half-naked women and animal carnage. It suggests violence against women without actually showing it.

Dean Holiday:
You ask any true magician: There is always a trick.

Jacob Green:
[about Miles Stone and his act] He called it "the new magic."

Carmine:
[to a small, lackadaisical audience] Thank you, thank you. You all come in the same cab?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
How'd you find her, craigslist?

Carmine:
Who's Craig?

Detective Robert Goren:
It's the classic misdirect, right?

Detective Robert Goren:
We saw your show and... Well, you were phoning it in.

Dean Holiday:
What about you, detective? Lost a step or two over the years, or still think you can pull off the big solve?

Dean Holiday:
[pretending to read Eames's mind] I think there are... some unresolved issues... with a man in your life. Some... *trust* issues.

Detective Robert Goren:
[to Dean Holiday] You leave your eyes open when you do a read. That's your tell.

Detective Robert Goren:
You need to take him down; there's only one way.

[Last lines]

Dean Holiday:
I'm glad some people still know the meaning of respect.

Detective Robert Goren:
[consoling a victimized woman] You're not stupid to have faith.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
The fancier the building, the bigger the vermin in the walls.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
Just what we need, an addiction driven economy.

Detective Mike Logan:
It's better than no economy.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
He's lobbying for a casino *and* against it.

Detective Mike Logan:
He's playing the cowboys *and* the Indians.

Detective Mike Logan:
It's rainin' hookers.

Detective Mike Logan:
Sleep all day; work all night. Aren't you afraid you're missing out?

Duane Winslow:
On what.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
[standing close to suspect, sotto voce] It occurs to me, Duane: Maybe you're one of those guys, nothin' gets you hot... You lack anatomy, Duane?

Scott Stroll:
[hacking into suspect's laptop] He's encrypted his animation files. I'm betting it's some pretty sick stuff.

Detective Carolyn Barek:
Don't worry; I'll cover your eyes when we play it.

[Last lines]

Detective Mike Logan:
[to Detective Barek] If you ever wondered why I don't have kids... now you know.

Captain Danny Ross:
Cyber-Rashoman.

Detective Robert Goren:
[about Victoria Carson's "wrongful life" lawsuit] Maybe Lisa didn't think there was anything wrong with her life.

Victoria Carson:
[to her son] We are not going to live in this dump forever.

Lisa Ramsey:
Sometimes people act like I don't exist.

Victoria Carson:
[to her son] All of your life you have been nothing but a burden. You and your sister - millstones around my neck!

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Too strange for the chess club? That must be some kind of record.

[Eames, while examining a recently discovered, 20 year old partly decomposed corpse, realizes the victim was wearing a very rare mini skirt]

Detective Robert Goren:
You wore one of those?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Looked good in it, too.

Rick Morrissey:
We got a problem, Jay.

Jay Lippman:
Sorry, I don't know you. Okay? That's the way it's going to stay.

Rick Morrissey:
Jay, we have to dig it up.

Maureen:
[fondling her fur coat] All right, Ricky was here. He bought this for me.

Detective Robert Goren:
How'd you get him to do that? Did you get him drunk?

[There is a long pause]

Detective Robert Goren:
Is that what you did?

[Maureen stares impassively at Goren]

Detective Robert Goren:
You got him drunk, and you took all his money.

Maureen:
[defiantly] He owed me.

Kathy McLellan:
Back then, chess was life. My brother had Frazier-Ali, I had Fischer-Spassky.

Detective Robert Goren:
I like how you made me do that. Made me cross the room, by keeping your voice down.

Jay Lippman:
[smiling] It wasn't deliberate.

Detective Robert Goren:
Come on. It's the classic "Sicilian gambit." To get me to the door. We're done anyway. Thank you for seeing us.

[Goren and Eames halt in the door frame]

Detective Robert Goren:
Oh, by the way...

Detective Robert Goren:
If you want to tell your husband we were here, by all means, we have no secrets from him. The more he knows, the better it is.

Dr. Scott Borman:
You do know, of course, that "zoonotic" doesn't mean that the viruses came from the zoo.

Detective Robert Goren:
It doesn't? Well, my partner was telling me that, but it doesn't make sense to me, because there's the word "zoo"...

Dr. Scott Borman:
[Leers at Eames] Guys... we never listen.

Detective Robert Goren:
[Moves to stand between half-naked Borman and Eames] You conducted seminars for 'Special Friends of the Zoo'.

Dr. Scott Borman:
Well the directors think I'm a good ambassador, for the zoo.

Dr. Scott Borman:
[Spits]

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Disgusted] Because you have so much in common with your animals?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Goren and Eames looking through the filthy, cluttered apartment of murdered cop, Billy 'Buzz' Davis] How come all divorced cops have the same decorator?

Detective Robert Goren:
[Talking about three-somes with Scott, Roger, and dates] Scott told us that your girlfriends had the time of their life with him.

Dr. Roger Stern:
What are you talking about? They were debased, humiliated. I turned them into the corn cob in the pig sty, with that rutting hog on top of them. They'd look at me... wanting me to call him off!

Dr. Scott Borman:
[stripping off clothes in operating area] We're all mammals in here... Right, ladies?

Nurse:
Whatever you say, doctor.

Megan Colby:
I started crying, and he... got this... this... little smile. He saw me crying and he smiled.

Dr. Scott Borman:
We, uh, classify viruses with what we call the Baltimore System.

Detective Robert Goren:
[mutters] Now I'm lost. You lost me again.

Dr. Scott Borman:
[dismissively] It doesn't matter.

Dr. Scott Borman:
I'm no pig. Women crave me.

Dr. Scott Borman:
[about his sexual encounters] Well, they weren't singing the blues when *I* was plowing the field.

Dr. Roger Stern:
[to Goren and Eames, in the interrogation room] And I see my lawyer's here. Our threesome's over.

Detective Robert Goren:
How many 8 year old girls do you know that love sports cars?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Besides me?

Detective Alexandra Eames:
Typhoid Roger, after you dump him, you get sick.

Detective Robert Goren:
Blackmail him and you get killed.

Detective Alexandra Eames:
[about Dr. Scott Borman] I think his speedo's too tight, it's cutting off the blood to his brain.