Malcolm in the Middle

opening theme song:
Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. Life is unfair...

Dewey:
[excited] Hey, guys. I was digging around in the garage, and I found the spare key to Dad's car.

Malcolm:
Do you know what this means?

Reese:
[ecstatic] We can key stuff!

Malcolm:
No, we have mobility. We can drive over to the next city.

Reese:
And key stuff there!

Malcolm:
And key stuff there, and cherry-bomb stuff there - Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want. And if we get caught, they'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime!

Dewey:
I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.

Reese:
[incredulous] Arcade? What are you, twelve?

Dewey:
[as if it should be obvious] Yeah.

Lois:
Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

Reese:
[Reese thinks his Army buddy is hot for him] You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.

Malcolm:
Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.

Reese:
It's just wrong. She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had. But in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.

Malcolm:
Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.

Reese:
It's hard to say. Now when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.

Malcolm:
That's love, dude.

Reese:
Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

Grandma Ida:
[knocking on the front door] Are you going to open the door, or should I lie down in the grass and feed the worms?

Francis:
Oh, great. Who opened the gates of hell?

Lois:
Mother, we can't afford to put you up here.

Grandma Ida:
You can afford a maid.

Piama:
I'm not the maid, Ida. My name is Piama. I'm married to Francis.

Grandma Ida:
[to Lois] Tell the help not to talk to me.

Lois:
Hal, why don't you take the boys out tomorrow and do something fun? I could use the time alone, anyway, to straighten up the house before the baby comes.

Piama:
I can help you clean.

Lois:
[trying to disguise her resentment of Piama] Well, that'll take a little longer, but I guess I could use the company.

Hal:
Hey, there's a car show at the convention center.

Malcolm:
Yeah, let's spend the whole day looking at cool things that we'll never get to own.

Lois:
Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we'd ever see is crap.

Reese:
I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on Earth.

Hal:
Keys. Where the hell are the keys?

Reese:
[Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go.

Grandma Ida:
[at dinner] Pass the rolls.

Grandma Ida:
[Francis takes a piece of bread, rolls it up and licks it, and hands it to Ida to show his disrespect] You think that bothers me?

Grandma Ida:
[she pops the piece of bread in her mouth] Guess why your soup tasted different when you came back from bathroom.

[Francis has just delivered Jamie]

Lois:
You can go vomit now.

[the paramedics show up]

Paramedic Dave:
I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.

Francis:
There has to be some way to get rid of her.

Piama:
All we know is she doesn't burn.

Reese:
I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things?

Malcolm:
Reese, that's what they're for.

Reese:
My God. Women are the cows of people.

Reese:
I'd say half of all our Legos have been through this kid.

Dewey:
Probably more.

Lois:
Francis, you can do this. Just stick your hands inside mommy and pull the baby out!

Lois:
[finds out what her boys are doing] Oh my God!

Dewey:
Did you hear that?

Lois:
What are you boys doing up there?

Malcolm:
It's Mom!

Dewey:
How did she know where to find us?

Reese:
I told you, she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't have been in this mess!

Dewey:
Maybe she didn't see us.

Lois:
Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant.

Reese:
[bad Spanish accent] Miss, I don't know what you are talking about. Your boys are different boys than our being.

[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]

Reese:
[afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?

Malcolm:
[scared] It's a billboard!

Dewey:
[terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us.

Lois:
Come down, now!

Malcolm:
Reese, give me your pocket knife.

Reese:
Ok, but if you miss her you'll only make her madder.

[talking about Lois]

Hal:
If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.

Julie:
Our society is just so screwed up, y'know?. Thirty years ago, you could just at least pick something and go with it: housewife, a career woman, sex slave... but now, you're supposed to do everything, and *it's impossible*.

Otto:
How far do you think we've gone?

Hal:
Well, judging by that rock formation over there, about twelve feet.

Dewey:
I kind of feel like I'm floating.

Gretchen:
Vell, zat's probably ze ammonia.

Francis:
[having lit a huge firecracker] Did it say when our vision would come back?

Reese:
Box said two days.

Francis:
Totally worth it.

Malcolm:
I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom.

Francis:
Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right.

Reese:
You take that back.

Piama:
[indicating note from boys] I'm afraid it starts off a little antagonistic.

Francis:
[reading] Is that last word 'lick' or 'wipe?'

Piama:
I think you're safe either way.

Francis:
Okay, and now you're smiling, which means in about two seconds I'm going to look like a jackass.

Ida:
In our country, after the boy turns sixteen, he becomes a "baroche". We watch this boy for one year. When he is ready, he is plucked from his mother's teat and thrown into the town square where he must battle with the other boys for dominance.

Malcolm:
Wait, up until this point they're still breastfeeding?

Ida:
[quietly] It keeps families close.

Ida:
[resuming her dramatic narrative] The boys fight each other with all their might. When it is over, the one left standing is the man. The rest are "dronska". Then more breasts are offered to the proud, young man. But these are not the withered spigots of the mother. No, these are the ripe, inviting, pleasure-domes of the virgins of the village, presented dripping with wine.

Reese:
[ecstatically] Our family comes from the coolest country in the *world!*

Ida:
[Ida's old-country tradition is not fulfilled, so Reese does not get to marry Ida's young maid] Pack up my things, cow. We leave in five minutes.

Reese:
No, wait, don't go. I got two out of three. There must be some way I can marry Raduca.

Ida:
It is impossible. You are not a man. The most you could ever hope to be now is a very butch woman.

[Dewey promises to help one of his disabled classmates]

Penelope:
Dewey, I need your help after school.

Dewey:
I'm already helping Hanson.

Penelope:
But I need you. The sidewalks told me they wouldn't let me walk home anymore.

[Mr. Flerch is retreiving lanyards from the class]

Mr. Flerch:
Everyone turn in your assignmnets.

Chad:
I have to take this one home with me. It doesn't believe I have a cat.

[Dewey's classmates sneak into school]

Chad:
This is my favorite time of the day. The sun is about to come up, and my mean voice is still asleep.

Penelope:
I hate walking to school in the dark. I have to run past people's houses so I don't catch their nightmares.

Francis:
[earnestly] Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help.

Malcolm:
This is why orphans get all the hot girls.

Craig Feldspar:
Malcolm, I think you're forgeting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"

Lois:
Fresh fruit? All-cotton underwear? A decent book? We don't sell this stuff!

Dewey:
Dad! The toilet lid was up and Jamie's tongue is blue again.

Malcolm:
Reese, we are not leaving Stevie behind.

Reese:
Maybe it's his time, what do we know? Who are we to play God?

Malcolm:
Why are you so happy?

Dewey:
Gorak gave me one of his Babies.

Reese:
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... Puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over...

Kitty Kenarban:
A sleepover? At someone else's house?

Abraham 'Abe' Kenarban:
Don't you like sleeping here, son?

Kitty Kenarban:
I don't think this is a good idea, Stevie, I mean, Malcolm's family doesn't have a hepa filter air purifier, and God knows how outmoded their alarm system is. They probably don't even have motion detectors.

Abraham 'Abe' Kenarban:
Be honest, son. Is it my snoring?

Kitty Kenarban:
You have a perfectly good hypoallergenic mattress here to sleep on. I just don't see the point.

Stevie Kenarban:
[wheezing due to his chronic breathing problem] It would help... me feel... normal.

Stevie Kenarban:
[Stevie realises his parents can no longer object; he turns his wheelchair and exits toward the camera, grinning] Fish... in a barrel.

Reese:
[to Malcolm, when they are trapped in a carnival after hours with a drunken security guard chasing them] Look, I just want to let you know I've always tried to be a good brother. If I ever hit you, or burnt your stuff, it was because you deserved it, and it was fun.

Dewey:
I don't like ghosts, they eat little boys.

Hal:
[after being busted for trespassing on an artillery range] Of course, we're terribly sorry about this and we realize that fences are there for a reason. However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence we weren't sure if we were going in or out. You want to explain the theory, son?

Malcolm:
Not really.

Major Hughes:
This is a highly classified testing ground and I could very easily detain the three of you indefinitely for national security reasons.

Reese:
Know what nobody's mentioned? Is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed.

Malcolm:
[to camera] Well, the great thing about this trip is the next time I hear we can't afford to go on vacation I think I'll be okay with it.

Carrie:
[Carrie, wearing a "Fur is Murder" T-shirt, approaches Reese at lunch time] Is it OK if I sit here?

Reese:
This is on a dare, huh? If you get to touch me, I'm OK with that, but I have to approve any photographs.

Carrie:
No, it's just that I couldn't sit and watch kids eating the flesh of murdered animals.

Reese:
Is that the special?

Chad:
Pictures of things belong with the things that they're pictures of.

Mrs. Potts:
[Lois forces the boys to do charity work for the Church, where their supervisor thanks and encourages them] You boys should be so proud of yourselves. A lot of people are really going to appreciate what you're doing. You know, I'm going to say a special prayer for you.

Dewey:
[sarcastically] Yeah. That should make us even.

Lloyd:
[the Krelboynes and Reese are discussing all the stuff they can get from the Church second-hand store] Any porcelain tea sets? Not for me, of course, for my sister.

Malcolm:
Isn't your sister at Vassar?

Lloyd:
[irritated] Look, do you want the cash or not?

Malcolm:
[Malcolm addresses the audience] I've been lying here thinking about God. I don't know much, just that He's this all-powerful, all-knowing being, kinda like Mom, only invisible. So, I feel better being on His good side for awhile. And you know what? We probably all spend a little too much of our lives focusing on material things.

Reese:
[sees Dewey, kneeling, hands together] What are you doing?

Dewey:
Praying.

Reese:
No you're not. He's got chocolate.

Malcolm:
*Get him!*

Dewey:
Does this means Reese's a girl now?

Malcolm:
No Dewey, he's a lady.

Reese:
Shut up.

Malcolm:
Yes Ma'am.

Malcolm:
I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader. I could wet my pants in public and it would be a lateral move.

Reese:
[Malcolm in helping Reese practice cheerleading] Stick your arms out! We have to sell this!

Malcolm:
Can you move your hand a little to the left?

Reese:
Spread your legs!

Malcolm:
No!

Reese:
I said spread your legs

Malcolm:
No!

Lois:
It's time for the talk, Hal.

Malcolm:
I'm not spreading my legs!

Malcolm:
[Malcolm has just learned Reese wants to be a cheerleader] Reese, you're a guy. Guy cheerleaders are the lowest of the low. Worse than band. Worse than Krelboynes. The only thing lower is that guy that never takes his hand out of his butt.

Reese:
Oh, Chester? He's a cheerleader, too. Does a lot of solo work.

Malcolm:
I tried to help him. I gave him advice. I tried reasoning with him. There's only one thing left to do. Sit back and laugh my ass off.

Malcolm:
Hey. This is supposed to be to Dewey from both us.

Reese:
I picked it out.

Malcolm:
I stepped in it.

Grandma Ida:
I should've kissed your boo-boos and made them better. I was supposed to tell the bad little boy stories and bake you giant sugar cookies and knit you nice, fluffy sweaters. I should've carried you and held you and told you how much I loved your diapers.

Hal:
You are a wonderful mother and you're a wonderful person.

Francis:
[On the phone] Hey Mom, it's Francis. I just want you to know that I am disgusted with the way you treat Grandma. Abandoning a helpless old woman on Christmas. I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

Francis:
What are these doing in your closet?

Grandma Ida:
They're gifts. For the family, for relatives. For friends.

Francis:
But you never give presents... Oh my God, Donatello with pizza-throwing action? I wanted one of these when I was six.

Grandma Ida:
I know you did. I bought that for you. And then, right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone, you called me "poopie" and hung up.

Lois:
I am not canceling Christmas, I'm just holding it hostage.

Dewey:
She's stealing Christmas.

Malcolm:
Mom, you can't do this.

Reese:
Yeah, this is the last year Dewey'll believe in Santa Claus.

Dewey:
What?

Francis:
Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.

Grandma Ida:
I never know what you're talking about. You talk like a jackass. [Francis gives her a card that plays "Jingle Bells"]

Grandma Ida:
You do this... to torture me? To hurt me?

Francis:
You don't like Christmas music?

Grandma Ida:
It sounds like the song they sang when they would run through the villages and throw the babies into the fire.

Francis:
They sang Jingle Bells?

Grandma Ida:
They sang something.

Francis:
Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?

Grandma Ida:
After my Magnum P.I.

Francis:
Why don't you do the entire family a favor, and just die?

Lois:
[wrapping up some gifts while talking to Francis in Alaska] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas.

Francis:
I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.

Lois:
Francis, this is family. This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?

Francis:
Well did you even invite her to your house?

Lois:
[pauses for a minute] She knows she's always welcome.

Francis:
Hey, why don't we get on a bus and surprise you?

Lois:
Don't you threaten me, I am ending this conversation. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.

Francis:
[finding door under stairs] Hey, what's this? [opens it and turns light on revealing lots of merchandise]

Grandma Ida:
Oh you don't want to look in there. Too sad.

Francis:
But grandma, what are all these things?

Grandma Ida:
They're gifts for the family.

Francis:
But you never [spots something and picks it up] Oh my God. Donatella Ninja with pizza throwing action. I wanted one of these when I was in the 2nd grade.

Grandma Ida:
I know and I bought it for you. Then right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone you called me poopy and then hung up.

Francis:
[makes weird face and then sees something else] Is that the bread maker mom wanted last year?

Grandma Ida:
If she wants bread so much, so should write back when a mother writes to her. [picks a statue up] Oh I bought this for cousin Nichola. I spent the whole day shopping. Then she goes and marries a protestant. [points to something] That video camera, for your father, right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store. [mutters] All the nice things I do for people.

Francis:
[astonished at all this] Oh my God! You are crazy! I thought you were just evil, but you are completely nuts! Grandma gifts aren't conditional, they're gifts! You give them to people because you care about them! They don't even know you've upset them. You've built up this insanity! What kind of person does that?

Grandma Ida:
A sad lonely person. What use is of all these gifts? They could have brought some happiness, but instead they just rotted here in this closet.

Grandma Ida:
Oh my heart. Its melting.

Francis:
What?

Grandma Ida:
Oh Francis. You, you showed me the way by yelling. [now sarcastic] Quick go get me my reindeer and we'll deliver these gifts to all the mean rotten selfish people around here.

Francis:
Well, look at that - 8:00 already, way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep?

Grandma Ida:
You're sitting on it

Francis:
Does it turn into a bed?

Grandma Ida:
Yes, it becomes a bed. [sarcastically] It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid!

Francis:
All right! It doesn't fold out!

Francis:
Isn't that the bread maker Mom asked for last year?

Grandma Ida:
If she wants bread so much, she should write back when her mother writes to her. This was for Cousin Nicola. I spent a day shopping for it, then she marries a Protestant. That camera, for your father, right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store. All the nice things I do for people.

Francis:
Oh my God, you're crazy. I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts. Grandma, gifts aren't conditional. They're gifts. You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them. They don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?

Grandma Ida:
A lonely, bitter old woman. Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could've brought somebody some happiness and instead they rot here.

[Sarcastically]

Grandma Ida:
Oh. My hear... My heart. I think it's... Melting. Yes, it's melting. You've showed me the way, Francis, by yelling at me. Quick, go get my magic sled. And me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas to other mean, rude, stupid people. We'll all join hands and sing songs and we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust and...

Hal:
Before you saying anything, I don't want you to think of this as Christmas cider. This is non-denominational winter cider.

Hal:
Boys, let me tell you something, the only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial! If I was gonna let myself get beaten by failure I woud've quit after one kid!

Craig Feldspar:
[Lois and other Lucky Aid employees are inside the store, chasing a squirrel that bit Craig] Wait, he's headed for the front door! Watch out. He's got murder in his eyes...

[sobbing loudly]

Craig Feldspar:
...and a cute fluffy tail!

Malcolm:
[as Hal and the boys begin to sell Christmas trees] Dad, stop worrying. We can do this. With what we spent on trees and truck rental, we'll be in profit once we sell tree 67.

Reese:
Then let's just sell that tree first.

Hal:
The baby's not due for a month. I told you it wasn't conceived in the elevator. It was Dewey's parent/teacher conference.

Hal:
[referring to Francis] You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' Weekend at the military school, you two got into a swordfight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a Tee-Ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, '*You* shut up.' Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born.

Lois:
[pause] He started it.

Dr. Kennedy:
And how do see your place in this family?

Dewey:
Well, I'm the favorite. You know, the one everybody loves the most. The cute one, the one everybody looks out for and gives presents to. And sometimes they even make the birds sing to me or the clouds spell out my name.

Reese:
I'm the one who spit in Dewey's cereal this morning. I mean...

Dewey:
I drank that milk! I licked the bowl! I hate you!

Hal:
[Malcolm hangs up the 'phone as Hal walks in] If that wasn't a relative, I'm going to be very upset.

Malcolm:
Just another college recruiter.

Hal:
[upset, as predicted] Just another college recruiter? Y'know, when I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may not have pursued higher education at all.

Malcolm:
But they're calling me all the time. I must get ten calls a day.

Hal:
Then each one must be handled like that's the university you're going to. It's called 'options'. Why do you think guys date ugly women?

Dewey:
[duffel bag in hand] I'm all packed up.

Hal:
Good for you. Are you going somewhere?

Lois:
He's going to Francis's. Let's go over the rules again. When you are on the bus, what are you to do?

Dewey:
Talk to no-one, don't let anyone sit next to me, try to look sickly and learning-impaired, cough every few minutes, and nose-picking's OK.

Lois:
Encouraged! And what if you're on the bus for a few hours, and you have to go to the bathroom *really, really bad*?

Dewey:
Still don't go.

Lois:
That's my boy!

Patty Henderson:
Okay, now you're all squeaky clean. Now go put on your pajamas.

Dewey:
Hi Guys.

Patty Henderson:
I'm wearing one of your shirts. I was going to sleep in it tonight. I hope you don't mind.

Hal:
[Trying to fly a kite, and gets wrapped up in the string] I'm sick of this! I HATE KITES! I HAVE ALWAYS HATED KITES!!!

Reese:
Reese: She's hiding something! I bet it's her big butt! When ever she backs up I will say "beep beep beep"

Malcolm:
Malcolm: Reese, when will she ever back up?

Reese:
When is her lunch period? I will sneak in and throw a piece of bacon at her! beep beep beep

Dabney:
If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher.

Reese:
[singing] Amazing race, How sweet the taste / That saved a wrench for me. / I once was in the lost and found / was blind, but found my keys.

Dewey:
[to the Bible teacher Helen] Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.

Helen:
Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.

Dewey:
Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.

Helen:
Well that's not -

Dewey:
I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. [ponders] There was nothing they could do about it.

Helen:
But, I don't think -

Dewey:
Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.

Helen:
Well, that's good, but -

Dewey:
I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!

Reese:
This will be the most magnificent day of my life. I plan to float above the clouds and experience the joy that only birds can know.

Dewey:
You're going to fry yourself on high voltage wires.

Reese:
I'm not afraid. I have faith in my vision. I love you, Dewey.

[Starts to float off]

Reese:
This is incredible! I can see the top of Dad's car from here!

Dewey:
I'll miss you at first! No, I'M as surprised as you are. No, I'm as SURPRISED as you are. No, I'm as surprised as YOU are.

Commandant Edwin Spangler:
[after Francis found him another job in a retirement home] You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft, I can see paste coming up from the popsicle stick.

Inuit Woman:
I'm sorry, I have arthritis.

Commandant Edwin Spangler:
That's it, you have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meektijuk after I leave.

[the former Commandant Spangler leaves and the other eldery residents starts despising him the same way Francis and Eric did at Marlin Academy]

Doctor:
[after Dewey's stomach pump] He's fine. We didn't find any candles, but we did find some marbles. And the waistband to a pair of underpants.

Dewey:
Don't ask.

Reese:
What am I thinking?

Malcolm:
I'm smart, not psychic.

Dewey:
Can you understand dogs?

Malcolm:
No.

Dewey:
[smiles] I can.

Malcolm:
I never even knew we had fancy silverware. When was the last time you used this?

Lois:
The night you were conceived. You want more details?

Dewey:
[to Hal, in the kitchen] I'm here to snitch. Reese and Malcolm are in the garage. They won't let me in, but they're building something. If you want help in the penalty phase, let me know.

Reese:
Malcolm's a genius, now Dewey's a genius. I guess it's only a matter of time 'til we find out that I'm a genius. I wonder what kind of genius I am? Fifteen times thirty-two is three thousand, nine hundred eighty-nine.

Malcolm:
It's four hundred eighty.

Reese:
OK, so I'm not Rain Man. Big deal. Some day they'll invent a machine that does that stuff for you, anyway.

Malcolm:
[Malcolm is desperate to help Dewey fail an intelligence test and stay out of the Krelboyne class] We have to give exactly the same answers a real dumb person would give.

Stevie Kenarban:
How do we... do that?

Reese:
[enter Reese, in effect answering Stevie's question] Guys, guys. I've been trying to figure out what kind of genius I am, and I finally realized, I should go to the Library. And you know what? You can get Internet porn there, and the librarians can't do anything about it! God, I *love* this country!

Dewey:
Why do all our art projects use tissues?

Mr. Sheridan:
Because tissues are soft and non-toxic. This way, no-one gets hurt and no-one sues the school. This program can't handle another lawsuit, Dewey. I only get paid for four days a week as it is.

Dewey:
But it's ridiculous. We have to do Math without pencils. We have to do History without hard-cover books. Can't we at least have some art supplies?

Mr. Sheridan:
Art supplies mean scissors. They mean paste. These children stab with scissors. They eat paste. Some of them tried to eat scissors. This one tried to stab with paste.

Dewey:
Teachers are supposed to help their students. Maybe you wouldn't be so unhappy all the time if you tried a little harder.

Mr. Sheridan:
Look, Dewey, you're not going to make it through the year with that attitude. You just have to take all your hopes and dreams and let them die. Then maybe you won't end up staring at a clock at four in the morning wishing you had kissed more ass in grad school.

Hanson:
Thanks for trying.

Chad:
I swear, if you can get the paste I'll stab him for you.

Stevie Kenarban:
Crying on command got me a cable modem!

Malcolm:
[the Boys are playing Baseball indoors] Malcolm: Two outs, man on first, pitch... [Reese hits the ball and destroys a framed picture]

Reese:
Oh man, we're so dead

Malcolm:
That's it, game over!

Reese:
Yeah... so I win.

Malcolm:
What?

Reese:
Past the lamp is a home run. Two men scored.

Malcolm:
That was a foul ball!

Reese:
Are you crazy?

Dewey:
[lying on the floor] It was foul.

Reese:
Shut up, you're home plate, you don't get a vote! And it was fair!

Malcolm:
Do over.

Reese:
Fine by me. [hits the ball and smashes a vase] Oh, crap!

Malcolm:
Now we *really* have to quit!

Reese:
Yeah. But that was triple

Malcolm:
Get back up there! [resmues pitching stance]

Lois:
[Malcolm is in trouble after he chooses to publish an expletive-laced story in his school's literary magazine] What's her name?

Malcolm:
Who?

Lois:
The girl you're trying to impress. Hope she's cute.

Malcolm:
[exasperated] This isn't about a girl!

Reese:
A girl wrote the dirty story.

Hal:
Oh, son, you want to be careful. A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you.

Malcolm:
That's not what this is about! Ronnie's a lesbian.

Lois:
Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in a while.

Otto:
Quiet please! If everyone could just stop their drunken revelling for one second...

Stevie:
Freedom's a glorious thing.

Gretchen Mannkusser:
Otto and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.

Francis:
You're kidding. That's great.

Otto:
[to Gretchen, passionately] Oh, I wish I could chop you up in a million pieces so that I could share you with the rest of the world.

Gretchen Mannkusser:
Oh, you are so romantic, my big Bavarian monkey-face! [they kiss, and she leaves]

Otto:
Francis, I am in so much trouble.

Francis:
What's wrong?

Otto:
I just found out what Gretchen is getting me for our anniversary. She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks, so she called the factory in Innsbruck and somehow convinced them to hand-craft a cuckoo clock with a little Otto and a little Gretchen that come out and kiss every hour!

Francis:
Wow. What'd you get her?

Otto:
Some Dust-Buster filters and a bracelet I saw on QVC.

Malcolm:
We have the choice people have had for centuries... we can choose to fail.

Dabney:
Like the French?

Dewey:
Someday, when you come back, and you're unemployed and have no place to live: you can come stay at my castle.

Hal:
Dewey, want to go with me to take the old couch to the dump?

Dewey:
No, I wanna watch cartoons.

Hal:
[in amazement] Are you kidding? We're talking about the *city dump*. Mountains of smoldering garbage as far as you can see. Swarms of flies that block out the sun.

Dewey:
[getting very interested] Really?

Hal:
Last time I was there, I saw a forty-pound seagull carry off a dog in its beak!

Dewey:
*Wow!*

Malcolm:
[the family, and community, have been evacuated to the school gym] What are you doing with toilet paper?

Reese:
I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the 'specially seasoned' meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.

Malcolm:
Y'know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.

Reese:
I guess when people are miserable and suffering, it brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

Reese:
Guys! Guys! I've made a discovery! When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! I'm gonna name it... Blellow!

Dewey:
I just want you to know, if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl, it's on your head.

Lois:
No, it's not.

Stevie:
Outwitted... by a dumbass.

Piama Tananahaakna:
What happened?

Francis:
The other piglets were mean to him.

Piama Tananahaakna:
Francis, you said last week you'd put that thing back in its pen.

Francis:
I tried, but he's just so good natured and sweet, the others won't let him feed. I am not putting him back in there until I teach him to be more assertive.

Piama Tananahaakna:
Either you return Ralph to his pen tonight, or he's gonna be looking up at you from an omelet.

Malcolm:
We have asbestos in our ceiling! Yay!

Lois:
Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.

Hal:
You're right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool there will be consequences.

Francis:
[the end of Francis' bedtime story to a group of young children] And the little boy, about your age, was found hanging in the moonlight, strangled by his own intestines. And there was just enough life left in him to say:

Francis:
[pointing at the children] YOU'RE NEXT!

Lois:
You put the baby in the closet?

Hal:
You left the milk on the table?

[Hal is trying to educate two-year-old Reese]

Hal:
[singing to the tune of 1812 overture] Art / Mona Lisa was by Da Vinci / Science / The Radio was made by Marconi / Math / 9 is the product of 3 times 3 / Natural Science / Darwin once said we all come from monkeys / But *not* literally.

Lois:
[nine months pregnant with Malcolm] Someone's benefiting from that, and it's not Reese.

[close-up of Lois' enlarged chest]

Lois:
He's two years old and still calls you "phone".

[Hal leaves]

Young Reese:
Phone go bye-bye.

Hal:
[arguing with Lois] Okay, let's hear it! This has to be *my* fault somehow. So, go ahead. Say it! Come on. I'm the cause of all that is bad in the universe! Everything that I touch turns to crap! And now... [screams]... I BRING YOU RAIN! [thunder]

Young Malcolm:
I tried to make invisible ink, but I think I made chlorine gas.

Reese:
Dewey. I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money. There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin.

Dewey:
He's my evil twin?

Reese:
No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin.

Dewey:
But, I don't want to be an evil twin.

Reese:
Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas.

Otto:
[Otto has just learned that neighboring ranchers have torn down his fences again, as Gretchen arrives with lunch] Gretchen, I did not mean for you to see me in my fury.

Gretchen:
[Otto is outdoors, dressed only in a speedo, cowboy hat and boots] Otto, I love your fury. Isn't Otto's fury magnificent, Francis?

Francis:
I try not to look at his... fury.

Otto:
If they tear this one down, we will make them suffer as they have *never* suffered.

Francis:
Or we might consider trying to reach a compromise.

Otto:
Do I look French to you? No!

Merl:
Our ranch has used this trail for over fifty years. We're not about to stop for a bunch of city boys playing 'horsey.'

Francis:
Look, just because it's a dude ranch doesn't mean I don't bust my ass the same as you. [his cell phone suddenly rings, playing 'This old man, he played one... ']

Earl:
Hey, cowboy, your fanny-pack's ringing.

[Lois and Hal were forced to miss out on Dewey's performance because of Malcolm and Reese misbehaving and brawling at athe Go-Kart race]

Lois:
I should've asked the doctor to sew furs and tails on both of you, because you're animals.

Hal:
For what is worth, you both are grounded again.

[Fixing dinner, Lois drops a roast on the floor, picks it up, begins to brush it off, and turns to find Dewey watching her]

Dewey:
Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side and I didn't see a thing.

Lois:
Deal.

Dewey:
And then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we wen - and we went to get Slurpees.

Reese:
You did not. You just lied.

Hal:
Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened there's no reason to argue about it.

Reese:
No one believes I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat.

Hal:
Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.

Francis:
Good job, dipwad. You got me in the nards.

Hal:
Francis is going to have to sink or swim on his own, and frankly I don't think that's such a bad thing!

Lois:
Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

Lois:
We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral.

Francis:
Aunt Helen died?

Lois:
Well, I sure hope so, we're going to her funeral.

Francis:
[Francis is on the phone to Dewey] Dewey, how did Aunt Helen die?

Dewey:
Cats ate her face

Francis:
No, Dewey. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.

Dewey:
Cats ate her face.

Francis:
Look, will you just put dad on the phone.

Hal:
[Dewey hands the phone to Hal] Hello?

Francis:
Dad. How did Aunt Helen die?

Hal:
Cats ate her face, here talk to Dewey he knows more about it than I do

Lois:
Did you call that girl?

Malcolm:
Yes, I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert and now she's probably going to invite someone else.

Lois:
Well Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister - the woman who tok care of me everyday after school - had to die and inconvenience your social life.

Malcolm:
Mom, I hate wearing Reece's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.

Lois:
Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.

Malcolm:
Now my brain is filled with mom-guilt.

Craig Feldspar:
[ripping up paper] Forget this. You can't learn anything from a resume. So, tell me about your employment history.

Hal:
Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming, but you don't have to be. Yes, you're not going to be the youngest any more, and it is true the baby will get all of our attention for quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work around the house, and probably have to share the bedroom...

Lois:
What your father is trying to say is, there is no reason for you to be acting up like this. Now, get this mess cleaned up. And the baby is not talking to you.

Dewey:
It said you'd say that.

Lois:
So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.

Policeman:
Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Hal:
Certainly not for operating an illegal pirate radio station. I mean, even if I did have the equipment in college, I wouldn't have kept it and be using it today. What's with all these questions? Do you have a warrant?

Hal:
And then the stop sign army springs into action all in support of the military industrial country club complex.

Dewey:
Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...

Malcolm:
Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!

Reese:
[Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat] Every man for himself!

Hal:
Now remember, boys, if you see the bobcat, don't be a hero. Stand on a chair and use your whistle.

Dewey:
That's my piggy bank. That was in my room.

Reese:
Relax, dipwad. I got two bucks for it.

Dewey:
It had sixteen dollars in it.

Reese:
Waa-waa. Spilt milk.

Malcolm:
Just remember, as far as we know, Dewey has always been missing the tip of his finger.

Lois:
I think that if we gave Reese a little more responsibility, he would rise to the challenge. Now, I'm not talking about giving him a key to the house or anything.

Lois:
Hal, just say it again, please. I really need to hear it.

Hal:
Okay. Reese... is hopeless.

Lois:
Thank you.

Piama:
[Reese's septic barrel has just exploded over everyone] Well we might as well go ahead and have kids, since I'm not afraid of changing diapers anymore.

Reese:
What did I miss?

Malcolm:
There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to.

Reese:
What I was just gone for a second.

Dewey:
Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this.

Lois:
[walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man.

Hal:
I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...

[Hal is electrocuted and the boys laugh at it as Lois leaves embarrassed]

Al:
[the school Janitor gives Reese instructions for his new job as Assistant Janitor] Any questions?

Reese:
[ecstatic] Yeah. Why would you ever go home? This job is better than I could ever imagine! A cool uniform. The power to cordon off wet floors. You're not just some creepy loner hanging around the school. You're the *janitor*.

Al:
Don't get too excited, kid. You'll be gone after 30 days.

Reese:
Oh, no. I'm really committed to this. I'll be...

Al:
No, no, no, you don't understand. This is a union gig. Once you get past the 30-day probation, you're locked for life. Full benefits: medical, everything. So, they never keep a new guy for more than a month. Hey, I'm sorry kid. You really seem to be a natural at this. I've never seen anybody take to garbage the way you do.

Reese:
[crestfallen] There's gotta be some way. I mean... I mean, what if there was a mess. A mess that was so big, and sticky and disgusting that it was impossible to clean up in less than 30 days?

Al:
It's a beautiful thought, kid. But there's no such thing as a 30-day mess.

Reese:
[determined] Yeah? Well they also said they'd never put a man on Mars!

Malcolm:
[to the camera while in a tent in the yard] Francis and Piama came to visit at the same time Grandma is here. Eight people, seven sleeping places - guess who gets the shaft? This is my reward for being at the library when they asked for a volunteer.

Dewey:
[to Grandma Ida] We'll miss you.

Grandma Ida:
Even the little one lies!

Hal:
If this baby's half as bad as our least bad one, we're still ruined.

Malcolm:
Sleeping is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile. I can dream I'm somewhere decent.

Hal:
Dewey, go easy on the orange juice. That stuff doesn't grow on trees - wait, it does. So why is it so damn expensive?

Dewey:
All I ever had was being the youngest. Now I won't even have that.

Stevie:
Social skills 10?

Malcolm:
I have social skills, jackass.

Dewey:
[Dewey's Soccer team go out of control when Hal tells them they are superheroes and the opposition are the bad guys] Eat chalk, evil-doer! [rubs other kid's face into chalk line on field]

Reese:
So, "Dad", you gonna ground me?

Ed:
Geez, your counselor was furious.

Reese:
All right, now that that's done, why don't we just go home? I could jump in your Jacuzzi, and you could throw something on the barbecue for me.

Ed:
I have a better idea. Why don't we just go home? I could jump in *my*Jacuzzi, and *you* could throw something on the barbecue for *me*.

Reese:
What are you talking about?

Ed:
Well, let's just say, that with the information your counselor gave me, I could call your mom, and you won't see daylight for years.

Reese:
Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell your secret to your wife.

Ed:
Well, I guess the question is, am I more scared of my wife... or are you more scared of your mother?

[Malcolm is playing the video game "The Sims" with his family]

Malcolm:
Why am I five hundred pounds?

Piama:
My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit to eat the crap between your toes. Someone ought to cut that woman's belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails."

Francis:
I love you, too.

Malcolm:
Sorry, Damn. Stupid. I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything... and I'm fat.

Francis:
I don't even know how to pronounce your last name.

Piama:
TA-NA-NA-HA-AK-NA.

Francis:
My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid.

Lois:
I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.

Francis:
I'm working for a moron.

Lois:
Of course you are, honey. Your boss is an idiot, your co-workers are incompetent and you are underappreciated. Welcome to the working world.

Reese:
Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What's her name?

Dewey:
Ragina Tucker.

Reese:
Hmm, we'll think of something.

Malcolm:
[to the camera] It's weird, all my life, Dad has been getting up every morning and dragging himself to a job he hates with every fiber of his being. I can't believe I never noticed. I guess I've been pretty self-centered... Oh, my God... What if that happens to me?

Stevie:
With my intelligence and tokenism, the sky's the limit.

Reese:
Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who...

Hal:
I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.

Reese:
Okay, thanks.

Dewey:
Mom, dad, guess what? The tooth fairy came.

Lois:
He did?

Hal:
Oh, so what'd he give you? A couple dollars?

Dewey:
I got a rock and a half a stick of gum.

Lois:
Malcolm. Reese.

Hal:
You're the one I can talk to, you're my guy!

Reese:
Really? I thought Malcolm was your favorite.

Hal:
Oh, no. The smart one scares me. You're normal, like me!

Chad:
[Zoe and Hanson, each nominated for class president to run against big-shot Kyle, are battling to get Chad's vote] Stop screaming at me! You're not my guidance counselor!

Dewey:
Guys, guys, calm down... The truth is the two of you were nominated as a joke. But you had a chance to show the rest of the school that you were better than Kyle and his friends. Now you're no different than they are.

Chad:
We used to be a team, you two and the four of me. We have no idea who you are anymore.

Lois:
Sorry it's so cramped, Piama. This van really isn't designed to carry seven people.

Piama:
Oh, I guess I was thrown off by the seven seats and the seven seatbelts.

Piama:
[to Lois] Lady, you don't wanna stick your hand in my face.

Dewey:
You missed it. It was so awesome.

Malcolm:
What?

Dewey:
Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard - with your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone and landed in an open grave!

Reese:
Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

Malcolm:
I've been sitting here bored out of my mind for four hours. Why didn't you invite me?

Dewey:
Didn't we?

Malcolm:
No, you didn't. You walked right by me. I thought you were going out to the garage.

Reese:
Huh! Oh, well.

Malcolm:
It's not a big deal. It's just that my feelings are kinda...

Malcolm:
[he turns to the camera, addressing us viewers] Oh, crap!

Reese:
Your what are kind of what?

Malcolm:
Nothing. Forget it!

Reese:
[sensing a rare opportunity to humiliate his brother] I think somebody has feelings, Dewey.

Malcolm:
I do not.

Reese:
We gotta make this right.

Dewey:
[deftly following Reese's lead] Group hug?

Reese:
Awwww, listen to those feelings.

Reese:
[Dewey and Reese approach Malcolm with their arms outstretched] Come here, you!

Malcolm:
Get away from me!

Malcolm:
[again speaking to the camera and us, the audience] In our house, *that's* the "F" word.

Francis:
Wow, Mom, this is fantastic. I am so happy to be home for Christmas.

Piama Tananahaakna:
You said this house was Satan's trash can.

Francis:
[with forced sweetness] You're quoting me out of context!

Dabney Hooper:
Look, Malcolm, I know you think I'm a mama's boy...!

Malcolm:
No, mama's boys are laughing at you with their mothers!

Malcolm:
I don't know what he did last night, but there's no hot water, and the toilet's full of sawdust.

Hal:
This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago.

Reese:
What if we want to watch it again?

Hal:
I found it in the dishwasher.

Malcolm:
Apparently the difference between a stink bomb and a Level 3 toxic biohazard is two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I am totally suing that Web site.

Lois:
[about Hal] He's battling his arch enemy.

Francis:
Is the squirrel back again?

Francis:
Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calendar.

Reese:
Yeah, it is. It's the thirty-first.

Francis:
No, Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that's Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your hearts, every day is Halloween.

Reese:
[pointing at a calendar] No, look, it is the thirty-first.

Malcolm:
[Malcolm shows the brothers evidence that they've been humiliated on the Internet] The Schwabs sent out a mass eMail to everyone at school. They Photoshopped our heads onto a dirty movie.

Dewey:
Gross!

Reese:
That can't be a dirty movie. There aren't any girls in it.

Reese:
[pause for recognition] Oh my God!

Malcolm:
I'm not homophobic. If the three of us were gay lovers, I'd be fine with this. But it's not true!

Reese:
[passionately] This is so humiliating. My abs are way more ripped than that guy's.

Dewey:
[quietly, through clenched teeth] We've got to respond.

Hal:
[Hal is obsessed with his sons' safety after he learns that his family's lapsed health insurance cannot be re-activated until after the weekend] What does it take to keep you boys safe?... What's the matter with you boys. Don't you realize you could get killed?

Reese:
Dad, I'm not gonna die.

Hal:
What?

Reese:
I'm seventeen.

Hal:
And so you can't die?

Reese:
I just don't see it happening.

Hal:
I got news for you, Reese. Seventeen-year-olds die all the time.

Reese:
[scoffing] Come on, Dad. That's just somethin' they tell you to so you stay off drugs.

Hal:
That's it! You're all grounded, in your room, for the rest of the weekend.

Malcolm:
You can't do that.

Dewey:
I know I'm gonna die, Dad.

Hal:
Nobody is dying in this family until the start of business Monday morning.

Dewey:
[Hal locks the boys in their room] Dad, why are you doing this?

Reese:
We're gonna call child welfare, and this time they'll come.

Malcolm:
[after Lois got mad at them for no special reason] What's her problem?

Reese:
Mom and Dad's life is so boring they have to invent stuff to be upset about.

Pete:
Women. They're just like the woods: mysterious... full of wolves.

Lois:
[tensions have been mounting as Hal learns of a possible health problem, and the boys misbehave rather spectacularly] How dare you defy us like that?

Malcolm:
Well we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor.

Lois:
You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born. How could you be so heartless?

Reese:
What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?

Malcolm:
[whispering] Be cool.

Hal:
[almost out of control] You were at a party? While we were here worrying?

Dewey:
[oblivious] Can I have a napkin?

Hal:
[he throws the napkin toward Dewey, still focusing on Malcolm and Reese] I cannot believe you two.

Lois:
[losing it completely] All right, that's *it*! You're grounded for the rest of the school year.

Reese:
You can't do that.

Malcolm:
You're crazy!

Hal:
[enraged] You do *not* talk to your mother that way, **ever**! You will show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not.

Reese:
This family sucks. You are ruining our lives. I wish you were dead. [Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen]

Malcolm:
What was that all about?

Reese:
I don't know. She usually just says, 'I'm taking you with me.'

Hal:
So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little

[Lego]

Hal:
community needs a school.

Dewey:
Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.

Hal:
Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.

Dewey:
And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.

Hal:
Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.

Lois:
Oh, my God, is that right? What time do you have?

Cashier:
5:45?

Lois:
5:45. That's not possible. Dropped off Malcolm, picked up Reese, dinner is in the oven. Hah?

Cashier:
What is it?

Lois:
I have the next 25 minutes free.

Cashier:
How did you manage that? Did you leave a kid somewhere?

Lois:
No. No, they are all accounted for.

Cashier:
What're you gonna do?

Lois:
You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the High School play?

Hal:
That's great. It's not a musical, is it?

Malcolm:
No.

Hal:
That's great.

Reese:
Dude, you play a fairy?

Lois:
Not just any fairy, Reese, he's the biggest fairy in the whole play.

Francis:
Did you guys see Circus break that cinder block with his head? That's a good lesson for you guys: it didn't break the first six times, but did he quit trying? No sir...

Francis:
There. Finished.

Reese:
It's never been this clean before.

Malcolm:
Uh-Oh. It's too clean.

Francis:
You're right. She'll never buy it.

Lois:
Dewey, I need to talk to Francis.

Dewey:
He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom.

Lois:
Well, put Malcolm on the phone.

Dewey:
He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom.

Lois:
They're both in the bathroom? Dewey, what's going on?

Dewey:
I have to go to the bathroom.

Francis:
Oh, great, a one-way street. How does that work if I'm going backwards?

Lois:
I just found out your family has a little nickname for me.

Hal:
What is it?

Lois:
"Lois Common Denominator."

Malcolm:
Mom: 62,437. Kids: 0.

Malcolm:
I did the math once; it turns out, every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.

Francis:
Okay, I'm going to show you guys the coolest thing you have even seen. Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey's stuffed animals, the furrier the better.

[Reese is holding a spoonful of mashed potatoes, aimed at Lois]

Malcolm:
[to the camera] It would take hours to explain the psychology of this event, so I'll just simplify.

[points to Lois]

Malcolm:
Dynamite.

[points to Reese]

Malcolm:
Kid with matches.

Reese:
Oh Malcolm, you should see this, Francis is kicking ass.

Reese:
[Stevie produces a Bikini top from his pocket and rubs it on his face] No way; it'st Mom's.

Reese:
If it were Mom's, would I do this? [puts nose into bikini top and inhales through nose]

Lois:
[yelling at Malcolm] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender? A registered sex offender!

Malcolm:
Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's like the worst thing I've ever done. We both understand I'm a terrible person.

Lois:
For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you show your father!

Reese:
Maybe I'm the good one after all. [hands Lois some tea] Here, Mom for your throat. I put a little honey on it.

Malcolm:
You know the other day at the store when I pretended not to know you?

Hal:
Yeah. That was a new low.

Lionel Herkabe:
[sarcastically] Ah, the golden boy has returned. Release the doves!

Malcolm:
Hi, Mr. Herkabe.

Lionel Herkabe:
And you must be Reese. I have been thoroughly briefed on you and if you do one thing wrong, I'm going to go medeival on your permanent record.

Reese:
Ask yourself this, what happened to the old dean of disipline?

Lionel Herkabe, Hal:
[notices Hal mopping] What are you doing?

Hal:
Mopping. In about five minutes, I will have my two hours and that should be enough to discharge my obligation from the volunteer program.

Lionel Herkabe:
Oh, no, it does not, because you've been expelled.

Hal:
All I know is I've been mopping! And this floor looks pretty darn clean to me!

Lionel Herkabe:
But that was UNAUTHORIZED mopping!

Hal:
It is spotless! And maybe we should just see whether the principal thinks it's a job well done.

Lionel Herkabe:
[walks over to a plant and throws a handful of dirt on the ground] It's not even clean.

Reese:
That's the good thing about cheerleaders. They stampede easy.

[Lois continues to be frustrated over Francis and Ida as they continue to bicker]

Francis:
I don't care if you knew the end of the Star Trek episode. I didn't and you ruined it for me. You can't let anyone else be happy.

Grandma Ida:
Shut up, monkey. Anyone with half a brain could see that the rocks were alive.

Lois:
Mom, you hate boy bands, right?

Grandma Ida:
They're making a living. Give 'em a break.

Grandma Ida:
Take the soap opera outside, I want to watch the whore who does the weather.

Hal:
Lois, I keep finding your mother's teeth everywhere. Is she spitting them out or are they escaping?

Ida:
[as she surprises Lois in the shower] You have your father's breasts.

Malcolm:
[Malcolm has been trying to keep his tongue piercing secret, but he eats some hot food and has to make an excuse to leave the dinner table] I need to be alone.

Ida:
You should get him a woman before it's too late. An ugly one. They're cheaper, they work harder.

Malcolm:
Why do we have to go shopping?

Lois:
Because you ruin everything you own. Your clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers.

Dewey:
Mine do.

Reese:
You can bite my American ass, Jiao Lee.

Dewey:
What's that?

Reese:
The school made us adopt pen-pals from different countries. I got stuck with this loser from China.

Dewey:
What's wrong with China?

Reese:
It's not what you think, Dewey. He won't send you illegal fireworks, or get your nunchucks autographed by the Emperor. The guy's a total jerk. It started off with a simple request to apologize for Pearl Harbor. The guy wouldn't do it. He's so arrogant! When I draw squiggles it's nonsense. When he does it, it's a language! I was so pissed! Then I thought, Be the better man, and reason with the guy.

Dewey:
[reading Reese's letter aloud] 'Do you want me to kick your butt? Check Yes or No'

Reese:
[astonished] And there's his response! He couldn't even follow simple instructions!

Dewey:
[continues reading Reese's letter] 'You need help, Reese'

Reese:
He thinks a whole planet between us is going to protect him? He thinks he's so smart? We'll see who's smart when I mail myself to China and kick his upside-down ass... I can't wait to see his face when he opens up his mail and I pop out.

Girl:
What happened? Did you read them your poetry.

Logger Pete:
Calm down. I've been around bears for forty years and there's nothing to worry about.

Francis:
Really?

Logger Pete:
Yep. All we gotta do is stay really quiet. Pretty soon he'll get bored and fly away. Unless he's protecting his eggs ...

Malcolm:
Oh, my God, we're lost!

Reese:
[sarcastically to Dewey] Oh, no, what are we going to do? Excellent, this'll get him cry.

Malcolm:
No, we really are lost.

Reese:
Oh, my God, what are we going to do?!

Eric Hansen:
[to Pete] And you your family changed their name just to get away from you.

Logger Pete:
I'm pretty sure it began with an "O."

Dewey:
Why isn't there a flash flood when you need one?

Hal:
[Discipline is suffering while Lois is away at her sister's] You crossed the line, mister. And until further notice, there will be no TV, no computer and no video games, because I am at zero tolerance with you boys. Did you just roll your eyes at me? As long as you are living in this house, I demand your respect.

Malcolm:
For what? This house is a pig sty. Everything in the fridge is expired. I found a piece of cake in the shower!

Dewey:
That's mine!

Dewey:
[the boys are watching TV after their bedtime] How come she's allowed to be naked on the kitchen table, and I'm not?

Reese:
Dewey, if a cop tells you to do something, you do it.

Hal:
[Enter Hal] What are you boys doing? I told you to go to bed hours ago.

Reese:
Actually, Dad, your exact words were just, 'Go to bed'. You didn't say, 'Go to bed now.' If you leave us a loophole like that, I don't see how this can be our fault.

[Lois has just punished Reese for his prank against Malcolm in wrecking Stevie's acceptance speech in Good Manners Awards show. She is vacuuming the house as he carries his peeled skin suit.]

Lois:
Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.

Reese:
Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'll be throwing a parade for him, right now.

[The vacuum takes in Reese's snake skin.]

Reese:
[shrieks] Noooooo.

Lois:
It just took it.

Reese:
That could've been me. [unplugs the vacuum] I need five minutes alone with the vacuum.

[Reese takes the vacuum and leaves.]

Abraham 'Abe' Kenarban:
Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday. You enjoying your special day, son?

Dewey:
I expect nothing, and I'm still let down.

Abraham 'Abe' Kenarban:
It sure is!

[Malcolm has tried to get rid of Cynthia]

Cynthia's Dad:
Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 am?

Commandant Spangler:
In my thirty years at this academy I have never caned the wrong cadet.

Hal:
Sir, did you say "caned?"

Commandant Spangler:
No.

Malcolm:
[Lois is sorting the laundry] Mom, what are you doing?

Lois:
For cryin' out loud, Malcolm, why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing?

Malcolm:
[pleading] Mom...

Lois:
Why are you not wearing your underpants?

Malcolm:
[embarrassed] I want to wear boxers.

Lois:
Oh, really! Well, you may think you suddenly need all the extra room, but let me tell you my dear: you are getting *way* ahead of yourself.

Malcolm:
[to the viewer] Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.

[talking about Malcolm's class picnic]

Malcolm:
There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey:
Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois:
That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese:
Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Malcolm:
In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a really powerful stink bomb. My hands look wrong enough.

Jody:
[Jody, Francis' new girlfriend whom he met mere hours ago] Oh my God, you're Francis' dad? He talks about you *all the time*!

Hal:
Really? You too!

Hal:
Think they got a beer guy around here?

Lois:
This is a charity event at an elementary school.

Hal:
Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?

Lois:
I brought Brownies.

Dorene:
Well, isn't that thoughtful. Are those nuts?

Lois:
Walnuts.

Dorene:
Well, we can't have that. Some of the children are severely allergic.

Lois:
Oh, my gosh, I had no idea. Whose child is allergic?

Dorene:
Well, no-one in this class specifically, but you can never be too careful

[dumps the brownies in the trash]

Dorene:
Believe me, this wasn't meant to publicly humiliate you. I'm sure they were delicious.

Dewey:
Is Malcolm a robot?

Hal:
[sighs] No, son. He's just very, very, very, very, very smart.

Hal:
Dewey, what did I tell you about raw meat?

Dewey:
[mouth full of raw meat] I'm not.

Reese:
She can smell the fear. It's the pheromones... so the next time you are going to lie, have a shower first.

[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]

Lois:
It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting.

[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to pour in some tooth paste on his to his tooth brush to brush his teeth. He raises his brush to do so and she walks into the master bedroom]

Lois:
But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.

[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]

Lois:
Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.

[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]

Lois:
Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.

[she leaves disgusted]

Reese:
[about fighting dirty] Now, the first thing you need to know is that this is all about pride. Do you have pride, Craig?

Craig Feldspar:
Yes.

Reese:
Okay, that is not the answer I was looking for. You show me a man with pride and I'll show you a man with limited options.

[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked]

Malcolm:
What's wrong with him?

Lois:
The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.

Malcolm:
The waist up?

[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet]

Reese:
Dad, what is it?

[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg]

Dewey:
I think he's thanking you.

[at Lucky Aide, Craig continues to resist his father's offer.]

Craig Feldspar:
Dad, what are you doing here? How many times do I have to tell you? No at Malcolm's house. No at Applebee's. And no, as you jogged alongside my car.

[the boys are teaching Craig how to fight dirty]

Reese:
For convenience, we have divided the human body into the three major theaters - the head...

[a watermelon with eggs for eyes]

Reese:
...the torso...

[a garbage bag full of sausages]

Craig Feldspar:
What are those?

[points to a bag of plums]

Reese:
You know what those are.

Malcolm:
Okay, let's think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?

Dewey:
Take me to the ice rink!

Reese:
Why would you want to go to the ice rink? It's cold there.

Dewey:
But they have good hotdogs.

Reese:
No, they suck! The ones at the train station are the good ones.

Dewey:
Why would a *diving board* want to go to the *train station*?

Reese:
I dunno, maybe it wants to visit relatives, or something.

Malcolm:
Okay, back inside the box.

Diane:
Moppet? Baby? NOOOOO!

Malcolm:
Did it feel good to cut through Elmo's neck? Did it?

Lois:
Drink your milk.

Dewey:
It's lumpy!

Lois:
Then chew it.

Lois:
You know, I hope you are at least learning something from all this.

Dewey:
Yeah. If you do something bad, don't tell!

Julie Houlerman:
[sweetly] Hi Malcolm.

Malcolm:
Look, we're not poor anymore! So I don't want any more of your stupid pity! Okay?

Malcolm:
[to camera] That helped... Right?

Malcolm:
[Hal is hospitalized after eating blackened peaches mistaking them for Olives and breaks wind] First one who laughs get their ass kicked.

Susan:
Victim? I became a victim on my prom night when I walked into the garage and found my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car!

Dewey:
Where do I look?

Malcolm:
There's no where to look!

Francis:
[leading a troop of Buttercup scouts who are lost in the hills] Girls, please! We have water, we'll find shelter, and I know the land. There's food all around us. Look, those are edible fungi called "truffles".

Brittany:
Those are deer turds.

Francis:
[to himself] OK. Well, we're all gonna learn a lot this weekend.

Malcolm:
[Hal has forbidden the boys to drive the Mustang their aunt has given them] This is torture! The car's just sitting there, and no-one can drive it.

Reese:
Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for toy drive.

Hal:
Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think, somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways.

Malcolm:
Trust me, dad, they're all looking down on us.

Malcolm:
That's the way discussions go down in this family. I tell them my needs, and they say no. Then dad reveals another cartoon character he's afraid of.

Francis:
I don't need an assistant.

Otto Mannkusser:
But the boy needs a job, and I have filled every other position here two times over. Oh please, Francis, I'm sure you can find something for him to do.

Francis:
OK, I'll try.

Otto Mannkusser:
Thank you, Francis. I know, I have a problem hiring too many people. But I'm getting help. I am seeing three psychiatrists about it.

Reese:
[Lois begins making a scene when she learns the pizza restaurant has been charging a hidden gratuity fee] Oh no, is this going to be shoe-store bad, or circus bad?

Malcolm:
I think it's going to be ten-items-or-less-aisle bad.

Hal:
Is our car on fire? I think I hear sirens. We better go...

Dewey:
[days later, at home] I'm starting to forget what Luigi's pizza even tasted like.

Reese:
I told you not to brush your teeth.

Malcolm:
This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.

Piama Tananahaakna:
I still can't believe you convinced the newspaper to give us another review.

Francis:
Honey, you of all people should know how persuasive I can be.

Piama Tananahaakna:
You cried?

Francis:
Like a baby.

Dewey:
Mom, Dad. I got a question about school. Let's say I'm making some money. I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is...

Hal:
You have to go to school.

Dewey:
But what if you're making more than $400-500 a week?

Lois:
[sarcastic] Yeah, Dewey. You start making $400-500 a week, you can quit school.

Dewey:
[happily] Okay.

Reese:
[whispering to a wishing hole in a tree] I wish Malcolm and I could be friends forever.

Malcolm:
You like clouds?

Reese:
Yes, I like clouds! I call them sky kittens.

Reese:
Come back, please, I'll find us a ride.

Alison:
Those concert tickets cost me forty dollars each. That's two times forty. Divide that in two, and it's forty dollars a ticket.

Reese:
Well, it's not my fault I can't drive us.

Alison:
You're the one who had his license taken away.

Reese:
Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.

Alison:
Well, you better think of something, because if we can't get there, then we're not going!

Reese:
[to Malcolm and Stevie, who witnessed the argument] Don't ever date anyone smarter than you.

Reese:
Malcolm, I live in a world of 'what the hell's.

Reese, Malcolm:
Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance.

Francis:
Happier.

Reese, Malcolm:
Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance.

Policeman:
What is it you said you're doing here?

Hal:
We're watching the cat.

Policeman:
I don't see a cat.

Hal:
We're not doing a very good job.

Craig Feldspar:
[Dewey hears what he thinks he hears Craig's voice saying in his head while feeding the cat] Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you're going to be the president of Idaho, and anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.

Hal:
[Using sleeping pills to get Jellybean back] These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.

Malcolm:
[being about to suffocate in his car] Stevie was right... and so was Reese. This makes it easier. I don't want to live in a world where Reese is right.

Francis:
[to Dewey] I was a terrible brother to Malcolm and Reese. I treated them way worse than they treat you. You know that scar on Reese's back? That's from a bayonet. Where did I even get a bayonet?

Lois:
Honestly, Malcolm where'd you get the idea that a job is supposed to be fun?... The truth is, work is hard and miserable, and nobody likes doing it.

Reese:
[bursting into the kitchen, ecstatic] I have the greatest job in the world!

Lois:
You got a job?

Reese:
Yeah. With Hygienic Meat Packing. All I do all day is cut meat, with knives and saws. There's blood everywhere. And there's all these guys swearing in Spanish. And they pay me twelve bucks an hour!

Lois:
[Dewey wants a new watch, but the family says they can't afford it] Hi Dewey, how was school?

Dewey:
Terrible. I missed the school bus because I didn't know what time it was. And then I was late for a spelling test because I didn't know what time it was. And then David Klassner beat me up because I didn't know what time it was.

Lois:
You want to know what time it is, Dewey? It's half-past a roof over your head, clean clothes, and three meals a day. That's what time it is.

Dewey:
Let me tell you something, Mom. The roof leaks, the clothes are hand-me-downs, and the food stinks.

Lois:
[pointing] Room!

Dewey:
Dirty!

Malcolm:
[In response to Reese's insult] You don't have any friends!

Reese:
[crushed] Mom told you you're never allowed to talk about that.

Reese:
You know, if you're not allowed to keep a squirrel in your locker, they should put up a sign. I'm not psychic. I can't read minds.

Hal:
There isn't even a picture of you in the yearbook.

Francis:
Look under Pete Zahutt.

Hal:
Take that, you damned dirty helper monkey.

Officer Smith:
Hey, you look familiar. Have you been in our ride-along program?

Reese:
Uh yeah, sort of...

Reese:
[Lois unintentionally infects Malcolm with her mononucleosis] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the 'kissing disease' from Mom. Which will happen right about...

Reese:
[he hits his computer mouse to 'send']... now!

Malcolm:
I didn't kiss her, you saw it.

Reese:
What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?

Dewey:
It was disgusting.

Malcolm:
She licked her finger and touched my face.

Reese:
Spare us the perv details.

Dewey:
[Jamie brings popcorn and soda to Dewey while Dewey and Reese are watching television] Good job, Jamie.

Reese:
[astonished] What the hell was that?

Dewey:
He's my slave.

Reese:
You don't get to have a slave. You're *my* slave.

Dewey:
Slaves can have slaves. This is America.

Hal:
[coaching Lois for her interview in the Mrs Tri-County pageant] Now, no matter what question they ask, you remember to use your key phrases: empowering women, the beauty within, helping those in need. And don't forget: end with, May God bless America!

Lois:
Right, right. And when do I say the stuff about world peace?

Hal:
No, no, no, no, no, no. We got rid of that. You don't wnat to come off like a liberal nut-case!

Dewey:
Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.

Lois:
They're all evil, sweetie.

Reese:
I'm completely defenseless.

Malcolm:
Reese, she's four. You're bigger and smarter than... well, you're bigger.

Reese:
If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name, you can only ruin someone else's.

Hal:
Reese, one man's purse is another man's backpack.

Hal:
One boy's purse is another boy's book bag... if he's European. Besides, I can't tell you how many times I've been jealous of your mother and her purse. You know, we men have to shove our whole lives in a little square of leather, that we then have to sit on.

Reese:
[Yelling at Dewey while throwing rocks at him] I'm trying to protect you.

Mrs. Griffen:
What are you?

Malcolm:
You mean like, how old?

Mrs. Griffen:
No, what are you? Pollack? Swede? Hipachi?

Malcolm:
I really don't know.

Mrs. Griffen:
Aw, a mutt. Well, whatever you are, stay away from my liquor.

Reese:
Kids like me are dreaming about something like this. We look around the playground, we see normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse. Who do you think's gonna get creamed.

Dewey:
Is one of the normal kids fat?

Reese:
It doesn't matter. He's gonna be fat every day, but the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.

Malcolm:
Okay, maybe I was trespassing and I did hip-check her. And who knows, maybe she won't be that bad. Maybe she'll be like a grandma. Well you know, not like my grandma. Like a nice grandma.

[Knocks on the door; Mrs Griffen answers]

Malcolm:
Hi, I'm Malcolm. I'm the kid who broke your arm, I'm real sorry.

Mrs. Griffen:
[Hands him a jar] Fill this up. I'm not having any druggies in my house.

Reese:
Hey, Dewey. You know I never gave you anything for your birthday?

Dewey:
Yeah.

Reese:
Well. Here.

[gives him a backpack]

Reese:
Happy birthday!

Dewey:
I already have a backpack.

Reese:
Not like this one. See this one has a whistle. Why are you flinching? I'm trying to give you something nice.

Dewey:
But I'm not gonna take it.

Reese:
Here, just hold it.

Dewey:
No.

Reese:
[pushes Dewey in his mattress] Why won't you let me do something nice? You're gonna wear this and there's nothing you can do about it!

Jessica:
So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks, and they still haven't carted him off yet!

Reese:
No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here everyday like you own the place! Go back outside and knock, and then go away!

Jessica:
Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants rolling burning trash cans down the street!

Malcolm:
The sad thing is that we're still the worst family on the block.

Malcolm:
What d'you do if he catches you?

Dewey:
Roll in a ball.

Malcolm:
What if he starts kicking you?

Dewey:
Stay in a ball.

Malcolm:
You wanna know what the best thing about childhood is? At some point it stops.

Lois:
You kids, you just take your legs for granted, you know, like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something: that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis, there are car accidents, I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourselves around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.

Caroline Miller:
Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. Okay?

Malcolm:
The man only has four fingers.

Caroline Miller:
Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and really look at...

Malcolm:
The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sunset, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - red paint all over my ass.

Dave Spath:
All right, here's how it works. You can beg for mercy on your belly, lick the bottom of my shoes, or take a beating. You must pick at least two. But, but, but... if you pick three, you get a pass for the next two weeks. All right? That's your best value.

Francis:
Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back.

Malcolm:
It's not like it was even our car!

Hal:
They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of school children name it. That's gonna end badly.

Lois:
There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.

Malcolm:
Huh?

Lois:
I saw his mother at the grocery store, she said you boys ate lunch together.

Malcolm:
One time! He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. It's not like I could say go away.

Malcolm:
If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.

Lois:
You kids...

Malcolm:
Dang!

Dewey:
I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.

Lois:
I know honey, you're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.

Malcolm's Teacher:
Oh Malcolm, this is wonderful. The perspective is good, the composition is clean, and it even shows signs of actual technique. I have to say this is the highpoint of my day. How's that for sad?

Lois:
Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch, the other one can have, eh... I don't know, I think they're peas.

Reese:
He goes to parties, drinks beer, and goes skiing.

Malcolm:
Right, genius! They do lots of skiing in Alabama.

Caroline Miller:
Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?

Lois:
They're just b*obs, lady, you see them in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.

Lois:
It's about Malcolm.

Malcolm:
I didn't do it.

Reese:
Yes he did it, I saw him.

Hal:
Malcolm's special? Where do you think that came from?

Lois:
They have a special program for gifted children. They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste on normal kids.

Malcolm:
I want a better family!

Lois:
Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it. Look at your dad and me.

Lois:
Any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.

Malcolm:
This shouldn't make me feel better. But it does.

Malcolm:
Why do they keep doing that?

Stevie Kenarban:
You're new.

Malcolm:
Oh great, so I'm the freak of the freakshow?

Malcolm:
Oh sure, you're okay because this doesn't make any difference to you. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. Wait... who just said that? You're gonna take that the wrong way, aren't you?

Stevie Kenarban:
You... suck!

Malcolm:
Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive.

Malcolm:
Okay, it wasn't funny when Spath started crying. No wait, it was!

Malcolm:
This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I'd only see half.

[We see Reese's nose]

Malcolm:
And this is my brother Reese's left nostril. It squeaks... all night long.

[We see Dewey's feet]

Malcolm:
And these are the feet of our little brother Dewey.

[We see a picture of Francis]

Malcolm:
This is my favorite brother, Francis. So naturally, my parents sent him off to military school.

[We see Malcolm]

Malcolm:
My name is Malcolm. You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Lois:
[on phone] Hey, Francis. How's school?

Francis:
Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Teacher:
Now, kids, Malcolm may not look different from the rest of us, but he is. In his brain.

Lois:
Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? And your friend Richard.

Malcolm:
He's not ugly or dumb.

Lois:
Yes, but he's very effeminate. Just remember: any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working it a car wash.

Malcolm:
[he looks at the camera, i.e., the audience] This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

Lois:
[Hal forgets about Lois's dance class, and makes a poker date with Abe] Great, now who am I going to go with?

Dewey:
[as Lois looks around the kitchen, Dewey gets panicky] Did Reese finish his homework yet?

Reese:
Of course I finished my homework.

Lois:
Good. You can come to dance class with me.

Reese:
What? No, I was lying. I didn't finish my homework. I don't even know what my homework is!

Lois:
Go get your shoes.

Rudy:
And, right, left, cha-cha-cha. And remember, God created artificial hips for a reason. Let's *use* them. And, back, two, cha-cha, finish. All right, very good. Everyone, let's pair up.

Reese:
[the Teacher pairs with Lois, while Reese sees an old woman leering and coming toward him] No way!

Lois:
[thumps Reese on the head] You be a gentleman.

Reese:
[thinking out loud] It's just like touching a dead person. It's just like touching a dead person.

Lois:
The teacher thinks I have a dancer's ankles. What do you think? Huh? Want to dance with the star pupil?

Hal:
Huh?

Lois:
You know, *dance*!

Hal:
No, I'm not in the mood.

Lois:
You're always in the mood.

Hal:
Not every single night of my life.

Lois:
Yes you are.

Hal:
I'm not like some kind of machine.

Lois:
Yes you *are*.

Hal:
You can't just snap your fingers...

Lois:
Yes, I can. I always have.

Hal:
[annoyed, seeing no way out] Oh, all right!

Abraham 'Abe' Kenarban:
Oh my God. That woman fell out of the sexy tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Hal:
Abe, you dog!

Lois:
In your room [evil voice] NOW!

Lois:
[entering the boys' room] What did you do?

Malcolm:
What?

Lois:
Don't give that look. What did you do?

Malcolm:
Nothing.

Lois:
Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!

[opens a drawer]

Malcolm:
Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything.

Lois:
[notices the curtains are closed] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...

[opens curtain]

Reese:
Are you done? Wanna frisk me?

Lois:
You just consider yourselves lucky.

[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door]

Dewey:
[tied up on back of door] That was close.

Malcolm:
Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

Malcolm:
I can't believe he could really be gone.

Dewey:
I know. Wow, this diaper's gotta be a 5-pounder!

Malcolm:
I'd like to think Jamie knew what it was for. It's so weird. It seems like all my life I wished that something horrible would happen to Reese. And now that is has I... I...

Dewey:
Miss him?

Malcolm:
Yeah.

Dewey:
I do, too. Remember when he shaved my eyebrows and glued them back on so I looked permanently surprised? That was genius.

Malcolm:
Remember the pure joy he got on Christmas morning when he was smashing our presents? No matter how hard I tried, I could never make Mom's face turn to that special purple color... Reese purple.

Dewey:
Maybe we honor Reese the wrong way. Reese wasn't into helping people and doing good deeds. He loved to smash things and destroy stuff for no reason. If we want to honor Reese, maybe we should think about doing it his way.

Malcolm:
You have something in mind?

Dewey:
[shows him a brochure] This kind of caught my eye.

Malcolm:
An art fair?

Dewey:
Just think what Reese would have done with it. They've got fold dancing, dream catchers, face-painting...

Malcolm:
They are kind of begging for it. I don't know...

Dewey:
And rapping grannies.

Malcolm:
Let me see that!

Reese:
[after deserting the Army in Afghanistan, Reese is crawling through the desert half-dead, when he sees a vision] Mr Waffles?

Mr. Waffles:
Reese, you can't give up. You've got to keep going. You've got to keep trying.

Reese:
You don't know what I've been through. I've been shot at, chased, married - and when the guy found out I was a dude, it wasn't like a total deal-breaker.

[Reese wants to get his learner's permit]

Hal:
Reese surrounded by 6,000 pounds of steel and 20 gallons of explosive fuel. It's like giving a shark a submachine gun.

Malcolm:
Why do we have to get dressed like this? It's Reese's hearing.

Lois:
'Cause when the judge looks over at us, I want him to see that Reese comes from a respectable family that loves him very much.

Dewey:
Why aren't they trying him as an adult?

Jackie:
I can't believe I have to be in the same car as a low life like you!

Reese:
Oh, I'm a low-life? You're the one that spends everyday at lunch sucking on a straw that's been under my armpit.

Reese:
I did it! I did it!

Malcolm:
You passed the test?

Reese:
I aced it.

Lois:
You got five wrong.

Reese:
Yeah, but I got eleven right. And that's good enough for my learner's permit. Man, if the DMV was running my school, I'd be like a "C" student.

Lois:
Just let me talk to him, and I can end this in five minutes.

Sgt. Rowdy:
I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think that's a good idea. We have trained psychologists to handle kids in these situations. We know how they think.

Lois:
Think? My son doesn't think. He's just driving around in circles. He's made three laps around this city already.

Hal:
[watching the TV coverage] There's our drycleaner again.

Dewey:
[handing the officer a nude baby snapshot] Here's another picture of my brother you can show on TV.

Lois:
Just get him on the phone and let me handle this. I'm the only one who knows how.

Sgt. Rowdy:
Trust me, we have this under control.

Lois:
[spitting angry] Don't think I don't know what's gonna happen. You're gonna do your standard police thing and my son is going to get killed in a hail of gunfire.

Sgt. Rowdy:
Ma'am, that almost never happens.

Sgt. Hendrix:
Are you sure you're 18?

Reese:
Yes, and here's the I.D. to prove it.

[shows him a fake I.D]

Sgt. Hendrix:
All right then, Private Jetson.

Malcolm:
I don't know how much longer mom can handle all this: the double shifts, the bills, the meetings with the police and the lawyers...

Francis:
Don't forget the missing son.

Malcolm:
I'm going to find him!

Dewey:
Well, if anyone cares my flight number is five o...

Malcolm:
Oh, hi mom!

Francis:
Mom! You're home early!

Lois:
Yeap. Got fired.

Malcolm:
What?

Lois:
I gave someone two thousand dollars in change instead of twenty...

Reese:
[about to get his first Army haircut] OK, I was thinking something like this lifeguard. Is there a straight guy version of that, cause that would be perfect for me.

Sgt. Hendrix:
I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame.

Reese:
I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem, not just here, but my entire life. If I just do exactly what I'm told, and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.

Sgt. Hendrix:
You must be proud of yourself, son.

Reese:
I don't know if I am or not. I'm waiting for you to tell me.

Sgt. Hendrix:
[his voice begins to break with emotion] My God! A soldier like you comes along once in a thousand years.

Malcolm:
Can I have the potatoes?

Hal:
You can have anything you want son if you're willing to work for it, just reach for the stars and never let go. I should've told you that a long time ago. And when you write an angry letter hold on to it for a day, you might not feel the same in the morning, and NEVER invest in a friend's restaurant, never...

Hal:
When you tip the valet always fold your dollar up real tight, that way, by the time he sees what he's got, you're down the block!

Hal:
They should've just fired me! I was a terrible employee. I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off fridays. What the hell is wrong with those people?

Hal:
You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.

Lois:
Hal, has Jamie said anything in front of you yet?

Hal:
[panicked] Whatever he said, he's a liar, Lois. He hasn't seen anything.

Lois:
What are you talking about?

Hal:
[quietly panicked] What are *you* talking about?

Lois:
I'm worried about Jamie. He's - however old he is - and he hasn't said a word yet.

Hal:
I thought that's what we liked about him.

Jamie:
[after Lois spends most of the episode talking about her problems in an effort to encourage Jamie to start talking] Shut up!

Francis:
You don't belong here, you belong at home.

Reese:
All right, fine. Tell me one thing about my life that would be better if I still lived at home.

[next scene - Malcolm, Francis and Dewey are coming out of Reese's apartment]

Malcolm:
I thought the toilet-seat-never-needs-warming argument was pretty good.

Francis:
[on the telephone] They kicked Reese out again?

Dewey:
Yeah. We haven't heard from him in two days. I'm actually impressed. Usually by now, he's eating cat food off Mrs Harvey's porch.

Coach Oleski:
Malcolm, there you are. You know Ira James, right? All-State fullback, state single-season rushing record... Who'm I kiddin'. He's probably never even talked to you. Ira's graduating this year. He's got interests from six Division 1-A colleges. Full rides. The problem is, each school wants him to write a personal essay on his application.

Malcolm:
So...

Coach Oleski:
So, Ira's an idiot. I mean, hamster idiot. And that's only if we're talkin' about a really stupid hamster.

Ira:
Mom says I have other nice qualities.

Coach Oleski:
Since you're the smartest kid in school, I want you to help him write his essays.

Malcolm:
I wish I could, but I've got like three midterms next week.

Coach Oleski:
Look, you don't understand. Ira is a football player. That means when he needs somethin', it's up to you non-football kids to do it for him. The cheerleaders understand it. Look, I'll make it worth your while. I'll let you out of gym for the rest of the semester.

Malcolm:
I don't mind gym.

Coach Oleski:
[scoffing] Sure you don't, braniac!

Richie:
I'm proof you don't really need to graduate from high school. That's just propaganda from those money-grubbing diploma companies.

Malcolm:
Kathy, Hi

Kathy McCulskey:
Hey, [roles eyes at Donny] You didn't tell me there were gonna be other guys here.

Malcolm:
Yeah, well-

Kathy McCulskey:
Just because you read something on a bathroom wall, doesn't mean its true.

[Lois demands Hal get a vasectomy]

Hal:
Those parts mean a lot to me.

Lois:
You're not that guy, Hal. You never were that guy.

Hal:
When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

Francis:
[Malcolm and Reese want to get rid of some strangers in their house and call Francis for help, who talks to the leader] You don't want me to get the cops over here, do you? And I'm sure you don't want me to tell them who pulled over the water tower.

Donnie:
That was you, Francis.

Francis:
Really? So what about the highway overpass?

Donnie:
That was also you.

Francis:
Car wash? The sink hole!

Donnie:
All you!

Francis:
Well, you guys want to be in the house and I think that's ok.

[the guy closes the door]

Francis:
[to Malcolm and Reese] I think we gave them enough to think about.

Francis:
Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the guy who can't run fast.

Reese:
What's in the bag? Candles, chocolate-covered strawberries, "Sleepless in Seattle"... My God, you're gay.

Malcolm:
No I'm not. Look, I don't know how I did it, but I talked Kathy McCulskey into coming over tonight.

Reese:
Kathy McCulskey? I'm impressed. She doesn't leave her house for anything less than second base.

Lois:
Oh, Craig. Why'd you have to say that? Dear, sweet Craig... I am truly sorry. I'm sorry for the way you feel. I'm sorry for any indication I ever gave you that I consider you anything more than a friend. And I am SO sorry for what I have to do now! Because now I have to crush whatever it is in you that made you do what you just did. I am going to have to hurt you very, very badly, but believe me Craig, it's for your own good. Number one: NO to everything you just said. NO to what you're thinking. NO to everything you dream. NO to your what-ifs, NO to every single fantasy, wish, dream, and elaborate scenario that involves the two of us. NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Number two: [Lois injures Craig's wrist] REMEMBER THAT PAIN. Whenever a thought creeps into your head wondering if there's anything more to the "hello" I gave you in the morning, you remember that pain.

Hal:
I want Dewey to be proud of his old man.

[under his breath]

Hal:
One out of four wouldn't be so bad.

Hal:
One man's garbage is another man's anniversary present.

Malcolm:
My dad's like a total fanatic about skating. He doesn't even call it skating, he calls it the brotherhood of the wheel.

Stevie Kenarbin:
[after playing Hockey] Good... Game?

Malcolm:
[clearly out of breath] This... Sucks.

Stevie Kenarbin:
You... mocking me?

Malcolm:
No... tired.

Stevie Kenarbin:
Get... Skates.

Lois:
[Busting Reese on the intercom trying to drink from the milk carton] What are you doing?

Reese:
Nothing!

Lois:
Get a glass. [Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again] Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you *blue*, mister. Get a glass!

Reese:
All right! Okay!

Dewey:
Can I have some milk?

Lois:
Yes... but get a glass!

Dewey:
Okay.

Lois:
Good morning Reese; you going to get a job today?

Reese Wilkerson:
You know I had a job Mom and looking back on the whole experience I've come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. I am done with the job thing.

Lois:
I am sorry Reese but not working isn't one of your options.

Reese Wilkerson:
Okay I think I know what's going on here. Now look I want you to know that I am not criticizing you and Dad. You obviously don't mind wasting your lives doing meaningless repetitive tasks for unappreciative bosses. I respect that.

Lois:
Do you mind telling me what you intend to do?

Reese Wilkerson:
I'd like to finish my cereal.

Lois:
Alright Reese. That's it! I am tired of fighting you on this. Until you get a job, this free ride is over.

Lois:
It smells like dead squirrels in the wall again Hal. Oh my God it's you Reese! You smell like an open sewer!

Reese Wilkerson:
And whose fault is that?

Lois:
Yours. All you have to do to stop this nonsense is get a job.

Reese Wilkerson:
Excuse me but I think I made it pretty clear where I stand on that issue.

Lois:
Well you can't stay here like this.

Reese Wilkerson:
Is that an apology?

Lois:
No it is an invitation to live in the backyard.

[Malcolm has just beaten up a seven-year-old]

Malcolm:
I did something horrible. Don't you even care?

Hal:
Well, it's nothing to be proud of son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake.

Reese:
Besides it sends a good message to our enemies.

Malcolm:
What are you talking about? What enemies?

Reese:
Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this they'll know were capable of anything.

Malcolm:
can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap and no one understands. Even you. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.

Stevie:
And yet... you keep... talking.

Lois:
You know how your father feels about evil puppet movies.

Stevie:
What's that?

Malcolm:
A stripped car

Stevie:
What's that?

Malcolm:
A naked man arguing with the wall.

Stevie:
What's that?

Malcolm:
A nudy book store - with my dad coming out of it.

Francis:
[finds cadet Finley hiding] Finley, what are you doing in the cupboard?

Finley:
Poquito Cabeza!

Francis:
Get out of there, man.

Finley:
I can't. I've been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse! Poquito Cabeza!

Francis:
Brothers of the Apocalypse? It's ridiculous. It's five seniors with limited imaginations.

Finley:
Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say. You've got Stanley protecting you, and you're not holding Poquito Cabeza.

Francis:
Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza"?

Finley:
I can't. And I'm not coming out! Oh, could you turn in my math homework?

Francis:
[erasing Finley's name and writing his own] Poor Finley. He's good at math, right?

Finley:
[the gang removes him from the closet, chanting "Fin-ley, Boom-ba-yay. Fin-ley, Boom-ba-yay."] No, No, please, somebody help, please!

Stanley:
Stop. Fruit Loops? [Finley hands him a cereal box, and Stanley motions for the hazing to continue]

Finley:
[as gang carries him down the hall] Please, please, help me...

Malcolm:
Mom said you ratted on us about Dewey's bike. But she's probably just mixed up, right? Because you're our big brother and you wouldn't do something like that... Francis?

Francis:
You don't know what kind of pressure I was under. I...

Malcolm:
[shouts] You butt-wipe! How could you?

Salesman:
This may sound clich?, Hal, but what can I do to put you in that car today?

Hal:
You can give me $90,000.

Francis:
Put Justin on the phone.

Justin:
You the man, Francis! You the man!

Francis:
Put Richie back on the phone.

Malcolm:
Hey, you can tear up the house if you want - with my mom here - and explain it to her, or you can quit and slink away like the monosyllabic mouth-breathers you are.

Francis:
What did he say?

Richie:
He said a lot of things!

Malcolm:
You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis:
I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm:
But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis:
Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm:
Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis:
So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Reese:
I was really adopted, wasn't I?

Lois:
No, you're ours. And we love you.

Reese:
Damn.

Reese:
Guess what? I got another raise! Mr DeSilvio said that when I clean the gunk out of the rendering machine, I vomit less than anyone who's ever worked there.

Hal:
Awwh. I'm glad someone's career is on track.

Craig Feldspar:
Hey, Lois, you signin' up for softball?

Lois:
I don't need to sign up, Craig, I'm coaching the team this year.

Craig Feldspar:
You are?

Lois:
Yes. Stu was gonna do it, but his wife got born-again and ruined his Sundays.

Lois:
[coaching Malcolm on the Lucky Aide softball team] OK, remember. It's hips, then shoulders. It's just like that little dance you used to do in your underpants.

Stephanie:
[later, the daughter of one of the softball players teases Malcolm] So, can I see the underwear dance?

Malcolm:
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you... Would you?

Stephanie:
Slow down, we haven't even kissed yet.

Lois:
[Lois wants Malcolm on the practice field] Malcolm, let's go. We've got to get to your zit doctor before five o'clock.

Malcolm:
[mortified] Mom!

Lois:
What? Awhh, your friend doesn't care about that. Look at her face. She probably goes to the same doctor.

Hal:
[Hiding in a playhouse] You're an idiot. Everybody in this playhouse is an idiot.

Teen:
Ha ha, you just called yourself an idiot.

Dewey:
[eating carrot sticks] I don't know what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.

Malcolm:
OK, here's your book report. It's a guaranteed "A".

Reese:
Thank you.

Alison:
Oh, I totally forgot to do mine, and... and I can't afford to get another "F".

Reese:
No problem.

Reese:
[He tears the report in half] Now we'll both get "C"s.

Reese:
You can't make me take a bath. I'll go outside and roll in the mud, and I'll go to bed that way.

TV announcer (offscreen):
Get out your umbrellas. It's going to rain all weekend.

Reese:
Ah, shoot. I was going to go outside this weekend.

Alison:
Maybe the weather's better on Channel 7.

Reese:
[at home] Do you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references! Thank God, Telemarking has no standards. Basically, I get to harrass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love!

Reese:
[on the phone at his new job] Hello? I'm calling from Air Scrub Air Filters. No, n'no, don't put mommy on the 'phone. Just get her credit card.

Reese:
[later, Reese gets philosophical with a caller who is suicidal] Maybe life is like a roller coaster, and you only go down so you can have fun coming back up.

Lois:
You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.

Hal:
Dewey, what have I said about snitching?

Dewey:
Only snitch when asked to snitch.

[Malcolm learned to enjoy life and to stop thinking]

Francis:
[on the phone] Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?

Malcolm:
What's the flavor?

Francis:
I don't know.

Malcolm:
Is it chocolate?

Francis:
I don't know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it's chocolate?

Malcolm:
No. I just like chocolate.

Francis:
Uhh, Malcolm, you didn't find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?

Lois:
It's so nice to have a boy in the house who's not a rude little monster.

Reese:
Hey, was that a shot at me?

Lois:
Yes, honey. It was.

Francis:
Is there some scientific way to find out if something is pudding without actually tasting it?

Hal:
That's melba toast. If you can't make a sandwich out of that, you're just not trying hard enough.

Malcolm:
It's amazing all the different kinds of kids you meet when you're tutoring after school. In the last six weeks alone, I've met morons, idiots, lunkheads, jackasses and one imbecile.

Lois:
Malcolm, what are you walking like that?

Malcolm:
My side still hurts.

Lois:
But it's the weekend.

Commandant Spangler:
Ahh, passive resistance. The last resort for slackers and sissies.

Francis:
What about Ghandi?

Commandant Spangler:
Sissy.

Hal:
Dewey, don't be scared, but there is a big spider next to you.

Dewey:
Yeah dad, there's always a spider on bacon day.

Malcolm:
[to the camera] You know, I'm not feeling that good. I could give Dad some of mine, but that's not really in the true spirit of Bacon Day.

Dewey:
[the family is playing the board game March and Conquer] Guess what? We look just like the family on the box.

Hal:
Oh, yeah.

Dewey:
Can I be the little girl?

Hal:
Not on my watch, son.

Reese:
Dad, remember the chocolate souffl? I made for Thanksgiving two years ago?

Hal:
Oh, yeah, that was...

Reese:
RAT PUKE compared to what I have planned. The cr?pes I made last Thanksgiving?

Hal:
Oh, they were...

Reese:
CRAP next to what we're having tonight. Don't think of this as a meal. This is like eating the Mona Lisa.

Francis:
[sobbing] Don't tell me not to cry! Maybe my tears will make an ocean, and you can sail off on a boat to a new life without me!

Reese:
Dewey, do you trust me?

Dewey:
No.

Reese:
Do you fear me?

Dewey:
No.

[pause]

Dewey:
Not in the long run.

Hal:
[about Lois' meddling in Francis and Piama's marriage] Okay, I'm not smart enough to figure out what you're up to. But when something bad happens, I am blaming you.

Malcolm:
The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.

Lois:
Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

Malcolm:
I'm just saying, kids should not be blamed for how terrible their parents are. I mean, if Saddam Hussein had a son - well, maybe that's not the best example.

Reese:
Don't worry. If I'd wanted to beat you up, you'd all be hanging by your underpants by now.

Hal:
Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.

Reese:
Most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper; they've got no laws named after them. That's fine for most people, but I want more.

Lois:
[to Commandant Edwin Spangler who has an eyepatch] Hey, where's your eye?

Hal:
Look, Fats, I don't want you around my house no more.

Craig Feldspar:
Hey, you don't go to the fat thing and I won't go to the crazy thing.

Hal:
[sitting on Craig and patting his belly continuously] Say uncle!

Craig Feldspar:
No!

Hal:
Just say it! We can end this right now with a little dignity if you just say it. One simple word.

Craig Feldspar:
Duncle.

Hal:
Aha, you said duncle. Now you gotta say "uncle" in my butt.

Hal:
Yes, Mr. Jackson, there is a perfectly good reason why I did not come in to work today. Because, I decided that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just did not sound like much fun. Well, I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree.

Malcolm:
Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny?

Lloyd:
To be honest, you can be a little caustic.

Stevie:
The word... is arrogant.

Dabney:
How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? [Lloyd and Stevie turn to look at him]

Dabney:
[points somewhere] Hey, she's cute.

Rick:
Remember me? 'Moby Rick'? [sarcastic] That was so hilarious.

Malcolm:
I never called you Moby Rick. I called you Rickapotamus, although... [Rick punches him]

Dewey:
[after Reese loses to a female wrestler] Is Reese a girl now?

Malcolm:
No, Dewey, he's a lady.

Reese:
Shut Up!

Malcolm:
Sorry, ma'am.

Lois:
You brought a live grenade into my home. ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?

Grandpa Victor:
Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Hal:
Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for is not a loan. It's blackmail.

Grandma Ida:
He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.

Lois:
[about her parents] But at least we can be happy when they're gone.

Malcolm:
You mean when they drive back to Alaska?

Lois:
Yeah. That's what I meant.

Malcolm:
Grandma, I'm not going to hit you!

[turns to camera]

Malcolm:
No kid should ever have to say that.

[Francis is being pursued by a gang and calls home]

Francis:
[over answering machine] Mom. Dad. Sorry I gotta whisper, but I'm calling from inside a washing... Hey, guys. What are you doing with those quarters? No! No! NO!

[screams]

Malcolm:
When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now.

Lois:
[shocked] You want me to lie to you?

Hal:
It's not lying if what you say *would* be true if the facts were different.

Malcolm:
Dude, this book's totally wrecked. What'd you do to it?

Reese:
I threw it at a duck.

Malcolm:
Well, where's your math book?

Reese:
Which half?

Malcolm:
We'll just start with Geography.

Reese:
I don't take Geography.

Malcolm:
Yes you do, you got a grade in it.

Reese:
Ohhhh, that can't be good.

Mr. Woodward:
I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.

Lois:
You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.

Malcolm:
What?

Lois:
Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to Junior College, or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.

Mr. Woodward:
I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.

Francis:
[Francis appears at the kitchen window, screaming] Mom, please, let me come home. I'm cold and I'm hungry. Please. I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house, I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom, please, I want to be warm again.

Richie:
[as Francis moves into Richie's basement] Welcome to Chez Richie. Rule number one: There are no rules. Rule number two: No shoes on the sofa.

Boone Vincent:
You can't hold on to the past, Lois. You've got to live in the here and now. Because the here and now is a special, special gift. That's why I call it "The Present".

Reese:
Come on, Gordo, one more bite and it's all gone.

Dewey:
What are you doing with my rabbit?

Reese:
Just giving him his afternoon bacon.

Dewey:
He's too fat! You have to stop feeding him. I'm the one who has to sit through the Junior Farmers meetings while everyone makes fun of him.

Reese:
Those people are small-minded idiots who have no idea what we're trying to do.

Dewey:
What *are* we trying to do?

Reese:
I don't know. I kind of had this vision of me riding him through town, knocking over cars. But that's probably not realistic.

Otto Mannkusser:
[to Francis] No one expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection, I would have hired a robot. Or a Swede.

Sylvia:
Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.

Grandma Ida:
[saunters over to Sylvia] Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common law wife, I'm entitled to that pension.

Sylvia:
I really don't know what you're talking about.

Grandma Ida:
The truth will bust out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.

Lois:
[walks over to Ida] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave at one. God forbid me, I'll take off the wig off your head and everyone will see your TICK scars.

[Ida and Lois glare at each other for a few seconds before turning around to leave]

Grandma Ida:
It's not over.

[she leaves the house as Reese comes in]

Mr. Dietrich:
[facing Ida] We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family. But you're absolutely right, Manitoba law states that a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension. Even if you're not legally married, you'll still prevail in the case. Of course, you'd have to prove you're a common-law wife with DNA tests of children, lease in both your names, phone bills, that sort of thing. But I think you'd win.

Grandma Ida:
Finally a Canadian who isn't an idiot.

Mr. Dietrich:
The problem is, the pension's only $43.50 a month. Canadian. And what with hiring a lawyer, court costs, other expenses... it would all cost so much, I don't see you breaking even for 20 or 30 years. Do you think you'll live that long?

Lois:
God no! I mean... no.

Mr. Dietrich:
Well I don't think you'll be breaking even anytime soon.

Lois:
[faces Ida as Dietrich leaves] Well mom, you tried. Let's go.

Grandma Ida:
No, we're going to do this.

Lois:
Weren't you listening? He says you would lose money going after this thing.

Grandma Ida:
I don't care. We're going to get a lawyer.

Lois:
You really hate these people so much that you'll ruin yourself just to get even with them. It's stupid.

Grandma Ida:
[referring to Victor] He was my husband.

Lois:
You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor.

Grandma Ida:
What the hell are you talking about?

Lois:
You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?" And that way people will think that you care about their feelings, and then, they might care about yours.

Grandma Ida:
I know, brushka.

Lois:
Oh, my God. Is that a newspaper diaper?

[Malcolm, Reese and Stevie have been picked up by some girls who want to use them to make their boyfriends jealous]

Reese:
These girls want to fool around with us.

Malcolm:
Only because we're losers.

Reese:
Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.

Malcolm:
Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!

Reese:
I know.

Malcolm:
Then why are you...

Reese:
Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?". So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right.

Limo Driver:
Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?

Reese:
So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.

Hal:
Try to get Jamie to eat while I make a run for more diapers. If that nipple gets clogged, we've got some clean ones in the drawer. I'll only be gone ten minutes, and I don't want anything to go wrong during that time. I am trusting you boys are mature enough to handle this.

Reese:
[once Hal is gone, and the door is shut] He said nipple!

Kathy:
[through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?

Stevie Kenarban:
You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens. [Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray]

Malcolm:
What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?

Joanne:
Right now. With us. In that.

Reese:
[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!

Joanne:
[later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.

Malcolm:
You want to make them jealous?

Joanne:
No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.

Malcolm:
You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?

Limo Driver:
Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.

Commandant Spangler:
Once again, I waltz with Lady Victory. And until you focus, Francis, she is never going to be your dance partner.

Hal:
[Bursts into the boys room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?

Malcolm:
How?

Lois:
[background] Oh my God!

Malcolm:
What did you do?

Hal:
Yes or no? No questions asked!

Lois:
[background] Oh my GOD!

Malcolm:
Make it 10.

Hal:
OK. You're a good son.

Lois:
[background] OH MY GOD!

Hal:
[grabs Malcolm and opens the door] Don't worry honey. I got him!

Lois:
Honey, this is just a phase. Every teenager goes through it. I did, your father did; Francis cried in the shower every day for six months. Reese wouldn't get out of the dryer. It's awkward, and it's painful, and you think it's never going to end. Now get out of bed. We're going to the zoo.

Malcolm:
Why are we going to go stare at a bunch of pathetic, caged animals and fat suburban yahoos pointing and laughing at them?

Lois:
Because I have a coupon.

Reese:
I'm going to go hit the monkeys - I mean, go see the monkeys.

Clown #1:
Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now, buy a giraffe or go to hell.