Man Seeking Woman

Mike:
[Mike is on Tinder] No, no, no, fat, fat, ugly, fat. No, yes.

Josh Greenberg:
Does that thing actually work?

Mike:
Sex partner found! Hey where's Walcott and Cermack?

Josh Greenberg:
It's like eight blocks away.

Mike:
I can usually get it within five. Your place is remote man!

Liz:
[Liz has just set Josh up on a blind date] I talked you up OK. She's so well read. This is like a woman of substance.

Josh Greenberg:
Oh good. That's what's most important. And you know, all Mike wanted to know was "What's she look like"?

Liz:
That guy is disgusting.

Josh Greenberg:
He's so gross. But this girl tonight, what does she look like?

Liz:
[Josh isn't interested in the troll Liz has set him up with] Joshua, want to have a little look at yourself moment?

Josh Greenberg:
No, no, this is...

Liz:
Do you go to the gym?

Josh Greenberg:
Nope?

Liz:
Do you have a job?

Josh Greenberg:
I, uh, I'm a temp.

Liz:
OK, well how does that sound to a lady?

Josh Greenberg:
If she's a temp she'll like it.

Josh Greenberg:
I'm sorry, Liz.

Liz:
I'm not the one you should apologize to.

Bouncer:
You're making people uncomfortable.

Josh Greenberg:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Bouncer:
I'm not the one you should apologize to.

Josh Greenberg:
I'm sorry, Maggie.

Maggie:
I'm not the one you should apologize to.

Liz:
[while attending a seven year old's tea party] Katie, can you come out here for a sec?

Katie:
Yeah, what's wrong?

Liz:
[referring to the seven year old's] All of these girls are married?

Katie:
Yeah. Except for my little Janie here.

Jane:
I'm starting karate in the fall because, when you're single, it's really important to put yourself out there.

Liz:
Jane, you just need to enjoy being a seven year old. You'll have plenty of time to worry about icky boys when you're older.

Alice:
Yeah, but at the same time you don't want to wait too long.

Samantha:
I've heard that by third grade, it's a waste land.

Liz:
OK, don't listen to them Janie. Look at me. I'm way older than you and I'm not married

Alice, Samantha, Victoria, Jane:
[Gasping in unison] You're not married!

Liz:
[Having been told she's over the hill by 7 year old's] And by the way, twenty-nine is no where close to one million. You need to brush up on your math.

Victoria:
You're right, Liz. I'm not very good with numbers. But, even if you meet a guy today. And if you only date him for one year before you get engaged. And it takes you one year to plan the wedding. And it takes you at least one year to get pregnant. And you want to have at least two kids. And you want them to be at least two years apart. And you want to do all this before you turn forty, 'cause man, after that you're really playing with fire in terms of a whole host of fertility problems, then I'd say you really don't have a lot of time to meet this perfect mystery man. But like you said, I'm still learning math.