Mike Bassett: Manager

Local Press:
So, van Needlemans, are you happy joining Wirral?

Van Needlemans:
[Van Needlemans speaks Dutch to the press. Doddsy is behind him frantically flicking through a Dutch phrasebook while Mike looks suspiciously at van Needlemans]

Mike Bassett:
[jumping to conclusions] He's delighted!

Local Press:
Mike, your team's in disarray, your star player's injured and you've got to win your next game to stay up. It's a desperate situation isn't it?

Mike Bassett:
No, no, no, not at all. We also stay up if we draw and Mansfield lose or even if we both lose but they concede three more goals than us. Or if York City get beat by ten goals and the Scunthorpe game is abandoned so no, it's nicely poised.

Wirral Web Presenter:
I caught up with coach David Dodds, who was surprisingly upbeat.

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
To be fair I think we are starting to show some consistency.

Wirral Web Presenter:
Were bottom of the league.

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
Yeah, yeah but we are consistently bottom of the league. So the only way is up.

Wirral Web Presenter:
Unless we get relegated.

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
Yeah, as you say that would be further down again. Good point. Good point.

Mike Bassett:
[Sat in the stands on phone to coach Doddsy after being sent off] Hello Doddsy, can you hear me lad?

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
Loud and clear boss.

Mike Bassett:
OK look, tell Jeremy to tuck in on the left.

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
What?

Mike Bassett:
Tell Jeremy to tuck in on the left. Hang on a minute [Wife Karine calls on another phone and now has a phone on either ear] Sorry love, I can't talk now I'm in the middle of a game.

Karine Bassett:
I'm locked out Mike and I'm meant to be cutting someone's hair in five minutes.

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
Middle of the game boss?

Mike Bassett:
What?

Karine Bassett:
Have you got the spare keys?

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
You want Jeremy in the middle?

Mike Bassett:
No on the left.

Karine Bassett:
On the left of what?

Mike Bassett:
No I'm talking to Doddsy love, just try round the back.

Karine Bassett:
I have it's locked.

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
Jeremy round the back boss.

Mike Bassett:
Will you shut up!

Karine Bassett:
Don't tell me to shut up Mike!

Mike Bassett:
No, not you love. Look. go next door and try and get them off the neighbours.

David "Doddsy" Dodds:
Get him off, bring on Neighbours. Got it boss, will do. [Ends phone call]

Mike Bassett:
Not Neighbours! He's injured you bloody idiot!

Karine Bassett:
I am not a bloody idiot Mike. [Hangs up]

Mike Bassett:
I'm not talking to you love. Jesus!

Mike Bassett:
We've conceded in under five seconds!

Richard Johnson:
Already breaking records eh Mike.

Mike Bassett:
[At Chairman Sir Denzil Quartermaine who is paralysed having had a heart attack] Keep smiling eh Sir Denzil. Never say die. Sir Denzil? [Sir Denzil's body flops forward] Sir Denzil? Bloody hell he's done a Jock Stein on me!

Ernie Rouse:
Deal of the century Michael, deal of the century. It's a loan signing from Ajax.

Mike Bassett:
Oh is that the football team or the scouring powder people?

Mike Bassett:
[On phone to Barcelona manager Frank Rijkaard] Mr Rijkaard, Mike Bassett. No I got the chop from the England job four years ago. I'm with er, I'm with Wirral County now. As I was saying I'm making a speculative call to see if you want to offload any er [laughs] No, I can assure you Frank this is not a wind up. I am not Jose Mourinho putting on a funny voice! Oh come on stop shouting Frank mate, come on, be reasonable!