Mortified

Taylor:
Hector, what do my clothes say about me? [poses]

Hector:
They say you go to school.

Taylor:
No, about *me*?

Hector:
They don't say anything about you. You're you, and you're wearing a school uniform.

Taylor:
Marj? Can I ask you a question?

Mystic Marj:
Fire it away, Taylor.

Taylor:
What do *your* clothes say about you?

Mystic Marj:
I'm at the lower end of the economic spectrum? Why do you ask?

Taylor:
Well, you read tea leaves. So, don't people expect you to dress in a certain way?

[Taylor imagines Saint Joan of Ark in her room after having kicked out her parents and sister]

Saint Joan:
Psst. Were they the English army?

Taylor Fry:
No. Worse. My family. You thought you had problems.

Saint Joan:
What's your name?

Taylor Fry:
Taylor.

Saint Joan:
Taylor who?

Taylor Fry:
Taylor Fry.

Saint Joan:
Taylor Fry?

Taylor Fry:
I know. Sounds like a... fish dish?

Glenda Fry:
Year six disco is a rite of passage. I remember mine. I wore purple flares.

[Taylor and Layla glare at each other in disbelief]

Glenda Fry:
You could almost wear the same thing now. It's a pity I don't still have 'em.

Taylor:
Yeah, bummer!

Layla:
You could probably find a pair in the museum.

Taylor:
Doesn't matter anyway. I'm not going, remember?

Glenda Fry:
Come on. [thinking] I'll take you shopping. It's a special mother-daughter moment, shopping for your first dance.

Taylor:
No way.

Glenda Fry:
Come on, Taylor, you know you want to.

Layla:
[sarcastically] Yeah, Taylor, you know you want to.

Taylor:
No. Not a chance. Not ever. I'm not going to the disco, I'm not going shopping with you, no way, not a chance, never!

[Cut to Taylor and Glenda at the shopping mall]

Taylor Fry:
Christmas, in most families, is fun. But in my family, it's practically an excuse for Dad to be even more embarrassing than usual.

Taylor Fry:
Who else on the planet has to put up with their Mum dressing up in a koala suit? Could there be anything more embarrassing? [Don and Glenda, wearing said koala suit, kiss in the front yard]

Glenda Fry:
[to Taylor] Your father isn't himself at Christmas.

[Brittany's campaign song]

Brittany's Cheer Squad, Brittany's Cheer Squad, Brittany's Cheer Squad:
[singing] Brittany, she's for me, she loves her school down by the sea. She's for you as much as me, Brittany, Brittany. B-R-I-T-T-A-N-Y.

Taylor Fry:
So, you think I could really win?

Hector:
Of course you win. Melissa was boring. And Brittany's campaign was a complete dud.

[pause, Hector hums Brittany's campaign song]

Taylor Fry:
Complete dud, huh?

Hector:
Well, it is kinda catchy.

Taylor Fry:
Yes, so's the flu.

Glenda Fry:
[to Layla] Your father's dark side only surfaces at Christmas.

Layla:
[to Taylor] School captains are nerds. Lucky you lost.

Taylor Fry:
You know, I'm glad I didn't get school capatain... sort of.

Brittany:
Me too.

Taylor Fry:
But... I'm a bit disappointed.

Brittany:
I'm not. [pause] My parents are. It was their idea all that stuff. I didn't wanna do it. How stupid am I telling them I was nominated? Duuhhh, Brittany.

[Each student in Taylor's class is assigned a first grader to look after like their little brother or sister]

Taylor Fry:
[excited] Oh, excellent, I've always wanted a sister.

Hector:
You already have a sister.

Taylor Fry:
No no no no, one that I actually like.

[Taylor tries to talk to Alicia, the first grader supposed to be her "little sister", but Alicia ignores her]

Taylor Fry:
Great. I'm even invisible to a little kid.

Alicia:
[upset] I'm not little. [cries]

Layla Fry:
Okay, dork, what are you doing?

Taylor Fry:
Uhm... we were just... uhm...

Hector:
Leaving. [they look at each other and leave]

Taylor Fry:
We're never gonna learn how to surf until we can actually get out into the water.

Hector:
[speaking to Butch, the school rabbit] Funny how it's always "we".

Taylor Fry:
[about going to high school] It's the scariest thing I've ever had to face. [pause, Don is overheard making a screaming sound] Besides my family.

Mrs. Della Costa:
Now, Taylor, what would you hope to learn in an educational environment like ours?

Taylor Fry:
A sense of tolerance. Something that I think is underrated today. Not just in schools, but in the rest of society as well.

Mrs. Della Costa:
Go on.

Taylor Fry:
But the thing is, Miss, I don't think I'd find too much tolerance, here. This seems like a place where students acquit to judge others by their appearance only. I mean, they may seem to be doing the right thing on the outside, behaving in a certain way, but on the inside they're just big mouths, small minds, snobs.

Taylor:
[screaming] *Ew*, what is that?

Glenda Fry:
My super home-mix de-stress aromatherapy ointment, it's amazing.

Taylor:
Oh, it stinks!

Glenda Fry:
I can't believe my little girl's old enough to go to high school.

Taylor:
I can't believe you're rubbing that stuff on me.

Glenda Fry:
Thank me later.

Miriam:
This year, there's six year seven classes. So let's see: 130 divided by six... 21.6 students per class.

Taylor:
I'm pretty sure I'm the point six.

[Taylor laughs about her own joke, while Miriam apparently does not get it]

Taylor:
[running from her house, shouting] Hector! Hector! Quick! I'm in danger.

Hector:
What sort of danger?

Taylor:
Death by aromatherapy. It's a killer.

[Taylor dreams about herself in a prison when she and Layla have to share Layla's room]

Taylor Fry:
[yelling] I've got to get out of this prison.

Hector:
Don't panic, everything will be alright. I baked you a cake.

Taylor Fry:
Is there a file in it?

Hector:
I knew I forgot something.

Don Fry:
How's your new room, sweetheart?

Taylor Fry:
Oh, you mean the mouse cage? It will be better when the exercise wheel's installed.

Glenda Fry:
You seem a little tired, pumpkin. Maybe I should give you a massage.

[Taylor runs away in panic]

Taylor:
Dad, heaps of people make sculptures of themselves. Why does Mum have to do it in the nude? I mean, seriously: she needs help.

Don Fry:
Help? Did you say "help"?

Taylor:
[reluctantly] Yes.

Don Fry:
[enthusiastically] Then kindly raise your hand in the internationally recognized signal of distress.

[Taylor reluctantly raises her hand]

Taylor:
I know. I can develop a rare disease. Taylor Syndrome! I'll break out huge weeping sores, mystify the doctors.

Hector:
You already do.

Taylor:
Huh?

Hector:
[pointing his finger to his temple, indicating that Taylor is crazy] Cu-ckoo.

Glenda Fry:
[to Don] But it was *you* who saved our little girl.

Taylor:
Yeah, it won't happen again.

Layla Fry:
[addressing Taylor and Hector] When do you dorks want dinner?

Taylor Fry:
We're not dorks.

[Layla glares at her]

Taylor Fry:
[takes off a cow mask she was wearing] Well, I'm not.

[Taylor and Hector have to show a model in class that Taylor has finished in the last minute with Layla's help]

Hector:
[to Taylor] I could have made a better model in my sleep. What the... what the heck...

Mrs. Harvey:
[looking at the model] Good dimensions. Nice use of materials. I really like how you've captured the rustic look of the ancient Roman kitchen.

Hector:
[enthusiastically] Yes, that's what we were going for, the rustic look.

Mrs. Harvey:
It's very accurate.

Hector:
[self-satisfied] We tried.

[Taylor glares at him]

Hector:
What?

Taylor Fry:
[imitating Hector] That's what we were going for, the rustic look.

Hector:
Hey! [pause] My voice is not that high.

Glenda Fry:
[to Layla, who has cleaned the house while the parents were away] Who are you, and what have you done with our daughter?

[first lines]

Taylor:
In exactly one minute, my life will end.

Taylor:
Why can't my Mum be like everyone else's? I mean... Why can't she be a nurse?... or a teacher?... or a nursing teacher?... somewhere in Africa.

Taylor:
I know what you're thinking: my life is seriously bad, eh? But it gets worse... much worse. See that big canary over there in the red undies? Well, that's my Dad...

Taylor:
Dad, why're you dressed like that?

Don Fry:
Well, it's underpants awareness day. I'm launching a global celebration of underpants.

Taylor:
There's a reason why they're called *under*pants.

Taylor:
If I was to ask you something important, would you tell me the truth?

Layla:
No.

Taylor:
Was I adopted?

Layla:
No, Taylor, you weren't adopted. You were constructed from Play-Do, that's why you're so brainless... and ugly.

Taylor:
[speaking to Hector] No way I'm related to that thing.

Taylor Fry:
Oh, in case you're wondering: "Layla" is an ancient Gaelic name, for boy magnet. Whereas my name, "Taylor Fry", is old Norse for [scoffs twice] bony fish dish.

[Talking about Taylor's parents]

Taylor Fry:
Tell me they can't be doing this to me.

Hector:
They're doing this to you.

Taylor Fry:
This can't be happening.

Taylor Fry:
Leon.

Leon:
What?

Taylor Fry:
I have to explain. It's about my parents. [pause, thinking hard] See, my Dad has this brain injury. It makes him do things. Behave like a lunatic. [pause, thinking hard again] And Mum hasn't been the same since the tree fell on her.

Leon:
[not really listening] Yeah?

Taylor Fry:
It took six chain saws to get her out.

Taylor Fry:
So this is it. This is how my life will end. The cause of death: Public humiliation. Could the death of Taylor Fry have been prevented? [changing her voice] I'm afraid not, your honour. The victim's mother wore a midriff top. She belly-danced... in front of the whole school.

Taylor Fry:
[introducing Brittany to the audience] That's Brittany. She's practically perfect. Perfect teeth. Perfect nose. Perfect eyes... even her parents are perfect.

Taylor Fry:
Did I mention Brittany's house is perfect, too. And guess what? It just so happens to be right next door to mine.

[last lines]

Taylor Fry:
[to Hector, about Leon] Don't you hate it, when a person you really really like just thinks you're a dork?

Taylor Fry:
[speaking to Skinny Vinny, the greyhound] So, uh... been in the racing game long?

[upon looking through the Fry family's photo album]

Hector:
Your hair looks great in that picture.

Glenda Fry:
That's Don.

Taylor:
[speaking to the audience] In case you've forgotten, that big suck with the perfectly styled hair is my sister Layla. First word she ever spoke was "me".

Layla:
Give that to me.

Taylor:
Since then not a lot's changed.

Hector:
I thought you were supposed to respect all living things.

Taylor:
[laughs] A salami is not a living thing.

Hector:
[sarcastically] Right.

[first lines]

Taylor:
[Speaking to the audience] Between you and I, this morning, I woke up with a vision. I'm going to be good.

[pause]

Taylor:
No, I *really* am.

Layla:
What are we watching?

Taylor:
Mum and Dad's wedding video.

Layla:
Ah, gross!

Hector:
See?

Taylor:
Great. My unmarried parents are kissing. Thanks for pointing that one out.

Taylor:
Mum? Dad?

Glenda Fry, Don Fry:
Hm?

Taylor:
Have you guys ever considered making a longterm legal commitment to each other?

Don Fry:
We've already done that, squirt. It's called a mortgage.

Don Fry:
I'd like to dedicate this sonate to my beautiful Glenda.

Taylor:
[talking to the audience] Notice how he didn't say "my beautiful *wife* Glenda"?

Taylor:
This is just great. My life is over, finished, kaputt!

[Hector has just agreed to be the ring-bearer at Don's and Glenda's wedding]

Taylor:
You've gone to the dark side, Hector. You're supposed to be my friend.

Hector:
Why do you always do this?

Taylor:
Do what?

Hector:
This! Make everything into a big drama?

Taylor:
Because it *is* a big drama?

Taylor:
This is a disaster. My life is ruined. Seriously, utterly, totally ruined.

Hector:
[Ignoring her] Do you think I should *spike* my hair?

[applying for a student exchange program, shortly before her parents' wedding]

Taylor:
I've said my goodbyes, and I'm ready to start my student exchange as soon as possible, as far away as possible, I was thinking Swaziland or Zaire?