Mrs. Brown's Boys

Agnes Brown:
Dermot, what's a blow job?

Dermot Brown:
20 quid, mammy.

Agnes Brown:
They change the fecking language every day!

Agnes Brown:
Granddad is the cupboard having a sh*t!

Agnes Brown:
And as for you, ya fifty pence pole dancer!

Hilary Nicholson:
Is that the very best you can do?

Agnes Brown:
No, I feel sorry for the f***ing pole!

[last lines]

Agnes Brown:
What a week, neh he he he. Jacko in a heap at the bottom of the escalator. Mrs Murphy upset about my little kissogram at her husband's funeral. And Granddad sh*t a nucular bomb. Isn't life a fecking rollercoaster? Good night!

Agnes Brown:
[looking at a toilet] Oh, look, there's a chip gone out of this. Someone must have sh*t a brick.

Agnes Brown:
How's your drink?

Hilary Nicholson:
It tastes like cider.

Agnes Brown:
It is. Bulmers.

Hilary Nicholson:
I asked for champagne.

Agnes Brown:
Well you can f*** off.

Rory Brown:
Mammy, what's wrong?

Agnes Brown:
Deano is wearing suspenders! Oh Rory, I think he's a trans-testicle!

[Buster is being sick in the closet toilet and Rory knocks on the door]

Rory Brown:
[thinking it's Mammy] Are you in there?

Buster Brady:
Yes!

Rory Brown:
Mammy, you need to know, I'm gay. I love Deano and I want the world to know. Are you upset?

[Buster throws up and Rory becomes upset]

Rory Brown:
Oh Mammy I knew you'd take it hard! But please try to think of my happiness!

[Buster throws up again and Rory falls to the floor, crying]

Rory Brown:
Oh Mammy! How can I be happy? Please try to think of me!

Agnes Brown:
[arriving] Well you can get off the fecking floor for starters.

[Rory screams]

Agnes Brown:
[startled] What is wrong with you?

Rory Brown:
Mammy, I need to come out of the closet!

Agnes Brown:
Wait till Buster finishes to go in first!

Grandad Brown:
[pointing to the turkey in the living room] What's he doing here alive?

Agnes Brown:
He's probably looking at you thinking the same fecking thing!

[after failing to kill the turkey]

Buster Brady:
I couldn't do it! He said my name! "Bub-bub Buster!"

Agnes Brown:
Stuff the turkey's ass with holly, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Agnes Brown:
[to Grandad, while trying to climb down a shelf] See, I didn't fecking need ya! Oh sh*t!

[falls from the shelf]

Rory Brown:
Danger is my middle name.

Dino Doyle:
Bond. James Bond!

Agnes Brown:
Off. F*** off!

Agnes Brown:
[answering the phone] Hello? [pause] Kieron? Here, it's for you. [hands the phone to the show's cameraman]

Agnes Brown:
[phone is ringing] Is that your phone?

Cathy Brown:
No.

Agnes Brown:
Of course not. You wouldn't bring your phone into the f***ing studio. IT'S OUR PHONE!

Agnes Brown:
[answers it] Hello? For f***'s sake, Kieron. [hands it to the cameraman again]

Agnes Brown:
I had four donuts before you walked in the door

Winnie McGoogan:
But that'll kill ya

Agnes Brown:
I don't give a shite I won't be carrying the coffin

Buster Brady:
Oh, that Robin.

Agnes Brown:
Who's Robbin'

Buster Brady:
Me.

Agnes Brown:
You wanna give that up son.

Dermot Brown:
No Mammy, he not going to be robbin', he's going to BE Robin.

Agnes Brown:
When?

Dermot Brown:
In a few days.

Agnes Brown:
He's not robbin today.

Dermot Brown:
Obviously.

Agnes Brown:
Be he's going to be robbin' and you think thats alright?

Dermot Brown:
Mammy, you're getting confused.

Buster Brady:
Dermot, can I explain?

Dermot Brown:
This should be good.

Buster Brady:
You see Mrs Brown, Robin is good and I'm going to be Robin, so if I'm Robin Robin, then there will be no robbin' because Robin he's not into robbin'

Agnes Brown:
Like Batman and Robin.

Buster Brady:
Yeah.

Dermot Brown:
Seriously? You got it from that?

Agnes Brown:
I thought it was perfectly clear.

Agnes Brown:
You've heard of Doctor Dolittle. There goes Doctor Do F*** All.

[Dermont Brown sadly walks past Agnes dressed as a penguin]

Agnes Brown:
There goes Happy Feet.

Agnes Brown:
What do you want, Grandad?

Grandad Brown:
I don't feel well.

Agnes Brown:
You're ninety-two, you're not supposed to f***ing feel well!

Dr. Flynn:
[examining Grandad] I'm afraid I'll have to do a rectal reading.

Agnes Brown:
Ooh.

Dr. Flynn:
Can you help me, Mrs Brown?

Agnes Brown:
[ecstatic] With f***ing pleasure!

[blows air into a rubber glove]