My Secret Identity

[Andrew and Kirk are at the police station waiting to be assigned to an officer for the "ride-along" program]

Andrew Clements:
This is gonna be great!

Kirk Stevens:
It's gonna be boring.

Andrew Clements:
How can you say that?

Kirk Stevens:
Because this is suburbia. Nothing ever happens in suburbia. Except when I take dates to Lookout Point.

Andrew Clements:
When that happens it's not exciting. It's a miracle.

Andrew Clements:
[entering Dr. J's lab] Okay, Dr. J. I give up. Where are you?

Kirk Stevens:
[out of Andrew's sight around a corner] That's what I'd like to know.

Andrew Clements:
Kirk! Don't scare me like that!

Kirk Stevens:
How would you like me to scare you?

[Andrew and Kirk set out on a motorbike to look for Dr. J]

Andrew Clements:
It was real nice of Jimmy to lend this to you.

Kirk Stevens:
Well, he's a considerate guy and uh - I didn't ask him.

[Andrew and Kirk approach a secure compound where they suspect Dr. J is being held against his will]

Kirk Stevens:
Where do you think they're keeping him?

Andrew Clements:
Probably behind that six-foot barbed wire fence.

Kirk Stevens:
I knew that, but I meant where in there?

Andrew Clements:
I don't know. I left the seating chart at home.

[Knuckles comes across Nick and Sweetface embracing inside Slimeball's Tropicabana Club]

Kirk Stevens:
You know, the boss ain't gonna be *too* choked up when he finds out the hired help is playin' tonsil hockey with the fuzz. [snickers]

Andrew Clements:
You're not scaring anyone, Knuckles.

Jennifer:
Yes he is.

Kirk Stevens:
So copper, you gettin' any free doughnuts lately? [snickers]

Andrew Clements:
[grabs Knuckles by the collar] Remember this good Knuckles, 'cause I'm only gonna say it once. I never took a free doughnut in my life.

Kirk Stevens:
Okay, okay.

Andrew Clements:
Where's the Slimeball?

Kirk Stevens:
He'll be right in. He's, uh, just paying the cabbie. [snickers]

[gunshots are heard outside the club]

Kirk Stevens:
[shrugs] He's a big tipper. [snickers and walks away]

[Slimeball bursts into the club brandishing a gun and flanked by two henchmen. The patrons recoil in horror]

Dr. Benjamin Jeffcoate:
What's everybody so scared about? It was just a car backfiring. [blows smoke from his gun and cackles]

Dr. Benjamin Jeffcoate:
Relax. [holsters his gun] I'm all outta tips.

Kirk Stevens:
Wet bar, your honor.

Judge Daley:
Pardon?

Norman Heintz:
I believe he means sidebar.

Judge Daley:
You may approach the bench.

Kirk Stevens:
Your honor, he is tainting the jury's impartiality with this melodrama. Heinous, shocking criminal act? Please! In fact, all the evidence here is entirely circumstantial. I motion for an immediate dismissal.

Judge Daley:
Fervently argued and well said, Mr. Stevens. Dismissal denied. But do go on, Norman.

Norman Heintz:
[leaving the bench] I always thought you were a screw-up, Stevens.

Kirk Stevens:
That's my best bud you're trying to convict here, Norman.

Kirk Stevens:
Objection, your honor! Prosecution is bludgeoning the witness. [laughter from the courtroom]

Judge Daley:
He's *badgering* the witness.

Kirk Stevens:
Then you noticed it too!

Andrew Clements:
[Kirk has just made a ridiculous objection which was shot down by the judge] Kirk, what are you doing?!

Kirk Stevens:
When the facts are in your favor you pound the facts. When the law is in your favor you pound the law. When neither is in your favor you pound the table. Basic Law 101.

Andrew Clements:
[the prosecution has introduced exhibits which are very damaging to Andrew] Kirk, can't you do anything?

Kirk Stevens:
Right now the most I can get him on is bad penmanship.