NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service

[about laws changing over time]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Politicians have their time table, I have mine.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I'd like to think it's me

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Are you finished?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, I haven't even started yet.

[repeated line]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You think, DiNozzo?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What are you McDoing, McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Working on Kales phone records.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Thought you already McDid-That?

[repeated line]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[making fun of Gibbs to a co-worker, who doesn't respond] He's standing right behind me, isn't he.

Abby Sciuto:
I am the Energizer bunny of forensic science: I never sleep and I never give up.

[Tony's nicknames for Agent McGee]Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
McCheat - McChittyChat - McContrary - McCranky - McDetail - McEgghead - McFlabby - McFlowerPower - McFreaky - McGarnagle - McGecko - McGeek - McGiggles - McGnome - McGoo - McGoogle - McGPS - McGruff - McGullable - McKilljoy - McLawyer - McLovin' - McMuse - McMotherboard - McNerd - McPanic - McProbious - McRomeo - McScout - McShipmate - McSnapper - McSneaky - McSofty - McTardy - McTim - McZeroSpecial Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie - Probalicious - Probie-Wan Kanobie - Daniel McBoone - The Great McOz - Elf Lord

Officer Ziva David:
Well, you know what they say. You cannot make an omelet without breaking a few legs

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
She's never making me breakfast.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Uh, Ziva, it's 'without breaking a few eggs.'

Office Worker:
What are you people doing?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[plain] Seizing your files.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
[Bishop has IDed the victim] Did you say Lt. Commander Runyon Hayes?Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do you know him?Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, I need a word with you.[Ducky leads him a few feet away]Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm afraid I must recuse myself from this case.Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't follow.Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, because I know far more about this man's murder than I care to admit.

Ziva David:
Ha ha ha. That was very funny. He would never call you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Actually, he just did.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[McGee's phone rings] Uh, I've got a private number coming through here. Think it may be Ray.

Ziva David:
Ignore. Hit ignore.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Better hope he doesn't call Gibbs.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Gibbs enters] Too late.

Jimmy Palmer:
[after encountering a classmate at a crime scene] She was very shocked to see me here. What's the big deal? So I work on dead bodies.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Or worked.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
It's our crime scene, detective.

Metro Detective Robert Flowers:
Come here, Nick. Nick.

Metro Detective Nick Burris:
MAYA!

Metro Detective Robert Flowers:
[Pulling his partner back] He's Detective Nick Burris - her husband.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Go home. Sober up.

Metro Detective Nick Burris:
I'm not going anywhere.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Long pause] DiNozzo - conference room.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[DiNozzo escorts Burris to the conference rooms, he passes Flowers] Nice work, Flowers.

Metro Detective Robert Flowers:
Like I said bulldog.

Metro Detective Nick Burris:
Whoever, uh, did this has to pay.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Let us do our job, detective.

Metro Detective Nick Burris:
If you don't, I will.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Seeing him reminded you of your upcoming vows. "Til death do us part."

Jimmy Palmer:
[Palmer chuckles] Those words... they're so serious. Why - why can't it be something more fun like uh "Until we meet again" or "Until the next sunrise" or uh "Until you lose all your hair and gain 300 pounds and I can't stand to look at your anymore." [Palmer chuckles] You know, I'm kidding. Love is blind.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
This is the most wonderful time of your life - enjoy it. [Gibbs enters] Hopefully, you'll only do it once.

Metro Detective Nick Burris:
I think you don't have a clue how it feels to lose the one you love.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You're wrong.

Ziva David:
I did not say no. I just have to make sure that I am ready. That we are *both* ready.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Nobody's ready for marriage - trust me. If they were, the divorce rate wouldn't be 50% - not to mention the murder rate.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ah, but I killed the proposal. Should've seen it. Rocked the tuxedo. Set out the candles. I even managed to shed a tear.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Gibbs enters] Something you want to share, DiNozzo?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, not really, boss. But hey, you should be getting ready to play Father of the Bride. I'd base it on the Spencer Tracy classic - and skip the Steve Martin.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah? I'm happy for you, Ziva.

Ziva David:
Ha. I did not exactly say "yes" so... it's not exactly official.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
It will be if it's right.

Metro Detective Nick Burris:
She was in trouble, wasn't she? Yeah... Why didn't she tell me?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
We protect who we love.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Ziva rushes to the elevator after noticing the phone number] Ziva, where you going?

Ziva David:
Do not try to stop me, Gibbs. I have something to do.

Ray Cruz:
[Ziva walks to Ray] There you are. Where are your bags?

[Ziva punches Ray in the face]

Ziva David:
Now you have my answer.

Ray Cruz:
Enough! *I*don't want to talk about this anymore. I made mistakes. What's done is done. Now, I just want to go back to being the man I used to be before all this - the man you fell in love with.

Ziva David:
That man is gone!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You'll find somebody, someday.

Ziva David:
I'm not sure I want to. I do not think, uh, children and marriage are part of the plan for me right now and I am fine with that. Perfectly... perfectly content with my life.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Content, but are you happy?

Ziva David:
Are you?

Metro Detective Nick Burris:
That's good. That's, uh, real good, you hang on to that. You never know when you'll need somebody to be there. Cherish each other, that's all I'm saying. Everyday. [Tony and Ziva smile at each other]

Navy Captain Thomas Lind:
I'm trying to get this ship underway. What the Hell's so important the XO can't come to me? Where's the Commander? Is there a problem, Mr. Howard?

Navy Ensign David Howard:
I just found him. [the Captain sees the body]

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
I spoke with your in-house psych service unit. No time for them either. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding us.

Leon Vance:
Our case takes priority.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Some would say that's uh, shortsighted.

Leon Vance:
Well, the victim's family wouldn't.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
I promise that I won't be intrusive. I prefer to be out in the field when I evaluate, so your team should not experience any down time. It, uh, should be painless.

Leon Vance:
Oh, I'm not worried about them. *You* on the other hand.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Skin's thicker than it looks. So who should I start with?

Leon Vance:
Pardon?

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
In your opinion, who has the most to talk about?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Tony, you may want to stop acting like a jackass.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That's not an ass. It's hor... hor... I can explain, Sir! [DiNozzo turns around and notices Vance and Cranston]

Leon Vance:
Settle in, Doctor. This should be good.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
All of you, make some time for the Doctor. Director Vance's orders.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What are we supposed to talk about?

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Well, believe it or not, most people talk about their sex lives.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That rules Tim out.

Ziva David:
Dedication is important to me.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Hasn't that been something that, uh, you've been juggling your whole life?

Ziva David:
I-I-I do not know what you mean.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Juggling dedication to uh, family, to country, to job.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
The-the thing that puzzles me, with all this change, alligence to country, of the types of me you're drawn to: what is it that you're looking for? What is it that you want?

Ziva David:
[Long pause] I want... something... permanent. Something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
I know you historically have issues with uh, professional women.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
No, I like women. I just don't like it when they ask a lot of questions.

Abby Sciuto:
Trust me, honey. You don't have enough hours in the day.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
I'll find the time, Miss Scuito. Don't you worry.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Well, you aren't gettting any younger. I'm sure you recognize the irony of quietly facing the dead everyday.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Not only do I recognize the irony, I embrace it.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
I thought you said the suspect was still on board the Colonial.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
He is but it's still protocol to check. Didn't I tell you to wait outside?

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Psychiatrists never listen.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
I have nothing to criticise. You are so totally grounded in self-confidence. You make goth look... gorgeous and fun.

Abby Sciuto:
I'm not a goth. I'm a... scientist.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
And a great one. But you work too hard. Is there any Abbey time?

Abby Sciuto:
I make sandwhiches for the Shelter on Sundays.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
That's not relaxing.

Abby Sciuto:
I drive for the food bank.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
All work and no play.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
[DiNozzo looking at the victim in the morgue] What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Man works his whole life. Dedicates himself to his job. And he has nothing to show for it.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
How does that make you feel?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
...Afraid.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you that.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Long pause] I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
Still one agent I haven't spoken to yet.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Well, that's not gonna happen.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
I forgot, you're perfect.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
No, I'm not. I'm just too set in my ways to change now.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
You've been better at letting go than I have.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You don't forget. You just move on.

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
[Vance is reading the Doctor's report] "Director Vance, spending time with your agents has been... enlightening to say the least. In clinical terms, they're a disaster. But their selfless disfunction is ultimately why it works. It's clear to me that we all react to life's challenges in different ways. Some fight death. And some embrace its solace. Some recognize their fate, and others do whatever is necessary to alter it. Sometimes we defy other's expectations and occassionally we rise to meet them. But the constant is being true to ourselves. We do what we have to when we have to. We react for better or worse. It's why your team succeeds. But be careful, eventually it might catch up to you. A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun."

Min Ho Kwon:
How can I prove my innocence?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
An alibi would be nice.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Commander Reynolds was killed last night at approximately 2am.

Min Ho Kwon:
I was in my stateroom.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Doing what?

Min Ho Kwon:
My actions are not your concern.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
On a U.S. Naval vessel, they sure as hell are! You're about to be accused of murdering an American officer. Do you understand what's at stake here?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[with Dr. Cranston in his basement] Stand right here. Right there. Look down. You feel that? Right there?

Dr. Rachel Cranston:
What?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure.

[flashback of Ziva killing Ari]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Now the rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.

Denise Johnson:
Well a lot of husbands leave a trail when they come home. I was constantly picking up after him.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
DiNozzo, was there something in my tone of voice that made that sound like a suggestion?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[DiNozzo sees a car he loves in the victim's garage] You're not gonna start giving me all the vital stats on this car, are you?

Anthony DiNozzo:
Thunderball. She's got a...

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Let me rephrase that, DiNozzo. You're *not* going to give me the vital stats on this car.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
[DiNozzo suggests she rappelle to get a sense of what the victim did in his last few moments of life] No. No way!

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[helping Kate in her gear] You'll do fine. Alright, push this down, and clamp it onto your harness, like that. There we go.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Okay. Remind me, this is going to help us solve the case again because...

Anthony DiNozzo:
It's fun.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You want to *understand* what happened. This is how we understand.

Anthony DiNozzo:
I have... kind-of-a crazy idea!

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Those are never comforting words, coming from you.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[to a suspect] Your track record for the truth is unimpressive.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Why would somebody with a top security clearance have an e-mail account under an assumed name?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What if I wanted to get into that account?

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Get a search warrant for the servers.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Hack into the servers.

[Gibbs smirks]

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
I can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here.

[Kate heads back to her desk]

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You're welcome.

Petty Officer Vengal:
Why are you asking me about the lieutenant?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Because we're looking for the man who murdered him.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Yeah, it's funny til someone plunges to their death.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Oh come on! Still with the height thing? You gotta get over that man!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You don't just get over irrational fears. They're *irrational*!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
So we got a struggle and a dead guy.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Struggle over what?

Officer Ziva David:
Over the edge.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
We gotta find out what he was doing up here.

Officer Ziva David:
And with whom he was doing it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Doing what?

Officer Ziva David:
Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Done? What?

Officer Ziva David:
Done!

[Ziva leaves]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Wait...

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Not *this* queen.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
He's not a field agent.

NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance:
He's a member of your team.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
He works for Ducky.

NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance:
Ducky works for you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Something *bugging* you, Leon?

NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance:
Yeah. Director's back end of the week. I wanna go home. I miss my kids. I miss San Diego. Missed my *damned* flight because of this case. I just want it solve it so I can leave!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Works for me!

NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance:
So you saw a man with a gun and decided to chase after him?

Jimmy Palmer:
No! I chased after him, *then* I saw the gun!

NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance:
Can't tell if you're dumb or brave.

Jimmy Palmer:
Not brave enough.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
How is Mr. Palmer?... I really miss his assistance. You never fully appreciate someone until they're not here.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Hah, he'll be all right.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Jimmy may not have had a good look at the shooter, but I fear the shooter may have had a good look at him.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Duck, you let me worry about the shooter.

Abby Sciuto:
One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display in a department store. I lost like a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. Still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with Apa-Filter.

Jimmy Palmer:
How old were you?

Abby Sciuto:
22. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day.

Jimmy Palmer:
You have captured his essence pefectly. His... anger. His intent. Uh, his bloodlust.

Abby Sciuto:
His likeness? It's his likeness. That's kind of the point here. You know what? Let's just start over. Okay, he was a white guy, right?

Abby Sciuto:
Jimmy, you chased a crazy guy with a gun. You're a... stud muffin. You're an iron fist in a velvet glove. You're Baby Gibbs.

Jimmy Palmer:
Did we learn anything about this guy?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No. But we certainly learned something about you.

Jimmy Palmer:
Whatever it is. It's not what you think

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
If the shoe fits.

[starts to leave]

Jimmy Palmer:
Wait, wait! Where are you going?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
These boots were made for walking.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death. But for the time being. I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.

Jimmy Palmer:
How do you do it?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Hmm?

Jimmy Palmer:
Block out the fear.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You don't. It's what you do with it.

[Jimmy pulls up to a suspect's home after being told to stay at NCIS]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What are you doing here?

Jimmy Palmer:
I thought I could help.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What part of stay don't you understand? Stay! You stay in the car!

[while Gibbs and the team are busy Jimmy notices the suspect about to escape and rams his car]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[after disarming the suspect] What the hell was that?

Jimmy Palmer:
I did *not* get out of the car.

Jimmy Palmer:
[about the passport he saw] Let's see. It was blue, dark blue.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Yes, you've managed to narrow it down to the most popular color in the world.

Jimmy Palmer:
How did you handle the first time you got shot at?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[looks awkward] Well... I'm a highly trained federal agent so it's really not a fair comparison.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[after getting slapped by Gibbs] Wow. Should have seen that coming.

Navy Captain Richard Owens:
Are you telling me this guy may be launching a biological attack on *my* carrier?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
That's what we're here to find out.

Navy Captain Richard Owens:
I know you want to down play this, Gibbs. But my first concern is the safety of this ship! ... You have 12 hours then this becomes MY investigation!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
So, let me guess. You guys caught a bad case of "DiNozzo-itis", had Vance send you down south?

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
"DiNozzo-itis". Sounds venereal.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
This is where you have been for the last month?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah. It's just like the squad room, only I'm the squad and there's no room.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I can't believe I'm telling you this. Tony's going to kill me.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Not if Mossad gets to him first.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well, you don't think the Director's going to just hand him over?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Got a problem, McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You mean apart from Tony killing Ziva's friend and Ziva's apartment blowing up? No. No problem at all.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Good. Then shoot.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
My gut told me it was Rivkin, not Ziva. Sometimes my gut just... sucks. But if Ziva knew something, I wanted to give her a chance to explain it to me.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
To protect her.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
If she needed it.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Doesn't add up. DiNozzo's more a brawler. Rivkin was kidon.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Ah, I thought you'd never ask.

Officer Ziva David:
[Referring to DiNozzo] Officer Hadar will not harm him. Only two people have the authority to do that.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Your father's one. Second?

Officer Ziva David:
Me.

Eli David:
With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.

Officer Ziva David:
I drove.

Eli David:
Enough said.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
[Watching DiNozzo being interviewed by Eli] Son of a b*tch! How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart ass attitude back in D.C.?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You should've checked his bags.

Mossad Officer Amit Hadar:
[to Ziva] Rivkin was in chaos. You knew. And yet you decided not to tell your father. You tried to protect Rivkin. But in truth, you are the reason he is dead.

Officer Ziva David:
Hadar set the fire.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Covering for Rivkin.

Officer Ziva David:
I was betrayed by Mossad, by my father, by Tony. Who's next? You?

Eli David:
Your Agent Gibbs is making my people very nervous.

Mossad Officer Amit Hadar:
He slipped through security. Any idea where he might be going?

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Knowing Gibbs, coffee run. Man practically main lines caffeine.

Officer Ziva David:
You jeopardized your entire career and for what?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
For you... He was playing you, Ziva.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I guess you read my report.

Officer Ziva David:
I memorized it! You could have left it at that! You could have walked away, but no. You let him up! You put a bullet in his chest.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You weren't there.

Officer Ziva David:
You could have put one in his leg.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You... weren't... there.

Officer Ziva David:
But I should have been.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You loved him.

Officer Ziva David:
I guess I'll never know.

Officer Ziva David:
[Referring to DiNozzo] I'm not sure we can work together. Perhaps it is best if one of us gets transferred to another team.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Transferred?

Officer Ziva David:
I need to be able to trust the people that I work with. I know you more than anyone understand that.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[pause. Kisses Ziva on the cheek] Take care of yourself.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well, when is she coming back?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
She's not.

Abby Sciuto:
No! This cannot happen! Vance cannot do this *again*!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It wasn't Vance's call.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Then who?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[Entering Gibbs's basement] Jethro, forgive the intrusion. [notices the boat is missing from the basement] How did you possibly manage to -?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Aw geez, Duck. You gonna ask me that every time?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I know this decision must not have come easily.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
It wasn't my decision.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
But Tony said...

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No, it was Ziva's. From the moment she asked me to choose.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
But you took to Ziva more quickly than to any other agent before her. Timothy, Caitlin, even DiNozzo. I've always sensed there's a strong bond between the two of you. Something shared perhaps.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Let me make it easy for you, Gibbs. You made the right call.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I wasn't asking your opinion, Leon. [Starts to leave]

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Just who the Hell do you think you're talking to?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Gibbs slams the Director's door shut. And walks back] That's a damn good question! I've been wondering about that for a while!

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
You know you spend half your time second guessing me, studying me, testing me.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I'm looking for answers.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
It'd help if you ask the damn questions!... There's the rub. You don't have a clue what to ask. You don't trust me but you don't know why.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
I know you don't want to hear this, Gibbs. But now, you have to trust me. And if you're right about Ziva's alligence to you, she'll serve us well in Mossad.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah, and if you're right about her father... we'll never see her again.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Okay, why don't you just get this out? You want to take a punch? Take a swing? Get it out of your system!

[Yelling]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Go ahead do it!

Officer Ziva David:
Be careful, Tony. Because much like Michael, I only need *one*.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
And that's what you're really angry about, isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead. It's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.

Officer Ziva David:
Michael was Jewish by birth, not practice.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, you can't beat a well-placed dumpster.

[first lines]

Allison Donovan:
[on phone] It's always about him.

[Tony is reclining at his desk, "asleep" with his eyes open, and Kate is speculating on why he's sleepy]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I don't kiss and tell, Kate.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Since when? I know more about your sex life than I do about my own, Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That's not hard to believe, Probie, since you don't have one.

[Gibbs enters squad room to see what his team has found out]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Anybody! Talk to me.

[Tony, leaving in Gibbs's wake, barks an order at McGee]

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You got it, Boss... uh, Tony.

[Abby and Ducky are in her lab, talking to Gibbs on the phone. Ducky starts to report, then remembers his manners]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I'm sorry. Ladies first.

Abby Sciuto:
That is so sweet!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
It's a pleasure, I'm sure.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Today, Abby!

Joe Tabarez:
Off the record Purcell is one creepy son of a b*tch. What's he supposed to have done?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Shipped a pair of woman's eyeballs to a transsexual sailor who killed himself.

Joe Tabarez:
And here I thought I had seen it all.

Abby Sciuto:
You know that doesn't work with me... I always know when you're there... Gibbs? [sound of the lab door closing] That's weird.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Shaking a Caf Pow] You lookin' for me?

Abby Sciuto:
You are getting sneakier the older you get.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Not to mention better lookin' What ya got?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Hey, you know what this reminds me of? Pacci's suspect that we were staking out last year.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
That's right! The beautiful pre-op transsexual who seduced Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
She didn't seduce me. I was undercover.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Yeah, well, didn't you stick your tongue down...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I took one for the team, all right? Someone had to keep her occupied.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Don't you mean "*him?*"

Guyman Purcell:
[teaching a lecture] Okay, now that we've learned a little bit about recruiting double agents, let's take a moment to consider some of the risks involved. Anybody?

[Tony starts to raise his hand to volunteer information]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
DiNozzo, would you like to become left-handed?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
What's your location?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
We're looking for the TAT building right now. The town's kind of hard to navigate.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[viewing Tony's position on a GPS map in MTAC] It's fifty feet right in front of you, DiNozzo.

Officer Ziva David:
You can beat a polygraph.

Abby Sciuto:
No you can't!

Officer Ziva David:
I've done it, Abby. It's part of Mossad training. All you have to do is...

NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee:
Oi. Hello! If it's unethical I can't hear it.

Officer Ziva David:
WELL DON'T LISTEN!

NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee:
[puts fingers in ears] la la la la la go ahead la la la la

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
Visiting our ex wife?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Waiting for you.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
How'd you know I'd be here?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Friday night, odd weekend.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
[discussing their ex-wife] Diane look that pissed at you after the divorce?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
She's looking at me Tobias.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
You sound like a jealous husband.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
How would you know?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Don't touch that! It's scotch you drink bourbon

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
So do you

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
I had another visitor, before you arrived unannounced.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Did he duck out the back?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Now you do sound like a jealous husband.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What were you doing for 21 hours Jenny?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
What we used to do, ever so well.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
When you lie your right eye twitches. It always has.

NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee:
Where's the bathroom?

Jimmy Palmer:
I know!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
First... A toast...

Jimmy Palmer:
Dear God make it quick...

NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee:
Amen!

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
In polite society one usually calls before a visit. Bourbon?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I've kicked in too many doors to be polite. Yes.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
I appreciate the restraint you showed by using the bell. I've been rather fond of that door since I was a child.

Cynthia Sumner:
Welcome home director. How was the interpol conference?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Fine, full of eurocops trying to hook up with me.

[beat]

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
And no I didn't

Cynthia Sumner:
[flustered] Oh, uhh I wasn't wondering.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
I would if I were you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You still dream about OJ-ing Diane?

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
Nah Emily kind of likes her. You?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Only when I think about my grandfather's watch.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[watching Abby do bartender tricks] Watch out! It's Halloween at Coyote Ugly, Piper Perabo.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I don't trust anything controlled by a video game's man.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
What *exactly* happened?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
JETHRO happened! He went in there to deliver a sick girl's inhaler and got invited to stay.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Yeah, but how could he let - ? Of course, he probably planned the whole thing.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Jethro *doesn't* plan, Ducky! He follows his damn gut!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Well it usually serves him well.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
It also gets him into trouble!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Everybody's okay... Boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well that's good to hear, Special Agent Gibbs.

Kody Meyers:
Your agent says he's a negotiator.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, that's right. He's my best man.

Kody Meyers:
Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
He always had an attitude problem.

Marine Major Ken Meyers:
I need to see he's okay.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Aside from holding five people hostage, he's doing great.

Officer Ziva David:
What does Kody want?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
He wants his mother brought to him.

Marine Major Ken Meyers:
Oh, God!

Officer Ziva David:
What?

Marine Major Ken Meyers:
Kody's mother is dead!

Marine Major Ken Meyers:
Kody's had some difficulties, but he's never acted out before.

Officer Ziva David:
Your son strapped a bomb to his chest, kidnapped his homeroom, and is demanding to see his dead mother. I'd say he's *past* his acting out stage, Major!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[from outside the door] Kody, is something wrong in there?

Kody Meyers:
[shouts] What the hell are you doing there?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Giving you an update: I want to let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for your mom.

Kody Meyers:
Don't come back until you find her! I-I won't tell you again!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
All right, I'm going.

[He and Wise walk away from the door]

Marine Capt. Daniel Wise:
How you gonna tell Gibbs the kid's mom is dead?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You want me to take him out?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
It may be your only option.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'd like to get them all alive, including Kody.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
I agree! But if it's not possible I need to know that you're capable of making the call.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I've done it before.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
On a 15 year-old? If the time comes, you cannot hesitate, you cannot second guess yourself.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[throwing his cap] Okay! If you don't trust me, I suggest you relieve me. Otherwise leave me alone! I've got work to do ma'am!

[hangs up]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Probie!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
On it, Boss!... Tony!

[Tony chuckles]

Officer Ziva David:
What?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
He called me "Boss."

Officer Ziva David:
Yeah, he'll never live it down.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[after finding out Major Meyer's has gone to NCIS] I didn't authorize that.

Marine Capt. Daniel Wise:
No, sir. Your Boss did.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
My Boss is a hostage right now. He's not authorizing much of anything!

Marine Capt. Daniel Wise:
Not that Boss, sir.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
He's the only Boss I have!

Officer Ziva David:
Ah-ah-ah! You are FORGETTING the Director!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[after Abby hits him] Hey!

Abby Sciuto:
We should have thought of that hours ago.

[braces for McGee to hit her]

Abby Sciuto:
Don't be gentle.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I am not gonna hit you.

Abby Sciuto:
Come on. I deserve it.

[braces again]

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No!

Abby Sciuto:
[pause] Elf Lord.

[Abby braces again. Cut to outside Abby's lab]

Abby Sciuto:
[o.s] OW!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Reading McGee's report] "Retinal scanner uses wave-front sensing reflection points. "

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Heh.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
"Correlates the data using 8 point spread function."

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Yeah.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
"Rasterizes the pupil. Conjugate geometry."

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Was I too technical? [Gibbs drops the report in the trash]

Dr. Donald Mallard:
I suppose it is possible that Anthony's relation to him is uh, merely coincidental.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You wanna bet, Duck?

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Nothing I care to lose.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Everybody. I just want you to know that I'm a little disappointed. PCP addicts are Friday nights. It's Saturday night - which is Hooker night. Where are the hookers?

Sapphire:
[Entering] Hey Tony.

Anthony DiNozzo:
I mean the Call Girls. Hey Sapphire.

Abby Sciuto:
What if the killer's trying to tell us he's gonna come after our friends? I mean Tony knew the victim.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Not just Tony. I knew him too.

Detective Danny Price:
Hey man, asking your High School Music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Wendy asked me out, remember?

Anthony DiNozzo:
[as DiNozzo is chasing a suspect] Freeze dirtbag! You can't out run me. I'm wearing tube socks! [DiNozzo tackles the suspect, revealing it's Gibbs. Gibbs struggles, and DiNozzo pulls out his weapon] I said freeze, dirtbag!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.

Ziva David:
Yes, but he and his partner have not spoken in years.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Okay, let's say you and I haven't spoken in years. And I get my throat by a serial killer.

Ziva David:
I would hunt him down and make him regret the day he was born! You're not just another partner, McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Neither is Tony.

Detective Danny Price:
Or read our dispatch. We had a BOLO out on Joey for two days.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah, I know.

Anthony DiNozzo:
You knew?... Well then, what the hell were you doing running around risking -?

[Tony laughs in realization]

Anthony DiNozzo:
Really? You wanted to get arrested. We didn't screw anything up for him. You're a new face on the street. What's the best way to earn instant bona fides than uh - getting pinched?

[DiNozzo chuckles]

Anthony DiNozzo:
A Navy guy. I don't like getting played. Having said that, well played. Very Donnie Brasco, actually.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm more worried about Abby's theory that the Port-to-Port killer's targeting our friends. Can't protect them all.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
We protect them by catching the killer - same as you did before.

Ziva David:
[after interviewing a witness] That was a waste! He had nothing to add to his statement about the robbery at the bakery. And I'm not going back in there unless it is absolutely fumigated!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Twice.

Anthony DiNozzo:
How'd we end up doing a Navy cop's job for him?

Detective Danny Price:
Cause he's smarter than us.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Mmm. More devious - maybe. I don't know about smarter.

Detective Danny Price:
I kind of liked him actually.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Who'd want to be a Navy cop? I'd rather have the plague.

Abby Sciuto:
How on Earth did you -?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Rule #35.

Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Always watch the watchers.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Taking a suspect into custody] You have the right to remain silent or I can shut you up myself!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Take it easy, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You also have the right to an attorney so he can tell you how you weren't hugged enough as a child.

Anthony DiNozzo:
[as he's chasing a suspect] I have a degree in Physical Education! I played varsity basketball at Ohio State! This isn't going to end well for you! Your money-laundering days...

[DiNozzo runs into the street and into a moving car. He gets up quickly continues the pursuit]

Anthony DiNozzo:
-Are over!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Can you imagine having to arrest Gibbs?

Ziva David:
Heh. I would rather arrest my father. And I still might have to one day for that matter.

Anthony DiNozzo:
I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe being a cop isn't for me. [Gibbs slaps the back of DiNozzo's head] Huh? Did you just physically assault me?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
I don't have a lot of rules. But rule #5 is you don't waste good. You're good.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Thanks don't make a habit of that. [DiNozzo realizes they're by Human Resources] Did I mention you're a devious man, Gibbs?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Boy, I got vision and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Butch Cassidy. That's nice.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Pacci, you get that other thing for me?

NCIS Agent Chris Pacci:
Yeah. Detective DiNozzo's personnel file right here. [Pacci puts the file on Gibbs's desk] You need anything else? Because I gotta head to the Infirmary. My ulcer's killing me again. I'm telling you, this stomach is going to be the death of me.

[flashback to 2001]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[chasing a suspect] You can't outrun me, I'm wearing tube socks!

Orli Elbaz:
In my experience, the best relationships start on neutral ground.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[to Jackson Gibbs] You order food here, and you don't eat it, this waitress, she takes it personal. I've seen her cry.

[Arguing about who has point, Tony and Tim speak in perfect unison]

Timothy McGee:
Update. Go!... What?

Anthony DiNozzo:
Update. Go!... What?

[Last lines]

Jackson Gibbs:
But what you did was more than you know. You made my boy possible, Walter. And he helps people, Walter. He's a good man. [Turning to look directly at his son] He's the best person I know.

Walter Beck:
[On his deathbed, shakes hands] Jack. Thank you. Thank you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[discussing the crime scene] It's a public restroom, Boss. It's really disgusting.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
It could be worse.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
How could it be worse?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Could be a men's room.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Give it five seconds.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Until what?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Until he notices there's a...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Bikini contest!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[speaking of photos of Jordan] In the article, Petty Officer Jordan said they were taken by her boyfriend.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Thought she didn't date.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, she was pregnant, McGee. There's only one way that can happen.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Does that say "Sex Wax"?

Abby Sciuto:
That it does. It comes in Cool, Warm and Tropical.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
How does it work?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Don't worry about it, Probie. Pretty sure you still need a girl first.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
[as Tony's leaving for vacation] Try not to embarrass yourself, Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Come on, Kate. I'm way too grown up for that.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[about Spring Break] Probie, my stories alone would make you a man.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[seeing their victim in a bathroom stall] That is one hell of a swirly.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
A "swirly"?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You take a kid by the ankles, dunk him in the toilet, then flush. Usually reserved for dorks. Does it look familiar, probie?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I don't think so. Noogies, sure. Wedgies, an occasional melvin. But, uh, no.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing. And the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Thank you, boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I love the beach. Reminds me of college.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I thought you went to Ohio State.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm talking about spring break, probie.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
She knew she was pregnant. Any idea about the father?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
She used a pay phone to call him, but his cell was turned off. She said she left a message.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
[laughing to herself] That's your worst nightmare, Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[taunting] So, how's it going with those letters, Kate?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
I'm working on it. Thanks, Tony.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
How long?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Two days, three tops.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You've got four.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
[surprised] Really?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Hours.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
[deadpan] Sounds about right.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Do you suspect foul play?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Oh, you know me, Duck... I suspect everything.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a bastard.

Thomas McAllister:
[as Gibbs sits down in Interrogation] I'm sure you hear this a lot. I'm innocent, Agent Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I know.

Monroe Cooper:
[from observation] What the hell kind of interrogation is that?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[referring to Abby's loud music] Your speakers are broken.

Abby Sciuto:
Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Correction. Your ears are broken.

Abby Sciuto:
The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is as obvious as Anna Nicole's implants.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Who?

Abby Sciuto:
You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin...

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Stop.

Abby Sciuto:
Right.

Monroe Cooper:
Monroe Cooper.

[hands Gibbs a business card]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
"The man who solves the unsolvable".

Monroe Cooper:
So you've heard of me?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No. It's on your card.

Monroe Cooper:
I have a policy, Agent Gibbs. You share information with me, and I share it with you. We have a deal?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Ah, kinda goes against my policy, Cooper.

Monroe Cooper:
Which is?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Throw people in jail who obstruct my investigations.

Monroe Cooper:
Elaine McAllister, the mother. Into the occult in a big way. Psychics, seances, all that weird sh... stuff. She dies in '93, the family falls apart.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
How?

Monroe Cooper:
The old man. He took it pretty hard. He decided he was gonna contact the dead wife, starts neglecting the family business.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What do you mean by make contact?

Monroe Cooper:
He consults this space cadet, Saleena lockhart. Claimed to be a psychic.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
I've heard of her. She used to have that, um... tabloid astrology column.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Eh, I don't buy it.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Astrology?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, you reading tabloids.

Monroe Cooper:
She weasels her way into the old man's life. Next thing you know, she's practically running it. McAllister Avionics starts to slide until it's almost bankrupt by 2000.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
How much money did he leave her?

Monroe Cooper:
You're quick, Gibbs. Almost $10 million. He changed his will two weeks after the lieutenant went missing. The surviving brother, still fighting it in court.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It's kind of like Anna Nicole.

Monroe Cooper:
Who?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
That's what I said.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[learning a personal hero tried to frame someone else for a murder] I don't believe it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Sorry, probie. I felt the same way when I found out professional wrestling was fake.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Rule number twenty-eight. If you need help, ask.

Ellie Bishop:
Don't let a bad situation define you.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
Put the gun down, Turro! There are two ways this can go down. Choose wisely. [DiNozzo sneaks up behind Turro, and knocks Turro unconscious] Make that three ways.

Anthony DiNozzo:
You're inviting me to your house forThanksgiving dinner? I thought I was you second least favorite.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
You are. But dry turkey, blackened dinner rolls -it's really more of a punishment.

Anthony DiNozzo:
[Grabbing his gear and following Fornell] So now that we're friends can I call you "Toby?"

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
Don't push your luck.

Barbara Bishop:
It's not easy knowing she's hundreds of miles away working in a dangerous job. If I had my way, she'd be living here working as a teacher or nun.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Daughters.

Barbara Bishop:
That being said, it is very comforting to know that she is surrounded by people who care about her.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I'll look after her.

Barbara Bishop:
I'm counting on it.

Ellie Bishop:
I'm, um, I'm ready to go home - back to DC. I'll head back out Saturday.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Got room in your truck for one more? Only booked a one-way ticket. Wasn't leaving here without you.

Ellie Bishop:
Yeah, I could use a navigator.

Abby Sciuto:
[after the van door opens, the would-be-kidnapper falls to ground] Be with you in a minute, Gibbs! And don't look up my skirt!

[presses her taser, the kidnapper gets shocked]

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
So this was an accident?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Abby, doesn't have accidents!

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Well Abby also doesn't have enemies. I mean it's not like we're talking about Agent DiNozzo.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Hey!... Ma'am.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Not sure, meaning what?

Officer Ziva David:
We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.

Abby Sciuto:
[chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill *me*? I mean, Tony I understand, but...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Hey!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Or, maybe it *was* just a lab accident. I mean, really, who would wanna kill Abby?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You know that's true. It's not like someone was after Tony.

Officer Ziva David:
Now there is a suspect list I would not want to run down again.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ya! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I think the joke's over. We get it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[after McGee's chair has been confiscated by Gibbs, for failing to protect Abby the night before] Where's your chair?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
He doesn't deserve to sit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
With that ass?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
I don't want you to be alone tonight, Abs. You're going with McGee!

Abby Sciuto:
Great! Like I haven't been traumatized enough today.

Frank Dreyer:
If you folks are unhappy about the room, in any way, you just let me know and I'll see about getting you an upgrade.

Albert Hencheck:
[enters room and sees blood and body parts strewn about] I think we'll take that upgrade.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Did you request this specific room when you called the lodge?

Lillian Hencheck:
No we asked for the one with the eviscerated squirrels, but this was all they had.

Albert Hencheck:
What the hell kind of question is that?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Our last one.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Give it back, Tony. It was a gift.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
From who? Your wet nurse?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No. From me.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Nice calendar, Boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Take a look at the blood drips on the wall. It's a little Jackson Pollock, but notice anything?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
They're emanating from a central point.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Step off, McFlower-Power.

Abby Sciuto:
What self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Obviously, one who doesn't care about repeat business.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[to Abby and McGee] I don't anticipate any long term side-effects.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Better not be. You two don't have permission to be sick.

Abby Sciuto:
I dated him last year and things just got a little out of hand.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Did I mention the restraining order?

Abby Sciuto:
Ok it was lot out of hand.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Why didn't you come to me, Abby?

Abby Sciuto:
Because, Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[to Abby's stalker] The only reason you're still able to walk is that I'd never heard about you before today.

Abby Sciuto:
The Lunar Effect is a myth. There is no statistical correlation between phases of the moon and human behavior. That's why it would never work between us.

Officer Ziva David:
Because the Lunar Effect is a myth?

Abby Sciuto:
No, because I'm a scientist and he plays with voodoo dolls.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
But you play with voodoo dolls, Abby.

Abby Sciuto:
I mean it metaphorically McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Do you want to use it or not?

Abby Sciuto:
An anonymous tooth brush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with typhoid Mary's straight razor.

Abby Sciuto:
[showing him her stun gun] Ziva gave me this. Cynthia gave me the pepper spray. The knuckles are Director Shepherd's.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No one is going to hurt you, Abby.

Abby Sciuto:
You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Did it?

Abby Sciuto:
Yeah, can you say it again.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.

[puts his arm around her]

Abby Sciuto:
Can I stay at NCIS until you find him?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Mm-hm. I'll move your whole lab into the elevator if it will make you feel better.

Mikel Mawher:
I know we got off on the wrong foot.

Abby Sciuto:
The wrong foot? The only right foot, is my foot up your ass!

Abby Sciuto:
[in Gibbs' basement] Nothing like a dungeon like basement to quiet the nerves.

Lillian Hencheck:
All I'm saying is this never would have happened at the Marriot.

Albert Hencheck:
Well, excuse me for not checking the axe murderer policy when I made the reservation.

Abby Sciuto:
[drunk] I don't know why people drink alcohol when they're depressed, because alcohol is a depressant. Now I'm still 'pressed... and I'm nauseous.

[Palmer is trying to sort the assorted pieces of connective tissue found at the crime scene]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I think it best to start with a corner piece, Mr. Palmer.

Jimmy Palmer:
Um, Doctor...?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Haven't you ever done a jigsaw puzzle? You always start with the corners. May I suggest the plantar fasciae?

Jimmy Palmer:
The feet?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Yes, and then build it up from there. The anterior vesiculus...

Jimmy Palmer:
...Of the ankle.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Mmm-hmm.

Jimmy Palmer:
And then the fasciae crusus of the lower calf. Oh, thank you, Doctor! That's a very helpful analogy.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
And a fitting one, too, considering the original term for jigsaw puzzle was "dissected maps." So named by the Europeans in the late 1760's. They used to take maps and cut them up into irregular pieces for their children to reassemble.

Abby Sciuto:
This is not my toothbrush.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.

Abby Sciuto:
It's a ladybug tooth brush, McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J Lo Glow, not for a quasi-manly Federal agent who carries a gun.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Do you want to use it or not?

Abby Sciuto:
An anonymous toothbrush? I would rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.

Abby Sciuto:
I can see why you like workin' on the boat there Gibbs. It's very cathartic. [accidentally knocks a chunk out of the boat] Oops. [hands the tools sheepishly over to Gibbs]

Lillian Hencheck:
Last time we were here I saw a cockroach!

Albert Hencheck:
It wasn't a cockroach.

Lillian Hencheck:
[sarcastically] Oh, all of a sudden you're an expert?

Albert Hencheck:
I'm an entomologist. 32 years. I think I know a cockroach when I see one.

Officer Ziva David:
In my professional opinion, the risk of serious injury is substantial.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
I agree, but there are protocols that have to be followed.

Officer Ziva David:
Which are useless if it doesn't impart a tactical advantage.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Don't underestimate appearances, Ziva. I've known entire missions to fail because an asset didn't button her lapel properly.

Officer Ziva David:
I see your point.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
So we are in agreement? [Ziva nods]

Officer Ziva David, NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
[both turn to Abby] Heels!

Abby Sciuto:
I hate court!

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Your sacrifice is noted and appreciated. Let's talk outfits!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Some people need someone to hate.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Not me.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Then you should've let Ziva take the shot.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[after saying he had to lie to Gibbs] He's my boss.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
And I'm *his* boss. You leave him to me. Your ass is covered.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm not worried about my ass, Jenny!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Hell, DiNozzo, you were following orders. I'd have done the same thing.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Really?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You would've lied to Mike Franks?

[Ducky is undercover as "Harrow"]

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
[over radio] Get the diamonds.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Rene, aren't you forgetting something?

La Grenouille:
[regarding the bottle of Napoleon brandy] Ah, my bottle of history is yours, my friend. Add to it well.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I don't know what to say...

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard, Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[over radio] GIVE ME THE DIAMONDS!

Officer Ziva David:
I told you I couldn't program the navigator. I'm a *driver*!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Ziva, I've driven with you before. I'd rather be lost than dead.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
This is the pirated part of the console we have to find.

Officer Ziva David:
Twenty million for *that*?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Size isn't everything... Forget I even stupidly started to say that.

Officer Ziva David:
[Seeing all the computers in the suspect's home] This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
"Needle in a haystack."

Officer Ziva David:
I like mine better.

[after Harrow suffers a fatal heart attack while running from Ziva and McGee]

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way!Right, Tony?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That's right Director, they could've...

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Shot him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That's right. They could've shot him.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Of course, in a high-octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through his heart.

Officer Ziva David:
Three rounds.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
And McGee, not to be outdone, would've...

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Added three more.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
See? There you go. Six rounds, same result: one dead Mr. Harrow.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Can you do this to anyone's email?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No, because it's highly illegal. And I'm not even doing it now... Okay, we're in.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[walking up on Jenny and the team in a heated discussion] Am I interrupting something?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Not at all. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mr. Harrow besides chasing him to death!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I am interrupting something. I'll come back.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Doctor! Death was most likely caused by...?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Miocardial Infarction. Brought on by a combination of a high-fat western diet and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs.

Officer Ziva David:
Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It's 'pirated' copy.

Officer Ziva David:
That's what I said!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...

Officer Ziva David:
Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Johnny Depp.

Officer Ziva David:
He's a pirate?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, he's an actor.

Officer Ziva David:
Oh.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
How did we get here?

Officer Ziva David:
I drove.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I got it! [Grabs Grouch Marx glasses from a drawer and puts them on] Never fails to please. [DiNozzo turns around and faces Gibbs] Hi boss. This isn't what it looks like.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Just out of curiosity, how exactly does this look?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
It looks like we got a dead Marine. Grab your gear. ,, And a little self-respect, DiNozzo.

Abby Sciuto:
I remember the last time the director wanted to see me. Do you know about the last time the director wanted to see me?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
No.

Abby Sciuto:
Okay, no sense in mentioning it then again.

Abby Sciuto:
A mini pow? Ugh. This is another bad omen. Gibbs, this does not bode well for my future.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Abby, I wouldn't worry about it.

Abby Sciuto:
Why's that?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Because I got your back. Always have. [Gibbs kisses her on the cheek] Always will.

Natalia:
Anyone could tell I have a cat.

Abby Sciuto:
One orange tabby, and two calicos. You're allergic to citrus. You went bowling last night. You're vitamin D difficient. Oh, and you're ovulating.

Paloma Reynosa.:
You are correct. He was killed by a sniper hiding on a ridge almost a thousand meters from here.

Abby Sciuto:
How do you know that?

Paloma Reynosa.:
Because the killer left behind a message on that ridge.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What message? [Paloma tosses a bullet to Abby]

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Want to flip for the couch?

Abby Sciuto:
Come on, McGee. It's not like we haven't shared a bed together before.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well, technically, that was a coffin. And I'm just letting you know, if you and I sleep in this bed together. I am a Quasimodo for a week.

Abby Sciuto:
I'm going to sleep on my lab table.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Oh come on, I said I was sorry.

Abby Sciuto:
Oh, and you don't know how much.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What is that supposed to mean?

Abby Sciuto:
You forgot to use bottled water on your toothbrush. This is *not* a room I want to sleep in tonight.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That wasn't nice. Why would you do something like that?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I don't know. Why would you create a fake online profile last year and make me fall in love with a girl that doesn't exist?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Weak laugh] Can I get back to you on that?

Abby Sciuto:
The only thing I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Rule 40?

Abby Sciuto:
"If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are."

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
What do you want me to say?

Abby Sciuto:
Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I made a mistake with the ballistics.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
No. No, I can't say that.

Abby Sciuto:
Then... tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Will that help?

Abby Sciuto:
No. What I really need to know Gibbs, is if you're gonna love me... no matter what.

Velvet Road:
[about her tattoos] These aren't just for show. I own two pythons and a cobra. I've been bit more times than I can count.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Sake bombs.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Oh, I see.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I barely made it out of there alive.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
And now you hope to finish the job.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
McGee, say words.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What you see before you is the DiNozzo defibrilator. It's been passed down through six generations.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
My family also has a hangover remedy. Jasmine tea with lime.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ugh! That's disgusting! Remind me never to have a hangover in Israel.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well that's my name, it's not my signature, but that's my name. And to think I almost made it an entire year without being accused of murder.

Desk Clerk:
The guy did look a lot like you.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Not helping.

Desk Clerk:
Was a little more fit though.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
[Referring to DiNozzo] Maybe we should go easy on him.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Think he'd go easy on us?

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Excellent point.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm more interested in why the star witness from your case showed up in your duffel bag!

Renny Grant:
...He wouldn't fit in my Samsonite.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
McGee...

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
On it, Boss.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
[to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Rule number 38?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Mm-hmm. [Rule 38: If it's your case, you're the Boss]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Gibbs enters] Oh, hey Boss... Uh, Jethro. Did you catch up on Renny's embezzlement case?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yes, and I went through his appeal.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Let me guess, wasted three years of his life.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No, you did. Kid was innocent.

Renny Grant:
What am I look at anyway for tampering with a crime scene?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That's going to be up to the judge. If you're lucky, time served.

Renny Grant:
And my appeal?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
...I'll write you a letter.

Renny Grant:
Better be a *hell* of a letter!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[walks to Renny] I promise, it will be!

Marine Sergeant Mitch Wilkins:
[DiNozzo enters the conference room] Told you so. Been waiting three years to say that.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You got something?

Abby Sciuto:
I had something four minutes ago!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Why didn't you call?

Abby Sciuto:
That's not how it works. When I find something, Gibbs immediately walks through the door. Have you forgotten all your training?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I remembered your Caf-Pow.

Abby Sciuto:
Horse shoes and hand grenades, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo. But the killer didn't know that, so if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a Federal Agent. "Hmm... maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead." There's our motive. We just need our killer.

[Ziva and McGee stare at him]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[entering] May have just found him. Abby matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former co-workers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear up!

[Gibbs starts to gear up. McGee and Ziva are still staring at him]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
We've just never heard you say that much at one time.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Or in a week!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Wasn't my job before. Come on!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
"The Burning Bed." 1984, Farrah Fawcett.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Torched her husband while he was sleeping. Second wife's favorite movie.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Maybe Commander Davis's wife is going for a sequel.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[enters, holding an envelope] "Hell hath no fury..."

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
"Like a woman scorned." Third wife's favorite quote.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[Reading a note] "Paid a Private Investigator to follow my wife. Just thought you should know what he found."

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
The other husband how kind of him. What did they say?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Misery loves company.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Where did you get that? Your fourth wife?

Jimmy Palmer:
Yeah... I guess if I put an innocent man in prison the last thing I'd want to do is ask him for help... But I'd do it anyway!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Thanks, Palmer... again.

[DiNozzo leaves]

Jimmy Palmer:
That's *Agent* Palmer.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Save the pep talk, we both know I screwed up.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah, three years ago... But now you're making it right... And me proud... You've been doing... a hell of a job, Anthony. Until about three minutes ago. Get your head on right.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What would you like me to do?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Trust your gut.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I think I'd rather trust yours right now.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Moving closer to DiNozzo] Then give me my damn phone back!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Betcha five bucks, Tony does the chair toss technique.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Mm, ten he switches to strong silent.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Nah, twenty he's gonna do the picutre tear.

[to Gibbs after being told he's leading the investigation]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
This doesn't mean you're going back to Mexico, does it?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
McGee, say words.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Who'd want to impersonate Tony?

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Cirque du Soleil. My mother and I caught two shows in one evening. She's an admirer, to say the least.

Jimmy Palmer:
Aren't we all?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Not like my mother. She had an infatuation for one of the tumblers for quite some time.

Jimmy Palmer:
Mark or Ignacio?

[Ducky gives him a look]

Jimmy Palmer:
I-I followed Ignacio's career for quite some time and he was...

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[entering] Why don't you quit while you're behind, Palmer?

Jimmy Palmer:
Quitting, sir.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[about how he met Renny] My first case as boss, three years ago when you took your Mexican... sabbatical? Intermission? It was a hiatus, really.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[to Gibbs] Ok, not so open and shut. You know that happens sometimes... to the rest of us.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Hey! Talk to me Abs. Here you go. [hands her a Caf Pow]

Abby Sciuto:
Thank you, Gibbs.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Abby.

Abby Sciuto:
I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Abby.

Abby Sciuto:
The room was luckily really clean. Because you know hotel rooms can be a forensic scientist's biggest nightmare, Gibbs.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Abby! I'm not Gibbs.

Abby Sciuto:
Yes you are. Because if you're not there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita sprained her ankle in the 6th frame and Mr. Giggles escaping...

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Mr. Giggles?

Abby Sciuto:
Stay on topic, Gibbs.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm not Gibbs!

Abby Sciuto:
Ok. Tell me. I can take it.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
He's just upstairs.

Abby Sciuto:
Wait! No I can't.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Rule 38.

Abby Sciuto:
[happily] Oh!

Abby Sciuto:
I am cooking up some awesomeness.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Awesome me!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[of Tony as the boss] He walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like... He's behind me. Isn't he?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Smirking.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Good timing. How long were you standing back there?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
About two minutes.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ziva, I want all the transcripts from Renny's embezzlement trial. McGee, interviews. If he worked with them, you're talking to them. Gibbs... good campfire.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It's our missing murder weapon.

Abby Sciuto:
It's our messy murder weapon. Which is weird because most killers rinse before they repeat.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That was a neat trick. I'm gonna have to remember that for the next time I want someone to think that I'm a complete moron.

[walking in on Gibbs and Tony standing nose to nose]

Abby Sciuto:
I hope I'm not interrupting something. Or if I am, someone will tell me about it later.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You know I would never drink on a school night.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Where were you last night?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Drinking.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Alone?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Of course not! Not that there's anything wrong with drinking bourbon alone in your basement with a boat. What were we talking about?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[looking at a body in a duffel bag] The seam split. I can't believe it.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
I know. Discarded like a piece of trash.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No, I meant the duffel bag. I just bought the same one. I should have listened to the reviews. They said the seams were a problem.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
McGee, the man is folded in half!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I know. No, that is - that's a shame, too. Maybe I've been doing this too long.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Who'd want to impersonate Tony?

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Or its a frame up.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Jean Benoit?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Overseas, Maybe it was Trent Kort.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison:
Are you detecting a trend here?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Tony does have a way with people.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You got a cause of death, Duck?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Well, this cyanosis indicates lack of oxygen. That, combined with this ligature mark...

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Strangled?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Yeah, with a wire or cord. And then to finish him off, they stabbed him through the heart. Preliminary measurement shows a three to four inch blade.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Nothing in the alley.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Room is clear, too.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well, you would know. It is your room.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Way to kick a man when he's down, McBackstabber.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
McGee, stroke my plumage.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Don't apologize. It's a sign of weakness.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[locked in a shipping container with a large crate of cash] I'll tell you what. When we get out of here, I'm gonna buy you a house!

[Ziva chuckles]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
But it's going to have to be a fake one - because these are counterfeit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'll tell you this, when we get out of here we're watching "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai."

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Wait, back up a second. You were with McGeek?

Officer Ziva David:
No, he was with me. I was making him dinner.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Why would you make McGeek dinner?

Officer Ziva David:
I like to cook.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You cook?

Officer Ziva David:
Jimmy seemed to like it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Palmer? I've never even been to your place and you're cooking dinner for McGee and the autopsy gremlin? At what point did the Earth fall off its axis?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm not getting a signal. How about you?

Officer Ziva David:
[holds up her cell phone] No. I'm braless.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I noticed that earlier. But on your phone they're called "bars."

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You ever had a conversation in the head, McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
One time I did. The person I was talking to was so distracted my shoes, they kinda got...

[Gibbs slaps the back of his head]

Officer Ziva David:
Careful. This thing could be booby-trapped a dozen different ways.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Then why are we opening it again?

Officer Ziva David:
Because if it is a bomb, it might be armed.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Hey, listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know that...

Officer Ziva David:
This is not your fault, I know.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Uh, no. I was gonna say that your life would've had more meaning if you'd slept with me.

Officer Ziva David:
If you had anything else on your mind, perhaps I would have.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Really?

Officer Ziva David:
No.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[explaining how he knows the money is counterfeit] The ink. It smells.

Officer Ziva David:
Yes, like ink.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, our money doesn't smell.

[pulls a bill from his pocket]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Here, try it. Give it a little sniff

Officer Ziva David:
[does so] That smells like stale alcohol... [coughs] And your armpit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[sniffs it] Yeah. The point is, it doesn't smell like ink.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
So, riddle me this Batgirl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?

Officer Ziva David:
Why, feel a little left out, Tony?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I mean, McGee, I can understand. He's a good guest. I bet he brought a bottle of wine.

Officer Ziva David:
And dessert.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, big surprise there. But Palmer? I've had more stimulating conversations with cats.

Officer Ziva David:
Best sex movie?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
"Body Heat." William Hurt, Kathleen Turner. Smart-noir. I like the whole sweaty, chair-through-glass-door thing.

Officer Ziva David:
I prefer the air conditioner on, and if somebody threw a chair through my door, I would probably shoot them.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[after rescuing Tony and Ziva] You two okay?

Officer Ziva David:
No.

[She kicks the enemy agent in the groin, then limps away]

Officer Ziva David:
Now if you gentlemen will excuse me...

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Where are you going?

Officer Ziva David:
I've been locked in a box all day! The ladies' room!

Abby Sciuto:
The grooves match. All three rounds that you pulled out of toothless downstairs came from Tony's weapon. And none of the blood samples take from the dock match Tony or Ziva's blood type. I think they're going to be okay. Tony is only one of our very best agents and Ziva, she's basically a trained killer, right? I mean, she could take care of herself. And I got a direct link to four different GPS satellites. Either of them get an area with reception again, bam! We got them. I really don't think that there's any reason to worry, Ducky. They're going to be fine.

[Ducky gestures for Abby to come in for a hug]

Abby Sciuto:
I need you to tell me they're going to be okay.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Of course they are.

Officer Ziva David:
[Ziva and Tony have been locked inside a shipping container] I think we've just been screwed in here, Tony!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
The term is "bolted."

Officer Ziva David:
Same difference!

Officer Ziva David:
I can't see where we're going.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
There are three ways we can get there. By train...

Officer Ziva David:
That's quaint. We can be like the homos in those old movies.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
"Hobos."

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[Looking a Ziva's passport] That is unfair. No one's passport photo should look this good.

Ziva David:
[Re: a dumpster] Somebody's going to have to go through this. This is disgusting.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Last time I checked, I was Senior Field Agent.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well, it's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee:
But we do!

Ziva David:
You're going to pull rank on me?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
What's your assignment, Admiral Chase?

Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase:
Are you asking me because you want to know if Iverson was coming to see me about something personal or my job?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
I asked you what your assignment was, sir.

Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase:
I don't think this is the place for this discussion. I'm overdue at the Pentagon. I'll get in touch with NCIS this afternoon.

Ziva David:
I'm sure he's all right, Tony. He looked fine getting off the plane.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, so did the guy in front of him, and he ended up dead crammed in a dumpster.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Slow down, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
All right, I got a hit, 15100 1st Street Northeast. Mid-Atlantic Trailways Bus Station.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Tony groans] This is worse than I thought. My father... at a bus station.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
Why didn't you answer my call?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, you did call me in the middle of the night, and I did return it.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
When?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Half an hour ago.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
[Checking his cellphone] Blocked ID. You know I don't accept blocked calls.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
So. you never talked to Iverson on the plane. But you did share a cab into the city.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
Yeah... I'm beginning to feel like a suspect. I don't expect special treatment because I'm junior's father. And I accept that we will never be friends, Gibbs. But I don't like your tone.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Using my father is a very bad idea.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
No other option, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You don't know him like I do. It can lead to nothing but trouble

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Summit starts tomorrow night. He's our entree.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Okay, but please, he *can't* stay at my place.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Tony thinks that it's a mistake to involve you in an NCIS investigation.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
What do you think?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Well, I think I'm sticking my neck out, but I wanted to look you in the eye and see if I was wrong.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
And?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
And I think you're just enough of a con man to pull it off.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
That is a strange thing to stay to someone you're asking to do you a favor.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Is this some sort of game you two play? Have you ever just been honest with each other?

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
There may have been things that I haven't told my son... but I have *never* lied to him. You probably won't believe this, Gibbs, but I'm starting to like you. You're not afraid to say what you think.

NCIS Agent Cashier Fred Seymour:
Anthony DiNozzo Sr is not only staying at a $1500 a night suite. He's also running up a huge tab, spa treatment, manicure, French Champagne, and I just got call he's ordered a limosine for tonight.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Guess you haven't gotten the bill for the flowers yet.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
What is your current relationship with her?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ziva? We're co-workers. We don't have a relationship. It's strictly business.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
Then you won't mind if I make my move *if* the opportunity presents itself.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Dad.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
What?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Please, I beg you, don't embarrass me.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Watching DiNozzo Sr run his hand down Ziva's back] Oh oh. There it is.

Ziva David:
Uh uh.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
This is the beginning of the end of my career.

Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase:
Does Agent David carry a weapon?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
She is a weapon.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
We're DiNozzo's. We don't communicate well.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
We used to, you know. Long time ago. Sometimes, I wish we could rewind to the last time we had a normal father/son relationship.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
When was that?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It was a fishing trip. It was just before mom died, you probably don't remember. [DiNozzo Sr pulls out his wallet] Dad, it's okay, I - [DiNozzo Sr shows Tony a picture]

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
I look at that picture every morning. It's one of my fondest memories too. Okay, from now on, we talk. Let's get out of here before we both start bawling.

Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase:
Gentlemen, this whole situation has gotten a whole lot bigger than a homocide investigation. We'll take from here.

Leon Vance:
Admiral, I've already spoken with SecNav. This is an NCIS investigation. Do I need to remind you why we're a civilian-run agency? With all due respect, Admiral, those stars on your shoulders don't carry much weight in this building.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Sir, if you'd like to be briefed on where we are, what we know so far, you're welcome to stay.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
You know I don't accept blocked calls. How'd you find me?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm a federal agent, dad.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
That doesn't give you a right to violate my privacy. What else do you know?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I know you arrived this morning on a Royce Global private jet, around three a.m.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
You keeping tabs on me, Junior?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm investigating a murder, dad.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
Murder?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Woody Iverson.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
What happened?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
We need you to come down to the Navy Yard.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
I'm beginning to feel like a suspect. I don't expect special treatment because I'm Junior's father, and I accept that you and I will never be friends, Gibbs, but I don't like your tone.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You were the last person to see Iverson alive. How I feel about you, personally, it's irrelevant. This is a murder investigation, and I'll follow it wherever it leads.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[to his father] Are you out of your mind? You don't bring a personal tailor up to your room! Dad, come on. This is a...

[Tony grabs hold of Sr.'s suit]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Wow. That's soft.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
Pure cashmere. One hundred percent virgin.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You rented a cashmere tuxedo?

Anthony DiNozzo Sr:
No, uh, bought it. At least, NCIS did.

Abby Sciuto:
Want to talk knives?

Officer Ziva David:
Always.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
It is a rare place in this world, Mr. Palmer, where reason is the best compass.

Jimmy Palmer:
You are very, um... calm.

Abby Sciuto:
I am. If I keep going to Crazy Town every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to get my mail forwarded.

[as Ducky is wheeled out of surgery]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
My glasses?

[Gibbs puts them back on]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Oh, sweet of you to have held on to them for me while I went under the knife... it's ironic that the solution to one knife should be... Mr. Palmer, would you, would you finish that thought for me?

Jimmy Palmer:
Sure, Doctor.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Oh, and you need to send for a substitute M.E. Uh, Jordan...

Jimmy Palmer:
Doctor Hampton?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Yeah. On my desk you'll find her number, while I myself lie here getting much "numb-er." [chuckles] Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...

[He is wheeled out]

Abby Sciuto:
Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah, well the next phrase she yells means "You killed my brother."... Any idea why she would have said that?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Perhaps because I killed her brother.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Mr. Kort, Agency's keeping you local?

Trent Kort:
Travel is touchy at the moment. I've made a few enemies overseas.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
What? With your winning personality?

Trent Kort:
When you finally open that charm school, let me know.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
I need a favor.

Trent Kort:
Gibbs, I don't like you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
That's okay, I don't like you either. Not trading on kindness.

Trent Kort:
But we *are* trading.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What *exactly* did she tell you?

Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia:
That Dr. Mallard violated Article 4 of the Geneva Convention.

Officer Ziva David:
War crimes?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ducky?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Why are you talking so fast?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Want to get a plan of attack together because according to my internal Gibbs clock, he's about to walk through that door right... Now!... NOW!... [Looks around for Gibbs] Huh?

Officer Ziva David:
Somebody's clock is off.

Trent Kort:
[to Gibbs] Couldn't help but notice these same ends could have been reached with a call from your Director to mine. Creates an official trail, of course. You prefer the back channel approach. In the hope of continuing goodwill, this second one is on the house. [puts a folder labelled Vance on top of Ducky's folder] You really should learn to polish brass.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[Tony's looking at the crime scene photos] Tony, there's nothing new to learn there.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
There has to be!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Why?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
The alternative is that Ducky was Dr. Mengele!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Are you going to make me ask again?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I suppose it's inevitable. When we've reached the tipping point when your curiosity outweighs your courtesy.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
What the *hell's* wrong with you Ducky? Your life is in the balance here! Huh? What did you do there?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Only what was required of me.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Are you *protecting* this guy?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I am protecting no one, Jethro. Look, if you intend to unravel strings further on this matter, I would prefer you leave them unpulled.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
No.

Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia:
Lack of respect shown by you and your people, you will create an international incident.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You're the diplomat, not me.

Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia:
Obviously. Dr. Mallard?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Ambassador?

Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia:
Have you brought legal counsel?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
I don't need counsel. I've come here to surrender.

Marcin Jerek:
[Entering a room] I'm taken from my home by federal agents, delivered to the Afghani government, and accused of war crimes. And after all this, it's just... Ducky.

Marcin Jerek:
I suspect Trent is to blame for this betrayal.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[From observation] "Trent?"

Marcin Jerek:
Destiny of students to disappoint their masters.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
What was the point in it all?

Marcin Jerek:
How can you still not see?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Well, what did you want from him?

Marcin Jerek:
Nothing! I wanted *nothing* from him.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[realizing] Javid was not your target. He was your weapon.

Marcin Jerek:
The boy was a means to break a man. Your bleeding heart eased everyone's fears. Without fear I could not do my job.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
You were torturing *me*.

Marcin Jerek:
To change you. But you took too long to break.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You're forgiven.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
For the crime, Jethro. For the act, there is no forgiveness.

[Jimmy is trying to carry on in Autopsy by himself]

Jimmy Palmer:
[speaking to the latest corpse] So... you're dead. Sorry about that. [imitating Ducky] Poor fellow... if it's any consolation, all indications are that you went out... with a bang.

[pause]

Jimmy Palmer:
Oh, forget it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Dr Berkley, I'm Tony.

Dr. Helen Berkley:
I know who you are, my daughter told me you'd be the one in the over-priced shoes.

Timothy McGee:
[following behind Director Shephard] Ever seen anyone walk that fast in heels?

Anthony DiNozzo:
Only after a very hairy date.

Anthony DiNozzo:
[Tony and McGee are going through paperwork] This recall paperwork is mind numbing.

Timothy McGee:
Well, legal statutes, mandatory procedures and corporate oversights are meant to protect us.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Whatever happened to Darwinism?

Timothy McGee:
You have to sign a release for that.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Have you ever lied to someone you love?

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
[after a brief pause] Yes.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Did they ever forgive you?

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
They never found out.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[jovially, after arriving at NCIS and coming face-to-face with Kort] Hey, my car blew up this morning. Did you do that?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[after La Grenouille leaves Jenny's house] If the weapon was loaded and I wasn't here, would you have pulled the trigger?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
I guess we'll never know.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[to a terrorist who has taken him and two others hostage] I can't wait to weigh your liver.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[Abby is listening to loud music in the lab] Abby, turn down that babble!

Ari Haswari:
[after Ducky tries to get him to take the stairs] You tried to trick me, Doctor Mallard.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
It *wasn't* a condition!

Ari Haswari:
It is *now*!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Surely, you understand the power of phobias.

Ari Haswari:
[exhales] Butterflies.

Gerald Jackson:
I never figured anyone who slept in a coffin could have a phobia. But, it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get.

Ari Haswari:
She slept in a coffin?

Ari Haswari:
[after Kate drops off the evidence, he sneaks up behind her as she approaches the elevator] When did lab rats start carrying Sig Sauers?

Ari Haswari:
You any good with this gun, Caitlin?

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Give it back and I'll demonstrate!

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
I don't know how you came in.

Ari Haswari:
In a body bag.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Same way you're going out!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[quietly to Kate as she's eyeing a scalpel] Kate! No! He *wants* you to try!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[after Kate's failed attempt to attack him] Uh, could you give me a go?

Ari Haswari:
I think not, Doctor. You would kill me *without* hesitation.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
[Ari shot Gerald in the shoulder] You bastard!

Ari Haswari:
You seem like such a bright young woman and that's all you can say?

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
You *f***ing* bastard!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
He knows we're on to him.

Abby Sciuto:
[in the bullpen, McGee has her on speakerphone] Which one of you wants to be "Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs!"?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Let's track Wallace's movements after he went UA.

Abby Sciuto:
His cell phone's off.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Then, uh... can we hack into, uh... his GPS REM thingy? And back trace his memory deal?

Abby Sciuto:
Um. None of those things are... things, Gibbs. And one of them is a band.

Officer Ziva David:
Get anything?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah. An offer. Maybe his tech adviser on his next film. It's about a psycho sex-crazed cop.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
"Life and Times of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[Examining a body in the field] Cuts across the upper torso. He's been stabbed multiple times. I mean - [Ducky lifts a hand of the body] He's missing a middle finger. Appears to be sawed off.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
The other hand too, Duck.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[Ducky lifts the other hand] Anything else you care to tell me about this fellow, Jethro?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Dead 11 years.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
And?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
And I know who did it.

Officer Ziva David:
[as Abby returns McGee's game] Uh frankly, I do not understand the fascination with uh, electronic games. It shortens attention spans, curbs productivity, and it *kills* brain cells.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Enough with the long sentences. Who can follow all that?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[after getting a call] Maryland's Women's Prison! Let's go.

Abby Sciuto:
Wait! That's where McGee is. [Steps in front of Gibbs] Is everything okay? [Gibbs stares at her] Everything's not okay. [Gibbs moves past her] Wait! What happened? Gibbs!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Gibbs goes back to Abby] Abby, I'll call you. All right?

Warden Gene Halsey:
This prison has a no-hostage policy. Meaning every man. woman and child who comes in those gates gives up the right to be rescued. But believe me, I'm going to everything I can to minimize casualties. I got men in there too. And I'm kind of busy. [leaves]

Warden Gene Halsey:
All right, what's the situation?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Actually I've been told I can only deal directly with my boss, Special Agent Gibbs. They're watching us now.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
First thing, we have to find the murder weapon. I'm going to have to frisk you.

Angela Lopez:
Frisk who?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
All of you... [no response] Who wants to go first...? [no response] So much for cooperation.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Need to find his killer.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah. In a room full of them.

Abby Sciuto:
I can't take this. Everyday you guys go out and I never know if you're going to make it back. I mean it's killing me! I can't sleep at night. I'm developing some sort of weird twitch.

Officer Ziva David:
Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.

Abby Sciuto:
Then get a *safer* job!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Then you wouldn't see us at all.

Abby Sciuto:
True. Still... sucks!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well, you seemed to have taken responsibility for your crimes.

Judy Williams:
It's a mixed blessing. First few years here, I was angry at everybody. Blamed the world for my crappy childhood. Then I got in a Prison Program, training seeing-eye dogs. One day I'm training this puppy, and it hits me. I killed an innocent person who didn't do any harm... Now I can't wait until the day I die. So I can find that soul and apologize for the terrible thing I did. Look, I don't know if Celia did what they say. But if she did, I don't know what it'll take for her to face up to it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
That's it! I'm finished! I'm done. All right? You want to know who killed Trimble? Figure it out yourselves!

Celia Roberts:
[to Angela] See what you did?

Angela Lopez:
Maybe you'll feel differently if I TOOK YOUR EAR!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I've never hit a woman before, but if you come at me with that thing, I *will* drop you!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Prison guard as an inmate.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I hear they make you Prom Queen. And every night is Prom Night.

Abby Sciuto:
[to Gibbs] Oh by the way, if they ask you at the prison, I'm your boss.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[Talking to his mechanic] Listen up, because this is what you're going to do. You're going to take the first estimate and take 10% off. Then you're going to find my part, install the part, and have my car parked out front ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Wow. Who would've guessed that McGee would grow a pair in women's prison.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[on the phone] I put away killers for a living. That's what I do. Now you do exactly what I told you, and we won't have any problems. Understood?... Good. Clock's ticking. [hangs up]

Abby Sciuto:
Wow, McGee. You're time in the big house really changed you. I *like* it!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Sometimes this job sucks.

Officer Ziva David:
Sharon Bellows was in for killing an abusive boyfriend...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
And while she's inside, her daughter's being abused. Trimble was scum.

Officer Ziva David:
It makes no difference in the eyes of the law.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Hence the word "sucks."

[McGee has been ordered to get a convicted murderess to confess to another murder]

Officer Ziva David:
There is no doubt in my mind that you will get that confession, McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[looks smugly at Tony] Thank you, Ziva.

[He leaves]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
He's toast, isn't he?

Officer Ziva David:
Oh, yes. Burnt toast.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
None of the visitors or the injured guard saw Trimble get stabbed, boss.

Officer Ziva David:
The DEA is cross-checking all inmates with links to known drug dealers.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I've got a feeling that's going to be a long list.

Officer Ziva David:
They're checking prison employees, as well.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Security footage.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Got it right here, boss.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
And?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'll be like your closed captioning.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
My what?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[dismissing an explanation] I'll talk. You listen.

Gibbs:
Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.

Ernie Yost:
You... you were never an officer?

Gibbs:
Oh, hell no.

Ernie Yost:
I knew there was something I liked about you... [he throws a haymaker at Gibbs's face, Gibbs ducks with a grin]

Gibbs:
Or you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
He won the Medal of Honor?

Gibbs:
You don't "win" the Medal of Honor, Kate. You're awarded it, for conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty.

Ernie Yost:
They took my license away.

Anthony DiNozzo:
How come?

Ernie Yost:
Got old. It's a fatal mistake. But I can fly anywhere for free. But... I, uh, I don't have anybody to visit any more.

Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm sorry. What a waste. How'd you score a sweet deal like that?

[Yost pulls out his Medal and shows it to Tony]

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Lt. Commander Coleman is going to use this to put Yost away for the rest of his life.

Anthony DiNozzo:
Do we have to tell her?

Gibbs:
[sarcastically] Well, no, Special Agent DiNozzo. Here at NCIS we just report evidence we like.

[first lines]

Henry:
Gibbs.

Gibbs:
Hey, morning, Henry!

Henry:
That sushi place you sent me to...

Gibbs:
What, you didn't like it?

Henry:
I liked it fine, only you didn't tell me I had to speak Japanese to order.

Gibbs:
You don't order; you eat what you're served, with a smile. Just like being married.

Gibbs:
McGee: he says he's been reporting this to 9-1-1, can't get anybody to believe him.

Timothy McGee:
Gee, what a surprise.

Gibbs:
Trace the call, I want to hear one of them.

Timothy McGee:
On it.

Gibbs:
Kate: he's a former Marine, probably WWII. Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his SRB.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Got his Social Security number?

Gibbs:
They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
So how am I supposed to get his SRB without his serial number?

Gibbs:
Well, Kate, you could ask him.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his shoe size...

Gibbs:
[barks an order] Corporal Yost!

Ernie Yost:
Yo!

Gibbs:
Serial number!

Ernie Yost:
3-3-0-0-9-0, *sir*!

Gibbs:
[to Kate] Or, you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients.

[last lines]

Ernie Yost:
And you were never on Iwo Jima.

Hitoshi Yoshida:
Iwo Jima? No.

Ernie Yost:
Ah...

Hitoshi Yoshida:
Guadalcanal. [Ernie looks at him with surprise. Smiling, Hitoshi pours himself a cup of sake, and he and Ernie clink cups together]

[Coleman enters the squadroom with two Marine MPs]

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
Where's Gibbs?

Anthony DiNozzo:
And a good afternoon to you too, Commander Coleman.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
He was to deliver Corporal Yost to me...

Ernie Yost:
Present and accounted for, sir!

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
...at 0800. You're Ernest Yost?

Ernie Yost:
[stands at attention] Yes, ma'am.

Anthony DiNozzo:
This is Lieutenant Commander Coleman, Ernie, JAG Corps. She's here to, um... arrest you.

Ernie Yost:
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Commander.

Anthony DiNozzo:
[referring to the two Marines] What's with the Olsen twins?

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
They're here to escort the accused to Quantico.

Ernie Yost:
Well, it's about time.

[He holds out his hands to be cuffed, but Kate pushes them down]

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
*We'll* deliver him.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
You've had two days to do that.

[DiNozzo pulls aside Ernie's tie, revealing the Medal of Honor. Coleman and the Marines snap to attention, and the Marines salute]

[Entering the NCIS building, Ernie sets off the metal detector]

Henry:
Are you wearing jewelry?

Ernie Yost:
Oh, forgot. Senior moment.

[From around his neck he pulls a medal. Henry looks at it, astonished]

Gibbs:
Henry... we're in the presence of a Medal of Honor recipient.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
I'm tired of arguing with you, Gibbs. I want Corporal Yost taken into custody.

Gibbs:
I can't.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
Damn it, Gibbs! Do you think I want to incarcerate an eighty-two year old man? I am following the SecNav's direct orders! He said, "investigate," you did, and found enough evidence to hold him over for a court-martial. Now take him into custody!

Gibbs:
I said, "can't," not "wouldn't."

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped.

Gibbs:
The older they are, the sneakier they are.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every fifteen minutes. We got tired of escorting him. One time, he left the room and never came back.

Timothy McGee:
We found a window open, he must have shimmied down the drainpipe.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman:
[sarcastic] I'd like to have seen that.

Timothy McGee:
I put out an APB. Airports. Train stations. Taxicabs. Walker... rentals.

[toasting each other with cups of sake]

Gibbs:
Semper Fi!

Ernie Yost:
Semper Fi!

[they drink, and Yost coughs]

Ernie Yost:
Sail again?

Gibbs:
Yeah, why not?

[Gibbs calls to the sushi chef in Japanese. The chef responds, and Ernie is surprised to recognize Hitoshi, who refills their cups]

Gibbs:
Arigato.

Ernie Yost:
You conned me, Gunny.

Gibbs:
Nah, would I do that to you?

Ernie Yost:
You're damn right you would... and I want to thank you for it.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Trust... loyalty. They're important.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Guess after today you know all about that... How are we going to do in that department?

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
[after receiving voicemail on the case] If there's anything you'd like to tell me *now* would be a good time. [Gibbs heads for the door] Where the hell are you going? [Gibbs opens the door Senator Kiley enters]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Director Vance meet Senator Kiley.

[Tony learns Abby let Ziva stay at her apartment]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You two spent the night together? What's going on here, McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Don't know, don't care. None of my business, DiNosey.

Ziva David:
[pulling Tony aside] You are such a control geek.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Freak.

Ziva David:
Yes. That, too. Why do you always need to know everything that everybody does, Tony?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[entering] What he needs to know is that a lieutenant commander's body was found in Rock Creek Park.

Ziva David:
You just love snooping around into other people's lives, don't you?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah. That's why I became a cop.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Talking about Gibbs' hunch] It was on the nose.

Ziva David:
Whose nose?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It was on the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You're reverting. You were doing better before you went to Israel.

[Gibbs sneaks up behind a hiding suspect]

David Runion:
How... how'd you...?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Sneak up on you like that?

David Runion:
Yeah.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead, instead of under arrest. Any other questions?

David Runion:
Uh-uh.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
These are the last two people to have seen the Staff Sergeant alive: his best friend, and his wife. Do you think that either or both of them could have murdered the staff sergeant?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, it is kind of weird, a single guy hanging out with a married couple.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I agree.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Why is that weird?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, because he's a single guy who hangs out with married people.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
I do that all the time.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, but you bring a date, right?

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Not always.

[Tony and McGee trade a look]

Agent Caitlin Todd:
What?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, who usually invites you?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
The man or the woman?

Agent Caitlin Todd:
I don't know... I guess, usually the guy.

[Another look]

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Okay, for your information, a lot of my friends are from the Secret Service, and most of them happen to be men.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, what about your girlfriend who called you yesterday?

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Well, Deb is married to one of my buddies, Rick.

[Tony and McGee start to snicker]

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Okay, so what you're saying is that all of my married, male friends secretly want to sleep with me.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Pretty much.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
That's very mature, Tony. And for your information, men and women *can* just be friends. Isn't that right, McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Technically.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
What do you mean, "technically?"

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
He means, she'd have to be pretty ugly first.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[as he and Tony both crack up laughing] Wait, wait, I didn't say that...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
At least I don't hang out with married people, Kate.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
[to Abby] Will you please tell him that men and women can just be friends?

Abby Sciuto:
Absolutely they can.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Without having sex?

Abby Sciuto:
Oh no, they'll have sex.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Abby!

Abby Sciuto:
What, Kate, you never slept with a friend?

Agent Caitlin Todd:
[upset] What is wrong with you people?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[entering] Good question, Kate.

[McGee's hands and face are covered with poison ivy]

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What I don't understand is how it got all over my face.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
It's the urushiol oil in the plant, McGee. Once it gets on your hands, it spreads to anything it comes in contact with.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well... then I have a major problem, Ducky.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Hmm?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
When I was out there, I had to... you know...

Dr. Donald Mallard:
No, I don't.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Relieve myself.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Oh. [realizing] Oh... well, uh, let's take a look, then.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[unbuckles his pants] This is, uh, this is kind of embarrassing...

Dr. Donald Mallard:
I'm a doctor, McGee. I have seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.

[McGee drops his pants]

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Good lord.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What? What, is it bad?

Dr. Donald Mallard:
No, no, it's fine. Nothing to worry about. I didn't expect to see quite so much... swelling.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
If Tony finds out about this, I'm gonna have to quit.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Well, your secret is safe with me.

[Jimmy enters]

Jimmy Palmer:
Doctor, I've got the new evaluation forms you req...

[He trails off as he takes in the scene]

Jimmy Palmer:
I'll come back.

[Jimmy leaves]

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Him I'm not so sure about.

[McGee has a livid rash covering half his face]

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
So... honestly, how do I look?

Abby Sciuto:
Um, do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to ease the burden of your own self-loathing?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I'd prefer the lie.

Abby Sciuto:
Me, too.

[after Gibbs blows up Runion's trailer with Runion inside]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I think you got him, Boss.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
[about Runion's dog] What are we going to do with this thing? [off Gibbs's look] No... no way, Gibbs.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'll take her! I always wanted a dog.

[the dog barks and growls at him]

Agent Caitlin Todd:
[laughing] Oh, good dog! I think I'll call you Tony.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
It's a b*tch, Kate.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
I know.

Jimmy Palmer:
What I don't understand is all this flesh trauma.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Coyotes, Mr. Palmer. If, as I suspect...

[He looks under the sheet]

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Ah, yes. The abdominal cavity has been chewed open. The liver and kidneys are a rich source of nutrients for these creatures.

Jimmy Palmer:
Well, that's, uh... gross, Doctor.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Well, we lucked out, actually, Mr. Palmer. In several cases, coyotes chew off the head and carry it away with them, to prevent it being grabbed by other predators. Yeah, my coroner friend in Los Angeles says that, "coyotes take it to go."

[beat]

Dr. Donald Mallard:
They're very strange in Los Angeles.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Sergeant William Moore, transferred from Camp Lejune to Quantico two months ago. He was serving as an EI for all newly commissioned Marine officers.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
EI?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
"Enlisted Instructor", probie.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Uh, what did he teach, Kate?

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Well, according to his records, uh, MOUT.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
MOUT stands for military operations

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[interrupting] Yes, I know what it stands for, Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well excuse me for trying to help junior agents.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Trust me, when I, uh, need help, you'll be the first person I ask. Where Gibbs or Kate is.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
[after Tony sneaks up on her] Could you stop doing that?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I'm practicing, Kate.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
What? Annoying me?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No. The creepy way Gibbs used to sneak up on us.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
What do you mean "used to"?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
The old man's been using BenGay lately. I can smell him coming a mile away.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[from directly behind Tony] That a fact, DiNozzo?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Knee feeling better, boss?

[Gibbs leans out from behind Tony]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Much.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Great.

Tony DiNozzo:
Kate! Oh, no...

Motorcycle Rider:
Who's Kate?

Tony DiNozzo:
My dog, she must have jumped out. Kate! Kate! Come here, girl. Oh, God... [feigns injury] Ah, ah... my leg...

Jeffrey White:
Can you move it?

Motorcycle Rider:
Wait here, I'll get her. What does she look like?

Tony DiNozzo:
Aaaaaa... Shih Tzu.

Motorcycle Rider:
A what?

Tony DiNozzo:
Long, brown, hair, kinda mangey.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Oh!

Abby Sciuto:
Are you all right?

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Gibbs is driving.

Abby Sciuto:
I'm saying a prayer in many languages.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
You got him?

Abby Sciuto:
Are you honestly asking me that?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No Abs. I called to flirt.

Motorcycle Rider:
My bike was stolen, you gotta help me.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Who stole it?

Motorcycle Rider:
Two guys. Their truck went off the road, I was helping them find their dog.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
They had a dog?

Motorcycle Rider:
A Shih Tzu named Kate.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
[annoyed] They had a dog named Kate?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What's a Shih Tzu?

Agent Caitlin Todd:
It's a little, annoying dog. Did they describe it?

Motorcycle Rider:
Yeah, they said it had long, brown, hair, kinda mangey.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
I'm going to shoot him.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
[video-conference on MTAC plasma screen] Either I speak to Agent Gibbs and get a full accounting of this investigation, or I've been authorized to pull NCIS from the investigation and put it under the FBI's jurisdiction.

Timothy McGee:
[Plucking up courage] You're getting in the way.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
Excuse me, Agent McGee?

Timothy McGee:
We are working very hard. We have an undercover agent who is missing, he's risking his life and your constant interruptions are keeping me from doing my job.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
You lost your prisoners! You lost your agent!

Timothy McGee:
That is not true.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
That's what you told me.

Timothy McGee:
Look, the truth is that while Agent DiNozzo is lost, Jeffrey White is still with him. So Jeffrey White technically is with an NCIS agent, and therefore technically is still in custody.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
[Sarcastically] Well, you've clearly been empowered to tell me off.

Timothy McGee:
Yes ma'am.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
And what exactly did Agent Gibbs...

Timothy McGee:
He told me to... tell you to ... stick it.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
[with disbelief] You're telling me... to...

Timothy McGee:
Stick it! Thank you, Ms Deputy Secretary of State, our conversation is now over. [indicates to cut link]

[MTAC staff break into applause]

[first lines]

Voice on radio:
Transport three three four, we're hearin' a tractor trailer flipped over on 295. It's a parking lot.

Federal Marshal Van Driver:
Three three four, roger that, tell the judge we're gonna be a little while. We'll peel off at New Kent. I'll take King William to River Road.

Federal Marshal:
Nah, just stay on 17 the whole way.

Federal Marshal Van Driver:
Yeah, wait one. My *wife* is giving me directions.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[on phone to Abby] Put McGee on.

Abby Sciuto:
[to McGee] He wants you.

Timothy McGee:
How'd he know I was here?

Abby Sciuto:
[putting headset on McGee] Because he's Gibbs.

[Gibbs keeps getting cell phone calls about a VW for sale.]

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Do I seem like the kind of guy who would drive a *squishy little car*?

MTAC Control Officer:
Where's Gibbs?

Timothy McGee:
Who needs to know?

MTAC Control Officer:
I'm the new senior MTAC control officer. Where is he?

Timothy McGee:
Why, he is in the field.

MTAC Control Officer:
The Director's office called. In five minutes, the Deputy Secretary of State, Anna Elliot...

Timothy McGee:
Wha... wha... the Deputy Secretary... of the United States?

MTAC Control Officer:
No. Norway.

Agent Caitlin Todd:
Cash, clothes, and a car. Everything Tony loves.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Let's just hope he's not heading for Vegas.

Tony DiNozzo:
I'm not used to waking up this close to a man's face, Jeffrey.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Never lost an agent under cover, Kate. I am not about to let DiNozzo screw that up.

[last lines]

Tony DiNozzo:
Really liked him.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah! Yeah, I can see that.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
You know what? Can we stop it with the secrecy and everything? [Gibbs looks skeptical] Here, I'll go first. I... [deep breath] I'm worried about Tony. There. I said it, and i feel *happy* now.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[incredulous and mocking] You feel *happy?* From *that?*

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Yeah. [Stares at Gibbs, expecting a confession]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Well?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
This conversation is over. [steps out of the car]

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Yeah, I thought so.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
Either I speak to Agent Gibbs and get a full accounting of this investigation, or I have been authorized to pull NCIS from the investigation and put it under the FBI's jurisdiction.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You're getting in the way.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
Excuse me, Agent McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
We are working very hard. We have an undercover agent who is missing. He is risking his life. And your constant interruptions are keeping me from doing my job.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
You lost your prisoners! You lost your agent!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
That is not true.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
That's what you told me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Look, the truth is that while Agent DiNozzo is lost, Jeffery White is still with him. so Jeffery White, technically, is with an NCIS agent,and, therefore, technically is still in custody.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
Well, you've clearly been empowered to tell me off.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Yes, ma'am.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
And what, exactly, did Agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
He told me to tell you to "stick it."

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot:
you're telling me to...

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Stick it! Thank you, Ms. Deputy Secretary of State. Our conversation is now over.

[after McGee follows Gibbs' order to tell the Deputy Secretary of State to "stick it"]

Timothy McGee:
I told her, the Deputy Secretary of State.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yeah? How'd it work?

Timothy McGee:
Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
McGee!

[pause]

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Good job.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Abs, do you have him?

Abby Sciuto:
[smug] Are you seriously asking me that?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[deadpan] No, I called to flirt.

Abby Sciuto:
[rushing into the bullpen] Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Sounds like Abby's had a breakthrough.

Diane Sterling:
And you have no idea who I am! You overgrown armed Smurf! I need to see Agent Gibbs and I need to see him NOW!

Metro P.D. LEO:
You're going to have to wait.

Diane Sterling:
All right officer 960. Thank you...

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Entering] Whoa. Whoa!

Diane Sterling:
Very much, Mr. Wilson.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What's going on?

Metro P.D. LEO:
You know this woman?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
My ex-wife.

Rebecca:
[Entering] Hello, J.

Metro P.D. LEO:
And that one?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
...Also my ex-wife.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Pilgrims and Indians gambling together, eh? Warms the heart.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You test the intelligence of these kids?

Krista Dalton:
No, they test ours.

Krista Dalton:
Parker's specialty is the redeployment of rapid response groups.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
I thought we had people at the Pentagon who do that.

Krista Dalton:
We do. But we've found that gifted children have a less linear, less bureaucratic way of approaching things. Simpler. Cleaner. Purer.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
In the meantime, I hope you like being swabbed, poked and pricked.

Eddie Castillo:
Why?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
'Cause we're checking you for gunshot residue, blood and dirt from the crime scene. Anything I can think of. You know why? Because you're messing with my holdays... And I don't like it when people mess with my Thanksgiving!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Boss, you're gonna wanna see this. According to security sensor, Lance Corporal Lazada entered the dorm wing this morning at 6 AM.

Ziva David:
That is impossible. He was dead.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Exactly. Dorm access requires a palm scan, boss.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[while the elevator is stopped] I told you, you're safe here.

Angela Kelp:
I know. That's not it. I'm not in danger.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Who is?

Angela Kelp:
[Long pause] Nobody. [Angela restarts the elevator]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Glad we talked.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You're telling me that a decorated Marine called *you* instead of the cops?

Eddie Castillo:
He said if he went to the cops, and the girl's life would be in danger. I don't know why.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Girl have a name?

Eddie Castillo:
Angela.

Abby Sciuto:
Ugh... Mmm. Sorry. My cousin Tetra's Lime Jell-o with yams, marsmallows and pecans. Some family traditions should not be upheld. That really, really, *really* sucked!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[DiNozzo's looking at some artwork] Tony, Abby already unhid it. It's frequency jamming signals.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, maybe if I - maybe if I try to unfocus bet- [Gibbs enters and slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Focus DiNozzo.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
That's it, boss. Out of focus. It's dolphins in moonligh. Thanks boss!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Anytime.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[to Angela's mother] You really thought she was getting paid all that just to play video games?

Ziva David:
No, it was my fault.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
I distracted you from doing your job.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
It's both of your faults. Focus on fixing it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
It's still classified.

Krista Dalton:
Technically, but it...

Ziva David:
Which makes it technially: treason.

Gregg Norvell:
She'll miss.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[to Angela] What's the probability of that?

Angela Kelp:
Based on the temperature and humidity. No wind. Half-moon. Good light. 97.6%.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Last chance Norvell.

Gregg Norvell:
Move or I'll do it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Take it! [Ziva takes the shot]

Dr. Donald Mallard:
A toast. Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good cheer for fall.

Abby Sciuto:
And to all a good night... Wrong holiday.

Angela Kelp:
You want to talk to me because Trevor and I were friends, right?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Uh huh.

Angela Kelp:
Did somebody... kill him?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Why would you ask that?

Angela Kelp:
Because people emote more sympathy when it's an accident. You're searching. Curious.

[handing Angela's cell phone to Abby]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
Turn this into pictures.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[last lines; as the team speeds away from the Chimera in the pirates' motor launch, a cruise missile streaks overhead and destroys the ship] Guess the Navy didn't want anyone to know the ship existed.

Officer Ziva David:
How did they know we got off the ship?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I don't think they did.

[in the abandoned mess hall, the team sees the left-behind "meals" being eaten by the crew]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, whatever it is must be pretty scary if it got them to ditch this delicious looking... what is this?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Don't ask me. [Tony starts to say something] That's not a request, it's a *command*!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[as McGee stumbles while taking photos] Steady, Probie.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Tell that to my stomach.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[leans down] Steady, Probie's stomach.

Abby Sciuto:
You guys okay?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm dealing with my boat phobia. Tony's dealing with his rat phobia. And Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.

Abby Sciuto:
So what's Gibbs dealing with?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Gibbs enters] Them!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You know, the last time you were dying of a horrible disease, you were a little more stoic about the whole thing.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I was younger then... carefree.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
It was two years ago.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Last time I almost died someone blew up my car! So that's twice I've almost died, and this is the *third* time! And bad stuff happens in threes! And I'm out of almosts! I'm telling you, man! This time I'm *dying*! I *know* it!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Ok, but until you are actually dead, will you please help me fix this thing?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
I don't know you well enough, Commander.

Commander Skinner:
We can fix that.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
You can cut the charm. Higher ranking, richer and *definitely* better looking men have tried that on me and didn't get very far. Now I can't speak for you, Commander, but I didn't get where I am because of my looks. Now get your eyes off of *me* and put some on that ship!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[to the Director] We're still running tests. Don't know right now.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[Ducky Enters] Yes we do. My initial diagnosis of asphixia was incorrect, I'm afraid. It looks as if Takada died from viral hemorrhagic fever to which, by now, we have all been exposed.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Can't leave the ship?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
That's not a problem, Jethro. If my diagnosis is correct, we'll all be dead by morning.

Officer Ziva David:
Someone or something is on the ship, with us. I can feel it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[peering over DiNozzo's shoulder] Uh, yeah, I can see it.

[a large rat is eye-level behind DiNozzo. He turns around, sees the live rat, and jumps back in fright. The rat scurries away. DiNozzo exhales]

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[smiling] Scared much, DiNozzo?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Stuff it, Mc-Barf-bag.

Officer Ziva David:
It's just a cute, little rat. Why the irrational fear?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It's not cute. It's not little. And it's not irrational.

Officer Ziva David:
Cowardly, then.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Not if you're, uh, someone who survived a bout of bubonic plague, thank you very much! Rats are a known carrier. I used to love rats, back before the plague. Was a regular Willard.

Officer Ziva David:
What is a "Willard?"

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
It's a movie.

Officer Ziva David:
Mm.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Willard had a pet rat named Ben, was a social misfit, made fun of by his coworkers, had a creepy boss.

Officer Ziva David:
No wonder you're related.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You think Gibbs is creepy?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
She meant the social-misfit-made-fun-of part.

Officer Ziva David:
Shh! Did you hear that?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No.

Officer Ziva David:
There's something aboard... other than a rat.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What do your astute, ninja Mossad senses tell you it is?

Officer Ziva David:
In the Mossad, part of the training is to be open to things you cannot see, or even understand.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You mean the supernatural.

Officer Ziva David:
Call it what you want, not everything can be explained by the laws of the natural world.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You believe in ghosts?

Officer Ziva David:
I do not *not* believe in ghosts... or demons... or monsters. We *are* on a ship called the "Chimera."

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I thought "chimera" meant a delusion or fantasy.

Officer Ziva David:
In Greek mythology, a chimera is a monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a dragon's tail.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
So you think they named this ship the "Chimera" because there's a monster on board.

Officer Ziva David:
[dead serious] They-did-not-name-it-the-"Puppy!"

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in "White Heat", fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman in "Butch Cassidy", hail of bullets.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
How about Charlie Chaplin in "Gold Rush"?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
How'd he die?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Silently.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Seeing as how my agents now have control over your ship, I am going to instruct them to investigate *any* and ALL aspects of the Chimera's operation that will help them determine what they are up against! NOTHING will be off limits!

Commander Skinner:
You can't do that!

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
You can't stop me!

Commander Skinner:
This is a CLASSIFIED mission!

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
Then read me into it!

Commander Skinner:
[pause] Even if I wanted to read you into the Chimera's mission, I CAN'T do that over an MTAC feed! The file has to be read to you in PERSON.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard:
If you think, I'm going to stand idly by while my agents lives are in *danger*, you are SADLY mistaken! I will be waiting for you AND your file, Commander!

Commander Skinner:
Now you - [Shephard motions to the MTAC personnel to cut the signal]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[singing] Baa baa, black ship/Have you any wool?/Yes sir, yes sir/But in order to see it you're going to need top secret government clearance.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What the hell is that noise?

Abby Sciuto:
Brain Matter.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[pause] I love them.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Looks like someone tossed a lot of creamed corn to make room for him.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Don't say that again, please.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Tossed?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No. Creamed corn.

Abby Sciuto:
Now place two drops of the methalane blue on your slide.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[adds the drops] We're good.

Abby Sciuto:
Of course, blood that's passed through someone's G.I. tract has a very *particular* smell...

[Tony sniffs the slide]

Abby Sciuto:
But since this guy may have died from a highly contagious virus, whatever you do, *don't* inhale!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[slight pause] We're not good!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[staring at his forearm] Anyone else feeling itchy? Maybe that's a bug bite.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Or a rat bite.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, no, no. Look at that spot.

Officer Ziva David:
It's a freckle.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It's not a freckle.

Officer Ziva David:
Freckle.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Never had a freckle there.

Officer Ziva David:
You've always had that freckle.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Uh, how would you know whether I had a freckle or didn't have a freckle? And by the way, I have never had that freckle!

Officer Ziva David:
I know there was something there.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[sarcastically] Like my freckle?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[about cracking a high tech lock] It could take some time.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
We're not going anywhere.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Ok. [Gibbs, Ziva, and Tony walk away] I thought you said you we're going anywhere.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
DiNozzo, get this to Ducky.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Me? That's a dead, diseased rat. [Gibbs gives him a look] Which is why it may aid Dr. Mallard in his investigation. Which is why I'd be pleased as punch to walk back through this ship with a dead, diseased rat.

Officer Ziva David:
You can show Ducky your freckle.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You ever see "Run Silent, Run Deep"?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
The "run silent" part sounds good.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Feel my head.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Why?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Just feel it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I don't want to. It's all sweaty.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Exactly. I got the frickin' fever. I'm burning up, man.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
The ventilation's off, Tony. We're all burning up.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[looking through a bag] Transponders?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
From what?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
My guess, E-PIRBs.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
That's my guess, too. [pause] What are E-PIRBs again?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[carrying a dead rat] Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Films That Take Place on Ships" for 500. Thank you. [the ship's lights go out] Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
So, pirates that weren't really pirates, who were actually Russian sailors, were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Uh-huh.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Okay.

[to Commander Skinner]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I don't give a damn about your secrets, Commander! I care about keeping my team safe.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[to Ziva after McGee has thrown up] Five minutes. You owe me ten bucks.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Where's McGee?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Calling Earl. Shouting groceries. Making street pizza. Technicolor yawn.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[to Gibbs, coming out of the bathroom] Found something.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Lost something, too.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[to DiNozzo and Ducky] I used both of you because I knew you could handle it.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
What do you need from us now?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Patience.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Ducky takes one look at a body] Something familiar, Doctor? Reminds me of... Gibraltar.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
[exhales] Yeah. That... was the case.

Jimmy Palmer:
What happened in Gibraltar?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
That's a story for another time, Mr. Palmer. [closes the lid on the crate] Let's get back to the van, there's nothing more for us to do here.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I didn't come down here to get my head shrunk.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Why did you come down here?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Just killing time.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard:
Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I hit my face on your door.

Abby Sciuto:
Why'd you do that?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I don't know, because the door's locked? That door's *never* locked. It's rarely been closed.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Oh last thing, the other side's using live fire. Do not engage. Do not resist if caught. Get in, get the intel, get out. Nobody gets hurt.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
Who was that guy?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Tony takes a seat] Well, there's this little drinking game sailors taught me during my time as an agent afloat. Someone calls for a coin, you pull out one of these. [Pulls out a coin] Whoever has the highest officer's coin, whoever's rubbed elbows with the biggest brass, everyone else has to buy him drinks. That's who that guy was. The downside here is someone is lying to us. The upside is, [Flips the coin to Ziva] we never have to pay for a drink again. [Ziva looks at the Sec Nav Coin]

Abby Sciuto:
You *lost* a body?

Jimmy Palmer:
I didn't lose him. No! He was - stolen, and that's not even the weirdest part. We showed up at the crime scene and there he was. I think Gibbs had something to do with it. And - and Dr. Mallard looks like he wants to kill someone. I don't want it to be me. So [tries to move past Abby] I'm going...

Abby Sciuto:
You *cannot* hide here! [shoves him out of her lab]

Jimmy Palmer:
Please!

Abby Sciuto:
No!

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
I'm sorry to pull you out of it sir. It was unavoidable.

Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport:
Oh, I love the Russians. Their cold calculating approach to this business makes me feel positively sentimental in comparison. Do you have a light?

[Gibbs holds up his lighter for the Sev Nav]

Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport:
Gibbs isn't it?

Abby Sciuto:
Stop interogatting me, McGee!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Stop acting weird!

Abby Sciuto:
I *am* weird!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[regard Domino] Leave it.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
But...

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
It's bogus, DiNozzo... The whole installation is bogus.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
Nothing is real?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Just the threat.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Do you know who it is?... Do *we* know who it is?

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
Someone close to us.

Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport:
When the vacancy was created at the top of your agency, you induced me to give you this post. The deal was simple: [speaks clearly and distinctly] Get your house in order!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
How would he arrange for Lee to shoot Langer?

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
Easiest way.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
The Mole is [Lee exits the elevator and walks to them] benign. Which is fantastic because I was a little worried. And so the dermatologist said "That's not a carcenoma. It's a beauty mark." Hey how are you Michelle?

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
You looking to sit in this chair, Gibbs?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
It would be a little awkward, chair's occupied.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Means unfortunately I don't take my orders from you. Might be easier, then I wouldn't have all this.

[indicating his desk]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
The last thing I remember before the lights going out was you kimbo slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
Yes! It was. Gunshot went off. I saw YOU...

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[long pause] I'm tired of pretending.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
So am I.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It's dinner theatre for an audience of one. When's the curtain going down?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You let the toothpick use us as puppets.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No, I didn't.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You didn't?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No. It was my plan.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
...*Your* plan?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Every bit of it.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Oh... That's *much* worse!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Wonder what they're doing up there?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Does the Navy still hang people?

Abby Sciuto:
[Abby stiffens up] Tony!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Well it is treason, Abby.

Abby Sciuto:
McGee.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
No way. [Abby clears her throat. Everyone watches Agent Lee walk past them]

NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee:
Good night everyone.

Navy Lieutenant Robert Deckard:
What is your clearance?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
About 6 feet 1 and a half. Why, you got low ceilings?

Navy Lieutenant Robert Deckard:
Dead sailor in a box. Delivery manifest had no origin.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
I gotta ask you this: Did you order a dead body?

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
What is this place?

Navy Lieutenant Robert Deckard:
That's classified.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Classified? What do you got in there? Aliens? Big Foot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Unicorn.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[when Tony's waiting for a phone call and staring intently at the phone] You know what they say about a watched pot, Tony.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David:
It calls the kettle black.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
It never boils.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[to Palmer] Jimmy, I'm sorry your girlfriend turned out to be a Cylon.

[last lines]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[hidden in the back seat of Lee's car] Looks like we're working together.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Good memories: ring-n-runs, dine-n-ditch.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Lock-and-load. Got a dead marine. [Tosses keys to Ziva] *Agent* David, you're driving.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Because nobody married to her kills themselves. She's way too attractive for him. The wife did it.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Should we even bother investigating or just go ahead and arrest her?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Oh, I like where you're going McGee.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Gibbs gives everyone a cup] You brought us coffee?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Nope.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
It's apple cider.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yep. Happy Halloween... Breaks over. Run it.

Ted Rodgers:
[From inside his house] THERE'S NO CANDY HERE!

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David:
NCIS WE DON'T WANT CANDY.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Speak for yourself David. OPEN UP OR WE'LL SEND THE KIDS IN!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No costume this year, Abs?

Abby Sciuto:
Oh. After last years Jonas brothers debacle, Vance banned costumes, McGee - skinny jeans - didn't work.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Once is a tragedy. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. We're talking about a black ops widow.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David:
Tony, the first two husbands died in the line of duty. Giving you no reason to suspect she had anything to do with the third one's death.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well, I've got...

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Gibbs enters] Evidence.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Not to speak of, boss.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Then stop speaking.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What would make a Marine unit fall apart?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Lack of discipline.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Yep. Or too much.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David:
[DiNozzo's in the Men's room] Tony. McGee has been here for 6 years. I have been here for 4. I know you're enjoying this, but *we are* agents! So could you *please* stop calling us...

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Gibbs exits the Men's room] Problem, probie? You've been an agent all of one week. Your Mossad Liason days are over.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Well now you get to convince a jury of your peers. That would be a jury of tall leggy blonde bombshells. Stand up. You're under arrest for the murder of Lance Corporal James Korby.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, you're not.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David:
You know, Tony. I've been thinking. And um, I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent. And your place as...

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Your superior in every way.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David:
...Yes. But for my sanity, could you please stop calling me "probie?"

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I say it with love... And if I refuse?

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David:
You are Senior Field Agent. And I am... entirely at your mercy.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Oh. As you should be.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Get to work

[hands Ziva her appproved request to become an agent]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Probie.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Tony's still hitting on the new recruits, huh?

Officer Ziva David:
Ignorant, hopeful, and eager to please.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What recruit isn't?

Officer Ziva David:
I was not talking about the recruit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I don't know if you've noticed but she and they don't exactly want to shoot me.

Officer Ziva David:
Give them time.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
I prefer to choose my own team.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Just like you chose Special Agent Langer? That didn't work out very well, did it?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
You want to hear me say I made a mistake about Langer?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[after finding out what the robbers did with the money] Time, money futility. Sounds like one of McGee's date nights.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
It was not futility, it was by design.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Where have I heard that before?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, rule #13: Never ever involve lawyers. Things are bound to turn nasty.

Dwayne Wilson:
I'll remember that.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You should. Gibbs has been divorced three times. He has seven rules that involve lawyers. None of them are very pretty. You don't need to know 'em all just #13. It's the umbrella rule.

Dwayne Wilson:
How's Gibbs to work for?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet like a werewolf? [Wilson chuckles] They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. Might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Our agents should look more like McGee than they do DiNozzo.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
More like you than like me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
All right, just. Let me do it. Let me do it, please. Okay? You handle this like your car.

Officer Ziva David:
And if you ever want to handle anything every again remove your hand from my *mouse*!

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[to Wilson while watching DiNozzo in interrogation] Tony has his own style sort of Dirty Harry meets Keystone cop.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[Handing Wilson something from the vending machine] For a job well done.

Dwayne Wilson:
Might mean more if you'd actually paid for it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
We're government employees. Get used to disappointment

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Stay.

Dwayne Wilson:
I'm an agent.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Without a weapon. Guard the car.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[Gibbs and Fornell are about to interrogate a suspect] So what's the plan, good cop/bad cop?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Which one's which?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
[chuckles] I think you'll have to ask their ex-wives that one.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Thought you were dead, Fornell.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
I got better.

[last lines]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[after receiving a doctored photo from Kate] That's low, Kate.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
I learned from the best, Tony... We both delete at the same time.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
On three.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
One, two, three.

[they both hit a button on their computers. Gibbs receives two emails. Tony and Kate realize what they did. They hurriedly start to leave]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
See you tomorrow, Boss.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Have a good one, Gibbs.

Lt. Cmdr. Allan Witten:
I have a degree in Clinical Psychology. Do you have *any* expertise in the area, Agent Gibbs?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
No. No I do not... just a BS meter.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
What are you doing here Tobias?

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
Can't an old friend just stop by?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Well you are old, I'll give you that.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell:
Now why don't I believe that?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Mostly because I'm a bastard.

Abby Sciuto:
Correct as always my silver hair fox. I mean Gibbs, Sir, Boss [slight smile from Gibbs towards Abby]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[taunting Kate about her spring break photo] Kate, when they pour cold water over your chest, doesn't that sort of make you

[shudders, to pantomime shivering]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Hey, DiNozzo! You do that again, I will put my boot so far up your ass.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Kate, I'd check your email before you go, it's kind of important.

[Kate does - and is horrified to see an old photo of herself, winning a wet t-shirt contest!]

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Where did you get this?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Wet T-shirt Wall Of Fame, Spring Break '94. Saw it when I was in Panama City last month.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
Oh, my God...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, I *was* going to keep it to myself, but then you decided to to tell everyone my pledge name!

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd:
You wouldn't dare!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Oh?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
All you care about is selling the war.

Ray Vincent:
You don't support the war?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
I support the men fighting it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[about Ziva hitting his abdomen] Do it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
As hard as she can?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
As hard as you can.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You know that's how Houdini died.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ziva, did you kill Houdini?

Officer Ziva David:
It is possible. I do not remember all of their names.

Officer Ziva David:
[of Tony's six pack] Not bad. Not as good as Gibbs' though.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[makes a lot of grunting noises] Ok, do it! [winces in preparation]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[entering the room] Escaped mental patient.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
That's exactly what I'm thinking.

Chris Jenkins:
You're done in here, already.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, don't need to look in the one place we know he isn't.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
All right, listen up people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.

Officer Ziva David:
It has been three hours, Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is four miles per hour.

Officer Ziva David:
He is not on foot. He's in a car.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What I need from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farm house, outhouse, hen house, and dog house in the area. Our fugitive has a name and it is...

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Corporal Damon Werth.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
The Tommy Lee Jones speech *every* time we have a fugitive, really?

Ray Vincent:
This could be a potential PR disaster.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[sarcastically] That's always my primary concern.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
When you're dealing with someone on the run, you need to be able to climb inside his head. Think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Did a one armed man kill his wife?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in "The Greatest Show On Earth"?

Officer Ziva David:
Do any of your ideas come from reality?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Sure. Just not your reality.

[Ziva stabs a can to open it for McGee whose shoulder was dislocated]

Officer Ziva David:
Straw?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No, I'm good. I got the one arm. Thank you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Maybe it was you, McGee. The one armed man. Thought it was one of those vets we met at the Walter Reed Hospital.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Wrong case, Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Do we even have a case? We already got the guy. What are we doing? What did we miss? What's happening?

[Ziva looks confusedly at McGee]

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
They gave him pain killers.

Officer Ziva David:
Oh.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
My fingers are fing-ing. [elevator dings] Ooo!

Abby Sciuto:
Tony, I'm so glad you - [pulls back] smell like garbage.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah.

Officer Ziva David:
I felt overwhelmed temporarily, which does not often happen to me, when we were wrestling with Werth. [Tony and McGee exchange looks] What? What is this look?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Nothing.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
You like him.

Officer Ziva David:
I thought he was powerful.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
You really like him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Who are you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.

Officer Ziva David:
I said that I *have* feelings. Not that I'm *having* feelings.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
[to Ziva about Werth] Itching for a rematch?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?

Karen Sutherland:
You could have just asked nicely.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
This *is* nicely.

Abby Sciuto:
These people have read way too many sci-fi comics.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Some of these experiments are more fi than sci. One of them makes people glow in the dark.

Ray Vincent:
[noticing Gibbs enter while talking on the phone with his boss] Oh, no. Uh, nothing, sir. I'm losing you. Sunspots, x-rays, tunnel.

Officer Ziva David:
I want to see him.

Navy Capt. Dr. Adrian De La Casa:
[shakes his head] He's under heavy sedation. He's fine.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
She asked to see the patient.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Probably not a good idea to stand in her way.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Wow.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
What? No funny movie reverence?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
It's not funny.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Been working on my six pack, you know, abs.

Officer Ziva David:
You and Abby have been drinking?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
To match your head.

[at the Biotech Corporation R&D lab]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
[in a Sean Connery accent] I feel like James Bond walking into Q's laboratory.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Throws handcuff keys on table] You got yourself in a mess, Corporal. Gonna have to get yourself out of it. What seems to be the problem? [Yells next to Werth's ear] WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, MARINE?

Damon Werth:
I wanna kill someone, sir!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
[Quietly] Anyone in particular?

Damon Werth:
Anyone will do, sir.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Does that feel right to you, son?

Damon Werth:
No, sir. It does not.

Abby Sciuto:
[Coming towards Ziva's desk] Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...

Officer Ziva David:
[Ziva stands. A bruise covers her right eye] Abby...

Abby Sciuto:
Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...

Officer Ziva David:
ABBY! [Shoves her into a chair] Calm down! Tony has a broken nose, McGee has a dislocated shoulder but: we caught the guy.

Abby Sciuto:
What is he even doing here? He should be locked up! He's an animal!

Officer Ziva David:
[Looks shocked] He's not an animal. He a MAN.

Abby Sciuto:
Are you defending him? He attacked for no reason, the guy's a killing machine...

Officer Ziva David:
He's a Marine. Who was willing to to give up everything for his country. We have a responsibility to him!

Abby Sciuto:
Oh, spare me the Samurai code of honor. Noble respect for your combatant? It's admirable but he tried to kill Tony and he tried to kill McGee. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...

Officer Ziva David:
[Grabs her] And me too. Believe me, we are fine. Calm down.

Abby Sciuto:
[Stops for a second] Ziva, can't you just let me get it out? For a second? I meant I'm not like you, I'm not like some totally emotionless perfect warrior. [Leaves, Ziva looks crestfallen]

Officer Ziva David:
[talking about their characters in McGee's novel] Was no secret he was writing about us.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean, the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?

Officer Ziva David:
And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy, where they, pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?

Officer Ziva David:
[chuckles] When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.

Officer Ziva David:
Yeah, totally unrealistic.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Would never happen.

[both suddenly look awkward]

Officer Ziva David:
McGee you look like you've seen a goat.

[discussing first half of McGee's second book, which Tony and Ziva have read]

Abby Sciuto:
All right, let's hear it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Hear what?

Abby Sciuto:
The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.

Officer Ziva David:
Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.

Abby Sciuto:
You guys are so lying. [gasps] He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Does who know?

Abby Sciuto:
Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Is that why I'm here?

Abby Sciuto:
No.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Then Amy's on her own.

[seeing Gibbs and Tony approach him, Todd takes off in a bizarre manner]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What do you call that?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Running. I think.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Ethel's different. She's special.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
Special Ethel.

Ziva David:
Good Tony. You're finally dating someone within your age range.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Happens to be a family name. And I happen to like it. It's strong, distinguished. It says...

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
"I've fallen, and I can't get up."

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
She's even started - I can share this - she's even started talking about role playing.

Ziva David:
You're taking a drama class?

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
That's not the kind of role playing he's talking about. Just don't you show up tomorrow wearing a diaper and carrying a whip, okay?

Ziva David:
Oh, *that* kind of role playing.

Lorrain Thorson:
Do you have children?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs:
[Long pause] Did.

Lorrain Thorson:
Please tell me the pain goes away.

Ziva David:
I am a little concerned. I have never seen Abbey so...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Quiet.

Special Agent Timothy McGee:
No. She's fine. She's just thinking.

Abby Sciuto:
I can see a kindred spirit in you. I mean, not that I can see your spirit, cause that would be weird. I guess not too weird becasue you're in here and you're... you know, you're - [Abby clears her throat] Um anyway, so what I'm trying to say is-is we communicate in the same way. I could tell the first time I saw all this. Everyone else saw chaos and I-I saw patterns right away. There were patterns in the chaos... So I... just wanted you to know that whatever it is... that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Careful. Sometimes they talk back.

Ziva David:
[Tony groans] I know that sound.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
What sound? I didn't make a sound.

Ziva David:
It is the sound of things not boding well for poor Ethel.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
I don't want to talk about it.

Ziva David:
What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts about the role you're going to play?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
She wants me to dress up like - No. I can't. It's sacrilige. I have to end it.

Ziva David:
Oh come on, Tony. It's only been 2 days. It's too short, even for you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo:
Trust me, Ziva. There's something a man should never do.

Ziva David:
We're not talking about a man here. We're talking about *you*. Did you let her know?

Professor Daniel Redner:
Science is poetry Ms Sciuto. It's about making order...