Not the Nine O'Clock News

Sergeant:
Savage, why do you keep arresting this man?

Constable Savage:
He's a villain, sir.

Sergeant:
...A villain.

Constable Savage:
And a jailbird, sir.

Sergeant:
I know he's a jailbird, Savage, he's down in the cells now! We're holding him on a charge of being caught in possession of curly black hair and thick lips!

Buyer:
[looking at scaled down model of bathroom set with toilet and shower on the scene] A shower isn't as much use as a toilet is it? Well let's stick another toilet in there then!

Salesperson:
But you've already got one sir! [pause] How about this heating rack? It can go just here...

Buyer:
For drying towels and things?

Salesperson:
That's right, yes.

Buyer:
A heating rack isn't as much use as a toilet is it, really?

Salesperson:
[laughing] Well, I suppose not, no...

Buyer:
[takes out rack] , well let's put a toilet there then! [puts toilet in in its place]

Salesperson:
[confused] Um, three toilets...

Buyer:
Ah yes - in case of blockage.

Buyer:
[slightly later in scene] The bath's taking up a lot of room isn't it?

Salesperson:
Well it is a bathroom sir!

Buyer:
No, I prefer a shower. [removes the bath and puts a shower in] Put it here and we'll have a couple of toilets in there as well [insert two more toilets]

Salesperson:
[bemused] That's now six toilets...

Buyer:
I'll stick a toilet in the shower as well, kill two birds with one stone as it were.

Salesperson:
That's now seven toilets...

Buyer:
Do you have anything else?

Salesperson:
No, I'm afraid you've used up our entire stock!

[a ticket tout solicits a man in a theatre lobby]

Scalper:
Psst... here... want a couple of tickets for the Osmonds concert tonight?

Man:
Osmonds concert? No.

Scalper:
Yeah...! Best seats, no rubbish, front stalls.

Man:
How much?

Scalper:
Fiver each?

Man:
Alright.

Scalper:
Two front stalls... [hand the man two tickets] and five and five... [hands the man two five pound notes]

[a scientist is being interviewed about his project to communicate with a gorilla sitting next to him]

Interviewer:
Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it?

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Oh yes, yes. He can speak a few actual words. Of course it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage. When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, '67 I think it was...

Gerald, the Gorilla:
'68

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
'68. Umm... there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis...

Gerald, the Gorilla:
[interrupting] Yes, yes, if I might just butt at this point Tim, I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and if I may say so your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired...

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
That's a bit ungrateful, isn't it?

Gerald, the Gorilla:
...and your diction for instance...

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in '68 he was completely wild.

Gerald, the Gorilla:
Wild? I was absolutely livid!

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
I didn't see the point of him writing letters, I mean they either ate them or wiped their bottoms on them.

Gerald, the Gorilla:
Look, I know you've never got on with my mother.

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Well, she didn't exactly like me either, did she?

Gerald, the Gorilla:
She got on perfectly well with David Attenborough.

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
David Attenborough! All I ever hear is David bloody Attenborough!

Gerald, the Gorilla:
Let's leave Dave out of this.

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Oh, shut up and have a banana!

Gerald, the Gorilla:
All right, then, I will.

Gerald, the Gorilla:
I went to evening classes.

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Oh, shut up about your bloody evening classes, Gerald!

Gerald, the Gorilla:
As Aristotle once said... [speaks Greek]

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
You arrogant little bastard, you're wrecking my life's work! Trampling around the garden... eating daffodils!

Gerald, the Gorilla:
I do *not* eat daffodils.

Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Well, somebody does, don't they?

Interviewer:
Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for. Professor, Gerald, thank you very much.

A Daffodil:
He bloody does eat daffodils, you know.

Various roles:
[opens a back door and shouts] Why don't you grow up, you little bastards?

Various roles:
What's the matter, dear?

Various roles:
Nothing, I'm just talking to the plants.

Doctor:
I've got your results back from the lab, and you have the highest level of cholesterol they've ever seen.

Man:
Oh.

Doctor:
I know this is premature, but when you die, would you consider leaving your body to me?

Man:
Well, obviously, if I can be of any help. For research purposes?

Doctor:
No, I want to hang you in the garden so the blue-tits can peck at you.

Panellist:
I beg your pardon wang!

Ronnie Barker:
This is a family show, and I will not allow smut into your home!

Man:
[abusing a man with glasses] Oi! You must have pretty good eyesight to see through those glasses

Spectacle man:
What's it to you?

Man:
Well, you won't be needing them anymore, will you? [takes off the man's glasses and throws them to the ground, crunching them underfoot]

Spectacle man:
You shouldn't have done that

Man:
Oh yeah? Why's that?

Spectacle man:
You're not wearing any shoes