Once Upon a Time in Wonderland

The White Rabbit:
Uh, don't mind me, I'm just owner of the house where now both of you have been saved. This is great. Now we have matching bloodstains on the carpet.

Mrs. Rabbit:
Oh, Percy, calm down.

The White Rabbit:
Seriously, who needs a photo album when you've got this? "Look, kids, here's where Alice almost died. And, ooh, look, here's where Cyrus' spleen fell out".

The White Rabbit:
Many people have come and gone from Wonderland, but only the most special ones discover what it's truly about.

Alice:
Finding love?

The White Rabbit:
Finding yourself.

Alice's Daughter:
Is it true? The story?

Alice:
Every last word.

Alice's Daughter:
But the things that happened, they're impossible.

Alice:
Anything's possible in Wonderland.

Jafar:
[to his army of the dead] Welcome back to the land of the living.

The Red Queen:
Keep looking. He can't have just vanished.

Tweedle #2:
Actually, isn't vanishing one of the things that genies can do?

The Red Queen:
Shut up!

Tweedle #2:
Have you considered the possibility that he didn't survive the fall?

The Red Queen:
Have you considered the possibility that you're a lazy imbecile?

Tweedle #2:
Is that a rhetorical question?

Alice:
Have you ever been in a hot-air balloon?

Knave of Hearts:
If I say no, do I get to stay here on the ground?

Knave of Hearts:
So tell me, Edwin - have you ever eaten something that's tried to kill you before?

Edwin - Alice's Father:
No, Will, I don't believe I have.

Knave of Hearts:
It's sort of a Wonderland rite of passage.

Alice:
Is this where you threaten him until I make a wish? You need a new trick, Jafar.

Jafar:
I'll get a new trick when this one stops working.

The Sultan:
What good is love and respect if it has to be stolen?

Knave of Hearts:
[Checking his pockets] Dice, a dollar bill, keys to Granny's - she's going to be right pissed about that. Peanut. [tastes it and spits it out] Stale peanut.

Taj:
That's enough, brother. Better quit while we're ahead.

Cyrus:
Quitting while you're ahead is still quitting.

Knave of Hearts:
[about the bottle] That's my house he's holding now, and frankly, I hate it. There's not a lot of elbow room. And you know what else there isn't?

Alice:
Please don't tell us.

Knave of Hearts:
A toilet.

Alice:
Stop your moving. We'll just sink faster.

Knave of Hearts:
Because a slow death is so much more pleasant. This is humiliating. I'm going to die like a bloody s'more.

Alice:
What?

Knave of Hearts:
It's biscuits and chocolate, and you get toasted marsh... never mind, the point is we're gonna die.

Dr. Lydgate:
The question we have to answer today is which is the real performance? Little girl with tales of tea parties and barbaric queens, or the young lady who says it was just her imagination.

Alice:
The little girl was a fool.

Dr. Lydgate:
And the lady?

Alice:
She knows what really happened.

Alice:
You.

Knave of Hearts:
"You"? That's what I get? "You"? Well, nice to see you, too, Alice.

Alice:
You look... different.

The Cheshire Cat:
Everything does, doesn't it? Wonderland has grown stranger. I'm stranger. You're stranger. Together, we are... strangers.

Alice:
Well, then, how do you do? Now that we're friends again, you wouldn't want to eat a friend now... would you?

The Cheshire Cat:
Mmm, certainly not without pepper.

Alice:
Careful, Knave. We've landed in the Mallow Marsh.

Knave of Hearts:
Of course we did, because a pond made out of dessert topping makes perfect sense.

Knave of Hearts:
The Red Queen - you also said it was her who threw Cyrus into the Boiling Sea. Why would she do that?

Alice:
I don't know, but I'd love to ask her and see the look on her face when she realizes I'm not the forgiving sort. Particularly when said face meets this branch repeatedly.

Knave of Hearts:
Doesn't sound like you.

Alice:
The doctors said I'm a danger to myself and others.

Alice:
I can't believe it. *You*. You were...

Knave of Hearts:
Brave? Daring?

Alice:
Stealing my wishes.

Knave of Hearts:
Oh, that. I think maybe you misunderstand. I was just protecting the wishes.

Alice:
You expect me to believe that?

Knave of Hearts:
Not really, no. But could we focus on the part where I came back and saved your life?

The White Rabbit:
Uh, what I meant was, I was having tea with the Dormouse, and he said that he saw him.

Knave of Hearts:
So we came all the way here on the word of a narcoleptic rodent?

Young Alice:
Father! Father. It's me. Come on father! You are never going to believe where I've been.

Young Alice, Edwin - Alice's Father:
Alice?

Young Alice:
It all began with this white rabbit. And he wanted to take my hat, and then...

Young Alice, Edwin - Alice's Father:
Alice? Is it really you?

Young Alice, Edwin - Alice's Father:
Who else would it be?

Young Alice, Edwin - Alice's Father:
You were gone, for a very long time. We thought you were...

Young Alice, Edwin - Alice's Father:
You thought I was what?

Young Alice, Edwin - Alice's Father:
Dead.

Knave of Hearts:
Nazim! Pleasure to see you again.

Nazim:
Don't "pleasure" me.

Knave of Hearts:
I wouldn't dream of it.

Knave of Hearts:
I think now might be a good time to use one of those wishes.

Alice:
There has to be another way out of this.

Knave of Hearts:
The only way out seems to be through his digestive tract.

Alice:
[Reading the Knave's "Wanted" poster] "For theft, fraud, posturing, in-posturing, gambling, disturbing the peace, and... public nudity"?

Knave of Hearts:
In my defense, I was tied to a tree and stripped of my clothes, so that one wasn't really my fault.

Knave of Hearts:
Don't panic. I've been in worse binds than this. Well, equivalent binds.

Alice:
You were the one that kept telling me to use a wish.

Knave of Hearts:
Now I wish you didn't.

Jafar:
I'm intrigued by you, Rabbit.

The White Rabbit:
Not in a... a main course kind of way, I hope?

Jafar:
Rest easy, you're far too valuable to cook.

The White Rabbit:
Oh, what a relief.

Alice:
[reading an inscription] "The pure of heart shall make the leap."

The Red Queen:
It appears to be some sort of test.

Alice:
How do you know I'll pass?

The Red Queen:
I don't. But between the two of us, I like your chances better than mine. I am many things, darling, but pure of heart is not one of them.

Alice:
How do I know this isn't a trick? That you intend for me to fall? Then I'll have to use one of my wishes to save my life.

The Red Queen:
If I wanted you to fall off the cliff... I'd push you.

Alice:
When two people love each other, there's nothing they can't accomplish together.

The Red Queen:
If only that were true.

The Red Queen:
[Alice has helped her retrieve some magic dust] Come on, then. Hand it over.

Alice:
First, tell me where I can find Cyrus.

The Red Queen:
Oh, Alice. Isn't being such a good person reward enough?

[the Queen waves her hand and Alice's pouch flies from her hand to the Queen's]

Alice:
You lied.

The Red Queen:
Indeed. Lest we forget... one of us is pure of heart.

Alice:
I gave you your life.

The Red Queen:
No! Nobody ever gave me anything. Everything I have, I had to take.

Alice:
What about everything you've lost?

Anastasia:
I just thought things would be different here. When I first heard about Wonderland I figured that the wonder was short for "Wonder-ful", not "wonder-how-we're-going-to-make-it".

The Red Queen:
There's darkness everywhere when the sun goes down.

Alice:
[when first seeing Storybrooke] Curiouser and curiouser.

Cora:
Should you choose to learn a touch of magic, I could teach you. And what the King doesn't know won't hurt him.

Red Queen:
I appreciate the offer... but I hardly think keeping secrets is the best way to begin a marriage.

Cora:
But it's a wonderful way to begin a friendship.

Old Prisoner:
What is that?

Red Queen:
Magic.

Old Prisoner:
I've never seen magic do that.

Red Queen:
In the wrong hands, you'd be surprised what magic can do.

Knave of Hearts:
What are you doing?

The Jabberwocky:
Listening.

Knave of Hearts:
To what?

The Jabberwocky:
You.

Knave of Hearts:
Oh.

The Jabberwocky:
Your deepest fears.

Knave of Hearts:
I'll save you some time. Waters, hairy spiders, being stabbed in the head, and, uh, raisins. Grapes are fine, but raisins, no, thank you.

The White Rabbit:
Come on. The Knave's place is this way. You'll know it by the smell.

Alice:
It's quite a step up from the Knave's wagon. There's so many nice things.

The White Rabbit:
I have a feeling most of it fell off a truck.

Alice:
Well, how did it get in here, then?

The White Rabbit:
No, it's a figure of... never mind.

Will Scarlet:
Have you forgotten all the good times we had? Making wine from wildflowers. naming the stars to fall asleep at night.

Anastasia:
You named them all "Anastasia".

Will Scarlet:
It's the most beautiful name I know.

Knave of Hearts:
Nice spot. There's something wrong in the world when a rabbit has a nicer flat than you do.

Tweedle #2:
It's my brother.

The Red Queen:
Darling, your sibling rivalry doesn't interest me.

Tweedle #2:
I fear he may have done a bad thing.

The Red Queen:
Considering both of your mental limitations, I'm not sure it's something I need to worry about.

Alice:
Knave. You gave me a fright.

Knave of Hearts:
Sorry, nature was calling.

Alice:
Really? What did it say?

Knave of Hearts:
Nothing you want to hear. Trust me.

The White Rabbit:
I've known Alice since she was a little girl and she's always wanted a place to call home.

Jafar:
Now you can watch me sit on the thrown you didn't believe I deserve.

Old Prisoner:
A throne is made when the man who sits upon it is worthy. Where you sit, Jafar, is nothing more than a large chair.

Jabberwocky Guard:
You're a fool. The only thing waiting in that prison... is death.

Jafar:
Death and I have already met. Send him my regards. [Snaps the guard's neck]

The Jabberwocky:
You're already so afraid. And I haven't even opened the door yet.

Jafar:
What door?

The Jabberwocky:
The one... inside your head. Everyone has a door like this where you keep all your most terrifying thoughts. Your greatest fears.

Jafar:
I've been around dark magic most of my life. You'll have no luck getting inside my head.

The Jabberwocky:
I'm not worried about getting inside your head. Don't you see? I'm already in there.

Cyrus:
What do I say to the woman who's traveled worlds, risked her life to save me? For now, and for all the years to come, whether we' e battling Mome Raths or fighting evil sorcerers... or just watching the clouds make their way across the sky, I will love you. And every moment will be a thrilling adventure for me because I'll be spending it with you. Alice... will you marry me?

Alice:
Yes. And yes, again and again, forever.

The Red Queen:
Either way, we need to find the Rabbit, get out of wonderland before Jafar finds us.

Knave of Hearts:
I'd prefer to take my chances with the homicidal maniac with the snake stick. Thank you, though.

Knave of Hearts:
I think these are for you.

Lizard:
What are they?

Knave of Hearts:
Wishes. Mistress mine, my will is thine. Tell me your wishes three. Bollocks!

Knave of Hearts:
I'm pretty sure I'm a genie, Lizard.

Jafar:
It's time to find out if you're a woman who's prepared to do whatever it takes to get what she wants or just a little girl with a stolen crown and nothing else.

Knave of Hearts:
Well basically, we could die or we could run.

Alice:
I don't particularly care for the first one.

[Jafar is offering to revive Anastasia in return for Will's help]

Knave of Hearts:
If you think I'm ever gonna help you, you're madder than the Hatter.

Knave of Hearts:
Give a man the proper motivation, you never know what he might be willing to do.

Jafar:
I imagine you must want to kill me for what I did.

Knave of Hearts:
Why don't you open this door and we'll find out?

Old Prisoner:
[to Jafar] Haven't you tortured him enough? Show the boy some mercy!

Jafar:
Mercy? And I suppose you'd be the expert on that subject.

Old Prisoner:
I've learned the error of my ways. But I'm waiting for you to learn anything at all!

Knave of Hearts:
Watch your tongue, lass. Else you'll lose that as well as your head.

Alice:
That's a little redundant, don't you think?

Knave of Hearts:
Depends on which one you lose first.

Knave of Hearts:
[after hitting Cyrus] How about I give you a free swing?

Cyrus:
No, thank you.

Knave of Hearts:
Seriously - I don't mind.

Cyrus:
I do.

Knave of Hearts:
Why, because you're not a lover, not a fighter, and all that?

Cyrus:
I don't want to carry you around for the next five hours.

Alice:
You're quite clumsy for a soldier.

Knave of Hearts:
And you're a little young to be a murderer.

Knave of Hearts:
Please go to sleep.

Alice:
I can't. You sleep.

Knave of Hearts:
How can I sleep when you insist on thinking so loudly?

Silvermist:
Awfully bold of you to show your face in Wonderland. Do you know how many people are looking for you?

Knave of Hearts:
Might be easier to figure out how many *aren't*.

Silvermist:
You think you're funny?

Knave of Hearts:
I think I'm buggered no matter what I say right now.

Knave of Hearts:
Where do we find this bottle?

Alice:
We buried it in the Mimsy Meadown. Under the towering Tumtum Tree. It's a place where nobody goes.

Knave of Hearts:
With a name like that, why would they, unless they were a Care Bear?

Alice:
What's a Care Bear?

Knave of Hearts:
Never mind.

Cyrus:
But I've lived countless lifetimes and no one has ever not made their wishes.

Alice:
Why would I wish for anything? I have everything I could possibly wish for. You are everything I've ever wished for, Cyrus.

Knave of Hearts:
Now you've gone and hurt the tree. You happy?

Knave of Hearts:
[sees the Carpenter staring at him with a large grin] Who's that?

Alice:
Oh, that's just the Carpenter. Don't worry about him!

Knave of Hearts:
Right. Don't worry about the man with the saw and the scary grin.

Alice:
Exactly!

Knave of Hearts:
Have you ever been stoned? Feels like death when you come out of it.

Man:
Maybe you've been messing with the wrong stuff.

Knave of Hearts:
No, I mean stoned as in turned to stone.

Man:
Sure, sure.

Dr. Lydgate:
A talking rabbit? That's madness.

Jafar:
Sometimes the maddest stories... are the truest ones.

Dr. Lydgate:
We have so many patients...

Jafar:
Of course you do, but how many of them escape in the company of a talking rabbit?

Jafar:

You know, when I was a young boy, I lost someone I loved. And I can still remember exactly how it felt. The cold rushing in, like the fabric of the world had ripped in half. What if I told you there was a way to sew it back together again? To bring back Anastasia?

Knave:
I'd would say you were a lying bastard.

[Jafar looks at his glances because he was born a bastard]

Jafar:
Half right