Queer as Folk

Nathan:
I'm doing it, I'm really doing it!

Nathan:
You're straight, you don't know anything

Donna:
I'm black. And I'm a girl. Try that for a week.

[Mimicking "Titanic."]

Stuart Alan Jones:
I'm the king of the world!

Vince:
I'm always Kate Winslet!

Vince Tyler:
[quoting an episode of "Doctor Who"] Unrequited love. It's fantastic, 'cause it never has to change, it never has to grow up and it never has to die!

[Discussing the new baby's name]

Stuart Alan Jones:
Vince, run a check on "Alfred."

Vince Tyler:
Alf Roberts; "Alfie," Michael Caine; "Alf," that American sitcom with the puppet - bit dodgy, but that's forgotten by the time he's in school, unless it's on cable... bet they've got it on Bravo. Oh... Alfred's the name of Batman's butler! Marvelous. Good name!

[Roy has just rammed Stuart's car after spotting him kissing his son]

Stuart Alan Jones:
What the f*** are you doing?

Roy Maloney:
Fifteen! That boy is fifteen!

Stuart Alan Jones:
So? The car is only six months old and you've still buggered it.

Vince Tyler:
[on straight bars] Can you believe it, they have toilets where no-ones ever had sex!

Alexander:
He's here, he's queer, I'm buying him a beer!

Stuart Alan Jones:
It's the exact opposite of child-birth, first you have the baby and then you get f***ed.

Nathan:
I'm f***ing Mozart!

Stuart Alan Jones:
Where are you going?

Vince Tyler:
You've copped off!

Stuart Alan Jones:
I'm just getting his phone number, that's all!

Phil Delaney:
What did you do - swallow it?

Stuart Alan Jones:
He's a calendar, that kid, he's a clock, a great big stopwatch, staring me in the face. Cos he gets older. That's all he can do. Do you know what that means? I'm getting older. Look at me, is that old? That's not old. Can't get rid of him, twenty years time he'll still be there. Mind you they don't always live, meningitis - that's a good one!

Romey Sullivan:
[on answerphone] Now, Stuart, don't panic. I'm in hospital, it's half past six Thursday night, the contractions have started, it's not a false alarm but don't worry ...

Stuart Alan Jones:
F***, I've got a baby!

Hazel Tyler:
[on phone] Oh, and get some Weetabix

Vince Tyler:
Thought your breakfast was twenty Bensons.

Hazel Tyler:
It's for little Lord Fauntleroy.

Vince Tyler:
I'm not shopping for him! What else does he want? Angel Delight? Party Rings? Nappies?

Hazel Tyler:
And give me the big box of Surg, I've got double the laundry. It's all bed sheets, I'd forgotten how much teenage boys masturbate.

Vince Tyler:
Mum!

Hazel Tyler:
Stiff as a board!

Bernard:
Hazel, don't wash 'em, I'll have 'em!

Hazel Tyler:
Bernie said don't wash 'em, he'll have 'em

Vince Tyler:
It's like an 0898 number!

Alexander:
What's the Japanese for slut?

Stuart Alan Jones:
Right do you want sex? Suppose I owe you a favour, come on then.

Nathan:
I didn't do it for a shag.

Stuart Alan Jones:
Nathan, that's all I've got to offer.

Nathan:
How many men have had sex in here?

Stuart Alan Jones:
27 million.

Alexander:
Right, shut your noise, bit of hush! Vince, sit down, it's time for the presents. And if anyone's got him a Jeff Stryker cock and balls you're getting booted out, that's so unoriginal.

Stuart Alan Jones:
Right, Nathan we're off. It's all getting a bit lesbian in here.

Nathan:
I'm still going out though, to The Village.

Roy Maloney:
Not on school nights.

Nathan:
And I'm not going to change, you know that, don't you? Cos it's not a phase, I'm not growing out of it. I'm going to be gay forever.

Roy Maloney:
You've made up your mind, and it's obvious there's no stopping you. It's Helen I'm worried about, she's ten years old, she's a child. I don't want her head filled with notions.

Nathan:
Like what?

Roy Maloney:
As far as Helen is concerned, the anus is for sh*t. Got that?

Stuart Alan Jones:
My world's so f***ing huge!

Vince:
And I can't be the best shag he's ever had. He's Australian!

Vince Tyler:
Sometimes, you get a good Thursday, sometimes a bog-standard Thursday, sometimes you get a sh*t Thursday. This Thursday was mental. Thursday night in Babylon used to be '70s night but they changed it. Thursday night is '90s night,which makes you feel ancient. Thanks very much. l spent all night chasing after some bloke who turns out to be mad. Like, really mad. He had every episode of Juliet Bravo on tape.

Marie Threepwood:
Who the f*** is Martin Brooks?

[as Romy and company arrive]

Bernard:
Hazel! We've got lesbians!

Stuart Alan Jones:
You've done nothing Vince. You go to wrok, you go for a drink, you sit and watch cheap science fiction. Small and tiny world. What's so impressive about that, what's there to love?

Vince Tyler:
...yeah.

Stuart Alan Jones:
It was good enough for me.

Alexander:
That was quick.

Hazel:
Only took them 16 years.

Stuart Allen Jones:
We don't do hammers, or nails, or saws. We do joints and screws, but that's different.

Marie Jones:
Who does?

Stuart Allen Jones:
Queers. Because I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, baddieboy, backside artist, bugger. I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a f*ggot-ass, fudge-packing, sh*t-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I f*** and I am f***ed. I suck and I am sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the f***ing time of his life. And I am not a pervert. If there's one twisted bastard in this family, it's this little blackmailer here. So congratulations, Thomas. I've just officially outed you.

Stuart:
I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bum-boy, batty-boy, backside-artist bugger. I'm bent. I *am* that arse bandit, I *lift* those shirts. I'm a f*ggot-assed, fudge-packin', sh*t-stabbin' uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I f*** and I'm f***ed. I suck and I'm sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the f***in' time of his life. And I am *not* a pervert.

Nathan Maloney:
But you're coming back, though...?

Stuart Allen Jones:
What, come back to this? The ghetto: alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway, straights and students coming to look at the freak show, and all the idiots saving all week, saving their stupid money from their stupid idiot jobs so they can come and shoot their load with some stranger. And just you look after it, this stupid little street. It's the middle of the world. Cos on a street like this, every single night, anyone can meet anyone. And every single night, someone meets someone.

Vince Tyler:
It's all yours now; all of them -- all the poofs and all the dykes, and all the people in between. And this lot, they'll shag ya. They'll rob ya. Some of them might even love ya. And they'll all forget you in the end. Just stick with your friends -- you'll be fine.

Stuart Allen Jones:
You f*** it up, and I'll come back