Queer as Folk

Justin:
I'm not a child. I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.

Emmett:
Hopefully not on the same day.

Justin:
Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.

Ted:
Thank you, Doogie Howser.

Ted:
I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.

Debbie:
If I have to watch Martha Stewart make one more goddamn thing out of goat cheese, I'm going to kill myself.

Vic:
AMC has a Joan Crawford festival all week.

Debbie:
Nobody's that gay.

Debbie:
Hi, honey. What are you doing here?

Michael:
Uncle Vic asked me to bring some rope to tie you down.

Debbie:
Kinky.

Brian:
It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own.

Emmett:
It's pathetic. My screen name has more fun than I do.

Brian:
What are you doing?

Justin:
Giving my friend Daphne a tour of your house.

Brian:
This isn't the White House. George Washington hasn't slept here.

Justin:
He's the only guy who hasn't.

Melanie:
Your screwing everything that moves is your finest quality and our best defense.

Emmett:
A song and a snack can turn any moment into an occasion.

Mysterious Marilyn:
God writes the script, sweetie. I just say the lines.

Melanie:
What are you? Mr. Teflon? Sh*t just never sticks to you.

Emmett:
My flame has been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever.

[On why Lindsay's WASP parents won't help pay for their wedding]

Melanie:
You're a dyke, you're marrying a Jew, and you're a registered Democrat. Need I say more?

Brian:
He stole all my clothes. I'm suspecting gay-on-gay crime here.

Lindsay:
It wouldn't surprise me. You've had more visitors than Disney World.

Michael:
Have you ever been on a date?

Brian:
One. I ended up f***ing the waiter.

Michael:
I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless sh*t who f***s whoever he wants without conscience or remorse.

Brian:
I'm sorry, that position's already been filled.

Justin:
This was the best night of my life.

Brian:
Even if it was ridiculously romantic.

Brian:
[to Craig Taylor] So in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is... what he thinks... and how he feels. Well, that's not love. That's hate.

Emmett:
You're just jealous because we have what you don't.

Brian:
Anal warts?

Brian:
Don't get yourself all worked up.

Michael:
I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up.

Ted:
[on dating a guy who's HIV positive] It's like playing with fire. I mean... what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?

Brian:
Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass...

Emmett:
I haven't seen so many dogs since 101 Dalmatians.

Michael Charles Novotny:
You f***ed a murderer?

Hunter:
What's the big deal? I used a condom.

Brian Kinney:
[to Michael] Well, your safe sex lecture paid off.

[after Michael informs Hunter that Brian already has a boyfriend]

Hunter:
You do?

Brian Kinney:
In a non-defined, non-conventional way, yeah.

[Michael and Hunter argue about Hunter's 'job' as a hustler]

Michael Charles Novotny:
This guy could have killed you.

Hunter:
They all could.

Michael Charles Novotny:
Well, if you know that why do you do it?

Hunter:
I have low self-esteem. I was sexualized at too early an age. It's exciting, fun, and a great way to make non-reportable income.

Michael Charles Novotny:
I would like an honest answer, smart-ass.

Brian Kinney:
He just gave you one.

Brian:
Why don't you find yourself some nice fuzzy lezzy with a therapist license and work it out.

Brian:
How do I look?

Justin:
Great... You always look great.

Justin:
I like dick. I wanna get f***ed by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick, and I'm good at it too.

Justin:
Well listen up, now that your hearing has returned... This queer says "F*** YOU".

Justin:
Welcome to the real world Daph... Nobody gives a sh*t about a Gay-Straight Alliance.

Emmett:
Pink champagne... yeah, uh, that's too nelly, even for me.

Debbie:
Well, if it isn't the man behind the a**hole.

Michael:
Brian's always behind the a**hole.

Daphne:
I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan.

Daphne:
I'm not the one who got weird. Ever since you met Brian, you've become this totally different person. You go out with him all the time to bars and clubs. It's like I don't even know you.

Brian:
I want it to be you

Michael:
What?

Brian:
I want it to be you. I'll put it in writing.

Michael:
I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug.

Brian:
And you pull mine.

Brian Kinney:
This used to be such a magical kingdom, full of sprites and fairies.

Justin:
Now it's like watching the Wizard of Oz in reverse.

Brian Kinney:
Cops in the streets, cops in the bars, cops in the clubs. It's f***ing depressing!

Justin:
Unless you're into cops.

Michael Charles Novotny:
I don't know how you do it, working all day, f***ing all night.

Brian Kinney:
Well they say in the vast emptiness of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh. You care to join me?

Michael Charles Novotny:
You'll have to stay forever young without me.

Brian Kinney:
I understand, you're in a committed relationship with your, what is that hideous expression? Significant other? Loser.

Justin:
He loves me.

Brian Kinney:
Your dreamy-eyed school boy.

Justin:
In ways that you can't.

Brian Kinney:
In ways that I won't.

Brian Kinney:
You stupid little twat, never let anyone f*** you without a condom.

Justin:
You're not just anyone.

Brian Kinney:
Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about the guy who infected him. Put it on me... I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

Emmett:
If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man.

Emmett:
I prefer to think of them all as lunatics. Except for Aunt Lulah, who was supposed to be the crazy one. She was my only friend.

Michael:
...in ways that maybe no one intended, those superheroes were a lot like me. At work they're meek, underappreciated... they're the guys that never get laid. And when they're around other people, they can never let anyone get too close for fear that their true identities will be discovered.

Debbie:
A leopard can't change his stripes and neither can a queer.

Debbie:
Article fourteen of the Super Mom handbook says no kicking a**holes when they're down. They'd take away my halo.

Debbie:
You get my tits in a knot, Sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep sh*t.

Debbie:
I'm biting my tongue so hard I'm tasting blood.

Melanie:
There's no f***ing way Brian Kinney's f***ing sperm are doing the breaststroke in my fallopian tube.

Michael:
I want you to know what you're doing really sucks.

Brian:
Oh Christ, not you too. Look, Stockwell's just stirring sh*t up. Once he gets elected this will all blow over.

Michael:
You think it's going to blow over for Ted?

Brian:
Um, Ted f***ed up. That's not my problem.

Michael:
Mom's right, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

Brian:
Well if I don't who will, you know? Stockwell and his supporters are my first class ticket out of this second-rate, second-class Burg.

Michael:
What about about your 'second-rate' friends?

Brian:
When I'm on the 99th floor of my new office in New York, this will all seem like a distant memory.

Michael:
Fine. Go.

[starts to leave]

Michael:
Take Justin with you.

Brian:
Wait, you didn't let me finish. It'll all seem like a distant memory except for you. Because no matter where I go or who I'm with. I'll always love you.

Michael:
Bullshit.

Brian:
It's not bullshit.

[He kisses Michael on the forehead]

Brian:
Do you know what I remember from high school?

Michael:
That time in Biology when you beat off in a test tube and tried to call it your science experiment?

Brian:
Food. There was always lots of food at your house.

Michael:
Well, that's an Italian thing. And there was always lots of booze at your house.

Brian:
That's an Irish thing.

Michael:
[about the casting of the lead character of his comic book] Well, I heard straight actors won't take gay roles.

Emmett:
[on coming out] Why tell anyone? Why lose everything when it can just be your little secret? You see, it was different for me. Everyone could tell who I was from the start and it didn't make my life any easier. I've been beaten up, cursed at, spit on, ignored... but in a way it was worth it. Because I have never had to live a lie and I'm not about to start now. Not for you, not for anyone.

Emmett:
What kind of homosexual are you?

Brian:
The kind that f***s men.

[Brian's looking at his car]

Brian:
This is like that time in 7th grade when I lent you my brand new 10-speed and when you brought it back my front fender was crushed, my seat was torn...

Michael:
I was hit by a bus!

[walking up to a drunk Emmett]

Justin:
We're going to Babylon. You wanna come?

Emmett:
I'm not really in the mood for men or muscles or music... I'd rather stay here, get sh*t-faced.

Brian:
You passed sh*t-faced about 10 miles back.

Emmett:
So I've had a few cocktails. Does that qualify me for rehab? Besides, I've already been there.

Justin:
Did you see Ted?

Emmett:
And you'll never guess who's there with him.

Brian:
Liza?

Justin:
Robert Downey, Jr.?

Brian:
Ben Affleck?

Justin:
Matthew Perry?

Brian:
Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright.

Debbie:
So, how was your last trick?

Emmett:
Mmm, big dick. Teeny brain.

Debbie:
The best kind!

Debbie:
Out of my way or I'll punch you out.

Vic:
Your doctor told you not to exert yourself.

Debbie:
Well f*** 'em! I punched you out when you were a kid, and I can punch you out now!

[about Gus]

Lindsay:
Isn't he a little young for James Dean?

Brian:
Well you don't want him watching The Teletubbies. Might make him gay.

[looking at Melanie's ultra-sound]

Michael:
Holy sh*t! Would you check out the dick on this kid?

Lindsay:
That's the umbilical cord.

Melanie:
Besides, you can't tell from this if it's a boy or girl. Although something tells me a princess is on the way.

Michael:
Well, it's Ok with me if he's gay.

Michael:
You can't open someone else's mail. It's a federal offense.

Hunter:
I can see it now: I'm on Death Row awaiting a lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, "Opening Ben's letter."

Brian:
We're queer. We don't need marriage. We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests. We f*** who we want to, when we want to. That is our God-given right.

Michael:
But it is also our God-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are.

Debbie:
There is an alternative to going out in a blaze of glory, and that's giving 'em all the big 'F*** you.'

Emmett:
Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had?

Ted:
[shrug] Who's counting?

Emmett:
I am. That's your fourth. Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories?

Ted:
So I'll burn 'em off.

Emmett:
Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.

[Brian tells Ted he plans to buy Babylon]

Brian:
I want it!

Ted:
Oh, you want it! What for?

Brian:
I gotta keep the boys off the street at night. I gotta provide them with a warm, friendly environment in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex - safely, of course.

Ted:
Noble sentiment. But investment-wise, not very practical.

Brian:
And what would be practical, Theodore? To get married? And move to the suburbs? And become a home-lovin', child-raisin', God-fearin' imitation heterosexual? And for what? So that I can become another dead soul, goin' to the mall, droppin' my kids off at school, and having barbecues in the backyard? That's *their* death. Not mine. I'm a cock-sucker! I'm queer! And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say, "judge yourself." This is where I live. This is who I am.

[Brian's just about to re-open Babylon]

Brian:
I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my Erector Set!

Emmett:
My parents couldn't afford an Erector Set. So I decided to play with the one God gave me.

Brian:
When did you change?

Michael:
What?

Brian:
When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit?

Michael:
The point is not when did I change, the point is why haven't you? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up?

Brian:
Oh, so now I'm the object of your disapproval, too. You and the Nutty Professor get married, in f***ing Canada! You move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals, and suddenly that gives you the right to make pronouncements on everybody else's life? Well, welcome to the other side of your perfect marriage, Mikey. It's called gay divorce. Fags and dykes can f*** up their lives just like the rest of the world.

Debbie:
My good ring just fell behind the fridge!

Michael:
Your *good* ring?

Debbie:
Yeah, the one I got on the TV show.

Vic:
From the Joan Rivers Collection.

Debbie:
And don't say a f***ing thing about her. I like that she's got a big, dirty mouth that gets her in trouble.

Emmett:
My intuition tells me things are not going to go well tonight.

Ted:
Well, your intuition also told you Madonna was going to win an Oscar for "Evita."

Emmett:
She *so* deserved it.

Mel:
Don't f*** with Mother Nature, huh? Well, I'm here to tell her, don't f*** with me!

Debbie:
Well, as far as I'm concerned, it ain't over until the... slightly-overweight-but-still-working-on-it lady sings.

Debbie:
A word of advice, my sweet Emmett - mourn the losses because they are many. But celebrate the victories because they are few.

Brian:
[shows Lindsay a poster] Blue Rooster. The chicken chain. They need a campaign for their new 16-ounce sandwich. How do ya like, "When You're Hungry For A Big Cock!"? [Lindsay blankly stares] Yeah, they didn't like it either.

Brian:
I'm sure there are millions of faggots who'd love nothing more than to walk the straight-and-narrow, but I'd sooner die than see Liberty Avenue homogenized and de-homo-ized.

Brian:
Sunshine, how did I ever get along without you?

Justin:
You didn't.

[there is a huge line outside Babylon]

Emmett:
Brian must be giving blow jobs to get customers. Honestly, he has no shame.

[doing his Queer Guy segment on the news]

Emmett:
Hi. I'm Emmett Honeycutt, your Queer Guy. And certified member of the 4-F Club. That's fashion, food, furnishings, and [chuckles] we'll save the last F for cable.

Melanie:
[about passing baby J.R. around] If you would've listened to me and done what I said, we wouldn't be playing this game of, "Baby, Baby, Who's Got The Baby?".

Lindsay:
That's what's killing you, isn't it? It has nothing to do with the baby or the custody agreement. It has to do with you, Melanie Marcus, not getting her way, not having complete control over everything. Well, tough sh*t, ya don't!

Monty:
Which one of you is the gardener and which one's the chef?

Justin:
I really like cooking.

Brian:
And I love planting my seed in some hole... [everyone looks at him strangely]... in the ground.

Brian:
[about Monty and Eli thinking Babylon is trashy] So many couples I speak to these days feel that way. That's why I'm starting Monogamous Mondays.

[Ted is just about to have plastic surgery, and he has lines and arrows drawn all over his face]

Ted:
Look at me! I look like a cow chart in the butcher shop!

[having just come home from the hospital after hitting his head during a swim meet]

Hunter:
Two hours for a f***in' Band-Aid. Good thing I wasn't decapitated or I'd be sitting in that goddamn Emergency Room holding my head all night.

Lindsay:
He's been saying "Dada" all morning.

Brian:
So he's developed an interest in German surrealism...

Michael:
Rather than missing what used to be, I look forward to what's yet to be.

Brian:
Good evening, twats.

Emmett:
Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women, since they represent half my fan base.

Brian:
Have any hermaphrodites?

Emmett:
I don't think so.

Brian:
Good. Go f*** yourself.

Emmett:
Do you think I'm physically attractive? Sexy?

Debbie:
Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age, and you're queer as they come - f***, yeah.

[talking about Hunter leaving]

Michael:
He was determined to leave so he left. There wasn't anything we could've done to stop him. Why are you beating yourself up over it?

Ben:
Because he was my blood. You still have a healthy baby daughter, Michael. She'll be loved, sent to a good school, raised in a world where she'll have every chance, every opportunity. Not like Hunter who had nothing. Less than nothing. I wanted to give him all those things he never had.

Michael:
So did I

Ben:
But I failed.

Michael:
You didn't fail.

Ben:
Yes I did. I did fail.

Michael:
We gave him a home, everything we could of ourselves to make him part of our family.

Ben:
Then why isn't he still here?

Emmett:
Apparently Pittsburgh is not ready to handle the fact that not only are queers anatomically corrrect, but they actually use all their parts.

Troy:
F***ing losers! They just don't get it, do they? These guys, I feel sorry for them. I can't help it, it's my nature. So out of the goodness of my heart, I have sex with them, give them something to remember for a rainy day. But it's never enough. They're pitiful. F***ing pitiful.

Ted:
I know what you mean... I was one of them.

Troy:
What? You're hot.

Ted:
You didn't think so then. Pride, 2002.

Troy:
Thought there was something familiar about you.

Ted:
Yeah, I was one of your pity f***s. A fact you made painfully clear. Well, guess what? Now you're mine.

[Ben opens the front door]

Ben:
Brian!

Brian:
Excellent, Professor. You recognize the subject and can identify him by name.

Ben:
We've gone to bed.

Brian:
That's right, I forgot. The Stepford Husbands turn in early!

[about Justin leaving]

Brian:
You infected him, with your petty, bourgois, mediocre, conformist, assimilationist life! Thanks to you he's got visions - babies, weddings, white picket fences - dancing in his blond little head.

Michael:
And you think *I* put them there?

Brian:
Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector, just like the rest of you!

Michael:
He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say "I love you, you're the only one I want."

Brian:
That's *not* who I am!

Michael:
Don't we all know!

[Ted's trying to get Brian to talk about losing both Michael and Justin]

Ted:
You can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it. Let it all hang out.

Brian:
My mother was a frigid b*tch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

Emmett:
[talking to himself] Emm, don't be such a scaredy queen. No-one's stalking you. Why would anybody stalk you? Just because you're on the Channel 5 news, and everybody adores the Queer Guy. And of course there is the undeniable fact that you have an awesome ass.

[after talking to homophobic people all day]

Corinne:
I wanted to say, "How can you be such a bigoted, ignorant a**hole and still call yourself an American?"

Melanie:
What *did* President Bush say?

[Michael says that Ben's been heartbroken since Hunter left]

Debbie:
You two having sex?

Michael:
Ma!

Brian:
Remember what I said to you last night?

Justin:
Yes, I heard. You said you love me.

Brian:
Then how about marrying me?

Ted:
The contractor just told me that Babylon will be back on its dancing feet in no time with enough insurance money left over to put in that new sound system.

Brian:
That's good news. Except I've decided not to reopen the club.

Ted:
What?

Brian:
Babylon is history.

Ted:
But it's your baby, your toy, your personal playground.

Brian:
Well, now it's a battleground.

Ted:
What are you gonna do with it?

Brian:
You said there're developers who wanna tear it down, put in a mini mall.

Ted:
And you said you'd sooner die than see our happy homo home homogenized.

Brian:
Enough people have already died. Anyway, who'd pay 20 bucks to dance in the memory of bombs and corpses?

[at the candlelight vigil for those injured or killed in the explosion at Babylon]

Drew Boyd:
I was asked to say a few words tonight. I asked "why?" They said, "Because you're a hero." A hero... Because I played football? Because after a lifetime of denial I was finally honest about who I am? I don't call that heroic. What *is* heroic is standing up for the rights you deserve, no matter what the consequences. And that's exactly what those who were injured... and who lost their lives last night were doing. Or trying to before they were stopped. But they were up against a powerful opponent - hatred. Hatred spread by those that want to deny others what's rightfully theirs. In the name of *their* God, *their* family, *their* country. I guess they forgot that America belongs to everyone.

Melanie:
I used to hate it when Brian would say, "There are two kinds of straight people in this world - the ones who hate you to your face, and the ones who hate you behind your back," because I knew that wasn't true, there are plenty of straight people who don't hate us. But the ones who do no longer have to do it behind our backs, they can do it in the White House, in the churches, on television, in the streets! Is that the kinda place we wanna live? Is that the kinda place we wanna raise our kids?

[after she's read Brian and Justin's wedding announcement]

Debbie:
There's only one explanation - he must've knocked up Sunshine.

Michael:
Look, what happened between us, I just wanted to say...

Brian:
Forget it. I behaved like an a**hole; you behaved like a bigger one. So... you wanna be my best man?

Michael:
Really?

Brian:
You've always stood up for me. Why should now be any different?

[Michael can't stand to talk about Mel and Linz moving]

Michael:
I don't wanna talk about this.

Brian:
Fine, let's talk about something else. What should I wear to my wedding? My mom wants me to wear the gown she wore, but, let's face it, she never had much luck.

[Justin's making the wedding seating chart while he and Brian are talking about Gus moving]

Justin:
Y'know, you amaze me. He's your son and you're acting like you don't give a sh*t.

Brian:
They're his parents, not me. I'm just...

Justin:
An uncredited guest appearance, I know. You should give yourself more credit. I see how you are when you're with him, it's like nobody else on earth exists. And the way he looks at you...

Brian:
Y'know, I don't think you should seat your mom's boyfriend next to Debbie unless you're trying to scare him away.

Justin:
Would you listen to me? Are you listening?

Brian:
Yeah, I'm listening.

Justin:
You are not your father. You love your son. Now what's it gonna take for you to admit it, another bomb?

[Brian doesn't want Gus to move to Canada]

Brian:
He's not the only one I'm going to be losing. I don't want you to go, Wendy.

Lindsay:
I have to, Peter.

Emmett:
As Deb once said to me, "Em, you've been on more wieners than French's mustard."

Michael:
This is where it all began...

Brian:
...and ended.

Michael:
But it's who we are. It's what made us.

Brian:
Didn't you say that this was all just a cheap illusion? That outside life goes on and in here nothing ever changes?

Michael:
I did say that, yes, but that was before I realized that some things aren't meant to change. Dance with me.

[Justin walks out in his wedding tux]

Brian:
Holy sh*t.

Justin:
What?

Brian:
You look...

Justin:
Good? Bad? Laughable?

Brian:
Beautiful.

[at Brian's stag party]

Michael:
Can I have your attention, please? I would like to offer a toast to the memory of Brian Kinney. Out-going, friendly, some would say to a fault, he never met a man he didn't like.

Ben:
In his younger days, Brian dreamed of being a lawyer. He said, "I want to get innocent men off. I'll go to any length to get to the bottom of things."

Emmett:
Later on in life, he devoted himself to volunteer work. It's true. If he heard that someone was laid up, or flat on his back, he'd come time and time again until they felt better.

Michael:
So, now that he's gone, I'm sure that there's not a man in this room who wouldn't agree that he has left a hole that can never be filled. Here's to Brian!

Melanie:
You finally grew a heart.

Brian:
Maybe you'll have the same luck growing a penis.

[about their first night at Babylon, so many years ago]

Brian:
I thought I looked pretty hot.

Michael:
You did look pretty hot... That night I jerked off thinking about you.

Brian:
Well, whaddya know. I jerked off thinking about me, too.

[giving his speech at the Committee for Human Rights]

Michael:
It's an honor to stand here today, considering a few weeks ago the doctors weren't sure I was going to make it. But I was one of the lucky ones. I'm here. And as terrifying as it was, I'd be there again to defeat a bill that would deny rights to Americans just because they're gay. I have a loving partner, two wonderful kids, a home, a small business. The truth is, I'm just like you. [puts away prepared speech and speaks from the heart] Actually, that's not the truth. Sure, in a lot of ways, I am just like you. I wanna be happy, I want some security, a little extra money in my pocket, but in many ways, my life is nothing like yours. Why should it be? Do we all have to have the same lives to have the same rights? I thought that diversity was what this country was all about. In the gay community, we have drag queens, leather daddies, trannies, and couples with children - every color of the rainbow. My mother's standing way in the back with some friends. My friends. She once told me that people are like snowflakes; every one special and unique... and in the morning you have to shovel 'em off the driveway. But being different is what makes us all the same. It's what makes us family.

Ethan:
Why do you have to be so antisocial?

Justin:
I'm not antisocial. I just can't stand people.

Debbie:
Do you know what MYOB stands for?

Ted, Emmett:
[look blankly]

Debbie:
Mind your own f***ing business.

Ted:
Shouldn't there be an "f" in there?

Emmett:
[nods] Mmm.

Brian:
I don't want to be with someone who sacrified their life and called it love... to be with me.

Justin:
Neither do I.

Ben:
Instead of being our foster son, we'd like you to be our real son. That is, if you'd like us to be your fathers.

Hunter:
You mean, you wanna adopt me?

Michael:
As soon as possible, in case Prop 14 passes.

[Hunter begins writing in his journal, talking aloud]

Hunter:
Today Michael and Ben asked me to be their son... I said yes.

[Ted and Emmett are at a ski lodge, with Ted just about to blow out his birthday candles]

Ted:
Every year I always wish for the same thing - a boyfriend. Someone to love who'll love me. This year I think I'm gonna wish for something else. The wisdom and maturity to realize that I won't find what I want by looking for it. Not expect someone else to give me what I never gave myself. That I'm not a half waiting to be made a whole. And even if that special person never comes along... I'll be just fine.

[Suddenly, Blake walks up behind Ted]

Blake Wyzecki:
Ted?

Ted:
Blake?

Blake Wyzecki:
I thought it was you.

Ted:
What are you doing here?

Blake Wyzecki:
I'm on the gay ski team. And it's gay ski week.

Ted:
Right. Uh, you remember...

Blake Wyzecki:
Emmett.

Emmett:
Yeah, wow, what a surprise. And Teddy was just about to hang up his skis.

Calvin:
Pardon me, but aren't you Emmett Honeycutt, of the Hazelhurst, Mississippi Honeycutts?

Emmett:
Why, yes I am. And you are?

Calvin:
Ah...

Emmett:
Oh, my God. You're Calvin Colpepper! You were on the boys' swim team in high school! I used to go to those meets just hoping your trunks would slip off.

Calvin:
Oh, now...

Emmett:
But I always thought you were, um...

Calvin:
So did I.

Emmett:
So what do you say we go back to my room and reminisce about old times?

Calvin:
There's not that much to reminisce about.

Emmett:
I know.

[just as Mel and Linz are leaving for Canada]

Debbie:
Hold it. I don't care where you're going and I don't care what you're doing, but you better get your asses back here every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, Chanukah, and Mother's Day. Cos you know how I feel about family.

Melanie:
We wouldn't be one without you, Deb.

Lindsay:
You'll be all right?

Brian:
Wiffout you cwazy wesbians?

Lindsay:
I meant Justin.

Brian:
He's a selfish prick. Thinks only of himself.

Lindsay:
You taught him well... I know. I'm sorry. No apologies.

Brian:
No regrets.

[they kiss]

[Justin's about to leave for New York]

Justin:
I'll be back. And you'll come there, we're gonna see each other all the time.

Brian:
You don't know that. Neither do I. Whether we see each other next week, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.

Justin:
[picking up the box that holds their wedding rings] You didn't return them?

Brian:
I didn't return them.

Justin:
We don't need rings or vows to prove that we love each other. We already know that.

Brian:
...You did it.

Justin:
Did what?

Brian:
Became the best homosexual you could possibly be.

Michael:
You'll always be young. You'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for f***'s sake!

Michael:
If God wanted me on ice, he would have made me a vodka martini.

Justin:
[Brian has decided to move to New York] We should stop him.

Michael:
Stop Brian... right. Next we can take on Starbucks.

Michael:
I'm sure he would go if I wanted him to.

Brian:
Uh-huh.

Michael:
It's true!

Brian:
All right, then make sure he's there.

Michael:
All right, I will.

Brian:
Okay.

Michael:
Okay.

Brian:
Great.

Michael:
Fine.

Melanie:
[about Lindsay marrying Guillaume] What if he never leaves? What if he becomes a permanent fixture?

Brian:
What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle.

[Brian has been acting uninterested in sex with Justin]

Justin:
He's never turned me down before.

Emmett:
I have to admit, that doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and... feel ambivalent about.

Debbie:
[trying to comfort Michael when he was unable to donate his sperm] Don't be so hard on yourself.

Brian Kinney:
[turns around] I wouldn't mention "hard on!"

Brian Kinney:
Aw, Melanie the Martyr - should I set you on fire?

Melanie:
I told you, he's a total heterophobe.

Justin:
It's true, he is.

Brian Kinney:
It's true, I am.

Debbie:
It's three days. Three f***ing days and not one f***ing word. Except for this strange cryptic message - Don't worry, Ma, I'm all right.

Justin:
Doesn't sound strange or cryptic to me.

Debbie:
Well, you're not a mother.

Ben:
I just talked to him, Debbie, and he's all right.

Debbie:
He is not all right. A mother can always read between the lines. It's the first time since Michael's learned how to pick up a phone that we haven't talked three times a day.

Justin:
Three?

Brian Kinney:
I know, it explains so much.

Leda:
[to Brian] You must be the Anti-Christ. Big fan.

Ben:
Your friend Stockwell chased all the hustlers off Liberty Avenue - now they're right under our bedroom window.

Brian Kinney:
Say what you will about city living, you can't beat it for the convenience.

Brian Kinney:
'Hey hey ho ho homophobia's got to go.' Gimme a f***ing break.

Michael:
So I take it you're not going?

Brian Kinney:
Hell no, I won't go.

Brian Kinney:
[to Justin] By the way... I missed you.

Brian Kinney:
Remember last Christmas when I came to pick you up and you were setting up for Santa's Workshop?

Michael:
Not Santa, don't tell me you f***ed Santa!

Brian Kinney:
Even I wouldn't do that - I'm not into fat. His elf.

Brian Kinney:
I've always dreamed of having an office with a drain in the floor.

Brian Kinney:
I'm suing the motherf***er.

Michael:
Take it easy, Brian.

Brian Kinney:
He said I was thirty-one!... I'm thirty.

Justin:
Is that all you care about? He practically called you a child molester.

Brian Kinney:
And who should know, better than... you.

Brian Kinney:
[to his mother] If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven WITH YOU!

Brian Kinney:
If you don't earn respect when you're alive, you don't deserve it when you're dead.

Brian Kinney:
Justin is a big boy. He should be allowed to make his own mistakes.

Brian Kinney:
[whispers in his ear] I love you.

Justin:
[sighs]

Brian Kinney:
I love you.

Brian Kinney:
You've been to enough heterosexual suicide pacts to know this is a wedding cake.

Brian Kinney:
What're you doing?

Justin:
Killing you with kindness. It's proven to be a highly effective technique for achieving one's goals.

Brian Kinney:
Yo, b*tches - tear each other's hair out later.

Brian Kinney:
You know, he's a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.

Michael:
You had sex with Ted?

Emmett:
You never had sex with Ted.

Michael:
When did you have sex with...

Brian Kinney:
Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.

Brian Kinney:
[to Justin] You walked down with me, back to the Jeep, and we were goofing, we were dancing. I kissed you, said 'later,' and then you turned around and smiled. Then I knew why Debbie calls you Sunshine.

Brian Kinney:
He's my best friend since we were 14.

Dr. David Cameron:
That's 16 years of waiting. He's been waiting so long he actually thinks he's happy. But you and I both know that he's never gonna get what he really wants, is he?

Brian Kinney:
And what is that, Doc?

Dr. David Cameron:
For you to f*** him.

Michael:
[to Justin, about Brian] If you ask me, he's been pretty good to you. He saved your life, he took you in, he's putting you through school, he protects you, he looks after you... And whether you believe it or not, he loves you, more than he's ever loved anyone.

Michael:
Ma, do you have to sit here?

Debbie:
I know you're uncomfortable hanging out in gay bars with your mother. But look at it this way. If you meet somebody nice, you won't have to bring him home to meet me, 'cause I'm already here.

Detective Carl Horvath:
You were right.

Brian Kinney:
My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'.

Lindsay:
Justin has an amazing feel for the human form.

Brian Kinney:
Yes, I've noticed that myself.

Lindsay:
In your own weird, subversive way, you're not a bad father.

Brian Kinney:
Well, I prefer to see myself as the anti-dad.

Lindsay:
Whatever you are, if you'd like to spend more time with him, all you have to do is ask.

Brian Kinney:
I think I'll stick to my un-credited cameo appearances.

Lindsay:
You know, one day in the not-too-distant future, we'll be watching him graduate from school. Then I imagine he'll meet a lovely young girl - or boy. Get married, maybe. Have grandchildren, maybe.

Brian Kinney:
Oh, you really know how to kill a moment, don't you?

Lindsay:
Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be the hottest, handsomest anti-grandpa ever.

Michael:
He wants me to be honest, to tell him what I really think.

Brian Kinney:
And what do you really think?

Michael:
It was kinda boring.

Brian Kinney:
Kinda like him? He's your partner, Mikey. You gotta sit him down, take his hand and tell him "Honey, it's a steaming pile of horseshit."

Michael:
Could you say that to Justin?

Brian Kinney:
Yeah. Fortunately... he's a genius.

Michael:
You are so helpful.

Michael:
She hit me. My mother f***ing hit me!

Ted:
She's always hitting you.

Brian Kinney:
That's how she shows her affection.

Michael:
I mean for real.

Brian Kinney:
Well, what did Mikey do?

Michael:
I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop.

Ted:
You know, if she keeps this up, we're going to have to take her honorary queer button away.

Michael:
Where are her values? Her principles?

Brian Kinney:
You know how it is when you want cock. They're the first things to go.

Michael:
Your loyalty to Lindsay means more than our friendship?

Brian Kinney:
Don't make this about us, Michael.

Michael:
Well, if it isn't Little Mary Sunshine.

Emmett:
Little Mary Sunshine died. I'm Little Mary Go F*** Yourself.

Tracy:
Whether you're gay or you're straight, I thought we were friends.

Michael:
We are.

Tracy:
Well, friends trust each other. What did you think would happen if you told me? That I'd tell everyone at the store? I wouldn't have, Mike. Don't you know that?

Michael:
I should've. But when you spend your entire life keeping it a secret, who you really are, you learn to stop trusting people and it becomes second nature.

Ted:
I saw you. F***ing. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney f***ing for all eternity.

Brian Kinney:
You should be so lucky.

Michael:
You have anything to say?

Brian Kinney:
No.

Michael:
Well I do. You can f*** him at your place, you can f*** him in his gym class, you can f*** him at the zoo - but you can NOT f*** him in my mother's house! In my room!

Justin:
I f***ed him so hard my dick's gonna be sore for a week.

Brian Kinney:
I don't wanna hear about it.

Michael:
Actually, I wanna hear more...

Ted:
Speak slowly and enunciate...

Emmett:
Everybody knows I'm terrible judge of character.

Brian Kinney:
Yeah, just look at who he hangs out with!

Emmett:
I feel like the town slut on prom night. Again!

Brian Kinney:
The first time you came here, you didn't know anything about me. I could have done anything to you.

Justin:
I was pretty sure you were gonna f*** me.

Justin:
I should have told you about him.

Brian Kinney:
And taken all the fun out of it? So how big's his dick?

Justin:
That has nothing to do with it.

Brian Kinney:
Since when? You love cock, you love it down your throat, you love it up your ass, you love riding it, and after you cum, you love to fall asleep when it's still inside of you.

Ben:
Michael, we can't tell him not to use drugs if we do it ourselves!

Michael:
Of course we can! That's what being a parent is all about!

Brian Kinney:
You know what's wrong with our extracurricular one-f*** only policy?

Justin:
Is it that after a while, you start asking yourself, am I doing this because I WANT to do it, or because I NEED to do it? And if I NEED to do it, is it to prove that I'm still young and attractive? Or because I feel unworthy of being loved?

Brian Kinney:
Or maybe it's that I've had *every f***able guy in here*!

Michael:
Why can't we ever see Zephyr in a f***fest with some great looking guy?

Justin:
Because nobody buys our comics to see Zephyr get laid.

Michael:
That is so not true! Just because you don't wanna see it.

Justin:
It's not that I don't want to see it - it's that I can't imagine it!

Emmett:
[to Blake] If you break his heart, I will break your face.

Brian Kinney:
Well, there's no predicting. Oops, I said dick, didn't I.

Debbie:
Don't forget, Monday night, ziti night.

Michael:
Great. So I can be fat AND single.

Debbie:
Now, you'd better get out of here before me and my fag friends beat the living sh*t out of you!

Jennifer Taylor:
He told the therapist that he likes dick.

Debbie:
See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again.

Vic:
Once upon a time I was a pretty decent chef.

Debbie:
'Decent?' He was another Sara Lee!

Vic:
I'll take that as the compliment I'm sure was intended.

Michael:
He's a selfish little sh*t.

Brian Kinney:
Be quiet, Michael.

Michael:
He used you, and he took from you, and he never gave back a thing.

Brian Kinney:
I said be quiet!

Michael:
And this is thanks you get for saving his life. If you ask me, it wasn't worth it, you might as well have just left him lying there...

Brian Kinney:
[punches Michael in the face]

Brian Kinney:
If someone would've told me what you were up to I would've fired your ass... if I hadn't had my dick inside it.

Justin:
But I'm not sorry for anything.

Brian Kinney:
I'm not saying you should be sorry, I'm saying you should apologize.

Brian Kinney:
Wouldn't you rather just cuddle?

Justin:
What?

Brian Kinney:
I said wouldn't you rather just lie here...

Justin:
No no no, I heard what you said. You said "cuddle"!

Brian Kinney:
I don't believe in love; I believe in f***ing. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit. Love is something straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with.

Brian:
If you don't want me to give you the money I'll loan it to you.

Justin:
I don't need your handouts.

Brian:
It's not a handout. When you graduate and get a real job you can pay me back with interest.

Justin:
No thanks.

Brian:
...Why are you being such a twat?

Brian:
Didn't your daddy ever teach you how to tie a tie?

Justin:
No, he was too busy kicking me out and beating the sh*t out of you.

Brian:
Well neither did mine. He was too busy regretting the day I was born, c'mere.

Emmett:
[Someone knocks on Emmett/Michael's door] Well, that must be Prince Charming!

Emmett:
[Emmett opens the door and Brian is standing there, not Dr. Dave] Make that the wicked witch!

Michael Novotny:
Think I'd look good with a new haircut? I think I would, do you?

Brian Kinney:
What did have you in mind?

Michael Novotny:
I don't know. Maybe buzz it all off or bleach it.

Brian Kinney:
That'd be cool... for two years ago. So, what's wrong?

Michael Novotny:
Nothings wrong. Why you think somethin' is wrong?

Brian Kinney:
Because every time when somethings wrong you wanna change you're hair.

Michael Novotny:
That is so not true!

[Deb comes up with the coffee]

Brian Kinney:
[to Deb] Michael's thinking about changing his hair.

Debbie Novotny:
Oh God. Baby, what's wrong? Tell me.

Michael Novotny:
Where have you been? You didn't come home lastnight?

Debbie Novotny:
Somebody get lucky.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Good for him. I spent the night at Ted's. You guys he is in deep sh*t trouble. We need to have an invention.

Debbie Novotny:
Booze?

Brian Kinney:
Crystal.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Whipping the Willie.

Brian Kinney:
Schmuck. He couldn't even get a decent addiction.

Justin Taylor:
You wanna dance?

random guy at Babylon:
F***, yeah!

Justin Taylor:
That was gonna be my next question.

Brian Kinney:
Gus just puked all over me.

Justin Taylor:
Babies do that.

Brian Kinney:
All over my favorite leather jacket.

Vic:
[looking at Gus] A fashion critic already.

Dr. David Cameron:
How came you're sitting here on the sideline?

Michael Novotny:
I told you, I can't scate.

Dr. David Cameron:
Well, I'll help you.

Michael Novotny:
If God wanted me to be on ice, he'd have made me a Vodka martini.

Ted:
I took viagra last night. It's been 18 hours and it won't go down. What am I going to do?

Emmett:
Have you tried soaking it?

Lindsay:
How about a cold shower?

Brian:
How about scaring it?

Justin:
That's hiccups.

Brian:
Boo!

Ted:
Thank you all for caring.

Melanie:
What about something that would completely turn you off?

Brian:
That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits.

Emmett:
That was so moving! Wasn't that moving?

Brian:
Like a case of dysentery.

Ted:
Well, don't worry, God still loves you no matter what.

Brian:
Yeah. like I give a sh*t what God thinks about me. He'd better be worried what I think about him.

Michael Novotny:
How do you figure that?

Brian:
Well, in all this cold dead universe, we're the only ones who know he exists. Without us, he's nothing.

Vic:
Here, have some coconut cake.

Jennifer Taylor:
Oh, no thanks.

Debbie:
Vic made it himself.

Vic:
Yeah, it's my warm-up for Gus' birthday.

Debbie:
He used to be a pastry chef.

Vic:
Black bottoms were my specialty. [clears throat and glances over at Debbie]

Debbie:
[holds up hands in defense] I didn't say a word.

Justin Taylor:
Now I get to stay with you. Yee-ha!

Michael Novotny:
It was awful. All those dirty-minded old men, staring at me and pinching my ass.

Emmett Honeycutt:
It was fabulous! All those dirty old men staring at me and pinching my ass!

Ted Schmidt:
I mean, he fired me. Me - the hardest working most devoted employee he's got. And for what?

Michael Novotny:
Wanking to the web?

Ted Schmidt:
No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't wanking. I was watching - same as everybody else in that office. The only difference I wasn't watching what everybody else watches.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Straight sex.

Ted Schmidt:
Yeah, it's fine to salivate over some bimbo with b*obs the size of flotation devices stuffing a zucchini up her twat. But god forbid you should see some guy with pecs of death squatting on a road teepee. Oh, then you're instantly out on your ass!

Michael Novotny:
That's discrimination on the workplace.

Michael:
[to Javier] That's where I know you from... From the White party... You gave me crabs!

[first lines]

Emmett Honeycutt:
Hook up for real?

Ted Schmidt:
[talking about Cyber Sex] Jesus, I think I did it with you, just last week.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Eww! How was I?"

Ted Schmidt:
Did you ever consider just telling him the truth?

Emmett Honeycutt:
What? That I'm a big, nelly bottom who wishes he were a beefy, brutal top... and never will be.

Brian Kinney:
[to Justin] Your father's an a**hole who treats you like sh*t. He practically killed me. I say forget about him.

Emmett Honeycutt:
It's pathetic. My screen name has more fun than I do.

Nurse:
Look, Miss, or whatever you are... I believe it was already explained to you that only the child's parents or legal guardian's are permitted to be with him.

Melanie Marcus:
And I believe it needs to be explained to you, that I'm the one who loves him, feeds him and walks him, and plays with him, and changes him, and cleans up his sh*t and wipes up his vomit... and pays the bills, and you listen to me. I stay up half the night worrying that he will grow up to be happy and healthy and loved. So don't you dare tell me I have no right to be with him, you officious, homophobic c*nt.

Ted Schmidt:
Then we'd better get busy. Right, Professor Higgins?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Right, Pickering! We'll turn you from a simple flower girl into a lady!

Michael:
I saw "X Men" eight times.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I haven't seen so many dogs since "A Hundred And One Dalmatians".

Brian Kinney:
[to Justin] I'll tell him the truth: "These two dykes I knew wanted a kid really bad, so I jerked off into a cup".

[last lines]

Michael:
Look, I wanted to talk to you about...

Dr. David Cameron:
I wanna...

Michael:
You... You first.

Dr. David Cameron:
Go, go.

Michael:
Look, I know I disappointed you.

Dr. David Cameron:
No, I let you down.

Michael:
I'm an idiot and I...

Dr. David Cameron:
I'm a jerk. I was insensitive. I should've been more sensitive.

Michael:
I don't really fit in with your friends. I don't know if I ever will.

Dr. David Cameron:
When two live in two separate places...

Michael:
We're from two totally different worlds.

Dr. David Cameron:
There's only one thing that we should do.

Michael:
I know, I agree.

Dr. David Cameron:
There's no other choice.

Michael:
So, this is it. It's over.

Dr. David Cameron:
Over? What's over? I want you to move in with me.

Michael:
What is this, adopt-a-trick?

Brian Kinney:
Not even six months old, and my kid's already a drama queen.

Ted Schmidt:
Well, at least you know he's yours.

Michael:
David's throwing a diner party, us and two other couples, one of them are straight.

Brian Kinney:
He eats with straight people?

Ted Schmidt:
Ick. You never know where their hands have been.

Justin:
You were right. Brian showed me he loved me. Every day. Even though he never said it. Even though he never will. I just didn't want to hear it.

Michael:
Well it's always nice to be right.

Trick:
Who's He?

Brian Kinney:
That's a difficult question to answer given the limitations of the language, conventionality of most people's thinking... Ummm... Let's just say he's the guy I f*** more than once.

Justin:
Unlike you.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

Professor Ben Bruckner:
Yes, you are seeing it. The most historic reunification since Germany.

Emmett Honeycutt:
What happened to the fiddler?

Michael:
He fell off the roof.

Justin:
Even if we do get arrested.

Brian Kinney:
Uh, well... what kind of artist are you if you don't?

Brian:
Heteros one... Homos nothing.

Justin:
I'm not antisocial, I just can't stand people.

Vic Grassi:
Heterosexual love. You see Justin, they're not that different from us.

Michael Novotny:
I'm half Italian and half drag queen - I'm allowed to get worked up.

Joan Kinney:
It's what happens when you turn your back on the Lord.

Brian Kinney:
F*** the lord. And f*** you!

Claire:
Did Brian really do what you said he did?

John:
He is a fag. Like you've said, just a goddamn fag.

Debbie Novotny:
Shame on you.

[John runs away]

Debbie Novotny:
[to Claire] But most of all, shame on you!

[Michael has just volunteered to go to New York with Brian to find Justin]

Ted:
Well, as long as the back seat's empty, I might as well be in it.

Emmett:
Yeah, yeah, count me in.

Brian:
Why do you guys want to go?

Emmett:
Why? Why?

Ted:
How can you even ask that?

Emmett:
Brian, you're one of our closest friends!

Ted:
We can't let you go off on this perilous journey all on your own.

Emmett:
We are going to be with you all the way!

Brian:
I'm touched. What's the real reason?

[Ted and Emmett look at each other and smile]

Ted, Emmett:
[chanting] Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!

[first lines]

Dr. David Cameron:
Michael, I have this fantasy.

Michael Novotny:
Uh-huh.

Dr. David Cameron:
It's Sunday morning and I'm lying in bed. And I hear the little thump of the newspaper, and the sun's just coming through the window.

Michael Novotny:
Yeah?

Dr. David Cameron:
And in the distance... I hear the sound of someone singing very quietly... because they don't want to wake me up.

Michael Novotny:
Well, that's considerate, I think.

Dr. David Cameron:
And as I look across the room... I see through the frosted glass of the shower, the shape of the guy that I love.

Michael Novotny:
Am I conditioning my hair?

Dr. David Cameron:
I'm being serious, Michael.

Michael Novotny:
I know. I'm sorry. It sounds nice.

Dr. David Cameron:
It is nice. It can be nice. It will be nice when you move in with me.

Michael Novotny:
Hey, what do you know? "X-Men"'s out on D.V.D.

Brian:
Justin, a word. What the f*** is going on out there?

Justin Taylor:
I was just giving my friend Daphne a tour.

Brian:
This is not the White House. George Washington never slept here.

Justin Taylor:
He's the only one who hasn't.

Daphne Chanders:
Please, I'm never getting married. I mean, why be tied down?

Brian:
I love this girl.

Emmett:
[to Michael] F***, Captain Astro. You've got Doctor David.

Vic Grassi:
I remember it took Roberto and me six months to finally decide to live together. And a week to break up.

Debbie Novotny:
Well, how did you know he was still seeing three of his exes?

Brian:
[after all his clothes were stolen] Twelve Armani suits, four Gucci belts, and six pairs of Prada shoes, gone. You know, I'm starting to suspect gay-on-gay crime.

Lindsay Peterson:
Well, I wouldn't be surprised. You've have more visitors than Disney World.

Mysterious Marilyn:
[to Daphne] God writes the script, sweetie. I just say the lines.

Emmett:
Alright, let's sing some Barbra.

Ted:
Can't do Barbra unless you've got the lyrics on the monitor.

Emmett:
B*tch!

Brian:
If one of you starts to sing "People", I will leave you on the side of the road without stopping.

Michael Novotny:
He's not kidding.

Lindsay Peterson:
I guess that's what happens after six years. You just...

Melanie Marcus:
...Become one.

Brian:
[to Michael] So, here we are: "Brian And Mikey's Excellent Adventure".

[last lines]

Dr. David Cameron:
Just what I had in mind.

Emmett:
This is about what a certain someone's going to say, isn't it? Well, I say that you deserve to be loved. And don't let any man, queen, or Brian tell you otherwise.

Debbie Novotny:
The problem is he thinks I'm a whore!

Emmett Honeycutt:
I'm so proud.

Debbie:
[holds up a cheese doodle] Horvath is like a cheese doodle.

Vic:
[gasps] You told me was well-endowed!

[in a hustler bar filled with older men]

Justin:
Look at all these old guys.

Brian:
Sad, isn't it?

Justin:
Yeah. Some of them are even older than you are. But I guess at their age if you want it, you gotta pay for it.

Brian:
Another reason to die young.

Justin:
Or to accept the fact that youth and beauty are fleeting. That time will inevitably leave its mark, and that we should accept our mortality with grace and dignity.

[an old man makes eyes at Justin and winks at him. Justin looks faintly disturbed]

Justin:
Until then I could really clean up in this place.

Justin:
Must have been quite an elegant affair.

Brian:
A long night's journey into day. You should have been there.

Justin:
Uhh, yeah. I was helping Daphne study for midterms.

Brian:
Twenty of Pittsburgh's hottest, horniest hunks. And Debbie.

Justin:
Well, I know how much she wants to be a gay man, but is it wise to encourage her?

Brian:
Listen to me! Are you listening?

Ted:
I'm listening.

Brian:
You may be a pathetic drug addict who's lost everything; your dignity, your livelihood, your lover, your good name, the respect and trust of everyone you know...

Ted:
No one gives a pep talk like you, Brian!

Preacher:
It was so good to have you young men in our service tonight.

Justin:
It was *very* inspiring.

Preacher:
Give God the glory.

Cody Bell:
Mind if I ask you a question, Pastor?

Preacher:
Please.

Cody Bell:
This book [holds up Bible] - you have to believe all of it, not just some of it, right?

Preacher:
That's right.

Cody Bell:
So... do you like shrimp?

Preacher:
Well, as a matter of fact, I do.

Cody Bell:
Because in Leviticus - a few scriptures before that man lying with man is an abomination one - it also says it's an abomination to eat shellfish. And... shrimp are shellfish, right?

Preacher:
What's your point young man?

Cody Bell:
I believe the point is, if you can eat shrimp, we can eat cock.

Preacher:
[awkward silence] Son, you need the lord. You need to accept Jesus.

Cody Bell:
Oh, I accept Jesus. It's a**holes like you I have a problem with.

Brian:
You may have found the needle but locating the haystack's gonna be a b*tch.

Brian:
You won't marry me. Who could blame you? I am, without a doubt, the worst candidate for marriage alive. But, conversely, that's also the reason that I'm the best candidate.

Justin:
And how's that?

Brian:
Because as strongly as I was opposed to the idea, now that I'm behind it, I am as fervently and passionately committed.

Justin:
Uh-huh. And what changed your mind?

Brian:
I finally thought of one good reason to do it.

Justin:
And what is that one good reason?

Brian:
To prove to the person that I love how much I love him. That I would give anything, I would do anything, I'd be anything... to make him happy.

Justin:
You're f***ing unbelievable.

Brian:
It's true. I am.

Justin:
You, you bought this. You bought this palace.

Brian:
It's for my prince. I'm also selling the loft, and the club.

Justin:
Without even knowing what my answer would be?

Brian:
I'm taking a chance on love.

Justin:
...Then you mean it.

Brian:
I've never meant anything more.

Justin:
Ok.

Brian:
Ok?

Justin:
Let's do it.

Brian:
Say it.

Justin:
Yes!

Brian:
Yes what?

Justin:
Yes. Yes, I will marry you. I will marry you.

[they kiss, then Brian pulls away]

Justin:
What? Don't tell me you're already having second thoughts.

Brian:
Not one.

Michael Novotny:
I'm sure he would go if I wanted him to.

Brian Kinney:
Uh-huh.

Michael Novotny:
It's true.

Brian Kinney:
All right. Then make sure he's there.

Michael Novotny:
All right, I will.

Brian Kinney:
Okay.

Michael Novotny:
Okay.

Brian Kinney:
Great.

Michael Novotny:
Fine.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Only it's starting to feel perilously like a couples night,seeing as I'm the only single boy left.

Brian Kinney:
'Scuse me, what the f*** do you think I am?

Justin Taylor:
[Runs up and grabs Brian's arm] Are we going to Babylon? [Emmett bursts out laughing and Brian shoves him] What?

Emmett:
[to Drew, talking about football] You know, I can't see the difference between how you play your game on Sunday afternoons, and how I play my games on Saturday nights.

Emmett:
[Drew tackles him] ...this also isn't that much different from my Saturday nights.

Brian Kinney:
You know, if you want to regain the agility and the strength in your hand, I suggest jerking off several times a day. It works like magic.

Michael Novotny:
This is dinner?

Brian Kinney:
It's just the essential elements of a healthy diet: Salt, saturated fat,alcohol.

Michael Novotny:
I've never eating again. My mom practical forced-fed me to eat the entire Liberty Diner menu.

Brian Kinney:
Well, who told you to eat it?

Michael Novotny:
Well, what I'm suppose to do?

Brian Kinney:
Say no.

Michael Novotny:
You know it makes her happy.

Brian Kinney:
There you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea,severe cramps, even diarrhea.

Debbie Novotny:
F*** nice.

Justin:
And you're so smart? If you had any f***ing brains at all you never would have let me leave. You would have told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life, that I would regret it as long as I live. You would have told me that what you gave me was a thousand...a million times better than anything he had to offer. You would have told me you loved me.

Brian:
[after Justin's been fired] You wanted to see me?

Justin:
[not only talking about the job] I gave it some thought and I decided you should take me back.

Brian:
Oh?

Justin:
Even though I've made a few mistakes, I think you'd be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.

Brian:
I see.

Justin:
'Cause now I understand what you want it is you want of me...and I know what I can expect from you.

Brian:
You also understand that you'll be required to work long...hard hours...sometimes deep into the night?

Justin:
It'll be a pleasure to work under you...sir.

Brian:
...And you're *never* to play violin music in my presence again.

Justin:
I promise.

Hunter:
[emerges from bathroom] Okay, who wants to f*** me first?

Ben:
That's not why we brought you up here.

Hunter:
Then what do you want?

Michael Charles Novotny:
For you not to get killed.

Hunter:
Big loss if I did. I'm going back to work.

Ben:
Not with that. [indicates Hunters bruises]

Michael Charles Novotny:
Someone should probably look at it.

Hunter:
I'll try to pick up a doctor.

[Ted and Emmet are at the Diner. Ted has hurt his back and can't stand upright]

Emmett Honeycutt:
Now, let's, uh... let's have a little lunch, starting with a vicacet appetizer.

Ted Schmidt:
I don't believe in drugs. I'll take my pain straight up.

Debbie Novotny:
Shame you can't stand that way.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Would you bring me a scoop of butter pecan, Debbie? [starts whispering] Whenever we wanted, uh, our dog, fetch, to take a pill we'd always hide it in the ice cream.

Debbie Novotny:
[whispering back] Got it.

Ted Schmidt:
Do you really think I couldn't hear what you just said?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Fetch heard everything we said too, but he couldn't resist the butter pecan.

Brian:
What happened to the love that was going to last for an eternity?

Justin:
Eternities aren't as long as they used to be.

Brian:
I'm suing the motherf***er.

Michael:
Take it easy, Brian.

Brian:
He said I'm thirty-one! ...I'm thirty.

Emmett Honeycutt:
You know, I uh, I may be a slut. But at least I'm an honest slut.

Debbie Novotny:
And trust me I know chins! I have several of them.

[Justin's mom is helping Brian sell his loft]

Jennifer Taylor:
It's a special place.

Brian:
'Special' as in 'unique, fabulous, one-of-a-kind' or 'special' as in 'there are schools that can teach me to dress myself'?

Justin:
You and half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in your bed knowing the loft is yours.

Brian:
Half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in their own beds tonight. [kisses Justin on the cheek]

[Ted and Emmett are lost in the middle of nowhere]

Emmett Honeycutt:
I think we should have taken a left at this little squiggle here.

Ted Schmidt:
I thought you knew how to read a map!

Emmett Honeycutt:
Of course I know how to read a map. You go down this road, make a left at 'Up Yours', then continue on about 3 miles to 'Go F*** Yourself'.

Lindsay:
[discussing Justin leaving] Well, it's not just me, it's everyone. The way you treated him. Refusing to make even the slightest romantic gesture. It's no wonder he found someone else. However, it's not too late.

Brian:
For what?

Lindsay:
To get him back. [Brian rolls his eyes at her] Oh, don't give me that f***ing superior sneer. All you have to do is tell him you love him. It's not too much to ask. A small sacrifice.

Brian:
And then we could be a happy couple. Like you and Melanie. Or Mikey and the professor. Or, God help us, Ted and Emmett.

Mel:
Yeah. that's what I said to him. I said "Brian is not the person you want responsible for your life. He's a selfish, narcissistic, little, f***ing f*ggot". And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock! It's because you're a little f***ing coward!

[first lines]

Michael Novotny:
In case you weren't there, I gotta tell you last Saturday night at Babylon was to die for.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[in leather] I feel like a nineteen ninety one Madonna video.

Michael Novotny:
You went home with...

Emmett Honeycutt:
An undertaker. Uh-hmm.

Brian Kinney:
I f***ed an undertaker once.

Michael Novotny:
You did? When?

Brian Kinney:
He told me sometimes they sew the mouths shut. [raising his eyebrow]

Emmett Honeycutt:
[to Brian and Michael] You know, when I go, promise you won't let them sew my mouth shut? Because when I get to heaven, and I meet Natalie Wood, I want to be able to say, "Natalie, it's Emmett. What happened that night?".

Brian Kinney:
[about Ted, who is in a coma] You know, he is a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.

Michael Novotny:
You had sex with Ted?

Emmett Honeycutt:
You never had sex with Ted!

Michael Novotny:
When did you have sex with...?

Brian Kinney:
Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.

Michael Novotny:
Semi? When?

Brian Kinney:
You know that weekend that John-John's plane went down?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Oh, God. They kept showing him on the beach with his shirt off. I didn't know whether to jerk off or weep.

Michael Novotny:
[about Ted, who is in a coma] He's in there! His life's like this... A dot on a screen. It could be us!

Brian Kinney:
No, it could not be us! Because we know better. We know not to believe pretty little blonde boys who tell you that "it's really good sh*t", because that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends because they're the only ones that give a f*** about you. [putting his arms on Michael's and Emmett's shoulders]

Justin Taylor:
Yearning is when you want something really badly. Like, so bad it hurts.

Mr. Horner:
Exactly. It needs to hurt to be worthy of the word. Otherwise, it's just wanting. It's represented in the Gatsby by "the green light across the water" - you can see it, but you can't touch it.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[Emmett, Michael and Brian are in the steam bath, where a guy with a great ass passes in front of them.] Why I can't get my glutes to look like that?

Michael Novotny:
Maybe you're not properly visualized in the muscle group.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Oh, I'm visualizing it alright. On my face.

Brian Kinney:
[about being Ted's power of attorney] Why me? Why not his mother? Why not you?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Because I can't decide what to wear in the morning. Who in their right mind would give me power of life and death?

Michael Novotny:
I couldn't do it, either.

Brian Kinney:
I don't even like Ted.

Michael Novotny:
Oh, come on! You do so!

Brian Kinney:
Not enough to be responsible for his f***ing life.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Well he must have wanted you for a reason.

Michael Novotny:
Maybe he's secretly in love with you.

Brian Kinney:
"I love you, I'm comatose: kill me".

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
People wake up from comas sweetheart.

Michael Novotny:
Yeah, sure.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Your uncle Vic: how long was he in his?

Michael Novotny:
Nine days?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Ten. And I thought I'd lost him. I couldn't tell your grandmother it was A.I.D.S. at the time, because she couldn't have dealt with it. I wanted to hear all about the white light and the... the tunnel, and, and... and did Aunt Theresa get to heaven... First words out of his mouth: "Did I miss the Golden Globes?". [laughs]

Emmett Honeycutt:
[Emmett's handphone rings, and he answers it.] Torso.

Michael Novotny:
[On the phone] It's me.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[On the phone] Oh, my God. Is he dead?

Michael Novotny:
[On the phone] No, but he's gonna wish he was when he finds out his Mom's going to his condo tonight for pajamas.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[On the phone] Oh, sh*t! What if she finds his porn?

Michael Novotny:
[On the phone] And his magazines. And remember his thirty-third birthday last year?

Emmett Honeycutt:
[On the phone] [laughing] When we gave him those thirty-three d*ldos, that was hilarious.

Michael Novotny:
[On the phone] Well, it's not so funny anymore. We've gotta go there and find all thirty-three.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[On the phone] Wait.

Michael Novotny:
[On the phone] What?

Emmett Honeycutt:
[On the phone] What if he's given some as hostess gifts?

Brian Kinney:
[to Mel] So let's cut to the chase, find somebody else. His mommy, or Michael, or Madonna. I don't care who!

Emmett Honeycutt:
[Emmett and Michael are at Ted's home. Emmett moves the light on the table to another position.] That's better. I'm always telling him not everything in life needs to be centered.

Michael Novotny:
We can redecorate later. His mother's coming! [opening the fridge, throwing things out at Emmett] Poppers, cheddar, Brie...

Emmett Honeycutt:
I don't think there are particular strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael.

Michael Novotny:
Fine, whatever. You check out the bedroom. I'll work out here.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Okay.

Michael Novotny:
Falcon...Falcon... "You've Got Mail"? He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

Justin Taylor:
[Justin is ringing the bell at Brian's building, only there's no answer.] Sh*t! F***! [shouting] Brian! Brian!

Brian's Neighbor:
Shut up!

Daphne Chanders:
Justin, I gotta go home.

Justin Taylor:
But, I... I have to find him.

Daphne Chanders:
Well, what about the crazy lady?

Justin Taylor:
What crazy lady?

Daphne Chanders:
You know, the weird one. From the diner.

Justin Taylor:
You mean Debbie?

Michael Novotny:
So what do you think it means?

Emmett Honeycutt:
I think it means he likes you.

Michael Novotny:
I think it means he loves me.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Kind of flattering, in a way. He collects you the way you collect comics.

Michael Novotny:
It's just that... All this time, I... I never knew.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[softly] There's a lot of things we don't know about each other. Like, did you know..., I used to walk down the street in Hazlehurst, Mississippi, and the postman would spit at me?

Michael Novotny:
I don't know where my father was born... Or even who he is.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I sat with my dead grandma for an hour, and held her hand before I told anyone she was dead. [Michael reaches over to hold Emmett's hand.] How come we never tell each other these things, huh?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[to Justin] And don't talk! I can figure it all out.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
I just want you to know that Melanie feels terrible about what she said.

Brian Kinney:
Do you think I care?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Look, it's upsetting for all of us. But at a time like this, we could try showing a little compassion. Especially for Ted. Is there any word?

Brian Kinney:
The machines say he's still alive.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Poor guy.

Brian Kinney:
What about us? [Lindsay looks at Brian.] We don't have any beeps, or wires, or little white dots telling us we're alive, so how do we know? I guess we just take each other's word.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Maybe we know from what people expect from us. I mean, take Gus. He needs me to feed him, to... change him. Knowing that tells me I'm alive. So for me, right now, it's him.

Brian Kinney:
What about me?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Ted needs you now. So maybe that's what tells you you're alive. You'll do the right thing. Whatever it is.

Brian Kinney:
You don't know that.

Brian Kinney:
[Brian is talking to Ted, who's in a coma because of a drug overdose.] F*** you, f*** you, f*** you... For going home with some tweaked out little twinkie, and thinking you got lucky. Did he let you eat his ass? Did he let you suck his cock? Well, I hope he was worth it... And f*** you for choosing me. I ought to let you lie here forever. How'd you like that? Can you hear me? You know..., you're not so bad looking. In fact..., you look better like this. You should die more often. Or live, so that I don't have to say "yes". Yes, I'll do it. I'll give you what you want, what you need. But don't think it's for you. It's not. It's for me.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
I've always said it isn't who you love; it's how you love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing.

Michael Novotny:
[to Debbie] This is not about you and the Gay Mother of the Year award. This is about Brian's one-night stand.

Justin Taylor:
Not just one.

Michael Novotny:
Don't bet on it. And who here even cares?

Vic Grassi:
I do.

Justin Taylor:
My dad threatened to disown me. He called me a big queer.

Vic Grassi:
He didn't hit you, did he?

Michael Novotny:
Oh, come on, Uncle Vic. You're not gonna listen to this sh*t?

Justin Taylor:
That's why I have to see Brian. He'll let me stay with him.

Michael Novotny:
I don't think so.

Justin Taylor:
Well, then... I'll go to New York. I'll become a hustler, and I'll sell my body to gross old homos.

Vic Grassi:
I'll give you twenty bucks. [Debbie hits Vic on his head.] Save him the train fare!

Justin Taylor:
I'm gonna throw up. I gotta vomit.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Upstairs' bathroom. The one for guests and drama queens. [Justin runs upstairs, while Vic and Michael laugh.] It's not a joke, you know. Gay teens have a very high suicide rate.

Michael Novotny:
Unfortunately, not this one.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
I'm calling his mother.

Michael Novotny:
It's not our business.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
He may be telling the truth. And even if he isn't, she's gonna be worried.

Vic Grassi:
She's not worried. Now she knows: It's not drugs. It's not booze. He didn't buy an automatic weapon to take down to the Spanish club... It's just cock!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
I'm calling your mother. I'm taking you home.

Justin Taylor:
I'm not going.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
You get my tits in a knot, sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep sh*t! Excuse me.

Vic Grassi:
[Debbie walks away from the dining table. Justin sits down across from Vic.] What are you studying in school?

Justin Taylor:
Huh?

Vic Grassi:
It's called conversation.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Ready?

Michael Novotny:
I need to talk to Brian. I'll be there in a second. [the others leave] Do you have anything to say?

Brian Kinney:
... No.

Michael Novotny:
Well, I do. You can f*** him at your place, you can f*** him in his gym class, you can f*** him at the zoo, but you cannot f*** him in my mother's house. In my room!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
We're waiting.

Michael Novotny:
Okay, I'm gonna go do this little job, then I'm gonna go see Ted at the hospital. You do whatever the f*** you want!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[to Jennifer about Justin] Rude little sh*t, isn't he?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[to Justin] Don't tell me. Brian..., am I right?

Mrs. Schmidt:
Are you sure I can't help?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I can do it. It's no big deal.

Mrs. Schmidt:
I wish you'd let me drive you home.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Ah... I already asked my friends.

Mrs. Schmidt:
Michael, Emmett... Brian. I met them while you were... asleep.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Oh.

Mrs. Schmidt:
They're very nice. Especially Michael.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Yeah, Michael is... especially special.

Mrs. Schmidt:
Are you two...? I mean...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Oh, no. No. We, ah... He's just a friend.

Mrs. Schmidt:
Well, he's a very good friend. He was very kind to me. I'm grateful you have him.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Yeah, so am I.

Mrs. Schmidt:
Because more than anything, I worry that you're alone. That there's no one to look after you.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I can take care of myself.

Mrs. Schmidt:
Oh, I know you can. You've always been self-sufficient. I just... I wish you had someone to love you. And if you did, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Mom, please, let's uh...

Mrs. Schmidt:
I'm sorry. I know that it embarrasses you if I talk too much or I get too emotional. But I can't help thinking that, if you haven't woken up, and I would have never gotten a chance to let you know, how proud I am that you're my son. And that... it doesn't matter to me what you are. Yeah I got over that a long time ago. And that whenever you're feeling alone, or that no one loves you; it's not true. Because I do!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[long pause] Thank you, Mom for eh... for saying that.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[to Ted] Now, say it three times and click your heels: "Theres no place like home".

Michael Novotny:
Okay, just so you don't freak out... Your d*ldos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all... in case your Mom found it.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Well, I expect all thirty-three back. [to Emmett and Brian] Cleaned.

Emmett Honeycutt:
You should eat something, honey.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I'm not hungry.

Michael Novotny:
We bought you a whole f***ing chicken!

Brian Kinney:
And you're gonna eat it.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[to Brian] Oh, my God. Look at this. Who keeps lube in their front kitchen cabinet?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
It always looks so much smaller.

Michael Novotny:
What does?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Your life. Especially after returning from a near-death experience.

Michael Novotny:
Like watching the Oscars. [lowering his voice] Immediately proceeded by...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt, Michael Novotny:
"The Barbara Walter's Special!".

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I'm glad you're here.

Michael Novotny:
You are? Well, ah... I... uhm...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
What?

Michael Novotny:
I'm... ah... I'm glad you're here too. [Ted smiles.] And if you ever wanna talk about this..., or other stuff...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Other stuff?

Michael Novotny:
You know, if there's some... You know, something you can't talk about.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Like what?

Michael Novotny:
I don't know. You know, maybe if you talk about it, it might help it? But, you, ah, you might not get what you want. But... Oh, sh*t!

Brian Kinney:
[interrupting the conversation] Are you going to come eat the chicken?

Michael Novotny:
... I'm gonna arrange the daisies.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I saw you.... F***ing. When I woke up. I thought: ...I'm in hell. And this is my punishment. - Watching Brian Kinney f***ing for all eternity.

Brian Kinney:
[Brian puts his arm around Ted's shoulder] You should be so lucky. Why me? Why did you choose me?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
My mother couldn't do it. Michael and Emmett couldn't do it. But you could..., because you're a heartless sh*t. You could pull the plug and you wouldn't cry. And you'd know when it's time to go.

[last lines]

Brian Kinney:
I want it to be you.

Michael Novotny:
What?

Brian Kinney:
I want it to be you! I'll put it in writing.

Michael Novotny:
I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug.

Brian Kinney:
And you pull mine.

Michael:
[looking at the drawing of Brian] I think the artist has taken some liberties.

Brian:
Well, it's a perfect likeness.

Michael:
Come on, it was never that big.

Brian:
Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.

Michael:
I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours.

[first lines]

Michael:
[narrating voice over] Okay, so I'm a gay man with a superhero fetish. Yes, we're out there. And, no, it doesn't have anything to do with immaturity. I think we gay boys learn important lessons from comic books. One, there are a lot of villains out there, so you better develop some secret powers. Two, if you have a good body, you can wear tight clothes. And, three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo.

Michael:
I totally blew it.

Brian:
Don't worry, there's still plenty of creepy, old man out there who'd love to get in your pants.

Michael:
He wasn't that old. He wasn't creepy; he was nice. First doctor...

Brian:
Chiropractor.

Michael:
That counts. I think. [they are interrupted by the owner of the comic bookstore.]

Comic Store Worker:
Ah... We got in the new "Catwoman".

Michael:
Cool! [the guy walks away after showing Michael the comic book.] He takes me this really nice restaurant, I behave like a f***ing idiot, dressed up like some slick a**hole.

Brian:
Hey! That was my twelve hundred dollar leather jacket.

Michael:
It wasn't me. You know why, Because I'm nobody. That's my problem. [Brian is checking out the owner of the shop.] Are you even listening to me?

Brian:
I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that, would we?

Michael:
Just forget I said anything. Oh, wow! Look, it's the new Eletra Woman doll. I'm gonna buy this for Gus.

Brian:
Don't. I don't want a gay kid.

Michael:
He's being raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence. Besides, it'll be a collector's item.

Justin Taylor:
Does your Mom know you're out, buying jewelry?

Daphne Chanders:
No. She's totally cool with everything, only she's pretending to be because she's scared I'll run away and become a hairdresser.

Justin Taylor:
I hate you. My Mom's such a b*tch and I haven't even given her a reason yet.

Justin Taylor:
[Justin sees Melanie and Lindsay from across the street. To Daphne] Look! That's them. Brian's lesbians. [crossing the street] Hey. Hey! How's it going?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
I'm sorry, do we know you?

Justin Taylor:
I'm Justin. Brian's friend. I was there the night Gus was born. I named him.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Yeah...

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Oh, right! So when Gus ends up pumping gas, we'll have you to thank. [Lindsay laughs.]

Justin Taylor:
This is Daphne.

Daphne Chanders:
Hi. I'm not lesbian, but I, I... I'm a big fan. [Lindsay and Melanie don't know what to say.]

Justin Taylor:
He's gotten so big already.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Oh, well, you would too if all you did was sleep and eat all day.

Daphne Chanders:
He does.

Justin Taylor:
He's like the cutest baby I've ever seen. If you ever need a babysitter...

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Don't say that unless you mean it.

Justin Taylor:
And if you need any help carrying stuff to the car, I'll be glad to be of... [Lindsay immediately hands the bags over to Justin.] [slowly] ...assistance.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Wow, you're good for a thousand and one uses.

Daphne Chanders:
I'll see you later.

Justin Taylor:
I don't know.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[Ted and Emmett are at Torso, where Emmett is checking out new clothes.] I'm out.

Emmett Honeycutt:
At work? That's fabulous.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I'm out of the scene, I mean. I've made up my mind. No more bars, no more baths, no more clubs... You'll never see my face at Babylon again.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Oh, please. You can't let one little drug-induced coma get you down. [putting on a tee] What do you think?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
You look unbelievably trashy.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Tuck me into it. I'll buy it.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
You missed my point entirely. Everything we do, even the clothes we wear, is a conscious or, worse yet, unconscious attempt to get laid.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Yes, it's true. There's an overemphasis on sex. But why not buy two sizes too small and come with it?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Because, tragically, some of us were not born to wear Lycra.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[reading from the ad in the paper] "Date Bait. Meet other single gay man in a civilized evening of conversation. No pick-ups, no face-to-face rejection". They have an over thirty night.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Where? The morgue?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
And just for that, you're going with me.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I am not over thirty!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
And I am not going alone.

Dr. David Cameron:
[Michael is waiting for David in his office, when he walks in.] I didn't realize we'd scheduled a follow-up visit.

Michael:
We didn't. I told them it was an emergency.

Dr. David Cameron:
What's the problem?

Michael:
I'm a jerk. Can you adjust that?

Dr. David Cameron:
Provided it's not a permanent condition.

Michael:
See, the thing is, I don't date very often. You know, real, eat-a-meal, talk, stare-into-each-other's-eyes kinda date. So I... I kind of freaked. And I'm sorry, I was such an a**hole.

Dr. David Cameron:
You weren't an a**hole.

Michael:
Believe me, I've seen a**holes, and... [realizing the pun] I mean..., ah..., I feel shitty about it..., and I really like you. And I think you might actually have liked me.

Dr. David Cameron:
I do like you.

Michael:
You do? Well, do you think we could start over?

Dr. David Cameron:
Sit down. You're adorable, you know that?

Brian:
[Brian knocks on the door. Melanie opens it, and a doll greets her.] I got something for Gus.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[laughing] That's so sweet. We'll call Michael later to thank him.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
How long have you been drawing?

Justin Taylor:
My Mom brought me crayons when I was still in the crib. I never stopped.

Brian:
What's he doing here?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
We ran into each other on the street.

Justin Taylor:
It was like this weird coincidence.

Brian:
I bet.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
[looking at Justin's drawings] You know, these are good!

Justin Taylor:
That's what my Mother says.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Lindsay's an art teacher.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
For someone your age, you have an amazing feel for the human form.

Brian:
I've noticed that myself. [throws a teddy bear at Justin]

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
You know, there's going to be an art show at G.L.C.

Justin Taylor:
What's that?

Brian:
The Gay and Lesbian Center. [Justin frowns.] Safe haven for fags who can't get laid.

Brian:
Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me. [throws the bear at him again]

Justin Taylor:
Don't flatter yourself.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[laughs] Oh, we like Justin. Justin can stay.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
We'll make sure everyone comes. [to Brian] including you.

Brian:
B*tch.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Faggots, faggots everywhere, and not a drop to drink. I can honestly say I have no desire to have sex with any of these people.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Me neither. That's a start.

Dr. David Cameron:
I've never seen so many comic books.

Michael:
That's what everybody I bring home says. I mean, people have told me that.

Dr. David Cameron:
Uh-hmm. Who's the big fella?

Michael:
Captain Astro. Uhm, my friend Emmett, he's staying with me. It was supposed to be a temporary thing but he's become sort of a squatter, may come home at any time, so sorry about that.

Dr. David Cameron:
You don't have to apologize for everything.

Michael:
I know, I do that. I'm sorry.

Roger:
[both Roger and Ted are staring at the waiter's ass as he walks away.] He has a nice smile.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Among other attributes.

Roger:
I'm sure he's a fine person.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Rhodes Scholar would be my guess.

Roger:
[laughs] You know, ordinarily, I'd be racking my brain to come up with some pathetic line for when he comes back, like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new?".

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Or, ah... "Do I know you from somewhere? No? Must be in a dream".

Roger:
"So, when did they start hiring models here?".

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
You're worse than I am! You want me to go to the men's room, so you can take a crack at him?

Justin Taylor:
[Justin and Daphne are at the Gay and Lesbian center. Girl hanging artwork starts talking to them] You can tell I'm gay?

Jan:
Well, you're here, aren't you? [to Daphne] I'm heading on down to the diner to get a soda. You wanna come?

Daphne Chanders:
[looks at Justin] Sure.

Justin Taylor:
W-w-what are you doing? She thinks you're a lesbian.

Daphne Chanders:
Well, can't I be one of the cool people too?

Justin Taylor:
You're a freak.

Justin Taylor:
Do you think Brian's gonna come?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
[pausing] Don't expect too much from him, okay?

Justin Taylor:
What's too much?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Anything at all. You'll have lots of relationships, Justin, with lots of interesting people. I know you don't believe that right now, but you will.

Justin Taylor:
I just want him to see his picture framed, that's all.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[Emmett meets David for the first time.] Oh my God. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he smokes pot, naked. [to David] Excuse me!

Dr. David Cameron:
[laughs] He doesn't hold anything back.

Michael:
He was toning it down for you.

Brian:
[sits on Michael's lap] Where the f*** have you been?

Michael:
Brian, this is David.

Brian:
Oh, f*** me, the new beau!

Dr. David Cameron:
I've heard a lot about you.

Brian:
I've heard a lot about you too. Sixteen right, eleven left?

Dr. David Cameron:
Excuse me?

Michael:
Nothing. [to Brian] You're tweaked, what are you on?

Brian:
Oh, E, K, G.H.B. Most of the letters on "Sesame Street".

Michael:
You'll get dehydrated, taking all that sh*t. I'm gonna get you some water. [to David] You want a beer?

Dr. David Cameron:
Sure. [Michael leaves] You've got him well trained.

Brian:
Well, he takes care of me, and I take care of him. So, Doc, do you f*** all of your patients?

Dr. David Cameron:
Well, if you're referring to Michael I released him from my care, before we went out together. What about you? What do you do?

Brian:
Advertising.

Dr. David Cameron:
Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.

Brian:
Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.

Dr. David Cameron:
I bet you could.

Brian:
F*** groups.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
I thought you did.

Brian:
Occasionally. But it's by invitation... only.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[Ted is admiring Roger, who's playing the piano.] He plays beautifully, doesn't he?

Emmett Honeycutt:
I'm all a tingle. So have you two had sex yet?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
No! [whispering] Would you keep your voice down?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Well, when are you?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
When we both know it's the right thing to do.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Sex is never the right thing to do! Feeding the poor is the right thing to do; hiring the handicapped is the right thing to do; donating blood... is the right...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Alright, alright, you made your point.

Michael:
Lindsay, this is David.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Nice to meet you!

Dr. David Cameron:
Nice to meet you!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[carrying Gus, greeting from afar] Whoa, Michael!

Michael:
[freezes] Let's go check out the vagina sculptures first, get it over with.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Everyone loves your drawings!

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Yeah, check out the food?

Justin Taylor:
I'm not hungry.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Okay, how about the cute guys? There are some right over there just about your age. [Justin looks over to the entrance, and he sees the love of his life.]

Justin Taylor:
[smiles] He's here.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[sarcastically] Hmmm... Yippee.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[looking at the boys] "The Brian And Michael Show", blah blah blah. Stuck in perpetual reruns.

Dr. David Cameron:
Was it always like that? Michael running after him?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
It's the greatest love story never told, trust me. What was your name?

Dr. David Cameron:
David.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Melanie. Trust me, David, long after you're gone, he'll still have Michael. Brian's little acolyte, poor guy. But don't worry, Michael can wait forever; Brian will never f*** him. Pardon my French.

Brian:
Aren't I always looking out for you?

Michael:
You're just jealous because somebody finally thinks I'm hot or something.

Brian:
You are hot or something. I've been telling you that since you were fourteen, but you won't believe me. [and then Brian kisses Michael on the lips.]

Dr. David Cameron:
So I suppose I just keep him company while Michael waits.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Oh. Oh... Oh, sh*t! Oh... You're with Michael?

Dr. David Cameron:
[nodding] Yeah.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Ehm... Oh, Jesus, I, I... I'm sorry. I... I... I didn't mean that, I... I mean... Well I... I mean, Brian's the one that's always showing up with some new guy, so I just assumed that, uhm...

Dr. David Cameron:
Don't worry about it.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Well, you know, they... they're... They love each other as friends, but that's it. That's really, that's all it is.

Dr. David Cameron:
Really? It's not like I didn't know.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Do you... want a shrimp ball?

Dr. David Cameron:
No... thanks.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
F***.

Roger:
[Ted and Roger are looking at the picture of a naked man on the wall.] Tremendous energy.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[referring to the penis in the picture] Really comes right out at you. [breathing heavily] Roger..., I think I'm ready.

Roger:
I've promised to play the piano.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
You're just volunteering.

Roger:
You're right, f*** them.

Jennifer Taylor:
So I thought, "Okay, he's having... experiences". But with boys his own age! This... man, he must be in his 30's!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Well, not yet, but I'll be happy to tell him you thought so.

Jennifer Taylor:
Well, it's not right.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
It happens.

Jennifer Taylor:
If his Father finds out... Tell me about him. This... person. I have to know.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Brian Kinney - God's gift to gay P.A. They all want Brian, but the good news is, no one can have him. He screws them, breaks their heart, and they wise up. Most of them, anyway.

Brian:
[to Justin and Daphne] Oh, look, it's the cast of "Zoom".

Daphne Chanders:
We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today.

Justin Taylor:
The one of you... naked.

Michael:
Who'd buy that?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you.

Brian:
Oh, Ted, how thoughtful.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I was rejected by everybody. [Emmett looks unsure] It's good to be back!

Emmett Honeycutt:
[to Ted] Let's get you a cock-tail!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Okay.

[last lines]

Dr. David Cameron:
Who are you thinking about?

Michael:
What?

Dr. David Cameron:
When you close your eyes, who are you thinking about?

Emmett Honeycutt:
I didn't know he could draw.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Oh, he can't. I bought him tracing paper when he was a kid so he could copy his comic books. His Spiderman always ended up looking more like little orphan Annie.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Well, what's his talent?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Well, it's nothing he'd be famous for. You won't ever see his paintings hanging in an art gallery or hear him playing at Carnegie Hall. But when it comes to taking care of people, knowing what you need better even than you do, he's a f***ing Picasso.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Who?

Ted Schmidt:
You.

Emmett Honeycutt:
You, who?

Ted Schmidt:
You, you.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Me, you?

Ted Schmidt:
Yes, you, you.

[Justin and Michael are just having an argument]

Tom Donohue:
Hi. I am ton Donohue from Pittsburgh's Out. I'm doing the article of Rage. Who's Michael and who's Justin?

Justin Taylor:
He's Michael, I'm gone. [leaves]

Debbie Novotny:
Who says love's an easier ride - General Motors? Michael's used to bumps. He grew up with me.

Brian Kinney:
Go kiss some hands. Shake some babies.

Lindsay Peterson:
You know how Melanie likes to watch money.

Melanie Marcus:
. I-I-Is that an anti-Semitic remark?

Debbie Novotny:
Now we've got Britney spears. Tell me the world isn't going to sh*t.

Brian:
How old are you really?

Justin:
Twenty... nineteen... eighteen...

Brian:
Well, what is this, a missile launch?

Justin:
Seventeen.

[first lines]

Michael Novotny:
[voice over narration] The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every twenty eight seconds. Of course, that's straight men. With gay men, it's every nine. You can be at the supermarket or the laundromat or buying a fabulous shirt, when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy, hotter than the one you saw last weekend, or went home with the night before. Which explains why we're all at Babylon at one in the morning, instead of at home in bed. But who wants to be at home in bed, especially alone, when you can be here, knowing that at any moment, you might see him - the most beautiful man whoever lived... That is, until tomorrow night! By the way, that's me. Six-one, Forty six inch chest, sixteen inch biceps, twenty eight inch waist, a veritable God. I wish. Okay, that's me. Michael Novotny, the semi-cute boy-next-door type. Twenty nine, five-ten, one forty, nine and a half cut. Alright, so I exaggerate. But, like, who's told the truth since they invented cybersex?

Emmett Honeycutt:
When did seventy's night become eighty's night?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I remember this song from high school. Talk about feeling ancient.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Speak for yourself, honey. I was a mere child.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[referring to the hot guy who walks by at Babylon] My God..., have you ever seen anything more beautiful.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Venice. At sunset.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Fine. You go down the Grand Canal. I'll go down on him. [jokingly follows after guy]

Michael Novotny:
[voice over narration] Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you gotta admit, these days it takes real guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
The problem with perfection... is its inability to recognize anything less perfect than itself.

Emmett Honeycutt:
In other words, you hit on him and he turned you down.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
...Yeah.

Michael Novotny:
[voice over narration] Ted's this really smart guy, and he's got a really big heart. Only nobody here's interested in the size of that organ.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Why am I wasting my time staring at a bunch of over-pumped princesses with I.Q.'s smaller than their waists...? [Ted froze as a hot guy walked past him] Jesus, look at him!

Michael Novotny:
[voice over narration] Like I said, it's all about sex. 'Except when you're having it. And then it's all about, "Will he stay?", "Will he go?", "How am I doing?", "What am I doing?". Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. And then it's "Who gives a f*** what you think? You're lucky to have me".

Michael Novotny:
Hey, Todd! How's it going?

Todd:
Fine!

Michael Novotny:
[Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.] We need to go. We want to eat.

Brian:
I'm just gonna give him my number.

Michael Novotny:
What'd you do, you write it on your dick? How long is this gonna take?

Brian:
[looking at the face of the guy] Ten minutes. Tops.

Michael Novotny:
That was quick.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Hell, when you've had as much practice as he's had.

Brian:
I got bored.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I know. Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Don't look now but somebody's wat-ching.

Michael Novotny:
Oh, him. He's been cruising me all night.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Hmm... playing hard to get. I love that in a man.

Michael Novotny:
Not playing, just not interested.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Check out that bubble butt. And that basket? Enough in there for the Big Bad Wolf.

Michael Novotny:
Would you quit staring! There's more to a guy than his cock size... Or his perfectly shaped ass.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Which is why you read all those comic books, with those superheroes in their little tights - for the plot.

Michael Novotny:
[voice over narration] And that's when it happened. When he came along.

Brian:
How's it going? Had a busy night?

Justin:
Just eh... Checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy, Meat Hook.

Brian:
The Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?

Justin:
[hesitating] ...Sure.

Brian:
Where're you headed?

Justin:
No place special.

Brian:
I can change that. [both of them got into the jeep.]

Emmett Honeycutt:
Hey! Hey, what about us?

Brian:
You can ride with Ted.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Thanks a lot!

Michael Novotny:
A**hole!

Brian:
Coming in?

Justin:
Huh? Oh, yeah.

Brian:
Shut the door.

Justin:
[Justin hesitates, then shuts the door.] This is a... really nice place. I like your kitchen.

Brian:
Do you like Special K?

Justin:
It's okay. I like Cheerios better.

Brian:
I don't mean the kind you eat with bananas. My disco pharmacologist cooks this up for me.

Justin:
I'm really allergic to a lot of drugs. The doctor gave me penicillin once. Nearly killed me. And Tylenol.

Brian:
Tylenol? No one's allergic to Tylenol. Tylenol's what they give you when you're allergic to everything else.

Brian:
[to Justin] So are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Oh my God, look. He must've followed us.

Michael Novotny:
Christ! That's just what I need.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Honey, it's what we all need. [Michael shakes his head, ready to go into his house. Emmett stopping Michael.] Hey, when was last time you got laid? [Michael opens his mouth, doesn't know how to respond.] My point exactly: if you can't remember, then it's time.

Brian:
So what do you like to do?

Justin:
Do? I don't know. Watch T.V., play "Tomb Raider".

Brian:
[laughing] I meant in bed.

Justin:
Oh. [smiles at Brian] This is fine.

Brian:
Are you a top or a bottom?

Justin:
[hesitantly] ...Top... And bottom.

Brian:
Oh, you're versatile then.

Justin:
And ambidextrous, which was really confusing at first cause I can never figure out which hand to throw with.

Brian:
[nodding] Do you like to rim?

Justin:
Sure. I love it.

Brian:
Great. Go to it. [Justin looks confused, non-responsive] Well?

Justin:
Um... What exactly do you mean?

Brian:
[Justin reaches orgasm while Brian is on the phone with Melanie.] Jesus Christ! I told you not to!

Justin:
I tried! I'm sorry. I tried!

Brian:
All over my new duvet!

Justin:
I tried.

Brian:
[wiping the bed] Thank you very much.

Justin:
It'll wash out, won't it? I mean, you should see my sheets at home.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[Michael is making out with a guy when Emmett walks into them.] Woo! Don't mind me, just eh... can't sleep without my milk and Oreos.

Michael Novotny:
This is my friend Emmett. He's staying with me temporarily since the hooker who lived down the hall from him burnt his apartment building down two years ago.

Trick:
Two years is a long time to be temporary.

Michael Novotny:
And yet it hasn't interfered with my love life... Which I suppose says a lot about my love life.

Brian:
[commenting on missing the birth of his son] Oh, I wish I could have been there. How often do I get to see snatch?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Want to hold him? [Brian approaches the baby, holding him.]

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Ca... Careful! Don't drop him.

Brian:
That is just what I was planning on doing.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus. [Brian looks at his son, then over to Justin.]

Brian:
What do you think?

Justin:
You wouldn't survive a day in school being named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?

Brian:
His name's... Juh...

Michael Novotny:
Justin.

Brian:
You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.

Lesbians In The Room:
Ugh...

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Oh, Brian!

Brian:
He can't help it. He's only seventeen.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.

Brian:
But mine doesn't suck on my tits, unless I want him to. [looking back at Gus] Gus! It's a good butch name. Come on Gus; give your daddy a smile.

Michael Novotny:
It's disgusting, all those lesbians fawning over him and making goo-goo talk.

Brian:
That's what women do over babies.

Michael Novotny:
Who's talking about the baby? I mean Justin. It's kinda weird, you're having a kid. Still, it's exciting, isn't it?

Brian:
What? Having some wrinkled little time clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute, by the second?

Michael Novotny:
Keep thinking like that, you're gonna end up prematurely gray... Oh, I think I see one. [Michael reaches for Brian, pulling off his hair.]

Brian:
Ouch!

Brian:
[On the hospital roof, Brian gets up on the ledge.] There is always one solution. I could end it all now right now.

Michael Novotny:
Oh, that would be dramatic. It's like "E.R.". Birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!

Brian:
Come 'on, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!

Michael Novotny:
Why am I always Lois Lane?

Brian:
Well, here we are. Ma and Pa. [Lindsay starts to cry.] Hey...

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Don't mind me. I'm just feeling a little... vulnerable.

Brian:
I promise not to tell.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Who would have thought? You and me, parents?

Brian:
It's pretty scary, boys and girls. Think it's too late to return it?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
[whispering] We could try... [laughing] I guess this means we're finally grown-ups.

Brian:
Don't say that Wendy! We'll never grow up!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could f*** up, so could we.

Michael Novotny:
[to Justin] Okay Boy Wonder, I'm taking you home.

Brian:
[to Justin] Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. "Do you want to come home with me?". A, yes. B, yes. Or C, yes. Tick, tick, tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do you say?

Brian:
[to Justin] Now you know what rimming is.

Michael Novotny:
He calls me, practically begs me to go with him, knowing full well I'm with someone, for the first time in I don't know how long...

Emmett Honeycutt:
Seven months, two weeks, and three days.

Michael Novotny:
Thank you. And even though the guy wasn't always cracked up to be...

Emmett Honeycutt:
We'll let that remark pass.

Michael Novotny:
At least he wanted me. Me! [sitting down on the couch] God, I'm so horny!

Emmett Honeycutt:
Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video. [running to get the video] It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action.

Michael Novotny:
I can relate to that.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[Emmett hands over the video to Michael.] Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute.

Michael Novotny:
"Schindler's Fist"?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Ah... Here. [handing Michael the remote] I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you're going to have a deep, meaningful relationship. Good night!

Justin:
[Brian and Justin are about to have anal intercourse.] Wait. In school we had this lecture, about safe sex.

Brian:
And now we're going to have a demonstration. [Brian grabs a condom from beside the bed, rips it open with is teeth, and while handing it to Justin.] Put it on me. Go on slip it on my dick.

Brian:
[Brian and Justin are making love in bed.] Now relax, I want you to always remember this, so that no matter who you're ever with, I'll always be there.

Brian:
[Brian stretches his hand over to the other side of the bed to stop the alarm, wakes up, and realizes that Justin is in his bed.] What the f*** are you doing here?

Justin:
You said I could stay.

Brian:
Right. Your parents. They think you're at a friend's. [rising to sit on the bed, noticing the mess in the loft] Jesus Christ! What the hell happened? [Justin laughs.] Don't tell me. I was doing handstands.

Justin:
And juggling. You're not very good.

Brian:
Sh*t! Why do I do these things? [Justin tries to answer.] I'll tell you why. Was that f***ing pig Anita. She told me that was E. That wasn't E, that was some sh*t they cooked up in a bathtub in Tijuana.

Justin:
That's why you should never take drugs that aren't prescribed by a physician or recommended by a reliable pharmacist.

Brian:
[laughing] What are you, a public service announcement?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[on answering machine tape] Where the hell are you? I've been trying your cell. It's turned off. If you're there, pick up. Brian. Listen, Lindsay's water broke. She's having contractions. We're at the hospital.

Brian:
[quick-pan to Brian as he stands bolt-upright.] F***! I have a baby.

Justin:
[in the bathroom] Ouch!

Brian:
Two babies.

Justin:
[talking about Lindsay] Did you actually f*** her?

Brian:
Who?

Justin:
Lindsay.

Brian:
You're awfully rude.

Justin:
Well, did you?

Brian:
I jerked off into a cup, and they squirted it up her.

Justin:
Gross. She must have really wanted a kid.

Brian:
Most women do.

Justin:
Even lesbians?

Brian:
Lesbians are women... Sort of.

Brian:
[to Justin] Don't get smart, or I'll have to spank you.

Michael Novotny:
[Michael walks into Brian and Justin, kissing.] Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?

Brian:
There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.

Brian:
[surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh, that's beautiful, Mikey. Just beautiful.

Michael Novotny:
It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.

Brian:
What? A couple of twelve-year-olds?

Michael Novotny:
They start early these days! [looking at Justin] What are you laughing at?

Justin:
Nothing... You. You sound like my parents fighting.

Brian:
[everyone at Justin's school is staring at Brian's jeep with the word 'f*ggot' on it.] Here we are, sonny boy.

Michael Novotny:
Be sure to come home right after school.

Brian:
No lingering on the playground or the locker room with the gym teacher.

Michael Novotny:
Oh, you did not tell him about that!

Brian:
It's the most famous shower scene since "Psycho".

Justin's Schoolmate:
[passing by, screaming at Justin] Hey, Justin..., you wanna suck me off?

Brian:
No. [getting down from his jeep] But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!

Daphne Chanders:
Where have you been? Your mom called. I didn't know what to tell her. I said you were still asleep.

Justin:
I just saw the face of God.

Daphne Chanders:
Huh?

Justin:
His name is Brian Kinney.

[last lines]

Brian:
Well, I say, f*** them. They can write it in neon across the sky. F*ggot!

Brian:
Kids grrrrreat!

Justin:
Guess what I was doing last night?

Daphne:
Sleeping? Same as me?

Justin:
Having sex. All night. With that guy I met, Brian Kinney. We did it till six in the morning. [pausing] Well? Aren't you shocked?

Daphne:
Not Really.

Justin:
[disappointed] Oh.

Daphne:
Well, I kinda figured that you were... you know... Even though you never told me.

Justin:
I'm telling you now!

Daphne:
Want some of my veggie wrap? [Justin takes the food, eating it] So, what was it like?

Justin:
Well, I started out as a tight end, but wound up a wide receiver.

[first lines]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[on the phone] Brian Kinney, a father.

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[on the phone] Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] Would you give the guy a break?

Emmett Honeycutt:
[on the phone] Couldn't be any worse than my Daddy was.

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] Or mine. Not that I remember him.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[on the phone] So what's next? PTA Parent, Little League coach, Scout master?

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] They don't allow queers into the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[on the phone] I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[on the phone] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[on the phone] Who, Brian?

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] No, the baby. Imagine, he's only been in the world an hour and already he's pulling his pud.

Michael Novotny:
[voice over narration] Remember that story we all read in high school? You know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato or whoever? All they could see were shadows on a wall. So, after a while, they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone who he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there. That they're only ... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room?

Brian Kinney:
: [pitching his ad campaign] The difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer says...sex. Not Clydesdales. If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get... laid... this is what you drink.

Justin:
There I was, on my back, and there he was on top of me, slipping it in.

Daphne:
That must have hurt. Didn't it hurt?

Justin:
At first it felt like someone was shoving a broom up there. But, I told him to go slower and he did. Then I stopped thinking about it when I looked at his face. His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, in a sort of smile. Like he was in another place. A beautiful place. That place was me. And his body... God! Like his body was so amazing! I could see every muscle. He said he wanted to stay inside of me forever, and I wanted him to. I still feel him, like he's still there. Christ! Daphne, everybody talks about having sex. But I really did it!

Brian Kinney:
I had to piss during that whole pitch. Didn't think I could hold it.

Cute Client:
[cute client grins] Your presentation was very impressive.

Brian Kinney:
[looks over] Think so? [eyes drop]

Cute Client:
[grinning] Yeah, it was very impressive.

Brian Kinney:
Well I'm glad you liked it. Because that's what we're here for. To please the client.

Justin:
[to his little sister Molly] Would you get the f*** away!

Molly Taylor:
[to their Mother] He said f***.

Justin:
I'll say a lot worse if you don't leave me alone.

Michael Novotny:
It was a trap!

Emmett Honeycutt:
Hey! See that number in the red shorts?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I can work out for a hundred years and never look like that.

Michael Novotny:
Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Shawn Peters, went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
And?

Michael Novotny:
...And I fell for it!

Emmett Honeycutt:
Turns out, he's a big, nelly bottom! [laughing]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I could've told you that!

Emmett Honeycutt:
Ugh! It's so discouraging. Are there no real man left?

Michael Novotny:
Now they're expecting me to meet them?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Steroid city?

Michael Novotny:
No! In a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?

Emmett Honeycutt:
[speaking really fast] There's this new girl at work who's interested in you, Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her, and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect. [changing topic] Check out Mr. Peck-Deck. [back to Michael] So what if they do?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
They could fire him?

Michael Novotny:
Or I can end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life.

Emmett Honeycutt:
And... the solution is to pretend you like p*ssy?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[sigh] Look, he's not like you, okay?

Emmett Honeycutt:
What is that supposed to mean?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Are you accusing me of being obvious?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
If the 'f***-me' pump fits...

Emmett Honeycutt:
Ah... [putting down his barbells] Well... I could be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know... [Michael stops doing his routine, raises his eyebrows, looking at Emmett] ...just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, never use words like, like "fabulous" or "divine". Talk about... I don't know, [deepening his voice] nailing b*tches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright! Than be some puny little pilot light.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
And a fabulous flame it is.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Thank you.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Yeah, but Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy. [reassuring Michael] You do what you have to do.

Michael Novotny:
I better go change.

Emmett Honeycutt:
For your big date? Here's a Sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.

Jennifer Taylor:
Of all the beautiful clothes your father and I bought for you, you have to pick something that no longer fits. That is too tight.

Justin:
That's why!

Michael Novotny:
We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get into a tight spot, you could come and rescue me.

Brian Kinney:
Tight spot? How about "butt-plug"?

Michael Novotny:
"Butt-plug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.

Brian Kinney:
Because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them.

Michael Novotny:
I couldn't help it!

Brian Kinney:
Or you could've told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little f*ggot. You should've just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it!".

Michael Novotny:
Right, right. By the way, I noticed you got the jeep repainted. [They have finally reached the bar.] God this place is like "Breeders' Central". Butt-plug, butt-plug, butt-plug, butt...

Brian Kinney:
[pushing Michael down the jeep] See ya, Mikey.

Tracy:
[Michael is in a bar with Tracy and a few other straight colleagues, when Tracy starts to talk about plumbing.] Like, can you believe he... he didn't even know how to fix a sink.

Michael Novotny:
Really?

Tracy:
He called me at work, saying, "What should I do?"... I said, "I don't care what you do. Buy some cement, get a cork, use chewing gum, but plug it up!". [Everyone's laughing...]

Michael Novotny:
Butt-plug... [laughing] Butt-plug! [laughing again]

Brian Kinney:
A million dollars?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
That's the general idea.

Brian Kinney:
A million f***ing dollars?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Brian, please? You'll wake the baby.

Brian Kinney:
Well the answer is no. Definitely not.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
I don't understand the problem. I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
It was very generous.

Brian Kinney:
Well that's different than a life insurance policy.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
It's simply in case something happens to you.

Brian Kinney:
Like I'm decapitated on a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grisly deaths you've conjured up for me.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Like in case you get sick.

Brian Kinney:
[pausing] ...Ah. Even better.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Considering your life. When's the last time you're tested.

Brian Kinney:
Six months ago! I was negative.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
That's twenty-six weeks and a hundred and eighty-two one-night stands.

Brian Kinney:
You know I've always admired people who can multiply in their heads. And I'm always careful.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.

Brian Kinney:
And all I have to do is die.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Hopefully, not before you sign these papers. [smug-smiling at Brian]

Tracy:
You've got to believe, right Mike?

Michael Novotny:
Like Cher!

Michael Novotny:
[answering his cell phone] Hello, sports fans!

Brian Kinney:
[on the phone] I'm coming to get you.

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] It's okay. I'm having a really good time. She's really nice.

Brian Kinney:
[on the phone] She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] They're not like that.

Brian Kinney:
[on the phone] Not like that, huh? Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?

Michael Novotny:
[on the phone] Yeah, I'm listening.

Brian Kinney:
[on the phone] There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: The ones that hate you to your face... and the ones that hate you behind your back. Now, get the f*** out of there... because I need you.

Justin:
Hi!

Brian Kinney:
Oh sh*t! Just what I need. What's his name?

Michael Novotny:
Justin! His name's Justin. If I can remember, and I didn't even f*** him, why can't you?

Brian Kinney:
Because I did? [Brian approaches Justin, standing beside him.] So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?

Emmett Honeycutt:
You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one f***ing fabulous black woman.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
How bout another round on me?

Brian Kinney:
I got a better idea. Lets move on.

Michael Novotny:
What's wrong with here?

Brian Kinney:
I've had everyone here.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
My problem precisely.

Michael Novotny:
You haven't had me.

Brian Kinney:
[smiles] Oh, yeah?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
What? You never told us.

Michael Novotny:
There is nothing to tell.

Brian Kinney:
We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... without his shirt on. So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.

Michael Novotny:
Okay, you can stop now.

Brian Kinney:
[laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over, start rubbing it. He's practically swooning. [drops voice] I pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.

Justin:
They always do. Did she see you?

Brian Kinney:
I don't see how she could have missed it.

Michael Novotny:
Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.

Justin:
"Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.

Brian Kinney:
What?

Justin:
I said that's a really old movie.

Brian Kinney:
It's not that old.

Justin:
How old are you?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Ugh-oh.

Brian Kinney:
How old do you think I am?

Justin:
Thirty-three? [Everyone laughs.]

Brian Kinney:
F*** you.

Michael Novotny:
He's twenty-nine.

Brian Kinney:
And f*** you too! What did you tell him for?

Michael Novotny:
Fair's fair.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
And we all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be thirty. Might as well be dead?

Brian Kinney:
Well, you ought to know. You already are.

Michael Novotny:
Can we order?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Shoot! I bet that'll be the first time tonight, am I right? [laughs]

Michael Novotny:
Ha-ha... I'll have the chicken-fried steak. No remarks. And he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Please?

Michael Novotny:
Please.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[to Justin] Gotta keep your strength up sunshine. You can't cruise all night on an empty stomach [walking away]

Justin:
What a freak!

Michael Novotny:
Yeah, she takes some getting used to. But once you do, you can't help but love her.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
One chicken-fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash.

Michael Novotny:
Thanks, Mom.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
You're welcome, baby.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
So you going out cruising after you drop me off?

Michael Novotny:
No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Sounds hot!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
It's a miracle you're still alive.

Vic Grassi:
It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Hustle? [they both laugh]

Brian Kinney:
Patrick Swayze is so hot... We'll have to do something about that.

Brian Kinney:
[looking at himself in the mirror] I'd f*** you!

Brian Kinney:
Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk... Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.

[last lines]

Brian Kinney:
Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in f***ing. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure, and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. Then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married.

Justin:
That's not what I want. I want you.

Brian Kinney:
You can't have me. I'm too old... You're too young for me. You're seventeen, I'm twenty-eight.

Justin:
You're twenty-nine.

Brian Kinney:
Alright, twenty-nine. All the more reason. Now go do your homework.

Michael Novotny:
Yeah, well, the thing you gotta know about Brian is... he's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.

Justin:
Yeah, well... You weren't there when we were doing it. You don't know the things we did. How he kissed me. You don't know anything.

Michael Novotny:
I know this: Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself. If I were you I'd just forget about him.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[to Michael about Patrick Swayze] Don't tell me you still have a crush on him?

[as they are driving back to Brian's loft from the hospital... ]

Michael Charles Novotny:
Brian, what did you take?

Brian:
A, B, C, D, *E, E, E.*

Brian:
[Lindsey has just given birth to Brian's son, Gus] Alone at last! [jumps on the hospital bed]

Lindsay:
Careful!

Brian:
Well here we are, maw and paw. [Lindsay starts crying]

Brian:
Hey! [strokes her cheek]

Lindsay:
Don't mind me, just feeling a little vulnerable.

Brian:
I promise not to tell.

Lindsay:
Who woulda thought, you and me, parents!

Brian:
It's pretty scary, boys and girls. You think it's too late to return it?

Lindsay:
We could try! [they laugh] I guess this means we're finally grownups.

Brian:
Don't say that, Wendy, we'll never grow up!

Lindsay:
Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could f*** up, so can we!

Brian:
I don't want you to worry. About money, I mean. If you need anything...

Lindsay:
No, we'll be alright. But thanks. [kisses his cheek]

Brian:
I would have f***ed you, ya know. If I wasn't afraid your lover'd beat the sh*t out of me.

Lindsay:
Stop!

Brian:
I mean it. She could take on Oscar de la Renta!

Lindsay:
You mean La Hoya. [she mock-punches his jaw]

Brian:
Whatever.

Lindsay:
Well, you had plenty of chances.

Brian:
I took advantage of a few, if I recall.

Lindsay:
It wasn't half bad!

Brian:
Now you tell me? You mean I could have been straight this whole time?

Lindsay:
I wouldn't say that!

Brian:
I guess it's just as well. [they kiss]

Brian:
I happen to be very kind. Very loving. Hey Zack, how's it going?

Zack:
Not bad.

Brian:
How's Peter?

Zack:
Still dead.

Brian:
[to Michael] Oh sh*t. I forgot.

Michael Novotny:
Well, if anyone has any doubts about how kind and loving you are that should convince them.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Are you in pain?

Vic Grassi:
Yeah.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Where? Tell me.

Vic Grassi:
My wallet. [hands her a paper]

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Holy sh*t!

Michael Novotny:
What is it?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
It's the MasterCard bill from our trip to Italy.

Vic Grassi:
First class airline tickets. The Excelsior in Rome. The diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. They're all there. The problem is, so am I.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Don't say that! It's a miracle you're still alive.

Vic Grassi:
It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Hustle?

[They both laugh]

Mr. Goodfuk:
I don't mind a threesome. Although he's kind of young.

Brian:
He's also kind of leaving.

Justin:
Who's he?

Brian:
Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.

Mr. Goodfuk:
Name is George.

Brian:
Sorry. George... Goodfuk.

Justin:
You don't even know him.

Brian:
Well, I was hoping to get to. Now why don't you just scamper on home.

[Justin leaves]

Brian:
He's my stalker.

Mr. Goodfuk:
That wasn't very kind. What, sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night.

Brian:
Who are you, Father Goodfuk?

Ted:
...Listen, I know there's a part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved...

Michael:
What are you talking about?

Ted:
Le-let me finish... so we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna love us. And we fantasize about the day when all of the sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing, and all our dreams come true. Only, you know, that day never comes and before you know it, it's your 40th birthday, it's your 50th birthday and... and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you Michael. Love someone for real. Someone who loves you.

[first lines]

Brian Kinney:
Hey, see that guy? [points to an old man] He just turned thirty. That's what you're gonna look like in a couple of days, Mikey.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Oh, don't listen to him. You look like you're ten.

Brian Kinney:
Yeah, but this strange thing happens on your thirtieth. You look great the night before, but then you wake up the next morning and your ass is down to there, and your dick disappears.

Ted:
Well, I'm thirty three, what does that make me!

Brian Kinney:
Did you guys just hear something, like a voice from the dead?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Why did I eat those god damn pancakes? [burps] They're repeating more than "I Love Lucy".

Emmett Honeycutt:
[to Ted] I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off.

Debbie Novotny:
[after Michael has broken up with his chiropractor boyfriend] I just lost a potential son-in-law.

Michael:
All you lost was free treatment for osteoporosis.

Michael:
[to Debbie] Mom, David and I have nothing in common... except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one.

Dr. David Cameron:
[answering the phone] Hello...? Hello...? Michael, I have caller I.D.

Michael:
I must have pushed the wrong button.

Ted:
[after getting the results from his A.I.D.S. test] I'm negative... I'm negative.

Melanie Marcus:
That's okay. Happy people can be really annoying.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[to Ted] I am so scared.

Michael:
[at his surprise party] Who are all these people?

Brian Kinney:
Well, if I invited just your friends, there'd be like six people here. I had to open it up to sex partners.

Michael:
I haven't slept with any of these people.

Brian Kinney:
My sex partners.

Brian Kinney:
Don't go yet, Mikey. You haven't even had your cake.

Michael:
F*** off.

Melanie Marcus:
[to Brian] Is there anyone here tonight that hasn't been f***ed by Brian Kinney, one way or another?

[last lines]

Ted:
He's cute. If you don't want him, I'll take him.

Emmett Honeycutt:
You can have him. I made a promise to God.

Ted:
A promise to God? What promise to God?

Emmett Honeycutt:
I prayed, and I told God that if I were negative, I would never have sex with another man. And I'm negative. So I can never touch a man again.

Michael:
[Talking about Justin] What is he doin' here?

Debbie Novotny:
Isn't he adorable? The customers love him. His ass gets more compliments than the burgers.

Ted:
At least his buns are fresh.

Debbie Novotny:
Michael Charles Novotny!

Vic Grassi:
Oh, oh! Middle name! Look out!

Debbie Novotny:
Do listen to me and listen carefully! Do not f*ck this up. Now, I want you to call David right now, and apologize for whatever it is that you did.

Michael:
What makes you think I did anything!

Debbie Novotny:
I'm your mother!

Melanie Marcus:
I feel like she's shutting me out. I just die how long I can take it.

Ted:
Look, I don't wanna hear this.

Melanie Marcus:
Why can't I share?

Ted:
Because the minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the beginning of the end. Find a shrink!

Melanie Marcus:
I've been in therapy for six years.

Ted:
Are you covered by insurance?

Melanie Marcus:
Yep.

Ted:
Great! Then have a breakdown. You can afford it.

Vic Grassi:
Listen, why are you so interested in me all of a sudden?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Oh, I was just wondering.

Vic Grassi:
Bullshit. You boys never talk to anyone over forty unless you have to.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I think I have it.

Vic Grassi:
'It' doesn't mean what it used to, you know?

Emmett Honeycutt:
That's what they say. People still

Vic Grassi:
die. All the time. But they die from other things, too. You can't think about that.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I just can't believe this is happening to me. I mean I'm not promiscuous.

Vic Grassi:
Let me tell you about promiscuous. Promiscuous is anyone having more sex than you.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I thought I was been safe, careful

Vic Grassi:
Sex isn't careful. And if it is, you're doing it wrong. It's messy. And it's human. And it's mixed up with other things. It's a genie that won't stay in the bottle. Listen, Emmett, if you think you made a mistake, move on. And accept it like a man.

Michael:
So why punish him by not going?

Brian:
Look, it's not if he's gonna know I'm not there.

Michael:
Can't be sure. I read some place...

Brian:
Where? Marvel Comics?

Michael:
...that infants respond to things even while still in the womb. For instance, tension and discord affect them adversely, while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes 'em super smart.

Brian:
Well how do you think listening to the sound of two dikes go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him? Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight.

Michael:
All the more reason why he needs his dad!

[first lines]

Michael:
[Voice over narration] About a week, after their baby was born... Thanks in part to the invaluable contribution of Brian Kinney... Lindsay and Melanie had a party. They invited a heard of their nearest and dearest lesbians, assorted relatives and us, the friends of the Father to their house. It was really nice. The smell of bread baking, and fresh flowers everywhere you looked. Not like going to my friends' places, with the smell of dirty laundry, and stacks of porn tapes everywhere you look.

Michael:
[voiceover narration] Seeing them in their beautiful home with their new baby and their arms around each other, I wished for a moment that I, too, could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat p*ssy, so I said forget it.

Michael:
[voiceover narration] Still being there that day, I realized how different men and women are, and I don't think it has anything to do with being gay or straight. It's that, the way I see it, women know how to commit to each other; men don't. At least not the men I know! But I'm jumping ahead. Let's go back an hour.

Brian:
I told you. I'm not going to the muncher's brunch. And that's final!

Michael:
Look, it's not for them. It's for you son.

Brian:
My son? He's only my son when they want my money.

Michael:
[talking to Brian in the steam room] Well, I was just about to say, I think you should rise to the occasion you know, we... bigger than they are. That is if you can take you hand and your mind off your dick long enough.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Isn't he gorgeous? His name is Katsuo.

Katsuo:
[holding a glass of juice in his hand] Jews?

Emmett Honeycutt:
No, no, no. [pointing at the Jewish people at the brisk] Jews. [pointing at the glass] Juice. Okay? [Emmett turns to Michael.] He gives "Pacific Rim", a whole new meaning.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Where did you find him?

Emmett Honeycutt:
He found me. I was having drinks in the losers lounge. He comes over, starts chattering away. Only he doesn't speak any English and the only Japanese I know is "Sony" and "Toyota".

Michael:
So how do you communicate with him?

Emmett Honeycutt:
There's other ways than talking.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.

Katsuo:
[Katsuo talks away in Japanese.] Kane. Kane.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come, come. [guiding him to Melanie]

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[talking to someone on camera] Ha-ha... Okay, have a bagel.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Mel. Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great! Look, we need you to translate. [to Katsuo] Talk to Melanie. Melanie speak all Axis Powers. [Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.]

Michael:
He keeps saying "Kane".

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Yeah... [pulling Michael away from Katsuo] "Kane" is money! He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.

Michael:
For what?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
He's a God damned male prostitute!

Michael:
Oh, sh*t!

Katsuo:
[Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.] Kane!

Emmett Honeycutt:
Come, come, sweetie.

Michael:
Melanie says, "Kane" means... [long pause] ..."love". He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze.

Emmett Honeycutt:
That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
This is Rabbi Protesh. He'll be doing the brisk.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Oh, I love pot roast. [Rabbi Protesh laughs.]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
That's "brisket"! I believe in the Jewish faith the "brisk" is a circumcision ceremony.

Michael:
Where's Brian?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Looking after the only dick that matters. - His own.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
What the hell do you think you're doing? Barging in here, interrupting a religious ceremony?

Brian:
You should have asked my permission first!

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
For what?

Brian:
To circumcise my son!

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
We don't have to ask your permission. We're the parents!

Brian:
And I'm the biological father. And that gives me more rights than you.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
I see someone's been studying his law.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Look, this is no time to be having this conversation! We have a house full of guests.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Yeah, and since when did you start caring about your son? Considering you haven't been to see him once since he was born.

Brian:
Well, I'm not exactly welcome.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Oh, bull sh*t! You've been too busy f***ing everything that moves!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Could we please stop this? Why does it matter to you if Gus is circumcised?

Brian:
It matters that he's been in this world less than a week and already there are people who won't accept him for the way he is. Who'd even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is. The way he was born. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.

Brian:
Deb, can we get some service?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Keep your pants on, at least until you've had dinner.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I've always said there're only two reasons to be friends with lesbians: They'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is that you haven't met the right woman, and ah... they know how to change a flat.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Okay, boys, what'll it be?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Nothing for me, thanks.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Em, honey, you should try to eat some of your protein off a plate!

Emmett Honeycutt:
I read, that, that for every thirty pounds you lose, you gain an entire inch of cock.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
So, if you just dropped another ninety pounds, you'll have a four-inched pecker!

Michael:
...I know that guy. He works out in our gym. Ah... Blake! I think he likes you.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Oh, yeah, how can you tell?

Michael:
Because he's looking back.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Probably just stretching his neck.

Michael:
Will you listen to you?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
What?

Michael:
Always putting yourself down!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Well, better me than them. I'm gentler.

Michael:
Doesn't sound like it. You know, it is possible that someone can actually like you, you know.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Yeah, it's possible. However, I'm sure a statistical analysis would reveal that the probability of a guy named "Blake" who looks like that, actually liking a guy named "Ted", who looks like me to be in the... point zero five percentile. In other words, practically zip. Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.

Michael:
How do you know that?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Because Brian's everybody's type. Which explains why he's had everybody.

Michael:
Wha...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I know, I know. Except for you. Which is kind of weird when you think about it.

Michael:
Weird? He's my best friend!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
So?

Michael:
So, everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Oh, right! Sex is something you only have with complete strangers, yeah. People you will never see again - unless you just bump into him on the street. But never with someone you might actually give a sh*t about. [pause] Who made us these crazy rules, anyway, huh?

Michael:
Beats me. Let's go have a drink.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Or two or three.

Daphne Chanders:
Oh, my God. Look at that! Is that a girl, or a boy?

Justin Taylor:
Don't point! No matter what you see. Guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls...

Daphne Chanders:
Well, what if I see a guy and a girl kissing huh? That'd be something different down here.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
[Melanie and Lindsay walk in, Melanie's pissed.] Should I freeze this or toss it? [Melanie slams the dish on the counter, then storms to the dining room.] I'd rather not have it around when i'm trying to get back into shape... [Lindsay walks into the dining room.] So how long is this gonna go on? Or do you plan never to speak to me ever again?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[slams dish] What would you like me to say?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Anything.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
All right, how about "I have a house full of uneaten cold cuts and an uncircumcised son"! How's that? [picks up some plates and storms to the kitchen]

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
[sips some orange juice] Look, [follows Melanie into the kitchen] Brian's gonna take out the insurance policy. At least he's agreed to do that. That's something, isn't it?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Oh, my consolation prize!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Well, it was important enough to you last week!

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
So was this afternoon. But now I have been humiliated in front of our friends, my relatives, Rabbi Protesh... Where's the goddamn plastic wrap? [Lindsay hands it to her, Melanie snatches out of Lindsay's hand.] And you let him do it!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Me?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
You're the one who decided to call off the brisk. Of course, I know it's not very important to you or Brian but it happens to be a very important ritual in my family.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
You know there are a lot of men who think circumcision is a cruel and barbaric practice?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
[slams the refrigerator shut] I don't care what men think about their d*cks! I care that you put Brian before me. But, you know, why should I be surprised? You always have!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Oh, for Christ's sake, are we really gonna go through this again? I don't want to have this conversation!

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
Yeah, and I didn't want Brian to be the baby's father in the first place. But no, you had to have it your way. It had to be Brian or no one! So now he's a part of our lives forever! Whether we like it or not!

Michael:
[Justin and Daphne walk into Woody's.] Double sh*t!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
What now?

Michael:
It's him, our teen stalker! Christ, why won't be just go away?

Justin Taylor:
[to Debbie] Remember me?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Turn around. I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.

Justin Taylor:
You know, I'm actually looking for a friend of Michael's. His name is Brian.

Vic Grassi:
I could have guessed that.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Honey, everybody's looking for Brian.

Justin Taylor:
Have you seen him? [Deb points to Brian]

Daphne Chanders:
That's Brian? God, he's so old! And skinny. You can do way better than that.

Justin Taylor:
Would you shut up?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[Deb and Vic are watching Brian, who has his eyes on a trick over at the bar.] Five bucks he nails him before midnight.

Vic Grassi:
You're on.

Michael:
I'm not baby-sitting him again. This time he's all yours!

Brian:
What?

Michael:
He's over there talking to my mother, you little prick!

Brian:
Leave him alone. He's alright.

Michael:
... Excuse me? The noise is so loud in here, I thought I heard you said he's alright.

Brian:
In fact, it's kind of sweet.

Michael:
Sweet? I thought we got rid of him. I thought he was out of our lives.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
[talking about Brian] What's eating him? Or isn't? [she laughs]

Michael:
None of your business.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
You watch your mouth.

Michael:
Why do you have to come here?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Well, Vic was feeling better, so we thought we'd come here after my shift and have a drink. What's the big deal?

Michael:
The big deal is that I came here to hang out with my friends, not my mother.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Sweetie, you know I approve of your lifestyle.

Michael:
Well maybe I don't want you to approve. Maybe I want you to go home and cry.

Michael:
What the f*** did you do that for? You practically got us engaged!

Brian:
Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy too.

Michael:
Sh*t!

Emmett Honeycutt:
Time to organize a search party.

Michael:
Who's missing?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Katsuo! I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder? Anyway, I turned around, and he was gone.

Michael:
I have a feeling he'll be alright.

Emmett Honeycutt:
He doesn't speak a word of English! And... and he's so sweet, so innocent. What if some hot, hungry queen tries to have his way with it?

Brian:
I thought you already did.

Michael:
He's around somewhere. Im sure you'll find him.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Thanks.

Brian:
[to Michael] Target sighted. All systems go. See you later, Mikey.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[talking to a trick] Hey, how're you doing? ... Good, glad to hear it. [talking to another trick] Hey, how's it going? ... Ah, yeah, no complains, thanks. Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?

Michael:
Yeah, I'll take a beer.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[shocked, turning back to the source of voice] Oh, it's you.

Michael:
Oh, f*** you! [smiling like a crazy person]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
What are you on?

Michael:
Nothing. A little Brian's mix. Any luck?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Oh, I'm headed for an all-time season record: Eight straight, actually make that not so straight no hitters.

Michael:
Blake just winked at you.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
He's got some crystal-meth in his eye.

Michael:
He did it again! I told you, he likes you. Why don't you just go and ask him to dance?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
'Cause he'll just say, "Come back when you get a hair transplant or some liposuction".

Michael:
You do not need a hair transplant or liposuction. Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you, except maybe yourself.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[to Mel on the phone] How do you say "tacky little cocksucker" in Japanese?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Look, it doesn't matter who's right. We can't allow Brian to come between us as much as he'd like to.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
And you know he would.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Even if he is the Father, we're still the parents. You and me. Gus belongs to us. And that's why we had him.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus:
No, you had him. Aside from saying 'push and breathe' I really don't have that much to do with it.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
You had everything to do with it. I never would have had him without you. Just remember that next time you're wondering who comes first.

Emmett Honeycutt:
The worst part is not that he's unfaithful, or even a slut. I mean, nobody's perfect. It's that he said he loved me. I mean, he lied to me!

Brian:
How could he lie to you? He doesn't speak English!

Michael:
Look, I'm the one who told you that. I'm sorry.

Emmett Honeycutt:
My own fault. Why do I always give my heart away to trash, huh?

Brian:
Because you want to see it in the dumpster?

[last lines]

Blake Wyzecki:
Oh, God. Stop! Oh, my God. Stop. Stop. Ted. Oh, my God. Ted!

Emmett:
What... I can be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know... just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, *never* use words like, like 'fabulous' or 'divine'. Talk about... I don't know, [deepens his voice] nailing b*tches and RBI's. But I rather my flame burn bright! Than some puny little pilot light.

Arnold:
Does anybody got any, uh, smelling salts?

Michael:
How about poppers?

Brian Kinney:
Give me a minute between rounds, then you can have a go at me.

Debbie:
Article 14 of the Supermom handbook, says no kicking a**holes when they're down, they'd take away my halo.

Brian Kinney:
I'm not an a**hole, I'm just drawn that way.

Debbie:
I'm sorry to disagree with you, kiddo, but this time the likeness is accurate.

Brian Kinney:
I thought you weren't going to beat me up?

Debbie:
Let me finish. But I understand, because you're jealous.

Brian Kinney:
I don't do jealous. Jealous is for lesbians.

Debbie:
Well, then you'd better start liking p*ssy, because you're gor a little green eyed monster inside you that is eating your gut.

Brian Kinney:
You mean that's not the coffee?

Debbie:
I figure you'd have some smart ass remark and deny your feelings as always, but you don't fool me. Because if you didn't love them as much as you do, you wouldn't give a sh*t that they're spending time together and sharing something you're not a part of. What you don't get is, they feel the same way about you, even more so. They worship the ground you walk on, or can't you see it? You're their f***ing hero. At least you were.

[Ted at Emmett's flannel going away party for Michael]

Ted:
Flannel. Isn't that Lesbian lingerie?

Hotlanta:
[about Justin's Jambalaya] Mmm... It's not bad. But you know what you need is an itsy-bitsy pinch of cayenne pepper. That's what'll give it that extra-special kick.

Brian:
He's gonna get an extra-special kick, later. Now, you can either stand around here eating Jambalaya, or you can come upstairs and eat my *ass*!

[first lines]

Michael Novotny:
Style color, not color style.

Michael Novotny:
[the group is discussing Brian's accident.] You don't want any more weirdoes ramming into you.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Never heard him complain about that before.

Justin Taylor:
So my dad was kicking him and beating him. Then I jumped on his back and pulled him off and then I started punching him.

Emmett Honeycutt:
And don't forget how you single-handedly fought off the attack dogs.

Justin Taylor:
It's not his fault. I'm not a child. I'm turning eighteen soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Hopefully, not on the same day.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Maybe so. But as far as your parents are concerned, you're still their sweet, innocent, little boy. They're not ready to think of you sucking cock and taking it up the ass.

Michael Novotny:
Ma, do you have to be so graphic?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Michael, I'm making a point. Would you please note interrupt when I'm talking. So, what was I talking about?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Something about...

Michael Novotny:
Sucking cock...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
And taking it up the ass.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Right.

Justin Taylor:
Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
Thank you, Doogie Howser.

Brian:
How do I look?

Justin Taylor:
Great... You always look great.

Brian:
[about Justin] He's not my responsibility.

Jennifer Taylor:
Oh, yeah, he is. You seduced him, you f***ed him, so now he's yours. Just kindly see that he takes his allergy medicine, and does his homework and gets to school on time. And... And tell him that we love him.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
[to Michael] I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.

Brian:
What are you doing?

Justin Taylor:
Huh?

Brian:
What are you doing!

Justin Taylor:
Uh, listening to Moby. It's really hot. So... What's up?

Brian:
What's up is that you left my door unlocked. What's up is this is not a hotel room, and you are not on your "Blonde Ambition Tour". What's up is that your Mother paid me a little visit today. Finally, what's up is you're gonna take off my shirt and clean up your sh*t.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
If I have to watch Martha Stewart make one more goddamn thing out of goat cheese, I'm going to kill myself.

Vic Grassi:
A.M.C. has a Joan Crawford festival all week.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Nobody's that gay.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Hi, honey. What are you doing here?

Michael Novotny:
Uncle Vic asked me to bring some rope to tie you down.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Kinky.

Brian:
[to Craig Taylor] So in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is... what he thinks... and how he feels.

Craig Taylor:
No one asked for your opinion, Pal.

Brian:
Well, that's not love. That's hate.

Craig Taylor:
Get the f*** out of my house.

Brian:
Justin, you coming?

Brian:
[to Michael] It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own.

[last lines]

Brian:
So... What's for dinner?

Justin Taylor:
Jambalaya. From last night.

Brian:
It's not bad.

Justin Taylor:
It's always better the second day.

Justin:
The Pink Posse. We're protecting Liberty Avenue from homophobes. In case you weren't aware, there was a bashing.

Jennifer Taylor:
I'm perfectly aware! I'm also aware that you were bashed!

Justin:
All the more reason!

Jennifer Taylor:
To put yourself at risk? Haven't you been through enough?

Justin:
[yells] Don't f***ing tell me what to do!

Brian:
Hey, take it easy, Timberlake!

Justin:
Hey.

Jennifer Taylor:
Christ! What did you do to your hair?

Justin:
It's called a haircut, Mother!

Michael:
What are you doing reading comic books?

Hunter:
Duh! I'm in a f***ing comic book store!

Michael:
Well, you should be doing your homework! And watch your mouth! [pauses for a moment] Holy sh*t!

Hunter:
What? What's the matter?

Michael:
Did you hear me? I sounded just like my mother!

[Melanie is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test]

Lindsay:
[standing outside the bathroom] You're not supposed to test everytime you tinkle!

Melanie:
Says who?

Lindsay:
[laughing] You have to let Mother Nature take her course in her own sweet time!

Melanie:
[poking her head out of the bathroom] Easy for her to say! She's already a mother!

Vic:
I thought I'd make a turducken.

Michael:
A what?

Vic:
Turducken. You take chicken, you stuff it up a duck, then stuff that up a turkey.

Debbie:
Kind of like a three-way, but with poultry!

Vic:
Eggplant.

[Vic holds up an eggplant for Michael to see]

Vic:
I mean, is this not a thing of beauty? Touch it, stroke it.

Michael:
Insert it?

Justin:
[after finding out about Ethan cheating on him... ripping up the roses from their date] I wanna be with someone who only wants to be with me... someone I can be with forever. Crock of sh*t.

Ethan:
I meant it.

Justin:
Yeah, I'm sure you did the second you were saying it.

Ethan:
Christ, look what you're doing to your hands.

Justin:
Oh, so f***ing what. You're a *liar.*

Ethan:
I didn't want to hurt you.

Justin:
That is so laughably, so pathetically lame, I am not even gonna comment on it... try something else.

Ethan:
I was... I was covering my ass.

Justin:
That's better... go on.

Ethan:
I was alone, you weren't there...

Justin:
Now it's my fault.

Ethan:
That's not what I mean. I missed you.

Justin:
So, since you couldn't bare to be without me for one f***ing night, you decide to pick up some drooling admirer?

Ethan:
Basically, yes.

Justin:
So tell me, Mr. Gold, as a last minute replacement, how'd he do? Did he kneel at your feet and worship your huge talent? Did he marvel at your magnificent fingering? Th-th-the way you stroke your bow, leave him breathless?

Ethan:
It was one stupid mistake! Look how many times you forgave Brian!

Justin:
[throwing the rest of the tattered roses on the ground] I *never* forgave Brian! I never had to... because he never promised me anything. You did. [walks away and takes of the promise Ethan gave him]

Ethan:
I need you. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

Justin:
Oh, I'm sure you'll survive. After all you still have your music. That's the only thing you ever really loved.

Brian:
[Emmett has come to beg Brian to help Ted] You might have called first.

Emmett:
If I had, you would've been in a meeting, right? So, this is the inner sanctum of the great god Kinney. Where men's fates are decided.

Brian:
What, did Theodore send you down here to throw yourself on my mercy?

Emmett:
He has no idea I'm here, and I have no intention of throwing myself at your mercy, or anything else for that matter.

Brian:
What a relief! I can come out from behind the desk! [walks to door and opens it]

Emmett:
You realize, of course, there's a very good chance he'll go to jail.

Brian:
Well tell him to look on the bright side. At least he'll get f***ed regularly.

Emmett:
[walks to the door and closes it again] I suppose that's meant to be witty. We all know about your charming sense of humour but we also know that deep down, you care about us, even though you'd never admit it. Which is why I've come...

Brian:
I've already told Ted there's nothing I can do...

Emmett:
I know what you told him. I also know what you think about Teddy and me, that we're just a couple of silly queens setting up house, that it'll never work. Well, there was a time when I would've thought exactly the same thing. But miracle of miracles, I have never been happier in my entire life. And you want to know why? Because he gives me love, and respect. And now it is my turn to give him something back. Now I swore to myself this wasn't going to wind up an old Lana turner movie, but it looks like that's the direction it's headed, so I'm going to make Lana proud. Please, Brian I am begging you. Help him.

Melanie:
Stockwell is out for blood. He wants to make you an example in his campaign against porn, drugs and sex.

Emmett:
Everything we hold dear.

Ted Schmidt:
There must be someone you know who could pull a few strings, put in a kind word on my behalf.

Melanie:
Uh, there's someone we all know.

Emmett:
Brian.

Ted Schmidt:
I'm a dead man.

Justin:
To the New York phil.

Ethan:
And the London phil, and the Vienna phil, and the Berlin phil and the quick, name another phil.

Justin:
Phil Farnsworth? We were in the seventh grade together.

Ethan:
To Phil Farnsworth, wherever he may be.

Ted Schmidt:
I doubt the state pen allows gay conjugal visits.

Emmett:
They did in this film I saw.

Ted Schmidt:
Which one was that?

Emmett:
"Jeff Stryker does hard time".

Ted Schmidt:
Gay men and straight girls sleeping together? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

Brian Kinney:
[He throws his deceased fathers bowling ball down a street, the ball disappears in the fog] So long, Jack! You son of a b*tch.

Ted Schmidt:
[Ted and Blake are kissing, suddenly Ted stops]

Ted Schmidt:
Um, look. [Blake tries to kiss him again] No, no. let's uh, let's not rush into this, okay? I mean, we both need time to comprehend and to process how we feel. Hmm? That said, I think it would be more appropriate, not to mention responsible for both of us to... of f*** it! [They start kissing again]

[Blake is talking to someone in Babylon as Emmet approaches]

Emmett Honeycutt:
Excuse me.

Blake Wyzecki:
No, thanks.

Emmett Honeycutt:
No thanks what?

Blake Wyzecki:
I don't want to dance.

Emmett Honeycutt:
I wasn't gonna ask. [to the other guy] Would you excuse us?

Emmett Honeycutt:
Who the hell are you?

Emmett Honeycutt:
I'm Emmett Honeycutt. Ted Schmidt's friend?

[Blake whispers to the other guy who then leaves]

Emmett Honeycutt:
Yeah, we um, we met here the other night when, uh when you were so tweaked, you passed out on the bathrooms floor. We had to rush you into the emergency room. Any of this starting to ring a bell?

Blake Wyzecki:
I remember now.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Good. Good for you. You feelin' better?

Blake Wyzecki:
Now that Ted's letting me stay with him.

Emmett Honeycutt:
That's our boy. So tell me: why aren't you there, talking to him instead of here, talking to a dealer?

Blake Wyzecki:
Him? He's just a friend.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Honey, don't bullshit me. Ted, maybe. He doesn't know about these things. But we do. Oh yes, we know what happens once you've injected crystal meth into those thinny arms. I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen. Because he loves you. In fact, he loves you so much, he believes you're clean. Imagine that!

Blake Wyzecki:
I love him, too.

Emmett Honeycutt:
No. You love drugs. So get drugs. Here, I will even give you the money. But leave him alone. Because if you break his heart, I will break your face! Now if you'll excuse me, they're playing my song.

Michael:
When you spend your entire life keeping it a secret - who you really are - you learn to stop trusting people and it becomes second nature.

Ted Schmidt:
Are you out of your mind? Guys like us do not turn down guys like him! You have acted like flagrant violation of the entire gay social structure. They're going to vote you out of the brotherhood.

Brian Kinney:
Meet my latest trick.

[the camera zooms down, so a a teddy bear dressed up in a leather is visible]

Melanie Marcus:
I didn't know you were into bears. I thought you preferred the young, hairless, not-admitted-without-a-parent-or-guardian type.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Ted, have you ever asked yourself: 'Is going to tea-dances with Brian and having indiscriminate sex with countless strangers is really the life I want?'

Ted Schmidt:
I have. And the answer is, you bet your ass it is.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Have you ever wondered yourself, 'Is this the life God wants for me?'

Ted Schmidt:
Well, I suppose in his infinite wisdom, he decided that somebody had to live in Pittsburgh.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Have you ever wondered 'Is there a better life?

Ted Schmidt:
Yeah, I could have a ten-inch dick and look like him.

[first lines]

Brian Kinney:
[Someone knocks at Brian's door. He wakes up & looks beside him.] Who the hell are you?

Tattoo:
I'm the guy you f***ed last night.

Brian Kinney:
Oh, yeah. Were you any good? [Someone knocks at the door.] Okay, I'm coming! [to Trick] And you're going.

Tattoo:
[as he leaves] We'll do this again.

Brian Kinney:
[sarcastically] Yeah, sure.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
Let me guess. Your Italian tutor? [handing Brian him the baby dummy]

Brian Kinney:
Grazie.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
You know if you visited once in a while, we wouldn't need to drop by unannounced.

Brian Kinney:
Talk to your girlfriend.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson:
You can't exactly blame her. The way you behave.

Brian Kinney:
She's just jealous, because she thinks you love me more than you love her. And she's right.

Michael Novotny:
Marley, are you free tonight?

Marley:
Do you know how long I've been waiting for a man to ask me that?

Michael Novotny:
I need somebody to stay late and help me with inventory.

Marley:
Oh, sorry. I've got church choir practice.

Michael Novotny:
That's a new excuse.

Marley:
How many times can my great grandmother be on a death bed?

Therapist:
Justin, do you have anything to say? [female psychiatrist & Jen are looking at Justin. He's staring at the table, looks up and smiles.]

Justin Taylor:
I like dick. I wanna get f***ed by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it too.

Therapist:
Well, that's a start.

Brian Kinney:
If I don't get this account, I'll be f***ed. And without lube.

Emmett Honeycutt:
And that's a bad thing?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
It's amazing how you always work anal intercourse into the conversation.

Brian Kinney:
Hey, you try spending an evening with some back-slapping breeder from out of town, smoking cigars, and talking about p*ssy.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt:
I'd love to hear what you have to say about p*ssy.

Brian Kinney:
That is a good thing you got one, because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Move over. So you boys in the mood for something sweet, or are you gonna pick up a little something at Woody's? [pinches Michael's cheeks]

Michael Novotny:
Ma, stop pinching my cheeks.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
Oh, bend over so I can pinch the other ones.

Emmett Honeycutt:
[referring to himself, Brian, and Michael] Looks like it's ah... it's just us, the three musketeers.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny:
More like the Pointer Sisters.

Michael Novotny:
I can't go either.

Brian Kinney:
What's your excuse?

Michael Novotny:
I have to go back to the store. We're restocking.

Emmett Honeycutt:
Poor baby. Spend the entire evening alone in that dreary crap emporium?

Michael Novotny:
Tracy will be there.

Brian Kinney:
Your bride-to-be?

Michael Novotny:
She's not my bride-to-be.

Brian Kinney:
Then you can tell her who you really are.