Sanford

Fred G. Sanford:
[Dumping out the contents of the bag the crooks tossed in his driveway] It's gold! It's gold! I'm going from dirt poor to filthy rich! [Counting out the gold coins] One, two, gimme some shoes. Three, four, I ain't poor no more. Five, six, gimme some chicks. Seven, eight, I can't wait!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Alright, Mr. Sanford, good to see you and remember: keep the charity.

Officer 'Smitty' Smith:
That's "keep the faith"!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Oh, yeah! Faith!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Consoling Cal] Anybody can be scared. In World War II I was scared. I backed up so far in one battle I bumped into a general.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Consoling Cal] C'mon, sit down, eat something. You're wasting away to almost enormous.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Trying to get rid of Cal before Eve arrives] Why don't you go to the movies? Why don't you see "Apocalypse Then"?

Cal Pettie:
You mean "Now"?

Fred G. Sanford:
I mean right now.

Fred G. Sanford:
Why look, Cal, you know that old saying, "Two's company and three's a crowd"?

Cal Pettie:
Yeah.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, in your case, two's company and three's a cattle drive.

Cal Pettie:
[Drinking another glass of water for dinner] Fred, all this water's makin' me crazy. It took me two hours to get out of the post office today. I had to get out of line six times to go to the bathroom!

Cal Pettie:
Obviously this diet don't work! It's a thyroid condition!

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, y'see, your thighs is pressin' your 'roids up in your stomach.

Rollo Larson:
[In the Gab n' Grab Singles Bar] Hey, Cal, Pops. Hey, you fellas out cruisin' for chicks or are you two together?

Fred G. Sanford:
Both. Y'see, Rollo, Cal needs a girlfriend, so Cal is on the prowl for some fowl.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Unfolding a piece of paper Cal accidentally dropped, begins reading it aloud] "To Katie: Roses are red / violets are purple / you're as sweet as maple surple / When we're together my hearts all a'quiver / I love you more than onions and liver / You have made my heart start tickin' / I love you more than the Colonel's chicken." No doubt about who wrote that!

Fred G. Sanford:
I like you. And besides, it's better to watch TV with someone else. And they got some TV on tonight.

Cal Pettie:
Oh, yeah? What's on?

Fred G. Sanford:
A couple of blockbusters. Two blockbusters. The first one is "Gidget Fidgets with a Midget in the Mud." And the co-feature is "Godzilla Eats the Ayotollah."

Cal Pettie:
I wouldn't want to miss that.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Sitting down to watch TV together] Hey, I'll go get you a pie.

Cal Pettie:
No, no, uh-uh. That's the old Cal. This is the new Cal, who is low-cal.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Cal, who walks in while Fred is watching a soap opera on TV] Quiet. John is leaving Sally for Eric the ski instructor.

Cal Pettie:
What?

Fred G. Sanford:
See, John is a trisexual.

Cal Pettie:
Trisexual?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah. He tried it and he liked it.

Manny:
Buenas dias, Fred.

Fred G. Sanford:
Bones and knees, neighbor.

Fred G. Sanford:
You act like you got a crush on Maria.

Cal Pettie:
Oh, that's ridiculous. Why would you say a thing like that?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, you looked at her like she was a large Twinkie.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after assisting a confused Mexican woman] She wanted to know where the bus to San Diego was.

Cal Pettie:
Why'd she ask me? Do I look like a Mexican?

Fred G. Sanford:
You look like a bus.

Mrs. Pettie:
Well, just let me take a good look at you, sonny.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, that'll take about a week.

Cal Pettie:
What do you think, Mama?

Mrs. Pettie:
The more I look at you the more you look like Paul Newman.

Fred G. Sanford:
Don't you mean Alred E. Neuman?

Mrs. Pettie:
How come in your letters home you never once mentioned your partner was colored?

Cal Pettie:
He's not colored, he's black.

Mrs. Pettie:
Colored or black, what is the difference?

Cal Pettie:
Well, depending on who you say it to, about fifteen stitches.

Cal Pettie:
Mama, I can't believe it. I lived with you all those years and I didn't know you were prejudiced.

Mrs. Pettie:
Me? I don't have a prejudiced bone in my body. Why, I never say an unkind thing about a Negro, a Jew-boy or a Chink.

Cal Pettie:
Mama, can't you know what you're saying?

Mrs. Pettie:
Yes, we're all God's children. And it's certainly not Mr. Sanford's fault that he was left in the oven too long.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Cal reports that Mrs. Pettie refuses to stay in a black man's home] I'm going down and have a talk with your mama.

Cal Pettie:
Now wait a minute, Fred. Listen. Look, she's my mama. Don't be mad at her.

Fred G. Sanford:
Me mad? No, I'm gonna butter her up one side and marmalade down the other [stepping into the hallway] then I'm gonna shove her in the toaster.

Cal Pettie:
Now, look, Fred. He's family. I mean, he's Aunt Esther's only son.

Fred G. Sanford:
I don't consider Esther as family. I don't consider Esther as a friend. And she's too ugly to be a pet.

Cliff Anderson:
Oh, Mom told me to tell you something.

Fred G. Sanford:
What?

Cliff Anderson:
[Imitating Esther's scowl] Watch it, sucka!

Fred G. Sanford:
I don't feel good today. Y'see, my neuritis is shakin' hands with my bursitis, and they're both gangin' up on my arthritis.

Cliff Anderson:
Every time it's laundry day, Tide's in, Fred's out!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Discussing funeral arrangements] One other thing, and this is real important. Make sure Lena Horne sings at my funeral.

Cal Pettie:
Lena Horne? Why?

Fred G. Sanford:
Because when she gets to that part, "It's the wrong place, it's the wrong time, though you're lips are tempting." See, when you get those "lips are temptin'," when you get to that part and I don't raise up and start dancin', bury me 'cause I'm dead.

Cal Pettie:
[Referring to Fred's heart attacks] Fred, you've cried wolf so many times you ought to have a hunting license!

Fred G. Sanford:
[while dialing the emergency number] Elizabeth, remember all those times I told you I was comin' ta join ya, honey? I ain't lyin' this time!

Fred G. Sanford:
[singing during a thunderstorm] Rain rain go away / come again some other day / I hate it when it's damp and rainy / go dump on the Ayatollah Khomeini!

Fred G. Sanford:
They ain't gonna flatten this place! Listen, barricade the door, lock the windows and get me a shotgun because they're not gonna take the Fred G. Sanford home while I'm alive!

Cal Pettie:
That's the same thing General Custer said.

Cal Pettie:
We gotta get all your neighbors together.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's a good idea, 'cause we got some real good, hard-working neighbors, nice, polite, intelligent people.

Cal Pettie:
All right, I'll tell ya what, I'll give 'em a call and get 'em right over here.

Fred G. Sanford:
Wait a minute, I don't want them creeps here in my home!

Doc:
It looks like you have a viral infection. But of course it's impossible to know what you have.

Fred G. Sanford:
I'll tell you what I have for sure. I got my eyes ache, my head aches, my hair aches, I got tired blood, I got itchy, flakin' and scalpin' skin, I'm dizzy and fuzzy and queasy and sneezy, and you standing there lookin' dopey!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[Fred pleads with Esther to sit and stay awhile] I ain't sittin' on no couch. First thing I hear you say is how ugly I am.

Fred G. Sanford:
Would I say that to you?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Yes! And then you'd say, "I've seen better faces on a can of dog food." And then you would say when I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped me across the face.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, Esther, I wouldn't say that to you. You're beautiful! What a face! What a figure!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I know that one. Two more legs and I'd look like Trigger!

Fred G. Sanford:
[shouting to Eve, who is walking out the door, leaving Fred standing by Esther] Look here, look here! Can't you take Esther with you? Put her in the trunk, use her for a spare! [Turning to Esther] Well, Esther, how ya doin', how ya feelin' and when you leavin'?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I just got here.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's a good time to start leavin'.

Fred G. Sanford:
Now you can stay in Los Angeles as long as you want to, but you're not gonna stay here in my empire.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Ain't no old gray-haired weaselly man gonna tell me that I'm not gonna stay in my sister's home!

Fred G. Sanford:
Your sister Elizabeth passed over twenty years ago. Why don't you go stay with her?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I wanna see 'em 'cause seeing is believing.

Fred G. Sanford:
No it ain't. I been seeing you for years and I still don't believe it.

Cal Pettie:
[Holding Fred's marriage license] I gotta tell you something, Fred.

Fred G. Sanford:
What?

Cal Pettie:
It's gonna cause you a lot of pain. It's gonna break your little heart. It's gonna tear your guts out... It seems that Elizabeth signed where the witness was supposed to, and Esther signed where the bride was supposed to. That means you are married to Esther.

[Fred stunned, begins to stagger and suffer a heart attack]

Cal Pettie:
Say, let me ask you a question. Whatever happened to Esther's real husband?

Fred G. Sanford:
Woody? Oh, he died and went to heaven. He had to go to heaven because he caught all the hell there was while he was here with Esther.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Voiceover introducing scenes from part one] Did you miss last week? I sure wish I did. Wait till you see the mess I found myself in.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Driving the truck down a lonely rural highway] Where are we? We lost.

Cal Pettie:
We ain't lost, we're 200 miles outside of Fremont, Missouri. Look, according to this map here, we're running right alongside this mountain range.

Fred G. Sanford:
That ain't no mountain range, that's a mustard smudge.

Judge:
[Presiding before Fred and Esther] Well, just look at ya. You've been married so long you're beginning to look like each other.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, Judge, if that's the case, forget the divorce, gimme the gas chamber!

Cal Pettie:
Fred, these courtrooms make me nervous. They got all these unsolved crimes they're just dyin' to pin on somebody.

Fred G. Sanford:
Don't worry, only thing they could pin on you would be a harpoon.

Fred G. Sanford:
[singing while pouring himself a celebratory glass of Ripple] I'm no longer married / to that ugly bride / If the judge hadn't divorced us / I'd have committed suicide / I've got the ugly wife blues, whoa!

Prosecuting Attorney:
Mr. Sanford, do you believe in capital punishment?

Fred G. Sanford:
Absolutely. I believe everyone in the nation's capital should be punished.

Cal Pettie:
Now, look, Fred. Cliff's young and he likes to chase young, beautiful women. Now you remember what that's like.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah. When I was young in my neighborhood they used to call me Ready Freddy, slick and speedy, never let the ladies go needy!

Cliff Anderson:
[Discussing Charlene] I don't want to tell you about her because I don't want to prejudice you.

Fred G. Sanford:
Prejudice? Me? She's black, ain't she?

Winston:
[Speaking of Eve's late husband John] Yeah, John was quite a man. You know, Sanford, having you around makes me miss John more than ever.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, Winston, if you miss him that much, why don't you join him?

Fred G. Sanford:
I taught Lamont how to ride a bicycle once. Bicycle was all dented. So was his head when he fell off the bike. Fell on his head and knocked his tooth out. I took the tooth and put it up under his pillow and told him the Tooth Fairy was gonna leave him some money. In those days you could let a fairy in your house.

Cal Pettie:
[Attempting to encourage the sulky Fred] Look, why don't you just go on over to Mrs. Lewis' house?

Fred G. Sanford:
Because Beverly Hills is off limits to me now.

Cal Pettie:
"True love never runs smooth." William Shakespeare.

Fred G. Sanford:
"Go to hell." Richard Pryor.

Cal Pettie:
When are you gonna grow up?

Fred G. Sanford:
If I grew up, there wouldn't be room enough here for the both of us.

Grady Wilson:
I know the perfect lady for you. My girlfriend's sister. She's from outta town and she's got a terrific personality.

Fred G. Sanford:
Terrific personality? I know what that means. She looks like Leon Spinks.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after talking with the bubble-headed Bunny] Grady, I would like to talk to you.

Grady Wilson:
Sure, Fred.

Fred G. Sanford:
No, back here by my baseball bat.

Bunny:
Hey, whaddaya think I'm stupid or what?

Fred G. Sanford:
Both.

Fred G. Sanford:
[At the art gallery, looking at DeWitt's abstract sculpture] I wouldn't miss a chance to visit with a fellow junk dealer.

Evelyn Lewis:
Fred, show some respect. My date happens to be the world-famous artist Bentley DeWitt.

Fred G. Sanford:
How are you, Dent?

Bentley DeWitt:
That's Bentley DeWitt, the third.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, if your parents are careful there won't be a fourth.

Fred G. Sanford:
I would've helped, but it's my old war injury.

Evelyn Lewis:
You were injured in the war?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, Red Cross doughnut truck ran over my foot.

Cal Pettie:
[In a Beverly Hills jail cell] I'll tell you one damn thing. They got a higher class of graffiti here. Listen to this: "Merry Christmas 1978. Roman Polanski."

Sammy Davis Jr.:
A week from Saturday? Children of Watts? Well, to be honest with you, I'm going to be on Dinah, Mike, Johnny, Merv, Phil, and I'm gonna be a guest engineer on "Soul Train," but the rest of the night I'm free. What the hell - I'll do it!

Sammy Davis Jr.:
I'm sorry I'm late, but my Rolls broke down.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's why I got rid of mine.

Lady:
[Debating whether to buy a ring] Maurice, darling, I'm going to have to have a little more champagne before I say yes.

Fred G. Sanford:
I know a lot of women with the same problem.

Fred G. Sanford:
Y'see, I was at Reginald's the other day and there was sort of a robbery.

Evelyn Lewis:
You mean this ring is hot?

Fred G. Sanford:
Let's say "tepid."

Fred G. Sanford:
[Looking at Cal's family portrait] Who are them two bald-headed fellas?

Cal Pettie:
That there is my brother Homer Elbee, and the other one is my sister Betty Sue. I guess some day I'll be bald, too.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, I'll just paint you green and sit you in the window and sell you for a Buddha.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Hearing the still gurgle and squeak] What's that noise? It sounds like someone sucking a cat up the vacuum cleaner!

Al Culmer:
Well, now look, Fred. Now you're a businessman; why do you think there's so much instability in the market?

Fred G. Sanford:
Wobbly wheels on the shopping carts.

Cal Pettie:
[Cal apprehends the burglar climbing through a window] Alright, kid, why'd you pick our house?

Eddie:
Man, I thought I was playin' it safe. A lot of houses in this neighborhood have guard dogs. How was I supposed to know you all had a guard hippo?

Fred G. Sanford:
[On the phone] Operator? Give me the police.

Eddie:
Oh, man, you ain't gonna turn me over to the cops, are ya?

Fred G. Sanford:
Naw, I'm callin' for your protection.

Eddie:
My protection?

Fred G. Sanford:
That's right. I'm doin' it because if the police don't get here on the double, your butt is in a lot of trouble.

Miss Pender:
[the social worker pleads with the judge] Your honor, Eddie really hasn't had much of a chance. Why, he even lives with an uncle who's a hopeless alcoholic.

Fred G. Sanford:
He'd drive anybody to drink.

Miss Pender:
Mr. Sanford! Where is your heart?

Fred G. Sanford:
Probably in that little thief's pocket.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Describing his underprivileged childhood] When I was his age, Christmas 1936, my Dad gave me an empty box. Later that night came back and took it, gave it to my brother. It was six of us kids slept in the same bed. I was never cold and I was never dry. One December it rained and snowed. It was so cold. I didn't even have a sled, so I slid down the hill on my cousin.

Fred G. Sanford:
The point is, your honor, I always did the right thing. That's what led to my present position at Sanford Industries, Incorporated. You might say I'm at the top of the heap.

Miss Pender:
That's all fine, Mr. Sanford, but what you're saying is not germane to the issue.

Fred G. Sanford:
What does Germany got to do with this? The war is over!

Cal Pettie:
Look at yourself. You're fourteen and in big trouble.

Eddie:
And you're just big.

Cal Pettie:
Right, partner. Big enough to bounce you off the wall, dribble you around the room, and slam dunk you in the disposal.

Eddie:
Fat people are supposed to be jolly.

Cal Pettie:
You're the only kid I know that Santa Claus would punch in the face.

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Well, there's another young life snatched from the evil clutches of crime, Smitty!

Officer 'Smitty' Smith:
Good job, Batman!

Cal Pettie:
You call that help?

Fred G. Sanford:
At my age you don't give help, you accept it.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Looking at the seemingly young doctor's driver's license for a date of birth] 1913? Why, that's the year I was born. What happened to me, Doc?

Marshall T. Gray:
Nothing, Mr. Sanford, nothing. I'd say for a man of our years you're in excellent health.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, but you look you jumped off a box of Wheaties, and I look like I slid out a jar of prunes.

Rollo Larson:
Say, Pop, look. You took that pill 24 hours ago and you're supposed to lose age, but all you losing is your mind.

Cal Pettie:
Face it, Fred. On the highway of life you're a '52 DeSoto.

Fred G. Sanford:
And let's face it, Cal. On the highway of life you're all six lanes.