Saul of the Mole Men

[Opening signature tune]

Vocalist:
There was a mission underground / So they sent some explorers down / But the crewmen of any worth / Died on their way to the center of the Earth / So we're left with: Johnny Tambourine / A grumpy robot machine / And Saul Malone, the de facto leader of the team / And now he's: Saul of the Mole Men / Saul of the Mole Men / Saul of the Mole Men.

Stromulus Guandor:
I did not say you were a slut. I said you were acting like a slut.

Princessa:
I always pictured myself having a traditional birdbat wedding... the beautiful ceremony, the mating dance, and then we choose one person... [deep voice] WHO WE EAT ALIVE!

Stromulous Gaundor:
Why?! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y-y?!

Bertrum:
Because you shot her that's why -- Your own daughter, with your own gun!

Jim:
Listen, this is important. I need you to reach into my chest pocket, take out that terry cloth, and, ever so delicately cover up my genitals.

Saul:
I can't sir! I'm just a geologist.

[Jim slaps Saul]

Jim:
You're a STRATA geologist.

Jim:
Those aren't my genitals. They belonged to Keiko. My genitals are over there.

[cuts to the next scene where Jim's other body was cut in half with his genitals sticking out]

Jim:
The fate of the world is in your hands, Todd Rogers.

Saul:
It's me -- Malone. Saul Malone.

Jim:
Then what are you doing with Todd Rogers' cold sore?

Saul:
It's a mustache.

Jim:
The coldest sore of all., Todd Rogers. The coldest sore of all.

Announcer:
Meet Saul Malone. Some people are people. Other's geologoists.

[Saul screaming while falling]

Saul:
It's a STRATA communication atenna.

[Saul goes back to screaming]

Saul:
Who knows what hot, dirty, little methane-filled crack that might shaft may have fallen into?

Robot:
What the hell are those -- Mongoloids or something?

Saul:
I thought that at first, but chinamen they are not.

Robot:
I meant retarded.

Johnny Tambourine:
My twin sister's retarded. Or was she chinese? Oh, that's right -- She was stillborn.

Saul:
Hedonistic, orgiastic intercourse mongers! What carnal assault will they unleash on each other next?

Saul:
These cockeyed copulators are drunk on fornication and cheap pineapple wine.

Mr. President:
Need I remind you we are bound together but the most powerful of all bonds?

STRATA Operator #1:
Well, yes, I know that, sir.

Mr. President:
Bonds that link us.

STRATA Operator #1:
Uh, yes, I-I'm well aware of that the bonds, sir.

Mr. President:
Secret bonds.

STRATA Operator #2:
Uh...blood bonds?

Saul:
Charley horse!

Clancy:
Father, I can't stand to see you like this.

Bertrum:
He's revolting! We should just put him out of his misery.

Robot:
Now, slow down, son. I'm just an old man who checked the organ-donor box on his driver's license.

Robot:
I didn't know some government agency was going to harvest my brain and stick it in an iron widget. So just slow down, damn it.

Saul:
Okay...

Robot:
Now that's too slow!

Saul:
We need a plan!

Johnny Tambourine:
I've got it! When I was a boy, I had a neighbor named Terry Trickles. Terry liked lily pads. He called them toad floats.

Bertrum:
Don't mention it. Seriously... [deep tone] Don't mention it.

Bertrum:
Uh fellas, say, you heard the one about the evil mole man who distracts the two sentries? Good joke. It's long, but it has a good ending. You know, anecdote, really.

Saul:
Personally, I prefer the soulful sounds of doo-wop to that crackerjack pap.

STRATA Operator #1:
Play it again.

[STRATA Operator #2 plays the recorder of Saul's messages from another place]

Saul:
STRATA, come in! It's Saul Malone! I'm trapped in the center of the Earth!

STRATA Operator #1:
I can't hear squat!

STRATA Operator #2:
The wave form is unstable.

[STRATA Operator #2 plays it again]

Saul:
STRATA, come in! It's Saul Malone! I'm trapped in the center of the Earth!

STRATA Operator #1:
It's completely unintelligible!

Saul:
In high school they called me Saul Gayrock just 'cause I drew a heart around a rare geode in my textbook.

Saul:
A talking rock.

Mother Rock:
Yes. We are sentient beings as you suspected.

Saul:
I knew it! Take that, Nathaniel Baltimore...[spits] ...my rival from the Tallahassee geological license review board.

Mother Rock:
You must lead them, Saul Malone. Lead them to a better way!

Saul:
Me, lead the mole men? I've never led anything in my life! In high school --

Mother Rock:
ENOUGH ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL! NO ONE CARES ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL!

Clancy:
We will rebuild the village exactly as it was, down to the last carelessly placed, misshapen mud brick!

Bertrum:
Don't rebuild the village, you nitwit! This is an opportunity to build mole-man terrace, a planned community! Father would have loved --

Clancy:
Father would have eaten those plans and then excreted them out and then consumed the excretion and then regurgitated the consumed excretion into your mouth, Bertrum!

[Clancy and Bertrum sees they're father struggling to get up while caught on fire]

Bertrum:
Father, obviously you're dying, so -- Real quick -- I'm the heir to the throne, correct?

Clancy:
BERTRUM!

Saul:
Wait! Wait! Wait! I'm supposed to lead the mole men! Me! Saul Malone! There's greatness inside of me.

Anne-Zod:
He was here before you. [referring to Chincula behind Saul]

[Many people and creatures of the Mole Man created their own campaign video]

Mole Men #1:
So, what do you make about all this election business?

Mole Men #2:
It's confusing. There so many choices.

Mole Men #1:
If only there was someone who talked like you and me.

Clancy:
Hi. I am Clancy Burrows, and I talk like you and me. I talk about family, digging, and old-time religion. Isn't that enough?

Bertrum:
No, it's not enough, Clancy Burrows! Mole men deserve a king with new ideas and plans, ideas for a revitalized downtown...

[shows the Mole men where they transport places with hamster tubes]

Bertrum:
Ideas to tackle our crippling social issues...

[shows the Mole men being put in a meat grinder]

Bertrum:
Idead to address immigration reform...

[shows Saul, Johnny, and Robot stranded in a dark area while someone filming them]

Bertrum:
...and an idea so big, I refuse to divulge it until after the election!

[shows Clancy confused at a big question mark]

Bertrum:
Do you hear that, Clancy Burrows?! It's the sound of new plans and ideas! Or maybe you can't hear it...because you are deaf!

Announcer:
The floating pancake says he won't raise taxes to rebuild the village. The floating pancake is a liar.

Chinacula:
I'm Chinacula, and I approve this message.

Saul:
You vicious mole-men troglodytes have to stop digging those rocks. What you're doing is wrong! Dead wrong! So vote for me, Saul Malone.

Robot:
[sarcastic] Wow.

Saul:
You liked it, huh?

Robot:
[sarcastic] Wow.

Saul:
The election is as good as mine.

Johnny Tambourine:
I'm going to vote for that Bertrum chap. He's the only one tough enough to stand up to the immigrants.

Robot:
[surprised] Wow!

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
So, by show of applause...Saul Malone!

Old Mole Men:
[claps] Oh, no, sorry. I didn't mean to clap.

Mole Men #3:
I'm sick of thinking!

Saul:
No! You can't be king! I should king!

Johnny Tambourine:
King? I'm king?

[Saul strangles Johnny]

Johnny Tambourine:
[while being strangled] Oh, wow!

[Saul gets put in prison]

Saul:
No! The rocks told me I was supposed lead the mole men! The rocks told me I had greatness inside of me!

Mole Men Prisoner:
I'll put greatness inside of you. [laughs evilly]

Saul:
What sort of topsy-turvy world is this? Mole men? Talking rocks? Maybe I am nuts.

Mole Men Prisoner:
Nuts? I'm afraid you're all too sane, my friend. The rocks talk to me, too.

Saul:
Really? What did they tell you?

Mole Men Prisoner:
This.

[the Mole Men Prisoner plucks both of his eyes out screaming in agony as well as Saul]

Clancy:
Your majesty, I come to pay my respects and offer a tribute.

[Johnny confused]

Robot:
That's a gift. He's giving stuff to you.

Clancy:
The kings of old believed it helped ward off the evil spirit of Otnip. Father believed it helped him rule with wisdom, strength, and clarity.

Johnny Tambourine:
Oh, um, thanks.

Clancy:
You don't like it?

Johnny Tambourine:
No, no --

Clancy:
You seem underwhelmed.

Johnny Tambourine:
It's fine.

Clancy:
It has a great deal of sentimental value. It symbolizes the lineage of the mole man royal family as well as our love of orbs.

Robot:
He said he doesn't like it.

Clancy:
Well, I guess I can just take it back.

Johnny Tambourine:
[happily] Okay.

Clancy:
So, you're refusing my gift, then?

Robot:
You heard the man.

Clancy:
Son of a b*tch!

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Hey, flesh sack. Can I get a spot?

[Saul feels concerned]

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Get on over here. Ain't no sex thing.

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
I got a plan.

Saul:
You do?

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
A plan to bust out of here.

Saul:
No way.

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Gonna fake an injury to distract the guard, then make a break for it. You in?

Saul:
You better believe it, pal.

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Great.

[Mole Men Prisoner #2 breaks one of Saul's legs]

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
You, guard, man down!

[Mole Men Prisoner gives a thumbs up to Saul afterwards while Saul gets beaten to death by the officers]

Bertrum:
Your kingship, I offer you this token of admiration. Just a simple novelty item.

Johnny Tambourine:
It's a pen!

Bertrum:
Now turn it over.

[Johnny turns over the pen that shows a naked mole woman]

Johnny Tambourine:
Wow!

Robot:
These buffalo still have a few tricks up their sleeves.

Johnny Tambourine:
I can honestly say I've never received a more heartfelt and meaningful gift.

Clancy:
Oh, come on!

Bertrum:
Why don't you sign this important document in triplicate, effectively green-lighting my big secret idea - Project Thunder Hole!

Bertrum:
A single hole so massive that it will make all other holes obsolete! A hole so grand in scope, we mole men will never have to dig another hole again! And we'll dig it where we've never dug before -- Straight up.

Clancy:
FORBIDDEN!

[Saul drawing the number of days he's been in prison by using a rock]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Stop vandalizing your cell. We just renovated this wing.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
The judge request your presence in the courtroom.

Saul:
Judge? Courtroom? What do you people know of justice? Of common decency? The crapper's a hole in the ground, for crying out loud, and there's only one corncob to share between the two of us.

[Mole Men Prisoner #1 still plucking his eyes out in agony]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
You were promised a full and fair trial, and that's what you'll get.

[cuts to next scenes where courtroom takes place in a battle arena between Saul and the Judge who is a worm monster]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
If the Judge finds you innocent, your life shall be spared. If the Judge eats you, it means you are guilty.

Robot:
I don't care who wins. I like to see a good fight, like when Murph took down that big Russki in Frisco. Murph was drunker than a turd-house rat, but, by god, he knocked that Russian bear out cold with a body shot and a lit cigar in his mouth!

Bertrum:
[to Johnny] So...about that Thunder Hole --

Clancy:
FORBIDDEN!

Saul:
Aw, my coccyx.

Bertrum:
[to Saul] You'll have to excuse my brother. He suffers from certain nervous disorders.

Robot:
What, he's a fruit?

Bertrum:
The choice is simple, Mr. Malone. Become the public face of Project Thunder Hole, or get reacquainted with an old friend of yours, an old friend named Bernice Resnick.

Saul:
[confused]

Bertrum:
That's the wormy's name.

[Mole Woman bumps into Saul]

Mole Woman:
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me help you. [to Mole Men Waiter] YOU, CLEAN THIS UP!

Mole Woman:
Hey, aren't you Saul Malone, the official thunder-hole geologist?

Saul:
Well, I guess you could say that.

Mole Woman:
Wow. You're responsible for the destruction of so many rocks. It makes my egg pouch all hot.

Saul:
No, on the contrary, my aim is to limit the damage to an absolute minimum.

Mole Woman:
I hate you now.

Bertrum:
Just this morning, a little crippled boy named Tommy hobbled up to me. He said, "Mr. Bertrum, will Project Thunder Hole have a place for me?" And I said, "No, cripples will not be allowed to work on Project Thunder Hole. It's not practical."

Tommy:
[sad sigh]

Beet God:
Hey, what's going on?

Clancy:
It's the big gala for Project Thunder Hole.

Beet God:
Huh?

Clancy:
Thunder Hole -- The thing I was warning you about.

Beet God:
Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Thunder Hole, huh? Sounds cool. What's it all about?

Clancy:
It's Bertrum's evil plan to dig into the "taboo area." I prayed to you to stop it.

Beet God:
Huh?

Clancy:
Doh -- Fine -- Ah...

Clancy's Wife:
Come on, Lil. We live in a godless void.

Saul:
You want me to beat a poor, defenseless mutant in a canvas sack? What, are you nuts?

Bertrum:
What's the big deal? It's just a mutant.

Mole Woman:
It's really ugly. Besides, it likes it.

Saul:
It's in agony.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
On the contrary. To the best of our knowledge, it has no nervous system. It can't feel a thing.

[Dr. Brad kicks the mutant which is still groans in pain]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
See?

Saul:
What's your name?

Fallopia:
...

Saul:
What's...your...name?

Fallopia:
...

Johnny Tambourine:
I don't think she knows how to talk.

Robot:
Do what they do to make horses talk on those tv programs. Put peanut butter in her mouth. That'll get the old gums flapping.

Saul:
Robot, that's not a half-bad idea.

Mr. President:
How are you trying to reach your goal?

STRATA Operator #1:
By activating the DX-2, our backup drill ship.

STRATA Operator #2:
But there's a slight problem, Mr. President. The ship can only drill up. It's a design flaw.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #1:
Of course. Indochina!

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #1:
We'll take the drill ship to Indochina.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #2:
That way we can drill up, straight to the center of the earth.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #1:
Pack your bags, STRATA Operator #2. We're going to Indochina.

STRATA Operator #2:
Let's go.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

Saul:
Fallopia? That's beautiful.

Fallopia:
But you can call me what everyone else does -- A hideous mutant barely worthy of being a punching bag.

Saul:
[to Fallopia] No, you're beautiful.

Robot:
You're a real looker, missy. Hubba-hubba!

Johnny Tambourine:
For a human, sure, but she's a mole. Why would I want a hideous mole when I could have any mole I want?

Robot:
Johnny's right. She's a pig.

Johnny Tambourine:
Let's go find some real mole girls. Once you've gone mole, there's no other hole.

Saul:
Sometimes when my nostrils gets too bushy, people think it's a booger, and it makes them self-conscious, and they start thinking they might have a booger or something else in their nostrils, and that is the last thing I want to happen with Fallopia. God knows she's suffered enough.

Saul:
Who are you kidding, Malone? You haven't been on a date since you followed that docent around the geology museum, and Fallopia is no Jane Geode. She's a certified knockout!

Lil:
Don't worry, mister. You'll be fine. She's just a filthy, wretched ogre. She's lucky to get a guy like you. [referring to Fallopia who is sexy human version of mole man]

Saul:
Really? You think so?

Lil:
I don't know.

Captain:
BTO. Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

STRATA Operator #2:
It's not Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

[the Captain steals one of the crewmate's knife and stabs him aggressively for misspelling the word]

Captain:
BTO. Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

STRATA Operator #2:
Listen, you can threaten me. You can stick that knife through his hand and into the table till the cows come home, but hear me now and hear me well. That is not Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

[the two guys then have a suspension expression fight afterwards]

[Saul sees Johnny and Fallopia doing sex with each other]

Saul:
What are you two doing in there?!

Johnny Tambourine:
[to Fallopia] See? I told you he wouldn't know.

Saul:
[to Fallopia] We had a date! How could you just turn around and have intercourse with Johnny Tambourine?!

Fallopia:
I think he does know, Johnny.

Fallopia:
Please, let me explain.

Saul:
Go ahead! Try me!

Fallopia:
This thing with Johnny -- It's just incredibly passionate, transcendent sex and the deepest kind of romantic love. So, please, I cherish you as a friend...a totally sexless friend.

Clancy:
[on phone] Listen, Jim, the reason I called is I need your support to stop my brother's wicked scheme to dig into the taboo area.

Jim:
Not interested! [hangs up]

Clancy:
Son of a b*tch!

Bertrum:
Sure, there were those who called it unwise, risky, overambitious. [fake cough] Clancy!

Bertrum:
My fellow moles, the hour has come to usher in the era of thunder hole! Let the dig begin!

[the Mole Men worker gets crushed by rocks when he touched the ceiling of the surface]

Bertrum:
Good work. Next digger.

Lil:
What's the matter?

Saul:
Ask me after you go through puberty.

Lil:
[crying]

Saul:
Hey, kid, don't take it so hard. I didn't mean anything by it.

Lil:
That's just it, mister. I was supposed to go through puberty today. I need to be escorted by a guardian, but my dad was too busy to take me to catch my testicles.

Saul:
[spits water] Catch your testicles?

Lil:
I'm two months overdue to go on the great testicle hunt.

Saul:
You have to hunt down your testicles?

Lil:
Yeah! Down at Puberty Gulch. And if I don't get them soon, I could end up...intersexed.

Saul:
Well, that puts a whole new wrinkle in the puberty process.

Lil:
[singing] I wish I had a pair of balls, for then I wouldn't be a runt. But my dad won't find the time to take me on the testicle hunt.

Saul:
[singing] Don't despair, you little guy. Wipe that tear from your eye, I will take you with the other dads to Puberty Gulch to find your nads.

Lil:
[singing] There we'll join the testicle hunt.

Saul:
[singing] So you have balls and not a uterus.

Reporter:
Mr. Bertrum, what do you say to the families of all the crushed diggers?

Bertrum:
To make an omelet, break some eggs, uh, died as heroes -- You know, you fill in the blanks.

[Saul and Lil went to the Puberty Gulch were they see the testicle monsters]

Saul:
We'll I'll be. They're cute as the Dickens.

Saul:
Easy there, little guy. You got to be patient. Use stealth and cunning.

Lil:
Gosh, you're smart.

Saul:
Well, let's just say I learned a few things at Sleepaway Camp.

Lil:
Those are scary testicles.

Saul:
STEP BACK, SON! THEY HAVE RABIES! There's only thing we can do for them.

[Saul instantly smashed the scary testicles]

Clancy:
Bob, how many more diggers have to die before you admit that you were wrong?

Bob:
406.

Clancy:
What's that? Can I ask how you arrived at that number?

Clancy's Wife:
Clancy?

Clancy:
Not now, honey! I'm --

Clancy's Wife:
Don't you "Not now" me. Lil has run away.

Clancy:
What?! But I-I-I --

Clancy's Wife:
That's right. Because you were too wrapped up in your crusade to take him testicle hunting.

Clancy:
But I --

Clancy's Wife:
Don't you "But I" me. You're so obsessed with saving mole society, you've forgotten how to be a father to your only child! Now he could end up a hermaphrodite! And isn't one of those enough for this family?!

Clancy:
You're right. I've been a fool. But don't worry. I've got a feeling I know where to find him.

[Clancy leaves]

Clancy's Wife:
Psst! Your, uh...tampon string is hanging out.

Clancy:
Ah. Thanks.

Bertrum:
I hereby dedicate this memorial to the heroic workers who have made the ultimate sacrifice for the success of Project Thunder Hole.

[another digger gets killed by a memorial statue]

Bertrum:
Thunder Hole! Whoo!

All:
Boo! Hiss!

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Word on the street is the casualty rate is too heavy.

Bertrum:
Well, what am I supposed to do about it?!

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
I recommend we consult with Malone, the geologist. He may be able to devise a safer method for upwards digging.

Bertrum:
Fine! Bring him here, then.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Uh...we're looking for him. In the meantime, I recommend you sign these personalized letters to the families of the crushed workers.

Bertrum:
I just made a whole speech! What do these people want from me?!

[The testicle monsters turned into butterflies]

Lil:
Oh, no! They're metamorphosizing!

Saul:
Man, these balls sure have a lot of wrinkles.

Lil:
We're out of time! I'm destined to be intersexed!

Clancy:
Lil!

Lil:
Dad!

Clancy:
I came to apologize and to give you these.

[Clancy gives him old testicle monsters that are coughing]

Clancy:
They belonged to your grandfather.

Lil:
Dad, did you ever think maybe I wanted my own pair of testes and not Grandpa's wrinkled old sack?

Clancy:
I've learned an important lesson today.

Lil:
Huh?

Clancy:
From now on, you're my first priority, Lil.

Lil:
Thanks, Dad.

Clancy:
Just wait. In a few days, those babies will take root, and I'll show you how to shave. [referring to the testicle monsters]

Lil:
Wow!

Lil:
Dad, we have to save Saul from that horrible monster!

Clancy:
[chuckling] The Birdbats aren't monsters, son.

Lil:
They're not?

Clancy:
Heavens, no. You see, monsters kill because they don't know any better, because they have to to survive. The Birdbats kill because they enjoy it. They're sociopaths.

Lil:
Oh.

Robot:
So what's it like having Johnny inside you?

Fallopia:
[kicks Robot] Robot! You dirty old man!

Robot:
It's not what you think. I'm a longstanding contributor to a highly respected biannual erotica journal.

Fallopia:
Good morning, Johnny. I made some breakfast for you.

Johnny Tambourine:
STOP SMOTHERING ME! [slaps the breakfast out of Fallopia's hands]

Fallopia:
Smothering?!

Johnny Tambourine:
YOU HAVE BEEN SMOTHERING ME!

[everyone was arguably shouting when Robot and Lil came in]

Lil:
[muttering]

Johnny Tambourine:
Saul's been kidnapped by birdbats?!

Lil:
[muttering]

Johnny Tambourine:
And we have to rescue him?

Lil:
Unh-huh-hmm!

Robot:
Not interested.

Saul:
What the heck are you? Some sort of half-bird, half-bat?

Stromulous Gaundor:
No! I am 100% birdbat!

Robot:
If I still had my lungs, I bet breathing all this crisp mountain air would remind me of the time me and Murph scaled the Himalayas with that sherpa. Three days in, supplies got scarce, but then Murph says eating human flesh once doesn't make you a cannibal any more than sleeping with a corpse makes you a necrophile.

Johnny Tambourine:
SHUT UP!

Robot:
[gasps]

Johnny Tambourine:
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STUPID MURPH STORIES!

Robot:
I don't want to go anymore! Just leave me here to die.

Johnny Tambourine:
FINE! [smiles afterwards]

Stromulous Gaundor:
Where is the stone Where is the stone?! WHERE IS THE STONE?!

Saul:
I told you, I have no idea!

Stromulous Gaundor:
Do not insult me. I am a scientist!

[Shows Saul he got a chemistry set toy kit by proving he's a scientist]

Stromulous Gaundor:
I will see my Latisia again, senor Malone, but if I am ever to bring my wife back to this world, I am going to need that stone. Now, where is it?!

Saul:
I have a question for you. ARE YOU NUTS?!

Fallopia:
What are we gonna do now?

Johnny Tambourine:
SHUT YOUR BLEEDING MOUTH AND LET ME THINK!

Johnny Tambourine:
Fallopia's right. You are a real jerk, Johnny Tambourine. Why must you keep pushing everyone away? Maybe it's 'cause you haven't found the right chick.

Fallopia:
Saul!

Saul:
Fallopia! You came for me!

Fallopia:
Of course!

Saul:
So you do love me after all.

Fallopia:
No. Yes! I-I-I don't know. No. I am in a really mixed-up place right now.

Saul:
Oh, Fallopia, one day I'll find a way to win your heart.

Fallopia:
Maybe.