Shameless

Frank Gallagher:
[to a fish] Now you know what I feel like... Stop whinging! Drink more.

Frank Gallagher:
I had to wait 4 hours at A & E 'cause of someone queue hopping! Who cares if he was shot? He shot HIMSELF. Some people are so selfish.

Frank Gallagher:
Now, nobody's sayin the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me - Frank GALLAGHER - and me kids, who im proud of! 'Cause every single one of them reminds me a little... of me. They can all think for themselves! Which they've me to thank for. Fiona! Who's a massive help. Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him 'Philip' anymore. Ian - a lot like his mam which is handy for the others 'cause she's disappeared into thin air. And Carl! We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons; 1, it stands on end and makes him look like Toya and 2, nits love him. Debbie! Sent by God, total angel. You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour. Plus Liam! Gunna be a star! Once we've got the fits under control. Steve; Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there... NOT. Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica! Lend you anythin' - well, not anythin'. But all of them to a man... who knows first and formost the most vital necessity is this life is they know how to throw a PARTY! Heh heh... Scatter!

Frank Gallagher:
Word from the wise: get your stuff out quick sharp, otherwise he'll have your stereo in his veins before you can say Dolby surround sound.

Frank Gallagher:
Human misery - you can't get enough of it! Willing a bloke to chuck himself to his death so that you can have a bit of f***ing "entertainment"! Serves you right if he lands on your heads, you brainless c*nts.

Veronica:
[singing] Sunshine girl, I'm looking down your bra / I see two mountains, I wonder what they are / Won't you invite me to squeeze them tightly / Not bloody likely / You're such a girl.

Carol:
[Debbie has accidentally burnt Carl's anus while they were lighting farts] You're lucky the house didn't go up, rubbish he eats.

Ian Gallagher:
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in getting what we want, that we forget to ask ourselves why we wanted it in the first place.

[Steve tries to kiss Fiona]

Fiona Gallagher:
[shies away] I can't... [points to window]

Steve:
[sighs and spins her away from the window] About 90% of this world's problems are caused by little words that come in pairs. We're healthy and we're happy... Yet when anybody asks us, we say "not bad".

Steve:
[pauses and takes in shakey breath] You know when I saw you the first time dancing--this is about a month ago, by the way, in the process--I was desperate to buy you a drink. But you know what I said to myself? 'I can't.' 'She won't.' 'We wouldn't.'

Steve:
[pauses again and unbuckles belt] And then you're there again tonight and all indications being that I'm getting a second chance to make a good impression. So you say 'stop' and I'll stop.

Lip:
Fake Muslim cheats on white fundamentalist wife with gutless gay boy. Says more about United fans than it does about the rest of us.

Kev:
[it's the early hours of the morning and Frank has turned the radio up full blast] Do you know what time it is?

Steve:
Yeah, sorry Kev - it's Frank.

Kev:
[Kev barges in] What have I told you?

Steve:
Oi! Oi!

Frank Gallagher:
Oh, here we go - neighbours of Satan.

Kev:
The day you pay rent like some of us, Frank, you can play whatever sh*t you want, but until then if you're pumping it this time of night you play stuff that we like.

Steve:
Hey Debbie, why do they call him Lip?

Lip:
A. You stink, B. You're not as funny as you think you are and C. You whacked a bouncer, so you're gonna be dead soon so it's pointless getting to know you.

Carl Gallagher:
Stuff like that.

Steve:
Stuff like that yeah, boy meets death wish.

Steve:
About 90% of this world's problems are caused by little words that come in pairs. We're healthy and we're happy... Yet when anybody asks us, we say "not bad".

Fiona Gallagher:
Debbie missed him like mad, until she realised he was only a walk away and Sheila was lovely.

Frank Gallagher:
Is he still here?

Fiona Gallagher:
Steve, no he's nipped home to get changed.

Frank Gallagher:
Well, tell him not too bother coming back.

Fiona Gallagher:
Dad, he just spent 500 quid bailing you out.

Frank Gallagher:
And why would he do that, eh? When I woke up in France in the middle of a park looking like a f***ing dosser, all I could smell was orange air freshener, middle of a park, orange freshener. I've just spent five hours in the back of his car same? f***ing? smell! He did this.

Lip:
[talking about Frank who has just headbutted Ian] You should've twatted him back.

Ian Gallagher:
If I ever do that I'll kill him.

Lip:
So, seven years for murder, get laid as often as you want, tattoos. Gay heaven.

Steve:
[Steve walks into the kitchen and nicks one of Debbie's toast soldiers and dips into the yoke of Carl's fried egg] I bet you hate it when that happens.

Ian Gallagher:
They're his tits.

Steve:
What?

Ian Gallagher:
It's the only reason he does eggs and he's just licked that one.

Lip:
And with a stonking abscess so a bit more protein than you banked on, Steve!

Kev:
[after a girl says she wants a a different guy for each letter of the alphabet] Zack, I think you're in here mate.

Marty:
You know what they say about Marty.

Marty:
[tourettes tick] Marty

Marty:
Never misses a party!

Fiona Gallagher:
You're gonna fake it!

Veronica:
Why not?

Fiona Gallagher:
You can't

Veronica:
Why not? We'll still be married it just won't be legal!

Lip:
Theres a Buddhist saying that we get reincarnated till we've been, done and seen everything, Me Dad reckons he's way up that ladder to hear him talk you couldn't teach him a thing. I mean it's never occurred to him that he might just be thick as pig sh*t. If you want rid of him just start mentioning full-time work.

Veronica:
She never took him! She borrowed him... accidentally.

Frank Gallagher:
We've just kicked a confession out of ice cream Alec, he's admitted to dipping his nob in the tubs.

Sheila Jackson:
What, he took little Jody!

Frank Gallagher:
We don't know till he comes out of theatre!

Steve:
[narrating] The more time I spent with this family, the more I cessed that the lynchpins were actually the females.

Hippy Pete:
If that cat walks past me one more time with its tail in the air, it is getting one right up the ring because I am ten wanks beyond fussy!

Lip Gallagher:
It's good! Catches shop lifters, catches shirt lifters.

Fiona Gallagher:
We could say Dad's lost the plot, so a home visit's a bit awkward at the moment.

Lip:
We could say Dad's drank the plot.

Billy Wilson:
It's never little Fiona?

Veronica:
No, it's a little Veronica. F*** do you want?

Billy Wilson:
Mr. Wilson, housing officer.

Norma:
You abused her.

Frank Gallagher:
She asked me to!

Norma:
Walloping her?

Frank Gallagher:
What? When?

Sheila Jackson:
Frank, you never!

Frank Gallagher:
[to Sheila] F*** off!

[turns to Monica]

Frank Gallagher:
When?

Monica Gallagher:
That May Bank Holiday.

Frank Gallagher:
You hit me in the face with a pan of f***ing porridge!

Monica Gallagher:
And you hit me back!

Frank Gallagher:
So, Queensbury rules. You broke me nose and two front teeth, up to Casualty looking like Ann f***ing Widdecombe. You started it, you mad b*tch!

Debbie Gallagher:
Over the hills in a weird little land. Live fairies and goblins with more than two hands. Some gremlins they say, can come with four eyes. The dragons can scorch with the simplest of sighs. The scariest things to people like us, cos nothing can touch them, they're allergic to fuss. Until their mother appeared, started roaming their valley. Hiding and pouncing from damp, dark alleys. No noise, No chewing, No signs of a fight. Devouring the children with a plate of French fries. The b*tch as she's called in the company of elves. Brought this tormenting curse upon herself. She'd been on a bender and staggered home pissed. Found an eighth and some Rizlas and rolled out a spliff. Got the munchies and reached for the handiest snack. She hate her own kids and then spat them straight back. "Forgive me, my beauties, what a dreadful mistake!" The children can't hear her they've gone it's too late.

Frank Gallagher:
Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be... [shouts] a party!

Carl:
[Carl is drunk and staggering around the kitchen having a go at everyone] Same goes for you.

Veronica:
Me!

Carl:
Yeah, you!

Veronica:
Oh yeah.

Carl:
I don't like your bathroom!

Veronica:
[Veronica grabs carl by the chin] well stay out of it then smelly arse!

Kev:
Aw, leave him alone he's tanked.

Ian:
Who let him get like that?

Lip:
[points to Veronica] She did.

Veronica:
We're just celebrating the fact that you're not dead Ian! [he had a bad case of food poisoning]

Lip:
[hands a glass of milk to Carl] Come on Carl, drink this.

Carl:
[to Kash] And you, you robbing bastard!

Ian:
Carl, cut it out.

Carl:
How much are your Twix meant to be?

Kash:
49p

Carl:
So, how much are a quarter of midgie demmers meant to be?

Kash:
28p.

Carl:
Yeah, so how much is it meant to come to then, you robbing bastard!

Ian:
Carl, I'm warning you.

Kash:
77p!

Carl:
No, it's not, it's 77!

Kash:
Yeah! I said 77p!

Carl:
Did ya, OK, sorry, sorry, Kash, I love your shop and your daughter is a stunner. [Kash has a vision of Carl marrying his daughter and gets a look of horror on his face]

Frank:
[Frank wakes up in the snow, having just pissed himself] I didn't think we had a white duvet.

Sheila:
[while giving birth on the floor of the Gallagher living room] Give me another consonant, Carol!

Lillian:
According to Conrad, the meat's come from al-Qaeda. And if you scan the barcode, it comes up in Arabic. I mean, I'm not being a racist, but they're a f***ing nightmare, that lot!

Debbie Gallagher:
Oh, are you playing Maisonette?

Soldier:
No, Pontoon.

Debbie Gallagher:
Oh, we call it Maisonette. Because when you turn twenty-one, that's what you get off the council.

Steve:
It's not his baby.

[Fiona winces]

Steve:
It's yours.

Yvonne:
This is Mick. He's gonna be helping me out a couple of nights a week, so it's up to you which two nights you're dropping...

Ian Gallagher:
I knew it! You hard-faced, two-faced, sour-faced B*TCH!

Yvonne:
...and which two nights you want to work at The Jockey.

Frank Gallagher:
[Frank and Kev are watching Kev and Veronica's foster kid Eric through the school gates because they suspect he is being bullied. Frank spots a woman eyeing them suspiciously] You can take that look off your mush, you sour-faced b*tch. We're f***ing parents not perverts!

Carol Fisher:
A lady doesn't tell her age. You're as old as the man you feel.

Steve:
So, Father Polish? W-what are the origins of that name?

Father Polish:
Polish.

Mandy:
[about Lip's penis] If you stuck a bonnet on that, it would look like a microphone.

Lip:
You sing, I'll dance.

Frank Gallagher:
"Where's your Mama gone? Where's your Mama gone?" Used to sing that to the kids when Monica f***ed off, never a dry eye in the house, all shot off upstairs howling they did.

Fiona Gallagher:
[while eating a curry] Did Kash teach you how to cook this, Yvonne?

Yvonne:
Yeah, right. It's all tins with him, microwave goes off that often at our house kids think it's fire alarm.

Carl Gallagher:
[Ian has just thrown a used condom at Lip, which has missed him and landed on Carls head] What is it?

Ian Gallagher:
I dunno. Ey, but thank God we killed it!

Kev:
[talking about places Steve and Fiona could go for their Honeymoon] I recommend Barbados.

Fiona Gallagher:
Barbados! Where did you stay?

Kev:
No, I've never been, I just recommend Barbados.

Veronica:
In that case I recommend Palestine

[Kev and Fiona look at her confused]

Veronica:
I don't mean Palestine do I? Where did Beverly go?

Fiona Gallagher:
Dubai.

Veronica:
Dubai!

Carl Gallagher:
I'm moving outta this house.

Micky Maguire:
[Jamie Maguire has just beaten up his sister Mandy's boyfriend Joe outside the Jockey after he discovered the bruises on Mandy's body from where Joe had been repeatedly assaulting her. Jamie and the rest of the Maguire family are holding a pow-wow in the Jockey about what to do next] Well, what if he's dead?

Paddy Maguire:
Might be the best thing, can't squeal then

Jamie Maguire:
Well, if it comes to manslaughter, someone will talk

Micky Maguire:
He'll be nearly forty before he gets out

Mimi Maguire:
Over my dead body is that lad going back inside. Go and get yourself cleaned up, go on. [Jamie leaves the room and Mimi gathers the others round] One of us will take the rap

Shane Maguire:
You confess? Go on remand?

Mimi Maguire:
And it can't be your father

Shane Maguire:
Why not? [Kelly sn*ggers and Paddy glares at her]

Micky Maguire:
Well, I've no previous, maybe I should confess

Kelly Ball:
And it can't be Shane

Kelly Ball:
[Mimi glares at Kelly] He's just got over a bleedin' stroke. Why should he go down for eight years, just because Mandy's got sh*t taste in men?

Mimi Maguire:
Are you going to let Anytime Annie, do your talking for you?

Shane Maguire:
Look, if I thought it would go with a Section 20, I might think about it

Micky Maguire:
Well, like I said, I don't mind

Mimi Maguire:
Stop your bleating, Mickey. A doe-eyed waif like you would be passed from man to man like dysentery in a death camp. Is that what you want?

Mimi Maguire:
[Everyone looks at each other for a few seconds in silence, until Mimi breaks the silence] So, I did it, then? I took him out?

Paddy Maguire:
You selfish f***ing prick of a f*** [Paddy stands up to thump Shane, but Kelly moves in blocking Paddy's way]

Mimi Maguire:
There's no time for that, Paddy, they're all my babies. A Mam's got to do what a Mam's go to do.