SpongeBob SquarePants

[SpongeBob appears on the horizon]

Sandy Cheeks:
Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty. [whispers] There he is Patrick, say your line.

Patrick:
[picks up paper]Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite. [on the verge of tears] I sure wish he'd come home. Take bite.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh, tartar sauce.

[repeated line]

Mermaid Man:
EVIL!

Patrick:
The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma [thought bubble for Patrick shows a carton of milk tipping over and spilling]

Mr. Krabs:
Squidward what's going on in here?

Squidward:
[ To Krabs. ] Why don't you go ask Cowbob Ranchpants and his fateful companion Sir Eats A Lot?

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob what's the meaning of all these nicknames? (Eyes gasp) DAVY'S JONES!!!!

Spongebob:
Mystery got bellyache from eating Krabby Patties so I made her a bicarbonate of soda.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I guess Grampa SquarePants was right: Never run for a bus... [Imitates Grampa SquarePants]... especially one that's going up at a 90 degree angle.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm every bit as good as Larry, and if I'm not, then may I be struck by... [rumble of thunder]... a flying ice cream truck. [a shadow forms over SpongeBob; chimes play] And live! [the flying ice cream truck stops short of crushing Spongebob]

Larry the Lobster:
[on megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.

Mermaid Man:
That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime [snaps fingers] just like that [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]

Atomic Flounder:
Help, somebody there!

SpongeBob:
You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!

Mermaid Man:
No, lad! Don't!

SpongeBob:
But you said he could snap [snaps fingers] like that.

Atomic Flounder:
What? Get off me! If I weren't retired I'd... I can... [Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]... do that. Out of my way punk.

Fred:
My leg!

Elderly lady:
Someone outta put you in a mental hospital!

Plankton:
[yells] Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, grandma!

Elderly lady:
[pauses, sadly]... you're probably right.

[opening sequence]

Painting:
Are you ready kids?

Kids:
Aye Aye Captain!

Painting:
I can't hear you!

Kids:
Aye Aye Captain!

Painting, Kids:
Ohhhh... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

Painting:
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!

Kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

Painting:
If nautical nonsense be somethin' you wish.

Kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

Painting:
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!

Painting, Kids:
Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePannnnnts!

[Hearty laugh]

[SpongeBob plays flute using his nose]

Squidward:
[Curls into a ball and rocks back and forth] Future... Future... Future... [Spongetron drops a brick on his head]... Thanks.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Bye Squidward! Bye Mr. Krabs! Bye Squidward!

Patrick:
You said bye to Squidward twice.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[grins huge, pauses, dreamily] I liiiike Squidward.

[Patrick chases Spongebob into the Krusty Krab kitchen while picking his nose]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold!

Mr. Krabs:
Gold? [eagerly runs into the kitchen, in search of the gold in question, but comes out with nothing]

Squidward:
Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?

Mr. Krabs:
He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.

Patrick:
Patrick: You should work out more.

Squidward:
Squidward: Well, why don't I just start right now? After all, I got a couple of dumbbells right here. [laughs]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Umm, Squidward you're stepping on my foot.

Squidward:
Oh, sorry SpongeBob

Patrick:
And you got you're elbow in my ribs!

Squidward:
Eeew... Patrick!

Patrick:
And stop stepping in my potato salad!

Squidward:
[Patrick gets close to Squidward in the well] Stop standing so close to me Patrick, you're making me claustrophobic.

Patrick:
What does that mean?

SpongeBob:
It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.

Patrick:
HO HO HO! Hehehe...

Patrick:
Where is "Leaving Bikini Bottom?"

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Where did you see that?

Patrick:
We just passed a sign: "You are now in 'Leaving Bikini Bottom."

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[looks out the window] What?

Patrick:
What's wrong, SpongeBob?

[SpongeBob sees a sign reading "Bikini Bottom City Limits"]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Patrick, I think we're on the wrong...

[bus careens down a ravine; SpongeBob and Patrick are slammed to the back by the force of the fall]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
...bus!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is... ADVANCED darkness. Hey, if I close my eyes it doesn't seem so dark.

Mr. Krabs:
Patrick, you're fired.

Patrick:
But I don't even work here.

Mr. Krabs:
How would you like a job, starting right now?

Patrick:
Boy, would I.

Mr. Krabs:
You're fired.

Patrick:
Hey Spongebob, the bus is here!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[tries to catch up to the bus]

Patrick:
SPONGEBOB!

Mr. Krabs:
Gold, gold, gold!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, Mr. Krabs. You're a sweaty!

Flying Dutchman:
Who dug up the Dutchman's treasure?

Mr. Krabs:
They did.

Flying Dutchman:
So, you two scalawags dug up my treasure, did you?

[Patrick and SpongeBob are shaking and crying]

Flying Dutchman:
Well, you saved me a lot of digging, you did, so here's a reward for the two of yous.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wow!

Chorus:
Two gold doubloons!

Mr. Krabs:
Wait! I'm the captain of this crew. Where's my reward?

Flying Dutchman:
I guess you're right. Here's a little something for your trouble.

Mr. Krabs:
Gold! Gold... Wait, it's just a little plastic treasure chest.

Chorus:
Plastic!

Flying Dutchman:
Aye, but it's based on a real treasure. [Leaves]

Patrick:
Gee, Mr. Krabs. You're looking all sweaty again.

Mr. Krabs:
Now put on this pirate garb so I'm not embarrased to be seen with you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wow! Look, Patrick. Peg legs and eye patches.

Mr. Krabs:
Now, don't you feel like real pirates?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Wearing pegs on both legs] Look, I'm Peggy the Pirate. Whoa! [Trips and falls]

Patrick:
[Wearing patches on both eyes] I'm Blindbeard the Pirate. Whoa! [Trips and falls over SpongeBob]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Okey-dokey, then.

Mr. Krabs:
A pirate does not say "Okey-dokey, then." A pirate says "Argh!"

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Okay-do... Oops! I mean, Argh, Captain Krabs. [He spies a reef straight ahead] Captain, we're about to hit... I mean, Argh - Cap, Argh! - we're - Argh! - about - Argh! to - Argh! - hit - Argh!...

Mr. Krabs:
Out with it, Man! Argh!

Patrick:
I think - Argh! - he's trying - Argh! - to say - Argh! - that we're - Argh! about to... [They crash] Land.

Mr. Krabs:
Argh. From now on, only the captain gets to say "Argh!"

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm so loyal, I don't mind sleeping out in the cold, hard ground while Captain Krabs sleeps in his warm, dry tent.

Patrick:
I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Patrick, we've been out only a few hours.

Patrick:
I know.

Clerk Fish:
Next? Pbth!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Finaly! I'm next! When's the next bus to Bikini Bottom?

Clerk Fish:
What?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
The bus schedule, the next bus?

Clerk Fish:
I can't - Pbth! - understand - Pbth! - your accent.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
The next - Pbth! bus - Pbth! - to Bikini - Pbth! - Bottom - Pbththth!

Clerk Fish:
Oh - Pbth! Why didn't you say so? Pbth! Next bus leaves in - Pbth! - five seconds. [Bus leaves] Oh, tough break, kid. Pbth! That's the last one 'till morning. Pbth!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh - Pbth! no -Pbth! - you don't! Pbth!

Clerk Fish:
Good night! Pbth!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hold it! Pbth! I'm not through here! Pbth! I demand that you come back here and get me a bus to Bikini Bottom! Until then, I'm not leaving this spot! Pbth! Pbth! Pbththth!

Mr. Krabs:
So, you think old Mr. Krabs has gone crazy, do ye?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, Mr. Krabs! We don't think that at all!

Patrick:
I think that.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sure it weird around here. Kinda different. [picks up a handful of dirt] Even the soil looks different.

Soil:
Would you - Ptbht! - mind - Ptbht! - putting me down?

Patrick:
SpongeBob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. Look! I can't even tell the bathrooms apart! [Close up of bathroom doors show one with a question mark, the other with an upside-down question mark]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Uh, that's an easy one, Pat. Uh, just wait for someone to come out, and then you'll know. [a weird, unidentifiable creature comes out of one of the bathrooms] Maybe we should wait for one more. [More weird creatures come out of the bathrooms]

Patrick:
I still can't read the sign! I wanna go home!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I want a bus to Bikini Bottom! I am first in line, and no one's going to tell me otherwise! [a fierce-looking creature behind him growls] Second! I am second in line! [Moves down, finds another creature] Third! Third is good. [Walks down to a third creature] Fourth, not bad. [eventually reaches the end of the line] Three-hundred and twenty-nine! I am three-hundreth and twenty-ninth in line, and nobody forget it!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Hears a razz in the dark] Who's there? [Razz] Well, that place will be there tomorrow. I guess I'd better keep walking. [Razz] Running. Better start running. Running. [Razz] Sprinting! Yes, I just gotta keep sprinting! [Runs into a wall] Sitting... sitting... bleeding.

Flying Dutchman:
[talking in his sleep, snoring] I'm the Flying Dutchman, I'm the Flying Dutchman. [here's a noise outside] Who DARES wake the Flying Dutchman?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[waiting for the bus] Getting hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World.

[takes candy from dispenser, then spits it out]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Eww! Glove-flavored.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I guess Grampa SquarePants was right: Never run for a bus...

[Imitates Grampa SquarePants]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
...especially one that's going up at a 90 degree angle.

SpongeBob:
[angry] When I need a JOB done I get someone with a JOB to do that JOB!

Squidward:
What are you saying?

Squidward:
SpongeBob, the remotes broken. Get over here and fix it.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I have a better idea. Why don't I get someone whose *job* it is to fix it. See cause when I need a *job* done, I get somebody with a *job* to do that *job*.

Squidward:
What are you saying?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Aaaaah! [screams loudly and pushes Squidward's bed to the Krusty Krab]

Old Man:
Hey, I saw you on TV last night.

SpongeBob:
You did?

Old Man:
Yeah, you were in a commercial.

SpongeBob:
You're right. I was.

[Bran Flakes Cereal commercial is played]

SpongeBob:
Well, I have to go to work. See you later, old man.

Old Man:
See you later, Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.

Old Man Jenkins:
Hey, I saw you on TV last night!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[delighted] Oh, did you? How nice!

Old Man Jenkins:
[cue shot of Bran Flakes box] You were very good on that advert.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Why, thank you sir! Bye bye!

Old Man Jenkins:
[while Spongebob walks away] You are a good cereal box!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Squidward, what in Neptune's name is going on here?

Squidward:
We're making a commercial.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
What you're doing is wasting all my money. I told you to rent out only what's absolutely necessary.

Squidward:
This is all absolutely necessary.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Then what's all this useless junk?

Squidward:
That's the useless junk for scene, uh, 28.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Then how do you explain that? A second Krusty Krab.

Squidward:
Everyone needs an understudy.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
[Looking at his look-alike] Well, you got me there. But what about him? [Points to a clown]

Squidward:
This job can get very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward:
I can be anything I set my mind to. I can be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Or a football-playing king in space, with a moustache.

Squidward:
Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, that reminds me. There's something I've always wanted to tell you since the first day I met you: Goodbye.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy, and what could be better than handing out smiles?

Squidward:
Being dead, or anything else.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I never knew you felt so strongly about it.

Squidward:
Where have you been?

Squidward:
Are you accussing me of something?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you stole it; two, you stole it; or three, you stole it!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Give to the Children's fund? What have the children ever done for me?

[SpongeBob falls down the stairs into the living room]

Gary:
[apathetically] Meow...

SpongeBob:
[gasps in anger] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!

Narrator:
Three weeks later...

SpongeBob:
[exhausted] He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back.

[falls down]

Narrator:
Many months later...

SpongeBob:
[totally exhausted] I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough.

[falls down again]

New Narrator:
So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.

[SpongeBob crawls into the living room now exhausted than ever]

Gary:
[annoyed] Meow, meow, meow!

SpongeBob:
[furious] I know he's still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Where's Spongebob?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Under the ground] Down here, sir.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
What are you doing down there, boy?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward said I can help by burying myself.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Well, get out of there. I need you to help with the commercial.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Me, in the Krusty Krab commercial, me!

[SpongeBob has discovered that Squidward is homeless]

Squidward:
Don't you get it? I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!

SpongeBob:
[gasps] Even your paintings?

Squidward:
Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them.

[Squidward's stomach is shown in the shape of a picture frame, and then Squidward openly sobs]

SpongeBob:
[to Gary] Squidward is not a freeloader and he would never take advantage of me.

Mr. Krabs:
[counting] one, two, blue, applesauce...

Squidward Tentacles:
[after the bus crashes in Atlantis] You nymwits haven't been here for 2 minutes, and you've already ruined someone's topiary garden!

Lord Royal Highness:
[to SpongeBob and Patrick] Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make ready for tonight's dinner, so I'm just going to leave you two friendly strangers alone with our most beloved, ancient, and fragile Atlantean relic.

Lord Royal Highness:
My, those pockets of yours certainly have a nose for treasure!

Mr. Krabs:
These are me houndstooth pants.

Squidward Tentacles:
You b*obs found the second half of the Atlantean amulet?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What's an Atlantean omelette?

Squidward Tentacles:
*Amulet*, not omelette!

Patrick Starfish:
We destroyed your oldest and most prized possession! [There is a pause during which Lord Royal Highness looks utterly horrified]

Lord Royal Highness:
[laughing] If there's one thing we Atlanteans enjoy, it's a healthy dose of dark humour!

Lord Royal Highness:
Gentlemen, what *is* art?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[jumping excitedly, a hand in the air] Oh! Me, me! I know, I know!

Squidward Tentacles:
[shoving SpongeBob out of the way] I thought you'd never ask! Art is a conscious arrangement of elements that affects the sense of beauty!

Lord Royal Highness:
Not even close. Art is what happens when you learn... to *dream*.

Customer:
[Patrick is taking the phone calls at Krusty Krab and the phone rings] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
No, this is Patrick.

[hangs up]

Customer:
[phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
[annoyed] No, this is Patrick.

[hangs up]

Customer:
[phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
[infuriated] NO!!! THIS IS PATRICK!!!

[hangs up; to himself and folds arms] I'm not a Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Uh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.

Patrick:
Huh? Ah, Fish Paste!

Fish:
Hey, pal. You just blew in from Stupid Town?

Patrick Star:
It was sure nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job at the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
And at $50 an hour. When I started out, I had to pay Mr. Krabs $100 an hour.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Bubble Buddy's thirsty.

Squidward Tentacles:
How about a glass of our finest shampoo?

[Laughs]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sounds great.

[Squidward stops laughing and goes to get the shampoo]

Squidward Tentacles:
Here's your hair product, sir.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Bubble Buddy likes bendy straws.

[Squidward bends the straw]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Huh, what's that? Bubble Buddy says it tastes funny. What do you think?

Squidward Tentacles:
Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
[chews the food for an elderly custormer] Think of the customer.

Squidward Tentacles:
[Tastes shampoo] Oh, silly me. I brought the diet shampoo.

Mr. Krabs:
He owes me money!

Squidward:
He made me provide excellent service!

SpongeBob:
It's his first time on his own.

Fish:
[sarcastic] Congratulations.

Patrick:
I wanna defeat the giant monkey man and save the ninth dimension.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Me too. But that sounds a little too hard. Let's try smaller.

Patrick:
I wanna defeat the little monkey man and save the eighth dimension.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
But you're Patrick *Star*. You could do anything you want!

Patrick:
That's easy for you to say. You're Sponge*Bob*.

[Patrick has accidentally received an award of Spongebob's in the mail]

Patrick:
Spongebob Squarepants? That's a funny way to spell my name.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You know what else is shiny?

Patrick:
Ice-cream!

SpongeBob Squarepants:
[points at Patrick] YOU'RE COPYING ME!

Patrick:
[imitates Spongebob and points back] YES!

Squidward Tentacles:
He's an inanimate object. His money's no good here.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
[Comes out of the cash register] What are you saying, Mr. Squidward? Everyone's money is good here. [Cut to an escaped convict eating a Krabbby Patty] At the Krusty Krab, we serves all kinds.

Squidward Tentacles:
Mr. Krabs, I'm not taking an order for a bubble!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Sure you are, or I'll fill your life with misery and woe. [Goes back inside the register, then pops out again] Even if you quit.

Narrator:
For SpongeBob SquarePants, every day is a holiday, even if he has to make one up.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Gets out of bed wearing a viking helmet and braided beard] Hey everybody! Happy Leif Ericson Day! Hinga-dinga-dergen!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[after Bubble Buddy leaves] And to think this morning I was holding his bottle. They blow up so fast.

SpongeBob:
From now on I am on round the clock butt patrol.

The Flying Dutchman:
OK Krabs, I'll let you stay. But first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between Spongebob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?

Mr. Krabs:
That depends. How much money we talking about?

SpongeBob:
Mr Krabs?

The Flying Dutchman:
62 cents.

Mr. Krabs:
I'll take the money.

SpongeBob:
Mr Krabs!

[about to eat a tainted patty]

Mr. Krabs:
Good enough to eat.

[Cuts to an ambulaince driving]

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, look, an ambulance. Now then...

Mr. Krabs:
Why's it in a cage?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Because it growled at me.

[Krabby Patty Growls]

Patrick:
I guess I'll have to find a new best friend. Hey. Squidward.

Squidward:
NO.

Patrick:
That penny has the most beautiful voice.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Snowboarding] Hey, Sandy! Watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.

Squidward:
Stop naming moves after me.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Imitating Squidward] Everybody's an idiot except me.

Squidward:
Well, it's true.

Sandy Cheeks:
Don't you have to go be stupid somewhere else?

Patrick:
Not until four.

The Flying Dutchman:
Next stop, Davy Jones' locker! [Transports Mr. Krabs to a locker room] Here we are!

Mr. Krabs:
Why does it smell so foul?

The Flying Dutchman:
Davy Jones works out a lot. These are his gym socks.

Doctor:
Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.

SpongeBob:
My what has a what now?

Doctor:
Your butt's all better. It's really quite amazing. It took 20 hours to put it all back together. We actually ran out of staples, so we had to use a glue stick. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky luck boy. But next time I want you to be more careful. One more injury like that, and you could end up like that poor creature there, in the iron butt.

Iron Butt Fish:
Oh, man. It itches.

Doctor:
Well, Mr. Krabs, you gave us quite a scare.

Mr. Krabs:
Am I going to be okay?

Doctor:
Well, if you don't want to take my word for it, let's just check out your chart.

Doctor:
[Reads chart] Let's see... Oh no. Oh no! This is terrible!

Mr. Krabs:
Is everything all right, doc?

Doctor:
Don't come near me! Ahh!

[Runs away]

Mr. Krabs:
That's not a good sign.

[Mr. Krabs cries as he mistakenly traded SpongeBob to the Flying Dutchman]

The Flying Dutchman:
[angry] Here, take him back!

Mr. Krabs:
You heard what I said about the money?

The Flying Dutchman:
Heard what you said? I couldn't hear myself thinking with this one around. I only had him for 30 seconds! And it's jellyfishing this and MermaidMan that! Why, not giving him back is a fate worse than death! He's your problem now!

[disappears laughing furiously]

[last lines]

SpongeBob:
[now ripped in half by the gorilla] Patrick? Sandy?

Patrick, Sandy Cheeks:
[in unison, tied in a sack] Yes, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore, but I'm terrifed of gorillas now.

Sandy Cheeks:
Oh, that's alright, SpongeBob. Us too.

SpongeBob:
You know what I don't understand though?

SpongeBob:
[other half] What?

SpongeBob:
What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place?

[the gorilla's eyes widen up in shock]

Gorilla:
[nervously] Well, that's funny, you should - I mean, you see that - George, they're onto us!

George:
Let's get out of here!

[the gorilla and the horse run away into the sunset as Sandy, Patrick, and SpongeBob watch them, a family is watching this as the mom and dad look at each other, the dad shuts off the TV as the screen goes to black]

The Flying Dutchman:
Who dares back sass the Flying Dutchman?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That would be me, SpongeBob Back-sassPants!

SpongeBob:
[Goes into sand and shows his face to Sandy] Look I'm Sandy! [Sandy laughs]

SpongeBob:
[Spoungebob is Squidward] [Deep Voice] Hey Sandy who am I? [Sandy Laughs]

SpongeBob:
[Sand phone rings] [Imitating Squidward] Hello Spongebob? Could you keep it down? I'm trying to be boring here.

SpongeBob:
[Spongebob has 20 Sand Pizzas] Did anyone order 20 Pepperoni and Sand Pizzas? [Sandy laughs]

SpongeBob:
[after almost drowning in water] I ripped my pants.

Sandy Cheeks:
[angry] That wasn't funny Spongebob. You had me worried sick!

[SpongeBob washes ashore after wiping out]

Lifeguard:
Hey, look. A cardboard box washed up on the beach. [Looks through spyglass] Holy fish paste! It's a guy! [Runs over] Why? Why? *Why?*

Sandy Cheeks:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I need... I need...

Lifeguard:
What do you need, son?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
A tailor. Because I ripped my pants!

[Everyone leaves, disgusted]

Sandy Cheeks:
That wasn't funny, SpongeBob! Y'all had me worried sick!

SpongeBob:
Good morning, sir. Would you like to blow a bubble?

Patrick Star:
How much is it?

SpongeBob:
One quarter.

Patrick Star:
Sounds reasonable. Uhh... [whispering] I'm going to have to borrow a quarter.

SpongeBob:
Here you go. [Hands Patrick a quarter]

Patrick Star:
Ah, one quarter. [Gives it back to SpongeBob; he tests it to see if it's real, then puts it in his pocket]

SpongeBob:
Thank you.

Squidward:
Hmm. Business is booming.

Squidward:
How did I ever get stuck with such loser neighbors?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Ripped pants a la mode!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
And now, with the addition of two - Count'em, two - marshmallows.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
First go like this, spin around - stop! Double-take three times... one, two, three. Then... pelvic thrust! Woo! Woo! Stop on your right foot - Don't forget it! Now it's time to bring it around town. Bring it around town! Then you do this, and that, this and that, and this and that, and then...

[blows bubble]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, everybody! Not ripped pants...

[Rips out pants]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Pants ripped off. Someone call the police, there's a pants thief on the loose.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
You wouldn't know cool if I locked you in the freezer!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, for your information, Squidward has locked me in the freezer, so I think I know what cool is.

Barnacle Boy:
[to Mermaid Man] I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra!

Barnacle Boy:
You've lost Mermaid Man, and the superhero and super-villain rules say you have to give in to my demands.

Mermaid Man:
Okay, what do you want?

Man-Ray:
World domination. Tell him we want world domination.

The Dirty Bubble:
Oh, and make him eat dirt.

[Man-Ray gives him a curious look]

The Dirty Bubble:
In addition to the domination thing.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Would you like to buy some chocolate?

Chocolate Fish:
Chocolate? Did you say... chocolate?

Patrick:
Yes, with or without nuts.

Chocolate Fish:
Chocolate? CHOCOLATE? CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE! [SpongeBob and Patrick run away]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
We're not doing so well Patrick. We need a better approach; a new tactic.

Patrick:
I know, let's get naked.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate.

[Mermaid Man is talking about his super hero costume]

Mermaid Man:
Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?

[pulls on his costume's "underwear" and snaps it]

Squidward:
I can think of three good reasons.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are selling chocolate]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer.

[knocks on door]

Fish:
Hello?

Patrick:
I love you.

[Fish slams door]

Mermaid Man:
You fiends can't win. You're out-numbered.

Barnacle Boy:
You senile bag of fish paste. There are three of us and only one of you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Make that two.

ManRay:
The Quickster.

Squidward:
three.

Barnacle Boy:
Captain Magma.

Patrick:
Four.

The Dirty Bubble:
The Elastic Waistband.

Sandy:
Five.

Barnacle Boy:
M-M-M-Miss Appear.

Mermaid Man:
And me makes 10. I think.

Chocolate Fish:
[shouting] CHOCOLATE!

SpongeBob:
No! No! Noooo!

Chocolate Fish:
AHAHAHA! FINALLY! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I've got you right where I want you...

Chocolate Fish:
[normal voice, holding up a pile of cash] I'd like to buy all your chocolate.

SpongeBob:
[chocolate falls out of Patrick's pants and he and SpongeBob melt] Thank you for your patronage.

Squidward:
Ah, Makeout Reef. Good times, good times.

SpongeBob:
How about we help you?

Mermaid Man:
No, that's a terrible idea! I've got it! How about *you* help *me*?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Quick, Patrick, without thinking: if you could have anything right now, what would it be?

Patrick:
Um... more time for thinking.

Even OLDER Lady:
Ahh, chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate... I always hated it!

[Spongebob and Patrick have decided to use lies and flattery to sell their chocolate]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[to Elderly Lady] Hello, "young" lady. [winks at Patrick] We're selling chocolates. Is your mother home?

Elderly lady:
[shouts] Ma! [tiny wrinkled worm of a fish in a wheelchair comes out of the house]

Even OLDER Lady:
What?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What was the reason we bought those bags?

Patrick:
Um... he said we were mediocre.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Right! He made us feel special.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[SpongeBob and Patrick are selling chocolate] Remember, Patrick. Flatter the customer. Make him feel good. [knocks on door]

Customer:
Hello?

Patrick:
I love you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Looking through the magazine Fancy Living Digest with Patrick] Look at all these glossy pictures of a higher standard of living! [pointing at a picture] This guy's so rich he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!

Patrick:
[Pointing at a picture of a rich guy surrounded by bags of money] This guy's got shoes!

Mermaid Man:
Now, who wants to save the world?

SpongeBob:
I do!

Patrick:
I do!

Sandy Cheeks:
I do!

Squidward:
I don't.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, yes you do, no world means no money, so either save the world, or you're fired!

[Squidward sighs]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Selling chocolate door-to-door] Hello, sir, would you like to buy some chocolate?

Fish:
Chocolate? Chocolate! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!

Squidward:
I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick:
Like a genie!

Squidward:
My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane drivel that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Gee, SquidWard, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said.

Patchy:
[a hand rings a bell three times] Three bells! You know what that means, kids!

Kids:
Free ice cream!

Patchy:
[laughing] No, you silly livers...

[sternly]

Patchy:
No!

Potty:
Man overboard?

Patchy:
You I'm ignoring.

Squidward:
I order the food, you cook the food, the customer gets the food. We do that for 40 years, and then we die. That seems like a good deal to me, what do you say?

[talking about wild horse he found]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
She seems mysterious, so I'll call her Mystery. Come to think of it, she also seems graceful and majestic. Maybe I should call her Grace, or Majesty, or Debbie.

Mr. Krabs:
What was that?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I was just doing my impression of Mystery. Wee-snaw.

Mr. Krabs:
Well, keep working on it. That was terrible.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mystery, you ate my hat.

[Mystery burps out half-eaten spatula]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mystery, you ate my spatula! You ate all the Krabby Patties! You ate the stove! You ate old man Jenkins!

Old Man Jenkins:
[from inside Mystery] I don't want to be a burden.

Squidward Tentacles:
Shut your half-wit pieholes!

SpongeBob:
Mystery got a belly ache from eating too many krabby patties, so I made her a bicarbonate of soda.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I better call a doctor... 'cause I've got spring fever!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Good morning, Squidward. Lovely spring day, isn't it?

Squidward:
Hmph.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Have you said hello to the flowers today?

Squidward:
Hello. [the flowers hiss at Squidward; he shrieks and runs back inside]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I didn't know Squidward had hay fever. I shall do him a kindness and plant some hypoallergenic flowers.

Mr. Krabs:
Ahh! A monster, scaring away me customers!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's no monster, Mr. Krabs. That's my seahorse. She's my friend. I call her Mystery.

Mr. Krabs:
You're a mystery, SpongeBob.

Squidward:
Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery?

Squidward:
[to Krabs. ] Why don't you go and ask Cowbob Ranchpants and his friend sir Eat-a-lot.

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob. What's with all the nicknames?

SpongeBob:
So this is what it feels like. The big time! With this mop, I shape my destiny!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[sings to cheer up and encourage Plankton] 'F' is for friends who do stuff together, 'U' is for you and me, 'N' is for anytime or anywhere at all...

Chorus:
Down here in the deep blue sea!

Plankton:
'F' is for fire that burns down the whole town, 'U' is for Uranium bombs. 'N' is for no survivors when you...

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Plankton, those things aren't what F.U.N. is all about. Now do it like this. 'F' is for friends who...

Plankton:
Never! It's completely idiotic.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Here at the Krusty Krab, you are the captain, and I am your cabin boy. You just give the word, and I'll throw myself in the brig! May I take your order?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought Plankton had changed.

Mr. Krabs:
Don't blame yourself, boy. No friendship can withtstand the allure of a Krabby Patty. Now, let's go back to the Krusty Krab and have a fresh one, on me.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Aye aye, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
Well, maybe at a discount.

Squidward:
Good evening, and welcome to the first Annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show. Sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty... 'cause no one else would give it a home.

SpongeBob:
Play with me.

Plankton:
You know how to induce thermo-nuclear fusion?

Squidward:
["Talent Night" Audience is booing and throwing food at Squidward] You bottom feeders! You don't even KNOW talent!

Audience:
NO TALENT! NO TALENT!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[to Plankton, who is in disguise in front of a magic shop] Have you seen a Krabby Patty? It's about this tall, and... Wow, a magic shop! Are you a magician? One time, I saw a magician, and he did this thing, and then... well, anyway, he said that if you believe in yourself, and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams can come true.

Plankton:
Augh! I can't take it!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Plankton! It's you!

Plankton:
Yes, and after all these years, I thought I was the master of torture. But that! That just wasn't fair!

Plankton:
That naive cube! How long must I suffer this?

Karen:
You're not letting him get away, are you? Can't you see? This is the perfect opportunity for revenge.

Plankton:
Elaborate.

Karen:
Befriend the SpongeBob, then, when the timing is just right, take the Krabby Patty.

Plankton:
Take the Krabby Patty.

Karen:
Get moving, genius. Don't let him get away.

Plankton:
All right, it's true! I tricked you to get to the Krabby Patty, but then you showed me friendship, and now I realize that's all I ever really wanted.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Really?

Plankton:
No, not really. Being evil is too much fun!

Mr. Krabs:
As you know, profits are way down this month. We need a new gimmick to bring in customers. Do you lubbers have any ideas?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
How about this? A free pair of socks with every purchase. Or maybe, Double Patty Midnight Madness! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! How about Mouth Full of Clams Day? Anyone who comes in with a mouth full of clams gets a free drink. Huh? Huh?

Mr. Krabs:
I don't get it. If a free salad bar won't bring in new customers... what will?

Squidward:
The only culture that guy has is in his tennis shoes.

Plankton:
All knees will bow to Plankton! Hail Plankton! I win! I win!

SpongeBob:
I think you're a winner.

Plankton:
[sobbing] What did you say?

SpongeBob:
I said I think you're a...

Chorus:
Loser!

Squidward:
How does it feel to be the most hated person in Bikini Bottom? Doesn't feel good, does it? I know.

Mr. Krabs:
[Mr Krabs has put a Krabby Patty out to tempt Plankton, but it's still on the table when Plankton and Spongebob leave] Maybe the lad's right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight.

[the Krabby patty falls over, revealing that it has been replaced with a cardboard cutout]

Mr. Krabs:
And maybe SCALLOPS'LL FLY OUTTA ME PANTS!

Mr. Krabs:
[Mr. Krabs has put a Krabby Patty out to tempt Plankton, but it's still on the table when Plankton and Spongebob leave] Well, maybe the lad's right. Maybe Plankton HAS gone straight.

[the Krabby patty falls over, revealing that it has been replaced with a cardboard cutout]

Mr. Krabs:
And maybe scallops'll fly outta me pants!

Gary the Snail:
[Doing performance poetry] Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

Sandy Cheeks:
Oh, he has such a way with words!

Plankton:
That naive cube.

Gordon:
[the vikings have kidnapped Spongebob and Squidward] Now that you're part of our crew, I guess we should introduce ourselves. [punches one viking on the chest] This is Olaf. [slaps another viking on the chest] And this is Olaf. [points to another viking] And this is Olaf. [points to another viking] This... is Olaf, Olaf, Olaf, Olaf... [comes up to one more viking; tries to think] And... um...

Olaf:
[grunting] Olaf.

Gordon:
Olaf.

Squidward:
So, let me guess: your name must be...

Gordon:
That's right, Gordon.

Spongebob:
Nice to meet ya.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I used to have a dream.

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I know we're a prophecy and all, but I don't think we can defeat a dragon with our bare hands.

Patrick Star:
Yeah. We need some gloves.

Squidward Tentacles:
[as Squidley] O dark knight, spare us please / Don't cut off our heads or boil our knees / Pray, take these two and let me go free / And I will give to thee some... cheese.

Sandy Cheeks:
[as the Dark Knight] By the hammer of Odin, this be a new fighting style mine eyes have not yet seen.

Sandy Cheeks:
[as the Dark Knight] You have bested me, yellow knight. Strike quick and true, noble sponge.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I don't understand a word you just said.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[about to be arrested] Wait, you don't understand! We're not from here!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
[as King Krabs] That's because you're witches who were sent by Planktanamor to destroy me.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, we're time travelers.

[Krabs growls]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[gulps] Help me out here, Patrick.

Patrick Star:
I'm not sure there's anything I can add at this point.

Squidward Tentacles:
[as Squidley] Perhaps a soothing limerick will calm thee. [sings] There once was a dragon so handsome and smart/ He let me go free, for he had a big heart.

[jellyfish dragon zaps him]

Squidward Tentacles:
Everyone be-eth a critic.

Plankton:
I'll never get the formula with Krabs popping in and out like that. I've got it! I've been saving this for a rainy day. [holds up a penny] It looks like an ordinary penny, because it *is* an ordinary penny! That fool Krabs is too greedy to resist you, my little pretty.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I made you this sweater... Do you love it?

Squidward:
It's a little itchy. What's it made out of?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Eyelashes.

[in a robotic Mr. Krabs]

Computer:
Coin-operated self-destruct sequence activated. Five seconds till detonation.

Plankton:
Coin-operated Self-destruct, not one of my better ideas.

Mr. Krabs:
You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears... and you kill him. How are you going to live with yourself?

Squidward:
Kill him?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and may only be discussed, in part or in whole, with its creator Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply. Results may vary.

Plankton:
You can't do this to me Krabs! I went to college! Ouch

Krabs:
That Plankton is a clever beast You gotta keep a sharp eye out for him boy

Mr. Krabs:
So, you tried to kill me over a little new age management, eh?

Mr. Krabs:
I've seen this before. When that pie steps up to bat - I mean, hits his lower intestine - Boom!

Squidward:
You've seen this before?

Mr. Krabs:
Eleven times, as a matter of fact.

Mr. Krabs:
Plankton!

Plankton:
Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
Plankton!

Plankton:
Krabs!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. As long as these pants are square, and this sponge is Bob, I will not let you down!

Mr. Krabs:
[SpongeBob has hoisted him up] Uh, SpongeBob? Could you let me down?

Fish:
Oh these are'nt home made, they were made in a factory.

Fish:
A bomb factory.

Fish:
They're bombs!

Squidward:
What is the most fun thing you've always wanted to do?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Actually, I keep a list of the most fun things I like to do.

Squidward:
Great. Let's see it.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
The things that are extra fun are written in red.

Squidward:
Everything's in red!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yeah, I know!

Mr. Krabs:
Just remember the most important rule.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No free napkins?

Mr. Krabs:
No! The other most important rule, regarading the secret formula.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Only discuss the secret formula with Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
Right you are! Just remember that, boy, and everything will be fine.

Squidward:
I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off 'till tomorrow? Ha ha!

Mr. Krabs:
What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm gonna ask a few questions, questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.

Mr. Krabs:
Okay then.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Question number one: At what time does the Krusty Krab open?

Plankton:
9:00 AM.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Right! That's one strike against you. I'd be nervous if I were you.

Mr. Krabs:
But...

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No buts, Mister! I'm running this quiz show. If there's gonna be any buts, they're gonna be from me! Question number two: How much does a Krusty Krab cost?

Mr. Krabs:
$2.99!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
...on Wednesday?

Plankton:
99 cents.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Right again! You're starting to look pretty phoney right about now. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this question. If we're discussing the secret formula on the first Tuesday of January, after we gargle with vanilla pudding, what do we do?

Mr. Krabs:
That's an easy one! Let's see, if it's January, and we have vanilla pudding... uh, pass?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, if I were a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well put together, not some rusted-up, steam-driven pile of junk.

Plankton:
Who are you calling steam driven?

Squidward:
I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to explode!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You want me to explode?

Squidward:
Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Uh, okay, I'll try. Nnggg... GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!

[laughs]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Your turn, Squidward!

Squidward:
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU BARNACLE HEAD!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[clapping] Whoa, good one.

Squidward:
No! I mean you're supposed to explode into a million pieces!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Why would I do that?

Squidward:
Because the pie you ate was a bomb!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What pie?

Squidward:
The pie I left on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! THAT pie!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Pie... Oh! You mean this pie!

[takes the pie-bomb out of his pocket]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share! Let's eat!

[he trips on a pebble, the pie flies into Squidward's face and explodes]

Squidward:
Ow.

Fish:
Mmm... these patties sure are delicious! I wonder what's in that secret formula? [an alarm sounds]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Code twelve! Code twelve! [he grabs onto the fish's head] Your disguises can't fool me this time... Plankton! [he rips the head off. everyone gasps. there's a smaller head underneath]

Fish:
Everyone at the Head Enhancement Clinic said nobody would notice! [runs off crying]

Mr. Krabs:
Spongebob! What's the meaning of this?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought Plankton was trying to get the formula.

Mr. Krabs:
That's no reason to rip people's head off, boy!

Mr. Krabs:
[while stuck in a French fry plate] Help! Help!

Hans:
[Trying to eat the French fries] Ooh! Yum! Yum!

Mr. Krabs:
Back! Back, you hungry hand!

[Squidward speaks unintelligable words]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward, we already played Babble Like an Idiot.

Squidward:
Why are you still here?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make a new one. I've already filled this book with ideas. We should be able to finish by January

Squidward:
Forget the book! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were SUPPOSED TO EXPLODE!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Why would I do that?

Squidward:
Because the pie you ate was a bomb!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What pie?

Squidward:
The one I left sitting on the counter this morning! That I bought from the pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb. That pie!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
A pie? Oh, you mean this pie. I was saving it in my pocket for us to share.

[trips]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oops.

[pie lands on Squidward's face and causes big explosion]

Squidward:
Ouch.

[Plankton just created a robot version of Mr. Krabs]

Robot Krabs:
Mr. Squidward!

Squidward:
What now, Mr. Krabs?

Robot Krabs:
That's right, I am Krabs, your boss, your ruler, your master!

[Plankton laughs evily, while Squidward looks at the robot version of Mr. Krabs]

Squidward:
You're not Mr. Krabs.

Robot Krabs:
Hey, why don't you take the rest of the day off?

Squidward:
[laughing] Well... whatever you say, "Mr. Krabs"! Whoopee!

[Squidward then leaves the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs:
[spots Spongebob about to give Plankton the formula] How could you do it Spongebob? Giving me secret formula to this impostor?

Plankton:
Don't listen to him Spongebob. Remember: Ravioli, ravioli give me the formuoli

Mr. Krabs:
Spongebob no, don't listen to him, I'm the real Mr. Krabs!

Plankton:
Don't listen to him, he's obviously a robot. [smoke comes out of the suit's exhaust pipe]

Mr. Krabs:
Well if I were a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well put together, not some rusted out, steam driven piece of junk!

Plankton:
Who are you calling steam driven?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Quiet! [holds up a hose while breathing heavily and his eyes are bloodshot] Until I know who the real Mr.Krabs is, nobody moves [reveals the hose is attatched to a machine dispensing tarter sauce] nobody gets hurt.

Plankton:
[asking for the secret formula while disguised as Mr. Krabs] Formula time?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Almost

Narrator:
Six and a half hours later. [Plankton uses the robot suit to launch himself out of a cannon]

Plankton:
[Spongebob gives him some spaghetti which he dumps into the robot suit] Yum yum, this spaghetti sure is good, belch.

Plankton, SpongeBob SquarePants:
[singing] Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath, ravioli, ravioli, Great Barrier Reef!

Plankton:
Okay let's hear that formula!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sorry Mr. Krabs no can do. [Plankton's robot suit's eyes catch on fire]

Plankton:
[in a very robotic voice] Whaaaaat? [cut to Plankton inside the suit] But we did everything you said!, I followed all the rules!, I even ate 105 black licorice jelly beans through a straw!, Now why won't you tell me the formula?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
It's your rule, never speak the formula, you told me to keep it in... [holds up a little bottle with a scroll in it] this bottle.

Fish:
You kidnapped us just to eat your fast food?

Plankton:
Hey, it's a standard marketing ploy.

Krabby Patty:
Just remember, I will always be with you, right here. [Points at chest]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
In my heart?

Krabby Patty:
Actually, in your arteries.

[Plankton is posing as a psychiatrist]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Do you think there's still hope for me?

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Hope? Hope? When I get my hands on that formula, there won't be any hope for any of ya! [Sinister laugh] I mean, you'll be cured in no time.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You're a lot smaller than I thought, doctor. But then, I guess that's why they call you shrink.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wow, my entire arm disintegrated!

Sheldon J. Plankton:
I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your little head.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm ready!

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Work.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Work.

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Spatula.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Spatula.

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Bun.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Bun.

Sheldon J. Plankton:
See, the key is to say something different than what I say.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh, I get it.

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Potato.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Potahto.

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Tomato.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Tomahto.

Squidward Tentacles:
Is number five's order ready yet, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Just a moment, Squidward. Well, Krabby Patty, it's time for you to go. You grew up so fast.

[sniff]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I told myself I wouldn't do this. Just take it! Take it, Squidward!

[cries]

Squidward Tentacles:
Oh, Brother. Number five! Number five!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's me!

[eats Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mmm. My compliments to the chef.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Look at me! I'm Mister Krabs! I love money.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Say, that ain't half bad.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I once won a marathon because someone dropped a penny on the finish line.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
That's me, all right.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Every night I tuck me wallet in and tell it a bedtime story. Good night, Wallety.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Yeah. Okay, I get the point...

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh, what's that you say? Me daughter Pearl needs an operation? I'll do it meself and save a nickel.

[laughs]

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
That'll do, SpongeBob.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
SpongeBob, I want you to... [turns into a giant Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Could you run that by me again?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
I said I want you to... [turns into giant Krabby Patty again]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's what I thought you said. Now, let me offer this as a rebuttal. AAAH!

Sheldon J. Plankton:
I want you to close your eyes. Tighter. Tighter. [SpongeBob's eyelids rip apart] Too tight! Now, what do you see?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I see... giant Krabby Patties!

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Good! Now, what are they made of?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hatred!

Sheldon J. Plankton:
No, ingredients! What are the stinking ingredients?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
They're coming for me! No! No! No! Stay back!

Sheldon J. Plankton:
Wait, where did you get that piano? [SpongeBob hits Plankton with piano]

Neptune:
The accursed stove has burnt my finger.

[zaps stove]

Neptune:
Feel thine own wrath, stove! Ha ha!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?

Neptune:
[ashamed] Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.

Squidward Tentacles:
[after Squidward goes too far pulling an April Fool's Prank on Spongebob] Where's Spongebob?

Patrick:
He's in the house. He's impressed.

Squidward Tentacles:
With what?

Patrick:
I don't know, but it must have been pretty good to make him cry like that.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Woo, I'm thirsty.

[Pulls an enormous pitcher of lemonade out of the fridge]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
This is an extreme thirst.

[Cut to SpongeBob in front of dozens of glasses of lemonade]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Boy, I can't wait to drink all these drinks. April Fool!

[Looks in mirror]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
To me.

Squidward Tentacles:
Why is it when I'm having fun... it's wrong?

Squidward Tentacles:
Why is he so happy about? [Sees the calendar set on April 1st] April 1st?! Aah! April Fool's Day is SpongeBob's favorite holiday! [Dials phone] Mr. Krabs, I can't come in to work today. I caught something horrible.

Mr. Krabs:
What'd you catch?

Squidward Tentacles:
I caught sight of the calendar.

Neptune:
So, little one? You think you are worthy of being the royal fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You shall be tested in a challenge.

Patrick:
Bring it on. SpongeBob can handle any...

[Neptune zaps him]

Patrick:
Ouch.

Neptune:
Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges.

Patrick:
Two? What is two challenges to someone like SpongeBob?

[Neptune zaps him again]

Neptune:
Three challenges!

Patrick:
Only three? Three challenges is nothing. It might as well be... five hundred challenges.

Neptune:
Enough!

[Zaps Patrick]

Patrick:
[Now just a smudge on the ground] We'll settle for one.

Neptune:
There will be but one challenge. You will face me in... the Ultimate Cookoff!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I will accept your challenge, if you fix my friend.

Neptune:
Ah, yes. The round one. I shall restore him.

[restores Patrick, only he has no face]

Patrick:
SpongeBob? SpongeBob?

[turns around; his face is on his butt]

Patrick:
SpongeBob? There you are.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
How you feeling?

Patrick:
Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller?

Mr. Krabs:
Don't worry, lad. I have the utmost confidence in you. [Runs to the betting booth with a pile of cash] Put it all on Neptune!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm not good enough to to cook in Atlantis Patrick, I should've never taken the challenge

Patrick:
Don't give up on your dream SpongeBob, people used to tell me: "Patrick you'll never amount to anything, you'll always have your head in the clouds" Well just look at me now! [points at his face on his butt] [the bell rings] Go get em tiger!

Neptune:
This joke has gone on far enough!, where's my fry cook? [everyone runs except Patrick] [pointing at Patrick] Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know how to cook a burger to serve a royal palate! [Patrick points at SpongeBob] What? Am I expected to believe that this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof? [Patrick shows him the picture he took of SpongeBob holding the royal spatula] Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the Royal tail fin! And besides it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle, there are certain qualities a royal fry cook must have.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Like?

Neptune:
The Royal fry cook must be left handed

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Actually I've got two [shows him his two left hands]

Neptune:
[snaps his fingers as he comes up with another idea] Also the Royal fry cook wears red underwear [Spongebob shows him his red underwear] no blue [Spongebob shows him blue underwear underneath] The Royal fry cook's wallet contains... [Spongebob shows him his wallet] His big toes... [Spongebob shows him his big toes] Uh, he has six...

Patrick:
[interrupting him] He is the new Royal fry cook and you...

Neptune:
Silence! [zaps him]

Patrick:
[charred and smoking] It is hot in here or what? [faints]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[gasps] Patrick! You hurt my friend!, You're not a king your a bully and a liar!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Duck.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Don't forget your condiments, Plankton. [squirts Plankton with ketchup & mustard]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Safe.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Why, Mr Krabs? Why does he hate us so? [cries]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Best friends?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Got your secret recipe, Mr. Krabs. You have no idea that went through to get here.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yeah, Mr. Krabs. What did happen next?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
It did happen that way, didn't it, Mr. Krabs?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Gosh, Mr. Plankton, that doesn't sound like the Mr. Krabs story at all.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs, Plankton:
Karen?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Doesn't it just warm your heart, Karen?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Gasp!] Sabotage!

Patrick:
I invented something! It's a stick that you can draw or write stuff with.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's a pencil, Patrick. It's already been invented.

Patrick:
Ooh! this time I really have something. A glass ball that lights up so you can see in the dark.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's a light bulb, Patrick. It's already been invented.

Patrick:
This is a good one! I've invented a parallel dimension.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's a mirror, Patrick. It's already been invented.

Patrick:
Someone keeps stealing my ideas!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[In mirror, speaking with German accent] Well, I thought it was a good idea.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
My name is SpongeBob.

Patrick:
And I am Professor Patrick.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Professor?

Patrick:
*Doctor* Professor Patrick. Don't mind him. You know how interns are.

Lord Reginald:
Oh, marvelous! This machine has cleared my nostrils of unwanted residue in a manner most pleasant.

Patrick:
The horrible screaming means that it's working.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
This helmet looks impressive. What's it do?

Sandy Cheeks:
That's my peanut radio helmet. It lets you talk to peanuts. But what good is that?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Takes a peanut out of his pocket] SpongeBob to peanut. Come in, peanut.

Patrick:
What's it saying?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
It says, "It's dark in here."

Squidward:
It's official. I hate everyone.

Squidward:
I'm entertaining those heathens.

Mr. Krabs:
We've got all the entertainment we need, thank you very much!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[throwing a tantrum] I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP! I WANT COOKIES! AND MILKY! I WANT A SWEATER WITH LOVE IN THE STITCHES! I WANT TO WEAR DIADIES! I WANT TO RIDE IN MY WAGON! I WANT TO CUDDLE-WUDDLE WITH MR. STUFFYKINS! I WANT TO ROCKY-ROCK IN MY SEAHORSEY! AND I WANT KISSY-KISSY ON MY BOO-BOO! [throws himself down on his grandma's floor and sobs]

Patrick:
You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you started acting like one.

SpongeBob:
Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.

Patrick:
Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest.

[SpongeBob puffs out his chest]

Patrick:
Now say, "tax exemption."

SpongeBob:
Tax exemption.

Patrick:
Now you must develop a taste for free-form jazz.

[Both listen intently to jazz music]

Patrick:
Okay, you're ready.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[to Patrick as Squidward runs past] That looked like Squidward!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[an angry crowd runs past] That looked like Squidward also! In angry mob form!

Patrick:
Are you Squidward?

Squid:
No

Patrick:
[after a small pause] Are you Squidward now?

Patrick:
All right, this is it. What are you going to tell your grandma?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm a grown-up!

Patrick:
No ifs, ands or buts about it!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!

Patrick:
Then you get behind her and I'll push.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Patrick, we didn't say that.

Patrick:
Oh, right.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward, you're steaming. You're like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wow, everyone's in a good mood today.

Squidward:
I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob. They're laughing at you, not with you.

Squidward:
SpongeBob, that is the final straw. I want to move so far away, I'd be able to brag about it. I would rather tear out my brain stem, drag it to the nearest four-way intersection and skip rope with it than continue living where I do now.

Squid:
[on TV] Do you want to move so far away you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain stem, drag it to the nearest three-way...

Squidward:
Four-way.

Squid:
Four-way intersection and skip rope with it than continue living where you do now?

[Looking for Squidward in a crowd of squids]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Are you Squidward?

Squid #1:
No.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Are you Squidward?

Squid #2:
No.

Patrick:
[to a fire hydrant] Are you Squidward?

[silence]

Patrick:
It's okay. Take your time.

SpongeBob:
I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the street just to entertain me. You must really like me!

Squidward:
Spongebob, there are two problems with your theory. One, I hate you. And two, how can that be me when I'm standing right here?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[on working the night shift] Isn't this great Squidward? Just you & me together for hours and hours and hours! And then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Psst, Squidward, I'm working in the kitchen... at night! Hey Squidward, guess what? I'm chopping lettuce... at night! Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night! OW I burned my hand!... at night!

Squidward:
You mean you've never heard the story of the... hash-slinging slasher?

SpongeBob:
The slash-bringing hasher?

Squidward:
The hash-slinging slasher.

SpongeBob:
The sash wringing... the trash thinging... mash flinging... the flash springing, bringing the the crash thinging the...

Squidward:
Yes. The hash-slinging slasher.

[Squidward and SpongeBob believe they are on the verge of death]

Squidward:
SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sorta liked you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.

Squidward:
What?

Mr. Krabs:
Cheer up? How can I cheer up WHEN YOU'RE SPENDIN' ALL ME HARD-EARNED CASH?!

Squidward:
And then, one night, while he was cutting the patties, it happened!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
He forget the secret sauce?

Squidward:
No!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
He didn't wash his hands?

Squidward:
No!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Irregular portions?

Squidward:
NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, that's my teacher, Mrs. Puff.

Mr. Krabs:
Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. She's single.

Mr. Krabs:
Then what happened to Mr. Puff?

[flash cut of a puffer fish lamp]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
She doesn't like to talk about it.

Squidward:
Oh calm down, calm down. Alright what was it? There was... the lights [lights flicker] and the phone [phone rings] and... [walls start 'oozing green slime'] The walls will use green slime? Oh, wait, they always do that.

Squidward:
Wait! If that was you on the phone, and you on the bus... then who was flickering the lights? [lights flicker] [cut to picutre of the vampire Nosferatu flipping light switch]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Shaking fingers at him] Nosferatu!

Squidward:
This is ridiculous! Who wants a krabby patty at three in the morning? [cutaway to Patrick sleeping in his bed, alarm goes off]

Patrick Star:
Oh, boy! Three AM! [eats patty]

Squidward:
Years ago, at this very restaurant, the hash-slinging slasher used to be a frycook, just like you. Only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened...

SpongeBob:
He forgot the secret sauce?

Squidward:
No.

SpongeBob:
He didn't wash his hands?

Squidward:
No!

SpongeBob:
Irregular portions?

Squidward:
NO! He cut off his own hand! By mistake!

SpongeBob:
You mean like this?

[At every 'this', SpongeBob removes his arm and a new one grows back]

SpongeBob:
Or like this? Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this?

Squidward:
Except he wasn't a sponge!

SpongeBob:
So?

Squidward:
So it didn't grow back!

SpongeBob:
OH NO!

Squidward:
And he replaced his hand... with a rusty spatula. And then... he got hit by a bus! And, as funeral, they fired him! So now... every... What day is it?

SpongeBob:
Tuesday.

Squidward:
Tuesday night! His ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!

Mr. Krabs:
[SpongeBob is ready to finish for the day, points to Squidward holding a bag of trash] Take that pile of filth out with ya.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward smells. Hmm, This one's not finished.

[writes on dumpster the word "good"]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward smells good!

[SpongeBob is assigned hall monitor]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yahoo! Hall monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty! I am ready to take my position... IN THE HALL! I will protect all those who are weak... IN THE HALL! All laws will be enforced... IN THE HALL!

Patrick:
Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
That's "Hall Monitor" to you.

Patrick:
Sorry, officer.

SpongeBob:
Sorry's not good enough, Patrick. You've commited a crime, and I'm taking you in.

Patrick:
What crime?

[SpongeBob points at the ice cream cone Patrick dropped on the ground]

Patrick:
[crying] I'm a bad person!

Narrator:
SpongeBob has learned one of the sea's harshest lessons: Wild animals can throw really wild parties.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
It is our duty to bring this maniac to justice, but how to procede? Listen, deputy. You're an ex-criminal. What would you do?

Patrick:
Hmmm... I'd get an ice cream. [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick coming out of an ice-cream parlor]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Okay, now what?

Patrick:
Hmmm... [Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick coming out of the ice-cream parlor again]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
This isn't working.

[sees SpongeBob in the distance; mistakes him for the Maniac]

Patrick:
[On walkie-talkie] SpongeBob! I see him!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Where is he?

Patrick:
At the intersection of Conch and Coral.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's where I am! He's right on top of me, but I can't see him! What's he doing?

Patrick:
He's just standing there... menacingly! Get out of there, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yaaah!

Patrick:
That's his maniac shriek! He's going to attack! [SpongeBob runs around in circles, crying] He's acting all crazy! Run, SpongeBob, run! Quick, hide behind that building! No, wait! He just ran by that building! Hide behind that street sign! No, wait! The maniac just went by that sign! Get underneath that street light! No! He's there too! Run for your life! [SpongeBob dives inside a mailbox; inside, he hears Patrick on the walkie-talkie, intercut by static]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Say that again, deputy?

Patrick:
The maniac's in the mailbox! [SpongeBob screams and runs off]

[Squidward is in bed, his house is shaking from Spongebob's loud music]

Squidward Tentacles:
Spongebob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish... for TWELVE HOURS!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[patrolling the streets as hall monitor, he sees a couple inside a house] An open window!

Female Fish:
More seaweed medley, dear?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
They've left themselves susceptible to danger. I must teach them the error of their ways... through example.

[SpongeBob jumps through the window wearing a ski mask]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yaaah! I'm the open window maniac!

[the couple run out the door]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I hope you learned a valuable lesson.

Squidward:
SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish,

[shouting]

Squidward:
for twelve hours!

[SpongeBob has a jellyfish on a leash]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, Squidward. Meet my new pet.

Squidward:
That's no pet. That's a wild animal.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No he isn't. He can do tricks.

[Throwing a stick]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Fetch!

[Jellyfish fetches stick]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[holding up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?

[Jellyfish buzzes three times]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Play dead!

[Jellyfish is buried under a tombstone, then comes out]

Squidward:
I wouldn't let that thing in my house even if it was potty-trained.

[Jellyfish is sitting on a toilet, reading the newspaper and humming]

Squidward:
I didn't need to see that.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[after reading Gary's note] What have I done?

Patrick Star:
What do you mean? You drove him away. It's right there in black and white. See? Right there. And there.

Grandma:
Set phasers on fun, Miss Tuffsy.

Patrick Star:
Aah! It's the apocalypse! Office products falling from the sky!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What's this? "Take the Dirty Bubble Challenge! Hit the paddleball 29 trillion, 998 billion, 559 million, 671 thousand and 349 times in a row."

Mr. Krabs:
Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly.

[whispering]

Mr. Krabs:
Anchovies.

Squidward:
What?

Mr. Krabs:
ANCHOVIES!

Patrick:
When in doubt, pinky out.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Ah, the sea. So fascinating, so wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teaming with life. Home of one of my favorite creatures: Spongebob Squarepants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mr. Krabs, Please give me a chance. I'll prove to you that I'm fry cook material. Just ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward step aside to confer]

Squidward:
[Deep inhale] No.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What is air?

Patrick:
Huh?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I just met this girl. She wears a hat full of... air.

Patrick:
Do you mean she puts on airs?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I guess so.

Patrick:
That's just fancy talk. If you wanna be fancy, hold your pinky up, like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Holds up pinky] How's this?

Patrick:
Higher.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[holds his pinky up higher] Like this?

Patrick:
Now that's fancy! They should call you SpongeBob FancyPants.

[Inside Sandy's treedome, a desperately thirsty SpongeBob is looking at a flower vase full of water]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Thinking] I don't need it. I don't need it. I definitely don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. [pause]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[shouts] I... need... it!

Sandy Cheeks:
This dome is made of the strongest polyurethane. That's just a fancy word for plastic. Ain't that just the bee's knees?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm Ready!

Mr. Krabs:
Batten down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward! I want my mommy, Mr. Squidward!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, with the Help Wanted sign on the front. I've waited years for this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight up to the manager, look at him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and - I can't do it!

[turns away, but is stopped by Patrick]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Patrick!

Patrick:
Where do you think you're going?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I was just...

Patrick:
No, you're not. You go in there and get that job.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, I can't! Don't you see?

Patrick:
Who's first words were "May I take your order?"

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mine were.

Patrick:
Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in shop class?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I did.

Patrick:
Who's a... who... Ungh... Who's a big, yellow cube with holes?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I am!

Patrick:
Who's ready?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm ready!

Patrick:
Who's ready?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm ready!

Patrick:
Who's ready?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
*I'm ready!*

Fish:
Meep

Male fish:
PU! You call this food?

Male fish:
My sandwich tastes like a fried boot.

Male fish:
My sandwich *is* a fried boot!

Mermaid Man:
[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy crash through Spongebob's house] Mermaid Man!

Barnacle Boy:
[groggily] and Bobbicle - [falls flat on his face]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
The hooks, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
Aye, the hooks. The hooks! They dangle and draw you in with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors. But just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab you by the britches, and haul you up higher, and higher, and higher, all the way up to the surface, flopping and gasping for air. Then the cook you, and then they eat you... or worse!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What could be worse than that?

Mr. Krabs:
Gift shops.

Mermaid Man:
Barnacle Boy, don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the superhero of tomorrow... or the villain. Besides, I remember a certain young whippersnapper who wanted to be a superhero, too.

Barnacle Boy:
You don't even remember breakfast, you old coot.

Mermaid Man:
That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime...

[snaps fingers]

Mermaid Man:
...just like that!

[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]

Atomic Flounder:
Help, somebody there!

SpongeBob:
You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!

Mermaid Man:
Stop kid! Stop! Let him go!

SpongeBob:
But you said he could turn back to crime...

[snaps fingers]

SpongeBob:
...like that!

Atomic Flounder:
What? Get offa me! If I weren't retired I'd... I'd... ROOAAAAARRR!

[Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]

Atomic Flounder:
...do that!

Mr. Krabs:
What did I tell you about those hooks, boy?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, I...

Patrick:
I'll tell you about the hooks. You ride them up and up and up, and then you gently float back down.

Mr. Krabs:
And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Gift shop!

Mr. Krabs:
Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna, with nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise.

[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in horror]

Mr. Krabs:
I want you to promise me you will never go near those hooks again.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick:
We promise, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
I wanna hear a sailor's promise. Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.

SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick:
Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.

Mr. Krabs:
[a hook gooses him] Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick:
Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

Mr. Krabs:
Mr. Squidward! What the halibut is going on?

Squidward:
It's a feeding frenzy, Mr. Krabs, and SpongeBob is still not back from his break.

[Mr. Krabs laughs]

Squidward:
What?

Mr. Krabs:
I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. No one has taken a break in the Krusty Krab since the chum famine of '59. Now, what was that you said?

Squidward:
He took a break.

[Mr. Krabs stands shocked for a moment; his claws and nose fall off]

Mermaid Man:
That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime

[snaps fingers]

Mermaid Man:
just like that

[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]

Atomic Flounder:
Help, somebody there!

SpongeBob:
You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!

Mermaid Man:
No, lad! Don't!

SpongeBob:
But you said he could turn back to crime

[snaps fingers]

SpongeBob:
like that.

Atomic Flounder:
What? Get off me! If I weren't retired I'd... I'd... Roar!

[Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]

Atomic Flounder:
...do that.

SpongeBob:
Doesn't look like any carnival I ever... [bumps into a hook] Excuse me. [gasps as he sees the hook] Stop Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick. Those are hooks. Mr. Krabs said they were really dangerous.

Patrick:
[sits on a hook] Hmmm, I sense no danger here, how can they be dangerous?, they're covered with free cheese!

SpongeBob:
All I know is that Mr. Krabs said... Patrick, don't do that!

Patrick:
[puts a hook with cheese in his mouth] Cheesy!, no danger here, go on, try it

SpongeBob:
But Mr. Krabs said...

Patrick:
SpongeBob let me ask you something [puts 9 hooks in his mouth] does this look dangerous?

SpongeBob:
[screaming] Patrick don't!

Patrick:
Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by mysel... [hooks pulls him up]

SpongeBob:
[gasps] Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, help! Oh, Patrick, come back. Oh, my best friend. [Patrick floats down and SpongeBob runs into him as he hits the ground] Patrick, you're alive.

Patrick:
Am I ever, you should try it

SpongeBob:
But... What about the surface?, and your britches?, and the gift shops?

Patrick:
You just jump off before you get too high.

Patrick:
Hey SpongeBob, you're going the wrong way

SpongeBob:
I always go to work this way

Patrick:
You're not going to work today, we're going to play hooky!

SpongeBob:
But Patrick we promised

Patrick:
Well I had my fingers crossed

SpongeBob:
You don't have any fingers Patrick

Patrick:
Well that Mr. Krabs is just a big dummy, we played on those hooks all day long and nothing happened to us

SpongeBob:
But Mr. Krabs said...

Patrick:
[interrupting him] Look SpongeBob are you going to listen to a big dummy, or are you going to listen to me?

SpongeBob:
Umm

Patrick:
[after using Squidward's bathroom] Whew. I wouldn't go in there for a couple of days... or weeks. [Squidward hears someone gasping and turns to see his own toilet crawling out of the bathroom]

Toilet:
Please, somebody help me. Somebody help me. [Jumps into Squidward's arms] Have mercy on my soul! [Gasps one final time and dies]

Sandy Cheeks:
[Affected by Jerktonium] You took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Smiling] Uh huh.

Sandy Cheeks:
You're an idiot.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Still smiling] Uh huh.

[Spongebob is wearing pink underwear and Patrick is wearing yellow ones]

Patrick:
You know, these were white when I bought them.

Plankton:
Just look at him. Square: the shape of evil!

[after customer sings about the Krabby Patty with Jellyfish Jelly inside it]

Mr. Krabs:
Spongebob, who's playing Squidward's records again?

SpongeBob:
[to jellyfish] You're my twelfth catch of the day. I'm going to call you Twelvy.

SpongeBob:
Phew! What smells like big business?

Mr. Krabs:
What's that smell in the air? I smell Plankton!

Plankton:
[Puts on fake nose] Oh, yeah? Well, I smell... Phew, he's right.

SpongeBob:
Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the Laying-Under-A-Rock-All-Day Games.

Patrick:
Well, at least I don't polish my fingernails.

SpongeBob:
You take that back!

[points at Patrick; a shine comes off the tip of his finger]

Patrick:
Fingernails! Fingernails! Fingernails!

SpongeBob:
You don't even have fingernails!

Patrick:
I cannot believe what I'm hearing!

SpongeBob:
HOW CAN YOU HEAR IT?! You don’t have ears either!

Patrick:
You... you... Holes! Holes!

SpongeBob:
Conehead!

Patrick:
Yellow!

SpongeBob:
Pink!

Patrick:
Take that, Yellow Boy!

SpongeBob:
Laugh it up, Pinky. It's not over yet!

Patrick:
That's what you think, but it's not over yet!

Mr. Krabs:
Win this for the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob:
[running] For the Krusty Krab!

Plankton:
Win this one because I told you to.

Patrick:
[running] Because he told me to!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are at a wrestling match on top of a giant hamburger, preparing for a fight]

News Reporter:
It's not over yet! With the score tied, we go to our final event: Bun wrestling. Who will take home the gold? Mr. Krabs of the Krusty Krab?

Mr. Krabs:
[to SpongeBob, referring to Patrick] Don't forget, he called ye yellow.

[Spongebob picks up a metal chain and bites off and chews up the middle of it. He bares his teeth, revealing the metal chain to now be attached to them like braces]

News Reporter:
Or Plankton of the Chum Bucket?

Plankton:
[to Patrick, referring to SpongeBob] Don't forget, he called you pink!

[a blue jellyfish just cut the power to SpongeBob's house]

SpongeBob:
I guess Gary forgot to pay the electric bill.

[SpongeBob is holding a large red wrench in attempt to release all the jellyfish]

Mr. Krabs:
Hey, boy, what are you doing with that?

SpongeBob:
Something that should've been done a long time ago!

Fred:
[referring to a Krabby Patty with jelly on it] This is the greatest thing I've ever eaten! I'm going to come back here for lunch every day for the rest of my life!

Customer:
[after eating the Krabby Patty with Jellyfish Jelly] Amazing! I've got to tell someone about this!

[singing]

Customer:
Hey, all you people / Hey, all you people / Hey, all you people, won't you listen to me? / I just had a sandwich, no ordinary sandwich! / A sandwich filled with Jellyfish Jelly! / Hey man, you've got to try this sandwich / It's no ordinary sandwich / It's the tastiest sandwich in the sea!

[scats]

SpongeBob:
Hey, Squidward. We're going jellyfishing.

Squidward:
Of course you are.

SpongeBob:
Wait. Don't you want to join us? We made a net especially for you.

Squidward:
[Sarcastic] Me? Go jellyfishing with you guys? Oh, that would be the best day ever in my book. I would love to go jellyfishing. I can't think of anything better to do in my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...

Patrick Star:
Patrick.

Squidward:
Right. But I can't. Goodbye.

SpongeBob:
Next time, then?

Squidward:
Oh, sure. Whatever.

Squidward:
One Krabby Patty for table two. SpongeBob, I don't have all day.

SpongeBob:
[French accent] Oui oui! Un Krabby Patty, Monsieur. First, le patty.

[Tosses the patty in the air and catches it with his pores]

Squidward:
Come on, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Next, les ingredients. Aiee!

[Tosses the ingredients in the air and catches them with his pores]

SpongeBob:
Le mustard.

[Squirts mustard in the air and catches it in his eye]

Squidward:
Le quit fooling around. Where's my Krabby Patty?

SpongeBob:
Le hold on a second.

[Takes off his head, shakes it, and puts it back on]

SpongeBob:
[Reaches under Squidward's nose and pulls out the completed patty] And voil?! It's under your nose.

[Laughs]

Squidward:
Ha-ha! You're killing me, SpongeBob. Ha-ha! You really are.

Plankton:
Hear me, Krabs: When I discover the formula for Krabby Patties, I'll run you out of business. I went to college!

Plankton:
You could say we're friends, right?

SpongeBob:
Um, no.

Plankton:
Acquaintences?

SpongeBob:
No.

Plankton:
Well, we're both invertebrates, right?

SpongeBob:
I guess so.

Plankton:
You see? Everything works out. I have something for you. I've been keeping it in my secret compartment.

[Reaches behind his back and pulls out a spatula]

Plankton:
Ching! Sparkle sparkle!

SpongeBob:
Wow! A golden spatula! It's even got my name on it.

Plankton:
It's a gift. A gift from a friend. Friends give each other gifts. And tomorrow's my birhtday. And do you know what I like more than anything in the whole world?

SpongeBob:
A booster seat?

Plankton:
Booster seat? Hot dog!... I mean, no. What I want for my birthday from you, my friend is one of those tender... delicious... mouth-watering... Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob:
[Gasp] You just want to be friends so you can get your hands on the Krabby Patty. And I bet it's not even your birhtday tomorrow.

Plankton:
Gee, and I thought you were stupid.

SpongeBob:
You'll never get a Krabby Patty from me. Even if we are friends. Never! Never! Never! Never!

Plankton:
Oh, I'll get a Krabby Patty. And you're gonna hand-deliver it to me personally. You weak minded fool!

[Plays omninous music on his record player]

Plankton:
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Plankton:
Spongebob, we're friends right? Friends do things for eachother. And tomorrow's my birthday. Do you know what I want?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
A booster seat?

Plankton:
Hot-dog! A booster seat! YES! I mean no. I want... a tender... scrumptious... juicy... Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[gasps] Plankton! I know what this is! You're just pretending to be my friend so you can get your hands on a Krabby Patty! And I bet tomorrow isn't even your birthday!

Plankton:
Jeez. And I thought you were stupid.

[Plankton has SpongeBob in his power and is about to make him drop a Krabby Patty into his analyzer]

Plankton:
This little piggy brought home a Krabby Patty, and this little piggy will help me drop it in. Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?

SpongeBob:
I just have to say, I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabbs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. But most of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty.

Plankton:
Hmmm.

SpongeBob:
I'll never forget your delicious, juicy, scrumptious, steamy goodness.

Plankton:
Steamy!

SpongeBob:
Made with 100% all-natural secret ingredients, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomato, onions, all nestled together between two seaweed seed buns.

Plankton:
Yes. Yes! *Yes!* Come to papa! [He jumps at the patty, but bounces off and falls into the analyzer] Oh, boy. [zap!]

Karen:
Plankton: 1% evil, 99% hot gas.

Plankton:
[Appears on the computer monitor] Well, this stinks.

Plankton:
SpongeBob, that's my Krabby Patty! Give it back, you porous freak! I command you! My patty! NOOOOOO!!!!!! I'll settle for some fries.

Patrick, SpongeBob:
[chanting] Jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing!

Plankton:
Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet player.

Squidward:
Mediocre?

Plankton:
You pretentious, little insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan's waste.

Plankton:
Brace yourself, SpongeBob. This is my lab...

[Spongebob walks into room and picture of golden labrador in background of room barking, he then walks into next room]

Plankton:
And this is my labratory!

Patrick Star:
Firmly grasp it in your hand.

[Squidward's jellyfishing net falls to the ground]

Patrick Star:
No, no, firmly grasp it.

[the net falls again]

Patrick Star:
[Angrily] Firmly grasp it!

[Patrick jams the net into Squidward's cast]

Computer:
Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas.

Plankton:
Well, this stinks.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Ahhh. He's going to kick my butt.

Old Man:
Hi there, nice day isn't it?

Bystander:
So you like kicking butts Old Man, do you? Well we'll show you!

[crowd attacks old man]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Why would Flats want to kick my butt? I didn't say two words to the guy.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Flashback] Hi. I'm SpongeBob.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Present] One, two... Oh, no, that's three! What am I gonna do?

Squidward Tentacles:
SpongeBob, If I were trapped in the bottom of a well for three years, and had nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first. And not just the extra ones.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
But it's good for you!

Squidward Tentacles:
Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, Squidward. I meant... good for your soul. [Celestial light shines on SpongeBob, who has wings and a halo]

Squidward Tentacles:
Oh, please. I have no soul [Fire appears behind Squidward, accompanied by sinister laughter]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward, you can't eat all those Krabby Patties at once! Squidward!

Squidward Tentacles:
Oh, what's going to happen? Am I gonna blow up?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, worse! They'll go right to your thighs...

Squidward Tentacles:
My thighs? [Pull back on Squidward's enormous legs]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
And then you'll blow up! [Explosion; Cut to an ambulance, where Squidward's head is on a seat, while his legs are on a bucket]

Paramedic:
Yeah, I remember my first Krabby Patty.

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
Tell us about yourself, Flatts.

Flatts:
Well, I like to kick people's butts.

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
[Laughs] What a card.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[after Flatts tires himself out punching SpongeBob] Do not cheer me, fellow adult students. Flatts is the real victim here. A victim of a society that's going down a violent road to nowhere... a road I call Violence Road.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[hiding in toilet; hears someone coming] I've got to act natural.

Bystander:
[opens toilet, sees kitchen sponge floating in it] Oh, that's real nice. [leaves]

[repeated line]

Squidward Tentacles:
I've never had a Krabby Patty!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[answering a pay phone at the boating school] Death row. Next in line speaking.

Plankton:
People around here wouldn't know a good meal if it walked up to them, looked them in the eye and said "Hello, I'm a delicious meal. Glad to meet ya! Why don't you buy me and keep Plankton from losing everything he's worked for his entire life?"

Karen:
If a customer did order one of your meals, it would look him in the eye.

Plankton:
You know, Karen, sometimes I wonder if you're here to help me or to make me feel two inches tall.

Karen:
Maybe in heels.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh, hey, Plankton. What are you doing here?

Plankton:
What am I doing here? You go in there and tell Krabs to surrender the Krabby Patty formula to me, or face annihilation at the hands of... are you getting any of this?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Uh-uh.

Plankton:
Aargh! Moron! All right, I'll make it easy for you. Tell Krabs to gimme formula or I bring big boom-boom to Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[writing] Give formula or bring big... what was that last part?

Plankton:
Oh, forget it! Bring on the boom-boom!

Squidward:
We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs. But how?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, in the movie, the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.

Squidward:
They poop on the robot?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop. Ask questions, get information.

Squidward:
I never thought I'd say this, but SpongeBob, let's get that poop.

Squidward:
Why couldn't the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie? Because it was rated "Aarrh".

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh, look, it's a baby scallop.

Patrick:
[raising his foot to stomp it] I'll take care of this!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, stop! It's totally helpless! It looks like it can't even fly yet.

Patrick:
Is it stupid?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, it's just a baby.

Patrick:
I get to be the mommy!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Patrick, I don't think you can be the mommy cause you never wear a shirt.

[SpongeBob opens up Patrick's rock to find what he really did instead of working]

Patrick:
[watching TV, laughs] He got hit on the head with two coconuts!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[angry] So! This is work?

Patrick:
You know it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I gotta move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase!

[SpongeBob opens it to reveal the briefcase is full of donuts and ice cream sundaes as he angrily dumps it all on Patrick]

Patrick:
[fumingly] Ooh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[furiously screams] OVERTIME?!?!

Patrick:
[simultaneously] Yeah, overtime, pal! And you know what else? It's always working when you're too tired to work! You just keep going on working and working!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[simultaneously] Oh, yeah, that's working! And if that's the kind of work you're doing, then show me when or where to sign up for, 'cause I've been working my fingers to the bone! You never help! Never!

[Junior's tweeting is heard]

Patrick:
There's that stupid noise again!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh, that's not a stupid noise; that's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.

[Junior is seen ready to fly]

Patrick:
Oh.

Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants:
[eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!

[about "Robot Krabs"]

Squidward:
Um SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?

SpongeBob:
...the movie? OH! The ending was great! Turns out there were no robots, it was just their... imagination...

[Spongebob laughs nervously and looks at watch]

SpongeBob:
Hey, it's time to feed Gary...

SpongeBob:
[He bolts out the door]

Squidward:
[Squidward begins sweeping nervously]

Mr. Krabs:
SQUIDWARD!

Mr. Krabs:
[question for Squidward] You're gonna interrogate my blender? You're crazy!

[Squidward is about to destroy the cash register, which SpongeBob called "the last robot"]

Mr. Krabs:
[sobbing] Not my cash register! I raised it myself. I got it when it was just a little calculator.

[Mr. Krabs then continues to cry]

[repeated line]

Mr. Krabs:
I'm Mr. Krabs!

[SpongeBob and Squidward are accusing Mr. Krabs of being a robot, repeatedly asking the "robot" what happened to the "real" Mr. Krabs]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
This is one stubborn robot.

Mr. Krabs:
[in anger] What? You think I'm a robot?

Squidward:
We don't think. We know.

Mr. Krabs:
That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You know Patrick since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.

Patrick:
Yeah, at least until it's old enough to be on it's own. Oh, I want to be the mom!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I don't think you can be the mom Patrick, because you never wear a shirt

Patrick:
[thinks for a moment] You're right, if I was a mom [shows a closeup of his body showing he's really fat and hairy] this would be kind of shocking [raises his arms in excitement showing his hairy armpits] Just call me daddy!

Mr. Krabs:
[Spongebob and Squidward approach him with angry looks on their faces] Oh hello boys, what can I do for you? [Spongebob and Squidward shut the door and lock it] Heh, heh why did you lock the door? [nervously] why do you have that rope?, who's watching the cash register? [Spongebob and Squidward attack him and tie him to a chair] SpongeBob!, Squidward!, what is the meaning of this? Untie me this instance!

Squidward:
[slaps him] Shut up!

Mr. Krabs:
Sweet Davy Jones!, what the heck is going on?

Squidward:
I said shut up, you bucket of bolts! [slaps him again]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I can't take it! [runs off crying]

Squidward:
SpongeBob are you okay?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!

Squidward:
No that's not Mr. Krabs, that's Robot Krabs!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh yeah

Squidward:
And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Right [walks up to Mr. Krabs and slaps him]

Squidward:
SpongeBob you have to ask him a question first

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh yeah [to Mr. Krabs] What color is my underwear? [slaps him again]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I guess I'll never know the real meaning of summer. There was a time I thought I knew, but that was a long time ago.

Squidward:
You mean this morning?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yeah.

[after Squidward is attacked by the Seabear]

Squidward:
What did I do this time?

SpongeBob:
I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!

Patrick:
Pretend to be somebody else!

Squidward:
Move over!

[he jumps into the Anti-Seabear circle; the Seabear growls at Squidward before seeing the circle and threatens him before moving away]

SpongeBob:
I call this one The Campfire Song Song

SpongeBob:
[singing] Let's gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song, out C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song and if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along

Patrick:
[in Squidward's ear] Baum, baum, baum

SpongeBob:
[singing a bit faster] C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, Patrick

Patrick:
[singing off key] SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E

SpongeBob:
Squidward

Squidward:
[silence]

SpongeBob:
Good!

SpongeBob:
[singing again] It'll help! It'll help! If you just sing along! Oh yeah!

SpongeBob:
[singing] Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song/Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E song/And if you don't think that we can sing faster then you're wrong/But it'll help if you just sing along.

SpongeBob:
It's bad to play your clarinet badly out in the wilderness, it might attract a Seabear.

Squidward:
I suppose you two are gonna do [voice-over] One million dollar!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
He's right, Squidward, Seabears are all too real. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's *cousin*...

Squidward:
YOU'RE RIGHT!

SpongeBob:
I call this one The Campfire Song Song.

Sergeant Roderick:
You must all observe the rules of my class. Rule one: no talking.

Student #1:
Does that mean...?

[Sergeant Roderick picks up student, throws student through wall]

Sergeant Roderick:
Rule two: no eating in class. [Pulls out box of bon-bons] Would anyone care for a bon-bon?

Student #2:
I would. [Others gasp]

Sergeant Roderick:
Pick your favorite. [Student eats bon-bon] How's it taste?

Student #2:
It's a delightful taste sensation.

Sergeant Roderick:
[Picks up student] No eating in my classroom! [Throws student through wall]

Sergeant Roderick:
What are you supposed to be learning in this class?

SpongeBob:
To drive?

Sergeant Roderick:
Affirmative, but before you can learn to drive, you must first learn to crawl, then you can learn to walk, and then to run. But before you can learn to walk, you must first learn to crawl. I want you to crawl!

Mrs. Puff:
That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has ever failed my class.

Mr. Fitz:
Yes, but he's failed it one million, fifty-six thousand, fifty-seven times.

SpongeBob:
How'd I do?

Sergeant Roderick:
How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian... *how you did*?

Patrick:
Squidward, I don't like crusts on my sandwich.

Squidward:
It's a bun Patrick. It's all crusts. How I am supposed to cut the crusts off a bun?

Patrick:
Peel it!

[Squidward does so]

Squidward:
A bubble bath? Why would I give you a bubble bath?

Patrick:
Because Mr. Krabs said you would. Hope that you make my back extra shiny clean.

Squidward:
[shouts] That's it, I've had enough.

[Walks out of bathroom]

Patrick:
Squidward, wait. The toilet's backed up again.

Squidward:
Why would anyone stay at a hotel in Bikini Bottom? It's in the middle of scenic nowhere. There's nothing to do here except get stung by jellyfish.

[Jellyfish stings Squidward]

Squidward:
See?

Old Man Jenkins:
I knew no good would come from city folk and their flying machines.

[they have been chased away by Old Man Jenkins]

Patrick:
We'd better do what he says... he knows how to grow food.

[SpongeBob has just fallen of the edge of a cliff]

Fish:
Good riddence, dreamer!

Narrator:
Now, get lost, I mean bye. No really, get lost.

Patchy the Pirate:
I can't believe I lost the lost episode. I've never lost anything in my life!

Potty:
What about your leg?

Patchy the Pirate:
Well, the leg...

Potty:
And the eye.

Patchy the Pirate:
And the eye...

Potty:
And your hand!

Patchy the Pirate:
And my... oh, stop it!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[singing] Inflatable pants/You may as well skip!

SpongeBob:
[clears throat, then sings] I wish I could join you there in the air / Floating free, without a care / I wish I could fly, and see things with a different eye / If I could fly, so very high, and touch the sky / And never have to ask why it is, that I can't fly /

[Falls to the ground]

ManRay:
The belt is gone but I still feel its tickle.

ManRay:
Excuse me, sir, but I believe you dropped your wallet.

Patrick:
It doesn't look familiar to me.

ManRay:
What? But I just saw you drop it. I am trying to be a good person, and return it to you.

Patrick:
Return what to who?

ManRay:
[reaching into the wallet and pulling out Patrick's I.D] Are you a Mr. Patrick Star?

Patrick:
Yep.

ManRay:
And this is your I.D.

Patrick:
Yep.

ManRay:
I found this I.D. in this wallet, and therefore, this must be your wallet.

Patrick:
Makes sense to me.

ManRay:
So, take it.

Patrick:
It's not my wallet.

Clown:
Hello folks. I'm gonna skip right past the jokes and proceed immediately to the part where I throw pie at you.

ManRay:
Fear not, SpongeBob. Your teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks with little poodles on them.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronzefish.

Sandy Cheeks:
Well, hello there, little dude.

Female fish:
Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid.

Kid Fish:
All right, mommy.

Sandy Cheeks:
Stupidity isn't a virus, but it sure is spreading like one.

[Mrs. Puff has been jailed for gross negligence]

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
Okay, you can do this, Puff. You can get through this without losing your sanity. Oh, that's a road we don't want to go down again. Positives. Think of the positives. Let's see... I've got no more papers to grade. Yeah! In fact, no more work. No more boating school classes. No more driving, no more SpongeBob... [her brain clicks]... no more phone solicitors, no more SpongeBob, no more company potlucks, no more SpongeBob, no more road rage, no more SpongeBob, no more insurance payments, no more SpongeBob, no more SpongeBob... [laughing and speaking maniacally]... no more SpongeBob, no more SpongeBob! [sighs] I think I'm gonna like this place.

Squidward Tentacles:
SpongeBob will you just face facts? You've shrunken everyone in Bikini Bottom! You've got to go to Mermaid Man!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh Squidward he'll be so disappointed.

Sandy Cheeks:
Well you can't leave us small forever!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[on the verge of tears] But you don't understand!

Mrs. SquarePants:
[Spongebob's parents appear in the jar] SpongeBob you need to admit your mistakes

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mom?

Mermaid Man:
Your mother's right son, Mermaid Man will understand

Barnacle Boy:
You're Mermaid Man you old coot!

Mermaid Man:
Oh yeah.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[about using Mermaid Man's belt to return Squidward to normal size] If only I knew how to work this thing!

Patrick Star:
Let me take a look at it. [looks at the belt for a while] Hmmm, you know what the problem is?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What?

Patrick Star:
You got it set to "M" for mini, when it should be set to "W" for wumbo [turns the M on the belt upside down]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Partrick I don't think wumbo is a real word

Patrick Star:
Oh come on SpongeBob! You know, I wumbo, You wumbo, He she me wumbo, wumbo, Wumboing, We'll have thee wumbo, Wumborama, Wumbology, The study of wumbo? It's first grade SpongeBob!

Squidward Tentacles:
[looking down while he is being held in Patrick's hand] I wonder if a fall from this height could be enough to kill me?

[Spongebob is at the First Nautical Bank, wearing a sock over his head, with a bag in his hands, facing away from the bank teller]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Alright, put the money in the bag! PUT IT IN!

Bank Teller:
Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[laughs, then turns around to face teller] ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!

Bank Teller:
Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Uhh, savings.

Bank Teller:
May I please see some identification?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sure. [he hands teller his Jellyfishers Club Membership card] Here ya go.

Bank Teller:
Thank you. [briefly types on cash register] Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Oh.

Bank Teller:
Next!

Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy:
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy UNITE!

Mr. Krabs:
Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip...

Crowd:
Hooray!

Squidward:
[unenthusiastic] Hooray.

Mr. Krabs:
Hip-hip...

Crowd:
Hooray!

Squidward:
Whoop-dee-doo.

Mr. Krabs:
Hip-hip...

Crowd:
Hooray!

Squidward:
Oh, Boy...

SpongeBob SquarePants:
And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place while I was gone: Squidward. Hip-hip...

Crowd:
Boo!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hip-hip...

Crowd:
Boo!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hip-hip...

Crowd:
Boo!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hip-hip...

Deep vioce in crowd:
Boo! You stink!

SpongeBob:
But you can't retire! There's evil afoot!

Mermaid Man:
Wha? Evil! Evil! [he runs to a coral pot and start hanging on it] Barnacle Boy! Don't forget the Evil!

SpongeBob:
All I said was, there's evil afoot.

Mermaid Man:
Evil! Evil! E...

Barnacle Boy:
Would you please stop saying that?

[hanging on a water fountain. An old fish nearby shakes his head in disapproval] Evil! Evil, evil, evil, evil, evil! [water squirts at him] DISGRACE! [the caretaker comes, grabs SpongeBob and Patrick and throws them out]

[Squidward is subbing for SpongeBob at the grill]

Male fish:
Hey, he burned my Krabby Patty.

Female fish:
He burned my fries.

Boy fish:
He burned my shake.

[a waterball is thrown at SpongeBob]

Mermaid Man:
He's absorbing it like some kind of evil sponge!

Mermaid Man:
If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Orderly:
What is going on in here?

Mermaid Man:
[Points at SpongeBob] You may kiss the bride!

[SpongeBob is kicked out of the retirement home and rolls back home]

Patrick Star:
Did you reunite our heroes?

SpongeBob:
No, but I'm married.

Barnacle Boy:
[after Mermaid Man has summoned everyone from the retirement home] The creatures of the deep seem to have lost some of their luster.

Mermaid Man:
I did it! I feel five years younger. It's good to be back.

Barnacle Boy:
We did it, you old coot.

Mermaid Man:
Who are you?

Squidward:
Let me guess, tiny. A small salad?

Bubblebass:
I want a triple barfy deluxe on a raft, four-by-four animal style; an extra side of shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze; light axle grease, make it cry, burn it and let it swim.

Squidward:
We serve food here, sir.

SpongeBob:
[Wearing underwear on head and walking backwards] Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?

Mr. Krabs:
Why are you talking funny, man?

SpongeBob:
I anything can't do right since because pickles.

Mr. Krabs:
Nonsense. You'll be back working at the Krusty Krab in no time.

SpongeBob:
I don't think ready back go to work, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
You're doing just fine.

[SpoongeBob walks through a closed door]

Mr. Krabs:
Well, maybe not. All you need to do is get your confidence back, so you can make me more money... er, I mean, patties. He-he.

SpongeBob:
I how do that?

Mr. Krabs:
It's like riding a bike. You never forget.

[Sees a bicycle on a boiling pot in SpongeBob's stove]

Mr. Krabs:
Uh, I'm going to help you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Look! He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!

Mr. Krabs:
And there's the pickles from last time, too!

Female fish:
And there's my car keys!

Bubblebass:
And... there's my ride! [Runs off]

Mermaid Man:
I did it! I feel five years younger! Ooh, it's good to be back!

Barnacle Boy:
[shakes hands with Mermaid Man] We did it, you old coot.

Mermaid Man:
Who are you?

SpongeBob:
Have you forgotten what we are looking for KNEE-DEEP IN YESTERDAY'S TOP FORTY SONGS?

Plankton:
Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropiate the formulary for affordable comestibles! Who will join me?

Plankton:
Alone, we are powerless, but together, the Plankton family can be a real pain in the fanny. Maybe Krabbs can handle one Plankton, but let's see him take on two, or ten, or a hundred, or a thousand!

Plankton:
Attention, Krusty Krab management! This is your better speaking!

Mr. Krabs:
Attention all employees! Just giving you a heads-up. I'll be conducting a surprise uniform inspection in one hour. Whoever doesn't pass gets the boot.

[Pulls out a boot]

Mr. Krabs:
This boot to be exact. It's very stinky, and you have to wear it all day.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
This working out thing isn't working out.

[SpongeBob and Patrick have broken Squidward's wax sculpture of himself, and think it's Squidward]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I don't know quite how to say this, but I'm afraid our dear pal Squidward is... is pushing up daisies.

Patrick:
Oh, I thought he was dead.

[SpongeBob and Patrick think Squidward is a ghost]

Squidward:
Enough! Squidward's ghost is feeling unusually generous today, and has decided to spare ye a horrible fate. Sssss. All you must do is obey my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Does that include...?

Squidward:
Quiet! Do as you're told, lest you incur the wrath of Squidward!

Patrick:
I think they make a cream for that now.

Patrick:
[on Squidward] Yeah, he really needs to go up to the great beyond.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Patrick, say that again.

Patrick:
That again.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, the other thing.

Patrick:
No, the other thing.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, what you said before when you...

Patrick:
No, what you said before when you...

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Nevermind, I've got an idea!

Patrick:
Never mind, I've got an idea.

Shark:
Hey! Hey you! Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy! Ooh, I'm a little peanut worm! Are you to much of a wimp to workout? Are you a weakling, built like a sponge? Now you too can have muscles, with Anchor Arms! They fit on like a glove. Just add air. How big do you want them? Normal? Veiny? And for the ladies, hairy. I was once a wimp before Anchor Arms. Now I'm a jerk and everybody loves me. So order now, wimp!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I can do this. I've got Anchor Arms! I'm no wimp! I'm a jerk!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Okay, Patrick, Hike!

[Patrick blows on some chess pieces, while SpongeBob carries a rock and drops it]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You just lost three points.

[climbs coral tree]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
One, two, five.

[blows bubble shaped like a G and a 7]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
G-7!

Patrick:
G-7? King me! King me!

[runs into coral]

Patrick:
I lose!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
But it's not Tuesday, Patrick.

Patrick:
Tartar sauce!

Squidward:
[opens window from house] Hey! What are you invertebrates doing?

SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick:
We don't know.

[Patrick and SpongeBob are carring Squidward in his lounge chair]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Here?

Squidward:
No, too wet.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Here?

Squidward:
No, too hot. Keep moving. Keep moving. [they move to a spoof of a Henri Toulouse-Lautrec poster]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Here?

Squidward:
Too Louse-Lautrec. [rimshot]

Squidward:
I hunger for nourishment.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Nothing but the freshest, your ghostliness. A grape fresh from the vine, your noncorporealness. A banana peeled to your liking, your inmaterialness.

Patrick:
[drops a huge watermelon on Squidward's mouth] One watermelon straight from the manure fields, your spookiness.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Art thou not pleased?

Squidward:
Enough! I want something else, something hard to find.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
We are here to please you.

Patrick:
What do you hunger for, master?

Squidward:
Cherry pie. [Patrick pulls out a cherry pie from his back] Where did you get that?

Patrick:
I found it.

Squidward:
[throws away pie] Well, go find it again!

Squidward:
[notices a tombstone outside his house as SpongeBob and Patrick attempt to put him to rest] Spongebob, are you trying to put me in the nuthouse?

SpongeBob:
Nope, just into this hole.

Squidward:
[sighs] SpongeBob, I have a confession to make...

SpongeBob:
[as Squidward takes off the towel on his head, he gasps] You're bald?

Squidward:
No, I'm not bald! I'm alive!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Who were you expecting, Tiny Tim?

Patrick:
[returns with the pie Squidward threw earlier] I found it!

Squidward:
I'll take that! [throws it in his face]

Patrick:
Yes your ghostliness! [licks pie off his face] this is fun.

Squidward:
Let me get this straight. You two bought a big screen television just so you could play in the box?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Pretty smart, huh?

Patrick:
I thought it wouldn't work.

Mr. Krabs:
We've been duped!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
*Duped*!

Mr. Krabs:
Bamboozled!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
We've been smackledorfed!

Mr. Krabs:
That's not even a word and I agree with ya!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
But Mister Krabs, there's no reason to worry. The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe.

Mr. Krabs:
You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son?

Mr. Krabs:
Ice? There's no ice! There never was any ice! Ice is just a myth!

Mr. Krabs:
Look at him suffer! Ha ha ha ha!

News Anchor:
We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash!

Squidward:
I didn't realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You're right, Mr. Krabs. I'm guilty. I'll never survive in prison. They'll mop up the floor with me!

SpongeBob:
Hello, Squidward. Oops... I mean, goodbye, Squidward. Aw, isn't Opposite Day... terrible?

SpongeBob:
Aha! I understand everything now. I must be the opposite of SpongeBob by being...

[Pulls on his nose to make it droopy and ties his belt around his head]

SpongeBob:
...Squidward.

Patrick Star:
Hey, I wanna be opposite too.

[SpongeBob puts a fake nose on Patrick]

Patrick Star:
Yeah, finally! I'm Squidward! I'm Squidward! Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, it's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite.

SpongeBob:
[speaks like Squidward] You have to act like him, too. Boy, oh, boy. Do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long, but I never get any better. Now you try it.

Patrick Star:
Okay.

[Takes deep breath]

Patrick Star:
I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

Squidward:
Opposite Day. Next time it's gonna be Go Jump Off a Cliff Day.

Patrick Star:
Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that.

SpongeBob:
You have?

Patrick Star:
No, what is it?

Patrick:
[Crazy] If I can't have you as a friend, I'm gonna make you a trophy. I even picked out this nice jar for you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Gary! It's Opposite Day and I'm - Walk, don't run - and I'm going to - Opposite. Opposite - I'm just going to crawl into bed and do nothing all day. Too bad it only comes once a year. Huh, Gary?

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Gary! Where's your holiday spirit?

Gary:
Woof.

SpongeBob:
And Squidward, I want you to have this can opener.

Squidward:
And I thought this friendship would never pay off.

Sandy Cheeks:
Hey, SpongeBob. Whatcha doing? Are you having a garage sale?

SpongeBob:
No. I'm giving up my material possessions to live a more natural life among the jellyfish.

Sandy Cheeks:
SpongeBob, Of all the crazy schemes. Why do you want to live with jellyfish? They're cold and mean and none too bright.

SpongeBob:
Oh, Sandy. That is exactly the kind of response I expect from someone who lives the sham of a life I once led. I'm going to prove I don't need any of this stuff to be happy. Maybe someday you'll wise up and join me. Goodbye. [Takes off pants] I won't be needing this.

[Runs off naked, buzzing]

Squidward:
He took off his pants.

Sandy Cheeks:
I'll give him a week.

Squidward:
I'll give him eleven minutes.

[They both leave; Patrick stays behind]

Patrick Star:
[Crying] Patrick sad!

Sandy Cheeks:
[Placing bets on how long it will take Spongebob to become discouraged by the jellyfish] I give him a week.

Squidward:
I give him eleven minutes.

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob, you wouldn't last one day in the wild. [Points to kitchen] This is your natural habitat. [Points to stove] This is your wide-open range. [Points to deep fryers] These are your amber waves. [Takes a spatula out of the sink] And this... oh, this is your golden scepter with which you rule! Now that's better than nasty old jellyfish. Right, SpongeBob?

Mr. Krabs:
This is the fourth time this week I had to scrape you off of something.

Mr. Krabs:
Wake up, boy! You're burning me money!

[SpongeBob appears on the horizon]

Sandy Cheeks:
Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty.

[whispers]

Sandy Cheeks:
Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line.

Patrick:
[picks up paper] Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite.

[on the verge of tears]

Patrick:
Take bite.

Squidward:
Gosh! I need to scrub myself off! [Goes to bathtub; finds Patrick inside] Ahhhh!

Patrick:
Hey, buddy! I warmed it up for you!

Squidward:
Patrick! What are you doing here?

SpongeBob:
[Peeking through the window] Something wrong, best friend? Oho, so this is what I find - my best friend and my ex-best friend and... rubber bath toys!

Squidward:
If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar.

Customer:
Hey, I just got my license.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, I'm getting mine next.

Customer:
Hey, I doubt it.

SpongeBob:
I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.

Patrick:
Hey, you're a turkey!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What's that?

Patrick:
It's what you are!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!

Patrick:
Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What?

Patrick:
You are!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, Mrs. Puff! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!...

Mrs. Puff:
Oh! I'm not ready.

Patrick:
What's pink and square at the same time?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I don't know, Patrick.

Patrick:
[Wearing SpongeBob's pants] Patrick SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, Squidward!

Squidward:
What?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm ready, Squidward!

Squidward:
Ready to move?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, ready to get my boating license.

[repeated line]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready.

Squidward Tentacles:
SpongeBob! Why is your underwear in the cash register?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, I had to put it somewhere, and my underwear drawer is full of Krabby Patties, and the freezer is full with my snowflake collection, so I put all the change in the register in the pickle jar.

Mr. Krabs:
You can't hang your delicates in front of my customers' faces.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
The customers don't seem to mind.

[a customer wipes his mouth with one of SpongeBob's undies]

Mr. Krabs:
Ugh, I have disgusting clientele.

Mr. Krabs:
Who put this sweet-smelling soap in all the restrooms?

Squidward Tentacles:
The same person who knitted these napkin holders and embroidered the menus.

Mr. Krabs:
There are two ways of getting on my bad side, boys: I don't like kids playing in my yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat.

Squidward Tentacles:
That’s totally selfish!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yeah. Your yard is really fun. There are kids playing on it right now.

Mr. Krabs:
What?! Hey, you kids get off of my lawn!

Plankton:
I don't get it! I turn the Krusty Krab into an ice cube, and he turns it into an ice rink! He's making more money than ever!

Karen:
That's because, unlike you, he's a good businessman.

Plankton:
Well, if it isn't the wind beneath my wings.

Karen:
I can't understand why you just don't steal a Krabby Patty in all the confusion?

Plankton:
I'll be right back.

Karen:
I don't know why I encourage him.

Squidward Tentacles:
If SpongeBob is living here, that means he's not living... next to me! [Lies down on ground making snow angels]

Mr. Krabs:
[Watching Squidward on the floor] Must be a full moon.

Plankton:
It's just business. Well, maybe it is a little personal. I'm touching your thermostat! I'm touching your thermostat!

Squidward Tentacles:
It's entirely too cold in here! You have to turn up the thermostat!

Mr. Krabs:
[Points to thermostat, which has a sticker reading 62 over the display] The thermostat stays at 62 degrees.

Squidward Tentacles:
There are icicles on the ceiling!

Mr. Krabs:
I don't care if Santy Claus and Jack Frost are having ice cream cones. Don't... Touch... The thermostat!

Squidward Tentacles:
I'm gonna die of hypothermia.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hippo-whatia? What's that mean?

Mr. Krabs:
Means he's a big, fat, cry baby.

Mr. Krabs:
You lose again, Plankton.

Plankton:
I'm not giving up yet, Krabs. I've still got my secret weapon: The thermostat! [laughs]

Mr. Krabs:
[gasps] The thermostat!

Plankton:
That's right, Krabs. It was I who froze the Krusty Krab. [removes the sticker reading 62 from the thermostat display, revealing it to really be -15 degrees] See?

Mr. Krabs:
[gasps] You've gone too far, Plankton! You can pound me employees, try to destroy me restaurant, but nobody messes with me thermostat!

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
What is going on here?

Patrick:
Spongebob and me were fighting.

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
[gasp] Fighting? I won't take any of that! That's it! Spongebob, I sentence you and your friend... to detention!

SpongeBob:
[gasp] Detention?

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
May Neptune have mercy on your soul!

Patrick:
24

[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[giggling] Hey Patrick, I just thought of something funnier than 24.

Patrick:
Let's hear it.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
25.

[both burst out laughing]

Patrick:
[he has been sent to get Rodger a new light bulb] Light bulb!

[he looks at the pile of light bulbs then looks up at the light bulb screwed in and going at the top of the pile of light bulbs]

Patrick:
But why does it have to be so far away?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Behold, Patrick, the hallway of learning. And here's the fountain of learning. And these are the lockers of learning.

Patrick:
And these are the stairs of learning, right?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, they're just the stairs. *These* are the stairs of learning.

Patrick:
Hi, SpongeBob. Wanna go jellyfishing?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sorry, Patrick, I can't. I have school today.

Patrick:
But what am I supposed to do all day while you're gone?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I don't know. What do you usually do all day?

Patrick:
[crying] Wait for you to get back.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
[a Jaws-like theme plays in the soundtrack] SpongeBob, reel it in, quick! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D-minor! Every sailor knows it means death!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, Squidward. You want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?

Squidward Tentacles:
How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?

Patrick:
Where is everybody?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I don't know. Home, probably. Class doesn't start until nine.

Patrick:
[Looks at watch] 6:20? But I thought you said you were late.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Late for being early.

Patrick:
Hey! When did I start wearing a watch?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Congratulations, sir! You have just given me my one-millionth dollar!

Sandals:
Great. What do I win?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Nothing. Now get out.

Sandals:
What?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Get out! Everybody get out! You're spoiling me moment!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Poor Mr. Krabs, gone out of our lives forever. Why couldn't it have been me?

Squidward Tentacles:
Yes! Why couldn't it have been you?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Why did he have to leave us like this?

Squidward Tentacles:
Why did he have to leave me tied up to this idiot?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I hate you, Patrick.

Patrick:
I hate you too.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I hate you no matter what.

Patrick:
I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'd hate you even if that made sense.

Patrick:
I'd hate you even if you were me. That's how much I hate you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
The ligthbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!

Patrick:
Roger! Without it the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[the lightbulb flies through the air] The lightbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!

Patrick:
[Roger's egg flies through the air] Roger! Without him the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!

[they are at the jellyfish convention]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Cool state of the art jellyfish nets!

Patrick:
[touches] Touch.

Security:
Don't touch.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wow! The harpoon from Jellyfish: The Movie!

Patrick:
[touches] Touch.

Security:
Don't touch!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Look! Dr. Manowar! The guy who got stung by Big Lenny and lived!

Dr. Manowar:
...And now it only hurts when you touch it.

[Patrick touches, doctor screams]

Patrick:
Touch.

Security:
Do I have to follow you all day?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Okay, Mrs. Puff. How many points was that?

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
Six.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Whooooo! And how many points do I need to pass?

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
Six.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Whooooo...

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
...Hundred.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wha?

Mrs. Poppy Puff:
Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wow! I've never been bait before. I don't believe I've seen a queen jellyfish, either.

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
Then I bet you've never used a queen jellyfish call before.

[Gives SpongeBob a whistle; he blows on it and it sounds like "Loser"]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hey, I've heard this call before.

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
I'll bet you have.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hi, Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
You're too kind. Security!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, wait! I'd do anything for you!

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
Why don't you go jump off a building.

[SpongeBob jumps off building, returns]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Anything.

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
Punch yourself in the face.

[SpongeBob punches himself with a boxing glove]

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
Doesn't that hurt you?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Puts on a metal gauntlet with spikes] Do you want it to hurt me, Kevin?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hi, Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
That's nice. Security!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, no! I'll do anything you want!

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
Go jump off a building.

[SpongeBob jumps off building, returns]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Anything.

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
Punch yourself in the face.

[SpongeBob punches himself with a boxing glove]

Kevin the Sea Cucumber:
Doesn't that hurt?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Puts on a metal gauntlet with spikes] Do you want it to hurt, Kevin?

[inside SpongeBob's mind. ]

Spongbob boss:
Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?

SpongeBob worker:
You don't pay me. You don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

Spongbob boss:
One more crack like that and you're outta here!

SpongeBob worker:
NO, PLEASE! I HAVE THREE KIDS!

Squidward Tentacles:
[thinking] Lie... lie... lying always makes it worse... [Speaking] I own a five-star restaurant!

[Squidward is worrying about impressing a classmate]

Squidward:
[to himself] Don't be intimidated. Picture him in his underwear.

[pictures Squilliam in his underwear - he is extremely muscular]

Squidward:
Oh, no, he's hot!

Squilliam Fancyson:
On your lunch break, eh Squidie?

Squidward:
Uhh... duh... I... um... hey, whatcha been up to?

Squilliam Fancyson:
Oh, just exceeding in everything *you* failed in.

Squidward:
You are no great gib, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone could be a bigshot in a hicktown like Bikini Bottom.

Squilliam Fancyson:
Oh, yeah? Well let's hear what you've accomplished since high school.

Squidward:
Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Just picture him in his underwear... Oh, no, he's hot!

Squilliam Fancyson:
Squidward Tenticales has the fanciest restaurant in Bikini Bottom... and he does not suck eggs.

Squidward Tentacles:
I thought you said you were the head chef of the S.S. Gourmet.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Did I say that? No. I cleaned the floors at the Gourmet. I was head chef of the S.S. Diarrhea.

Dr. Fish:
What happened?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I tripped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.

Dr. Fish:
Boo-boos, eh? I think you need that hospital over there.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Weenie Hut General?

[Sandy and SpongeBob are doing karate at the beach]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
HI-YAH!... Sandy?

Sandy Cheeks:
Oh, I'm Sandy all right. I'm very Sandy. HI-YAH!

[Comes up from under the sand and launches SpongeBob into the air]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[as he flies through the air] Oh, I get it. She's Sandy. That's her name, and she's also covered in, yes...

Reg:
Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?

Tough Fish:
How tough am I? How tough am I?! I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning!

Reg:
Yeah, so?

Tough Fish:
Without any milk.

Reg:
Uh, right this way. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Customer #1:
Couldn't get in, eh? What you need is a tough hairdo. No one gets into the double-S without a tough hairdo.

Customer #2:
I have to disagree. I saw a guy go in, and he was bald.

Customer #1:
I saw that guy. He wasn't bald, he had a shaved head. Shaved. That's a hairdo. Hey, where'd he go?

Robot:
I believe he said something about going to the wig store.

Customer #1:
Ha ha! Check and mate.

Spongbob boss:
Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?

SpongeBob worker:
You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

Squidward Tentacles:
Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?

Patrick Star:
You mean like a weenie? Okay! [Patrick's eyes big and he talks in a goofy voice] May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...

Squidward Tentacles:
All right, I've heard enough. You got the job.

Reg:
This place is too tough for you.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Too tough for me? That's downright ridiculous. I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes.

Squidward:
[Spongebob and Squidward are sharing the same body] Sandy, that's got to get us separated!

Sandy Cheeks:
[holds up device] Say hello to the Molecular Separator Ray!

Squidward:
[smoothly] Hello, Molecular Separator Ray!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Come on, Patrick. Let's do something fun.

Patrick:
Would you like to run some statistics, or observe phenomena and formulate hypotheses about said phenomena?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Are you feeling better now, Patrick? What are you doing?

Patrick:
Oh, just observing this interesting sub-species.

Plankton:
[Under microscope] I'll show you a sub-species!

Squidward:
Spongebob, you buffoon!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Ha. Everyone knows I'm a sponge. I look nothing like a balloon.

Guy:
Rock on, freaky bro!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I've got bad news, guys. Look at what happened to my house, it's gone. It's all gone. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna live?

Squidward Tentacles:
Yeah!

[surprised look on Patrick's face]

Patrick:
Hey, SpongeBob, your house is gone!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[singing] The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza / For you and me / The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza...

Squidward Tentacles:
...and my feet are killing me.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Chanting] Saved, saved! Saved, saved! Saved-saved, saved-saved, saved-saved-saved-saved-saved-saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Yes, we are saved!

Squidward Tentacles:
It's just a stupid boulder.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
It's not just a boulder. It's a rock. [Crying] A rock! A rock! A great, big, beautiful rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.

Squidward Tentacles:
SpongeBob! Will you stop talking about the stupid pioneers? Have you noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive... [SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the rock]... rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I guess we'll have to move back in with my parents.

Patrick:
You can't move back in with your parents. When my parents threw me out of the house, I never looked back.

Squidward Tentacles:
[SpongeBob is being dragged by the wind] Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I can't, it's for the customer!

Squidward Tentacles:
Who cares about the customer?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I do!

Squidward Tentacles:
Well, I don't! [the wind stops]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[gasp] Squidward! [wind starts up again]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I think town's that way.

Squidward Tentacles:
Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yes. Moss always points to civilization.

Squidward Tentacles:
That way? That way there? Let me get this straight. You're saying we should go that way?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yup.

Squidward Tentacles:
Well, then I'm going this way. [Walks in the other direction]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Huh? Wait, Squidward! I don't think...

Squidward Tentacles:
Trust me, I know what I'm doing. [they walk away; camera pulls back to show town in opposite direction]

[Nat enters Chum Bucket]

Plankton:
Nat, back already? That's the fifth time today! Not that I'm surprised.

Patrick:
Liar, liar, plants for hire.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
It's “pants on fire,” Patrick.

Patrick:
Well you would know, liar.

Patrick:
We're not talking about some dumb mail fraud scheme or hijacking, here. WE STOLE A BALLOON!

SpongeBob Squarepants:
But at least it's warm around the fire.

Patrick:
Hey, if we're under water, how can there be a...

[Fire goes out]

Patrick:
I'm scared, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Hibernation? What's that?

Sandy Cheeks:
It's when I sleep all winter.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Can I do that?

Sandy Cheeks:
No, silly. It's a mammalian thing.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sandy, you may not have noticed, but I is one-hundred-percent ma-male.

Sandy Cheeks:
[Leadind a search for SpongeBob] Status report!

Male Fish:
[Covered in sea urchins] He's not in the poison sea urchin beds.

Sandy Cheeks:
Well, look again!

Female Fish:
[Covered in leeches] He's not in the leech farm.

Sandy Cheeks:
Well, look again!

Squidward Tentacles:
He's not in my thoughts.

Sandy Cheeks:
Well, think again!

Sandy Cheeks:
SpongeBob's tie, and all his other little dressings? But -But SpongeBob always folds his clothes before running around... in the nude!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Life's as extreme as you wanna make it!

Sandy Cheeks:
I'm hotter than a hickory-smoked sausage!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Pulls out two candy bars] Look what I've got!

Patrick:
[excited] Rectangles!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Not just any rectangles, candy bars!

Patrick:
[staring with amazement] Ooh!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[hands one to Patrick] All we have to do is make them last for the rest of our lives.

Patrick:
Thanks Spongebob I think I'll eat it now [quickly scarfs it down and breaths a sigh of relief] I think I'll eat it now [bites his hand forgetting he had eaten the candy bar] Ow!, hey where'd my candy bar go? [digs in the sand looking for it] I must have dropped it!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You just ate it Pat, it's all over your face.

Patrick:
[continues looking for the candy bar he forgot he ate] I can't find it!, where could it possibly be? [looks at Spongebob holding his candy bar] Aha!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
What?

Patrick:
[jumps out of the hole he dug and accusingly points at Spongebob] You stole my candy bar!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No I didn't.

Patrick:
Oh so that's how it is huh?, once a thief always a thief!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You ate yours [points at the candy bar] this is mine.

Patrick:
You took my only food, now I'm going to starve! [shows a closeup of Patrick's fat and bloated stomach full of cellulite]

[Talking about the advantages of being felons]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
And you get to talk tough.

[gruff voice]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
This town ain't big enough for the two of us.

Patrick:
Let me try. Uh... hey, punk.

Patrick:
This grain of sand looks very suspicious. And so does this rock. And I have some questions for this little piece of grass.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother. And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg.

Patrick:
[about the person who made the giant clam at the zoo cry] When I find this person, I have a few choice words to say to him. Like "you" and "are" and "a jerk"!

Sandy:
I'm a squirrel, see.

[Points to a logo of an acorn on her suit]

SpongeBob:
I thought that meant you were nuts?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You know what that cloud reminds me of?

Sandy:
What?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
A flower.

Sandy:
SpongeBob, they all look like flowers. All the time.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
They sure do.

Patrick:
Hey, we are not chicken! [Drops bucket of popcorn] My popcorn! [Pecks popcorn like a chicken]

Sandy Cheeks:
Holy guacamole!

Patrick:
Hey SpongeBob! [Spongebob screams in terror and his limbs and eyes pop off] This is it all the clues are coming together, I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! I'm so close to solving this crime I can almost taste it! [shows a closeup of Patrick's mouth as he licks what appears to be SpongeBob] [zooms out to reveal he's licking a Popsicle with Spongebob's skin pattern on it] Boy fighting crime sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!

Police fish:
[to Spongebob] Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[nervously] Y-Yes! [his upper body drops into his pants]

Police fish:
Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yes...

Police fish:
And are you familiar with this peanut?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[his pants rip open and his body parts fall out] Yes!

Police fish:
One more question... Is it true that you were at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[cries] Yes, yes, it's true!, it's all true!, the merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!

Police fish:
That's all we need to know son. Book him! [puts handcuffs on Patrick]

Patrick:
Wow you guys are good, I'm the last person I would've expected, but I was looking for me all the time!, It's the perfect crime!

Sandy Cheeks:
[hears Clamu crying in the background] Oh I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter, what kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about Sandy

Sandy Cheeks:
Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery! [rips a phone book in half] Now what was it you wanted to talk about SpongeBob? [Spongebob reacts nervously and starts twitching] Hey SpongeBob how come you're all twitchy like that?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry Sandy, I have to, um... um... go get my hair cut! [He runs home]

Sandy Cheeks:
SpongeBob doesn't have hair!... or does he? [reacts in disgust]

Patrick:
Look what I got. It's a note.

[SpongeBob turns it over and reveals a musical note]

Patrick:
But look what's on the back. A letter.

[SpongeBob turns it over and reveals a B]

[During Patrick's parents' visit,Spongebob appears at the door pretending to be and dressing like a fool]

Patrick:
Horray! The idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it!

[discussing Spongebob's house]

Janet:
He lives in a fruit?

Marty:
That's unhealthy.

Patrick:
A-B-C-D-E-F-G...

[Doorbell rings]

Patrick:
[Running to the door] H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O!

Patrick:
Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. Uhhh...

SpongeBob SquarePants:
After your parents find out how dumb I am, they'll realize what a genius you are.

Patrick:
But don't genius' live in lamps?

Patrick:
Don't geniuses live in lamps?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well Patrick, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go jellyfishing but I can see that you're busy having an episode.

SpongeBob Squarepants:
I'll slice the buns!

Sandy:
I'll dice the tomatoes!

SpongeBob Squarepants:
Then I'll cut the cheese!

Mr. Krabs:
Are you on allergy medication, boy?

SpongeBob:
No, Mr. Krabs. I'm practicing my karate... or kara-te, as some call it.

Mr. Krabs:
Kara-te? You should be making money-e, with your spatu-le.

Sandy Cheeks:
I love karate.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I love kara-te.

Mr. Krabs:
I love money-e.

Squidward:
I hate all of you.

Narrator:
Ah, it is Sunday morning in Bikini Bottom, and Squidward is getting ready to practice on his clarinet... so get your earplugs out.

SpongeBob Squarepants:
How much fun was that?

Sandy:
Almost some.

Hot Sauce Drop:
By the powers of naughtiness, I command this particular drop of hot sauce to be very, very hot!

Squidward:
[Curls into a ball and rocks back and forth] Future... Future... Future...

[Spongetron drops a brick on his head]

Squidward:
...Thanks.

SpongeBob Squarepants:
[as SpongeTron] Welcome to the future!

Squidward:
Uh, the future...

[notices everything's chrome]

Squidward:
Huh? Okay, uh, what's going on here? Why is everything... chrome?

SpongeBob Squarepants:
Everything is chrome in the future.

Squidward:
Wha...?

[stammers then runs to look outside a window]

Squidward:
Oh, my...

[notices the chrome environment]

Squidward:
Impossible! He's lying!

[sees a flower pop up, then someone comes by and sprays the flower with chrome spray paint]

Squidward:
He's right!

SpongeBob Squarepants:
Of course I'm right, Squidward. Just ask my clones: SpongeTrons X, Y, and Z.

Squidward:
Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?

SpongeBob Squarepants:
Sure, all 486 of them.

[Squidward is teaching art to SpongeBob]

Squidward:
Now, repeat after me. I have no talent.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I have no talent.

Squidward:
Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

Squidward:
If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles' talent may rub off on me.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles all over my art. [smiles big with his teeth while Squidward stares at him]

Squidward:
Whatever.

Monty P. Moneybags:
You shall be immortal!

Monty P. Moneybags:
Who's responsible for this?

Squidward:
[angrily] From now on, it's his responsibility!

[puts his artist's hat onto the janitor]

Squidward:
Good day to you, sirs!

[storms off]

Monty P. Moneybags:
[to the janitor] You, sir, are the greatest artist who ever lived!

Mr. Krabs:
Yes sir, that is bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 words you should never use.

Squidward:
Don't you mean seven?

Mr. Krabs:
Not if you're a sailor.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You, the teacher to my pupil? This isn't art class, it's heaven.

Squidward:
Yeah. Well, grab a little piece of heaven and sit down.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
MR. KRABS! MR. KRABS! MR. KRABS!

Mr. Krabs:
What? What? What?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!

Mr. Krabs:
Yes? Yes? Yes?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
He said, he said, he said...

Mr. Krabs:
On with it boy!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators and he was going up, up, up, and I had to ride the eel and then we ran, and Patrick, he said some things.

Mr. Krabs:
What kind of things?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, he said...

Mr. Krabs:
Yes...

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, let's just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say and this particular word happens to be word #11 on the list of thirteen words you said shouldn't be said.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
These hands were not meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them!

[SpongeBob's hands separate from his arms and hide in a can; Squidward retreives them]

Squidward:
Come on, SpongeBob. You have a pair of yellow dandies here. And with my help, they can be tools of beauty.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Really?

Squidward:
Really.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Really?

Squidward:
Really.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Really?

Squidward:
[impatient] Really!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Wow!... Really?

SpongeBob Squarepants:
[rolling dice] come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes!

Squidward:
Between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off?

Monty P. Moneybags:
Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks! [begins laughing]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[reading dumpster] Krabs is a - [dolphin chirps]

Janitor:
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Mr. Krabs:
It's not the boots, it's the boot-ee. Err... I mean, uh... the person in the boots.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Why did you eat my boots Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
Here's that pay check I owe ya, plus a bonus. Well, here's your pay check anyway.

Mr. Krabs:
Sponge-boy-me-Bob!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!

Patrick Star:
I didn't even know!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Well, I've got you now!

Patrick Star:
Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's... [He fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead]... me that's got me.

Mr. Krabs:
Wait! Don't shoot! Okay, okay, shoot me, but don't take me money!

Mr. Krabs:
Stop it! Can't you hear it? Yes, I did it! I took the boots! They're here, under the floor boards! Please, make it stop! It's the squeaking of the hideous boots! [Lifts the whole restaurant to retrieve the boots] I'm sorry, but I can't take the infernal squeaking no more! [He dips the boots in cooking oil, eats them, and burps] The deed is done.

Patrick Star:
Hey! Who turned the heavy back on?

Mr. Krabs:
Presents for me darlin' little sardine. Here you are.

Pearl:
Oh, thank you, daddy! What is it! It wouldn't be those totally hip new flipper slippers all my friends are wearing, would they? Everyone's wearing them.

Mr. Krabs:
Well, it could be.

Pearl:
[Opening present] Whee! Oh, daddy, you shouldn't have! Yay, you shouldn't have! [the present turns out to be rubber boots] I mean, dad, you really shouldn't have! [Pearl's friends laugh]

Mr. Krabs:
But Pearl, those are the finest fishing boots available.

Pearl:
[Crying] Oh, dad, you ruined me! Waah!

Mr. Krabs:
But I got them at a bargain!

Pearl:
[Louder] Waaaah!

Sandy:
I'm going to give that legless fiend what-fer, and there's nothing you can say that's gonna stop me.

SpongeBob:
What if I said "blargen fa-diddle nachen?"

Sandy:
Well, I gotta admit that's slowed me down.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Krusty Krab is unfair! Mr. Krabs is in there, standing at the concession, plotting his oppresssion!

Fish:
What the heck does that mean?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I don't know. Squidward told me to yell it at people.

Sandy Cheeks:
SpongeBob, don't you worry about me. I can take care of myself. After all, who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom?

[pulls a realistic boat down by the chain of its anchor]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You are.

Sandy Cheeks:
And who put the "hiya-hi-ho-K" in karate?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[shaped into a "U"] You did.

Sandy Cheeks:
And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[his butt reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks"] You do.

Sandy Cheeks:
[after wrestling the worm in a cave] Boy, that critter put up some sort of fight, but as you can see, I'm from Texas, and no worm is a match for me. I even found my tail!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's not the worm.

Sandy Cheeks:
Pardon?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That's not the worm. That's his tongue.

[camera pulls back; the "cave" has two beady eyes]

Sandy Cheeks:
Oh... this is the tongue, and the whole thing is the... worm. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Patrick:
We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else!

Squidward:
That idea may just be crazy enough... to get us all killed!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sandy, you don't know what you're up against! We're talking about an Alaskan Bull Worm!

Sandy Cheeks:
Well, I don't know nothin' about Alaska, but looky here. Back in Texas I wrangled bulls and I wrangled worms. As far as I'm concerned, doing both together just saves rope.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I'm the ghost of the Flying Dutchman.

Patrick Star:
Hmmm, there's something missing. I've got it.

[Patrick takes a tree and makes a pair of Dutch shoes out of them]

Patrick Star:
Step into these babies, Hans!

Squidward:
Will you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Squidward could you watch Gary this weekend?

Squidward:
What's a Gary?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Not a Gary... Gary he's my pet snail [shows him Gary] Say hello! [shows a closeup of Gary who's drooling a lot]

Squidward:
Yuck! You actually care for that thing?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I love Gary!

Squidward:
Well I don't, get somebody else! [walks away]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I guess we can't go away this weekend after all Patrick [Squidward stops and thinks]

Squidward:
Go away? [walks over to SpongeBob] You mean if I watch Gary you guys will be gone all weekend?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Actually a three day weekend

Squidward:
As in not here for three days?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Yeah but you've already said you can't do it, we understand

Patrick Star:
Don't feel bad Squidward [puts his arms around him and SpongeBob] the three of us can have our own jellyfish convention at your house!

Squidward:
[reacts in fear] I changed my mind, you guys deserve to have a weekend away!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[after Squidward has accidentally injected him with snail plasma] Don't worry Gary, Squidward says I'll be fine, he knows everything, so you hungry?

Gary:
[jumps up in excitement] Meow-how! [Spongebob gives Gary some snail food but decides to try it he likes it and eats more]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[tosses Gary the empty bowl] Here you go eat up!

Gary:
[looks at the empty bowl] Meow?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Sorry Gary I couldn't control myself! [burps] Meow! Why did I just do that? am I cracking up?

Gary:
Meow!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
No, no Squidward's right, I'm fine I-I worry too much, it's all in my head [walks slowly towards the kitchen with Gary out walking him] Gary you're getting [speaks in a slow low voice] a lot faster! [walks into the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror] Look at me, look at me, never better, better! [his head throbs] I'm okay Squidward says I'm fine! [his eyeballs pop out and grow into stalks like Gary's as he screams in terror] Gary... [pants heavily] I'm fine! [falls to the floor screaming in agony] Yooooooooull see! [his arm shrivels up and goes into his body and his sleeve bounces away] That's okay I'm a lefty anyway [his other arm and his legs shrivel up and go into his body] Ha, ha now Idon't have to buy those new shoes [his body stretches and contorts into a snail shape] I take it back Gary something is wrong with meeeeeow!

Patrick Star:
[enters Spongebob's house singing] SpongeBob are you ready?, are you ready, are you ready?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
For what?

Patrick Star:
For the annual jellyfish in Uekele Bottom this weekend!

[shows him his net while swinging it around]

Patrick Star:
Ha ha ha! Ya ya ya!

[breaks Spongebob's vase and reacts in embarrassment]

Patrick Star:
So are you ready or what?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
That was this weekend?

[looks over at Gary who's crawling on him]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I can't go, I don't have anyone to take care of Gary!

Witch:
Look, it's the haunted mattress!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs:
Howard Blandy? The Howard Blandy? The Howard Blandy who masterminded the sale of every small family-owned business in Bikini Bottom? That Howard Blandy? I worship you!

Carl:
Mr. Blandy, code red. Free thinker.

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[Watching a machine making Krabby Patties] Where's the love?