The Brendan Leonard Show

Michael Carney:
30% of teens love Rotang, but the other 75% just don't understand him.

Brendan Leonard:
So, we're working in terms of 105%?

Michael Carney:
I'm not a history major, Brendan.

Michael Carney:
Inanimate cone! Who are you dating?

Brendan Leonard:
My fiends call me B-dawg, B-wax, B-smooth, and Susan.

Brendan Leonard:
If I were you, I'd be embarrassed, too, because then I'd be a pathetic loser.

Michael Carney:
Your eyes remind me of onions and that says a lot because I'm lactose intolerant.

Brendan Leonard:
The first key to love is the four L's: love, loathing, listening, and lemurs.

Michael Carney:
This is between ME and the KITE, Mohr!

Ryan Turner:
[pretending to be the sun] This is me leaving... this is me leaving.

Brendan Leonard:
Are you calling me a liar? Are my pants on fire? Is my nose as long as a telephone wire? I don't have time for this!

Michael Carney:
If I was a spaceship, I'd land on your planet.

Patrick Mohr:
I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Paul makes a cute, cute woman.

Paul Detjen:
Please don't refer to me as "barber", I'd rather be "hairstylist."

Michael Carney:
The mood I was in was post-break-up with my other. And I was in a dark place; the power went out.

Patrick Mohr:
Well, I'm a sweater. Um, not the clothing, just someone who sweats a lot.

Brendan Leonard:
Our next film is from Ryan Turner AKA Delicious AKA King of the Summer Feel Good Hit.

[Michael is about to jump into the pool out of depression, fully dressed]

Michael Carney:
I'm gonna jump!

Brendan Leonard:
Don't, Michael! Cotton shrinks in water.

Ryan Turner:
All right, you know what, my, like, one year old sister who's like, yea long, could have gotten it!

Kevin Carlson:
Ryan, you don't have a sister!

Ryan Turner:
So, if I did, she would have gotten it!

Michael Carney:
If you don't like it, don't orbit me

Kevin Carlson:
Well? Well? Jamie, what happened? Well? What happened? Why don't you just talk to him? Well? Hehehehe...

Michael Carney:
You're nice in a non-threatening way.

Brendan Leonard:
Looks like the toast couldn't take the heat.

[the cast is in LA]

Brendan Leonard:
They can definitely spot someone from around here

Cameraman:
Are kids different in California?

Patrick Mohr:
Oh, yeah. They are a lot cooler than us. They wear huge shorts and hooded sweatshirts.

Michael Carney:
They don't care about rules.

Kevin Sheehan:
And they live at the beach all day.

Kevin Carlson:
And they're 'dude bros'.

Patrick Mohr:
And instead of barbequing brat's on the grill, they barbeque vegetables.

Patrick Mohr:
Brendan, do you want a pizza?

Brendan Leonard:
Pizza? But I don't have any dough!

Troy the Accordian player:
Is this Heaven?

Brendan Leonard:
No, it's the Brendan Leonard Show

Ryan Turner:
Once the beat goes, we don't stop.

Brendan Leonard:
If Christopher Columbus didn't discover America, there probably wouldn't be a Columbus, Ohio.

Brendan Leonard:
Use 'chill' as an adjective, noun, pronoun, and adverb.

Patrick Mohr:
You wanna go chill at the chill?

Brendan Leonard:
Chairs set up as bowling pins? A table with wheels on it? Is this Christmas?

R.T.:
If I can make one Eskimo dance, it's worth it.

[Brendan is talking about Kevin Carlson]

Brendan Leonard:
What he lacked in scholarly activity he made up for in prat-falls.

Bogan:
It's so real that it's surreal.

Brendan Leonard:
Can I borrow 50 cents?

Kevin Sheehan:
Sure. Name the first ten digits of pi.

Brendan Leonard:
Do you hear that?

Bogan:
Yeah, it's my heart beating.

Brendan Leonard:
No, the music. I think it's an ice cream truck. Do you have two bucks?

Bogan:
When have I ever had two bucks?

Brendan Leonard:
I don't know. You work for me, don't you?

[Brendan has decided to be more dramatic; his friends are discussing getting a pizza]

Brendan Leonard:
Do you guys ever just think about time and how fast it passes?

Patrick Mohr:
Brendan, do you want a pizza or not?

Brendan Leonard:
But, you get the pizza and it's not about the food, it's about the camaraderie. Eating the pizza with friends...

Kevin Carlson:
I hate you.

[Brendan, being artistic, did a painting of Kevin]

Kevin Carlson:
Why is there a star around your name?

Brendan Leonard:
You can read into it however you like.

[at a "film festival"]

"Reporter":
I noticed you don't have a date with you.

Michael Carney:
I like to explore the canvas of human experience.

Cameraman:
Kevin, did you eat mud today?

Kevin Carlson:
Of course I did.

Brendan Leonard:
[getting sprayed with water playing croquet] In the face of adversity I still got it.

Patrick Mohr:
Actually, it's a hose. Some call it adversity, others call it a hose.

Michael Carney:
This is Michael Carney with the world's fastest gossip report. Brendan Leonard is stupid, Kevin Sheehan is not a true redhead, and Robbie Karver is actually portrayed by an actor named Luis. Mucho Amore, Peace!

Cameraman:
Where does the water come from?

Ryan Turner:
It comese from...

Brendan Leonard:
A hose

Kevin Carlson:
I didn't like anybody's wigs, to be frank. But I'll be Kevin, so I'll give it a 6.

Car full of kids:
We love Brendan Leonard!

Kevin Carlson:
I could go destroy them if I wanted to.

Ryan Turner:
[looking at a parrot] Talk about a mean unibrow.

Brendan Leonard:
It's the teen heartthrob, Kevin Carlson. He's the "hott" one. With two t's.

Michael Carney:
[writing a letter at Camp Jinx!] Dear Mom, you said there wasn't going to be any water sports at camp. Well guess what? Brendan said we're going WATER skiing this afternoon. You lied to me, Mom.

Michael Carney:
Hey I haven't met you before. What's your name? I'm Michael. You like that, you like that. I didn't get a chance to know you and you leave just like everybody else in my life. Once I say hi, you leave.

Patrick Mohr:
Togetherness, exactly. You can't make pizza without cheese. Well, you could, but it would just be bad pizza, though.

Kevin Sheehan:
Don't touch the human pin.

Patrick Mohr:
I sweat doing math problems.

Brendan Leonard:
Let's get rid of Carlson and Carney.

Kevin Carlson:
My greatest fear, is that the African dining squirrel might have already dined. That would be terrible.

Michael Carney:
[during the farmer's tan contest] I didn't take any prisoners. You think I took prisoners? I didn't take any prisoners. I got my belly button tanned.

Brendan Leonard:
[during "Eagle Action News"] We're gonna go to our correspondant on the field, Kevin Sheehan.

Kevin Sheehan:
Yes, I am in a field. That is why I am a correspondant on the field.