The Cleveland Show

Dwight Howard:
Hey mom, why is Stanley from The Office yelling at you?

Cleveland Brown:
I am not Stanley from The Office.

Principal Wally Farquhare:
And you receive this special honour since it is unprecedented for a Scout to practically apply the skills learnt while gaining these badges, as they were only invented to be busywork to stop young men from sitting around bending their Beckhams.

Donna Tubbs:
Rallo, from now on, there will be no video games! And no internet! No Angry Birds! No Angry Birds for Android! No Kindle! No Zune! No TiVo! No Roku! No Pronto! No Pixi! No Swidget! No PlayPad! No Migo! No Linkster! No Tickle Me Elmo! No Texas hold'em with seven grown-up gamblers who somehow got into your room! No dressing up as Al Sharpton!

Rallo Tubbs:
I'll just go ahead and be one of the other black presidents. Actually, I want to be the first black president. Who was it?

Mrs. Lowenstein:
Rallo, Barack Hussein Obama is the first black president.

Rallo Tubbs:
What? Washington wasn't black?

Mrs. Lowenstein:
No.

Rallo Tubbs:
Jefferson?

Mrs. Lowenstein:
No.

Rallo Tubbs:
If Rutherford B. Hayes wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up!

Cleveland Brown:
Hey Junior, what are you watching? The Cleveland Show?

Cleveland Brown:
What are you doing up there?

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase.

Cleveland Brown:
You're 14!

[Quagmire has brought Loretta's coffin to Cleveland in Stoolbend]

Glenn Quagmire:
Well, I'll run her over to the funeral home. Then I'm heading on up to Langley. Got a background gag in a bachelor party scene on "American Dad."

Cleveland Brown:
Oh, that... that's good. Paying work.

Glenn Quagmire:
Save it. Have fun on your spin-off, Joey.

[Quagmire drives away]

Cleveland Brown:
I will! And this ain't no "Joey", you one-note f***!

Tim the Bear:
fu bomb f.u bomb f.u mother bomb. i guess my father was in the bus somewhere.

[Cleveland and Cleveland, Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"]

Stewie Griffin:
What the hell? He's gettin' his own show?

Rallo:
Well aren't we the Black Brady Bunch?

Cleveland Brown:
Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife's not sleeping with my son!

[Everybody laughs]

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
Not yet!

Cleveland Brown:
Ahhhh a Bear!

Tim:
Ahhhh a Black Man! Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?

Rallo:
Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
[during Freedom Squirt initiation] Well, here they are. Freedom squirt badges, symbols honesty, trust, and integrity. In other words, TOTAL BULLCRAP! [Audience gasp]

Wally Farquhare:
Hiya... what the?

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
That's right kids, might as well tell you now. It's a soulless world, full of bad people, that screw you at every turn. Scouts honor. [ Throws both squirt sashes and his own in the campfire] I QUIT! [squished grease into campfire, causing to erupt and burns sign, audience gasp, as Junior walks off the stage]

Rallo Tubbs:
Junior wait. Buy some chocolates for the road?

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
[off scene] SCREW YOU, RALLO! Yeah I'll take ten.

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
Hi, Daddy. I built this costume to surprise you.

Cleveland Brown:
You created a powered suit of armor with a built-in weapons system and a shoulder-mounted Gatling gun out of pots and pans?

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
[giggling] Yeah.

Cleveland Brown:
Hmm. [writes down a tally mark on a list of Cleveland Jr.'s actions that are "smart"... ]

Donna Tubbs:
[a few seconds later Donna walks in] What on earth? Cleveland Brown Jr.!

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
Present.

Cleveland Brown:
[writes down a tally mark for another "stupid" action of Cleveland Jr]... and Stupid.

Cleveland Brown:
Aha! I knew it! You hate my coffee! You lied to me! You're a liar! Junior, imagine her pants on fire!

Cleveland Brown Jr.:
[Cleveland Jr. imagines too hard and "breaks" her pants] Oh. I can't do anything right.

Cleveland Brown:
No! You did good on the pitcher!

Cleveland Brown:
Wait a minute. Fat chicks? [gasps] This is a GAY bar!

Holt Richter:
What? No way! Gay bars are gay?

Lester Krinklesack:
You wouldn't think these fellers would share my political views, but they sure lit up when I told 'em I'm a hard-core tea bagger.

Holt Richter:
Beat up the beat! Fist pumpin' like a champ!

Cleveland Brown:
[laughs] Look at those two seacrestin' out. A few hours ago that would've shocked me, but now nothing can surprise - TERRY KIMPLE? [Terry, caught making out with Paul, gasps] Oh, Terry, oh, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry. Oh, Terrrrrrrrrrry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terrrrrrrrty... [a banner for the Cleveland News Network, CNN, appears reading "BREAKING NEWS: TERRY KIMPLE IS GAY!"]... Terry, Terry, Oh, Terry, Terry, terry, Terry, Oh, Terrrrrrrrry, Terry, Terry, Terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry.

Tim the Bear:
You know, I-I don't want to judge Terry, but the Bible says that all gays are going to Hell. It also says that animals don't have souls, so I-I-I don't know what I'm talking about here.

Lester Krinklesac:
Let me get this straight. Your dad is having relations with young ladies only a day after fake burying your mother who, let us not forget, is out with George Clinton getting funked six ways from Sunday?

Cleveland Brown:
Yes.

Lester Krinklesac:
Cleveland, you are white trash.

Rallo Tubbs:
Man, this is hard. No wonder all writers kill themselves.

Rallo:
[after Rallo, Bernard and Theodore's rap about fiscal responsible gets them booed off stage] Murray, they hated us! They're booing us.

Murray:
What? I turned my hearing aid off so I wouldn't have to hear all that booing!

Rallo:
Pick me up. [Murray lifts him up to his ear] You made us look like idiots. Never speak to me again.

Murray:
"Never reek of pee again"? I can't make that promise, Rallo!

You're just turning one problem into two.