The Golden Girls

Sophia:
I need the money for my old age.

Dorothy:
Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.

Dorothy:
Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind.

Blanche:
Tell that to my thighs.

Rose:
My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."

Dorothy:
What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?

Rose:
YES!

Dorothy:
Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?

Rebecca:
I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.

Blanche:
Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?

Sophia:
I'm not leaving now. It's just getting good.

Dorothy:
Shady Pines, Ma!

Sophia:
You're bluffing...

Dorothy:
[menacingly] The West Wing?

Sophia:
I'm right behind you.

Blanche:
Well, just tell him you have a lot of work at home.

Rose:
I don't want to lie.

Blanche:
When you get home, we'll make you clean out the garage.

Rose:
Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one.

Dorothy:
Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?

Blanche:
I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here.

Rose:
It looks like a perfume sample.

Dorothy:
Put it behind your ears, Rose.

Blanche:
You know what the worst part about getting older is?

Dorothy:
Your face, Rose's hands?

Blanche:
The Great Herring War?

Rose:
Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.

Dorothy:
Oh, THAT Great Herring War.

Blanche:
No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets.

Dorothy:
Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Dorothy:
You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

Blanche:
I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons.

Dorothy:
Blanche.

Blanche:
Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 4 kids, I've never had a Mercedes. So, which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.

Rose:
I just had a thought...

Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche:
Congratulations.

Dominic:
[points at Dorothy] You, are our daughter.

[after the girls miss a train, a group of circus performers come into the station]

Rose:
This is a sign-it's telling us our unhappy times are over! Excuse me, Mr. Clown, but could you do something funny to put a smile on the faces of three gloomy gusses?

Clown:
Buzz off, lady. I'm on a cigarette break!

Rose:
Well, I'm off.

Sophia:
Totally.

Rose:
Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.

Dorothy:
Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.

Rose:
Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?

Sophia:
Excuse me Rose, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.

Dorothy:
Hi, ma. Where are you going?

Sophia:
To the boardwalk. I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water.

Blanche:
He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least, he will when I'M through with him.

Blanche:
I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.

Dorothy:
Ah, your first kiss was in the rain?

Blanche:
No, it was in the shower.

Blanche:
What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?

Sophia:
It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.

Dorothy:
Yes, Blanche. It's you.

[Sophia enters kitchen]

Dorothy:
You couldn't sleep either, huh?

Sophia:
No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.

Miles Webber:
I'm a college professor, Rose. What did you think when I said I taught Hemingway?

Rose:
I thought you were old.

Blanche:
We just rented that movie Aliens, it scared us half to death.

Sophia:
I found it scary too. That Sigourney Weaver is a sweet girl but she really shouldn't go without makeup.

Dorothy:
The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?

Rose:
I kept a chicken in my home.

Dorothy:
You see my point?

Blanche:
I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.

Dorothy:
That's pretty jumpy.

Rose:
Can I ask a dumb question?

Dorothy:
Better than anyone I know.

Blanche:
This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.

Dorothy:
In what, Blanche, dog years?

Blanche:
I treat my body like a temple.

Sophia:
Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Stan:
Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.

Sophia:
Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both liars.

Rose:
Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...

Dorothy:
That's always a safe bet, Rose.

Rose:
...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche:
Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose:
Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

Rose:
You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.

Sophia:
Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see "Ishtar." Woof.

Sophia:
Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids.

Dorothy:
[to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

Sophia:
My hiney's asleep.

Dorothy:
Fine, we'll keep our voices down.

Sophia:
I hate communism.

Dorothy:
Of course you hate communism, Ma it's because you were raised a fascist.

Sophia:
Please. Pay no attention to him. The man spent 90 days on the high seas drinking grain alchohol from a goat bladder.

Sophia:
Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.

Dorothy:
I'm so sorry. What happened?

Sophia:
[sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

[agitated]

Sophia:
SHE WAS 88!

Rose:
Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Stan:
I know everything about basketball - it's one of the interesting things about me.

Sophia:
Please. You've lived here for two months; there's nothing interesting about you.

Stan:
Go on, ask me anything.

Sophia:
All right... when are you moving out?

Sophia:
You're Blanche's daughter, the model?

Rebecca:
That's right.

Sophia:
What did she model - car covers?

Sophia:
Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.

Rose:
Oh, Sophia.

Sophia:
Blanche, you're a slut.

Blanche:
Oh, Sophia.

Rose:
I just found out I'm the most boring on Earth.

Sophia:
Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

Blanche:
There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line.

Dorothy:
Oh... but you thought we'd be interested in the story of little Yimminy? the boy who was raised by a moose...

Rose:
That moose not only raised little Yimminy, he put him through medical school

Blanche:
Why I couldn't... I'd feel like a... like a...

Dorothy:
Like a backstabbing slut?

Blanche:
...no...

[Blanche and Dorothy are discussing Blanche's birthday gift to Rose:
a detective to follow around Rose's boyfriend]

Blanche:
Well I can't take it back, I paid in advance

Dorothy:
Can't you get a refund?

Blanche:
Well, no, I paid with nature's credit card

Dorothy:
You never leave home without it.

Dorothy:
Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.

Sophia:
You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

Blanche:
I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man!... in a library... on a Saturday... unless he's cute... and drives a nice car... Amen

Contractor:
Do you want it fast or do you want it good?

Sophia:
Before you answer that, Blanche, the man's talking about a guest room.

Rose:
I can't believe my mother is out riding around on a smelly old bus. Being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts!

Rose:
Everybody likes me.

Sophia:
I don't!

Rose:
Oh, you just say that Sophia.

Sophia:
REPEATEDLY!

Miles Webber:
Rose, I've never met anyone quite like you.

Sophia:
Check the corn field on Hee-Haw.

Rose:
Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away! [Sophia leans on the fridge with her eyes closed]

Dorothy:
Ma, what's wrong?

Sophia:
Nothing. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

[Rose comes in from the rain crying after seeing two sad movies; Dorothy's friend says she'll be all right]

Blanche:
Of course you will, honey, that phony hair color won't wash out just because you got caught in the rain!

[the girls visit a birthing center. A loud screech is heard]

Birthing Center Woman:
It sounds like there's a mommy in the making!

Rose:
It sounds like there's a mommy on *fire*!

Dorothy:
[the girls visit a birthing center] What kind of idiot would want to give birth here?

Rose:
This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

[talking about bobbing for yams]

Rose:
I had a knack for coming up with the firmest, most appealing yams.

Blanche:
I was once told I had the firmest, most appealing gams.

Rose:
Blanche, I can't believe you. Where do you get your nerve?

Blanche:
Ironically, from Uncle Lucas.

Rose:
You... you... you rude person!

Dorothy:
Go easy on him, Rose.

Blanche:
What was your first impression of me?

Rose:
I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

Sophia:
Come on, Blanche.

Rose:
I'm Rose.

Sophia:
Simple mistake, means nothing.

Dorothy:
Why don't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?

Rose:
And hurt an old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.

Sophia:
I need some advice, Rose.

Rose:
You are asking advice from me?

Sophia:
Yea, frightening isn't it?

Blanche:
Dorothy you're a substitute, your job isn't actually to teach.

Dorothy:
Then what is it?

Blanche:
To keep the kids from burning the school down until the other teacher gets back.

Dorothy:
Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...

Sophia:
Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night.

Blanche:
Oh girls... I'm just in ecstasy. My body is tingling all over. You will never guess what just happened.

Sophia:
We know what happened. Let us just guess what part of the Middle East he's from.

Sophia:
Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?

Blanche:
Yeah.

Sophia:
You can still walk, can't you?

Blanche:
That's true.

Sophia:
Great, go get me a glass of water.

Dorothy:
Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains.

Doctor:
[to Sophia] Let's start by taking your temperature

Sophia:
Hmm temperature, I bet he graduated top of his class

Doctor:
[to Dorothy] Has she been taking her medicine? Does she have any allergies?

Sophia:
[angry at not being adressed] Excuse me. I've been in this body all my life, if anything goes wrong I'm the first to hear about it!

Doctor:
I'm sorry Sophia, what seems to be the problem?

Sophia:
I'm not a doctor, how am I supposed to know?

Dorothy:
She's been having pain in her chest.

Doctor:
[to Sophia] What kind of pain?

Sophia:
The kind that hurts.

Rose:
I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened.

Dorothy:
You realized you forgot to dial first.

Rose:
No.

Blanche:
You were holding the receiver the wrong way.

Rose:
No.

Dorothy:
You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.

Rose:
No.

Blanche:
A shoe?

Rose:
No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote?

Sophia:
Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.

[after getting caught faking a sprained ankle]

Sophia:
I wuv you.

Dorothy:
Too wittle, too wate.

[the girls are watching Dorothy and Trudy arm wrestle. Trudy wins]

Trudy:
Well, that's that. How does it feel to have your butt whipped?

Blanche:
Well, sometimes I find it strangely titillating, but... oh. You were talking to her.

Rose:
Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible.

Dorothy:
I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable.

[Dorothy is solving a murder mystery]

Dorothy:
On the other hand, Phillip would never use a Mayan sacrificial knife as a murder weapon. Too obvious. But, it would be no problem for his sister to sneak the weapon out of his collection.

Gloria:
This woman's pathetic.

Sophia:
Oh. Big news. Tear out the front page.

The Butler:
My god. They've been murdered.

Sophia:
Does this mean we don't get any birthday cake?

[Dorothy is solving a murder mystery]

Dorothy:
I think I see now how it happened - last evening, at dinner, when Miss McGlen saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...

Sophia:
Big deal. I took a whole place sitting.

Dorothy:
NOT NOW, MA!

[on one of the flashback episodes when Dorothy is young]

Sophia:
Where are you going?

Salvadore Petrillo:
To get some air.

Sophia:
We got air in the house.

Salvadore Petrillo:
I like beer with my air.

Dorothy:
When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.

[trying to get Blanche to come out of her room]

Dorothy:
You're right, Blanche. These naked southern guys sure can dance.

Blanche:
I have writer's block. It's the worst feeling in the world.

Sophia:
Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

[Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article]

Rose:
Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away?

Dorothy:
[Holding her head] Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATEMALA.

[a very short man visits the girls]

Dorothy:
[to the man] May I take your height - *hat*?

Sophia:
Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?

Sophia:
Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Rose:
Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.

Sophia:
I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

Blanche:
Sophia, I need you.

Sophia:
Blanche, you were strong and independent long before I got here.

Rose:
I need you too, Sophia.

Sophia:
Rose, you need the Wizard of Oz.

Rose:
Dr. Kagan? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he's got everything.

[Blanche comes into the kitchen. Rose can't see her]

Blanche:
I am nothing but a disgusting cheap slut.

Rose:
Don't tell me... it's Blanche.

[Dorothy has brought home a pamphlet that shows Sophia might be losing her hearing]

Sophia:
Oh, please Dorothy. Every time you bring home a pamphlet, I have that problem. One time I even thought I was a Jew for Jesus.

[Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them]

Rose:
I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.

Blanche:
Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.

Rose:
OK. I will.

Dorothy:
Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?

Rose:
The time I was radioactive.

Blanche:
Sophia, by placing this pearl necklace between my bosoms, does it make me look like I'm a sex-starved slut who is in need of a man to bed?

Sophia:
Yes.

Blanche:
Good, then pearl it is.

[Rose is up late, baking]

Rose:
I couldn't sleep, so I whipped up a batch of Sverhoeven Crispies. It's a traditional midnight snack from St. Olaf dating back to Viking times.

Dorothy:
Well, I guess after a hard night of pillaging and raping, a Viking would want a little something to go with his cocoa.

[Repeated line]

Rose:
Back in St. Olaf...

Rose:
This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.

Dorothy:
Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"

Rose:
Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.

Dorothy:
Oh... that's okay.

Rose:
[pauses for a moment to rethink her approach] Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...

Dorothy:
ROSE!

Rose:
[Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?

Sophia:
Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

Dorothy:
Is that all you care about? Money and applause?

Blanche:
And sex. For which I usually *get* applause.

[Dorothy, becoming fed up by a clown at a kiddie party, is ready to deck him with a pie]

Clown:
Before you do that, you should know that Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer. Besides, that wouldn't be a very grown up thing to do.

Dorothy:
[defeated] No. You're right. I couldn't.

Bobby (6 years old):
Mr. Ha Ha.

Clown:
Yes Bobby? [Clown turns around. Bobby smashes a pie into his face]

Bobby (6 years old):
Happy Birthday, Dorothy.

[repeated line]

Sophia:
Picture it... Sicily.

Blanche:
Girls have you ever heard of something called dirty dancing?

Dorothy:
Of course Blanche, they did it in that movie!

Rose:
What movie?

Rose:
Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

[on being compared to Charlie's Angels]

Blanche:
I was once told I bore a striking resemblance to Cheryl Ladd... but my bosoms are perkier.

Dorothy:
Not even if you were hanging upside-down from a trapeze!

Blanche:
[after being treated like a lady by one of her dates] I feel like I did when I was a virgin!

Sophia:
You mean the feeling isn't going to last long?

Blanche:
Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

Sophia:
I'm just saying you're lucky Jack-&-Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.

Blanche:
I'm not going to stand for this! Not in my own house...

Sophia:
Take it Dorothy!

Dorothy:
I bet you'll lay down for it!

Dorothy:
[to Sophia] Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!

Dorothy:
It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.

[Sophia arrives from the rest home by taxi]

Rose:
You must be tired after your cab trip.

Sophia:
Why? I RODE in the cab! I didn't push it!

Rose:
I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.

Dorothy:
Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.

Rose:
Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.

Dorothy:
The final piece of the puzzle.

[Jean, a lesbian, is visiting]

Dorothy:
Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?

Sophia:
Dorothy, there are a lot of things I wanna try before I die, but that's not one of them!

Rose:
How long were Jean and Pat married?

Dorothy:
They were together for about eight years.

Rose:
Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do... I know! I'll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.

Dorothy:
If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.

[Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle]

Blanche:
I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Dorothy:
You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche?

Blanche:
Well there must be homosexuals who date women.

Sophia:
Yeah. They're called lesbians.

Sophia:
My God, I've left braincells all over the Eastern Seaboard.

[Rose has asked Sophia for advice]

Rose:
What's the point? You won't believe me anyway.

Sophia:
Hey, Sicilians can always recognize two things - when someone is telling the truth, and when they've had their fingerprints changed.

Rose:
You know, I've been thinking...

Blanche:
Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.

Dorothy:
How come whenever my ship comes in it's leaking?

Dorothy:
You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean, where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the - the true spirit of Christmas?

Sophia:
Neiman-Marcus, Ladies Apparel, third floor.

Sophia:
It's a nightmare, we've been visited by the Yutz of Christmas Past.

Rose:
Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.

[the girls have chased away Ernie, the man who is changing their garage into a guest room]

Blanche:
Well, we have two choices-go and beg Ernie's forgiveness, or hire another contractor.

Sophia:
Or, we could use the Sicilian method. We burn down the house, collect the fire insurance money, and move to a beautiful beachside house in California. Personally, I vote for choice three.

[Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom]

Rose:
Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.

Dorothy:
Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.

Dorothy:
Rose, I am not in denial.

Rose:
Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.

Dorothy:
Rose, honey, I am not denying I'm in denial.

Rose:
If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.

Dorothy:
Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

Blanche:
Rose, I was about to tell a story.

Rose:
Well, I wanna tell mine.

Blanche:
Dorothy?

Dorothy:
Well, this is a no-win situation... but go ahead, Blanche.

Rose:
Fine, you may never get to hear MY story.

Dorothy:
Then I'm wrong, it isn't a no-win situation.

Rose:
We weren't allowed to wear berets at my school, it was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap, though. It was long and pointy.

Dorothy:
Blanche, have you heard of the latest campaigns? "Join the navy, see the world... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"? "Join the army, be all you can be... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"?

[getting angry]

Dorothy:
"The marines are looking for a few good men who have *not* slept with Blanche Devereaux"!

Sophia:
If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.

[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]

Dorothy:
MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!

Sophia:
These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

[Sophia is in a pirate costume, and the girls are about to meet a famous actor]

Sophia:
You want me to leave? I can't believe you're embarassed by your own mother!

Dorothy:
When she looks like Vasco de Gama, yes!

[Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over]

Sophia:
And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?

Dorothy:
Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.

[Rose has taken Dorothy and Blanche to Mr. Ha Ha's Hot Dog Haciendo, a kiddie birthday party restruant]

Rose:
Well, you always complained your birthdays are dull and boring. This place looked very exciting!

Dorothy:
Yes, Rose, to a five-year-old... OR SOMEONE WHO THINKS LIKE ONE!

[Discussing a bad actress who played Anne Frank in a community theater play]

Dorothy:
I mean, for the entire second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic, she's in the attic!"

[the girls are sick. Sophia tells a story]

Sophia:
In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.

Dorothy:
Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.

Sophia:
Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with ear salve wasn't very appetizing-but once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it sold like hot cakes!

Dorothy:
Ma, you're making this up!

Sophia:
So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.

Dorothy:
Ma, I'm never playing cards with you again!

Sophia:
Yes you will. You're just too competitive. It's always been your worst feature. No, wait-your ears are your worst feature.

Dorothy:
Can you believe that?

Blanche:
No, I always thought your bony feet were your worst feature.

[Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche discuss Dorothy's lesbian friend,Jean]

Sophia:
Jean thinks she's in love with Rose!

Blanche:
Rose! Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe this, I don't believe this!

Dorothy:
We were surprised, too.

Blanche:
Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over ME, that ridiculous!

[after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket]

Dorothy:
Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?

Rose:
No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

Sophia:
Please, I'm in my twilight years.

Dorothy:
You're in the Twilight ZONE!

Blanche:
Oh, God... now I'm lying to a priest!

Dorothy:
Ma, I DON'T snore.

Sophia:
Please! I had to turn you away from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!

Blanche:
When Blanche Devereaux goes after a man, she doesn't stand on ceremony!

Sophia:
Or the floor.

Sophia:
Make way for the victors.

Rose:
You won the big game?

Sophia:
No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.

Sophia:
Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in!

Blanche:
I can't believe you said that! Oh if I weren't a lady I'd deck you.

Dorothy:
You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.

Dorothy:
[about how scary Mrs. Claxton is] Last Halloween half the kids in the neighborhood wore Freida Claxton costumes.

Dorothy:
We're here to pay for a funeral.

Mr. Pfeiffer:
Oh, isn't that nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother.

Sophia:
[walks a little bit closer] Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

Rose:
[on Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses] Oh Sophia, I think you're a wonderful person. It's a lovely idea to divide Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses equally.

Sophia:
Well I figure yours should be about half. After all you're the one that killed her.

Dorothy:
[on Sophia's memory loss] I hate watching what this is doing to her.

Blanche:
I hate watching what this is doing to you.

Rose:
I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginnings of rented videotapes.

Game Show Host:
For one hundred dollars, complete this famous phrase: "Better late than... "

Blanche:
Pregnant!

Game Show Host:
No, Blanche, that's incorrect... though not entirely untrue.

Blanche:
You know what I hate doing most after a party?

Rose:
Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?

Sophia:
Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress!

Blanche:
Why, you little...

Sophia:
No offense, pussycat.

Dorothy:
None taken, you cankerous little prune!

[trying to get animals to breed]

Dorothy:
What they need is an aphrodisiac.

Rose:
An African what?

Dorothy:
An aphrodisiac, Rose. Something that makes you feel sexy... like Spanish Fly.

Rose:
[disgusted] Spanish flies?

Dorothy:
Fly, Rose. One Fly. Spanish Fly.

Rose:
Oh, come on Dorothy. I've been to Spain. It's not the cleanest country in the world, they must have thousands of flies.

Dorothy:
It is not a fly Rose! It's a beetle!

Rose:
They call it a fly but it's really a beetle?

Dorothy:
Yes.

Rose:
How do they know it's Spanish?

Dorothy:
Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!

Dorothy:
Now look here... You withered old Sicilian monkey!

Blanche:
[Blanche explaining why she worn red at her wedding instead of white] Oh please, it's bad enough hearing all those snickers as you walk down the aisle, but me in white, even I couldn't keep a straight face.

Rose:
On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no good, underhanded, back-stabbing worm.

Dorothy:
Let me guess, Rose: Ivan Boskivanderfluvenhoovenmeistergarbingerbinfleckman?

Rose:
That's the louse!

Rose:
You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!

Sophia:
The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Sophia:
We never forgot anything in Sicily because people would tie string around each other's fingers. No... wait, it wasn't string, it was piano wire. And wait... it wasn't your finger, it was your neck. In fact, piano wire was the second-biggest export in our village. You know what the number one export was?

Rose:
No, what?

Sophia:
Hell if I know. I was hoping you could tell me!

[Dorothy leaves on vacation, leaving Blanche in charge of Sophia]

Sophia:
Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

[Sophia finishes telling a story]

Rose:
Wow, Sophia, that was some story!

Sophia:
Yeah-funny, touching and with a surprise twist ending. I wonder if was true. Damn that stroke.

[Sophia is translating for an elderly Italian contractor]

Sophia:
He said, "I am in charge."

[the contractor says something else]

Sophia:
He said, "I am the boss."

[the contractor says something else]

Sophia:
[confused] He said, "I am the walrus"?

Dorothy:
Ma, either your Italian is a little rusty or this is the world's oldest hippie.

Blanche:
Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker... [to Dorothy] Of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science-fiction. [she leaves]

Dorothy:
Remind me when I feel better to kick the crap out of her.

Dorothy:
Oh, Angela, you really don't have to go!

Angela:
Thank you, Dorothy. I'd love to stay, but I hate your mother.

Rose:
Oh, Blanche, if your 21st birthday was 20 years ago, you'd only be 41 years old!

Blanche:
That's right.

Rose:
Gee, you look terrible for your age.

Rose:
[discussing hair removal products] Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?

Dorothy:
What is it?

Rose:
Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away from below the skin line.

Dorothy:
Yeah, I don't know whether I wanna use this. It says it's gonna hurt.

Rose:
Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.

Dorothy:
Why don't we just set each other on fire?

Rose:
Dorothy...

Dorothy:
All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.

Rose:
Blanche, did you really start shaving at eleven? That seems so young!

Blanche:
Oh, I did it on a dare. You know, back where I come from, everybody thought that once you started shaving your legs, why, you'd become loose. So I shaved 'em!

Rose:
What happened?

Blanche:
Oh, it was an old wives' tale. I didn't become loose for another year and a half.

Dorothy:
Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.

Sophia:
I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!

Blanche:
You know, a lot of those European girls don't shave under their arms.

Rose:
Is that true?

Blanche:
They just let it all hang out.

Rose:
Really?

Blanche:
Bushy as can be.

Rose:
Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?

Dorothy:
Like Milton Berle.

Rose:
When men see that you shave your legs above the knee, what does that say to them?

Blanche:
Hopefully it says, '"Touch my leg!"

Dorothy:
That's in case they miss the tattoo that says the same.

Blanche:
Well, it's almost dinnertime! Now, what could be taking Rose so long at that job interview?

Dorothy:
Well, if she's taking that long, it's a good sign, isn't it? I mean, how much time does it take to say no?

Sophia:
What are you asking her for? She never said no in her life!

Dorothy:
[Sophia has rented a porno] Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

Sophia:
I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

Dorothy:
That's not a Steven Spielberg? *What* are they doing?

Sophia:
You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were twelve.

Dorothy:
Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

Sophia:
Dirty is in the eye of the beholder... OK, maybe *that's* a little dirty.

Blanche:
Dorothy, where's my heating pad?

Dorothy:
[laying on sofa under a blanket] How should I know?

Blanche:
[pulling electric cord from under blanket] If this isn't it I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

Sophia:
[to Stan] Did you bring your little wife with you or did you make her stay home and clean out her toy box?

Blanche:
Dorothy, do you realize it has been three days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?

Dorothy:
Yes, Blanche. I've been marking the days on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar.

Blanche:
Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something!

Dorothy:
Blanche, there is nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand!

[Rose and Blanche are practicing for a Sound of Music play. Blanche is pretending to be standing on a balcony while Rose runs in yelling her lines]

Rose:
[running into the room] The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!

Sophia:
[dashing in from the kitchen] Everybody grab a gun and go to the basement!

Rose:
Lets face it, Blanche, you have Bette Davis eyes... and Freddy Kruger hands!

Dorothy:
Rose, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck!

Rose:
No, but you do look the woman who used to drive it.

Dorothy:
[Sophia is staying in the hospital but got lost and the girls can't find her] I can't believe this is happening! I mean, the last thing I said to her was, "Shut up, Zulu!"

Sophia:
If I met a man who was over seventy but still looked half-way decent, I'd be on my back faster than you could say, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Rose:
Back where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought cake.

Dorothy:
Rose, back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.

Rose:
Stop it, Dorothy. You're making me homesick!

Sophia:
Now if you'll excuse me I'll be in the living room being feeble. If I can find the living room.

Blanche:
[Sophia slapped Blanche's grandson for mouthing off] Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?

Sophia:
No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

Blanche:
My first was Billy. Oh, I'll never forget it! That night under the dogwood tree, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy. Or Bobby? Yes, that's right, Bobby! Or was it Ben? Oh who knows, anyway, it started with a B.

Dorothy:
We're having a surprise birthday party for Blanche. Why don't you go out to the lanai and mingle with the guests?

Sophia:
OK! What's a lanai?

Dorothy:
Porch!

Sophia:
Well, excuse me, Krystle Carrington!

Dorothy:
So, how much is this Italian contractor going to charge for remodeling the garage?

Sophia:
[the contractor speaks in Italian, and Sophia translates] He said he'll do it for free for three reasons! One, he loves his work, two, his men haven't been together for a while, and three, he loves to be in the company of pretty young women!

Dorothy:
Oh, wow... in that case, I guess we'll have to agree!

Sophia:
Great! So, here's a list of the pretty young women that you'll have to hire.

Dorothy:
[the girls see all of the old men working on their garage] It looks like the road company of Cocoon.

Stan:
[every time Stan comes to the house] Hi, it's me, Stan!

Blanche:
Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?

Dorothy:
I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!

Blanche:
[referring to her brother and his lover visiting] My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?

Sophia:
They'd think it's Tuesday!

Dorothy:
[after Blanche and Rose meanly point out the flaws in her body] Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "Too Ugly To Live?"

Dorothy:
[after being persuaded to go out dancing] Oh all right I'll come.Ma where are my dancing shoes?

Sophia:
In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's. How the hell should I know?

Blanche:
[looking after Rose, who has just left the lanai crying] What's the matter with her?

Dorothy:
She's upset.

Blanche:
Is it about Arnie?

Dorothy:
No, Blanche. She's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke!

Dorothy:
[Sophia is busily cooking] Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?

Sophia:
Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.

Dorothy:
I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.

Sophia:
No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.

Sophia:
All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?

Dorothy:
Ma, what is your sexual problem?

Sophia:
I'm not getting any!

Rose:
Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?

Rose, Sophia:
[Sophia holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!

Sophia:
Alright everyone get ready for temple!

Dorothy:
But Ma, it's Tuesday and we're Catholic.

Sophia:
In that case, bacon and eggs?

Blanche:
Rose, you must be confused. You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there's some grammar you need help with.

Dorothy:
You ended that sentence with a dangling preposition just to bait me!

Blanche:
What would I do that for?

Rose:
Heaven is full of cows, chickens, horses and pigs...

Sophia:
I hope Heaven has *boots*!

Blanche:
[to Sophia] My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise.

Rose:
The laws in St. Olaf are very stringent. Their motto is 'Use a gun, go apologize.'

Blanche:
Oh, just shut up! Shut up, you babbling, bobble-headed, bleach blonde... [struggles for another word]

Sophia:
Baboon.

Blanche:
Baboon! [storms out]

Dorothy, Rose:
[stare at Sophia]

Sophia:
She needed a 'B!'

Rose:
I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?

Dorothy:
I haven't noticed.

Rose:
[Blanche enters] Hi, Blanche!

Blanche:
Must you always be so cheerful, you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off?

Rose:
[to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

Blanche:
Can you believe it? After four long years, my baby girl is finally coming to see me. I'm so happy, I could cry.

Rose:
But Blanche, you *are* crying!

Dorothy:
Admit it, Rose, you worked for Allied Intelligence during World War II.

Rose:
Huh?

Dorothy:
Fine. Play it cagey.

Dorothy:
Ohhh, do you know how many great, late night talks we've had at this kitchen table over cheesecake?

Rose:
No. How many?

Dorothy:
One hundred and forty-six, Rose!

Dorothy:
[on the phone with a contractor] No, I'm sorry, that's more than I'm willing to pay for a guest room. Yes, I have heard the expression "you get what you pay for." I've also heard the expression "there's a sucker born every minute."... Yes, I have heard that expression too...

Rose:
How is he?

Dorothy:
I'll be honest: right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.

Blanche:
[Blanche's umpteenth time saying it in the episode] I was once arrested for that in Chattanooga.

Dorothy:
Blance, are you allowed to go back to Chattanooga?

Blanche:
Are you kidding? The sheriff still writes.

Blanche:
[referring to the one man she'd never been able to seduce] I let him slip through my fingers once, I'm not going to let that happen again.

Sophia:
[opening the door to see Blanche's date-an overweight bald guy] He couldn't slip though your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.

Rose:
I'm gonna make a special gl?ckenfl?gen to celebrate it. It's a special dish that takes hours to prepare.

Dorothy:
Ohh! Please Rose! Why don't you do what we all do? Buy frozen gl?ckenfl?gen!

Dorothy:
[impressed with some advice from Blanche] Blanche, you'd have made a great psychologist.

Sophia:
Way to go pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour!

Blanche:
Oh, sometimes I wish she was my mother... [pauses]... so i could be the one to put her in Shady Pines.

Dorothy:
It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

Airport Mendicant:
Excuse me. Would you like to buy a flower?

Sophia Petrillo:
Beat it, chrome-dome! And while you're at it, get a job! Get a suit! And get on your knees and beg your mother's forgiveness!

Blanche Devereaux:
Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?

Rose Nylund:
Oh, Blanche! How exciting!

Blanche Devereaux:
Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
George.

Blanche Devereaux:
No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!

Rose Nylund:
It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.

Blanche Devereaux:
Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.

Rose Nylund:
George.

Blanche Devereaux:
No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.

Albert:
George.

Blanche Devereaux:
Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[looking through Blanche's boudier calendar] Whoa!

Blanche Devereaux:
September?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Yep!

Sophia Petrillo:
I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.

Rose Nylund:
We could have an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, I am not going to drink eggnog while wearing a metal brassiere.

Rose Nylund:
We don't do that at Christmas, Dorothy, we do that at Easter.

Sophia Petrillo:
[Walking into the holdup] Half an hour alone in that car, what do I look like, a dachshund?

Rose Nylund:
Sophia, look out, he has a gun!

Sophia Petrillo:
[steals the gun from Santa] This is a toy!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I don't believe it!

Sophia Petrillo:
Neither do I, you call yourself an Italian and you can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Where is the Christmas spirit?

Sophia Petrillo:
Neiman Marcus, third floor, ladies apparel.

Rose:
I stopped in a diner and Blanche, there's a egg dish named after you.

Blanche:
Really? How are they prepared?

Sophia:
Over-easy.

Rose:
Oh, God, this waiting is driving me crazy! Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?

Blanche:
Just kept it to myself, and acted like a real b*tch to everybody else

Rose:
No wonder we never knew!

Sophia:
[discussing the "birds and bees" talk] Thank God I was one of those progressive parents.

Dorothy:
Yes, and I was amazed with your scientific explanation. You told me never to let a boy touch me "you know where." And you spelled "where."

Blanche:
AIDs is not a bad person's disease, Rose. It is not God punishing people for their sins!

Sophia:
[after Blanche tells Dorothy and Sophia about when she lost her virginity for the "first time"] It's nice of you to share something so personal with us Blanche. In a bayou? You slut!

Blanche:
Hi Rose, what's going on?

Rose:
Oh I'm just sitting here kicking myself for not taking care of my gallbladder, and then for going to that hospital for the operation, and letting them give me blood without asking first 'Oh excuse me, are you sure this isn't going to KILL me one day'?

Blanche:
Now now, Rose, take it easy.

Rose:
WHY does everyone keep saying take it easy? I don't FEEL like taking it easy. I might have AIDS, and it scares the HELL out of me. And yet every time I open my mouth to talk about it somebody goes 'there there, Rose, take it easy'.

Blanche:
I'm sorry, honey.

Rose:
Why ME, Blanche? I'm tired of pretending I'm feel okay so you won't say take it easy, and I'm tired of you saying take it easy because you're afraid I'm going to fall apart. Dammit, why is this happening to ME? This isn't supposed to happen to people like ME. You must've gone to bed with HUNDREDS of men. All I had was one innocent operation.

Blanche:
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! Are you saying this should be me and not you?

Rose:
No! No, I'm just saying that I'm a good person. Hell I'm a goody two shoes!

Blanche:
AIDS is not a BAD person's disease, Rose, it is not God punishing people for their SINS.

Rose:
[quietly] You're right, Blanche.

Blanche:
Well you're damn straight I'm right! [pause] I'm sorry I yelled.

Rose:
Oh don't apologize, I mean this is what I want, oh God this waiting is driving me crazy.

Dr. Jonathan Newman:
Hello, I'm Dr. Jonathan Newman.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Are you absolutely sure?

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh! Oh, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I made a fool of myself, didn't I?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Yes!

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, I feel awful, just awful!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Listen, if you don't want tonight to turn into a total disaster, you have to stop being so self-conscious.

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh, well you're right, of course. Dr. Newman is a guest in our home. If I'm self-conscious, he'll be ill at ease. I can't allow that to happen. It would be... un-Southern.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
That's a good belle.

Blanche Devereaux:
Dorothy, get the door. [picks up the tray of hors d'oeuvres and walks through the kitchen door. To Dr. Newman and Rose] Shrimp? [keeps walking in a circle so she can go right back in the kitchen]

Dr. Jonathan Newman:
[Rose and Dr Newman are finishing dinner] Well, what did you think?

Rose Nylund:
Oh, it was delicious. I love French food. What was that you had?

Dr. Jonathan Newman:
Trout.

Rose Nylund:
What do they call it in French?

Dr. Jonathan Newman:
Le Trout.

Blanche Devereaux:
Anything can happen on a leap year's full moon if you just believe.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[clapping] Oh I do believe, I do believe in sluts!

Sophia Petrillo:
Leap year, full moon, the curse!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Come on Ma, it's the 90s. Call it what it is: our monthly visitor.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[hearing about their village witch] What "village"? I was born in Brooklyn.

Sophia Petrillo:
Here's a newsflash, witches can fly.

Sophia Petrillo:
I have to kiss a fool to save Dorothy from the curse.

Blanche Devereaux:
So why don't you kiss Rose and get it over with?

Sophia Petrillo:
Technically Rose isn't a fool, she's a simpleton.

Blanche Devereaux:
What's the difference?

Sophia Petrillo:
How can I explain it... Fools read Dear Abby, simpletons read Ann Landers. It's a fine line.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
You invited 15 men and no women.

Blanche Devereaux:
Dorothy I know what you're thinking, but Rose and Sophia will be here, you'll have somebody to talk to.

Sophia Petrillo:
No fair, I had to talk to her the last time.

Rose:
Men would rather pay for cupcakes.

Dorothy:
Now, listen here, you little Swedish meatball! I... wait. You're actually talking about cupcakes aren't you?

Rose:
You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What were you talking about?

Dorothy:
Nothing...

Rose:
Wait a minute... Have you and Miles been... baking together?

Dorothy:
No, of course not. I'd never do that to you.

Rose:
Good. [she picks up a coffee mug] Because if I catch Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd... [she angrily breaks it with her bare hand]

Blanche Devereaux:
[angrily] Ooh I hate him, God do I hate him! Not only did he steal my necklace, but he betrayed my trust! Oh please, God, let him get caught, let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.

Salvadore Petrillo:
[yelling] I'm tired of this "old lady" business. You're acting like an ass! You don't look 50. You don't look 48. You're as beautiful as the day I married you.

Sophia Petrillo:
Oh, Salvadore! Tell me that again.

Salvadore Petrillo:
[still yelling] You're acting like an ass!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Blanche, did anything happen between you and Sven that would make him think that you liked him? [Blanche seems reluctant to answer]

Sven:
You mean you didn't tell them about you kissing me?

Rose Nylund:
KISSING him?

Sven:
Or stroking my hair?

Rose Nylund:
Stroking his hair?

Sven:
Or feeding me?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[sees that Rose is speechless] All right, I'll say it. FEEDING him?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[looking at an erotic cake Rose unwittingly bought] WHOA OH!

Blanche Devereaux:
Why Rose Nylund. Why, that cake is in the shape of...

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Blanche, we know what it is.

Rose Nylund:
I thought it was in the shape of Florida!

Blanche Devereaux:
That reminds me... I gotta give Charlie Melbourne a call.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
If this cake reminds you of Charlie Melbourne, we can BOTH give him a call!

Rose Nylund:
I got tickets, too! This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...

Blanche Devereaux:
[cuts Rose off] No, no, no, no! Please! I cannot bear that again! [to Dorothy] She was listening to her car radio. Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim-bam-boom, she won the tickets!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma! How in the world did you get these?

Sophia Petrillo:
Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.

Rose Nylund:
You know Frank Sinatra?

Sophia Petrillo:
No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.

Blanche Devereaux:
Sinatra?

Sophia Petrillo:
No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Tina Tortoni?

Sophia Petrillo:
Tina Sinatra!

Rose Nylund:
Here you go, Sophia, the perfect after dinner treat, a nice dish of Jello.

Sophia Petrillo:
I hate Jello, if God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air He would've filled them with helium.

Sophia Petrillo:
It's Tuesday night, I'm cleaning out my purse.

Rose Nylund:
Did all that stuff come out of your purse?

Sophia Petrillo:
No, I was also cleaning out my ears, that's where the Feen-A-Mint and the rain bonnet came from.

Rose Nylund:
Sophia, why're you in such a bad mood?

Sophia Petrillo:
Forgive me Rose, but I haven't had sex in 15 years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

Blanche Devereaux:
I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to, he said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

Rose Nylund:
No!

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh yes! I just don't know what to do!

Sophia Petrillo:
Get it in writing.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I am exhausted, I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.

Rose Nylund:
You can't buy from a scalper, that's a crime.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.

Rose Nylund:
I have to test them.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Rose, one is testing, fourteen is brunch.

Rose Nylund:
Good Lord I'm a criminal!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Fine, as long as you already have a record, I can count you in.

Blanche Devereaux:
Sophia, why are you up?

Sophia Petrillo:
Same reason you're up.

Blanche Devereaux:
You're filled with anxiety?

Sophia Petrillo:
I'm old.

Blanche Devereaux:
I'm not old.

Sophia Petrillo:
Oh, forgive me. I'm supposed to support your vain, narcissistic fantasy that you're still in your 40's.

Blanche Devereaux:
It's either that or a big rent raise.

Rose Nylund:
Hi, you guys. What are you doing up?

Blanche Devereaux:
Sophia's old and I'm filled with anxiety.

Rose Nylund:
Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?

Sophia Petrillo:
There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy!

Blanche Devereaux:
Why are you insulting me?

Sophia Petrillo:
It's a defense mechanism. I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh, well I understand. In that case, I won't take it personally.

Sophia Petrillo:
Thanks, you human mattress.

Sophia Petrillo:
Dorothy, where I come from you learn never to turn your back on family! NEVER! When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn their back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.

Rose Nylund:
[Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirstin the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.

Blanche Devereaux:
So you told her?

Rose Nylund:
No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
You are kidding, Rose?

Rose Nylund:
No! That's how my mother taught me.

Blanche Devereaux:
Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about... what a man would look like?

Rose Nylund:
It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?... Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after falling out with Michael] Now look - Rose, stop wining! You know that your going to have to speak to your boss about your workload - wallowing in self pity is not going to help!

Blanche Devereaux:
[walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!

Blanche Devereaux:
[about Michael] You just did what you had to!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy - wondering where he is - I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know - or in some flophouse or out on the street!

Sophia Petrillo:
[walking in] Michael called - he's staying with Stan.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

Rose Nylund:
[Exhausted, doing research for work] I have to make sure this watch really is waterproof.

Blanche Devereaux:
[Pitying Rose's stupidity] Honey, why don't you take the watch off your wrist?

Rose Nylund:
Come on Blanche, then I'd have my hand in a bucket of water for nothing.

[Blanche is upset after discovering her late husband had cheated on her in 1967, fathering an illegitimate son he never knew of]

Blanche Devereaux:
Why did George cheat on me?

Rose Nylund:
Why does any man cheat?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Well, there are two poular theories: 1 - Men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programmes their sexual drives.

Blanche Devereaux:
What's the other one?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Men are scum.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Blanche, every time I turn around you have the baby in your arms.

Blanche Devereaux:
Dorothy, its just amazing - every time I pick her up she stops fussing and goes back to sleep!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Well you shouldn't do that! The baby won't get used to sleeping alone.

Blanche Devereaux:
Well you never get used to sleeping alone - I haven't.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Please, siamese twins sleep alone more than you do.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Rose, honey... have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?

Rose Nylund:
You know what's funny? Everytime the baby's diaper needs to be changed, the bears disappear.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
That's funny, everytime my kids' diapers needed to be changed, my husband would disappear.

Rose:
[describing Blanche] She's a character. She's also a cheap slut.

Blanche:
Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.

Rose:
You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan."

Dorothy:
What the hell goes on in this house at night?

Sophia Petrillo:
Well, now that I'm up, I might as well do some shopping.

Dorothy:
Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!

Sophia Petrillo:
[to Dorothy] Thank you, Pussycat.

Nurse DeFarge:
Oh, you're Pussycat, too?

Dorothy:
*I* am Pussycat One. *YOU* are Pussycat Two!

Sophia Petrillo:
[Dorothy sees Sophia dancing after she's been faking an injury] I wuv you!

Dorothy:
Too wittle, too wate!

[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]

Sophia Petrillo:
I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!

Sophia Petrillo:
Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?

Rose Nylund:
Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.

Sophia Petrillo:
Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

[Dorothy, Blanche and Rose are stranded overnight at a railway station]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I don't believe this. I mean this has to be the most depressing day of my life. First Edna McCarthy's funeral now this.

Blanche Devereaux:
Y' know, being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quiclky life can pass you by. Maybe I oughta do something more adventurous in my life.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
More adventurous! The Kama Sutra had to publish a supplement because of you!

Blanche Devereaux:
I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about things I've always wanted to do but never got around to trying. Dorothy, didn't you have something you wanted to do? Some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Mm-hm. I awlays wanted to try a nudist camp.

Stationmaster:
[overhearing] Some big pots belong on the back burner.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[to stationmaster] Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating?

[last lines]

Sophia Petrillo:
You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half bad.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[as Rose is praying to God, Dorothy has had enough and lowers her voice before she speaks] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now SHUT UP and get into bed.

Rose Nylund:
[wide eyed, thinking it's really the voice of God] Amen!

Rose Nylund:
Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a few minutes.

Stationmaster:
The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
How could our train have left a half-hour early?

Stationmaster:
Oh, all the trains out of Appalappichobee leave early. That's what our town's famous for! Now, y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our Trains Leave Early" right on the town seal!

Rose Nylund:
You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?

Stationmaster:
No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!

Blanche Devereaux:
This is like a Twilight Zone... somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Yeah, uh, when is the next train to Miami?

Stationmaster:
Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 AM tomorrow morning.

Rose Nylund:
Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30?

Stationmaster:
Welcome to Appalappichobee!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
What track does the 9:15 to Miami leave on?

Stationmaster:
Well, Ma'am, we've only got one track, but we call it Track 19. Nobody knows why, but it sure gives everybody something to talk about while they're waiting on the next tornado to hit the mobile home!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Thank you very much... oh, and please say hello to Opie and Aunt Bee for me when you see them.

Dorothy:
[about Rose] This death trip is probably harder on her than it is on us.

Blanche:
What do you mean harder on her? We're the ones doing everything around here while she's out there...eating life!

Sophia:
I ate Life once, not a bad cereal...when we run out of the shredded wheat, let's give it another go.

Dorothy:
Ma, why don't you go back to bed?

Sophia:
Maybe I'll have some shredded wheat now, that way we'll get to the Life sooner.

Blanche:
[Abot Rose's recent behavior] I am abhorred!

Sophia:
[Overhearing] We know what you are, Blanche, I'm glad to hear you finally admitting it.

Blanche:
Sophia, I said abhorred.

Sophia:
A whore, a slut, a tramp - they're all the same.

Cowboy #2:
Howdy, ladies. My name's Rusty. I don't recollect seeing you two fillies 'round these parts. Mind if a lonesome cowboy puts his saddlebags 'round your campf...

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Give us a break, would you mac!

Rose Nylund:
Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl, one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...

Sophia Petrillo:
[cuts off Rose] Excuse me, Rose. Have I given you any indication at all that I care?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Didn't you sleep well?

Sophia Petrillo:
No, Rose kept me up, the storm scared her, she comes into my room at 2 in the morning begging, crying, just like your father before we got married.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
What did you do?

Sophia Petrillo:
I told him 'you're not getting anything till I see a ring on this finger, and a donkey in my father's barn'.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Not Pop, Rose.

Sophia Petrillo:
I told her to get the hell out, she was annoying me.

Sophia Petrillo:
[Rose is leaving for work] While you're out there, Rose, why don't you pull a few weeds out of the sidewalk?

Rose Nylund:
Okey dokey. [leaves]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma, you said you'd weed the sidewalk.

Sophia Petrillo:
I said I'd get it done, it's getting done!

Leonard Barton:
[Sophia put a curse on him with the evil eye] I went out to my garage this morning and found the air had been let out of my tires, I know she's responsible.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Oh come on, Mr. Barton, it was just a coincidence.

Sophia Petrillo:
Coincidence my *eye*.

Leonard Barton:
Where's the old witch?

Gladys Barton:
Leonard, don't call her a witch, you'll get another boil on your butt.

Leonard Barton:
Tell the world, Gladys! [to Sophia] I'm begging you, my clocks are all wrong, I can't find my golf clubs, I can't sleep, I can't eat!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Can't sit.

Gladys Barton:
That too... please, take the curse off.

Sophia Petrillo:
You'll move the tree?

Leonard Barton:
It'll be out of here first thing in the morning.

Sophia Petrillo:
Fine. [feels her teeth]

Leonard Barton:
Does that mean the curse is over?

Sophia Petrillo:
That means I shouldn't eat asparagus at dinner. [snaps her fingers] That means the curse is over!

Big Daddy Hollingsworth:
[singing] #It ain't gonna worry me for long, it ain't gonna worry me for long. I'll get up in the morning and I'll still be singing my song.#

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[singing] "Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice. Miami is nice, Miami is nice, Miami is..." Wait a minute, wait a minute, *wait a minute*. You put in an extra "Miami is nice".

Rose Nylund:
I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense. I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice."

Rose Nylund:
Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice."

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Thrice! Who the hell says "thrice"?

Rose Nylund:
It's a word.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
So is inter-uterine. It does not belong in a song.

Rose Nylund:
[trying to make it work] "Miami... you're cuter than... an inter-uter-ann".

Big Daddy:
Well, now I don't want you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning on walking down the aisle together.

Blanche Devereaux:
OHHHHHHH!

Big Daddy:
Is she happy or sad?

Rose Nylund:
I'm not sure, I've never heard her make that sound before.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
No, I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[Rose and Dorothy are discussing whether they should enter a Miami song writing competition] You know, Rose, I have to confess, I dabbled a little in poetry writing in High School.

Rose Nylund:
Oh, well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of tall girls who wouldn't get dates wrote poetry in High School.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I meant that for ten thousand dollars, I might try my hand at lyric writing. I mean, maybe we could, you know, team up.

Rose Nylund:
You mean music by Rose Nylund, lyrics by Dorothy Zbornak?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Well, why not? I mean, we could be the next Rodgers and Hammerstein, the next Simon and Garfunkel, the next...

Rose Nylund:
[excited] Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I don't know if I could get my hand that far up your dress... But I'll tell you, for ten thousand dollars, I'd be willing to give it a try.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[In response to Sophia making jokes about her birth] Ma, you know you're really hurting my feelings.

Sophia Petrillo:
Not as much as you hurt my oonie.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
MA!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, listen! You don't have to do anything to please your parents!

Sophia Petrillo:
She's right. I'd like to be proud of Dorothy for something but I'm not going to kill myself if that day never comes.

Rose Nylund:
But my parents called me Twinkletoes.

Sophia Petrillo:
I called Dorothy Bigfoot. That doesn't mean she has to make tracks all over the Northwest.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What Ma is trying to say is that she loves me for what I am.

Sophia Petrillo:
That's right. An over-the-hill schoolteacher who has to wait for the phone to ring to know if she's going to work that day.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Oh. It doesn't matter what your parents want. Rose, you're never going to make them happy. They're just going to nag you and nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke them but you don't because you're in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!

Blanche Devereaux:
Becky conceived her baby in a clinic and now she's delivering in a bed, she's got this whole birthing thing backwards!

Rose Nylund:
Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Yes and yes.

Sophia Petrillo:
[to Rose, who's dragging her feet on the floor] Rose, don't make fun of old people.

Rose Nylund:
I'm wearing weights to strengthen my ankles.

Sophia Petrillo:
Do they come in a headband?

Blanche Devereaux:
You know, senior ice skating is not a bad idea. I might try entering in 15 or so years when I'm eligible.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Luge is the only sport where you get to lay on your back.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Becky. Is something wrong? What's the matter?

Rebecca Devereaux:
I was just wondering what being in labour feels like.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
How do you feel right now?

Rebecca Devereaux:
If I had any military secrets, I'd talk.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Showtime.

Blanche Devereaux:
[visiting a birthing center] Oh, this is all wrong! What kind of dope would want to have a baby here?

Rose Nylund:
[walking into the room] This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

Tamara:
[a woman is crying out, giving birth] Sounds like there's a mommy in the making!

Rose Nylund:
Sounds like there's a mommy on fire!

Tamara:
I'll be right back.

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh good, we can sneak out.

Rebecca Devereaux:
Mother!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Becky, I have to admit everything is well coordinated here. But honey, wouldn't you be happier in a place where there's less stereo and more...

[another scream]

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
morphine?

Rebecca Devereaux:
I'm just looking into alternatives. You know, hospitals have a rigid way of doing things.

[another cry]

Rebecca Devereaux:
Why is she screaming?

Sophia Petrillo:
She's conscious!

Rebecca Devereaux:
[another cry] I just want this to be an experience I'll never forget.

[sudden horrific scream]

Tamara:
You're in luck. You're about to see one of our deliveries.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
We don't need the whole tour.

Rose:
Hi Blanche! Gee, you look terrific!

Blanche:
Thanks! [jogs out the door]

Rose:
[to Dorothy] Blanche looks terrible!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
That's because all she eats is wheat grass and bee pollen.

Rose:
I know! And the strange thing is the bees look so good!

Rose:
Now come on, why don't you take a nap while I fix you something to eat?

Alma Lindstrom:
Rosey, I'm not a child. I don't need a nap.

Rose:
There's nothing wrong with take a nap - Bob Hope takes naps!

Sophia Petrillo:
Unless he's in the bedroom, now, taking one I think she'd rather stay here with us.

Rose:
I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom. THIS IS BLANCHE AND THIS IS DOROTHY AND SOPHIA!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. TELL ME HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?

Alma Lindstrom:
IT WAS JUST FINE! [to Rose] Which one of them is hard of hearing?

Blanche:
[a man in his 20s has invited Blanche out to dinner] You know what I think, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk. I'm gonna go out with him this Saturday night.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Was there ever any doubt?

Blanche:
Momentarily. This is strictly off the record but - Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
In what Blanche, dog years?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
What are you doing now?

Blanche:
I'm taking my bee-pollen and my sheep's liver extract and my fish oil protein. I'm getting younger with each passing day.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Great. When they defrost Walt Disney he'll have someone to go out with.

Rose:
I know I drive you crazy, but it's just because I love you so much. You know, after daddy died, I just thought I'd never get over it. And Charlie... Well, there's not a day goes by that I don't think about him. And now that you're getting older, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you too. That's why I fuss over you so much.

Alma Lindstrom:
I understand, Rosie, but stopping me from living isn't going to stop me from dying.

Rose:
[They hug] Oh, I can't stand to think about it!

Alma Lindstrom:
Well, then, don't. Let's just enjoy what we have...

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma, where're you going with all that food?

Sophia Petrillo:
I'm laying supplies for when Rose's mother gets here, she's on a special diet; I hate those people, you turn your back for 2 seconds, BOOM BOOM, your food's gone. Suddenly anything you're eating is on their diet.

Dirk:
[making small talk at a restaurant] I'm into macrobiotics.

Blanche:
So am I, I just like this atmosphere.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma, what makes you think Rose's mother is old? She's the same age you are.

Sophia Petrillo:
Then why did Rose rent a wheelchair at the airport, order her a special meal on the plane, and put an oxygen tank in the garage?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Maybe her mother is a disabled welder on a special diet.

Blanche:
Read any good books lately?

Dirk:
Pumping Iron. I saw the movie too but I just don't think it did the book justice.

Blanche:
Yes, well... how could it?

Alma Lindstrom:
[with $500 she won] Sophia, what time does that mall close? I feel like doing something wild. I know, I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear!

Sophia Petrillo:
Nah, it rides up on me.

Rose:
[Blanche is upset after falling out with her daughter] It's not like Blanche to go to bed at eight o'clock.

Sophia:
At least not by herself!

Dorothy:
No, Blanche is depressed, Rose.

Rose:
Do you think she's depressed about Rebecca?

Dorothy:
No, Rose. She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.

Rose:
Boy, I remember when I was a little girl, when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up. She'd take out her dentures and she'd take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she'd put a flashlight under a chin, and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could have watched it all day... but visiting hours were only from ten to four.

[Dorothy and Sophia can only stare in silence at their eccentric companion]

McCracken:
[Sophia and two of her elderly colleagues, are negotiating with their harsh boss, a restuarant manager - who is approximatly 15-years-old]... Look the only reason I came over here was so you didn't cause a scene at the Chow Wagon when I fired you!

Sophia:
...Fired us?

McCracken:
You heard me! And no story you could tell is going to make me change my mind.

Edna:
NOT even the one we could tell your father about how his car got dented while you were doing wheelies and NOT while it was sitting in the parking lot?

McCracken:
You wouldn't do that? Would you?

Sophia:
Hey - she's your Grandmother has she ever lied to you?

Sophia:
[Meets Rebecca for the first time] You're Blanche's daughter, the model? [Rebecca nods "yes"]

Sophia:
[Turns to Dorothy and Rose] What'd she model, car covers!

Rose:
So, Becky, what brings you here to Miami?

Sophia:
My guess is a small barge!

Woman:
I'll give you a dollar for it.

Sophia Petrillo:
A dollar? What the hell do you think this is? Baghdad? Get the hell out of here!

Blanche:
[Enters covered in flour] They got my jewels.

Dorothy:
But I see they didn't get your cocaine.

Rose:
Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?

Blanche:
This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!

[armed with the gun she bought to protect herself, Rose hears noises from the front door as Blanche and her date are coming in; she shoots towards the door]

Blanche:
Rose, you shot my vase.

Rose:
I didn't shoot Lester.

Blanche:
I'd rather you shot Lester.

Sophia:
I manage to live 80, 81 years. I've had pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One morning I'll belch and Stable Mable here will blow my head off.

Rose:
They were probably looking for drugs.

Dorothy:
We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

Dorothy:
[Trying to calm Rose] Honey, we were robbed. It's scary but it happens. And now it's over, and the robbers are gone.

Rose:
[Revealing mental trauma] I know. I know that! I know it's over. I know they're gone, but not for me! For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!

Blanche:
With George, when I'd hear a noise I'd wake him up, and... then he'd take out his gun, and then... he'd have to find the bullets because I'd always hide the bullets, and then... when he'd found the bullets, we'd make love.

Sophia:
Boy, can you tell a story.

Dorothy:
Rose, this has gone too far, you need to see someone.

Blanche:
Dorothy, I don't think a date will help her.

Dorothy:
Not a date, a psychiatrist, hotpants!

Sophia:
I managed to live 90, 81 years. I survived pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night, I'll belch and stable Mable here will blow my head off!

Rose:
[about her pig named Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.

Dorothy:
The actor or the sausage?

Rose:
[to her pig, Baby] There you are! You get into the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny!

Sophia:
All right, I'm going, I'm going... Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner in the home.

Sophia:
[describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.

Dorothy:
Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?

Sophia:
I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5, you want 'em? A lifetime's supply.

Sophia:
[after wandering out into the street without her glasses] Dorothy, who the hell parked a Buick in my bedroom?

Sophia:
[seeing Baby, without her glasses] My God that's the cutest baby I've ever seen.

Dorothy:
Ma! It's a pig!

Sophia:
Hey you were no looker when I brought you home from the hospital either, I brought you anyway!

Blanche Devereaux:
How long does Rose have to keep this pig before she gets the money?

Chester T. Raney:
As long as he lives.

Chester T. Raney:
Oh forget it!

Rose:
Well I'd split the money with you, girls.

Dorothy:
Forget it!

Blanche Devereaux:
How long does a pig live?

Chester T. Raney:
25 years?

Rose:
Forget it!

Blanche Devereaux:
How old is this pig?

Chester T. Raney:
29.

Dorothy:
Welcome, Baby!

Blanche Devereaux:
I just read that it's very important that every child has a male influence in their life.

Rose:
What are we going to do?

Dorothy:
We'll all put on Yankee caps and scratch our behinds after beer!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Who's the letter from, Ma?

Sophia Petrillo:
Joanne Pescatori! She's coming to Miami for a visit!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Joanne Pescatori, didn't she own that little candy store down the street from us in Brooklyn?

Sophia Petrillo:
That was Jeanette Pasadano.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Oh. Then who was Joanne Pescatori?

Sophia Petrillo:
How the hell should I know? This letter's for Rose.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Ma, why are you reading Rose's mail?

Sophia Petrillo:
Because all you got were bills... Listen to this part at the end, tell me if you think Joanne's a lesbian.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Ma! [Snatches the letter from Sophia]

Rose Nylund:
[about Blanche's jacket] It looks like you got a jacket somebody else returned. It's kind of beat up.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, that's the style, it's an aviator's jacket.

Blanche Devereaux:
And now all I need is some accessories for it.

Rose Nylund:
Like a handbag?

Blanche Devereaux:
Like an aviator.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What did you do with it?

Sophia Petrillo:
[grabs a vase with flowers] Stand back, I'm not afraid to use this.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Spill it, Ma. [Sophia dumps the water out of the vase] What you did with the jacket, Ma!

Sophia Petrillo:
I'm scared, I'll do anything you say.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[scratching off their tickets] What if you get three palm trees?

Sophia Petrillo:
You don't have three palm trees, that means you win $10,000.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Ma, I know what three palm trees looks like.

Sophia Petrillo:
You also know what a handsome doctor looks like, doesn't mean you have one.

Rose Nylund:
Oh darn, I forgot to brush my teeth.

Ben:
I know what you mean, I'm used to brushing my teeth after every meal... you wouldn't happen to have a meal on you, would you?

Blanche Devereaux:
I suppose I could try a little friendly persuasion.

Rose Nylund:
Friendly persuasion hell, this isn't for lunch at the Rainbow Room, this is for 10 big ones, give him what he wants!

Ida:
I didn't know, nobody told me that it cost money to get old. I just figured that was one thing you got for free.

[Dorothy smiles]

Ida:
But it isn't,

[Dorothy looks somber]

Ida:
The retirement home costs money, the doctors cost money, medicine costs money. I always thought it was so sad I'd outlived my whole family; but I didn't know that it was going to be a punishment.

Rose Nylund:
[the lights go out] What's that?

Ben:
Oh, bedtime, Rose.

Rose Nylund:
Does that mean we have to stop talking?

Ben:
No, they just like you to stay in your own bed.

Kenny:
It's all about pressure, and family, friends, professors. No room to slide, you always have to be perfect. Guess what, Blanche? I'm not perfect.

Ida:
I wonder now, I don't decide things anymore. I wait for things to happen.

Ben:
[to Rose] The hotel business started to slump, hundreds of people got laid off. I tried to find work but it turns out not many businesses are interested in training a 55 year old black hotel porter, go figure, eh? The winters were hard in Minnesota, it took me nearly 3 months but I finally made it to Miami. Oh, listen to me rambling on all night, tell you what, you can tell me your sad story at breakfast.

Ida:
[to Dorothy and Sophia about how she left the rest home] Then I received a letter, the money had run out. I asked for help. They gave me some... phone numbers.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Blanche, I didn't know you were in here.

Blanche Devereaux:
I was hiding behind the drapes.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What is this, Hamlet?

Rose Nylund:
Four nights in a row and I still can't sleep!

Sophia Petrillo:
Please! I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I was seventy.

Rose Nylund:
I shouldn't complain; I mean, four nights is nothing compared to Elsie Uteruden back in St. Olaf. She stayed away for 17 straight days in a rocking chair marathon. Course she couldn't have done it without the moral support of her children... and her husband... and his cattle prod.

Stan Zbornak:
Morning ladies. Hey the way you leave that back door open any idiot could walk in here.

Sophia Petrillo:
Any idiot did!

Buddy Rourke:
Rose Nylund?

Sophia Petrillo:
No. And if I ever start acting like her, PULL THE PLUG!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I thought you were gonna were something from your closet.

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, I was. But as it turned out, nothing fit me.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops, you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.

Blanche Devereaux:
That's not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.

Sophia Petrillo:
Of course it does. That's why you have to cover it with a dress.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I really would like you to go with me and help me pick out a dress. What do you say?

Sophia Petrillo:
What do I say? I'm your mother, Dorothy. I was there for you when you needed a communion dress. I was there for you when you needed a prom dress. I was there for you when you needed a wedding dress. And frankly, I'm sick of it - buy your own damned dress.

Rose:
I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, Shroeder was behind the plate, Lucy and Snoopy were in center field, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do you think it is?

Dorothy:
Peanuts envy?

Glen O'Brien:
Half my block was Irish, the other half was Italian. We used to take turns beating each other up on the way to school.

Rose:
I think it's great when kids take turns.

Blanche Devereaux:
Remember Sophia, when you find money, you buy something that you would never buy for yourself.

Sophia Petrillo:
What are you going to buy for yourself, underwear?

Blanche Devereaux:
Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.

Rose Nylund:
I asked you to tell him I'm not going.

Blanche Devereaux:
I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.

Rose Nylund:
Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.

Rose Nylund:
Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
What!

Rose Nylund:
Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, I couldn't!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Of course che couldn't!

Blanche Devereaux:
You stay out of this Dorothy.

Rose Nylund:
Well, why not? It's all over betwen us. He'll know that tonight.

Blanche Devereaux:
It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
A backstabbing slut?

Blanche Devereaux:
No.

Rose Nylund:
Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favour to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed [Blanche exits]

Rose Nylund:
[to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

Rose:
I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.

Dorothy:
Rose I know something else. Mars Bars are made right here on Earth.

Dorothy:
Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?

Blanche Devereaux:
Yes.

Rose:
And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?

Blanche Devereaux:
Yes!

Dorothy:
Then what do you have to say for yourself?

Blanche Devereaux:
Damn, I'm good!

Dorothy:
Blanche, I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.

Blanche:
No, that's fine, but I should point out that it was designed for a dainty neck.

Dorothy:
Yes, Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.

Blanche:
Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.

Barbara Thorndyke:
Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay" [to Dorothy] I've grown so much as a writer since then.

Blanche:
Well, I should hope so!

Dorothy:
Blanche!

Barbara Thorndyke:
[to Dorothy] It's alright [patronisingly to Blanche] Did you have a problem with my book, dear?

Blanche:
Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves. Little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!

Barbara Thorndyke:
Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...

Blanche:
I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.

Rose Nylund:
Blanche, what's a metaphor?

Blanche:
It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty". They're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

[Dorothy has announced to the girls that local author Barbara Thorndyke will be their guest that evening]

Rose Nylund:
Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow! I've never met a real author before.

Blanche:
I have. I once stood in line at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!

Dorothy:
You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it's usually Faulkner, Fritgerald and...

Blanche:
And Schwarzenegger. Yeah.

Rose Nylund:
Did he sign your book?

Blanche:
Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh!

Dorothy:
He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche:
What was your first impression of me?

Rose Nylund:
That you wore too much make-up and were a slut. But I was wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.

Rose Nylund:
[Rose and Blanche are at the kitchen table discussing first impressions; a "back in St. Olaf's" story inevitably ensues] We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.

Blanche:
Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.

Rose Nylund:
No, that was her name! Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper. She had it changed legally because everybody called her that anyway.

Blanche:
Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy?

Rose Nylund:
Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.

Blanche:
Oh. [nods]

Rose Nylund:
But that's beside the point. One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper and I asked her why she always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles! I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down! So from then on whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave!

Blanche:
That is one of the stupidest stories I've ever heard - which proves my first impression of you was right.

Blanche:
Hi, Dorothy. Rose and I are thinking about going to the movies; you want to go?

Dorothy:
Oh, I can't tonight. No, Barbara is taking me to the experimental theatre downtown.

Blanche:
Somebody dragged me to a show there one time. Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talkin' about God eatin' graham crackers. They wore masks to cover their faces, but other than that they were totally naked.

Rose Nylund:
And you stayed through the whole evening?

Blanche:
Well, I would have left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me. [Chews lip in thought] But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.

Sophia:
My laundry's more fun, Rose, you ever see panties from the 20s? They've got pockets on 'em.

Rose Nylund:
What kind of movie is this?

Man in Theatre:
Rip his throat out!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
It's a musical, Rose.

Blanche Devereaux:
[watching the movie] I want to get a better look at this guy.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
He's in a loin cloth, covered in oil, what more is there to see?

Blanche Devereaux:
I don't know but I'm going to move down to the front row and find out.

Rose Nylund, Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Surprise!

Sophia:
[coming in] Louder next time, my heart's still beating!

Rose Nylund:
We thought you were Mario.

Sophia:
You'll have to yell louder than that to kill him.

Rose Nylund:
The president's married to Nancy Davis now.

Sophia:
From "All About Eve"?

Rose Nylund:
That was Bette Davis.

Sophia:
The one who beat her children with wire hangers?

Rose Nylund:
That was Joan Crawford.

Sophia:
The fat cop from "Highway Patrol"?

Rose Nylund:
That was Broderick Crawford.

Sophia:
The president was married to Broderick Crawford?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[talking to Mario on a movie theatre] You know, a lot of people come to America to start a new life. You're looking at one. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Came to America, started a new career, married a Kennedy. Right now, he's tearing off a man's arm and hitting him with it.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[watching the movie] WHOA! Sorry Mario. I never realized that ripping a man's nose off his face would leave a hole that big.

Rose Nylund:
Mario, can I fix you a snack?

Mario:
Sure, I'm starved.

Rose Nylund:
How about a herring salad sandwich on raisin bread?

Mario:
Oh wow, I'm gonna miss my bus!

Rose Nylund:
Well you've got plenty of time, it's only [looks at her bare wrist] See you later.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What the hell is a weedenfrugen?

Rose Nylund:
Veedenfrugen.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I read somewhere that in America, you always felt that you were among friends.

Mario:
That was just a story.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I think it's a true story.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[reading Mario's essay] In America, you always felt that you were among friends.

Blanche Devereaux:
Sophia, there's something I don't understand. Now you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean, that's part of your charm.

Sophia Petrillo:
Thank you, you bed hopping relic.

Peterson:
[in court] Now Mrs Petrillo, I want you tell me in your own words-the words of a beautiful, dignified chick whose got a wild body for someone her age-exactly what kind of a person is your daughter?

Sophia Petrillo:
She put me in a home.

Blanche Devereaux:
He looks very peaceful and natural.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Yeah... as natural as a man can look wearing a black teddy.

Rose Nylund:
It's a beautiful teddy... I think more men should be buried in teddies.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I've just gotta remember that it's not the clothes that make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes oh God he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch!

Sophia Petrillo:
Dorothy, I never understood why your brother liked to wear women's clothes. Unless he was queer.

Blanche Devereaux:
Sophia, people don't say queer anymore, they say gay.

Sophia Petrillo:
They say gay if a guy can sing the entire score of "Gigi." But, a six foot three, two hundred pound married man with kids, who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour, I think you have to go with queer.

Rose Nylund:
[about Phil] So what if he was different? It's okay that you loved him.

Sophia Petrillo:
[voice cracking] I did love him. He was my son, my little boy. But every time I saw him I wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.

Angela Petrillo:
[tenderly] What he was Sophia, was a good man.

Sophia Petrillo:
[breaking down crying] My baby is gone!

Rose Nylund:
You need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose Nylund:
Let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

[the girls' friend and neighbour Renee is worried that her doctor husband spends too long at work and doesn't have much time for her]

Blanche Devereaux:
Talk to your husband.

Renee Corliss:
Blanche, at the hospital they call him St. George! I'm married to a saint and I'm gonna tell him to work less, I'm lonely?

Sophia Petrillo:
Dont you think St. Francis of Assisi's wife had a similar problem? Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?

Renee Corliss:
So what do I do? Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?

Rose Nylund:
Oh no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly go to another doctor.

Renee Corliss:
See?

Rose Nylund:
George is the only man to ever see me naked.

Blanche Devereaux:
Get outta here.

Rose Nylund:
Well, except for Charlie, of course.

Blanche Devereaux:
Get outta here.

Rose Nylund:
And the vet.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
The vet?

Rose Nylund:
Our prize hen, Henrietta, had some kind of a chicken disease. I don't exactly know what it was.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Chickenpox.

Rose Nylund:
No, I don't think so. Anyway, I had an earache so he saw us both at the same time.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
For that you got naked?

Rose Nylund:
I thought that was strange, too.

Renee Corliss:
[Last lines] I love you.

George Corliss:
I love you too, sweetheart.

Renee Corliss:
George?

George Corliss:
Hmm?

Renee Corliss:
Promise me one more thing.

George Corliss:
What?

Renee Corliss:
Promise me you'll never die...

Renee Corliss:
Dorothy, it's crazy, but I feel like, how can I bother him? He's doing all this important stuff. Saving lives. And I'm gonna bother him because I'm a little unhappy?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Renee, Jenny just left for college. All your kids are gone. This is a perfectly legitimate problem.

Rose Nylund:
It's the "Empty Nest" syndrome. When I had it, I didn't know what it was. I was just very depressed. By the time I figured out what it was, I was gonna tell Charlie, but he died that night.

Renee Corliss:
At two in the morning, waiting for George to come home, I called a radio talk show. I gave them the solution to the crisis in the Middle East.

Rose Nylund:
[excited] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?

Renee Corliss:
[delighted] You heard it?

Rose Nylund:
I didn't know that was you. You were great!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[after a pause to let it sink in] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?

Renee Corliss:
It's a big place. Nobody uses it.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
You would take a desert people and put them in the ice and snow?

Rose Nylund:
With the proper clothes, they'll be fine.

Rose Nylund:
How do you know if a grasshopper is Spanish?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

Rose Nylund:
She's in there.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Really Columbo?

Rose:
How can you tell if a grasshopper is Spanish?

Dorothy:
Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

Sophia Petrillo:
Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[laughs nervously] That's a very personal question!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
That long, huh?

Sophia Petrillo:
When was the last time you had sex?

Rose Nylund:
A... couple weeks ago.

Sophia Petrillo:
Let's not split hairs, Rose, you're the queen of the festival.

Rose Nylund:
I'm... I'm the queen?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
You're also the fool so we're saving a lot on payroll.

Blanche Devereaux:
[in a dress with a low cut blouse] Do I look convincing?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
As what, ye olde town slut?

Rebecca Devereaux:
[about Blanche's audition dress] Look at you! And you used to yell at me for wearing halter tops!

Jason Stillman:
I was in a party scene in 'Breakfast at Tiffany's', Audrey Hepburn spilled a drink on me, but they cut it out.

Blanche Devereaux:
I couldn't believe you thought I was the baby's mother, what were you thinking?

Jason Stillman:
Well I thought 'who am I to judge? I went bald at 23'.

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, I guess you don't want to go out with a grandmother, do you?

Jason Stillman:
No, I'd go out with a grandmother, I *won't* go out with somebody I can't trust. Goodbye, Blanche.

Rebecca Devereaux:
I thought you were finally starting to bond with your granddaughter, but you were just using her to get a man. Thanks for babysitting, Mama, you won't EVER have to do it again.

Sophia Petrillo:
Rose, before you bring out the sauce, tell us what ingredient you added to it?

Rose Nylund:
Well I don't want to spoil the surprise. I'll give you a hint: they're sugary, and they're gggggggrrrreat!

Sophia Petrillo:
Every generation adds something to the sauce thereby improving it. For instance, it was my great grandmother who added heat.

Rose Nylund:
What did you add, Sophia?

Sophia Petrillo:
A mouthful of wine. [Dorothy and Rose look at her] It was an accident! A *delicious* accident!

Sophia Petrillo:
Don't turn your back on your mother, Rebecca. Don't let your little girl grow up without a grandmother. I'm 85 and I still cherish all the memories that I had with mine.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Ma, you lied to me.

Sophia Petrillo:
Tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny - I've been messing with your head for almost sixty years.

Sophia Petrillo:
Hi, pussycat, how was school?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Oh, I hate those smart kids. They may be our brightest but they're also our rudest, considering most of them are guests in our country. No, give me a class of red-blooded underachievers.

Sophia Petrillo:
Pussycat, when you were in Junior High school and the kids gave you a hard time, what did I say?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Awww, you told me I was extra-special and they were just jealous.

Sophia Petrillo:
That's right. And if they still gave you a hard time, what did I tell you to say?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call. But Ma, this is different. You know, I've always wanted to teach an honors class, but now that I am, well, the kids are making me feel stupid.

Sophia Petrillo:
Dorothy, I'm gonna tell you something I never told you before. When you were about twelve and we lived in Brooklyn, they called me into the school to tell me you had the highest IQ in the borough.

Rose Nylund:
That's a coincidence. I was told I had the IQ *of* a burro.

Michael Zbornak:
Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.

Sophia Petrillo:
Please, I'm 81 years old, I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, what do you call a girl who's slept with a man she's known for less than one day?

Blanche Devereaux:
A damn good sport?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
I call her a tramp.

Blanche Devereaux:
I threw my back out in aerobics class, you see...

Michael Zbornak:
You don't have to explain, my mother's told me all about you.

Michael Zbornak:
I haven't eaten like this in a long time.

Sophia Petrillo:
Me either, when we're alone she feeds me lumpy oatmeal and black bananas.

Blanche Devereaux:
I'm tired of lying on my back... did I just say that?

Blanche Devereaux:
I don't think I can stand it much longer. My body feels like a Corvet up on rocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go. I feel like I'm gonna explode! Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my arm!

Sophia Petrillo:
[to Michael who's in bed with Bridget] You come into our house and act like a common gigolo, you've embarrassed me, your mother, and our friends, not to mention that poor stupid flat chested girl.

Blanche Devereaux:
[to Dorothy and Rose] Talk to your children, tell them how you feel, just make sure it brings you closer together, not farther apart.

Sophia Petrillo:
Who are you, Mr. Spock?

Rose Nylund:
I think you mean Doctor Spock, Sophia.

Sophia Petrillo:
They're both really smart and they both got big ears, who cares?

Blanche Devereaux:
I didn't listen to my children, you don't see any of them coming to visit me, do you?

Sophia Petrillo:
[dressed all in black with a veil included] I can't even see my hand in front of my face.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
How did this happen?

Michael Zbornak:
I didn't plan it, it just kind of happened.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Just kind of happened? Michael, DANDRUFF just kinds of happens, and if you don't know the difference, then I failed as a mother.

Michael Zbornak:
Would you stop beating yourself up? This isn't your fault.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Yes it is, where did I go wrong with you?

Michael Zbornak:
You did a great job with me.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
If I did a great job with you, you would be graduating medical school right now, not playing doctor with my best friend's daughter!

Rose Nylund:
[after catching their kids in bed] I can't believe it, you know how it is when you just can't believe something?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Yes, I can't believe Alan Thicke has his own TV series, it doesn't mean it's not true.

Kevin Kelly:
Oh, no. You're not a substitute nurse too, are you?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I'm sorry about your knee. You know, you wouldn't have been blindsided if you'd stayed in the pocket.

Kevin Kelly:
You know football?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I know everything. Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast.

Kevin Kelly:
Uh, yeah, some of the guys from the team. Are you signing it?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh yeah, and we'll just change this to 'Ms. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms.'

Kevin Kelly:
Listen, if you're feeling guilty about not influencing my life, don't. People have been trying to get me to be serious for years.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
We made a deal. You promised me that I could tutor you once football season was over, and it looks like it is.

Kevin Kelly:
Yeah, but this isn't exactly fair; I can't move.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Yeah, I know, I know. It'll be like teaching fish in a barrel.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I do not enjoy failing anybody, not even this kid, but he's just lazy. In his book report on A Tale of Two Cities he said he liked them both, but he prefers Minneapolis because that is where Prince is from!

Rose Nylund:
When the nitrous oxide wore off, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat but I think he was checking out more than that if you get my drift.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Why do you say that, Rose?

Rose Nylund:
I don't think wowie-wow-wow-wow is a medical term.

Blanche Devereaux:
No! How could he do a thing like that?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Believe me, just because doctors wear white does not mean that they're angels.

Sophia Petrillo:
Dorothy, you threw a priest out of the house, you disgust me.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma, you have relatives who've thrown priests out of windows.

Sophia Petrillo:
That was business!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Blanche is telling us about Freud.

Sophia Petrillo:
What're you asking her for? I'm the one who slept with him.

Blanche Devereaux:
Sophia this is serious, according to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgin, she could take her hostility out on us.

Sophia Petrillo:
Tunnels, he loved to drive through tunnels!

Sophia Petrillo:
Dorothy, you're home from school already!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma, do you realize you've said those exact words to me ever since I was in the 3rd grade? That's sweet.

Sophia Petrillo:
It's not sweet, 50 years you never stopped off any place? Get a life, Dorothy!

Rose Nylund:
You wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb just because I look like this!

Sophia Petrillo:
Rose, you underestimate yourself- I know people who think you sound dumb over the phone!

Sophia Petrillo:
I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out of the house.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.

Sophia Petrillo:
That was different, that was business!

Rose Nylund:
I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.

Blanche Devereaux:
Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche Devereaux:
[Pepe's in the ring, waiting for the bell] Pepe, we need to talk to you for a second.

Pepe:
Can it wait until after the fight, Blanche? Right now I have a few things on my mind.

Rose Nylund:
Like that big sucker in the other corner?

Pepe:
He's at the top of the list.

Sophia Petrillo:
Go do some road work, Pepe.

Pepe:
Que?

Sophia Petrillo:
Immigration, Pepe! Immigration!

Blanche:
[the girls have the flu] Dorothy, where's my heating pad?

Dorothy:
How should I know?

Blanche:
[she holds up an electrical cord] Well if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket

Rose Nylund:
I just feel a little achey.

Dorothy:
What kind of achey? Head-achey, stomach achey, what?

Dr. Richmond:
The flu's going around and I'm afraid you've all got it.

Sophia Petrillo:
I told them that 2 days ago. Tell them something new for $150.

Sophia Petrillo:
Who knew a little old lady with a tin can could make so much dough?

Sophia Petrillo:
What're you doing?

Rose Nylund:
We're having a group hug, Sophia.

Sophia Petrillo:
Well knock it off, the neighbors are going to get the wrong idea.

Blanche:
I feel hot.

Dorothy:
I feel cold.

Rose Nylund:
I feel guilty. This is all my fault.

Dorothy:
Oh no Rose, it's all my fault. As soon as I found out you were contagious I should've thrown you out of the house.

Blanche:
[to Rose] You don't have to worry about me, I'm very healthy. I treat my body like a temple.

Sophia Petrillo:
Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Sophia Petrillo:
Dorothy, do you have any cough drops?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
No.

Sophia Petrillo:
Hard candy?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
No.

Sophia Petrillo:
Tic Tacs?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Does it say K-Mart on the back of my nightgown?

Sophia Petrillo:
Actually, it does, you cheapskate!

Sophia:
Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.

Rose:
Where was it?

Sophia:
It was in my bra.

Rose:
What was it doing in your bra?

Sophia:
I was blowing my breast, Rose.

Father Frank Leahy:
[after arriving for his 'date' with Dorothy] You look beautiful, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
[humiliated, having just discovered Frank is a priest] I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.

Blanche Devereaux:
[Blanche acting nervous after realizing Dorothy's date is a priest] Sweet Jesus, why am I babbling?

Father Frank Leahy:
It's OK.

Blanche Devereaux:
I meant that in all due reverence, I never take the Lord's name in vain.

Father Frank Leahy:
OK.

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh, God now I am lying to a priest.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[re: Sophia hoarding money for 10 years] From now on I'm not paying for anything. You are on your own!

Sophia Petrillo:
You can't do this to me! You never touch the principal. That money's for my old age.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore!

Sophia Petrillo:
I'm in my twilight years!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
You're in the Twilight Zone! Hopi Indians are walking around saying, 'How does she do it?'

Sophia Petrillo:
[Rose let it slip Sophia has lots of money she's hoarding] Nice going counsel. Tell me, exactly how close do you sit to the TV while watching La Law?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
You don't know anything about law.

Rose Nylund:
I sure do. Every Thursday night I watch La Law.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, that's L.A. Law.

Rose Nylund:
I wondered why Susan Dey didn't speak with a French accent.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[after Sophia makes a comment about her killing her] Ma, you're just being silly. Here, have some tea.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[tone changes to menacing] It'll relax you.

Sophia Petrillo:
I don't trust it. Rose, you taste it.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[just as Rose is about to take a sip] ROSE, DON'T! That tea was for my mommy.

Tony Delveccio:
How does a sweet, innocent Sicilian girl like you know how to do those things?

Sophia Petrillo:
I live with a slut.

Tony Delveccio:
Be sure to thank her for me.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Ma, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Sophia Petrillo:
I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Rose Nylund:
[after Sophia mistakes Miles for her date] Sophia, it's Miles.

Miles Webber:
Hey, you look beautiful!

Sophia Petrillo:
Boy, it has been a long time. Hasn't it, big fella?

Blanche Devereaux:
[In a fake friendly voice] Rose, could I see you for a moment?

Rose Nylund:
[Rose fakes wondering if Blanche meant her, in order to stall for time. Approaches Blanche and Dorothy] You're mad aren't you?

Blanche Devereaux:
Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about "Lesbian Lovers of Miami".

Rose Nylund:
Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat "The Price Is Right"!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras.

Ron:
[to the studio audience] Any other questions? Ah! Here we go! [Runs over to Sophia]

Sophia Petrillo:
This is directed to Dorothy's lover: Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, most people don't know.

Sophia Petrillo:
Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I really don't know, but... I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

Sophia Petrillo:
[to the host of "Grab That Dough", after losing] Cram it, piano teeth

Guy Corbin:
Complete this famous saying, "Better late than..." Blanche?

Blanche:
Pregnant!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[after Sophia has given her advice] You're right, Ma.

Sophia Petrillo:
Of course I am! You think I got this old by being stupid?

Rose Nylund:
[about Dorothy] Oh she's really upset, we better keep an eye on her.

Blanche Devereaux:
You're right. We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand. [Voice becomes dreamy] You know the type, with the big biceps and the hairy chest, just glistening in the hot sun... What were we talking about?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall is impossible.

Sophia Petrillo:
Did you get something for the grandchildren?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh, I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat . . .but I did it anyway!

Rose:
You know, I've been thinking...

Blanche:
Well, that would explain the beads of sweat!

Sophia Petrillo:
It's a nightmare, we've been visited by the yutz of Christmas past.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Rose we have to talk to you about Christmas. It is too hot to go out shopping again so why don't we just draw names out of a hat and then we only have to buy one gift each?

Rose:
But Dorothy I love Christmas and I love giving presents at Christmas. Besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they going to be?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
The Oakridge Boys, Rose! Each others'!

Blanche:
[discussing Christmas cuisine] Sophia, larks aren't eating birds, they're singing birds.

Sophia Petrillo:
They don't sing long in Sicily.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Why are the Christmas cookies shaped like Liberty Bells and American flags?

Rose:
I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters so I used the 4th of July ones.

Blanche:
Rose, for half an hour you've been decorating this house humming Jingle Bells and yelling 'hey!' Now why do you do that?

Rose:
Because it's too hard to hum the 'hey' part.

Father Avery:
You know, what happened to Dorothy's ex-husband is not uncommon. Most people are only 2-3 paychecks away from being homeless.

Rose:
Really?

Father Avery:
Yes, the poor are everywhere, there's no affordable housing, there aren't any jobs, the cost of living keeps going up and the minimum wage has been held down.

Father Avery:
That should do it. All the food's gone.

Sophia Petrillo:
Except the fruitcake. I don't get it, there's more here now than when we started.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Stan, do you remember the Christmas we were so broke, you convinced the kids that Christmas was actually the 26th? You went out and got a Christmas tree from somebody's garbage and you trimmed it with gum wrappers and pull tabs. Then you turned on Jim Thorpe, All American and told them it was King of Kings.

Stan Zbornak:
And they believed it too.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Right up until Jesus got His medals revoked for playing professional baseball.

Stan Zbornak:
Yeah, kind of got to be a tradition for us.

Rose Nylund:
It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.

Blanche Devereaux:
They *are* the dumbest birds.

Rose Nylund:
You're not going to believe this, I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.

Sophia Petrillo:
One day Henny Penny was sleeping under an acorn tree and an acorn fell and hit her on the head. Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and they told us this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.

Sophia Petrillo:
Goosey Loosey was one of the most popular birds in the barnyard.

Blanche Devereaux:
THE most popular.

Sophia Petrillo:
And the 8th graders are watching a play about how to be that popular, safely.

Sophia Petrillo:
Turkey Lurkey was your nickname in high school.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
It was not.

Sophia Petrillo:
Really? That's what they called you at the PTA meetings.

[Rose is preparing to discard the pictures of Charlie in bed with Blanche]

Dorothy:
Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?

Rose:
I'd rather not.

Dorothy:
Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with a big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?

Rose:
I sure do! [to Blanche] My god, you're an animal!

Rose:
Wait a minute, how come your initials spell B-E-D?

Blanche:
Oh that's just my initials, Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.

Dorothy:
Your initials spell B.E.D.?

[Dorothy is worried about Sophia's possible hearing loss]

Dorothy:
Look Ma, I am concerned. You're my mother. Can't you just check it out, please?

Sophia Petrillo:
Hee hee hee hee!

Dorothy:
What are you laughing at?

Sophia Petrillo:
I'm sorry. I thought you said "I'm Mothra, giant radioactive insect. Ree, ree, ree!"

Dorothy:
Ma, you didn't hear that. Now face it, you can't hear high frequencies. Why can't you be honest about what's happening to you? Why do you insist on becoming feeble?

Sophia Petrillo:
Feeble? Now you listen, Dorothy. I may not have your gift for word jumbles, or your ability to float, or your way of making small children weep...

Dorothy:
...But?

Sophia Petrillo:
Or your butt, thank you.

Sophia Petrillo:
Come on, Dorothy, every time you get a new pamphlet, I get that disease. And not just diseases, once I thought I was a Jew for Jesus.

Blanche:
This will prove I did not sleep with Charlie.

Dorothy:
Or her name isn't B.E.D.

Rose:
You expect me to believe that? Come on, Blanche, you've landed on your back more times than...

Dorothy:
The American Gladiators.

Blanche:
Rose, can't you put yourself in my position?

Rose:
Apparently I'm not limber enough!

Sophia:
We saw "Dying Young." Terrific. I laughed until I peed. And then I laughed at that.

Blanche Devereaux:
...there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Blanche, you don't mean...

Blanche Devereaux:
Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Obviously you fell off the wagon.

Sophia Petrillo:
And onto a naval base.

Sophia Petrillo:
Welcome to show business.

Sophia Petrillo:
[Referring to Dorothy slurping a milkshake from the blender] Is it any wonder I never breast-fed her!

Blanche Devereaux:
[planning to 'crash' a High School reunion that isn't theirs] You have to be prepared. Now, I'm going to go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, Senior Class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?

Rose Nylund:
Oh, uh, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.

Blanche Devereaux:
Rose...

Rose Nylund:
You can take a yearbook home to your parents.

Blanche Devereaux:
Rose...

Rose Nylund:
There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, this isn't a riddle.

Rose Nylund:
Well, make it one. I had three good answers!

[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia are looking in on a sedated Rose following her triple bypass]

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh, my God. Dorothy, look at her!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
It's the surgery. Nobody looks good after surgery.

Sophia Petrillo:
Tell that to Cher.

Sophia Petrillo:
[the girls are sitting in the waiting room with complete silence] My heiney's asleep.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Fine. We'll keep our voices down.

Sophia Petrillo:
[Sophia has joined a convent] Hello Reverend Mother, my you look Holier than thou today.

Mother Superior:
Save it Sister Suckup.

Rose Nylund:
I'm the kiss of death. It's the second time a man has died in my bed.

Blanche Devereaux:
The second time?

Rose Nylund:
Dorothy knows.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Charlie.

Blanche Devereaux:
No! What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?

Rose Nylund:
Nothing!

Blanche Devereaux:
Well maybe that's the problem, they have to do all the work.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[Sophia tells them that Arnie is dead] Ma, he is not, Rose, you go look.

Rose Nylund:
Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping, I don't want to wake him.

Sophia Petrillo:
You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Rose Nylund:
[Dorothy tries to convince Rose to notify Al's family] I can't tell her where he died!

Sophia Petrillo:
Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers and you found him on the lawn.

Rose Nylund:
That's not bad.

Blanche Devereaux:
[has Dorothy try a new recipe] It's called creamy zesty Italian, only has one calorie, what do you think?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
If you ran it under the faucet it would have more flavor.

Blanche Devereaux:
Shoot.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Honey, beware anybody who says 'no calories', 'absolutely no charge', and 'let's just go lie down in bed and watch TV'.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, are you sure you'll be alright here alone?

Sophia Petrillo:
She'll be fine, if anybody breaks in she'll just have to sleep with them.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[Blanche and Dorothy are playing cards, Sophia keeps shaking her head for Blanche's plays] Stop telling her what to play.

Sophia Petrillo:
I haven't said anything, have I Blanche?

Blanche Devereaux:
Not a word.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
You keep shaking your head!

Sophia Petrillo:
I've been holding it up for 80 years, you'd shake too!

Blanche:
[coming in to Dorothy's room in the middle of the night] I heard you laughing, what's so funny?

Sophia:
For starters, Jean is a Lesbian.

Blanche:
What's funny about that?

Sophia:
You aren't surprised?

Blanche:
Of course not. I mean, I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?

Dorothy:
[gradually realising Blanche's confusion] Not Lebanese, Blanche, Lesbian.

Blanche:
[they discuss it further, then Blanche concludes] Well, I'll never understand what Jean doesn't see in the opposite sex, but hey, if that's what makes her happy, that's fine by me.

Dorothy:
There's one other thing.

Sophia:
Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.

Blanche:
Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe it! I do not believe it!

Dorothy:
I was pretty surprised myself.

Blanche:
Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over me, that's ridiculous!... Does Rose know?

Dorothy:
No.

Blanche:
Oh, good. I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.

Sophia:
Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a Lesbian, it'll break her heart.

Sophia:
Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a Lesbian than a cat. Unless a Lesbian sheds - that I don't know.

Blanche:
Jean's a very attractive woman. She could have any man she wants.

Dorothy:
She doesn't want them.

Blanche:
Well, why not? A man has so much more to offer, y'know what I mean, Dorothy?

Dorothy:
Yeah, I found that out when Mark Perper was running for class president in the Third Grade.

Blanche:
Why, what does that have to do with anything?

Dorothy:
Well, his campaign slogan was, 'Vote for me, and I'll show you my wee-wee.' He won by a landslide!

Blanche Devereaux:
Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.

Frieda Claxton:
Who are you?

Blanche Devereaux:
I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.

Frieda Claxton:
Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

Blanche Devereaux:
I beg your pardon?

Frieda Claxton:
With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.

Blanche Devereaux:
You miserable old...

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.

Frieda Claxton:
Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Why, you miserable old...

Rose Nylund:
[interrupting] Dorothy!

Freida Claxton:
[to Blanche] Oh yes, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

Blanche:
I beg your pardon?

Freida Claxton:
With my binoculars I can see right into your room. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal, I'm looking into it.

Blanche:
Why you...

Dorothy:
[Dorothy grabs her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton] Now Blanche. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.

Freida Claxton:
Oh yeah. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.

Dorothy:
Why you...

[Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]

Sophia:
When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects

Dorothy:
Pay your respects? I thought you hated her

Sophia:
I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.

Rose:
I knew that.

Sophia:
See?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
We're interested in arranging a funeral.

Mr. Pfeiffer:
Isn't that lovely, you're planning ahead for Mother.

Sophia:
[mocking Pfeiffer's name which has a non-silent P] Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your pface?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Look, Mr. P-feiffer, about the pfuner... about the funeral arrangements...

Dorothy:
So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. All right, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. OK, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche.

Dorothy:
Rose, get up, you have a phone call.

Rose Nylund:
[half asleep] Is it time to milk the cows, Daddy?

Dorothy:
No kitten, you have a phone call.

Rose Nylund:
[takes out her earplugs] What?

Dorothy:
YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL, it's your friend MILTON!

Rose Nylund:
Oh my goodness, why's he calling so late?

Dorothy:
Well you told him to call day or night!

Rose Nylund:
That was just an expression, like laugh and the world laughs with you, well the whole world doesn't really laugh.

Dorothy:
[about men] They're so much better at answering the phone in the middle of the night.

Blanche Devereaux:
That's not all they're good at.

Sophia Petrillo:
[from the far corner of the living room] And when they're really good, you don't even hear the phone.

Dorothy:
[turns on the lights] Ma, what're you doing sitting here in the dark?

Sophia Petrillo:
Why not? I've already seen the living room in the light.

Blanche Devereaux:
You may not have noticed this but I've put on 3 pounds.

Sophia Petrillo:
On each side.

Rose Nylund:
[looking through the refrigerator] Oh, you'll never guess what I found!

Dorothy:
Judge Crater.

Rose Nylund:
Cheesecake!

Rose Nylund:
[looking in the fridge] Ohhhhh you'll never guess what I found!

Dorothy:
Jimmy Hoffa!

Rose Nylund:
Pepperoni.

Blanche Devereaux:
Uh oh.

Dorothy:
Don't tell Ma.

[Rose didn't mention the "living" part to the guests of Sophia's living wake]

Blanche Devereaux:
You idiot, everybody thinks she's dead now! Well, we're gonna have to tell them the truth before she comes out.

Sophia Petrillo:
[walking in] Hey, everyone!

[the guests gasp]

Sophia Petrillo:
Thanks for coming to my wake! What do you think of the dress?

[Sophia slowly spins; guests shriek and gasp; a woman faints]

Sophia Petrillo:
Well, excuse me for buying off the rack!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
In the past few days I have been turned down for every available part time job in Dade county that didn't involve selling cocaine.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[Rose rescues a stray dog and intends to keep him in her room; suddenly, Dorothy hears him barking] What was that?

Blanche Devereaux:
Rose brought a dog home from the supermarket.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What, couldn't she just get stew meat like she usually does?

Andrew Allen:
[when Sophia comes to the museum to bring Dorothy her lunch, the Director greets her, and lays it on pretty thick] Hellooooo. And who do we have here?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
This is my mother, Mrs Sophia Petrillo. Ma, this is my boss, Mr Allen.

Andrew Allen:
[speaking slowly and loudly, as if patronizing her advanced age] Pleased to meet you, Mrs Petrillo. What brings you to our humble home?

Sophia Petrillo:
[turns to Blanche, covering her mouth so Mr Allen won't hear] Is he gay?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Uhhh, come on, honey, I'll walk you to the car.

Andrew Allen:
Goodbye, Mrs Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition: a magnificent pair of Gauguins.

Sophia Petrillo:
[offended and outraged] What are you, a pervert? I was married for 45 years, I never even saw my husband's Gauguins.

[Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!

Blanche Devereaux:
Yes!

Rose Nylund:
Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?

Rose Nylund:
I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.

Blanche Devereaux:
So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?

Rose Nylund:
Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in "Gone with the Wind." I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Blanche, are you listening to this?

Blanche Devereaux:
Bits and pieces.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Ma, thank God you're here!

Sophia Petrillo:
Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!

Blanche Devereaux:
Sophia, we're innocent!

Sophia Petrillo:
I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!

Rose Nylund:
Sophia, did you come to bail us out?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

[the girls have been picked up for prostitution and are in a holding cell. One of the "working girls" takes offense at something Blanche says, and Dorothy steps in to save the situation]

Dorothy:
Hey you punk... you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me but I warn you I did time in Attica.

Hooker #3:
Attica's a *men's* prison!

Dorothy:
I know. I was there a year before they found out.

Hooker #3:
[backing down] Sorry, chief. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.

Blanche:
Dorothy, that was magnificent, how did you do that?

Dorothy:
I taught in the public school system. It's really not that different.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Well?

Exterminator:
Your infestation profile is threefold. You have silverfish and waterbugs in the drainage areas, and under the baseboard structure you have blateria andropoulous.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Did you hear that, Rose? The President of Greece lives under our baseboards.

Exterminator:
Blateria andropoulous is a cockroach.

Rose Nylund:
Maybe he'll be voted out in the next election.

Exterminator:
[the girls have been screaming and jumping up and down at the news that they'll meet Burt Reynolds] I always get this reaction when I wear the tight jumpsuit.

Rose Nylund:
There's a story in the paper about the party tonight.

Blanche Devereaux:
Really?

Rose Nylund:
You won't believe who's gonna be there. Dom DeLuise.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux:
Wow!

Rose Nylund:
Loni Anderson.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux:
Wow!

Rose Nylund:
Charles Nelson Reilly. [Absolutely no reaction from Blanche and Dorothy. She tries again] Charles Nelson Reilly.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[Unimpressed] Wow. Who else?

Rose Nylund:
John Forsythe.

Blanche Devereaux:
[Breathless with anticipation, she speaks faster and faster, twisting the newspaper in her hands] Mr. John Forsythe. Oh my God! He's just the sexiest man in television. And Burt Reynolds is the sexiest man in the movies. Oh, I cannot believe this. All that manliness in one room. In one crowded room. One hot, crowded room. Everybody's steamy bodies pressed up against each other...

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Blanche. Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You're about to set off the smoke detector.

Rose Nylund:
[Answers the phone] Hello. What? I'm one of the winners of the Publisher's Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? I should leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[Realization dawns and she races to the door connecting their two hotel rooms] Ma, get off the phone!

Sophia Petrillo:
[off screen] Mind your own business!

Rose Nylund:
[Turns to the girls and waves them over] Guess what? [She nods sagely] I think this is Sophia.

Blanche Devereaux:
Girls. Do you see that man over there staring at me? He's undressing me with his eyes.

Rose Nylund:
Do you want to move to another table?

Blanche Devereaux:
Not yet. He's only half done.

Rose Nylund:
[Horrified, her voice gets faster, louder and filled with terror as she speaks] I've never *been* in jail. I won't make it. They *always* prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart! From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid, and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who get bad grades in school! And then one day they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone, and when I make a run for it, he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh, *please* don't let them take me down town. I wanna live! I wanna live!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
You're not very good in a crisis, are you, Rose?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Officer.

The Policeman:
[Hands on hips, oozing with jaded skepticism known only by veteran detectives] Now what can I do for the senior statesman of the group?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[Trying to laugh it off] I'll let that pass because you have the upper hand.

Rose Nylund:
I've kept these bitter butter memories too long.

Burt Reynolds:
Hello. [the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door] Sophia around?

Sophia Petrillo:
Oh, hi, Burt!

Burt Reynolds:
How about a little lunch?

Sophia Petrillo:
Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?

Burt Reynolds:
Great.

Blanche Devereaux:
My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds:
I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on. [to Sophia] These the roommates you told me about?

Sophia Petrillo:
Yeah.

Burt Reynolds:
Which one's the slut?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund:
I am!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[the girls have just been told the house has termites] What do you have to do to get rid of them?

Exterminator:
The next step is to ascertain the condition of your exterior. For this I need to perform a cursory inspection of your subterraneal substructure.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
You mean crawl under the house.

Exterminator:
Anybody can make it sound stupid.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
[about Rocco, Sophia's latest boyfriend]... Ever since ma started seeing him she's on the phone all the time she stays up all night, last night she came with Niquel on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.

Rose Nylund:
Dorothy, can I ask you something?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I don't know what it means - I just don't like the possibilities.

Rose Nylund:
No - I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I haven't noticed.

Rose Nylund:
[Blanche walks in] Hi, Blanche!

Blanche Devereaux:
...Must you always be so cheerful you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off!

Rose Nylund:
[to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

Rose Nylund:
Hi girls... gee what's my diary doing here? Next to a pair of pliers?

Blanche Devereaux:
Rose, whatever it is you're thinking - it isn't true.

Rose Nylund:
Good - then George Bush isn't married to his mother?

Rose Nylund:
I'm concerned about nuclear war.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[to Blanche] And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Blanche Devereaux:
[reading Rose's letter] I'm writing to you because I'm concerned about nuclear war. I've heard that there are enough bombs to blow up the world 100 times over. It scares me and it scares the girls in my cadet troop too. They talk about what they want to be *if* they grow up, not *when*.

Sophia Petrillo:
[after her magic trick goes awry] This watch is broken.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Ma! Stan gave me that watch for our wedding anniversary!

Sophia Petrillo:
Well the marriage never worked, why should the watch?

Rose Nylund:
Does anybody know how many z's there are in Czar?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[to Blanche, after finding out Gorbachev wants to meet with Rose] Kemosabe, I think we're in heap big trouble.

Rose Nylund:
[singing] Over there, over there, send the word send the word over there, that the Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming! The drums rum-tum...

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
THAT was the lullaby your mother used to sing?

Rose Nylund:
Yes, it was the only song she knew.

Rose Nylund:
[about "Over There"] My mother said nobody could be afraid when they hear that song, except for the Kaiser.

Rose Nylund:
When I get nervous I put my head between my knees.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
No, that's for nausea.

Rose Nylund:
When I'm scared I'm nauseous. Remember the time that guy tried to steal my purse?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Worked better than mace.

Rose Nylund:
You know what I do when I get nervous?

Sophia Petrillo:
Yeah, you toss your cookies.

Rose Nylund:
Besides that, I sing, a lullaby my mother taught me.

Blanche Devereaux:
Life has no meaning anymore.

Sophia Petrillo:
So, who's for popcorn?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Ma I said I was sorry.

Sophia Petrillo:
The least you can do when we're gonna see a movie is say it's a foreign film.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What is the big deal?

Sophia Petrillo:
I had to stand in front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me!

Blanche Devereaux:
[Dreyfuss the dog comes into the living room carrying a pair of men's trousers] I wonder where those pants came from?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
According to the label, The Gap.

[Sophia and Angela have just cooked a meal for the entire household]

Blanche Devereaux:
Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.

Angela:
Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.

Blanche Devereaux:
I ate every bite!

Angela:
There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.

Angela:
What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
You two made such a fantastic meal. I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.

Rose Nylund:
I made dessert!

Blanche Devereaux:
Damn!

Rose Nylund:
What you say Blanche?

Blanche Devereaux:
Yum. I said yum

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Rose, is this another one of those Scandanavian viking concoctions?

Rose Nylund:
Yes! It's called Geneukenfleuken cake. An ancient recipe but I amercanised it.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
So one might say you brought "Geneukenfleuken" into the 80s?

Rose Nylund:
Yes. But I'm not one to blow my own vetugenfluken.

Sophia Petrillo:
I can't even reach mine.

[Spohia is unhappy that Dorothy's relationship with Eddie is purely a physical one]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Look, Ma, I am a grown woman and I have needs.

Sophia Petrillo:
Needs! You need food. You need air. You need a better wrinkle cream. You don't need sport nookie!

[Blanche and Rose are concluding an afternoon of clothes shopping]

Blanche Devereaux:
I just haven't found a thing today. I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.

Rose Nylund:
Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts, too?

Rose Nylund:
On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Let me guess Rose, Ivan Boesky-Vanderfloovenhoover-meistergarbengerbenfleckman.

Rose Nylund:
That's the louse.

Uncle Angelo:
[in an Italian accent] I met a beautiful, young Sicilian aerobics instructor. Gorgeous eyes-a, angelic-a mouth-eh, and a behind that must-a been made on a Saturday, because even da good Lord him-a-self wanna take a day off-a to admire it. I lost-a my heart. And I opened my wallet, eh? Oh, da expensive-a gifts, the fancy dinners, en-a weeekends in Mikonos, eh. I even wore onnea those, eh, tiny speedo swimsuits, shows all-a you gingerbread an' everyting, ya'know. And she leaves-a me. What does a six-foot-seven-inch, American-a basketball player got that I don't?

Blanche Devereaux:
Well, Angelo, speaking in terms of the gingerbread alone...

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[refusing to participate in a charity date auction] I am not going. It is degrading.

Blanche Devereaux:
Dorothy, come on now, don't be a stick-in-the-mud. It's for the Children's Hospital. I mean, if you can't degrade yourself for a bunch of sick kids, who can you degrade yourself for?

Dorothy:
Oh come on now Rose, don't let this bother you. You'll date again.

Blanche:
Of course she will. Honey have you given any thought to advertising?

Rose:
Oh Blanche! I could never dress the way you do. Besides, I have to wear undies. Not all my wool skirts are lined.

Isaac Q. Newton:
[after Dorothy and Blanche come clean] I'm glad you cleared that up. I was beginning to remember writing those letters.

Dorothy Zbornak:
[Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.

Sophia Petrillo:
Listen to this, "If I were truly free, o fire of my loins. I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked in a frenzy of love.

Dorothy Zbornak:
Ma, who wrote that?

Sophia Petrillo:
Merrill Kellog.

Dorothy Zbornak:
Merrill... Who's he?

Sophia Petrillo:
Ask Blanche. It's her letter.

Dorothy Zbornak:
[snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison Blanche has been writing to.

Rose Nylund:
How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?

Sophia Petrillo:
[taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

Blanche Deveraux:
[entering the kitchen] Morning girls.

Sophia Petrillo:
Morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter

[hands it to Blanche and leaves]

Rose Nylund:
Blanche, I didn't!

Blanche Deveraux:
Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another letter form Merrill. I'd read it to you anyway. It's not personal.

Dorothy Zbornak:
Not personal! Blanche, the man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.

Blanche Deveraux:
Well, sure. And I wrote him that I wanted to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia tees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!

Rose Nylund:
Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.

Blanche Deveraux:
[obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

[the girls' young friend Mary has stopped by to visit]

Dorothy Zbornak:
Tell me, sweetheart. You having fun in high school?

Mary:
Oh, it's okay.

Blanche Deveraux:
Oh, I loved high school! It seems like it was only yesterday. Riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances...

Dorothy Zbornak:
Yeah. And don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.

Dorothy Zbornak:
[Sophia enters] Ma, look who's here.

Sophia Petrillo:
Oh. So, Mary. When's the baby due?

Dorothy Zbornak:
Ma! You're talking to a sixteen year old girl!

Sophia Petrillo:
A knocked up sixteen year old girl!

Sophia Petrillo:
Break out the finger sandwiches. Mr. Astaire looks like he's hungry!

Merrill 'Moose' Kellog:
I'm Merrill. Are you Blanche?

Dorothy Zbornak:
No.

Merrill 'Moose' Kellog:
How 'bout you, cutie?

Sophia Petrillo:
Boy, this guy's done hard time!

Sophia Petrillo:
Doggy, I don't know if you noticed but I'm all skin and bones. [Samson licks his mouth] Oh, I shouldn't say "bones".

Blanche:
Ooh... I've got goosebumps. Mel'll be here any minute.

Dorothy:
Honey, why are you so jumpy? You've been out with Mel a thousand times.

Blanche:
I know but now there's more at stake - everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I... I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.

Sophia:
You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?

Blanche:
Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

Sophia:
I'm just saying you're lucky Jack & Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip columb.

Dorothy:
Ma!

Sophia:
Hold it, Pussycat. I'm on a roll.

Blanche:
I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were maent to be together.

Sophia:
I wish I could say the same for your thighs.

Sophia:
God, I'm hot tonight!

Blanche:
I'm not gonna stand for this.

Sophia:
Take it, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
But I'll bet you'll lie down for it.

Sophia:
Well, that was just plain rude.

Blanche:
Some people just don't know when to quit.

Blanche:
Tonight, Mel and I are starting a brand new relationship! Do you realize how rare it is to find out that the person you've been sleeping with is the person you love?

Dorothy:
No, but you can't go by me; I have morals.

Sophia Petrillo:
Hey, look! There's a black guy doing the news, and it isn't even the weekend!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[on live tv] So you see, it's very important that we eat lots of fruits and grains and try to avoid sweets. Right, Kolak?

Kolak:
Why don't you try to avoid sweets? It's not a pretty picture from down here.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Why Kolak. I didn't know you could speak English.

Kolak:
Hey what you don't know could fill a space the size of Guam!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Since you brought up Guam, why don't we talk a bit about geography for a little bit?

Kolak:
You wanna see some geography lady, I'll show you some geography!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Whoa, Kolak!

Kolak:
Wanna know what we call this on the planet Twylar, huh?

Kolak:
[Dorothy clamps his mouth closed with her hands] Really quick thinking Mrs. Schoolteacher, like that's really going to shut me up.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[panicking] What do I do now?

Kolak:
Why don't you tell all the boys and girls how you gave Mr. Terrific the axe?

Blanche Devereaux:
I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks. Every time I climb into bed I feel guilty.

Sophia Petrillo:
Take down the video equipment.

Blanche Devereaux:
I'm talking about the brass bed. I shouldn't have kept it. Rose was right, it's just like stealing.

Sophia Petrillo:
Then call the store and return it.

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh I couldn't do that, I've had it over three weeks. They won't take it back.

Sophia Petrillo:
How much wear can you give a bed in just three weeks?

Sophia Petrillo:
[Blanche shoots her a look, reminding Sophia of her favourite hobby] I see your point.

Sophia Petrillo:
[Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, of African American decent] What is this a revival of Raisins in the Sun?

Michael Zbornak:
Grandma, this is my fianc?, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.

Sophia Petrillo:
Wait-wait-wait-wait... This is your fianc??

Michael Zbornak:
Yep, that's right.

Sophia Petrillo:
You couldn't find someone your own age?

Greta:
What is that supposed to mean?

Sophia Petrillo:
No offense, but it looks as though you're daughter's been around the block more times then a good humour man!

Greta:
[Turns to her sister] Hold my purse - those are fighting words!

Rose Nylund:
Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John?'

Greta:
Is she for real?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Yep - frightening isn't it?

Rose Nylund:
[as she and Dorothy look at her reflection after a makeover] Oh my god I look awful! Oh Dorothy - its you!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry - I forgot it was a full-moon.

Rose Nylund:
Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiance?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
No, Rose. I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected Mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postman wear leather bell bottoms and a fur vest.

Rose Nylund:
[Dorothy is unhappy with her son marrying an older, African-American woman] The same thing happened to the Bigbotters back in St. Olaf. You see Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Bigbotter didn't approve - he did his best to keep them apart. But, one day he came home, early, and found Gretchen and Buddy in... how will I say it... most indelicate situation.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
What did he do?

Rose Nylund:
Well he yelled at them to stop - but they wouldn't so he turned the hose on them!

Blanche Devereaux:
He turned the hose on them?

Rose Nylund:
Well they were in the front yard! [Blanche gasps]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Wait - wait - wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen - weren't people were they?

Rose Nylund:
Of course not - they were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmation and Buddy was a Schnauzer - and Mr. Bigbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmations!

Blanche Devereaux:
...You know, Rose, sometimes I wished somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Rose Nylund:
Can I ask a dumb question?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Better than anybody I know.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age. What could a woman in her forties possibly have in common with a boy in his twenties?

Blanche Devereaux:
Sex! At twenty, a man is at his peak and a woman in her forties is also at her peak so when the two come together HOT DAMN!

Greta:
Lorraine, you want a young man, fine. Just make it a young black man. Why I could name ten fine, rich, young black men right off the top of my head.

Blanche Devereaux:
Wait a minute while I get a pencil.

Dorothy:
Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?

Sophia:
A nice, thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob, and pecan pie for dessert. Now ask me what I can chew!

Dorothy:
I'll start soaking the corn flakes now.

Sophia:
I said it before, I'll say it again. Sluts just heal quicker!

Dorothy:
Put the marriage back together? You told me we were coming here for closure!

Dr. Halperin:
Stan, I'm confused. Is this true?

Stan Zbornak:
Doc, we're both men. Let's not do this to each other.

Dr. Halperin:
Stanley.

Stan Zbornak:
Okay, okay. I lied, but so what? You never have?

Dorothy:
Only once, Stanley. The night I told you it was good for me, too.

Dr. Halperin:
[laughs] And you said she didn't have a sense of humor.

Dr. Halperin:
Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself, why would you want to be with a woman who so clearly doesn't want to be around you?

Dorothy:
Well, I think I can answer that, Doctor. There's no other kind!

Rose Nylund:
[her colleague, Jerry Kennedy, the local TV station's news anchor is coming to the house] Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me. See, his birthday is in two weeks and the office is giving him a surprise roast. So I have to come up with one or two things I can kid him about. I can get away with it, because he considers me a good friend.

Dorothy:
Well, then, why not tease him about his taste in friends.

Blanche Devereaux:
[entering the room, feigning surprise] Oh, my goodness, we have company. I'm just so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.

Sophia:
Don't worry, Blanche, the dress covers most of it.

Rose Nylund:
Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And Blanche, this is...

Blanche Devereaux:
Why, you don't have to tell *me*. "From the Gulf Coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okefenokee, with the 11 O'Clock News, this is Jerry Kennedy."

Jerry Kennedy:
Well, I'm flattered.

Sophia:
From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl... [Dorothy quickly covers Sophia's mouth]

Millicent Kennedy:
How do you do. I'm Millicent Kennedy, Gerald's mother... I'm looking for the cheap Jezebel that's ruining my Gerald's life.

Dorothy:
Blanche, company!

Dorothy:
[Blanche comes into the house moaning after a date] Why do I feel the need to bathe?

Rose Nylund:
So, how was it, Blanche?

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.

Dorothy:
[interpreting] They went to a sleazy motel.

Blanche Devereaux:
Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreadin' its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.

Dorothy:
She got him to pay for half the room.

Blanche Devereaux:
Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud.

Dorothy:
That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.

Jerry Kennedy:
[fed up with his mother's meddling] This is my life, I'm a grown man, and I am going to love the woman I want to love whether she meets with your approval or not.

Blanche Devereaux:
Oh-ho, put this man's picture on a can of stew!

Jerry Kennedy:
Blanche, I want to thank you for showing me the light. How can I ever repay you?

Blanche Devereaux:
Hawaii... Big island...

[during a mother's day flash back with Sophia and young Dorothy]

Young Dorothy Zbornak:
Okay Grandma. Here we are.

Grandma Petrillo:
I'm in a wheelchair. I'm not blind. I can see where we are, and it could stand a good vacuum.

[later in the flash back]

Grandma Petrillo:
Where's Salvador? He's hiding from me, isn't he? He always hides from me. The little monkey hates me!

Young Dorothy Zbornak:
Oh, don't be silly, Pop is crazy about you.

Salvadore Petrillo:
[Offstage] Don't lie to your grandmother! It's a sin!

Young Dorothy Zbornak:
I mean, he's not CRAZY about you, but he's very, very fond of you.

Grandma Petrillo:
He HATES me! the man repairs complicated machinery for a living. Three times this month he couldn't set the hand brake on my wheelchair.

Young Dorothy Zbornak:
Grandma, that was JUST a coincidence.

Grandma Petrillo:
Please! All three times was at the top of the stairs to the Flatbush Subway Station!

George Devereaux:
Blanche, that's Sonny Bono! He's a major television star.

Blanche Devereaux:
Boy, you have been gone a long time!

Blanche:
Sonny Bono, get off my lanai!

Rose Nylund:
Someone was actually able to deceived me once.

Sophia Petrillo:
Do tell, Rose.

Rose Nylund:
St. Olaf's most famous OBMAG.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
What's that?

Rose Nylund:
Obstetrician-Magician. The Amazing Shapiro. He delivered Bridget. But it was so confusing. "It's a girl! Now it's a dove... Now it's a glass of milk." I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was right after the King of Hearts. "Is this your baby?"

Blanche Devereaux:
I'm back to my old self, Blanche Devereaux is back.

Sophia Petrillo:
Oh boy, strike up the gland. [gets up and leaves]

Blanche Devereaux:
Well how mean, you'd think she'd feel sorry for me.

Rose Nylund:
To tell you the truth, I don't feel sorry for you either. My Charlie is dead, nobody's giving me a second chance.

Sophia Petrillo:
But after what he did to me...

Rose Nylund:
Blanche, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. You wanted George back, and he's here now. Tell him you love him, tell him you hate him, I don't care, but see him before he leaves, do it for yourself, do it for all of us who wish we had a second chance.

Sophia Petrillo:
[after meeting George] He's alive alright, I poked him with a stick!

George Devereaux:
Blanche honey, I staged my death.

Sophia Petrillo:
[eavesdropping from outside] He stained his desk?

Sophia:
[Sophia is in bed between Stan and Dorothy] Think of me as the Berlin Wall, Stan. Try to climb over me and you'll find out what barbed wire between your legs feels like!

[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]

Rose:
I'm Sister Rose!

Blanche:
And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...

[looks at panties in her hands]

Blanche:
...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.

Stan:
[Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!

Blanche:
Aw, *Jesus*!

[catches herself]

Blanche:
...protect us, in this time of great need.

Dorothy:
Amen!

Uncle Angelo:
[Explaining why he's not a priest] Picture it, Sicily, 1914. I promise our dear sainted mother on her death bed I'm gonna join the priesthood. On my way to the seminary in Palermo I stop off at a local trattoria for a glass of Chianti. The waitress bring drink to the table, is a vision, luscious lips, full bosom, and a behind so round, so firm, you've got to fall down on your knees and cry out at its magnificent regal beauty. [pause] I'm a butt man. [laughter] Anyway, my devotion to G-d doesn't waiver, but suddenly the idea of living with a bunch of guys in itchy robes doesn't seem quite as appealing as that tokhes. So, I tear up my priest application, ask Filomena to marry me, and we live the next 72 years in wedded bliss.

Lucy:
Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.

Rose Nylund:
Oh, don't be silly.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak:
Oh, we enjoyed having you.

Sophia Petrillo:
So did half of Miami.

Lucy:
Aunt Blanche, I'm a grown woman. I can live my life any way I want to.

Blanche:
I know that but I don't think this is the way you really wanna live it.

Lucy:
Is it my fault that men find me attractive?

Blanche:
No, honey, what they find you is available and that's no compliment.

Lucy:
I find this strange coming from you, Aunt Blanche, because from the stories I heard you're not exactly a saint.

Blanche:
No, you're right. I do enjoy the company of gentlemen; I always have but I can promise you this, Lucy, when I'm with a man its because I like him not, that I want him to like me.

Lucy:
Well, what's wrong with wanting to be liked? Aunt Blanche, you remember what I looked like as a kid?

Blanche:
Oh, yes I do. You were a beautiful child.

Lucy:
I was not. I was short and fat with braces and acne but when I turned sixteen it's like everything changed overnight. I shot up and out; the braces came off and finally the boys started to notice me and it was nice to be noticed; to be liked.

Blanche:
[sadly] Oh, baby... Honey, you spent so much time trying to get people to like you that you never got around to liking yourself and if you don't like yourself, you cant respect yourself. And if you cant respect yourself, neither can anyone else.

Sophia Petrillo:
It's not whether you agree or disagree with somebody. It's whether you can be there for that person when they need you!

Rose:
[Rose comes in sobbing] The mail's here.

Blanche:
Honey, what's wrong?

Rose:
I just got a letter.

Blanche:
It's bad news!

Dorothy:
Oh, that's eerie - I had the same feeling.

Rose:
But there's a good part to being scared, you get to know who your friends are. They're the ones who help you not be scared.

Blanche Devereaux:
[on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.

Rose Nylund:
Thank you, Dorothy.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!

Blanche Devereaux:
Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
[indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Blanche Devereaux:
[to herself enviously] I'm the biggest slut!

Rose Nylund:
[after shutting the door] I have no idea who that man is!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak:
Rose, why didn't you tell him you don't remember him?

Rose Nylund:
And hurt an old friend? Boy Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you!

Blanche Devereaux:
But honey she's just a child, you cant expect a child to give back a toy, you do understand don't you you?

Rose Nylund:
Just cut the crap and get the damn teddy bear!