Arthur Herk:
Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes.

Eddie:
Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.

Eliot Arnold:
Do you think someone's trying to kill your husband?

Anna Herk:
God, I hope so!

Henry Desalvo:
Moron #2 just got Moron #1 all wet.

Geo Salesman:
Sweet little vehicle. Just get divorced? Ah, it doesn't matter. Forty-two miles to the gallon, AM/FM radio. I'll even throw in the undercoating. Anything else you'd like to know?

Matt Arnold:
Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?

Eliot Arnold:
Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was NOT confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.

Matt Arnold:
Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... or jumped ON me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny.

Leonard:
If I don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how.

Alan Seitz:
Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.

Pat Greer:
So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?

Henry Desalvo:
We have a die-hard situation developing in the kitchen.

Leonard:
What's happening?

Henry Desalvo:
Well, either he's going to whack 'em with a rolling pin or bake him a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.

Henry Desalvo:
I know, I know. Time was, you actually had to hit somebody.

Monica Romero:
You're making a big mistake.

Snake:
Story of my life.

Pat Greer:
Oh, sure, your name is John, and you're just a hard-working, law-abiding citizen running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.

Pat Greer:
Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?

Alan Seitz:
Warms the shit out of my cockles.

Arthur Herk:
This is my goddamn house!

Monica Romero:
Yes, and these are my handcuffs, and if you don't cooperate, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house!

Henry Desalvo:
Well, Miami sucks. But the cops are kind of nice.

Snake:
Let's go.

Eddie:
I ain't never driven one of these before.

Snake:
It ain't a spaceship, asshole. Drive.

Snake:
If you don't do like I say, you know what's gonna happen to you, right?

Puggy:
You're gonna shoot me?

Snake:
You got that right.

Snake:
A garbage disposal.

Snake:
Portable.

Snake:
It's got a timer.

Snake:
Grounds up your garbage, while you're out.

Officer Walter Kramitz:
Are you going to help me, or are you just gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?

Sour Airport Security Chief:
Strip search.

Officer Monica Romero:
Where did they get that stuff?

Pat Greer:
Russia.

Officer Monica Romero:
Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?

Pat Greer:
You'd faint if you knew. A few months ago, somebody got a warhead out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called - ...

Alan Seitz:
Sergijev Posad. Not far from Moscow. Beautiful churches there.

Pat Greer:
Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it. Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal.

Officer Monica Romero:
The bar?

Pat Greer:
That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.

Alan Seitz:
They have beautiful churches there. Travel Channel.

Alan Seitz:
What makes you think this is the first time?

Pat Greer:
Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.

Officer Monica Romero:
You can do that?

Eliot Arnold:
I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.

Officer Walter Kramitz:
If I don't see them, I don't write them.

Eliot Arnold:
Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.

Eliot Arnold:
This is a stupid game.

Matt Arnold:
Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.

Eliot Arnold:
You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?

Matt Arnold:
Andrew?

Jenny Herk:
He ran the other way.

Eliot Arnold:
Did anybody call the police?

Officer Monica Romero:
I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.

Anna Herk:
Hey, kids.

Arthur Herk:
I want to press charges! Cuff him!

Officer Monica Romero:
My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.

Henry Desalvo:
There isn't any rule that says I can't come over here and fart on your entree.

Eliot Arnold:
Let go of the suitcase!

Snake:
The Kingpin will never let go of the Kingpin's suitcase!

Henry Desalvo:
We're gonna miss our flight.

Leonard:
You see what the problem is?

Henry Desalvo:
I don't know. There's some kind of commotion up there. There might be something about it on the radio.

Henry Desalvo:
I really feel like killing someone.

Leonard:
Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.

Henry Desalvo:
She.

Leonard:
She what?

Henry Desalvo:
The mosquito is a she.

Leonard:
How the hell can you tell that?

Henry Desalvo:
Discovery channel. Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.

Leonard:
Sounds like my ex-wife. "Bitch."

Henry Desalvo:
There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef.

Jenny Herk:
You, don't look at my ass when I walk away.

Andrew:
I can't make that promise.

Andrew:
Whoa. "You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside." You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.

Matt Arnold:
Are you looking at her ass?

Andrew:
Yeah.

Puggy:
My name is Puggy and I live in a tree. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Puggy:
Aluminum?

Henry Desalvo:
There was another shooter.

Henry Desalvo:
What do I mean? What do you mean "what do I mean". I mean there was another shooter is what I mean.